Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 6, Episode 10 - Episode #6.10 - full transcript
Do I just pour the broth
into the noodles?
No!
Don't mess with this noodle.
Only dip.
Ooh, chopsticks.
I know how to use these.
Me too.
We have one order of tsukemen.
- Oh.
- Tsukemen?
These are our cold
Japanese dipping noodles.
More garnishes will be coming out.
I don't think this is what we ordered.
We don't work here.
A-are you asking us to make it?
Yeah. We're not chefs.
Oh, I think what we ordered
"Sookie-man."
- It's pronounced tsukemen.
- Tsukemen?
- Enjoy.
- What... but... do you want to
send this back to the kitchen
so you guys can make it
and then bring it back?
Why do I have a blank soup? Okay.
Well, I don't even have a soup.
Why are there n-naked noodles?
I'm gonna start with the salad.
But I think there's
a-a proper way to do it that...
It's All edible.
Nance, this is, like, Asian food.
This is... you've got to do it
like they do it
in... in an actual country.
Well, hon, I'm hungry.
No. No! That's the dressing?
- I...
- I think that's the soup.
- It's not a soup.
- Le... let's do this
the right way. What... what... what...
Mmm.
Peter, now my favorite dress
has a stain on it.
What's that?
Th... th... this is not a soup.
Help! Hel... p-p... please,
can... can someone help?
So w... we don't know how
to do any of this.
There's a proper way to do it.
You simply take your noodles
and dip them into your broth.
What are you doing? Tying a knot?
Yeah, I'm making a dumpling.
It's reAlly important
that you don't let your noodles
soak in the broth.
And... and the eggs
are for breakfast for tomorrow?
For a little bit more richness.
Gives it more mouth feel.
It's kinda like a tea ceremony for food.
These flavors have been around
for centuries,
so we're honoring them today.
And what century wh... wh... wh...
does the flavor come from?
Peter, while you're talking,
I'm about to eat food.
I'm just gonna put All this in here.
No! Only dip!
You've been warned.
Wow. Hot-headed.
Could we get this to go, please?
Oh, Peter, there's so many containers.
I'm not gonna be able
to fit it All in here, hon.
Sure. You just move that
bottle right over there.
ActuAlly, why don't you
throw this milk out?
I'm not gonna throw it out.
I don't want to waste it.
Just drink it.
Oh.
It's like cottage cheese.
Look, I just combined
everything so it should fit.
No, no, no, no.
I-I-I-I don't think you sup...
- Yep.
- I don't think that's
- the right thing to do.
- All good.
I think... keep them separate.
Nance, I-I don't... I don't...
- Aah!
- You didn't dip, Nance!
What happened?
It was just...
just a bad dream, I guess.
Oh, no.
Good morning. As you know,
the Nokia Corporation
is gonna be visiting today,
and they're looking to
potentiAlly open a plant here,
which would mean
thousands of new local jobs.
We reAlly want everything
to be especiAlly polished today.
Spick-and-span.
The mayor wants this to go
reAlly, reAlly well.
OPP Radio, I'm Gregory Gonzalez Gomez.
And I am Brianne Maxwell Jones,
and we are right in the middle
of our spring pledge drive.
We've got a goal of $50,000
Think of it as an investment
in your own entertainment and education.
The other day, we ha...
we had a driveway moment.
There was a wonderful story
on teenagers in Papua, New Guinea
who sell sand.
Here in public radio, a driveway moment
is something that defines who we are.
You're in your car, listening to a show,
and you're almost at your house.
You pull up, and you don't want
to spend that time
going from your car to your house
and missing the very important
part of the story.
So you stay in your car
until the story is over.
And what we're asking for today
is for you to donate
to keep this community of
public radio listeners going.
Through your pledges, we brought in
the new Beck album and we played it f...
- Oh, damn it.
- What?
I left my phone at home.
- Let's go back.
- I can't believe I did that!
It was right on the counter.
Just... it was... I looked at it,
and I just kept walking. Damn it!
Ugh. We'll just leave it.
Okay.
Ahem.
I bet you someone's texting me
right now.
Like right now, they're, like,
"Hey, how are you doing?"
honestly, it's often one of
those things where you get back,
and you think there's been an emergency,
and there's literAlly nothing.
The texts that I want to return,
they're not the important ones,
but the ones where someone's
like, "Hey, what's up?"
And it just seems like I'm mad at them.
And I don't want anyone to think that.
Ugh.
