Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 8, Episode 6 - You Do You - full transcript

- I'm Officer Caroline
Mazzola.
- And I'm Officer
Martin Powers.
- Spikes in population
have made
Portland traffic worse
than ever before,
and that's why we've built
even more lanes.
- And with our updated
sticker system,
you can have access
to a designated lane,
just for you.
- It's that simple. Just...
pick a lane.
- Pick a lane.
Remember your--
- And stick to it.
- Was that me?
So remember your lane.
It's the law.
- Pick a lane.
Now lanes one and two are for
single-occupant vehicles.
- Affix this sticker to
the front bumper to the left.
Sixth lane is for
motorcycles only.
- Your motorcycle
needs a sticker.
- Lane eight is for people
who are proud of their babies.
- The thirteenth lane
is for hearses.
There's a lane specially
for art cars.
- Put a sticker right
underneath
the burnt-out baby bottle
nipples.
You don't have figurines
on your car,
you don't belong
in that lane.
♪ ♪
You hold it from here.
There's a--
- Are you pushing or pulling?
- There you go.
Right there.
These are your stickers.
Only some of them.
Empty limousines.
- Electric vehicles.
- TV and movie
replica cars.
- Twins wearing the same
outfit.
Old trucks.
- Bicycles.
- Rent-a-cars.
- Dented-up vans.
- No matter what your car
looks like...
- It gets its own lane.
That's pretty great.
- Applying for a lane is easy.
Just fill out our online
enrollment form.
- Or just come by the DMV,
where one of our patented
lane scanners
will determine a lane for you.
♪ ♪
- The fifth lane is for drivers
who are picking up a college
guest speaker
from the airport.
- How was your flight?
- Not bad.
Uh, I slept some of the way.
Uh...
How long have you, uh,
lived in the city?
- Oh, most of my life.
Since I was, like, five.
Oh, I'm--I'm sorry.
Six.
Since I was six.
This whole area--
this is all brand new.
None of this was here.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
[yawns] Fridays.
- Pick your lane
and stick in your lane.
That's the law.
[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]
[dreamy chillwave music]
♪ ♪
[female singer over speakers]
♪ ♪
[loud rumbling]
[metal rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hello?
♪ ♪
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, could you just
turn your music down?
Uh, I'm doing a puzzle,
and I--I can't really think.
- I-I would, but, you know,
at the moment,
I'm--I'm living my truth.
- Okay, um...
- I mean, what kind of
a person
wouldn't want someone else
to live their truth, right?
- Maybe you could find, just,
a happy medium?
- You do you. Okay?
- I'll do me.
♪ ♪
[woman screams]
[occasional grunting]
[knocking sounds]
[woman screams]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
[woman panting]
- Everything okay in there?
Uh... I thought
I heard screaming.
- I thought you might
misunderstand that,
but the way I like
to think of it is
it's just me doing...
- Doing you--
you were doing you.
I'm so glad that--that this
is just you doing you.
- I'm just living my truth.
- Great. Yeah.
- See you later.
- Living your truth.
[door slams]
[foreboding music]
[loud knocking sounds]
♪ ♪
[knocking at door]
- I hope this doesn't
look bad.
- It does... kind of look bad.
- I thought you'd think that.
- But...
you do you, right?
- Yes.
It's the only way to be.
[sirens wail]
- Freeze!
[sirens continue wailing]
- Greg Johnson,
you're under arrest for murder.
- Wait, hold on.
I was just living my truth.
- Save it for the judge.
- No, no, no, listen.
With all due respect,
you're an officer of the law;
you have to do you,
but I'm just a human being
trying to live my truth.
You do you and...
I'll do me.
- Wow.
I'm so sorry.
I never want to
get in the way of someone
living their truth
and being their authentic self.
Let's get those off of you.
- Thanks, buddy.
[tender music]
- You do you, okay?
- You're an officer
and you do you.
All you guys,
do yourselves.
Live your truths.
- Hey, well,
what about my truth?
What does that--
I live next door
to a neo-Nazi and a murderer.
- Yeah, you might wanna move.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[loud rumbling]
- Whoa.
- Whoa. Was--was that...
- That was an earthquake.
Was I screaming?
- Fred...
We-we don't have
an earthquake kit.
