Psych (2006–2014): Season 1, Episode 11 - He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead - full transcript

Shawn! Stop.
Turn around.
Turn around.
What are you hiding?
Did you get in a fight, Shawn? Kind of.
Kind of? What do you mean, kind of?
What did l tell you about fighting? Get over here, son.
Take a look at that.
You really got punched. Here, hold that on your eye.
All right, tell me, what's the name of this kid who hit you?
Elizabeth.
You got in a fight with a girl?
Well, it wasn't really a fight.
She just punched me.
Why in the world would she punch you?
What happened?
She asked me to sit next to her at lunch and l did.
And then l was eating my Tater Tots and she just punched me.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
What was she doing while you were eating your Tater Tots?
l don't know. She was talking about something.
What? What was she talking about?
l have no idea. She just went on and on
and l was concentrating on my Tater Tots.
l'll be damned.
Shawn, l know what happened. You just had your first date.
Sit. Sit.
My first what?
Look, obviously this Elizabeth girl likes you.
That's why she invited you over to sit next to her.
Then why'd she sock me in the eye?
Because she likes you and you didn't listen to her story.
Women want you to listen to them, Shawn.
They want you to pick up every small detail,
they want you to compliment them.
It's about tuning in to people.
It's about getting inside their heads and anticipating their needs.
And this applies to all aspects of life.
Not only this girl Elizabeth, but even your barber.
But l don't want to date the barber.
Shawn, l know that one day
all of this is going to make sense to you.
You just have to believe me.
For now, l'm going to leave you with one very simple rule.
Under no circumstances ever,
ever do you mention to a woman her age or her weight.
SHAWN: Nobody breathe. l've got it.
l've got it in grams and l've got it in minutes.
Just give me a second here. Do a little converting.
l got it.
37 years old. 127 pounds.
That was amazing. How did you do that?
l have to admit though, sadly, it's just a teensy bit higher in the weight department.
Oh, you know what? That's my bad.
l believe l was getting a future reading from next week.
It happens. l apologize.
Wait. l'm also getting a dance belt.
You are my head detective. And fishnet stockings.
But that's this guy. That's this guy here.
Shawn. Shawn. l'm kidding.
You're such a good sport. Everybody loves you.
Hey, Spencer. Lassy face.
Got the perfect case for you guys.
l'm sorry. You're saying that you want our help?
Yeah. What's the catch?
There's no catch. It's just right up your alley.
We could really use your insights on this one.
The guy's waiting to give you a statement. Interrogation room B.
Make me proud.
Okay. What does that sound like to you?
An opportunity.
No.
You think Lassiter's going to just hand us over a case?
Stop. Let's think about this for a minute.
Gus, come on. What?
We're going to roll up our sleeves, we're going to get a little bit dirty
and we're going to do some old-fashioned police work.
Come on. This is like In the Heat of the Night.
Which makes me Carroll O'Connor.
No. That means you're Rod Steiger.
That way, l'm Sidney Poitier.
You know that's right.
Oh, boy.
Wow.
SHAWN.: Looks like somebody beat us to the rolling of the sleeves.
No. What are you doing?
What?
This is our case. He's naked.
We got to work the room.
l'm gonna work it from the outside.
You're gonna work it from in here. Now shut the door.
Mr. Turk, is it?
My name's Shawn Spencer.
l'm the head P for the SBPD.
You're the who for the what?
Don't concern yourself with the formalities, Mr. Turk.
l'm here to take your statement and find out
just what exactly happened to you.
Well, l don't really remember much.
Funny.
It says here you told the desk sergeant,
you woke up naked in a field with your ass hanging out.
Yeah, that's right.
But l don't remember exactly what they look like.
You know, it's all really confusing for me right now.
When you say ''they,'' just who are you referring to?
The aliens.
See?
Right, aliens.
Here it is. Page two, got it.
How would you describe these aliens, Mr. Turk?
Would you say they were small? Would you say they were green?
You know, l don't really recall right now.
l've got this headache and...
Who is that person over there?
Because he's really making me uncomfortable.
l'm making you uncomfortable right now?
Dude, is there any reason why you're not wearing any clothes now?
Hey, l think l might have been abducted, all right?
l believe l might have been experimented on.
So there's no way l'm going to touch
these clothes and compromise evidence.
Okay, okay, Mr. Turk.
Please try to gain control of your considerable person.
Why don't you cover up with a towel? That's why it's there.
One size fits all, l hope.
All right. l'll cover up with the towel, but first...
Does somebody want to check me for scars?