I miss the heat of it in my pocket.
Konichiwa. Today on "Asia-phile,"
we're going to talk about
the various ways you can bow.
And in dealing with, uh,
business colleagues,
you should know the difference between
the formal and informal bows,
and know when to use
the very, very formal.
Let's bow, shAll we?
Here's me doing the formal bow.
Look at my back.
Here's me doing the informal.
- Nokia's here, sir.
- Hmm? Good.
Konichiwa.
Where are the Nokia people?
Apparently that's them.
I thought it was a Japanese company.
ActuAlly, Mr. Mayor,
we are a Finnish company.
- Tracy Bing, Nokia.
- Nokia.
Jim and I, here, are heads
of Nokia North America.
- Hi. Jim Riggins.
- Wow.
You are not exactly
what I was expecting at All.
So it's not a Japanese company?
No, sir. It's a Finnish company.
- Finnish?
- Finnish.
- Finland.
- So wouldn't it be,
- like, "Nu-kea"?
- Nokia.
Well, I prepared an elaborate
Japanese welcoming bow ceremony.
I reAlly, reAlly, reAlly
did a lot of work on it, but...
Go ahead. Do it anyway.
Tracy, Jim, welcome.
I'm so excited to show you
the bright, eager,
young workforce that we have here.
I have no doubt you will choose
Portland as your home.
Kind of curious,
who else are you considering?
Seattle.
No contest. Bunch of dum-dums up there.
Nance? The fridge is wide open.
- What?
- Want anything for lunch?
I could go for
some of those leftovers, hon.
The noodles are gone.
No, hon, they're on the shelf.
No, they're not.
They're... they're not here.
Well, Peter, they didn't
just get up and walk away.
I-I-I-I think they did.
There's little noodle footprints
that go out the... the...
the front of the fridge
and they... they make a left
and go down the hAll
and there's broth everywhere.
You didn't dip.
Ah!
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ah, damn it. Right on my shirt.
It's gonna be there All day. Oh, well.
Oh, God. Now I have to get
this shirt dry-cleaned.
What you're going to see here
is a potential workforce
the likes of which
doesn't exist anywhere else.
Only in Portland.
You see All the busy little bees
working away on projects,
All personal projects.
Why shouldn't they be working for you?
Hmm?
Let's talk to one of them, shAll we?
Excuse me? Hi.
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
- I'm the mayor.
I see you're working hard there on a...
- uh, you've got a little spill.
- Oh, yeah.
We couldn't have a spill like
that around the office.
- Well, you keep working.
- Oh, okay.
There you go. Thank you.
- Sir, hi. I'm the mayor.
- Oh, hi.
- Ugh.
- A stain.
Um...
- Oh.
- These people are slobs.
We can't have that in the office.
I don't think Portland's
gonna work for us.
- Mm-mm.
- Uh, well,
let's, uh, let's get you in.
Now, uh, I know Nokia is in need
of strong workforce.
I don't know what to do with my hands.
Just... like this.
Reach in my pocket... back pocket.
Wish I had a...
You know, I wish I had rings
I could play with on my fingers.
That's what I should do is try to get...
Whoa, a lot of people are
tweeting about this wet noodle
- that's on a rampage.
- I'm that out of it already?
Yeah. Sightings downtown.
Sightings like...
Ahh!
Okay, we're getting breaking
news on a noodle monster
of some kind.
We will try, if we can,
my finger is on the button
to switch over to that story.
Just waiting for that $50,000.
Brianne's finger is on the button,
and we're almost gonna do the switch,
but we just need that $50,000.
And in fact, this in itself
can be a driveway moment,
but we need your funds.
Donate anything. $5, $10, 20,
50, anything you can.
And if you're like Scrooge McDuck,
and you're, like, swimming in money
in, like, a real pool full of, like,
very bright yellow gold coins,
please contribute.
It is our fault. We take responsibility.
We birthed this monster
with our ignorance.
Excuse me, do you plan to apologize
to the chefs of this city
whom you've just embarrassed
- by your faux pas?
- Yes.
We're... we're... we...
we have a statement
to a... All chefs in...
in our wonderful city,
we apologize with...
with our full heart and body...
Are you going to apologize to homeowners
whose homes have been ruined
by this noodle monster?
To ho... homeowners out there,
if you're watching,
we're... we're so sorry.
Are you going to apologize
to the apartment dwellers
who you just left out?
Apartment dwellers, we are so sorry.
