Preacher (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Schwanzkopf - full transcript

Here He comes. The light upon the world.

Oh, yeah. He is something else.

Any last words, Mr Custer?

Yeah. I have a gun in my pocket.

Wit till the very end.

I do. I have a gun in my inside pocket.

See? Starr wanted me to kill you.

Then he shall know my buttocks
as few men ever have.

Now untie me.

You jest.

Well, you're gonna kill me
as soon as this works, right?



Of course.

Then let me die on my knees before God.

You have your guards.

You have the gun. You have your Messiah.

Let me die a Christian.

Not very trusting, are you?

On your knees, man of God.

Forgive me. Amen.

Nothing more?

No use struggling, Christian.

I will have Genesis.

Blessed Almighty!

Onward, Christian soldiers.

Marching as to war.



With the cross of Jesus.

Going on before.

Christ, the royal master.

Leads against the foe.

No more singing.

Hey.

Where are you going with my briefcase?

Give it back right now, and maybe
I don't beat the snot out of you.

Small woman, do you know who I am?

Yeah, you're the creepy skank
who stole our briefcase.

I have other names.

Abaddon. Azrael. The Angel of Death.

What about "Satan's bitch"?

He's your boss, right?

Told you to go on up there
and grab Tulip O'Hare?

Well, you done that part right.

But the part you did really wrong

was walk off with something
meant for his old lady friend.

Madame L'Angelle?

Your boss made a deal,

and I'm guessing he's gonna rip
your pretty little head off

when he hears you screwed up.

I don't like you.

You don't have to.

You just got to brush your teeth
every once in a while

and give me back the god damn briefcase.

I'll be seeing you.

It's not... It's her, not me.

Wait. I can't go to Hell!
I am a servant of God!

Look.

Listen.

I don't know
who this O'Hare chick is, okay?

But I know it ain't her.

TULIP! TULIP!

- Tulip O'Hare!
- It's me, Eugene!

So long, Tulip.

What a great surprise!

Fuck.

They were dead long before they met me.

You have to understand,
everyone that comes here is lost.

They've given up on mortality.
They're seeking something more.

So I show them
the promise of the vampire life

before they learn about the reality,

the torment of our existence.

You're a bloody mental case.

I think you actually believe
your own bollocks, don't you?

Listen to me.

- I've been listening.
- Cassidy...

"I kill people to set them free."
That's mental.

You sound like
you're in a Kevin Spacey movie.

Only, on top of that, it's a bloody lie.

You've been killing all these people
for all these years because you like it.

It gives you power, and it feels good.
So just admit it.

All right.

Cassidy, you have to try it.

The rush. I mean, you would love it.

We'll do it together. My fondest wish.

Ever since the first time we met,
I knew I wanted to do this with you.

They're not drugs, you arsehole.
They're people!

All them hundreds you killed
were people.

Lisa... Jesus Christ,
do you remember Lisa?

- She trusted me.
- They're losers!

Desperate posers just like you said.

And if they want to be like us
and play with death,

fine, let's play.

- I'm going out there.
- No.

I'm going out there,

and I'm gonna tell them
exactly who you are.

I can't let you do that.

I won't let you.

This is what
you've been looking for all along,

someone to accept you and your flaws.

Just accept me and mine.

Please, Cassidy.

We're this close to happiness.

I'd rather be sad.

Go on. Just get it over and done with.

No.

It's going to be worse than that.

Very impressive, Messiah.

Mission accomplished.

Bravo, Messiah.

We did it.

On your knees.

You son of a bitch!

I should make you eat everything
in this god damn room.

Your head looks like a dick.

So I've been told.

Suits you.

Well, Starr, I think we're done.

So if there's nothing else...

Just the apocalypse.

Left on our own,

we'll have to stop
the end of the world his way.

Allfather and the Grail have infiltrated
all the nuclear weapon states.

Their agents wait, poised,

ready to loose
their nuclear arsenals upon the world

once they receive

the signal.

Two thousand years after the Romans
nailed His only begotten son to a cross,

the Grail, protectors of the bloodline,

will roll out Jesus' direct descendant.

Enable missiles.

Number one enabled.

- Two enabled.
- Three enabled.

Go! Go! Go!

And the world will have their chance
to accept him as their saviour

or reject him and face eternal damnation

in the coming apocalypse.

The Grail has already infiltrated
all the nuclear weapon states.

Missiles will fly.

And when the music stops,
the unbelievers will burn.

But the believers will survive

and follow him
to a new paradise on Earth.

That is the worst apocalypse plan
I have ever heard.

I agree. Allfather was a lunatic.

