Preacher (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Pig - full transcript
Tulip confronts her near-death experience. Denis asks Cassidy for a major favor. Jesse questions the price of saving Cassidy and Tulip.
herr starr:
Shit.
Ow!
This one's for you,
Charlie.
Oh, crap!
time is running out!
It won't be long now!
Y'all can try to ignore it.
But it's gonna be hard to ignore
when your face is on fire!
It's all about to be over.
Over!
Over!
Look for the signs,
you sorry sonsabitches.
'Cause shit
is about to get real!
No god.
No men in white suits.
No nothin'.
Maybe I was wrong
about this place.
Maybe it was
a bad idea.
No. New Orleans is never
a bad idea, all right.
Look, there's more
to the city
than bloody jazz
and almost getting killed.
I think we should just take
a break, have some fun. Yeah?
I know denis knows what
I'm talking about, isn't
that right, denis?
What do you think?
Me?
I-I'm up for whatever.
I know just the place.
crowd: Ten, nine, eight...
Seven, six, five, four...
Three, two, boom.
Yeah!
Tulip: Hold up. Hold up.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
All's you got to do...
Is get shot and stand up?!
Heck, my boyfriend
will do that!
What? Wh-- uh, no. I-I'm not
sure I want to do that.
Oh, come on!
It's like a what?
Like a bee sting, right?
Yeah.
Like a bee sting.
Jesse: Excuse me.
Hold on now. Hold on.
What do you think the good lord
would say about this?
I think he'd say,
"go back to your choir boys
and mind your own business,
preacher."
Listen to your hearts,
men.
Ask yourselves,
"is this really
the right thing to do?"
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize
this was ladies' night!
Now, I got
a bunch of money.
You got
a bunch of guns.
So why don't y'all stop
being a bunch of bitches
and shoot my boyfriend.
What's your pleasure?
Ooh.
Um...
The big ones pay more,
right?
Okay.
So, in that case...
Why not choose
the biggest one?
The biggest?
If you have
such a love for money
and so little love
for life,
why not pick
the biggest one they got?
Or maybe it's ladies' night,
after all.
I think
one of the smaller...
All right.
Biggest one it is.
You got it.
oh, dear god.
you got this.
Okay?
Remember,
just hold your breath.
And I love you.
I love you, too.
Uh...
All right, gentle--
Sweetie?
Sweetie? Honey?
He's gone.
What?
No-o-o-o-o-o!
Someone call the police.
You're all witnesses.
I call upon
your Christian sense of decency
to stand up
and give your account.
here.
You okay?
Are you kidding me?
Open bar.
Reporter:
In new footage from the
nghe an province of Vietnam,
we're witnessing what some are
referring to as a miracle
and what others are dismissing
as a simple hoax.
home.
I am having fun.
Yeah. That kiss with cass
looked pretty fun.
Very convincing.
Yeah.
Come on.
You'll sleep tonight.
I don't want to sleep,
Jesse.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
What is your problem?
Ever since the Saint --
what's your problem,
huh?
Let's go.
Let's just go yourself.
You can't just...
You can't just...
...repeat everything...
...Repeat everything...
...i say.
...I say.
That's not a comeback.
He's gone, right?
you sent him
back to hell?
he's gone.
come on.
Let's go home.
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?
The night's
still young!
We haven't even drank
the armagnac yet!
Bollocks.
Sorry about that, Dennis.
Go on. You were saying...
yeah.
I'm happy, too.
All right?
Excuse me.
I couldn't help overhearing.
This man has been trying to
tell you that he's very unhappy.
Yeah? And what the hell
would you know about it?
I'm a French professor
from tulane.
Oh, right.
Would you, uh --
would you mind, professor?
Well, he --
and my condolences --
says that he is dying.
What?
Congestive, uh,
heart disease.
He's been telling you
that...
You've been an awful, uh,
selfish, absent father.
Uh, he keeps repeating
that there's something
you can do, though,
that would make it
all up to him.
Yeah? W-what is it?