And if you're in 10A or in 15K...
Are you going to apologize
for the rising rent?
We're sorry.
Thank you, Sam.
Please just have a seat right here,
- and I'll be right back.
- Everything's okay?
Yes. Just a minor hiccup.
Sam, could you, uh...
So...
we got some crazy monster movie
on our hands here.
Chef, what exactly are we dealing with?
Mr. Mayor, this is tsukemen.
It's a cold Japanese wheat noodle
for dipping in ramen broth.
I... I'm sorry. I didn't have
a chance to look any of this...
I don't have my phone with me,
so why would a noodle increase in size
and then attack a city?
So the thing is, if it's dipped,
it's a delicious dish.
But if it's soaked in the broth,
it turns into a monster.
What does it want?
What does this noodle want?
It just wants to be dipped.
But it's gotten dunked.
It's gotten dunked and soaked.
So the noodle wanted a shower,
but someone gave it a bath.
As if the noodle has been
baptized against its will.
Why isn't it rice?
Why didn't rice happen? Why is it...
It's... it's a wheat noodle from wheat.
Not a rice noodle from rice.
- You need to get your phone.
- I don't have a phone.
You guys All have your phones with you.
I don't have mine, okay?
So the... my little brain
is trying to come up with solutions...
- I don't... chopstick guns.
- We tried that.
How... how are we gonna deal with this?
I mean, I want it dealt with
humanely, of course.
No one gets hurt, including the noodle,
but we have to deal with it. Any ideas?
Maybe we could take
one of our city pools
and fill it with ramen broth.
Then we get the noodle and we dip it,
turns it back into a delicious dish.
- That's a great idea.
- A quick dip.
- Quick dip.
- A quick dip.
We've got to forcibly
get it into this pool of broth.
I think I know people
that are good at pushing things
into pools.
- Frat guys.
- Yeah?
We need you to push the
noodle monster into the water.
- We could do that. Okay.
- Yeah.
Don't you guys want to be heroes?
Do you guys want to be heroes?
- You guys hear that?
- Yeah.
Do we agree on that?
- Perfect!
- Ahh!
My socks are on, buddy.
I've got my phone in my pocket.
So this... this pool thing's
not going to work.
Mayor, could we have a word with you?
Yeah. Excuse me. One second.
We're just about through
with our little hiccup.
Can I get you anything else?
Some magazines or a board game?
ActuAlly, I think we're just
gonna head to the airport.
No.
We feel like we have a good take
on what Portland is,
how it, um, operates,
so thanks very much
for showing us everything.
You reAlly haven't had a chance
to experience All of Portland.
Well, it seems like
you got something pretty big
going on here, so...
Well, we're busy,
but not too busy for you.
Take care.
Allen.
Well,
the Nokia people didn't say it directly,
but I think it would please them
if we destroyed this noodle
once and for All.
Well, I-I just have
an apology hangover right now.
I feel awful.
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way, Nance.
Well, I'm not sorry
'cause I'm sick of being sorry.
Hey, wh... wh... wh... wh...
where's the fridge?
The stairs are All wet. What's going on?
Ahh!
- Ah!
- We're sorry.
What... what else do you want from us?
You... you want a written apology?
I'm done apologizing.
I don't even know what we did wrong.
Can you hear us?
Maybe he understands
gestures of apology.
I'm not gonna bow to a noodle.
We're... we're sorry. We apologize.
Listen, we've had enough of you.
Just get out of here! Scram!
- Ah! Peter... Peter.
- Ahh!
Get it! Come on!
Ahh! No! Ahh! No!
Oh, ah.
Ahh!
Peter!
Uh, we are closing in
on the noodle monster.
It'll be in range in three minutes.
Great, great. It was last seen, uh,
near Sandy and 33rd.
I think it's heading
back to my restaurant
to suck down some more broth.
Copy that. I've located the target.
I am prepared to lock in and fire.
Excellent. Terminate with
extreme prejudice.
Engaging termination.
I will be firing in 15 seconds.
- Hey!
- Whoa, whoa, hold on, pilot.
Ma'am, what are you doing there?
What is your beef?
We need to exterminate this noodle.
My husband's in there.
He got slurped up.
I need to get him out.
Ma'am, I can't.
The folks from Nokia
are on their way to Seattle,
and they've just seen us with
lots of stains on our shirts.
No, no, no, listen.
I can neutralize the situation.
I can do it humanely.
Please. Please.