You can't kill everyone.

Just the undesirables.

Hipsters, Presbyterians,
trade unionists,

the Danes.

A few dozen delicately placed,

low-yield fissile devices
ought to do the trick.

With you as Messiah,

we'll have this dung-hole of a planet
buffed back into shape in no time.

You are obviously
as batshit crazy as Allfather was,

so I'm gonna make this
as clear as I can.

For the last time,
I am never gonna be your Messiah.

Okay. Fine.

I'll just go to the backup.

I can't let that happen.

Don't see there's anything
you can do about it,

other than to agree to take his place.

I'll get rid of him.

You won't. I read your file.
You're not a murderer.

Not that kind of murderer anyway.

Be reasonable.

He may be a moron,

but he's the 17th-generation progeny
of Christ himself.

The Grail needs a Messiah.
It's our entire business model!

Stop!

I'm sorry, Starr.
You're gonna need a new business.

I still can't believe it!

Running into you... like this.

Yeah. Crazy.

So you're going to Hell, huh?

Not if I can help it.

I always heard you liked to fight...

and curse... and were...

promiscuous but I guess
I didn't realise things had

gotten so far out of hand.

This is a mistake.
I am not supposed to be going to Hell.

Oh my gosh! Me too!

The only place
I'm supposed to be going is off

this damn bus!

Not surprised.

I drove this hölle express
for many years.

No one ever got off.

Not without help anyway.

We don't want your help.

I wasn't offering it.
I was merely making conversation.

Ok, well maybe we don't want to have
a conversation with you.

It's a free country.

Well silence is golden, so...

Quiet, woman! You'll...

Now look what you've done!

I was telling her! Behave yourself!

How's your back?

My advice to you is, just sit tight.

I don't sit tight.
Sitting tight is not an option.

She saved your ass back there.

Please. I was talking my way
out of there just fine.

And she was on her way to Hell
sooner or later anyway.

Man, you're a bitch.

What are you, a Boy Scout?

So she's gonna eat these? Then what?

Is that a paw or a hoof or a...

Pain in the ass is what it is.

Gonna take a while
to clean out all the what-not.

You got the souls. I'm out.

Herr Starr doesn't do well
for long stretches without me.

Guys! Guys!

We've all got to get out of here
right now before he gets back.

He's a bleeding maniac!

Do you know
what he's done to your mates?

What he's gonna do to all of youse?
Nobody's flying anywhere.

Do you know what? I am gonna bolt.
I'm gonna bolt right now.

Come on. Let's go. Who's coming with me?

Come on. We should all go right now!

Come on! What?

You killed Mr Hoover.

Listen to me.
I didn't kill Mr bloody Hoover.

I stopped him killing Hoover.
He killed Lisa. He killed Deng.

He's killed all the others,
and he's gonna kill you, too,

just so he can flit about
in the bloody sky.

I mean, God knows what else he can do.

Listen. Listen. Eccarius is... What?

He's standing right behind me.

Well, my children,

Cassidy paints quite a vivid portrait.

Who are we gonna believe?

This bitter, destructive lost soul

who we welcomed with open arms?

In return, he brought the Catholics
right to our very doorstep.

Hang on. Hang on a minute.

Or your Lord who loves you,

who has always and will always love you?

He loves you? You're his fix.

Says the junkie who hates you
almost as much as he hates himself.

All right, I did.

I said some harsh words
when I first got here.

- That doesn't... I don't...
- Yes, what exactly

did Cassidy call us when he arrived?

"Idiots."

"Stupid posers."

An example must be made.

None of youse touch me!

There you are, my children.
The true maniac amongst us.

An example must be made.

We're innocent...
and we're escaping together.

That is God's plan...
that is the reason we're here.

I don't know about that, but...

Either of you guys got a dime
or, like, a dime-like thing?

Something like this?

Good, Eugene.

See! God has a plan.

Yeah.

I don't like this.

I think we should just be waiting
for Rick to rescue us.

Who the hell is Rick?

My Reichsmarschall Rick
from Circuit Works.

He and his SS shock troops should be...

He said he was coming.

We're gonna escape down there?

Not exactly.

Give me one of your buttons.

But I earned these.

What about the girl?
Was she with a preacher,

or did she die alone?

She didn't die at all.

Satan told me to grab her
off the street.

What about the rules?

Don't be a Pollyanna.
Your deformity boy isn't dead either.

It's the Wild West, cowboy. God's gone.

There are no rules,

not that the old ones
did your wife and kid any good.

I'm gonna drop these in the drive shaft.