I-I'll do anything.
He says that he wants
to live forever.
and he thinks
that you can help him do that.
What?!
No. No. No!
No. Absolutely --
absolutely not.
Do you hear me?
No.
he said then, um,
he will die hating you.
Yeah.
Most people do.
Meanwhile,
media specialists speculate
that this may be simply
a viral marketing ploy,
publicizing
an as-yet-unrevealed film
or perhaps a weight-loss drug.
Yes, it's serious.
They're praying
to a pig.
This will require
resources.
Prep
the invalid scientist.
Mm!
Mnh. No, no.
I expect we'll need
an extra 30 operatives,
all fully equipped with,
uh...
second thought,
never mind.
I have the situation
under control.
you missed a spot.
I-i-i-I'm so sorry.
Don't worry, little boy.
I was young
and careless...
Once.
Klaus Helmut starr.
Born --
Hamburg, Germany.
Only child of parents
killed in a plane crash.
Orphaned at age 4.
Currently
lieutenant-colonel of
Germany's gsg 9
elite anti-terrorism unit,
where your exploits were...
Numerous.
How was your flight?
I hope you found the hotel
accommodating.
I was told
there'd be women.
Women?
A high-end brothel staffed
entirely by Ukrainian runaways.
There will be women...In time,
if that's your desire.
But it's my impression,
herr starr,
that what
you really want is...
"To sweep the streets clean
of the parasites
that befoul our society
and create a civilization
based on the principles
of absolute order
and uncompromising discipline."
Your words, I believe.
What if I told you
that our organization feels
exactly the same way you do?
Like a 10-inch dick,
I'd need to see it
to believe it.
And maybe you shall.
Tell me...
...are you Christian,
herr starr?
Does it
make a difference?
This is just
the first step
in our organization's
rigorous screening process.
Only the most deserving --
and, yes, pious --
candidates
will be considered.
then I am very much...
A Christian.
He's one of mine.
Torrent downloaded from RARBG
Shit. Shit!
Shit. Shit.
time's up.
man: "Hear me!
And tremble
and know the signs
of the world to come!
Look for the changes,
for things impossible.
The dying land,
the falling sky,
the beasts of the field
thrown into confusion."
Hey.
How'd you sleep?
I dreamt about him
again.
"...and look for the wicked
to know my wrath!"
And Cassidy's
fingers...
Falling like French fries
on TV.
I'm sorry.
You were late.
You almost
didn't make it.
I know. I --
i mean, if it hadn't been
for Cassidy...
I had my hands pretty full
myself.
I got back, I stopped him,
that's it.
Can't you feel it,
Jesse?
Hmm?
That -- that "something's
not right" feeling?
No, I can't.
I don't know what
to tell you, tulip.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go talk to a man
about the end of the world.
You want to come?
'Course you don't.
Where's Cassidy?
I don't know.
Cassidy: Hello?
Hello!
Oh, bollocks.
Not again.
Saltonstall:
Today...
You will compete
in a series of trials
designed to
test your abilities.
You have all been selected
because you are,
simply put,
the best.
The strongest. The smartest.
The most able.
And yet, only one of you
will prove worthy enough
to join our ranks.
But before we begin, are there
any questions?
Do you validate parking?
No, we do not.
?12 an hour, and you
don't validate?
It's standard policy.
Then it should have been clearly
stated as such beforehand
so that I may have found
street parking,
or -- more likely, given the
failure of this organization
to in any way convenience me --
not come at all.
Validate his car.
But starr,
from here on out,
we do the testing.
we've come a long way when it
comes to weapons of warfare.
But sometimes,
there is no substitution
for hand-to-hand violence.
starr. You're up.
I want everyone to know that
what is about to transpire,
what the hell
are you doing?!
What does it look like?
I'm self-consummating.
Ugh.
Saltonstall:
Very good.
Please, take note
that a distraction,
no matter how unseemly,
can very often be the thing that
turns the tide in your favor.
since the days
of Cleopatra,
sexuality has been a weapon
deployed to gain leverage.