You've got two minutes.
Get me NPR.
We are a go for
Operation Driveway Moment.
That's why in this, uh,
pledge drive, we need you...
Out of the chair! Out of the chair!
Move, move, move!
Get up, get up, get up!
Oh, geez.
Okay, okay.
I'm Kai Ryssdal, this is "Marketplace."
So let me tell you
actuAlly a little story.
When I lived in Beijing,
there was a place I went to,
a little noodle shop that I went to
every single day for lunch
we had dondonya,
which if you've never had dondonya,
I cannot recommend it highly enough.
A bowl of noodles steaming hot,
there's some spicy broth on the
bottom, a little pork on top,
some scAllions, maybe a little garlic.
If you've never tried it, try it.
Anyway, what happens is
I go back to China
a couple of years ago
and I go to try to find
my little noodle shop.
My little dondonya shop, right?
I mean, it was about
a five tables, little thing,
over in the corner somewhere,
and I'm walking All around Beijing.
Can't find it, can't find it.
FinAlly I turn a corner,
'cause as you know,
China has changed a lot
in the past 20 years.
Turn a corner and there's the spot.
It's a huge glass building,
but here's the deal.
This is not a joke.
He's engaged in the story.
We have a driveway moment.
Repeat, we have a driveway moment.
Go for broth.
It was empty, China is changing.
Remember I said up at the top,
44 billion individual portions
of noodles
and that's even after
somebody has come in
and knocked down
my Volkswagen dealership.
So the conclusion to draw here, I think,
if I can sum it up,
which I reAlly hope I can...
"Asia-phile." Hey, everybody.
We're going to have
a ramen eating lesson today.
Um, it's a very specific kind of ramen.
Tsukemenen ramen.
It's the dipping kind of ramen.
Hold on, hon.
I just have to watch this video.
We use the noodles,
dip into the broth and eat.
These are standard chopsticks
that you can find
- in markets across America.
- Come on!
I was in, uh, I was in
Shanghai not too long ago,
went to the Night Noodle Market,
actuAlly in a corner of Shanghai,
extraordinary experience,
here's what they did:
took a little bAll of dough,
whapped it on the counter,
and boom,
stretched it out into a noodle.
Whapped it on the counter again,
stretched it out into four noodles.
Whapped it, eight noodles.
You whap it one more time, 16...
No, wait, let... let's hear the end.
- Oh, okay.
-64. 3 1/2 minutes later,
bang, bowl of noodles.
Now, here's the moral of the story:
Noodles matter.
Noodles matter to people.
They matter to local economies...
And speaking of the economy,
we are still doing our pledge drive.
We're losing him.
Driveway Moment, disengage.
- No, no!
- No, no.
I think they're going to take
an economic downturn here...
I don't know, actuAlly, how much time
we're going to have to stretch
out the pledge drive,
so let's get back to
the Asian food market worldwide,
which I'm sure people are interested in.
I'm sorry, Peter.
So essentiAlly, you want
to get a big bite of this.
Dip it into your broth,
and then slurp it down in one shot.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Still not working.
- Oh, just let go.
- It's not gonna work.
- Okay.
Peter? Peter!
Yes!
Yes! Amazing!
All right, and, uh, and there we are.
That is Marketplace, uh, for today,
and I'm Kai Ryssdal, thanks very much.
Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor,
excuse me, excuse me, everybody.
The way you worked with your citizens
to neutralize this monstrosity
and bring it to a peaceful conclusion
was impressive.
We've decided to offer you
a job in our headquarters
in Finland.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Um, I have to decline.
I'm the mayor of Portland, Oregon,
and this is my dream job,
so thank you,
but no.
Yay!
- Ahh! Ahh!
- Peter! Peter!
- Oh, look at you.
- Who is that?
Oh, it's like you just
came out of a womb.
- It's Nance.
- Oh, Nance.
Uh, oh, the... there was noodles
All around me.
I-I know. I just ate the entire noodle.
The... the... the tsukemen?
Just like the waiter had told us to do.
Just like you told me to do.
I-I put it All in order.
I watched a video and...
I just slurped up that big noodle.
A-are you in the Army?
No, hon, I'm not in the Army.
Oh, look at All the troo...
look at All the troops.
- Yeah.
- I-I salute you.
Private Nance reporting for duty.
Uh, N... Nance, any way that you
eat noodles is fine with me.
I don't care,
as long as I get to be with you.
Can you see me?