Oh, good Lord.
(SHAWN SCREAMS)
♪ ♪ I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception Learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♪ ♪
GUS: Are you really willing to just dismiss the idea
that there's life on other planets?
This is what l got. l know he was dragged out there.
Otherwise, no sign of assault. Nothing taken.
Aside from the embarrassment of waking up naked in a field,
we've got nothing to hang our hats on.
l guess technically we could have hung our hats on his...
Shawn. Sorry.
Look, if it's not the alien thing,
then how do you explain the memory loss,
the confusion, the fact that he saw a little green man?
Hallucinations. No.
What? Dude, you're the expert here.
Come on, man, there's got to be some drug
that would cause a combination of those three things.
Think. Drugs.
Oh, you're asking me? Sure.
Let me see.
Off the top of my head,
any SSRls, Tramadol,
Bupropion, proton pump inhibitors.
That's what l'm talking about. Thank you.
Venlafaxine, Ropinirole.
That's good work from you, buddy.
B-adrenoreceptor antagonists.
Okay, gold star for Gus.
Phencyclidine, Ketamine, Bofotenine.
You're not going to stop, are you?
Did l already say Venlafaxine?
There's no way to be sure.
Wait, wait a second.
Didn't he say something to you about smelling lavender?
Yeah. He said right before he blacked out,
he remembered the strong scent of lavender
and seeing barbed wire.
Right. Wait a second.
Gus, that's not a hallucination.
That's a location.
That's what l'm saying! And l know exactly where it is.
SHAWN: Dude, l've driven by this place at least twice.
(SlREN WAILING)
The question is, what are the cops doing here?
OFFICER ON RADIO.: ...body of another maIe Caucasian, earIy 30s,
possible 314. Officers on scene.
Johnny.
Oh.
Oh.
Look, l saw the picture of that Turk guy in the paper.
Now, it's me in a field naked, headache.
You do the math.
Do you remember seeing anything out of the ordinary?
l don't remember much at all.
So, you just woke up in a field wearing nothing but your birthday suit?
KEISER: Look, l told you yes already.
Are you going to give me a hard time?
'Cause l'm a little freaked out as it is.
And can somebody get me a bigger towel?
This thing is like the size of a washcloth.
What are you, some kind of pervert?
Cut him some slack. He's just doing his job.
You think he gets his jollies
taking pictures of your ding dong?
SHAWN: Lassy.
What are you guys doing here?
This is my case. You gave it to me, remember?
Look, this is a copycat, okay?
He saw Turk's picture in the paper. He's looking for attention.
So, he wakes up and sees Turk in the paper naked,
humiliated, the butt of jokes at the water cooler
and says, ''Hmm, how can l make this work for myself?''
What?
Plus, it's really itchy out here.
When you get your master's degree in criminology,
then you can call me.
In the meantime, l got a half-eaten Enchirito in my car.
All right, here we go. You're up.
What? Do it.
l'm not doing that. Dude.
l took the fat guy in the police station.
l'm not doing that.
This is a much better pull. l'm not doing that, Shawn.
We're partners. Gus.
What does this case have to do with a tanning salon?
It's the middle of winter in Santa Barbara.
Those dudes looked like gingerbread men without tan lines.
They fake and they bake.
Shawn, exactly how close did you look at these naked guys?
Too close.
My heightened observational skills are considered a gift by most,
but l'm here to tell you, it can be a burden.
How do you know it's this place?
Keiser didn't have any streaks on his buttocks, okay?
That screams the Insta-Tan process
and this is the only place that does that.
Right.
Plus, they both live within a mile and a half of this joint.
Uh-huh.
l can't ring this. Hello? Hello?
Look, l'm going to snoop around, okay?
You find out if Turk or Keiser were here. And if so, when?
Oh, Shawn, Shawn. This is not going to work.
Dude, l've got to do my thing.
l've got to mix it up nice. But...
You always complain you don't get to do the questiony part.
Questiony part. Gus.
Right. You're forgetting...
May l help you?
Yes. l'm here for a tanning appointment.
For yourself?
Yes, for the Insta-Tan process. l would like that.
But...
What? You...
Yes.
l don't understand.
Okay, look, screw it. l can't do it.
Have you seen either of these two guys here before?
Fred Turk or Philip Keiser?
Shawn. Shawn.
Okay, both Turk and Keiser not only have been here,
but they're regulars.
He says, it's always the single guys who try to keep up with their tans.
Single guys? Yeah.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe some woman is targeting singles at the salon.