This is
the art of seduction.
I know we come from
different sides.
But I think --
no, I know --
we can put all that
behind us.
We can make something
beautiful and new.
All you have to do...
Is meet me at the train station
with the microfiche.
And...Time.
Whew. Um...
Anyone know where I can get
a copy of that microfiche?
Saltonstall: Yes.
Very good indeed. Starr?
And...Go.
I told you already,
Mr. Peterson,
the answer is "no."
I shouldn't even be
meeting you right now.
Give me the microfiche,
you bitch,
or I'll kill you
and your family.
One last opportunity to
prove your worth.
good luck.
welcome
to the grail.
"The grail"?
Please, herr starr,
have a seat.
For over 2,000 years,
this organization has been at
the very heart of world affairs.
What do you think is the source
of our enduring power?
I would imagine a combination
of economic influence
and sexual blackmail.
Some, of course.
But the true inspiration
of our authority is...
Hmm.
You seem disappointed.
I was hoping for something more
in the vein of atomic warfare,
not myths and legends.
This is no myth.
Christ lives on.
Yes, yes, he lives
in our hearts.
No, herr starr.
Christ lives in
a top-secret location
guarded by machine guns.
does he?
Yes.
You see, before he sacrificed
himself for our sins,
our lord gave a final gift
to humanity --
he fathered a child.
For generations, the grail has
protected this holy lineage
in preparation
for one event --
the end of the world.
Only god knows exactly when,
but it will be soon.
We have been assured from
sources at the highest levels.
And the grail
will be ready.
and at the exact moment that
hope is abandoned,
our savior will reveal himself
to the frightened masses.
ingenious.
The world on its knees,
begging for direction like
the ugly girl at a gang bang.
Your uniform.
some of the men find it
a bit...
Flamboyant.
it's...
Spectacular.
may I ask, what would be
my specific role in all this?
The Samson unit of the grail
handles the false prophets,
contenders to
Christ's throne.
Our job is to rid the world
of their competing narratives.
Charlemagne. Lincoln.
Belushi.
You name it.
You...
Will be
my right-hand man.
The grail killed
Abraham Lincoln?
Mm.
Yes, we did.
And why did
we do that?
He preserved the union,
won the war, sense of humor.
His polling was probably
through the roof.
Something tells me you're going
to do great things here,
herr starr.
Thank you for
this opportunity.
man: Blood, people!
Blood and brains
and people screaming
until their lungs hurt.
That's how bad
it's gonna be!
That is what's coming!
So...Watch your asses.
I'm taking five.
Don't forget the beer bucket.
Ah, father!
I noticed you
standing there.
Always good to see
a fellow soldier for the lord.
Question for you?
Hit me.
Are you crazy
or just a con man?
And those are
my only two choices?
'Cause I normally
describe myself as
a "left-handed alcoholic
sinner child of god."
I didn't mean to
insult you.
It's just, I've been wondering
about the end of the world.
Well...
Buy me a beer.
We'll wonder together.
Sorry again
about the confusion.
Ever since the carts started
operating in tandem,
you'd be surprised
how much this happens.
Mm.
I'm used to it.
Alcohol and a lack of vital
signs'll do it to ya every time.
Aw.
Poor people.
I'd rather be them
than him.
yeah.
Ten, nine, eight, seven...
Six, five, fo--
I'm real sorry about
your boyfriend, ma'am.
Terrible loss.
Y'all should
be sorry.
We robbed you assholes
blind.
That wasn't my boyfriend.
And he wasn't dead.
We came in here, played y'all
for the idiots y'all are...
Took your money,
and drank your beer.
So put your goddamn hats
back on.
And tell me which one of you
banjo-diddling little bitches
has got the balls to
earn your money back.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four --
again.
So.
The world's ending, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Why?
What makes you say that?
Common sense.
Science.
The world's been ending
since it started.
That's not an answer.
What's the question?
What are you looking for?
Proof?
