Psych (2006–2014): Season 1, Episode 11 - He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead - full transcript

Shawn! Stop.

Turn around.

Turn around.

What are you hiding?

Did you get in a fight,
Shawn?
Kind of.

Kind of?
What do you mean, kind of?

What did l tell you
about fighting?
Get over here, son.

Take a look at that.

You really got punched.
Here, hold that on your eye.

All right, tell me,
what's the name of
this kid who hit you?

Elizabeth.



You got in a fight
with a girl?

Well,
it wasn't really a fight.

She just punched me.

Why in the world
would she punch you?

What happened?

She asked me
to sit next to her
at lunch and l did.

And then l was eating
my Tater Tots
and she just punched me.

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

What was she doing
while you were eating
your Tater Tots?

l don't know.
She was talking
about something.

What?
What was she talking about?

l have no idea.
She just went on and on

and l was concentrating
on my Tater Tots.

l'll be damned.



Shawn, l know what happened.
You just had your first date.

Sit. Sit.

My first what?

Look, obviously this
Elizabeth girl likes you.

That's why
she invited you
over to sit next to her.

Then why'd she sock me
in the eye?

Because she likes you
and you didn't listen
to her story.

Women want you
to listen to them, Shawn.

They want you to pick up
every small detail,

they want you
to compliment them.

It's about tuning in
to people.

It's about
getting inside their heads
and anticipating their needs.

And this applies
to all aspects of life.

Not only
this girl Elizabeth,
but even your barber.

But l don't want
to date the barber.

Shawn,
l know that one day

all of this is going
to make sense to you.

You just have to believe me.

For now,
l'm going to leave you
with one very simple rule.

Under no circumstances ever,

ever do you
mention to a woman
her age or her weight.

SHAWN: Nobody breathe.
l've got it.

l've got it in grams
and l've got it in minutes.

Just give me a second here.
Do a little converting.

l got it.

37 years old. 127 pounds.

That was amazing.
How did you do that?

l have to admit though, sadly,
it's just a teensy bit higher
in the weight department.

Oh, you know what?
That's my bad.

l believe l was getting
a future reading
from next week.

It happens. l apologize.

Wait. l'm also getting
a dance belt.

You are my head detective.
And fishnet stockings.

But that's this guy.
That's this guy here.

Shawn. Shawn.
l'm kidding.

You're such a good sport.
Everybody loves you.

Hey, Spencer.
Lassy face.

Got the perfect case
for you guys.

l'm sorry.
You're saying that
you want our help?

Yeah.
What's the catch?

There's no catch.
It's just right up your alley.

We could really use
your insights on this one.

The guy's waiting
to give you a statement.
Interrogation room B.

Make me proud.

Okay.
What does that
sound like to you?

An opportunity.

No.

You think Lassiter's going
to just hand us over a case?

Stop. Let's think
about this for a minute.

Gus, come on.
What?

We're going to roll up
our sleeves, we're going
to get a little bit dirty

and we're going to do some
old-fashioned police work.

Come on. This is like
In the Heat of the Night.

Which makes me
Carroll O'Connor.

No. That means
you're Rod Steiger.

That way, l'm Sidney Poitier.

You know that's right.

Oh, boy.

Wow.

SHAWN.:
Looks like somebody beat us
to the rolling of the sleeves.

No.
What are you doing?

What?

This is our case.
He's naked.

We got to work the room.

l'm gonna work it
from the outside.

You're gonna work it
from in here.
Now shut the door.

Mr. Turk, is it?

My name's Shawn Spencer.

l'm the head P for the SBPD.

You're the who for the what?

Don't concern yourself
with the formalities,
Mr. Turk.

l'm here to take
your statement and find out

just what exactly
happened to you.

Well,
l don't really remember much.

Funny.

It says here you told
the desk sergeant,

you woke up naked
in a field with
your ass hanging out.

Yeah, that's right.

But l don't remember
exactly what they look like.

You know,
it's all really
confusing for me right now.

When you say ''they,''
just who are you referring to?

The aliens.

See?

Right, aliens.

Here it is.
Page two, got it.

How would you describe
these aliens, Mr. Turk?

Would you say they were small?
Would you say they were green?

You know, l don't really
recall right now.

l've got this headache and...

Who is that person over there?

Because he's really
making me uncomfortable.

l'm making you uncomfortable
right now?

Dude, is there any reason
why you're not wearing
any clothes now?

Hey, l think l might
have been abducted,
all right?

l believe l might
have been experimented on.

So there's no way
l'm going to touch

these clothes
and compromise evidence.

Okay, okay, Mr. Turk.

Please try to gain control
of your considerable person.

Why don't you cover up
with a towel?
That's why it's there.

One size fits all, l hope.

All right.
l'll cover up with
the towel, but first...

Does somebody want
to check me for scars?

Oh, good Lord.