The question is, what kind of loser thinks
getting a tan is going to help him score a woman?
Dad?
Dad, what are you doing here?
The real question is, what are you doing here?
Well, George Hamilton, we're on a case.
Or maybe you missed the pictures of the guys in the paper in the field.
Yes, of course l saw it. The nudist guy in the field,
thinks he was abducted by aliens.
idiot. What does that have to do with this place?
Well, they're both regulars here.
They both happen to be single,
so this could be a stalking case.
Wait a second, your dad is single and he comes here all the time.
HENRY: Everybody comes here.
What is that? What?
Exfoliating scrub with pumice.
Whatever, Shawn. All l know is,
when l varnish my boat and l don't want it to streak,
l sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.
That is the single most disturbing analogy
l've ever heard in my entire life.
Where are they? Who?
The Queer Eye guys. l know they're here somewhere.
Gus, what are their names?
How am l supposed to know, Shawn?
Carson and Jai and the guy with the glasses.
Oh, yeah, who cooks the fish. Right.
Shawn, you know what your real problem is?
You got yourself another case
and, as usual, you're short sighted.
You think it's all impressive
'cause you see a couple of nude guys in a field.
You put a fix on them here.
Well, it's not enough.
This is what we know.
Both these guys are trying to impress someone,
which means a woman was involved
and that same woman was with them in the field.
Shawn saw a woman's shoe strap in the field.
How or why she connects to them, l just don't know yet.
Well, you're not looking close enough.
Believe me, l've looked just about as close as l can bear.
l'm with you on the aliens thing.
They're here and they swapped out my father with José Eber.
l think your dad might be right.
l think we should get Turk and Keiser in the same room
and actually ask them some questions.
Fine. Let's do it.
The rule is, all slacks, all the time, no exceptions.
l hear that. l've reached my naked man quota for the year.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
We'll be there.
KAREN: Step inside, guys.
Your case just became legitimate.
Consider yourself hired.
l need answers and l need them quick.
Well, l do have something, Chief.
l'm getting a... l'm getting skin pigment.
Bronzed, glistening...
Adonis-like skin pigment.
You lead me through this field,
you let me ask one question,
l guarantee it's going to come down to spray tanning.
Well, this guy's never seen the inside of a tanning salon.
l don't think he ever saw the sun.
You've got 24 hours. Call me with something.
CARLTON: Grab a CSl. Verify time of death.
Looks like we might have to open a kennel for all these copycats.
SHAWN: Well, we're back to square one.
GUS: l don't know, Shawn.
Maybe square one is the answer.
Maybe this is something beyond our comprehension.
Something otherworldly.
l hear what you're saying. Do me a favor.
What? Let go of the alien angle.
We need something solid, Gus.
Something... Something concrete. You heard the Chief.
Dude,
how do you feel about leprechauns?
(IN lRISH ACCENT) Oh, hello, me buckos. l'm Marvin.
Welcome to Shenanigans, home of the world-famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
Hello, Marvin.
We're here to speak with a leprechaun.
(IN AMERlCAN ACCENT) Ha, ha, very funny. Please stop.
My tummy's aching from laughing so hard.
You guys want a table or what?
Dude, give me some props. He's got a hat with a buckle on it,
everything's green.
What? He's not a leprechaun.
Will you do me a favor?
In your funny accent, will you say, ''magically delicious''?
Is that the world-famous clover stamp?
That's the one.
Will you stamp my buddy's wrist?
Whatever floats your boat, man.
It's for our nighttime events there.
But, hey, you can have it in the daytime, too.
What nighttime events?
We have speed dating here.
Speed dating? Yeah.
Don't laugh. It's actually one of our most popular events.
Guys come in here, and they sign up, they put down a hundred bucks
and they get fixed up with all sorts of people
on little six minute mini-dates.
Did you say a hundred bucks? Hundred bucks.
How about fifty bucks for three minute dates?
Twenty five bucks for a minute and a half.
l float you a ten spot, you introduce us to somebody for 15 seconds.
How about you guys either get a table
or l'm going to have to ask you to leave the podium?
How about ''magically delicious''?
Will you say ''magically delicious''?
No, but l can say police if you don't get your butts out of here.
(IN lRISH ACCENT) Hello, there. l'm Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans,
home of the world famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
Yeah, l tried the speed dating thing a couple of times.
l just didn't think it had anything to do with the case
and l was a little embarrassed about it.
Wow.
You paid a hundred bucks?
Mr. Turk, we feel it has everything to do with the case, all right?