Well, that's what you're
advertising here, right?
"Signs of the apocalypse"
and all that?
Ah...
That's mostly
just metaphor.
I hear things.
I see things.
People come up to me, they say
all sorts of crazy stuff.
And there has been an uptick
ever since tom cruise exploded,
no question.
the cubs winning...
...trump, this --
this flying pig.
That's real wrath
of god stuff, right?
But sooner or later,
there's always an explanation --
strong pitching,
kgb interference, whatever.
In the end, there's always
a good reason.
So you're just out here
scaring people? For money?
They're already scared.
They come listen to me talk
about the end of the world
so they can worry about that
instead of
what really
scares them.
Which is what?
themselves.
What is more frightening than
who we are and what we done?
Well, I have got car payments
and a drinking problem,
so I should probably
get back to it.
Hey.
You hear about this whole
fractional "soul-selling" thing?
The Japanese, sure.
This parishioner came to me
about it.
He's thinking about selling
a small amount of his, you know.
And, of course, I said,
"no way."
But this guy was in quite
a tough situation.
Friends were in trouble,
needed help.
Hmm.
So by selling off
this small part of his soul --
and I mean, tiny,
like one percent --
I thought...
Maybe it was
a sacrifice worth making.
You know?
I would tell
your parishioner
that if he wants to
help his friends,
he should
give a kidney.
and if you're looking for
signs of the apocalypse,
I would start with men
selling off their souls.
the situation
has been handled.
Where to next?
Man:
New Orleans, sir.
And the target?
Uh, a preacher.
"Jesse custer."
I'm on my way.
man:
The water was highly toxic.
Reporter: I'm sorry, but would
you mind explaining it again?
The water
killed the whole village.
Made the pig float.
The water
made the pig float?
How could contaminated water
produce
such an unusual effect?
It was saturated
with hydrogen atoms.
Permeated
the pig's tissue.
Resulted in
limited levitation.
Like a meat balloon.
"Meat balloon"?
Meat balloon.
-It just seems so incredible.
-Remind me --
are you a scientist?
No.
Well, then
shut up.
Shit.
Ow!
This one's for you,
Charlie.
Oh, crap!
time is running out!
It won't be long now!
Y'all can try to ignore it.
But it's gonna be hard to ignore
when your face is on fire!
It's all about to be over.
Over!
Over!
Look for the signs,
you sorry sonsabitches.
'Cause shit
is about to get real!
No god.
No men in white suits.
No nothin'.
Maybe I was wrong
about this place.
Maybe it was
a bad idea.
No. New Orleans is never
a bad idea, all right.
Look, there's more
to the city
than bloody jazz
and almost getting killed.
I think we should just take
a break, have some fun. Yeah?
I know denis knows what
I'm talking about, isn't
that right, denis?
What do you think?
Me?
I-I'm up for whatever.
I know just the place.
crowd: Ten, nine, eight...
Seven, six, five, four...
Three, two, boom.
Yeah!
Tulip: Hold up. Hold up.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
All's you got to do...
Is get shot and stand up?!
Heck, my boyfriend
will do that!
What? Wh-- uh, no. I-I'm not
sure I want to do that.
Oh, come on!
It's like a what?
Like a bee sting, right?
Yeah.
Like a bee sting.
Jesse: Excuse me.
Hold on now. Hold on.
What do you think the good lord
would say about this?
I think he'd say,
"go back to your choir boys
and mind your own business,
preacher."
Listen to your hearts,
men.
Ask yourselves,
"is this really
the right thing to do?"
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize
this was ladies' night!
Now, I got
a bunch of money.
You got
a bunch of guns.
So why don't y'all stop
being a bunch of bitches
and shoot my boyfriend.
What's your pleasure?
Ooh.
Um...
The big ones pay more,
right?
Okay.
So, in that case...
Why not choose
the biggest one?
The biggest?
If you have
such a love for money
and so little love
for life,
why not pick
the biggest one they got?
Or maybe it's ladies' night,
after all.