We don't have canned goods
or bottled water.
Like, if the big one happened,
what would we even do?
- Hey, welcome to
Disaster Hut.
So I'm just gonna ask you
some basic questions
to craft a customized
disaster preparedness kit
tailored exactly
to your survival needs.
- Great, so this is good
for earthquakes?
- Oh, yeah.
Earthquakes, typhoons,
tornadoes,
super-virus, big landslides...
You name it,
we handle it.
Let's talk beans.
- Beans?
- Yeah, so we have fava,
kidney, garbanzo,
navy, pinto, black,
cannellini, and lima.
- Kidney.
- Kidney.
Great choice.
- Uh, could I just do, like,
a variety of canned soups?
- Of course you can.
- So you can do,
like, a variety?
I'll--I'll have soup.
- I already checked kidney
for you, so...
- All right.
Kidney beans.
- You know what I'd love
is sparkling rosé.
- Sparkling rosé...
- And actually...
What about a six-pack of beer?
- Okay, so I have that for you,
and oh, would you like
a quiche lorraine?
- Yeah.
I'll do a fettuccini...
- Fettuccini...
- Some avocado toast...
- That comes with mixed greens,
fruit, or house potatoes.
- I'll do the mixed greens.
For dessert, I would just love,
like, a crème brulée.
Do you have that, or...
- We only have lavender
crème brulées right now.
The other ones are gone.
- That sounds really delicious.
- Okay.
- I can't have any of that,
correct?
- No.
- I--I shouldn't even
attempt to talk you into
taking my order.
- No.
I have your orders,
'cause for you, I have
a sparkling rosé,
quiche lorraine, fettuccini,
avocado toast,
mixed greens on the side
with the house dressing,
and to finish,
a lavender crème brulée,
and for you,
60 cans of kidney beans.
Okay, now,
desert island disc.
Now, the odds that you're
gonna end up on an island
with your
disaster preparedness kit
and a record player
are very low.
People have fun with this one.
- Here's one idea.
Please don't mark it down.
Fleetwood Mac "Rumours."
- That is so good.
- Uh, okay.
- Uh, don't write it down,
because I might have listened
to it too much already,
which means that
something like
Fleetwood Mac "Fleetwood Mac"
might be a better choice.
- Maybe I'll consider
"Sandinista!"
- Triple album.
- Triple album,
The Clash album.
Or we could do
a sound effects record.
You know, creaking door.
[imitates creaking]
Or, you know...
a basketball that's, like,
not inflated all the way.
Pa-ting!
Ska-doink.
- Nothing has ever
sounded like that.
- When a basketball's, uh...
- No.
- "Disinflated" a little bit.
- It doesn't go "ska-toink."
"Nothing ever goes ska-toink."
- I love this argument.
It absolutely does.
- No.
Where's the "doink?"
- Go out to a playground.
You'll hear "ska-doink."
- No, it's not--
- Ska-doink.
Ska-doink.
- There's a slap sound
in there, too.
There's no...
both: Ska-doink.
- I think there is, and that's
why we should get this record.
- Great.
- You know what?
I listen to Rihanna's
"Anti" all the time.
I'll just do that.
- Yeah.
[loud rumbling]
- Oh!
- Whoa!
- That could be it!
That could be the big one!
[car alarms blaring]
[echoing impact]
[creaking sound]
- I like the echo-y one.
- Yeah.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
I like that, like,
creaky gate.
- Yeah.
- [sneezes]
- Gesundheit.
- Bless you.
- Thanks.
Sorry, guys.
- What is it?
Allergies?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Are your eyes itchy?
- Yeah, they're just
watery and runny.
- You have to take
a antihistamine.
- Oh, okay.
- I actually have some.
Knock yourself out.
- Thanks.
- Jamie.
I wouldn't do an antihistamine.
It's gonna dry you out.
- Okay.
- What I do:
Blonase.
Couple squirts,
you'll be on Breathe-y Street.
You want to try some?
- Uh, sure, thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thanks, Kelly.
These are really great
suggestions.
Thank you both.
- Feel better.
- I hope you feel better.
- [sneezes]
- Aw, wow.
- Jeez.
- I think it's more
than just allergies, isn't it?
- It's just a cold
or something.
- I found some
Sol Expergo.