Both Phil Keiser and the guy who turned up dead attended these speed dating events.
(CLOCKS CHIMING)
Do you remember anything strange happening there?
Or meeting anyone odd?
The only odd thing was that the ladies didn't take to me like they usually do.
That's beyond odd. l can't imagine why, Fred.
Here's the thing, though.
Other strange things have been happening to me ever since l was at the event.
Like what?
Well, l applied for a job recently.
l was the perfect candidate.
l had several interviews and then suddenly after the final one,
l was rejected.
Let me ask you a question, Freddy, and please be honest.
Were you on time for these interviews?
Yes, why do you ask?
l have no reason.
l think there's a woman involved here,
who had it out for these guys.
We need to get a firsthand look at this speed dating phenomenon.
Not for a hundred bucks, we don't.
Gus, please, leave it to me.
Let me get this straight.
There is a dead body
and a murderer loose in our city
and you want the Santa Barbara Police Department
to pay for you to go on dates?
Yes, that's correct.
l mean, l suppose we could split it if we had to.
What's that called? Going... Going Dutch?
Go Dutch.
l am not paying for your dating services, Mr. Spencer.
Look, here's the catch, Chief.
l'm going to be reading these people, psychically.
And l don't need six minutes.
Give me 40 seconds with these people.
l'll be able to tell you if they had anything to do with the murder.
And you know what? Gus and l,
we really did try to negotiate
some sort of partial usage rate,
but we got shut down by that leprechaun.
Mr. Spencer, enough.
Wait, l'm getting something else.
It's a woman in sexy high heeled strappy shoes.
She's roughIy 5'2''.
Jules, may l please have a pen and something to write on?
''To Lassy,
''on the Alpine highway of life,
''you're my all-weather tires.
''H and K's, Shawn.''
What the hell is this?
H and K's stands for hugs and kisses.
Not that part. This part.
GUS: It's a tire pattern.
Run it through the system and we'll know what kind of car she drives.
Okay. l'll give you a shot at this,
but you're not going alone.
O'Hara, l want you to go along with these guys undercover
working things from the other side.
See if you can sift any information from these women.
Will do.
Chief, l think that's the best idea you've ever had.
Shawn, l am so glad you're on board.
KAREN: Detective Lassiter, l'm going to need you, too.
We don't know what this woman's type is,
and, besides, you're now leading the case.
Yeah, you know, Chief, with all due respect,
l'm really pretty busy working this case from another angle.
l mean, l ran the toxicology reports
and l found that all three victims tested positive for trace amounts
of the street drug GHB.
But our dead guy had a pre-existing heart condition.
So there was a pattern.
l think the murder was accidental.
And l like that track. Now, follow it up by going to the speed dating thing.
It's just a date, Lassiter.
You do know how to conduct yourself on a date, don't you?
(LO VE IS IN THE AIR PLAYING)
Okay, l checked out your tread pattern.
Thank you.
It's a high performance tire manufactured after 2002.
So we're looking for a woman
who drives a late model sports car, probably American-made.
And 5'2'' and likes strappy heels.
Check. Question.
Is that what you're wearing?
What's wrong with what l'm wearing? l always wear this.
Exactly. Lassy, you look like a cop.
Now come on, man.
Is that your holster? Of course it is.
You're here to speed date, man, not shoot somebody.
You got to loosen up. Come on, take off the tie.
l'm not taking fashion tips from you.
You need to show some chest hair.
Chicks dig the sternum bush.
Jules, back me up on the stern bush.
l'm going to go see what these women have to say before this thing starts.
Bye, Jules. All right, come on. Let's go, Simon Cowell.
You got the salt and pepper, man. It's nice.
l'm not taking off my tie just 'cause you tell me to.
Fine. Suit yourself.
LORRAINE: Ladies and gentlemen.
(BELL RINGING)
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming.
For those of you who are new, l will explain how this works.
Okay?
You will pick a numbered table to begin your first date.
Every six minutes, you will hear...
(BELL RINGS)
That will indicate the end of your time together.
And your next date will begin.
Now, l know, six minutes is not a long time
to get to know someone.
That's why myself and the other staff
will use the questionnaires you filled out to match you up.
Okay?
Love is in the air. l can smell it.
l smell cabbage.
Let the dating begin.
Shawn, that's a nice name.
Yeah, it's okay. It's okay.
My last name is Hofen-Inderheine.
Yeah, it's been a tough life.
Wow.
Kids can be cruel. Yeah.
You know you could probably change that.
What's your mom's maiden name?
Buzzteets.
Wow, yeah.