I think
one of the smaller...
All right.
Biggest one it is.
You got it.
oh, dear god.
you got this.
Okay?
Remember,
just hold your breath.
And I love you.
I love you, too.
Uh...
All right, gentle--
Sweetie?
Sweetie? Honey?
He's gone.
What?
No-o-o-o-o-o!
Someone call the police.
You're all witnesses.
I call upon
your Christian sense of decency
to stand up
and give your account.
here.
You okay?
Are you kidding me?
Open bar.
Reporter:
In new footage from the
nghe an province of Vietnam,
we're witnessing what some are
referring to as a miracle
and what others are dismissing
as a simple hoax.
home.
I am having fun.
Yeah. That kiss with cass
looked pretty fun.
Very convincing.
Yeah.
Come on.
You'll sleep tonight.
I don't want to sleep,
Jesse.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
What is your problem?
Ever since the Saint --
what's your problem,
huh?
Let's go.
Let's just go yourself.
You can't just...
You can't just...
...repeat everything...
...Repeat everything...
...i say.
...I say.
That's not a comeback.
He's gone, right?
you sent him
back to hell?
he's gone.
come on.
Let's go home.
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?
The night's
still young!
We haven't even drank
the armagnac yet!
Bollocks.
Sorry about that, Dennis.
Go on. You were saying...
yeah.
I'm happy, too.
All right?
Excuse me.
I couldn't help overhearing.
This man has been trying to
tell you that he's very unhappy.
Yeah? And what the hell
would you know about it?
I'm a French professor
from tulane.
Oh, right.
Would you, uh --
would you mind, professor?
Well, he --
and my condolences --
says that he is dying.
What?
Congestive, uh,
heart disease.
He's been telling you
that...
You've been an awful, uh,
selfish, absent father.
Uh, he keeps repeating
that there's something
you can do, though,
that would make it
all up to him.
Yeah? W-what is it?
I-I'll do anything.
He says that he wants
to live forever.
and he thinks
that you can help him do that.
What?!
No. No. No!
No. Absolutely --
absolutely not.
Do you hear me?
No.
he said then, um,
he will die hating you.
Yeah.
Most people do.
Meanwhile,
media specialists speculate
that this may be simply
a viral marketing ploy,
publicizing
an as-yet-unrevealed film
or perhaps a weight-loss drug.
Yes, it's serious.
They're praying
to a pig.
This will require
resources.
Prep
the invalid scientist.
Mm!
Mnh. No, no.
I expect we'll need
an extra 30 operatives,
all fully equipped with,
uh...
second thought,
never mind.
I have the situation
under control.
you missed a spot.
I-i-i-I'm so sorry.
Don't worry, little boy.
I was young
and careless...
Once.
Klaus Helmut starr.
Born --
Hamburg, Germany.
Only child of parents
killed in a plane crash.
Orphaned at age 4.
Currently
lieutenant-colonel of
Germany's gsg 9
elite anti-terrorism unit,
where your exploits were...
Numerous.
How was your flight?
I hope you found the hotel
accommodating.
I was told
there'd be women.
Women?
A high-end brothel staffed
entirely by Ukrainian runaways.
There will be women...In time,
if that's your desire.
But it's my impression,
herr starr,
that what
you really want is...
"To sweep the streets clean
of the parasites
that befoul our society
and create a civilization
based on the principles
of absolute order
and uncompromising discipline."
Your words, I believe.
What if I told you
that our organization feels
exactly the same way you do?
Like a 10-inch dick,
I'd need to see it
to believe it.
And maybe you shall.
Tell me...
...are you Christian,
herr starr?
Does it
make a difference?
This is just
the first step
in our organization's
rigorous screening process.
Only the most deserving --
and, yes, pious --
candidates
will be considered.
then I am very much...
A Christian.
He's one of mine.
Torrent downloaded from RARBG
Shit. Shit!
Shit. Shit.
time's up.
man: "Hear me!
And tremble
and know the signs
of the world to come!