- You're my cute smudge.
- You're my cute smudge.
into the noodles?
No!
Don't mess with this noodle.
Only dip.
Ooh, chopsticks.
I know how to use these.
Me too.
We have one order of tsukemen.
- Oh.
- Tsukemen?
These are our cold
Japanese dipping noodles.
More garnishes will be coming out.
I don't think this is what we ordered.
We don't work here.
A-are you asking us to make it?
Yeah. We're not chefs.
Oh, I think what we ordered
"Sookie-man."
- It's pronounced tsukemen.
- Tsukemen?
- Enjoy.
- What... but... do you want to
send this back to the kitchen
so you guys can make it
and then bring it back?
Why do I have a blank soup? Okay.
Well, I don't even have a soup.
Why are there n-naked noodles?
I'm gonna start with the salad.
But I think there's
a-a proper way to do it that...
It's All edible.
Nance, this is, like, Asian food.
This is... you've got to do it
like they do it
in... in an actual country.
Well, hon, I'm hungry.
No. No! That's the dressing?
- I...
- I think that's the soup.
- It's not a soup.
- Le... let's do this
the right way. What... what... what...
Mmm.
Peter, now my favorite dress
has a stain on it.
What's that?
Th... th... this is not a soup.
Help! Hel... p-p... please,
can... can someone help?
So w... we don't know how
to do any of this.
There's a proper way to do it.
You simply take your noodles
and dip them into your broth.
What are you doing? Tying a knot?
Yeah, I'm making a dumpling.
It's reAlly important
that you don't let your noodles
soak in the broth.
And... and the eggs
are for breakfast for tomorrow?
For a little bit more richness.
Gives it more mouth feel.
It's kinda like a tea ceremony for food.
These flavors have been around
for centuries,
so we're honoring them today.
And what century wh... wh... wh...
does the flavor come from?
Peter, while you're talking,
I'm about to eat food.
I'm just gonna put All this in here.
No! Only dip!
You've been warned.
Wow. Hot-headed.
Could we get this to go, please?
Oh, Peter, there's so many containers.
I'm not gonna be able
to fit it All in here, hon.
Sure. You just move that
bottle right over there.
ActuAlly, why don't you
throw this milk out?
I'm not gonna throw it out.
I don't want to waste it.
Just drink it.
Oh.
It's like cottage cheese.
Look, I just combined
everything so it should fit.
No, no, no, no.
I-I-I-I don't think you sup...
- Yep.
- I don't think that's
- the right thing to do.
- All good.
I think... keep them separate.
Nance, I-I don't... I don't...
- Aah!
- You didn't dip, Nance!
What happened?
It was just...
just a bad dream, I guess.
Oh, no.
Good morning. As you know,
the Nokia Corporation
is gonna be visiting today,
and they're looking to
potentiAlly open a plant here,
which would mean
thousands of new local jobs.
We reAlly want everything
to be especiAlly polished today.
Spick-and-span.
The mayor wants this to go
reAlly, reAlly well.
OPP Radio, I'm Gregory Gonzalez Gomez.
And I am Brianne Maxwell Jones,
and we are right in the middle
of our spring pledge drive.
We've got a goal of $50,000
Think of it as an investment
in your own entertainment and education.
The other day, we ha...
we had a driveway moment.
There was a wonderful story
on teenagers in Papua, New Guinea
who sell sand.
Here in public radio, a driveway moment
is something that defines who we are.
You're in your car, listening to a show,
and you're almost at your house.
You pull up, and you don't want
to spend that time
going from your car to your house
and missing the very important
part of the story.
So you stay in your car
until the story is over.
And what we're asking for today
is for you to donate
to keep this community of
public radio listeners going.
Through your pledges, we brought in
the new Beck album and we played it f...
- Oh, damn it.
- What?
I left my phone at home.
- Let's go back.
- I can't believe I did that!
It was right on the counter.
Just... it was... I looked at it,
and I just kept walking. Damn it!
Ugh. We'll just leave it.
Okay.
Ahem.
I bet you someone's texting me
right now.
Like right now, they're, like,
"Hey, how are you doing?"
honestly, it's often one of
those things where you get back,
and you think there's been an emergency,
and there's literAlly nothing.
The texts that I want to return,
they're not the important ones,
but the ones where someone's
like, "Hey, what's up?"
And it just seems like I'm mad at them.
And I don't want anyone to think that.
Ugh.
I miss the heat of it in my pocket.