Teets, as in...
Yeah. Yeah. All my ancestry, we're farmers.
Oh, hey, l was raised on a farm.
No kidding.
l had this most adorable little pet goat named Cassie.
Goat? Yeah.
Did you ever have any, you know, pets growing up?
What were their names?
Oh, what's your favorite color?
(BELL RINGS)
LORRAINE: Move along.
l think these people might have more luck dating
if they'd ask more interesting questions.
l just hope, l don't get pile driven.
(GROWLS)
Carlton, l hope this isn't too forward of me,
but you have kind eyes.
Thank you.
This is uncanny. l know.
God, you know, l never meet anyone l connect with at these things.
That's why l didn't even bother dressing up. l mean l've given up a little.
l think you look great.
Thank you.
So, what kind of car do you drive?
Excuse me?
You drive a sports car? Mustang, maybe? 2003?
That's kind of a shallow question, isn't it?
Do you like hanging out in fields?
Okay, you know what, l think this date's over.
No, l've got three minutes left.
Where were you on the night of the 18th?
You know, normally, l would wear a dress.
And heels?
Yeah, l guess, maybe.
Like open-toed strappy ones?
What? Huh? Huh?
Is that what you have in your closet?
A lot of high-heeled shoes?
Do you have a foot fetish?
No.
Look at us. A couple kids on a proper date, huh?
You got some goosebumps?
Shawn, this isn't a date. It's work.
You're absolutely right. But, hey,
you still got six minutes to ask me anything you want.
So, what do you want to know?
What are you dying to know about Shawn Spencer, the man? The man.
Oddly enough, l don't think l have anything l'm dying to know.
Okay, Jules, don't lie, because lying is unbecoming.
l'll go first.
You, me, Burgess Meredith,
Hume Cronyn, Nipsey Russell, deserted island,
who are you going to sleep with?
Wait, so it's you or a bunch of dead guys?
Fair. l'll give you Scatman Crothers.
Dead. Flip Wilson.
Also dead. Donald Pleasance.
None of the above. None of the above?
Jules, are you kidding me? You got...
(BELL DINGS)
You're going to miss me, aren't you? A little bit.
Have fun on your next date, but l want you to think about that, okay?
Like if that really happened.
Bye, Shawn.
Go on. Tell her she looks pretty.
Yeah, no can do.
That's it, people.
You should have completed all your dates.
Please score your cards and check up front at the bar
and we will also tell you who you matched from your questionnaires.
Okay?
l'm sorry.
Date's over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
l just haven't been a high-heel guy since SingIe White Female.
l just... Yeah.
Thank you.
Dude,
l think that Darcy girl might be the one.
She's the right height,
she drives an '04 Trans Am.
And she wears nothing but heels.
How did you find out about the heels?
And she works in pharmaceutical sales, just like you.
Now, would she have access to that GHB stuff?
Well, she certainly would have access to the drugs to synthesize her own.
That's sweet. Dude, you got to ask her out.
What? And go out with a possible murderer?
You must be out of your mind. l'm not doing that.
Gus, l got to see her on a date. l got to see her in action.
l got to look, l got to listen, l got to feel.
Shawn, if we think it's her, let's tell Lassiter and Juliet
and get them to bring her in.
You see what happens when we blurt out our theories.
We totally whiffed on the tanning salon.
All right, fine. You go out with her then.
l would, but she matched up with you.
Oh, give her the sweetness. Dude, you got to give her the sweetness.
LORRAINE: This is a speed dating first.
You and you are a 100º% match from your personality questionnaires.
l smell love. Come on. Come on.
l need a drink. l got to pee.
Look, l don't know what to say to her.
l ran out of topics on the way over here.
Plus, she keeps wanting to rub my head. What's up with that?
Gus, everybody wants to rub your head.
Look, you're doing fine, okay?
Here, here.
Here's a list of conversation topics, basic starters.
You got your ball, head on over there. l'm right behind you.
''You're stranded on a deserted island and you have to procreate the species.''
Really?
This is gold. l give you gold.
(STEAD Y, AS SHE GOES PLAYING)
Yes!
That was good.
Shawn?
Detective O'Hara.
Shawn, what are you doing here?
Bowling, at a high level.
By yourself, on a Saturday night?
l'm in a league. It's semi-pro.
l could have gone pro, but you know what, l made a choice.
l like to get 1 4-15 hours of practice in...a week.
Wow.
l had no idea you were so serious about bowling.
Quite serious. Quite serious.
Matter of fact, Lego wants to sponsor me this year.