(SHAWN SCREAMS)

♪ ♪ I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I know, you know
They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end ♪ ♪

GUS:
Are you really willing
to just dismiss the idea

that there's life
on other planets?

This is what l got.
l know he was dragged
out there.

Otherwise, no sign of assault.
Nothing taken.

Aside from the embarrassment
of waking up naked in a field,

we've got nothing
to hang our hats on.

l guess technically
we could have hung
our hats on his...

Shawn.
Sorry.

Look, if it's not
the alien thing,

then how do you explain
the memory loss,

the confusion,
the fact that he saw
a little green man?

Hallucinations.
No.

What? Dude,
you're the expert here.

Come on, man,
there's got to be some drug

that would
cause a combination
of those three things.

Think. Drugs.

Oh, you're asking me?
Sure.

Let me see.

Off the top of my head,

any SSRls, Tramadol,

Bupropion,
proton pump inhibitors.

That's what l'm talking about.
Thank you.

Venlafaxine, Ropinirole.

That's good work
from you, buddy.

B-adrenoreceptor antagonists.

Okay, gold star for Gus.

Phencyclidine,
Ketamine, Bofotenine.

You're not going to stop,
are you?

Did l already say Venlafaxine?

There's no way to be sure.

Wait, wait a second.

Didn't he say
something to you
about smelling lavender?

Yeah.
He said right
before he blacked out,

he remembered
the strong scent of lavender

and seeing barbed wire.

Right.
Wait a second.

Gus, that's not
a hallucination.

That's a location.

That's what l'm saying!
And l know
exactly where it is.

SHAWN: Dude,
l've driven by this
place at least twice.

(SlREN WAILING)

The question is,
what are the cops doing here?

OFFICER ON RADIO.:
...body of another
maIe Caucasian, earIy 30s,

possible 314.
Officers on scene.

Johnny.

Oh.

Oh.

Look,
l saw the picture of
that Turk guy in the paper.

Now, it's me in a field
naked, headache.

You do the math.

Do you remember seeing
anything out of the ordinary?

l don't remember much at all.

So, you just woke up in
a field wearing nothing but
your birthday suit?

KEISER: Look,
l told you yes already.

Are you going to
give me a hard time?

'Cause l'm a little
freaked out as it is.

And can somebody
get me a bigger towel?

This thing is like the size
of a washcloth.

What are you,
some kind of pervert?

Cut him some slack.
He's just doing his job.

You think
he gets his jollies

taking pictures
of your ding dong?

SHAWN: Lassy.

What are you guys
doing here?

This is my case.
You gave it to me, remember?

Look, this is a copycat,
okay?

He saw Turk's
picture in the paper.
He's looking for attention.

So, he wakes up and sees
Turk in the paper naked,

humiliated,
the butt of jokes
at the water cooler

and says,
''Hmm, how can l make
this work for myself?''

What?

Plus,
it's really itchy out here.

When you get your master's
degree in criminology,

then you can call me.

In the meantime,
l got a half-eaten
Enchirito in my car.

All right, here we go.
You're up.

What?
Do it.

l'm not doing that.
Dude.

l took the fat guy
in the police station.

l'm not doing that.

This is a much better pull.
l'm not doing that, Shawn.

We're partners. Gus.

What does this case have
to do with a tanning salon?

It's the middle
of winter in Santa Barbara.

Those dudes looked like
gingerbread men without
tan lines.

They fake and they bake.

Shawn, exactly
how close did you
look at these naked guys?

Too close.

My heightened
observational skills are
considered a gift by most,

but l'm here to tell you,
it can be a burden.

How do you know
it's this place?

Keiser didn't have any
streaks on his buttocks,
okay?

That screams
the Insta-Tan process

and this is
the only place
that does that.

Right.

Plus, they both
live within a mile
and a half of this joint.

Uh-huh.

l can't ring this.
Hello? Hello?

Look, l'm going to
snoop around, okay?

You find out if Turk
or Keiser were here.
And if so, when?

Oh, Shawn, Shawn.
This is not going to work.

Dude,
l've got to do my thing.

l've got to
mix it up nice.
But...

You always complain
you don't get to do
the questiony part.

Questiony part. Gus.

Right.
You're forgetting...

May l help you?

Yes. l'm here for
a tanning appointment.

For yourself?

Yes, for the
Insta-Tan process.
l would like that.

But...

What?
You...

Yes.

l don't understand.

Okay, look, screw it.
l can't do it.

Have you seen
either of these
two guys here before?

Fred Turk or Philip Keiser?

Shawn. Shawn.

Okay,
both Turk and Keiser
not only have been here,

but they're regulars.

He says, it's always
the single guys who try
to keep up with their tans.

Single guys?
Yeah.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe some
woman is targeting
singles at the salon.

The question is,
what kind of loser thinks

getting a tan is going to
help him score a woman?

