Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 8, Episode 8 - Peter Follows P!nk - full transcript

- Hi.
- Hi, uh, ID, please.
- Yes, so,
I was wondering if
there's some way
I can get on an earlier flight
today.
- Sure. Hold on.
[keys clacking loudly]
I know it looks like I'm
searching earlier flight times
or cross-referencing
incoming data.
I'm actually working
on my novel.
"The wooden gate closed."
All right, nothing right now.
Uh, do you have any bags
to check?
- I have just one bag.
- Okay.
I'm working on a novel about
my grandmother's childhood.
She grew up on a corn farm.
- Here at Oregon Air,
we're proud to present
our Writers in Residency
program.
It's a writing retreat
for those who don't want
open-ended time.
- It only takes me one second
to find another booking,
but he doesn't know that.
- Excuse me?
- Uh, found another flight
for...
$2500.
- $2500?
- Uh, yeah. Let me see if
I can find something cheaper.
- Yes, I'd appreciate that.
- While most writing retreats
offer natural beauty
and freedom from worry,
here at Oregon Air,
we offer access to a loud,
springy keyboard
and an agitated, bustling
environment.
- Will you do me a favor,
please?
Uh, will you put me on
another airline?
- Uh, I'd love to try.
- Hi, I'm Cheryl Strayed,
bestselling author
from Portland.
After a traveler was
so disappointed
in my customer service
that she threatened to walk
the whole way,
I thought, "Wow,
that would be a great book,"
so I wrote "Wild."
Thank you, Oregon Air.
[spacey rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hon, you want a refill?
Peter, you want
some more coffee?
- Sure.
- Great.
You know, I saw something
very interesting
on the Internet.
- I know.
- A woman found
a cardboard box...
- Good for her.
- Well, it was full
of puppies, Peter.
Someone had abandoned puppies.
- Uh-huh.
Then what?
- Well, nothing.
That's-that's the end of
the story.
What are you--what are
you looking at over there?
- This? It's P!nk.
You know, her profile.
- P!nk, the pop singer?
- Yeah, some little photos.
- Oh.
I thought we only
followed each other.
- We do, except for--
for P!nk.
- Right, so what's your
favorite P!nk song?
I-I didn't know
you were such a fan.
- Well, I-I don't like--
her songs don't matter
as much
as her whole attitude.
- Uh-huh.
What's her attitude?
- Just... positive.
- Okay, well...
I didn't realize
you were such a big fan,
but you know what?
I don't want to get
in the way of a new friendship.
I would never do that,
and I'm really happy
that you have a new friend.
- Yeah.
I love you too.
[eerie music]
[gasps]
- Peter?
Peter, what's wrong?
- P!nk is really sad.
She misses her family,
and-and she's on tour, and...
oh, she's just far away.
- Peter, there are
bigger tragedies in the world.
- What's on your mouth?
- Oh, it's probably
just some toothpaste.
- Yeah, it's-it's pretty messy.
- Oh, okay.
[minor piano music]
- [gasps]
- Oh, my goodness.
What is it?
- Oh, it's the same picture.
[unsettling music]
- All right, here you go.
- [sighs]
- What, I didn't make the eggs
the way you like them?
- You don't think
we have any, uh,
like, homemade pickles, do you?
Just, like, uh, some pickles?
- Oh, mm, I don't think so.
Why?
- P!nk does these
homemade pickles in jars.
She gives them out as gifts,
so I thought it might look nice
if we had some--
something green
you can--just
in--in the jar.
I'll find out how we do that.
That'd be kind of cool.
[knocking sound]
♪ ♪
That is pretty straight.
Somebody's a handyman
around here, huh?
- Why do we have a picture
of P!nk on our wall?
- Oh, heh, I just like
the composition.
- Does her jacket say "bitch"?
- ♪ Bad girl ♪
- Eh, no.
It's an inside joke.
You don't understand.
They all goof around.
Oh, and look at this.
This place is really turning
into a living room.
- Peter, that's the same photo.
- No, it's not!
It's much smaller.
Look how cool that is.
You see, it's not just dyed.
It's greased back on the sides,
so it's almost like
two different haircuts
♪ ♪
- Don't you know
that I'm a bad girl ♪
- She's got a nail in her ear.
Pretty scary.
[rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Welcome home!
You're back
just in time for your birthday.
- Oh, yeah,
I guess you're right.
- Hey, so...
- Yeah?
- Um, I was thinking about
how much music
has shaped your life.
- Mm-hm.
- So I wanted to get you
a birthday present...
- Okay.
- That captures your love
of music.
- I hope you didn't
do anything crazy,
like get me a fancy guitar,
'cause I do not need that.
- Okay, so follow me
into the house.
- Okay.
- Welcome to your new home.
- What?
[dramatic music]
- Hold on a second.