Oh, my God. That's great.
They also want me to wear shoes made out of Legos.
So, l'm torn.
Okay. Well, l don't want to interrupt your practicing.
Yeah, yeah, l should get back.
l'm really not here to mess around.
Oh, my God, l am so rude.
Kyle, Shawn. Shawn, Kyle.
No, that's my bowling hand. There you go.
Shawn works for the police department.
He's a psychic.
Oh, cool, a psychic.
Nice. Can you tell me anything about my future?
Oh, Kyle, please. That's not really how it works.
Though l am... l am getting something.
It's... It's hazy, but...
l'm sensing that you're going to face a lot of rejection.
Work-wise?
No. No. Not work-wise.
Not work-wise.
You know what? l'm going to go.
You kids get back to doing your thing.
You know, she bowl, then you bowl, then she bowl and you bowl.
And you've got the tight tuck
and it's sweet and it's perfect. See you, Jules.
Okay, okay.
Hold on a second. l'll be right back. Okay?
Okay.
Where the hell you been?
Oh, sorry. Sorry. l ran into somebody. How you doing? You okay?
Too okay. She wants to go back to my place.
Oh, this is great.
We'll get all the information we need.
No. The problem is l told her l live at the beach.
Why would you tell her that?
l don't know. l was trying to impress her at the time.
l didn't realize l was going to be dating her, Shawn.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay. Let me think.
Dude, l got it. You can take her to my dad's place.
This is perfect. Look, just give me a head start.
l'll prep. l'll cover everything.
Just drive slow, okay? We can do this.
All right, bye.
HENRY: Shawn... SHAWN: Just listen, Dad. Just listen.
Just hear me out. Hear me out. Listen.
This might actually be fun for us.
What, you expect me to stand outside of my own house, in the cold,
getting bitten by bugs so Gus can score with some girl?
l don't think so.
Okay. First of all, not just some girl, okay?
This dame is a looker. She's a peach. She's a spicy tomato.
And she may or may not be a murderer.
Oh, she... Right, see, l knew it. l knew it.
This has nothing to do with Gus finding a girl.
This is about you using my house so you can conduct a sting operation.
Shawn, it ain't going to happen.
Okay, what are you doing?
You're putting a negative spin on things, as usual.
Look,
might they have a few more obstacles
than your typical couple if she turns out to be a cold-blooded killer? Sure.
But what if they really fall in love, Dad?
Shawn, you've got about three seconds to get out of my way.
One...
That's cheating. You're cheating.
No, no, Dad.
Quiet. Shut up. Shut up.
Please, come in.
Oh! Oh. You lit a fire. That was fast.
Have a seat.
Welcome to my home.
Wow.
You really like fishing.
No. God, no.
l'm just playing.
Yes, actually, l do love fishing. Yes.
Love it. Love me some fishing.
Some wide mouth bass, some perch, some sturgeon.
(EXCLAIMS)
Sturgeon is a fish, right?
Okay. Okay.
What is that? What?
That smell. It's like...
It's like gardenia with a hint of mango.
What?
Oh, my God. Did you take a bath?
Yes, Shawn. l took a bath.
GUS: Yes, you know, like security safes, vaults with locking devices.
DARCY: Do you crack safes?
With bubbles?
DARCY: Are you my little safecracker?
GUS: Well, l haven't actually cracked any safes.
It's this new soap that l'm using.
It foams more.
It foams more?
Dad, it's called bubble bath.
Well, l don't think it's officially called bubble bath
if the bubbles happen accidentally, but whatever, Shawn.
Who are you? Where's my father?
l've accused you of being a lot of things in my lifetime,
but metrosexual was never one of them.
(GUS CHATTERING)
l am not a metrosexual. l just happen to be an average Joe
who is concerned about his health and appearance.
l have taken baths for years, Shawn.
That is where l think.
l have solved dozens and dozens of gruesome, gruesome murder cases sitting in a tub.
FYl, historically, real men have always taken baths.
Name one.
John Wayne. Rio Bravo. Bath.
You got anybody since the Old West?
(OVEN BELL DINGS)
What's that? That's my roast.
It's done. You made a roast?
For Christ's sake, Shawn. It's not a quiche. It's man food.
l would have gladly gone out and hunted it and killed it if l had the time.
And unless you get out of my way, l am going to kill you.
No, you can't go in there.
You go in there, you're going to compromise this entire investigation.
What is being compromised is my pot roast.
It is drying out as we speak.
Please.
No, Dad. No. God.
Please, kids, pay no mind. Just passing through to the kitchen.