Dad?

Dad, what are you doing here?

The real question is,
what are you doing here?

Well,
George Hamilton,
we're on a case.

Or maybe you missed
the pictures of the guys
in the paper in the field.

Yes, of course l saw it.
The nudist guy in the field,

thinks he was abducted
by aliens.

idiot.
What does that have
to do with this place?

Well,
they're both regulars here.

They both
happen to be single,

so this could be
a stalking case.

Wait a second,
your dad is single and
he comes here all the time.

HENRY: Everybody comes here.

What is that?
What?

Exfoliating scrub with pumice.

Whatever, Shawn.
All l know is,

when l varnish my boat
and l don't want it to streak,

l sand off a layer first.
Same thing goes with tanning.

That is the single
most disturbing analogy

l've ever heard
in my entire life.

Where are they?
Who?

The Queer Eye guys.
l know they're here somewhere.

Gus, what are their names?

How am l supposed to know,
Shawn?

Carson and Jai and
the guy with the glasses.

Oh, yeah,
who cooks the fish.
Right.

Shawn, you know what
your real problem is?

You got yourself another case

and, as usual,
you're short sighted.

You think
it's all impressive

'cause you see a couple of
nude guys in a field.

You put a fix on them here.

Well, it's not enough.

This is what we know.

Both these guys are trying
to impress someone,

which means
a woman was involved

and that same woman
was with them in the field.

Shawn saw a woman's
shoe strap in the field.

How or why
she connects to them,
l just don't know yet.

Well, you're not
looking close enough.

Believe me,
l've looked just about
as close as l can bear.

l'm with you
on the aliens thing.

They're here
and they swapped out
my father with José Eber.

l think
your dad might be right.

l think we should get Turk
and Keiser in the same room

and actually ask them
some questions.

Fine. Let's do it.

The rule is, all slacks,
all the time, no exceptions.

l hear that. l've reached my
naked man quota for the year.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

We'll be there.

KAREN: Step inside, guys.

Your case just
became legitimate.

Consider yourself hired.

l need answers
and l need them quick.

Well, l do have
something, Chief.

l'm getting a...
l'm getting skin pigment.

Bronzed, glistening...

Adonis-like skin pigment.

You lead me
through this field,

you let me ask one question,

l guarantee it's going to
come down to spray tanning.

Well, this guy's never seen
the inside of a tanning salon.

l don't think
he ever saw the sun.

You've got 24 hours.
Call me with something.

CARLTON: Grab a CSl.
Verify time of death.

Looks like we might
have to open a kennel
for all these copycats.

SHAWN: Well,
we're back to square one.

GUS: l don't know, Shawn.

Maybe square one
is the answer.

Maybe this is something
beyond our comprehension.

Something otherworldly.

l hear what you're saying.
Do me a favor.

What?
Let go of the alien angle.

We need something solid, Gus.

Something...
Something concrete.
You heard the Chief.

Dude,

how do you feel
about leprechauns?

(IN lRISH ACCENT)
Oh, hello, me buckos.
l'm Marvin.

Welcome to Shenanigans,
home of the world-famous
Blarney Stone fajitas.

Hello, Marvin.

We're here to
speak with a leprechaun.

(IN AMERlCAN ACCENT)
Ha, ha, very funny.
Please stop.

My tummy's aching
from laughing so hard.

You guys want a table or what?

Dude, give me some props.
He's got a hat with
a buckle on it,

everything's green.

What?
He's not a leprechaun.

Will you do me a favor?

In your funny accent,
will you say,
''magically delicious''?

Is that the world-famous
clover stamp?

That's the one.

Will you stamp
my buddy's wrist?

Whatever floats your boat,
man.

It's for our
nighttime events there.

But, hey,
you can have it
in the daytime, too.

What nighttime events?

We have speed dating here.

Speed dating?
Yeah.

Don't laugh.
It's actually one of
our most popular events.

Guys come in here,
and they sign up,
they put down a hundred bucks

and they get fixed up
with all sorts of people

on little six minute
mini-dates.

Did you say a hundred bucks?
Hundred bucks.

How about fifty bucks
for three minute dates?

Twenty five bucks
for a minute and a half.

l float you a ten spot,
you introduce us to
somebody for 15 seconds.

How about you guys
either get a table

or l'm going to have to
ask you to leave the podium?

How about
''magically delicious''?

Will you say
''magically delicious''?

No, but l can say police
if you don't get your
butts out of here.

(IN lRISH ACCENT)
Hello, there. l'm Marvin.
Welcome to Shenanigans,

home of the world famous
Blarney Stone fajitas.

Yeah, l tried
the speed dating
thing a couple of times.

l just didn't think
it had anything to do
with the case

and l was a little
embarrassed about it.

Wow.

You paid a hundred bucks?

Mr. Turk, we feel
it has everything to do
with the case, all right?