The cuffs will anchor the chain
so it can catch on the flange yoke

where the U-joint
meets the differential.

Once the U-joint jams,

then the crown gear will seize,

and either one or both of the axles
are gonna lock.

You're gonna
hear this big, loud screech,

and the whole back of the bus,
it's gonna start fishtailing.

We might even flip.
But once we're stopped,

we're gonna have long enough
to make a run for it.

That's it.

How do you know all of this stuff?

Foster care.

Brace yourselves.

Ready?

One, two,

three.

Freeze.

Humperdee?

No! Don't do it!
I need a Messiah, Messiah.

Humperdoo.

Humperdoo.

Humperdoo.

Humperdoo.

No!

Custer, you maniac!

Relax.

You don't know what you've done...

Stopped an apocalypse.
Two by the sounds of it.

Not a bad day.

Here's the last
of your "Tom/Brady" cocktail.

Genesis is mine.

So we find ourselves adversaries
once again, Custer.

I've got a date with a mean old lady.

Give her my love.

One more thing.

No more hats.

Stop!

It pains us to do this,

but there's no worse offence
than to betray your own kind.

It's time.

Kevin, the drapes.

That's embarrassing.

Should we move him into the light?

No.

We'll let the sun come to him.

Give me time to collect something.

And give Cassidy

more time to reflect.

I'll make a lasagna.

Here's an idea...

We build a bomb.

Rick should be here by now.

I gave him directions.
Where the hell is he?

Shut up!

Hitler, no one is going to save you!

Right, so um...

We build a bomb...

then we put it up against the window.

And the force of it...

window explodes... we jump out.

Where you going?

Build a bomb.

That bitch is crazy!

Yeah.

She's the best.

Fetching, sir.

Especially like the mutton chops.

I feel duty-bound to inform you
of a significant lifestyle change.

I'm a vampire.

But I assure you,

it will have no impact whatsoever on
my job performance or professionalism.

I think it's on backwards.

No, I was wrong.

Son of a whoring bitch!

So here's the thing.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Be my guest.

Seriously though.

Go ahead.

You wouldn't be the first person
pissed herself on this ride.

Would I be the first to call you
a dumb-ass leather skank?

You'd be the first and the last.

What?

Yeah, you better look away.

I ain't scared of him.

Not any more.

Not since a preacher I know
pretty much beat his sorry ass.

No wonder they made you
errand boy after that mess.

I'm no one's errand boy.

Bus ride babysitting?

Sounds like errand-boy shit to me.

I'm surprised they didn't just make him
Satan's ass-wiper.

Whatever she did...

Mr Saint... I'm sure she is very sorry.

He's right.

I...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you
an errand boy.

I should've called you an errand bitch.

Did it work?

You built a bomb.

Sun...

They want to be vampires
and change the world,

but try getting them
to pick up after themselves...

Could I trouble you for a beverage?

I got an awful throat on me here.

Energy drink?

Oh, yeah. Go on.
I could do with a caffeine bump.

I've been napping
through me own crucifixion.

Thank you.

Mr Cassidy. Handsome and funny,
and they all look up to you.

Too bad you turned out
to be such a rotten piece of shit.

Christ, you can never be
too sure about people, huh?

And now here you nailed
to a pool table with tent stakes.

It's just so disheartening, Mr Cassidy.

I feel the same.

Well, hopefully, you'll burn quick.

Although I doubt it
with all these soda spills.

Mrs Rosen?

You've been very kind to me, you know?

Like me dear old Granny B used to be.

God rest her soul.

Can I be greedy and ask
for one small act of kindness?

I won't let you go, Mr Cassidy.

No, no, no, of course not.

Just one last request
for a vampire condemned.

You know the flown children?

You have all their numbers, right?

Right? Lisa, she's in Poland.

You just call her up.

Tell her I'm sorry. All right?

Okay so, we're going
about 40 miles per hour,

but there's a grass shoulder,
so when we break the window,

we're gonna go out feet first.

You've got to jump as far away
from the side of the bus as possible

so you don't get run over.

Stabbed in the back again,
just like 1918.

When you're in the air,

you're gonna tuck your body

like you're doing a cannonball
into a swimming pool.

Do not break your fall
with your arms, okay?

Once you feel the ground,
you're gonna roll, roll...

Get out of my way!

Auf Wiedersehen, suckers!

I was having the most wonderful dream.

That's nice.

Jody's not back yet,

and there's no word from Lil' Jesse.

Jesse will be here.

He'll come back.

He gave me his word.

And you believe him, Miss Marie?

Well, of course, I do.
He's coming to kill me.

Thanks, fellows.

Back to work.