Got to squeeze some juices on my roast.
Gus?
Oh, that's Henry. He's my roommate.
Yeah, he's just making a roast.
All done. All done. Just had to...
(IMITATING SQUlRTING SOUND)
Okay.
Look, it's fine that you have a roommate, but...
Honestly, it's cramping our style.
It is?
What do you say we go somewhere more private?
Private like where?
l know a back road that leads to a field.
We can park the car.
Yeah. l don't think we should go to the field.
Why? Why?
You don't like me. That's it, isn't it?
No, no, my hay fever. My hay fever.
The last place my nasal passages want to be is a field.
No, no, no, she's not your killer, Shawn.
Look in this girl's eyes, son.
They're sincere.
You don't think l'm pretty.
What? You...
You just felt bad because you...
We matched up at the speed dating and you didn't know what to say,
so you pretended.
Wow. You put all that together, huh?
(SOBBING)
Those are real tears, Shawn.
You're right.
That's real snot.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello. Lassy?
You what? Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, l got to go.
What do you mean you got to go?
You got this covered.
This poor girl is there weeping on your best friend's shoulder
in my house and you're leaving?
What do you do? What am l supposed to do?
l know. l know. It's a tough one. It's a real thinker.
l got it. Draw yourself another bath.
Shawn. Shawn.
Picked him up a couple of hours ago.
Found him loitering outside one of the speed dater's homes.
When Lassiter checked his place,
he found a stack of the questionnaires in his apartment.
CARLTON.: Tell me about these, Marvin.
Look, I don't know anything about any crime. I just...
l used the names and the numbers to get dates, man.
That's it.
l don't have a hundred bucks to slap down on some entrance fee.
Not on my crap salary. So, yeah.
And besides, that's why they go there.
They go there for dates, right? So why not me?
Why don't you think about that
while you're trying to take a crap in front of six other guys?
Look, okay, come on, all right?
All l did was l took some questionnaires out of the trash.
That's it.
What's the charge? Not littering?
So if you don't have anything more, l'd like to get to work.
You think he's telling the truth?
Not by a long shot.
Now, look at him, he's not the right height, he doesn't even own a car.
l mean he can't match the tire tread.
He's cocky. He thinks he's on a roll,
but l'm inside his head, Chief.
And l'm about to hang a Lopez around the frontal lobe
and shoot right out of his nose onto his vest.
You smell where l'm stepping?
(CARLTON AND MARVIN CHATTERING)
He had a partner.
You let him go back to work,
he's going to lead us right to the person.
And l'll be able to pick them out psychically.
You have my word.
l better.
Lassiter, Let him go.
Excuse me?
Release him. Release him?
Why am I going to release him? Why would I release him?
KAREN.: Release him.
What?
Why don't you get your shillelagh and get out of here?
You got it.
Excuse me, may l help you people?
Yeah. We're here for the speed dating event.
Oh, l'm sorry, it's already begun.
Oh, wait. l remember you.
Look, you seem like a decent fellow
and l'd hate for you to waste another $100.
But l was watching you
and you're not very good at this.
Police business. Scat.
Okay, l need to breathe and l need some space to do my thing.
Okay.
GUS: Shawn.
Oh, good, buddy, you got the message.
It's not Darcy. You're in the clear.
You're going to pay, Shawn. You are going to pay. Believe me.
No offense, but it's tough to feel threatened by you
when you're wearing that shirt. Is that a hibiscus?
It's not my shirt, Shawn. It's your dad's shirt.
He had to loan me one because mine was covered in snot tears.
l can't... Did you know he also takes bubble baths?
So did John Wayne.
l know, but can you name one other guy?
What's going on?
l solved the case. It's actually got a decent twist.
Have a seat.
Well, l'm actually kind of an adventurist.
You know, l was caught in an avalanche once and in order to survive,
l drank my own urine and l ate three of my toes,
which is, you know, maybe why you saw me limp when l came in.
Hey, big guy, you mind if l... You mind if l cut in here?
Oh, l don't know. We're kind of in a...
You're going to be okay. Okay, all right.
l really hope it wasn't rude. It seemed a little rude.
Well, actually, l should thank you because he was awful.
GLENDA: That is a very nice name.
But you're kind of cute.
So, navy blue's your favorite color?
Mine's green.
You know you seem European.
You're sure you don't have family history there?
What's your mother's maiden name?
So, after volunteering for the animal shelter, l decided...
Can l just... Can l stop you for a moment?
l'm so sorry. l'm so sorry.