Both Phil Keiser and the guy
who turned up dead attended
these speed dating events.

(CLOCKS CHIMING)

Do you remember anything
strange happening there?

Or meeting anyone odd?

The only odd thing was
that the ladies didn't take
to me like they usually do.

That's beyond odd.
l can't imagine why, Fred.

Here's the thing, though.

Other strange things
have been happening to me
ever since l was at the event.

Like what?

Well, l applied
for a job recently.

l was the perfect candidate.

l had several interviews
and then suddenly
after the final one,

l was rejected.

Let me ask you a question,
Freddy, and please be honest.

Were you on time
for these interviews?

Yes, why do you ask?

l have no reason.

l think there's
a woman involved here,

who had it out
for these guys.

We need to get
a firsthand look at
this speed dating phenomenon.

Not for a hundred bucks,
we don't.

Gus, please,
leave it to me.

Let me get this straight.

There is a dead body

and a murderer
loose in our city

and you want
the Santa Barbara
Police Department

to pay for you
to go on dates?

Yes, that's correct.

l mean,
l suppose we could
split it if we had to.

What's that called?
Going... Going Dutch?

Go Dutch.

l am not paying for your
dating services,
Mr. Spencer.

Look, here's the catch,
Chief.

l'm going to be reading
these people, psychically.

And l don't need six minutes.

Give me 40 seconds
with these people.

l'll be able to tell you
if they had anything to
do with the murder.

And you know what?
Gus and l,

we really did
try to negotiate

some sort of
partial usage rate,

but we got shut down
by that leprechaun.

Mr. Spencer, enough.

Wait,
l'm getting something else.

It's a woman in sexy
high heeled strappy shoes.

She's roughIy 5'2''.

Jules,
may l please have a pen
and something to write on?

''To Lassy,

''on the Alpine
highway of life,

''you're my all-weather tires.

''H and K's, Shawn.''

What the hell is this?

H and K's stands for
hugs and kisses.

Not that part. This part.

GUS: It's a tire pattern.

Run it through the system
and we'll know what kind
of car she drives.

Okay.
l'll give you
a shot at this,

but you're not going alone.

O'Hara,
l want you to go along
with these guys undercover

working things
from the other side.

See if you can
sift any information
from these women.

Will do.

Chief, l think that's
the best idea you've ever had.

Shawn,
l am so glad
you're on board.

KAREN: Detective Lassiter,
l'm going to need you, too.

We don't know what
this woman's type is,

and, besides,
you're now leading the case.

Yeah, you know, Chief,
with all due respect,

l'm really pretty busy
working this case from
another angle.

l mean,
l ran the toxicology reports

and l found that
all three victims tested
positive for trace amounts

of the street drug GHB.

But our dead guy had
a pre-existing
heart condition.

So there was a pattern.

l think
the murder was accidental.

And l like that track.
Now, follow it up by going
to the speed dating thing.

It's just a date, Lassiter.

You do know how to conduct
yourself on a date, don't you?

(LO VE IS IN THE AIR PLAYING)

Okay, l checked out
your tread pattern.

Thank you.

It's a high performance tire
manufactured after 2002.

So we're looking for a woman

who drives a
late model sports car,
probably American-made.

And 5'2''
and likes strappy heels.

Check. Question.

Is that what
you're wearing?

What's wrong with
what l'm wearing?
l always wear this.

Exactly. Lassy,
you look like a cop.

Now come on, man.

Is that your holster?
Of course it is.

You're here to
speed date, man,
not shoot somebody.

You got to loosen up.
Come on, take off the tie.

l'm not taking fashion tips
from you.

You need to show
some chest hair.

Chicks dig
the sternum bush.

Jules, back me up
on the stern bush.

l'm going to go see
what these women have to
say before this thing starts.

Bye, Jules.
All right, come on.
Let's go, Simon Cowell.

You got the salt and pepper,
man. It's nice.

l'm not taking off my tie
just 'cause you tell me to.

Fine. Suit yourself.

LORRAINE:
Ladies and gentlemen.

(BELL RINGING)

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you all for coming.

For those of you who are new,
l will explain how this works.

Okay?

You will pick
a numbered table to
begin your first date.

Every six minutes,
you will hear...

(BELL RINGS)

That will indicate
the end of your time together.

And your next date will begin.

Now, l know,
six minutes is
not a long time

to get to know someone.

That's why myself
and the other staff

will use the questionnaires
you filled out to
match you up.

Okay?

Love is in the air.
l can smell it.

l smell cabbage.

Let the dating begin.

Shawn, that's a nice name.

Yeah, it's okay.
It's okay.

My last name is
Hofen-Inderheine.

Yeah,
it's been a tough life.

Wow.

Kids can be cruel.
Yeah.

You know you could
probably change that.

What's your mom's
maiden name?

Buzzteets.