Konichiwa. Today on "Asia-phile,"
we're going to talk about
the various ways you can bow.
And in dealing with, uh,
business colleagues,
you should know the difference between
the formal and informal bows,
and know when to use
the very, very formal.
Let's bow, shAll we?
Here's me doing the formal bow.
Look at my back.
Here's me doing the informal.
- Nokia's here, sir.
- Hmm? Good.
Konichiwa.
Where are the Nokia people?
Apparently that's them.
I thought it was a Japanese company.
ActuAlly, Mr. Mayor,
we are a Finnish company.
- Tracy Bing, Nokia.
- Nokia.
Jim and I, here, are heads
of Nokia North America.
- Hi. Jim Riggins.
- Wow.
You are not exactly
what I was expecting at All.
So it's not a Japanese company?
No, sir. It's a Finnish company.
- Finnish?
- Finnish.
- Finland.
- So wouldn't it be,
- like, "Nu-kea"?
- Nokia.
Well, I prepared an elaborate
Japanese welcoming bow ceremony.
I reAlly, reAlly, reAlly
did a lot of work on it, but...
Go ahead. Do it anyway.
Tracy, Jim, welcome.
I'm so excited to show you
the bright, eager,
young workforce that we have here.
I have no doubt you will choose
Portland as your home.
Kind of curious,
who else are you considering?
Seattle.
No contest. Bunch of dum-dums up there.
Nance? The fridge is wide open.
- What?
- Want anything for lunch?
I could go for
some of those leftovers, hon.
The noodles are gone.
No, hon, they're on the shelf.
No, they're not.
They're... they're not here.
Well, Peter, they didn't
just get up and walk away.
I-I-I-I think they did.
There's little noodle footprints
that go out the... the...
the front of the fridge
and they... they make a left
and go down the hAll
and there's broth everywhere.
You didn't dip.
Ah!
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ah, damn it. Right on my shirt.
It's gonna be there All day. Oh, well.
Oh, God. Now I have to get
this shirt dry-cleaned.
What you're going to see here
is a potential workforce
the likes of which
doesn't exist anywhere else.
Only in Portland.
You see All the busy little bees
working away on projects,
All personal projects.
Why shouldn't they be working for you?
Hmm?
Let's talk to one of them, shAll we?
Excuse me? Hi.
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
- I'm the mayor.
I see you're working hard there on a...
- uh, you've got a little spill.
- Oh, yeah.
We couldn't have a spill like
that around the office.
- Well, you keep working.
- Oh, okay.
There you go. Thank you.
- Sir, hi. I'm the mayor.
- Oh, hi.
- Ugh.
- A stain.
Um...
- Oh.
- These people are slobs.
We can't have that in the office.
I don't think Portland's
gonna work for us.
- Mm-mm.
- Uh, well,
let's, uh, let's get you in.
Now, uh, I know Nokia is in need
of strong workforce.
I don't know what to do with my hands.
Just... like this.
Reach in my pocket... back pocket.
Wish I had a...
You know, I wish I had rings
I could play with on my fingers.
That's what I should do is try to get...
Whoa, a lot of people are
tweeting about this wet noodle
- that's on a rampage.
- I'm that out of it already?
Yeah. Sightings downtown.
Sightings like...
Ahh!
Okay, we're getting breaking
news on a noodle monster
of some kind.
We will try, if we can,
my finger is on the button
to switch over to that story.
Just waiting for that $50,000.
Brianne's finger is on the button,
and we're almost gonna do the switch,
but we just need that $50,000.
And in fact, this in itself
can be a driveway moment,
but we need your funds.
Donate anything. $5, $10, 20,
50, anything you can.
And if you're like Scrooge McDuck,
and you're, like, swimming in money
in, like, a real pool full of, like,
very bright yellow gold coins,
please contribute.
It is our fault. We take responsibility.
We birthed this monster
with our ignorance.
Excuse me, do you plan to apologize
to the chefs of this city
whom you've just embarrassed
- by your faux pas?
- Yes.
We're... we're... we...
we have a statement
to a... All chefs in...
in our wonderful city,
we apologize with...
with our full heart and body...
Are you going to apologize to homeowners
whose homes have been ruined
by this noodle monster?
To ho... homeowners out there,
if you're watching,
we're... we're so sorry.
Are you going to apologize
to the apartment dwellers
who you just left out?
Apartment dwellers, we are so sorry.
And if you're in 10A or in 15K...