It draws out all the mucus and
blood, and it just--
- I'm sorry.
It draws out all the blood?
- Ech.
- Jamie, this isn't
gonna cure your cold,
but it's gonna make
your heart smile.
[toy squeaks]
- That's really nice.
Hi, I would like
to make an appointment
with, uh, Dr. Foster, please.
I think I might have
sinus infection or something,
so I might need antibiotics.
Okay, yeah, thank you.
- Antibiotics?
Doctor?
You don't want to do that.
- I just need to follow
whatever the doctor says
and then--then I'll get better.
- Jamie, I've got something.
Please come here.
This is...
100% cocaine.
I want you to snort
this whole thing.
You can also shoot it up.
- Where did you get cocaine?
- I go to a book club
once a month in Colombia.
We read a little Elena Ferrante
and then it's just
a total snowstorm.
- Okay.
- Jamie.
- Yeah?
- Come here.
You can make opioids
out of this poppy plant.
I got this from the Taliban.
- I don't want to learn
how to make opiates.
- A urine transplant
will clear out
anything that's ailing you.
- Jamie, take this machete
and cut it off as soon as you
start seeing any
of the infection.
- Jamie.
- You're just getting
your urine everywhere.
And it's really dark.
- Jamie.
Pollen.
- Jamie.
Vitamin C.
- Jamie.
- [sneezes]
- Timedrel.
- Jamie.
- [coughs]
- Oregano oil.
- Jamie.
- Jamie.
Jamie.
Jamie.
- Jamie, if you get a massage
right at the base of
the neck...
Jamie?
- Jamie.
- I think she's dead.
- She's dead?
- Mm-hm.
She must have not done it all,
or maybe only taken
some of the medicine.
- We should probably, uh,
cremate her
in case she's still contagious.
- Yeah.
Put the ashes in the ground,
bury the ashes.
- Good idea.
You're not getting sick,
are you?
- [sniffs]
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hey!
Sorry you got outbid on
that house in Sellwood,
right?
You know my saying.
- Yeah.
both: "It wasn't meant to be."
- This one, I've got
a really good feeling about.
Isn't it beautiful?
- It seems so big.
- Um, yes, and no.
I mean, you're gonna need room
for, like,
a second car, a third car.
- I don't even know if it
really seems like
my kind of house.
- Yeah, but that's 'cause
your animal topiaries
aren't up yet.
Come on.
It's exactly you.
This is perfect for you.
You're going to live here.
- I could live in a house
the size of this room alone.
- But you're--you haven't
seen it filled.
I would move the entryway here.
- W-why?
- This seems to
make more sense.
Oh, hi, Wendy.
I'm gonna tell you
a little something about her
when we're done.
When we're outside.
I had a screaming match
with her recently.
Okay, so this room--
you could put
your in-laws in here,
so you don't have to see them.
- [laughs] I'm not married.
I mean, what about
my own parents?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I just assumed they were dead.
I feel like you're pretty close
to getting married,
and this, right here,
is where you're gonna
cook for your wife.
- Oh, actually,
I date men, though.
- Let the house decide
who you are.
All right, your wet bar's
gonna go right over here,
you're gonna hang your portrait
right over there.
Little chair for when
you're 80 years old.
Grandkids running around you,
gonna ask you for candy.
"Give me chocolate,
give me chocolate."
Do not yell at them,
whatever you do.
- I won't.
- Personally, I think
a little spank on
the tushy--that's okay.
And your receptionist desk
right over there.
- Oh, for--for what?
- Your production company.
And from the landing,
you'll be making your speeches,
looking down on everybody.
- Who's down there?
- Oh, your employees,
your butler, your kids,
Thaddeus and Margaret,
- But I--I told you
I don't have--
- Oh, well, you'll adopt
another kid from Greenland,
Phillip.
He's going to have his nanny,
Luanne, who's going to live
in a little room
right off of the kitchen.
Her ex-husband's gonna
visit all the time.
That's Rick.
Don't talk to Rick.
- Okay, don't talk to Rick.
- I'm serious.
He's codependent,
he's on OxyContin...
- Wow. O-Okay.
- Sandra,
you're gonna get this house.
- Are you sure I shouldn't
look at something smaller?
- No, absolutely not.