Wow, yeah.

Teets, as in...

Yeah. Yeah.
All my ancestry,
we're farmers.

Oh, hey,
l was raised on a farm.

No kidding.

l had this most adorable
little pet goat named Cassie.

Goat?
Yeah.

Did you ever have any,
you know, pets growing up?

What were their names?

Oh, what's your
favorite color?

(BELL RINGS)

LORRAINE: Move along.

l think these people
might have more luck dating

if they'd ask more
interesting questions.

l just hope,
l don't get pile driven.

(GROWLS)

Carlton, l hope
this isn't too forward of me,

but you have kind eyes.

Thank you.

This is uncanny.
l know.

God, you know,
l never meet anyone l
connect with at these things.

That's why l didn't
even bother dressing up.
l mean l've given up a little.

l think you look great.

Thank you.

So, what kind of
car do you drive?

Excuse me?

You drive a sports car?
Mustang, maybe? 2003?

That's kind of
a shallow question, isn't it?

Do you like hanging out
in fields?

Okay, you know what,
l think this date's over.

No, l've got
three minutes left.

Where were you on
the night of the 18th?

You know, normally,
l would wear a dress.

And heels?

Yeah, l guess, maybe.

Like open-toed
strappy ones?

What? Huh?
Huh?

Is that what you
have in your closet?

A lot of high-heeled shoes?

Do you have a foot fetish?

No.

Look at us.
A couple kids on
a proper date, huh?

You got some goosebumps?

Shawn, this isn't a date.
It's work.

You're absolutely right.
But, hey,

you still got six minutes
to ask me anything you want.

So, what do you
want to know?

What are you dying to know
about Shawn Spencer, the man?
The man.

Oddly enough,
l don't think l have
anything l'm dying to know.

Okay, Jules, don't lie,
because lying is unbecoming.

l'll go first.

You, me, Burgess Meredith,

Hume Cronyn,
Nipsey Russell,
deserted island,

who are you going
to sleep with?

Wait, so it's you
or a bunch of dead guys?

Fair.
l'll give you
Scatman Crothers.

Dead.
Flip Wilson.

Also dead.
Donald Pleasance.

None of the above.
None of the above?

Jules, are you kidding me?
You got...

(BELL DINGS)

You're going to miss me,
aren't you? A little bit.

Have fun on your next date,
but l want you
to think about that, okay?

Like if that really happened.

Bye, Shawn.

Go on.
Tell her she looks pretty.

Yeah, no can do.

That's it, people.

You should have
completed all your dates.

Please score your cards
and check up front at the bar

and we will also tell you
who you matched from your
questionnaires.

Okay?

l'm sorry.

Date's over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

l just haven't been
a high-heel guy
since SingIe White Female.

l just... Yeah.

Thank you.

Dude,

l think that Darcy girl
might be the one.

She's the right height,

she drives an
'04 Trans Am.

And she wears
nothing but heels.

How did you find out
about the heels?

And she works in
pharmaceutical sales,
just like you.

Now, would she have access
to that GHB stuff?

Well, she certainly would have
access to the drugs
to synthesize her own.

That's sweet.
Dude, you got
to ask her out.

What? And go out
with a possible murderer?

You must be out of your mind.
l'm not doing that.

Gus, l got
to see her on a date.
l got to see her in action.

l got to look,
l got to listen,
l got to feel.

Shawn, if we think it's her,
let's tell Lassiter and Juliet

and get them to bring her in.

You see what happens
when we blurt out
our theories.

We totally whiffed
on the tanning salon.

All right, fine.
You go out with her then.

l would, but
she matched up with you.

Oh, give her the sweetness.
Dude, you got to give her
the sweetness.

LORRAINE:
This is a speed dating first.

You and you are
a 100º% match from your
personality questionnaires.

l smell love.
Come on. Come on.

l need a drink.
l got to pee.

Look, l don't know
what to say to her.

l ran out of topics
on the way over here.

Plus, she keeps
wanting to rub my head.
What's up with that?

Gus, everybody wants
to rub your head.

Look, you're doing fine,
okay?

Here, here.

Here's a list of
conversation topics,
basic starters.

You got your ball,
head on over there.
l'm right behind you.

''You're stranded on
a deserted island and you have
to procreate the species.''

Really?

This is gold.
l give you gold.

(STEAD Y, AS SHE GOES PLAYING)

Yes!

That was good.

Shawn?

Detective O'Hara.

Shawn,
what are you doing here?

Bowling, at a high level.

By yourself,
on a Saturday night?

l'm in a league.
It's semi-pro.

l could have gone pro,
but you know what,
l made a choice.

l like to
get 1 4-15 hours
of practice in...a week.

Wow.

l had no idea you were
so serious about bowling.

Quite serious.
Quite serious.

Matter of fact,
Lego wants to
sponsor me this year.