I think you might
need a backstage pass
to get in here.
Let me check it out.
All right, you're good.
Come on.
- [laughs]
Seriously,
what did you do
with our real furniture?
Like, our nice
mid-century furniture?
- Well, I gave some of it
to your sister
and then I put the rest out
on the lawn
with a sign that says "free."
- That stuff was expensive.
- Yeah, it went so fast.
They loved it.
- What is that thing?
- Do you like it?
- What is it?
- That's a woman
playing guitar.
- How can you tell
that's a woman?
- Well, 'cause she's singing
a sad song about her own life.
You guys look identical.
- Come on.
- Go stand next to it.
- Identical?
- You know, when your hair
is forward
and your mouth is like...
and you're playing guitar.
- That's not how I look
when I play guitar
or when I just stand around.
- Look, here,
shake it a little bit.
- Shake what?
- Shake the--
shake that sculpture.
Look at you rocking out.
Look at the shoes.
You have flat shoes.
And how your right foot
comes up.
And you're stomping.
- There's nothing about this
that looks like me.
- Look, that is your guitar.
- Why is it still moving?
- It goes on for ages.
Who is your favorite
female musician or singer?
- Uh, Patti Smith.
- Okay, someone else.
- Um, Nina Simone.
- N-no.
- Uh, Cindy Wilson
from the B-52s.
- Okay, not in your top ten.
- [sighs] I-I give up.
- Okay, ready?
Turn around.
- Chrissie Hynde.
- Chrissie Hynde.
- It's so big.
Is it...
Is it permanent?
- Yeah, it's permanent,
like a rock tattoo.
- Why does it say
"of The Pretenders"?
- Chrissie Hynde
is of The Pretenders.
She's in the band.
- I know.
- You know that, right?
Do you not know that?
- I do know that.
- Carrie, how about
your own roadie
that we have in the house?
This is Kurt.
Where is he?
- Hey.
- He's gonna open that for you.
There you go.
You got a set list for her?
- Set list.
Got, uh, 15 minutes a show.
- Are you being paid?
- Yeah, a lot.
- Yeah, and you're paying him.
- Thanks.
- Here is the finale
of it all.
You ready?
- Not really, but...
- Here we go.
- Ugh.
- Look at that.
This is a venue bathroom,
so there's graffiti...
I kind of put some toilet paper
all over the place--
or we did, just to make it,
you know, have that feeling.
- All right, I gotta
take a dump.
Carrie, guitar.
- We'll give you some privacy.
- Thanks.
[rock music]
- What's that?
- Oh, I didn't tell you.
That's our new doorbell.
Ooh, that must be
the pyrotechnics guy.
[firework whistling]
[bicycle bell rings]
[easygoing music]
- ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
- Ah.
Rode my bike to work today.
- James, do you have the, uh--
the rollout schedule?
- Oh...
I need a minute.
[exhales deeply]
I biked to work today.
- That's great.
- [sighs loudly]
- Uh--
- [sighs loudly]
Is the heat on in here?
- I don't think so.
So, yeah, do you--
do you have that schedule?
- I need a minute.
- I'm gonna go ask Chet.
- It is so hot.
- That's great.
- Tom, I biked to work today.
[bicycle bell rings]
[laughs]
[bicycle bell rings]
Oh, maka-baka.
- Cooperation between
the retail outlets...
- [exhales loudly]
- And the manufacturing plants
I think really can--
- Oh, we're out of water.
Can you walk him
through this, please?
Thank you.
♪ ♪
- This is sweat, right?
- I guess.
- Didn't you also
bike to work today?
- Yeah.
- [sighs]
♪ ♪
Hey, there's cupcakes
over in the...
[somber rock music]
♪ ♪
[loud squelching]
[people whispering]
♪ ♪
[distorted]
- I'm sorry, excuse me.
[normally]
Hey.
Hi.
Yeah, uh,
do you mind giving me
a hand in here?
I'm really desperate.
- Sure, I-I can help.
- I-I've been licking stamps
all day long,
and I am dry.
The mailman comes
at 5:00,
and if these aren't ready,
I'm fired.
I really could use
your moisture.
[optimistic music]
- Like my sweat?
- Yeah.
[loud dripping]
- Sure.
[upbeat music]
I rode my bike to work today.
- Yeah, I can tell.
- It's, like,
a pretty good route.
It's only, like, 40 minutes.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- So you're pretty healthy,
huh?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
[energetic rock music]
♪ ♪
[tranquil music]
♪ ♪
- So what are we doing today?
Partial highlights?
A bob?
An A-line?
- I was actually thinking
maybe something like this.
- Oh, my God.
That takes my breath away.
It's beautiful.
[all gasping]
Look at that.
- That's amazing.
- But, like, so worth it.
- Agreed.
Totally agree.
Yeah, yeah.