Look for the changes,
for things impossible.
The dying land,
the falling sky,
the beasts of the field
thrown into confusion."
Hey.
How'd you sleep?
I dreamt about him
again.
"...and look for the wicked
to know my wrath!"
And Cassidy's
fingers...
Falling like French fries
on TV.
I'm sorry.
You were late.
You almost
didn't make it.
I know. I --
i mean, if it hadn't been
for Cassidy...
I had my hands pretty full
myself.
I got back, I stopped him,
that's it.
Can't you feel it,
Jesse?
Hmm?
That -- that "something's
not right" feeling?
No, I can't.
I don't know what
to tell you, tulip.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go talk to a man
about the end of the world.
You want to come?
'Course you don't.
Where's Cassidy?
I don't know.
Cassidy: Hello?
Hello!
Oh, bollocks.
Not again.
Saltonstall:
Today...
You will compete
in a series of trials
designed to
test your abilities.
You have all been selected
because you are,
simply put,
the best.
The strongest. The smartest.
The most able.
And yet, only one of you
will prove worthy enough
to join our ranks.
But before we begin, are there
any questions?
Do you validate parking?
No, we do not.
?12 an hour, and you
don't validate?
It's standard policy.
Then it should have been clearly
stated as such beforehand
so that I may have found
street parking,
or -- more likely, given the
failure of this organization
to in any way convenience me --
not come at all.
Validate his car.
But starr,
from here on out,
we do the testing.
we've come a long way when it
comes to weapons of warfare.
But sometimes,
there is no substitution
for hand-to-hand violence.
starr. You're up.
I want everyone to know that
what is about to transpire,
what the hell
are you doing?!
What does it look like?
I'm self-consummating.
Ugh.
Saltonstall:
Very good.
Please, take note
that a distraction,
no matter how unseemly,
can very often be the thing that
turns the tide in your favor.
since the days
of Cleopatra,
sexuality has been a weapon
deployed to gain leverage.
This is
the art of seduction.
I know we come from
different sides.
But I think --
no, I know --
we can put all that
behind us.
We can make something
beautiful and new.
All you have to do...
Is meet me at the train station
with the microfiche.
And...Time.
Whew. Um...
Anyone know where I can get
a copy of that microfiche?
Saltonstall: Yes.
Very good indeed. Starr?
And...Go.
I told you already,
Mr. Peterson,
the answer is "no."
I shouldn't even be
meeting you right now.
Give me the microfiche,
you bitch,
or I'll kill you
and your family.
One last opportunity to
prove your worth.
good luck.
welcome
to the grail.
"The grail"?
Please, herr starr,
have a seat.
For over 2,000 years,
this organization has been at
the very heart of world affairs.
What do you think is the source
of our enduring power?
I would imagine a combination
of economic influence
and sexual blackmail.
Some, of course.
But the true inspiration
of our authority is...
Hmm.
You seem disappointed.
I was hoping for something more
in the vein of atomic warfare,
not myths and legends.
This is no myth.
Christ lives on.
Yes, yes, he lives
in our hearts.
No, herr starr.
Christ lives in
a top-secret location
guarded by machine guns.
does he?
Yes.
You see, before he sacrificed
himself for our sins,
our lord gave a final gift
to humanity --
he fathered a child.
For generations, the grail has
protected this holy lineage
in preparation
for one event --
the end of the world.
Only god knows exactly when,
but it will be soon.
We have been assured from
sources at the highest levels.
And the grail
will be ready.
and at the exact moment that
hope is abandoned,
our savior will reveal himself
to the frightened masses.
ingenious.
The world on its knees,
begging for direction like
the ugly girl at a gang bang.
Your uniform.
some of the men find it
a bit...
Flamboyant.
it's...
Spectacular.
may I ask, what would be
my specific role in all this?
The Samson unit of the grail
handles the false prophets,
contenders to
Christ's throne.
Our job is to rid the world
of their competing narratives.
Charlemagne. Lincoln.