Oh, my God.
That's great.

They also want me
to wear shoes
made out of Legos.

So, l'm torn.

Okay.
Well, l don't want to
interrupt your practicing.

Yeah, yeah,
l should get back.

l'm really not here
to mess around.

Oh, my God,
l am so rude.

Kyle, Shawn.
Shawn, Kyle.

No, that's my bowling hand.
There you go.

Shawn works for
the police department.

He's a psychic.

Oh, cool, a psychic.

Nice. Can you
tell me anything
about my future?

Oh, Kyle, please.
That's not really
how it works.

Though l am...
l am getting something.

It's...
It's hazy, but...

l'm sensing
that you're going to
face a lot of rejection.

Work-wise?

No. No. Not work-wise.

Not work-wise.

You know what?
l'm going to go.

You kids get back
to doing your thing.

You know,
she bowl, then you bowl,
then she bowl and you bowl.

And you've got
the tight tuck

and it's sweet
and it's perfect.
See you, Jules.

Okay, okay.

Hold on a second.
l'll be right back. Okay?

Okay.

Where the hell you been?

Oh, sorry. Sorry.
l ran into somebody.
How you doing? You okay?

Too okay.
She wants to go
back to my place.

Oh, this is great.

We'll get all the
information we need.

No. The problem is
l told her l live
at the beach.

Why would you tell her that?

l don't know.
l was trying to
impress her at the time.

l didn't realize l was going
to be dating her, Shawn.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.
Let me think.

Dude, l got it.
You can take her
to my dad's place.

This is perfect. Look, just
give me a head start.

l'll prep.
l'll cover everything.

Just drive slow, okay?
We can do this.

All right, bye.

HENRY: Shawn...
SHAWN: Just listen, Dad.
Just listen.

Just hear me out.
Hear me out. Listen.

This might actually
be fun for us.

What, you expect me to stand
outside of my own house,
in the cold,

getting bitten by bugs
so Gus can score with
some girl?

l don't think so.

Okay. First of all,
not just some girl,
okay?

This dame is a looker.
She's a peach.
She's a spicy tomato.

And she may or
may not be a murderer.

Oh, she... Right,
see, l knew it.
l knew it.

This has nothing to do
with Gus finding a girl.

This is about you
using my house so you can
conduct a sting operation.

Shawn,
it ain't going to happen.

Okay, what are you doing?

You're putting a negative
spin on things, as usual.

Look,

might they have
a few more obstacles

than your typical couple
if she turns out to be a
cold-blooded killer? Sure.

But what if they really
fall in love, Dad?

Shawn, you've got
about three seconds
to get out of my way.

One...

That's cheating.
You're cheating.

No, no, Dad.

Quiet. Shut up. Shut up.

Please, come in.

Oh! Oh.
You lit a fire.
That was fast.

Have a seat.

Welcome to my home.

Wow.

You really like fishing.

No. God, no.

l'm just playing.

Yes, actually, l do
love fishing. Yes.

Love it.
Love me some fishing.

Some wide mouth bass,
some perch, some sturgeon.

(EXCLAIMS)

Sturgeon is a fish, right?

Okay. Okay.

What is that?
What?

That smell. It's like...

It's like gardenia
with a hint of mango.

What?

Oh, my God.
Did you take a bath?

Yes, Shawn.
l took a bath.

GUS: Yes, you know,
like security safes,
vaults with locking devices.

DARCY: Do you crack safes?

With bubbles?

DARCY: Are you
my little safecracker?

GUS: Well,
l haven't actually
cracked any safes.

It's this new soap
that l'm using.

It foams more.

It foams more?

Dad, it's called
bubble bath.

Well, l don't think
it's officially
called bubble bath

if the bubbles
happen accidentally,
but whatever, Shawn.

Who are you?
Where's my father?

l've accused you of
being a lot of things
in my lifetime,

but metrosexual
was never one of them.

(GUS CHATTERING)

l am not a metrosexual.
l just happen to be
an average Joe

who is concerned about
his health and appearance.

l have taken baths
for years, Shawn.

That is where l think.

l have solved dozens and
dozens of gruesome, gruesome
murder cases sitting in a tub.

FYl,
historically, real men
have always taken baths.

Name one.

John Wayne. Rio Bravo. Bath.

You got anybody
since the Old West?

(OVEN BELL DINGS)

What's that?
That's my roast.

It's done.
You made a roast?

For Christ's sake, Shawn.
It's not a quiche.
It's man food.

l would have gladly
gone out and hunted it and
killed it if l had the time.

And unless
you get out of my way,
l am going to kill you.

No, you can't go in there.

You go in there,
you're going to compromise
this entire investigation.

What is being compromised
is my pot roast.

It is drying out
as we speak.

Please.

No, Dad. No. God.

Please, kids, pay no mind.
Just passing through
to the kitchen.