- ♪ New you ♪
♪ Great look ♪
♪ Great style ♪
- ♪ Cool ♪
- ♪ New you ♪
♪ Great look ♪
♪ Great style ♪
♪ You're beautiful ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ So beautiful ♪
♪ New you ♪
- ♪ You, you ♪
- ♪ Great look ♪
- ♪ Looks cool ♪
- ♪ Great style ♪
♪ So beautiful ♪
- ♪ New you ♪
[upbeat modern music]
- So what do you think?
- I love it!
I feel so pretty.
- Just beautiful.
Stunning.
- Oh, $900.
Well,
it's worth it, I guess.
- We don't come cheap.
[laughs]
There you go.
- Oh, what's this for?
- Tips are customary.
Cash is preferred.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, but, well,
why are there three?
- Oh, they're for my stylists,
actually.
- Oh.
Oh, well...
Luckily, I have $3, so...
- Well, that works out perfect.
- Well, thank you so much.
- It's my pleasure.
- Sorry I didn't
catch everyone's name.
Please enjoy the dollar bill
I gave each of you.
[electronic dance music]
♪ ♪
[dramatic booming]
- There you go.
- I mean, I'm just
so embarrassed.
I must've, like, smooshed it
with my purse strap.
- It happens.
Here you go.
- Oh,
but I already tipped you.
- Tips are customary.
Cash preferred.
- Okay.
- [laughs]
- All right, well,
thank you so much.
I love it.
- Thank you.
[electronic dance music]
- [coughing]
Whoa.
- [clears throat]
[unsettling orchestral music]
- Okay...
[phone clicking]
- That's so cute.
- Peter, I have a surprise.
Peter?
Hon?
[tranquil lullaby]
♪ ♪
- Our book is for sale.
- "She Said, She Said."
- Hi, we're selling our book.
Excuse me.
You can't just use
our garbage like that.
- We're not a receptacle
for your stick.
- Oh, I know.
- Do it, do it, do it, yes!
Yes, yes, yes.
- Not my problem.
- There's something
for our memoir.
both: [in unison]
Oh, hello!
- Oh, hello.
- Charmed, I'm sure.
I'm Gil Faizon.
- And I am George St. Geegland.
- Did you throw something away
into our wicker basket?
- Yes.
Trash recognizes trash.
- That was in someone's mouth.
And by the way, I'm Candace.
- And I'm Toni.
- We're from
Women & Women First.
It's a feminist bookstore.
- You both look dynamite.
- Watch your tone.
- [emphatically] You both
look dynamite.
- Thank you.
- What's that you're holding?
- This is our book,
"She Said, She Said."
It's our memoir.
We wrote it together.
- Oh, I see.
- "She Said, She Said."
- Could we hear an excerpt
from it?
- Sure.
- Absolutely.
- For it is a bridge.
- Was I ready to hear that?
- The bridge that collapses--
- I better think about
another career.
- A bridge that becomes
something even greater.
- I heard that line before.
- A tower.
- In my mind, everything hinged
on Larry's--
- A tower with fire.
- Stop right there.
It's gorgeous.
- It's a hit.
- It's simply glamorous.
- What are you selling?
What is that?
- It's wicker, baby.
- It's wicker.
- It's, uh, wicker wallets.
This a wicker wallets.
It's a wicker wonderland.
- Where are you from?
I don't understand.
- New York City.
- Ever heard of it?
- We're here to help
a friend...
Uh, what's the legal way
to say this?
- We're here to assist
in a suicide.
- We will be present at
and complicit in--
an illegal suicide.
- It's legal here.
Physicians-assisted suicide?
- But this one is going to be
illegal.
- There's no MD on site.
- You're not doctors?
- We are not doctors,
but I have a doctorate in fun.
- Candace, I was scared
of these wicker men at first,
but I feel like
it's incredibly brave
for them to come here
and help a friend pass on.
- Would you ladies
be interested
in maybe reading from your book
as Len passes?
- Do you wanna do it?
- What do you think they're
saying?
- Of course.
We would be honored.
- We would be honored.
- Tentative lineup:
6:00 p.m., we have
a sound check, okay?
- Yeah.
- I--what do you think?
We gonna make 6:00?
Load in at 6:00?
- We'll load in at 6:00.
- And is the death the finale?
- We're going to give him
a Viking funeral.
[both gasp]
- We're gonna burn his house
down when we're done.
- Let's go.
- Oh, and ladies,
it's a surprise party.
Len's in good health.
He has no idea
we're gonna murder him.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- $10, please.
- Credit card?
[desolate music]
♪ ♪
- Thanks for coming,
everyone.
We've got to do something.
Cash is going extinct.
People are not
using dollar bills anymore,
and it's affecting
our livelihood.
It's affecting our way of life.
- Yeah!
- Okay, bellhops,
valets, newsies...