Belushi.
You name it.
You...
Will be
my right-hand man.
The grail killed
Abraham Lincoln?
Mm.
Yes, we did.
And why did
we do that?
He preserved the union,
won the war, sense of humor.
His polling was probably
through the roof.
Something tells me you're going
to do great things here,
herr starr.
Thank you for
this opportunity.
man: Blood, people!
Blood and brains
and people screaming
until their lungs hurt.
That's how bad
it's gonna be!
That is what's coming!
So...Watch your asses.
I'm taking five.
Don't forget the beer bucket.
Ah, father!
I noticed you
standing there.
Always good to see
a fellow soldier for the lord.
Question for you?
Hit me.
Are you crazy
or just a con man?
And those are
my only two choices?
'Cause I normally
describe myself as
a "left-handed alcoholic
sinner child of god."
I didn't mean to
insult you.
It's just, I've been wondering
about the end of the world.
Well...
Buy me a beer.
We'll wonder together.
Sorry again
about the confusion.
Ever since the carts started
operating in tandem,
you'd be surprised
how much this happens.
Mm.
I'm used to it.
Alcohol and a lack of vital
signs'll do it to ya every time.
Aw.
Poor people.
I'd rather be them
than him.
yeah.
Ten, nine, eight, seven...
Six, five, fo--
I'm real sorry about
your boyfriend, ma'am.
Terrible loss.
Y'all should
be sorry.
We robbed you assholes
blind.
That wasn't my boyfriend.
And he wasn't dead.
We came in here, played y'all
for the idiots y'all are...
Took your money,
and drank your beer.
So put your goddamn hats
back on.
And tell me which one of you
banjo-diddling little bitches
has got the balls to
earn your money back.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four --
again.
So.
The world's ending, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Why?
What makes you say that?
Common sense.
Science.
The world's been ending
since it started.
That's not an answer.
What's the question?
What are you looking for?
Proof?
Well, that's what you're
advertising here, right?
"Signs of the apocalypse"
and all that?
Ah...
That's mostly
just metaphor.
I hear things.
I see things.
People come up to me, they say
all sorts of crazy stuff.
And there has been an uptick
ever since tom cruise exploded,
no question.
the cubs winning...
...trump, this --
this flying pig.
That's real wrath
of god stuff, right?
But sooner or later,
there's always an explanation --
strong pitching,
kgb interference, whatever.
In the end, there's always
a good reason.
So you're just out here
scaring people? For money?
They're already scared.
They come listen to me talk
about the end of the world
so they can worry about that
instead of
what really
scares them.
Which is what?
themselves.
What is more frightening than
who we are and what we done?
Well, I have got car payments
and a drinking problem,
so I should probably
get back to it.
Hey.
You hear about this whole
fractional "soul-selling" thing?
The Japanese, sure.
This parishioner came to me
about it.
He's thinking about selling
a small amount of his, you know.
And, of course, I said,
"no way."
But this guy was in quite
a tough situation.
Friends were in trouble,
needed help.
Hmm.
So by selling off
this small part of his soul --
and I mean, tiny,
like one percent --
I thought...
Maybe it was
a sacrifice worth making.
You know?
I would tell
your parishioner
that if he wants to
help his friends,
he should
give a kidney.
and if you're looking for
signs of the apocalypse,
I would start with men
selling off their souls.
the situation
has been handled.
Where to next?
Man:
New Orleans, sir.
And the target?
Uh, a preacher.
"Jesse custer."
I'm on my way.
man:
The water was highly toxic.
Reporter: I'm sorry, but would
you mind explaining it again?
The water
killed the whole village.
Made the pig float.
The water
made the pig float?
How could contaminated water
produce
such an unusual effect?
It was saturated
with hydrogen atoms.
Permeated
the pig's tissue.
Resulted in
limited levitation.
Like a meat balloon.
"Meat balloon"?
Meat balloon.
-It just seems so incredible.
-Remind me --
are you a scientist?
No.
Well, then
shut up.