Got to squeeze
some juices on my roast.

Gus?

Oh, that's Henry.
He's my roommate.

Yeah,
he's just making a roast.

All done. All done.
Just had to...

(IMITATING SQUlRTING SOUND)

Okay.

Look, it's fine that
you have a roommate,
but...

Honestly,
it's cramping our style.

It is?

What do you say we go
somewhere more private?

Private like where?

l know a back road
that leads to a field.

We can park the car.

Yeah. l don't think
we should go to the field.

Why?
Why?

You don't like me.
That's it, isn't it?

No, no, my hay fever.
My hay fever.

The last place
my nasal passages
want to be is a field.

No, no, no,
she's not your killer, Shawn.

Look in this girl's eyes, son.

They're sincere.

You don't think
l'm pretty.

What?
You...

You just felt bad
because you...

We matched up
at the speed dating and
you didn't know what to say,

so you pretended.

Wow. You put all that
together, huh?

(SOBBING)

Those are real tears, Shawn.

You're right.

That's real snot.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Lassy?

You what? Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad,
l got to go.

What do you mean
you got to go?

You got this covered.

This poor girl
is there weeping on
your best friend's shoulder

in my house
and you're leaving?

What do you do?
What am l supposed to do?

l know. l know.
It's a tough one.
It's a real thinker.

l got it.
Draw yourself another bath.

Shawn. Shawn.

Picked him up
a couple of hours ago.

Found him loitering outside
one of the speed dater's
homes.

When Lassiter
checked his place,

he found a stack of
the questionnaires
in his apartment.

CARLTON.: Tell me about these,
Marvin.

Look, I don't know anything
about any crime.
I just...

l used the names
and the numbers
to get dates, man.

That's it.

l don't have a hundred bucks
to slap down on some
entrance fee.

Not on my crap salary.
So, yeah.

And besides,
that's why they go there.

They go there
for dates, right?
So why not me?

Why don't you
think about that

while you're trying to
take a crap in front
of six other guys?

Look, okay, come on,
all right?

All l did was l took
some questionnaires
out of the trash.

That's it.

What's the charge?
Not littering?

So if you don't
have anything more,
l'd like to get to work.

You think
he's telling the truth?

Not by a long shot.

Now, look at him,
he's not the right height,
he doesn't even own a car.

l mean he can't
match the tire tread.

He's cocky.
He thinks he's on a roll,

but l'm inside his head,
Chief.

And l'm about
to hang a Lopez
around the frontal lobe

and shoot right out
of his nose onto his vest.

You smell where l'm stepping?

(CARLTON AND MARVIN
CHATTERING)

He had a partner.

You let him go back to work,

he's going to lead us
right to the person.

And l'll be able to
pick them out psychically.

You have my word.

l better.

Lassiter, Let him go.

Excuse me?

Release him.
Release him?

Why am I
going to release him?
Why would I release him?

KAREN.: Release him.

What?

Why don't you
get your shillelagh
and get out of here?

You got it.

Excuse me,
may l help you people?

Yeah.
We're here for
the speed dating event.

Oh, l'm sorry,
it's already begun.

Oh, wait.
l remember you.

Look,
you seem like
a decent fellow

and l'd hate for you
to waste another $100.

But l was watching you

and you're not
very good at this.

Police business. Scat.

Okay, l need to breathe
and l need some space
to do my thing.

Okay.

GUS: Shawn.

Oh, good, buddy,
you got the message.

It's not Darcy.
You're in the clear.

You're going to pay, Shawn.
You are going to pay.
Believe me.

No offense, but it's tough
to feel threatened by you

when you're
wearing that shirt.
Is that a hibiscus?

It's not my shirt, Shawn.
It's your dad's shirt.

He had to loan me one
because mine was covered
in snot tears.

l can't...
Did you know
he also takes bubble baths?

So did John Wayne.

l know, but can you
name one other guy?

What's going on?

l solved the case.
It's actually got
a decent twist.

Have a seat.

Well,
l'm actually kind
of an adventurist.

You know, l was caught
in an avalanche once
and in order to survive,

l drank my own urine
and l ate three of my toes,

which is, you know,
maybe why you saw me
limp when l came in.

Hey, big guy,
you mind if l...
You mind if l cut in here?

Oh, l don't know.
We're kind of in a...

You're going to be okay.
Okay, all right.

l really hope
it wasn't rude.
It seemed a little rude.

Well, actually,
l should thank you
because he was awful.

GLENDA:
That is a very nice name.

But you're kind of cute.

So, navy blue's
your favorite color?

Mine's green.

You know you seem European.

You're sure
you don't have
family history there?

What's your mother's
maiden name?

So, after volunteering
for the animal shelter,
l decided...

Can l just...
Can l stop you
for a moment?

l'm so sorry.
l'm so sorry.

