Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 9 - You Can Call Me Al - full transcript
Kath and Dave scramble to rehearse for a karaoke party. Guest starring Vanessa Bayer, Jeff Goldblum, and Paul Simon.
I'd like to thank Paul Simon
for coming here and discussing
his autobiography.
[Applause]
And now, um, I'd like to open up
the floor to questions.
Okay.
Um, yes.
The lady in the middle.
First of all, um,
I'm a huge fan.
[Thinking]
Oh, I have a lot to say.
I am really
gonna make an impression
on Paul Simon.
[Thinking]
He'll say, "Good question.
I've been waiting my whole life
for someone to ask that."
[Thinking]
That is an intelligent person,
and that is who my real fans
should be,
not all these other people.
Did you have a question?
Uh, no. No.
Okay, thank you.
What was your inspiration
for, uh...
They need to wait for the mic.
I'm sorry. We can't hear you.
- Can't hear you.
- Sorry.
You're gonna need to wait
for the microphone.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
My husband, Dave, and I--
my name's Kath--
um, we are your ideal fans.
We know your entire discography.
Thank you.
Did you have a question?
We had-- we had heard, uh,
a-- I had heard
a folk singer,
and his vocalizations
didn't have the discerning
quality of tonality
that, uh, I-- I think you and I
seem like we're the same type
of mu-- musically trained judges
of how people sing.
Uh, do you find
your discerning ear
to criticize
or at least assess
that type of vocalizations?
- Well, uh...
- Or is that just us?
Okay, well-- well,
thank you very much.
It might be time for us
to move on
to some other, uh,
other questioners.
The old Gaelic Irish singers.
I'm sorry?
What on earth are they saying?
That accent is so thick.
Uh, is it me, or is it-- I mean,
you must feel the same--
You have to feel the same way.
Well, just for the sake
of expediency,
I'm going to agree, but I do--
I do have to catch a plane,
and this gentleman over here--
We want to thank everyone
for coming,
and that concludes our question.
[Applause]
Thank you very much,
and we could hear you,
the little whispering.
Believe me, the sound carries
here, so we heard you.
[Washed Out's
Feel It All Around playing]
[Computer chimes]
- Good morning.
- Great.
We just got invited
to a karaoke party.
- Oh, nice.
- No, this sucks.
I don't want to go
to a karaoke party.
I don't want to butcher
some song.
What do you mean?
You got a beautiful voice.
Dave, a karaoke party
is an unspoken competition.
You don't go there
as an amateur vocalist
and sing a professional song.
How long do we have?
We have a week.
- That stresses me out.
- Dave, we can do it.
- I don't know.
- We're gonna attack this, Dave!
I mean, I want people to hear
us and just think that
our version's better
than the original version.
I know; I want them to think,
when they go home, like,
"You know what, I wonder
if Kath and Dave have a CD out
where they're singing Hey Jude
or they're singing a song by"--
Creedence Clearwater Revival!
Yes!
What if we get a vocal coach?
And we get professional
singing lessons?
Vocal coach.
Maybe we do something
choreographed.
Yes!
Think about this voice
after lessons.
[Sings loudly]
[Softly]
Oh, I love it.
- I love that voice.
- I know.
It's gonna be like angels
singing.
I mean, it's basically gonna be
a birthday party for our song.
Let's look up vocal coaches,
I guess.
Okay.
Ready or not, here we come.
So my sister has this setup
that I think is really cool.
It's just, like, all of my music
in one central place,
but I can play it
in different rooms
and kind of control my TV
in the same way.
Well, that's exactly
what we do.
- Perfect.
- So yeah.
We could put in speakers
up there,
down here, every room
in the house.
You're gonna want a subwoofer
under the television.
[Clapping]
Ooh, new plaster
up in that corner there.
Uh.
♪ ooh, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
What do you got,
a screen back there?
Yeah.
You might want
to take that out,
'cause it's catching
all the treble.
[Slapping]
♪ oh, ah, ah ♪
What we're realizing is
we probably need to put
a subfloor down
and some baffling up.
- What's baffling?
- It deadens the sound.
You don't want things
to be too tinny.
Otherwise, it just sounds
like a Chinese kitchen.
What does that sound like?
[Speaking nonsensically]
- This is a constant cacophony.
- Okay, how long is this--
So when you listen
to The Beatles,
it sounds
like the Chinese Beatles.
You know what I'm saying?
That sounds really racist
to me.
We use this in the industry
all the time.
It has nothing to do with-- with
what nation they're from.
I don't use it in the industry,
but it's true that he does.
How are you on volume?
[Yelling]
Is this volume loud?
- Yeah. That's loud.
- Is this more quiet?
Yeah.
Of course that's more quiet.
- You're talking more quietly.
- All right.
Well, we're gonna get to
installing.
Okay. Great.
♪ everybody get ready,
it's time to play ♪
[Dreamy synth music]
♪ ♪
Why are you stapling my table?
That's just temporary.