Everybody, l'm sorry, if l could just get your attention for a sec here.
l'm sorry.
l want to pick this up right where we left off
if there's any time left on the clock, okay?
Because you seem like a terrific person. You deserve someone special.
Someone who makes you feel safe, but also a little dirty,
you know what l'm talking about?
Everyone deserves someone special,
each and every one of you. All of you.
Look, is your perfect match here tonight? l don't know. l'm not sure.
But the point is, you're here and you put your hearts on the line
and that's all that really matters.
Unfortunately, there are two people here that do not share your pure desires.
They're not here to find their soul mates.
They're not here to fall in love.
As a matter of fact, they're not even single.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
You, Glenda and you, Marvin, are a couple.
An odd couple, to be sure. But a couple.
Matter of fact, you're married.
That is absurd.
The tan lines on your fingers
where your wedding rings used to be will prove...
Please, not with the tanning thing again.
...that not only are you married,
but that tanning had something to do with this investigation.
Thank you, Chief. Now the question is,
why would a married couple infiltrate a singles event?
Well, the answer is simple.
It's a perfect place to commit their crime.
They're here to rob you, ladies and gentlemen.
To steal from you the one thing that is invariably your own.
identity.
l told you that leprechaun was bad.
SHAWN: Marvin did copy the questionnaires
to get these people's phone numbers and addresses.
And you, Glenda, cleverly found the answers to questions like,
''What's your mother's maiden name?''
''What's your favorite color?'' ''Did you have any pets?''
''What are their names?'' ''Name all the Bee Gees.''
Those are the same questions that you get at the bank from security
when you try to authorize a credit card.
So what was left?
Get the credits card numbers from these poor guys without them knowing they were robbed.
So you came up with a plan.
You foiled them, you drugged them.
You took down the numbers and you deposited them naked in a fieId
where they woke up disoriented,
grassy-assed, but none the wiser.
Fred Turk did see a little alien that day.
Except it wasn't an extraterrestrial.
It was Marvin in his ridiculous, stupid green leprechaun costume.
And they would have gotten away with it, too, folks,
if it wasn't for their last victim.
The one who didn't quite wake up.
Not so fast!
Because that isn't even the worst of it.
The worst of it is that you two stole a very valuable seat
that belonged to a single person.
A single person who believes in the power of love.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Both of you.
(BELL DINGS)
Murder, wow. That's a speed dating first.
Be sure to check up at the bar
and see who you match from your questionnaires. Okay?
l'm sorry about that.
Wow. You know, l just...
It was from here, though. You know that.
So, we were talking about what? We were talking about...
Beagles. Beagles, that's so sweet.
Because you like them and you put little sweaters on them.
Yeah, well, sometimes.
Excuse me, sorry. May l cut in?
It's my parole officer.
Oh. Yeah.
Okay. l'm sorry.
Sure. l'm sorry.
Sorry. Where did you...
l thought you... l thought you were on a date.
l was. It's over.
Over? Mmm-hmm.
Over, like he laid one on you
on the front porch and you got little butterflies, over?
Or you... You pretended like you had a headache
and you called it quits early, over?
Not that it's any of your business, but he can't bowl.
And that's a deal-breaker. l see.
Hmm. But, look, the only reason l sat down
is because l wanted to clear one thing up.
l don't take any stock
in those profile matching thingies
we did the other night.
Jules, l was just messing around. l...
l copied your card over your shoulder. Like verbatim.
What, you thought maybe l sew my own pajamas? That's...
Right, okay. Well, good,
because l don't want there to be any weirdness between us
and it seems like we're going to be working together a lot.
All the time. Yeah.
So, nice job on the case, by the way. Thank you very much.
Yeah. Thank you.
Okay, all right, l'll see you at work.
That's how we do it, work style. Yeah.
See you at work. See you.
Where's she going?
You know what, l think l undersold the fajitas.
Well, it wouldn't be the first time
a female walked out on you in the middle of a meal.
Oh, please, Gus, we're talking about Jules here.
It's not like we were on a date.
Plus it wouldn't work out. It would never work out.
l'd have to really bowl well.
And apparently that's a deal-breaker.
You know how awful those are?
l'm hungry, man. We don't have to stay.
Dude. Jerk chicken.
Oh, you know, that's right.
♪ ♪ In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I'm not inclined to resign to maturity ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ If it's all right then you're all wrong ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ But why bounce around to the same damn song? ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ You'd rather run when you can't crawl ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know That I'm not teeing the truth ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Embrace the deception Learn how to bend ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