- Somebody slipped
a personal check
into my G-string
last night.
- Come on.
That's an anti-tip, 'cause
what are you supposed to do
with that? Nothing.
Remember when money
meant something.
Right?
It was tactile.
Putting a $5 bill
into a birthday card.
What is a card from Grandma
without a little cash?
How can we make cash relevant?
all: Yes.
- Yes.
- Whoo!
- What if we made cash
rectangular
and made out of hard plastic?
- Like a credit card?
- No--
and it's got your name--
you know,
like your name on it.
There's a little strip
on the back,
and that is your cash?
"This is my $20 cash."
- Well, that's a credit card.
- Does it have a chip?
- It has a chip.
- It has a chip.
That's a [bleep] credit card,
dude.
- It is not,
because you don't
owe the bank anything,
but you pay a percentage.
- But it's not cash if
it's a small plastic card
with a strip, a 3-digit code,
your name on it,
and a percentage that you pay.
- What-what am I doing wrong?
Am I not explaining it right?
- What if they added
a smell to it?
- I like that.
Cherry, strawberry...
Scratch and sniff, right?
So your wallet smells good.
- What if we bring back
wishing wells,
that your wishes do come true?
Let's bring that back.
- Okay, Walt Disney.
- Let's use the imagination
of the child
and he could have
a world of his own
where Goofy and Pluto
live in a magic castle.
- What you're suggesting is--
is more than just
a monetary system.
You're actually suggesting
an amusement park.
- That takes cash only.
[electronic beeping]
[ominous musical tones]
- Cash forever, asshole!
[rock music]
[cash register chime]
[quiet chiming]
- Oh.
[chuckles]
My first DM.
[electronic music]
- Hmm.
♪ ♪
Whoa.
Hi, John Corbett.
- That's my Petey.
We've been together
for 12 years.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ You might be
stepping out ♪
♪ And no mistaking ♪
♪ A chemical attraction ♪
♪ Little fairy tale ♪
♪ You beat around the bush ♪
♪ But will you just obey me ♪
- Hello?
♪ ♪
Hello?
[ominous music]
- Who is it?
- [sighs]
[ethereal music]
[sighs] Mr. Corbett.
I'm such a big fan.
- You call me Johnny C.
- Okay.
- You are even sweet
in real life.
Have you ever had
a Hood strawberry?
- No.
♪ ♪
[sweeping orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[phone chimes]
- Ooh, a notification.
P!nk photo.
Wow, private plane.
Incredible.
[low electronic music]
♪ ♪
Nance?
I'm out of coffee.
- Voilà.
- I've, um...
I've eaten shrimp
that looks like that.
- These aren't shrimp.
These are langoustine.
Very expensive.
Just smell it.
Mm.
- So, do you do this a lot?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah?
[smooth music]
♪ ♪
Ah.
My middle name's Avalon.
Does your husband know
you're here?
- Oh, he hasn't
really been paying
that much attention to me.
- Oh, I would never
lose track of you.
- Nance!
I got all the ingredients for
P!nk's favorite recipe.
Nance?
Nice big yams,
just the way you like them.
Nance?
Where'd you go?
[melancholy music]
♪ ♪
[squeaking noise]
♪ ♪
Nance?
- Shh. Go back to sleep.
Sorry.
♪ ♪
- Your hair looks like P!nk's.
I love it.
Where were you?
I was really worried.
I had to drink a whole mug
of sleepy-time tea
just to fall asleep.
- [sighs] Well, I went on a--
a date.
- W-w-w-w-w-with who?
- He's an actor.
His name's...
John Corbett.
- Oh, yeah.
- Peter, I fooled around
with him.
- Well, what'd you do?
- The u--the usual.
- Did he climax?
- Peter, you know how I am
in bed.
Of course he did.
It was--there was
no penetration.
- Did you climax?
- I did not, so--
- Oh, we're--we're in
good shape.
- I feel terrible,
and I think what's
put me in this mind-set is
your whole thing with P!nk.
Could you un-follow her
and un-like her photos
and take down that picture of
her that's hanging on our wall?
- Anything for you.
- Thanks, honey.
- I'll do it.
I'll-I'll-I'll take down
the picture.
[phone chimes]
- It's John.
I should block him.
- Yeah.
[phone chimes]
Hmm?
- Whoa.
[slide whistle noise]
- Hey.
- ♪ Leave it all behind you ♪
♪ Are you ready to go ♪
- Have you read
Ahmadinejad's book?
- I did.
- I picked it up,
not expecting to like it,
and I sat down in a huge chair,
and my pants were the
same fabric as the chair,
so I really sank into it.
I truly disappeared.
I was like two eyeballs
sticking out of this,
you know, velvet chair.
Anyway, I started reading
the book, and I loved it.
- ♪ On a jet plane ♪