Are you going to apologize
for the rising rent?
We're sorry.
Thank you, Sam.
Please just have a seat right here,
- and I'll be right back.
- Everything's okay?
Yes. Just a minor hiccup.
Sam, could you, uh...
So...
we got some crazy monster movie
on our hands here.
Chef, what exactly are we dealing with?
Mr. Mayor, this is tsukemen.
It's a cold Japanese wheat noodle
for dipping in ramen broth.
I... I'm sorry. I didn't have
a chance to look any of this...
I don't have my phone with me,
so why would a noodle increase in size
and then attack a city?
So the thing is, if it's dipped,
it's a delicious dish.
But if it's soaked in the broth,
it turns into a monster.
What does it want?
What does this noodle want?
It just wants to be dipped.
But it's gotten dunked.
It's gotten dunked and soaked.
So the noodle wanted a shower,
but someone gave it a bath.
As if the noodle has been
baptized against its will.
Why isn't it rice?
Why didn't rice happen? Why is it...
It's... it's a wheat noodle from wheat.
Not a rice noodle from rice.
- You need to get your phone.
- I don't have a phone.
You guys All have your phones with you.
I don't have mine, okay?
So the... my little brain
is trying to come up with solutions...
- I don't... chopstick guns.
- We tried that.
How... how are we gonna deal with this?
I mean, I want it dealt with
humanely, of course.
No one gets hurt, including the noodle,
but we have to deal with it. Any ideas?
Maybe we could take
one of our city pools
and fill it with ramen broth.
Then we get the noodle and we dip it,
turns it back into a delicious dish.
- That's a great idea.
- A quick dip.
- Quick dip.
- A quick dip.
We've got to forcibly
get it into this pool of broth.
I think I know people
that are good at pushing things
into pools.
- Frat guys.
- Yeah?
We need you to push the
noodle monster into the water.
- We could do that. Okay.
- Yeah.
Don't you guys want to be heroes?
Do you guys want to be heroes?
- You guys hear that?
- Yeah.
Do we agree on that?
- Perfect!
- Ahh!
My socks are on, buddy.
I've got my phone in my pocket.
So this... this pool thing's
not going to work.
Mayor, could we have a word with you?
Yeah. Excuse me. One second.
We're just about through
with our little hiccup.
Can I get you anything else?
Some magazines or a board game?
ActuAlly, I think we're just
gonna head to the airport.
No.
We feel like we have a good take
on what Portland is,
how it, um, operates,
so thanks very much
for showing us everything.
You reAlly haven't had a chance
to experience All of Portland.
Well, it seems like
you got something pretty big
going on here, so...
Well, we're busy,
but not too busy for you.
Take care.
Allen.
Well,
the Nokia people didn't say it directly,
but I think it would please them
if we destroyed this noodle
once and for All.
Well, I-I just have
an apology hangover right now.
I feel awful.
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way, Nance.
Well, I'm not sorry
'cause I'm sick of being sorry.
Hey, wh... wh... wh... wh...
where's the fridge?
The stairs are All wet. What's going on?
Ahh!
- Ah!
- We're sorry.
What... what else do you want from us?
You... you want a written apology?
I'm done apologizing.
I don't even know what we did wrong.
Can you hear us?
Maybe he understands
gestures of apology.
I'm not gonna bow to a noodle.
We're... we're sorry. We apologize.
Listen, we've had enough of you.
Just get out of here! Scram!
- Ah! Peter... Peter.
- Ahh!
Get it! Come on!
Ahh! No! Ahh! No!
Oh, ah.
Ahh!
Peter!
Uh, we are closing in
on the noodle monster.
It'll be in range in three minutes.
Great, great. It was last seen, uh,
near Sandy and 33rd.
I think it's heading
back to my restaurant
to suck down some more broth.
Copy that. I've located the target.
I am prepared to lock in and fire.
Excellent. Terminate with
extreme prejudice.
Engaging termination.
I will be firing in 15 seconds.
- Hey!
- Whoa, whoa, hold on, pilot.
Ma'am, what are you doing there?
What is your beef?
We need to exterminate this noodle.
My husband's in there.
He got slurped up.
I need to get him out.
Ma'am, I can't.
The folks from Nokia
are on their way to Seattle,
and they've just seen us with
lots of stains on our shirts.
No, no, no, listen.
I can neutralize the situation.
I can do it humanely.
Please. Please.
You've got two minutes.
Get me NPR.