Everybody, l'm sorry,
if l could just get your
attention for a sec here.

l'm sorry.

l want to pick this up
right where we left off

if there's any time
left on the clock, okay?

Because you seem
like a terrific person.
You deserve someone special.

Someone
who makes you feel safe,
but also a little dirty,

you know
what l'm talking about?

Everyone deserves
someone special,

each and every one
of you. All of you.

Look, is your perfect match
here tonight?
l don't know. l'm not sure.

But the point is, you're here
and you put your hearts
on the line

and that's all
that really matters.

Unfortunately, there are two
people here that do not share
your pure desires.

They're not here
to find their soul mates.

They're not here
to fall in love.

As a matter of fact,
they're not even single.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

You, Glenda and you,
Marvin, are a couple.

An odd couple, to be sure.
But a couple.

Matter of fact,
you're married.

That is absurd.

The tan lines
on your fingers

where your wedding rings
used to be will prove...

Please, not with
the tanning thing again.

...that not only
are you married,

but that tanning had something
to do with this investigation.

Thank you, Chief.
Now the question is,

why would a married couple
infiltrate a singles event?

Well, the answer is simple.

It's a perfect place
to commit their crime.

They're here to rob you,
ladies and gentlemen.

To steal from you the one
thing that is invariably
your own.

identity.

l told you that
leprechaun was bad.

SHAWN:
Marvin did copy
the questionnaires

to get these people's
phone numbers and addresses.

And you,
Glenda, cleverly found
the answers to questions like,

''What's your mother's
maiden name?''

''What's your favorite color?''
''Did you have any pets?''

''What are their names?''
''Name all the Bee Gees.''

Those are the same questions
that you get at the bank
from security

when you try
to authorize
a credit card.

So what was left?

Get the credits card numbers
from these poor guys without
them knowing they were robbed.

So you came up with a plan.

You foiled them,
you drugged them.

You took down the numbers
and you deposited them
naked in a fieId

where they
woke up disoriented,

grassy-assed,
but none the wiser.

Fred Turk did see
a little alien that day.

Except it wasn't
an extraterrestrial.

It was Marvin
in his ridiculous, stupid
green leprechaun costume.

And they would have
gotten away with it,
too, folks,

if it wasn't for
their last victim.

The one who didn't
quite wake up.

Not so fast!

Because that isn't
even the worst of it.

The worst of it is
that you two stole
a very valuable seat

that belonged
to a single person.

A single person
who believes in
the power of love.

You should be
ashamed of yourselves.

Both of you.

(BELL DINGS)

Murder, wow.
That's a speed dating first.

Be sure to check up
at the bar

and see who you match
from your questionnaires.
Okay?

l'm sorry about that.

Wow.
You know, l just...

It was from here, though.
You know that.

So, we were talking
about what? We were
talking about...

Beagles.
Beagles, that's so sweet.

Because you like them
and you put little
sweaters on them.

Yeah, well, sometimes.

Excuse me, sorry.
May l cut in?

It's my parole officer.

Oh.
Yeah.

Okay.
l'm sorry.

Sure.
l'm sorry.

Sorry.
Where did you...

l thought you...
l thought you
were on a date.

l was. It's over.

Over?
Mmm-hmm.

Over, like
he laid one on you

on the front porch
and you got little
butterflies, over?

Or you...
You pretended like
you had a headache

and you called it
quits early, over?

Not that it's any
of your business,
but he can't bowl.

And that's a deal-breaker.
l see.

Hmm. But, look,
the only reason
l sat down

is because l wanted
to clear one thing up.

l don't take any stock

in those profile
matching thingies

we did
the other night.

Jules, l was
just messing
around. l...

l copied your card
over your shoulder.
Like verbatim.

What, you thought maybe
l sew my own pajamas?
That's...

Right, okay.
Well, good,

because l don't
want there to be any
weirdness between us

and it seems like
we're going to be
working together a lot.

All the time.
Yeah.

So, nice job on
the case, by the way.
Thank you very much.

Yeah.
Thank you.

Okay, all right,
l'll see you at work.

That's how we do it,
work style.
Yeah.

See you at work.
See you.

Where's she going?

You know what, l think
l undersold the fajitas.

Well, it wouldn't
be the first time

a female walked out on you
in the middle of a meal.

Oh, please, Gus,
we're talking
about Jules here.

It's not like
we were on a date.

Plus it wouldn't work out.
It would never work out.

l'd have to
really bowl well.

And apparently
that's a deal-breaker.

You know
how awful those are?

l'm hungry, man.
We don't have to stay.

Dude. Jerk chicken.

Oh, you know,
that's right.

♪ ♪ In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ If it's all right
then you're all wrong ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ But why bounce around
to the same damn song? ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ You'd rather run
when you can't crawl ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I know, you know
That I'm not teeing the truth ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I know, you know
They just don't have any proof ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I know, you know ♪ ♪