Buy the house for the life
that you want,
not the life that you have.
[elegant orchestral waltz]
♪ ♪
- I'll take it.
I'll take it.
- All right.
That it?
- Yep.
- Cool.
- Thank you.
[sighs]
- Dave.
- Mm-hm?
- We got invited to the
Oregon Hiker Council's
annual meeting.
- Oh, great!
When is it?
- It's Saturday.
- Great.
- Yep.
Hors d'oeuvres, tech talk,
and, uh...
[dramatic music]
A photo booth.
- Why?
- Remember what happened
last time?
[somber music]
Let's call someone.
- Yeah.
[doorbell ringing]
- Let me tell you
a little bit about myself.
Shall I?
- Yes.
- Okay, um, I have a
background
in having my picture taken,
so I'm very good at it,
and I just thought this
is a business that needs
to be started,
because people need help,
right?
Like, what was happening
in this photograph?
- This is, uh,
for our wedding guests.
We wanted to give them that.
- Would you like one?
- You gave people
this photograph?
- Ma'am.
- So let's, like,
look at this one.
Right?
This is specifically
a photo booth picture,
and you're not in it.
What happened here?
- I--I actually am.
- No.
- She's right--
she was right there.
- Right.
That's out of the picture.
- But that's the camera's
business.
- No.
- That's their problem,
and we kicked that machine
really hard.
- And then got kicked out
of the party.
- So I think I can help
you guys,
and we're gonna have to
start with the basics, like...
[school bell rings]
This is very good. Yes.
- Oh!
- I--I raised my hand first.
- Oh.
- Both of you, go.
- Okay, rule of thirds.
- Rules of carpet.
- Di-diagonals,
framing devices...
both: Breaking the rules.
- Great, okay.
- I did it from memory.
- No, you didn't.
You were reading it.
- But now I have it.
both: Rule of thirds.
- So every third picture
is the one that
you're gonna use.
- Are you taking our picture?
- No.
Laughing.
Do you have a practice laugh?
Can you do that now?
[forced laughter]
- That laugh frightened me.
- [nasally] Ha-ha!
Ho-ha!
- Now, your issue is that
you move so much.
- I can't help it.
- Well, what do you do
when you're sleeping?
- [imitates snoring]
- Okay, you're drinking coffee.
[flamenco music]
When you're sick.
[mournful bellowing]
Okay, that's not bad.
Can you both do this?
Both do this.
Yes!
Now do this.
[upbeat bass music]
[gasps excitedly]
Click!
Please!
Yes, this is beautiful!
Pose and click
and pose and click!
This is beautiful.
You are so ready.
- Ah.
Brought our own props.
- Yep.
- You cannot borrow them.
Come on, let's go.
Rule of thirds, everyone.
- Everyone know
the rule of thirds?
- Want a good photo?
- Please hurry along.
- Let's see here.
- Got it?
- Oh, wait.
Damn it.
- God.
- Delete that one.
- One. Two.
- Okay, thirds, thirds.
[forced laughter]
- Diagonal.
- Diagonal.
Sweet spot.
[shutter snapping]
- Glamorous.
- Ha ha!
- Looking good.
- Ha ha!
- Catalogue--
Ha, ha!
- When she kind of did,
like, ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
- More.
Let's do more.
We need another hour in here.
Cooking!
Ha-ow!
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hey.
Can you believe that
jasmine's still going?
- I know.
It's incredible, right?
- [child screams]
- Oh, no.
- Valerie.
- She wasn't on there
for more than a minute.
I say we take her
to the hospital.
- Do you think we can
sue the trampoline company?
- Oh, we're gonna sue,
believe me.
- [softly crying]
[phones ringing]
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
[phones ringing]
- James, we got an injury call
on line one,
and about 43 people on hold.
- Mia, I--I just want to drink
a sip of coffee.
- Of course, of course,
- Not even 8:00 in the morning
yet.
- Of course.
- 43 people--how did they call
this early in the morning?
- People, uh--people
are ready to go.
[dramatic music]
- Hi, legal department.
This is James Donnelly.
All right, it bent which way?
Oh, that's terrible.
You did see the age limit
on there, did you not?
You did see it.
Okay, that's great.
Uh, can we offer you
$1,000,000?
You'll think about it--of
course you can think about it.