We are a go for
Operation Driveway Moment.
That's why in this, uh,
pledge drive, we need you...
Out of the chair! Out of the chair!
Move, move, move!
Get up, get up, get up!
Oh, geez.
Okay, okay.
I'm Kai Ryssdal, this is "Marketplace."
So let me tell you
actuAlly a little story.
When I lived in Beijing,
there was a place I went to,
a little noodle shop that I went to
every single day for lunch
we had dondonya,
which if you've never had dondonya,
I cannot recommend it highly enough.
A bowl of noodles steaming hot,
there's some spicy broth on the
bottom, a little pork on top,
some scAllions, maybe a little garlic.
If you've never tried it, try it.
Anyway, what happens is
I go back to China
a couple of years ago
and I go to try to find
my little noodle shop.
My little dondonya shop, right?
I mean, it was about
a five tables, little thing,
over in the corner somewhere,
and I'm walking All around Beijing.
Can't find it, can't find it.
FinAlly I turn a corner,
'cause as you know,
China has changed a lot
in the past 20 years.
Turn a corner and there's the spot.
It's a huge glass building,
but here's the deal.
This is not a joke.
He's engaged in the story.
We have a driveway moment.
Repeat, we have a driveway moment.
Go for broth.
It was empty, China is changing.
Remember I said up at the top,
44 billion individual portions
of noodles
and that's even after
somebody has come in
and knocked down
my Volkswagen dealership.
So the conclusion to draw here, I think,
if I can sum it up,
which I reAlly hope I can...
"Asia-phile." Hey, everybody.
We're going to have
a ramen eating lesson today.
Um, it's a very specific kind of ramen.
Tsukemenen ramen.
It's the dipping kind of ramen.
Hold on, hon.
I just have to watch this video.
We use the noodles,
dip into the broth and eat.
These are standard chopsticks
that you can find
- in markets across America.
- Come on!
I was in, uh, I was in
Shanghai not too long ago,
went to the Night Noodle Market,
actuAlly in a corner of Shanghai,
extraordinary experience,
here's what they did:
took a little bAll of dough,
whapped it on the counter,
and boom,
stretched it out into a noodle.
Whapped it on the counter again,
stretched it out into four noodles.
Whapped it, eight noodles.
You whap it one more time, 16...
No, wait, let... let's hear the end.
- Oh, okay.
-64. 3 1/2 minutes later,
bang, bowl of noodles.
Now, here's the moral of the story:
Noodles matter.
Noodles matter to people.
They matter to local economies...
And speaking of the economy,
we are still doing our pledge drive.
We're losing him.
Driveway Moment, disengage.
- No, no!
- No, no.
I think they're going to take
an economic downturn here...
I don't know, actuAlly, how much time
we're going to have to stretch
out the pledge drive,
so let's get back to
the Asian food market worldwide,
which I'm sure people are interested in.
I'm sorry, Peter.
So essentiAlly, you want
to get a big bite of this.
Dip it into your broth,
and then slurp it down in one shot.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Still not working.
- Oh, just let go.
- It's not gonna work.
- Okay.
Peter? Peter!
Yes!
Yes! Amazing!
All right, and, uh, and there we are.
That is Marketplace, uh, for today,
and I'm Kai Ryssdal, thanks very much.
Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor,
excuse me, excuse me, everybody.
The way you worked with your citizens
to neutralize this monstrosity
and bring it to a peaceful conclusion
was impressive.
We've decided to offer you
a job in our headquarters
in Finland.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Um, I have to decline.
I'm the mayor of Portland, Oregon,
and this is my dream job,
so thank you,
but no.
Yay!
- Ahh! Ahh!
- Peter! Peter!
- Oh, look at you.
- Who is that?
Oh, it's like you just
came out of a womb.
- It's Nance.
- Oh, Nance.
Uh, oh, the... there was noodles
All around me.
I-I know. I just ate the entire noodle.
The... the... the tsukemen?
Just like the waiter had told us to do.
Just like you told me to do.
I-I put it All in order.
I watched a video and...
I just slurped up that big noodle.
A-are you in the Army?
No, hon, I'm not in the Army.
Oh, look at All the troo...
look at All the troops.
- Yeah.
- I-I salute you.
Private Nance reporting for duty.
Uh, N... Nance, any way that you
eat noodles is fine with me.
I don't care,
as long as I get to be with you.
Can you see me?
- You're my cute smudge.
- You're my cute smudge.