You don't need to think
about it. Okay.
Hello, yes?
What happened?
Her ponytail got caught where?
His ponytail.
I'm so sorry.
You gotta tell me
what's--
- I'm s--I'm sorry.
I--
- Fine, uh...
$1,000,000?
Okay.
Garden Party Trampoline,
legal department.
Why was a dog on there?
No, I suppose you're correct.
There is no warning
about that.
Uh, can we offer you
$1,000,000?
Wonderful.
- Look at this kid's foot
looks like a spider now.
- What line is it?
- Line three.
- Hello.
Garden Party Trampoline.
You hurt yourself
on the box.
$1,000,000?
You'll take it.
Thank you.
Whoo.
Let me take a breath, please.
Hi, legal department.
Would you like $1,000,000?
Okay, can we settle
for $1,000,000?
Well, how does $1,000,000
sound?
$1,000,000.
Great.
Legal department.
$1,000,000?
Legal department.
$1,000,000?
Legal department.
Hi, would you like $1,000,000?
- Hey.
- Oh, Mia.
Why? Why? Why?
- Come with me.
Let's look at the map.
- Let's take a look at the map.
- Hey, Tom.
So we're looking good here.
Uh, I think we're gonna
be able to settle. Uh, s--
- What happened to that
swimming pool one?
Someone had it in their pool
and it got soggy...
- You know, I--I was able to
transfer, uh, culpability
over to the pool.
- Why are we appealing this?
- We're not appealing.
The client is.
Now, uh, safety department
would love you to take
a look at something.
- All right.
That's great.
Are there labels on that?
Guys, make sure there's
warnings on everything, okay?
If you don't see a warning,
put a sticker on it.
Do you think there's anyone
who buys a trampoline, ever,
who doesn't file a lawsuit?
- I don't know, James.
- How do they turn a profit?
I don't understand.
- Well, I, for one,
work for free.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- 'Cause I love trampolines.
So everyone's really excited
to show you this.
It's a trampoline skateboard.
- Do you have any idea
how many calls I get every day?
Do you have any idea?
Huh?
- Well, you know, we just need
your legal input
and, uh--and then we'll be
good to go.
Right, Bob?
- Uh, make it smaller, perhaps,
and then--
- Oh, that's exciting.
- I want to talk to you
about this.
This--you can't put
a trampoline on top of--
- Oh...
- Do you want
a million dollars?
- Two.
- Okay, we'll write you
a check.
[elegant orchestral music]
- My...
Aww, my grandkids.
- Yeah!
- Don't fight.
- Ah, thank you.
- Could you sign here, please?
[people chatting]
♪ ♪
[harp music]
[laughter]
[indistinct chatter]
[glass clinking]
- Thank you so much for coming
to this birthday celebration.
I have so much
to be thankful for.
30 years ago,
when I got this house,
I had nothing,
but thanks to the vision
of a pushy realtor, Hugo,
I, uh...
I was allowed to dream.
I got a receptionist,
and then I needed something
for the receptionist to do,
so I started a lifestyle
brand--SOOP.
S-O-O-P: Single Owners of
Outside Properties.
SOOP's on. [laughs]
So thank you to my employees,
thank you to my beautiful wife,
Madeline...
[pounding]
Our lovely children,
Margaret, Phillip,
my valet,
my pool guy.
[laughs]
[door unlatches]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who are you?
- Sandra Paulson,
we've been tracking you
ever since
you so recklessly
moved your door two feet over.
You're $10,000,000 in debt.
Who's the idiot
who made you think
you could afford this house?
- [whispering] Hugo.
- I'm sorry, but as of today,
you're being evicted.
[tragic orchestral music]
- Well, happy birthday to me.
♪ ♪
Well, that's what you get
for living your truth.
- ♪ I'ma do my thing ♪
- ♪ Do my thing ♪
- ♪ Do my thing ♪
♪ Stay in your lane ♪
♪ And let me do me ♪
- What about the
first recordings
of Franklin Delano Roosevelt?
- Over and over?
- Are you kidding?
- What--what are
some of your favorite
speeches of his?
- [flatly] Oh,
and as the nation changes
and we look forward,
from Philadelphia
all the way to San Francisco,
our greatest city.
- ♪ In these streets ♪