Well, don't staple it.
I don't want this on here.
[Sighs]
♪ ♪
[Clatter]
What was that?
I'm so sorry. Nothing.
So this is device one.
- Okay.
- All your rooms are set up.
We've got your kitchen.
We've got your bedroom.
We've got the hallways.
We have speakers everywhere.
Why don't we turn on some
music in the kitchen?
Okay.
- Kitchen.
- Um, okay.
Why don't we
do the kitchen then?
Why don't we call it--
Damn it.
Device one.
I need, uh-- I'm not getting
any sound from the kitchen.
Um, I don't know if we
hooked up the HDMI cable.
Do we have one in the car?
Do you own an HDMI cable?
I don't even know what that is.
That's the cable you want.
HDMI.
Is that your address?
- Yeah.
- Great.
And when it comes...
you're gonna just want
to attach it back here.
Connect those two.
You're gonna be all ready to go.
How exciting that you're
gonna have something that works
in a couple days.
Yeah. Can't wait.
- Yeah.
- All right. See you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- [Clatter]
- Oh...
Oh, sorry!
Creative Jungle
Digital Playground presents...
Virtual Classroom!
[Bell ringing]
Very simple.
It makes a lot of sense.
You don't have to be a dummy
to do this.
This goes right here.
So all of the sudden,
you've got your regular
consumer sound, and all
the sudden, it's much better
and clearer and you've got
all the deep bass sounds
and all the treble
and you can hear
all the pronunciation
of everything.
Don't worry about this.
This hangs. You're fine.
But be careful with it.
The microphone, it's not a toy.
It's not karaoke.
It's professional.
Creative Jungle
Virtual Classroom!
What are you, um,
looking to get
out of a voice lesson?
What are our-- our goals
with this lesson?
Dave and I, we're invited
to a karaoke party.
Never did
a karaoke party before?
No, of course, because we're
not professional,
and there's gonna
be an audience there,
so we want to give
a good performance.
Dave and I don't
have a good time
unless we're doing
something right.
Let's see if we can hit
a pitch.
How are you on-- on pitches?
♪ hmm, bop ♪
- ♪ bop ♪
- You?
- Ugh.
- No?
- It's so hard.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Just, I need a minute.
Okay.
♪ bop ♪
♪ bop ♪
This is very stressful for me.
- It is, well--
- I'm out of my element.
- What's wrong?
- Time out for a minute.
Because this is very stressful
because you know
all the musical lingo.
This is new to me.
It-- you're-- you're--
you're doing it.
This is just stressful,
because I-- I don't even know
where to start,
and we got this thing
in a week.
I'm doing my very best.
- I-- You're-- you're doing fine.
- Don't cry.
- Are you gonna cry?
- I'm not gonna cry.
It's just that you're used to
this; this is brand-new to me.
- That's perfect, that's--
- ♪ bop ♪
- Oh! Oh!
- ♪ bah ♪
- ♪ bah ♪
- Oh!
♪ bah ♪
♪ ah, ah ♪
♪ bah ♪
I like that.
We want all those sounds.
♪ bah! ♪
Oh, there's nothing
wrong with that.
I like what you're doing.
Dave, you're doing good!
- I like what you're doing.
- ♪ bah ♪
Wow. Wow.
All:
♪ yah, yah, yah, yah ♪
♪ yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪
♪ yah, yah, yah, yah,
yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪
Do you have a certificate?
She's almost graduating.
You're-- There's no certificate
that we're ever--
She's jumped ahead of me
in class,
and I'm left behind like a--
You're not in competition
with each other.
There's no ahead.
I think we're doing very well.
Enjoy your breathing
for a moment.
Let's not talk.
Let's just breathe.
[All breathing deeply]
[Snoring]
Is there a song
that you want to work on?
Or have you-- What is it?
Oh.
You Can Call Me Al
by Paul Simon.
And what about the music or the,
um, it makes you want to do it?
I think the audience will
give us a standing ovation.
I think we're gonna win.
Both:
♪ if you'll be my bodyguard ♪
♪ I can be your long lost pal ♪
♪ ♪
You know,
I like this little hook.
♪ bone digger, bone digger ♪
All:
♪ bone digger, bone digger ♪
Both:
♪ I can call you Betty ♪
♪ Betty when you call me
you can call me Al ♪
♪ call me Al ♪
[Vocal sounds]
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪
Fan-- fantastic!
- Dave!
- I like that.
- It's really--
- No, that choked me up.
I didn't--
That's beautiful, honey.
I loved it.
Do you have a certificate
that says that--
Do you want a certificate?
I'll give you a certificate.
Thank you.
Oh, this must be the cable.
Sorry we missed you,
item is at post office.
[Wheel squeaking]
Excuse me, uh, is this the line
for packages?
Uh, I don't know.
Just go get a form,
bring it back,
and I'll help you with that,
and then you'll have
to fill out all of that.
Okay?
Oh.
Excuse me.
[Knock on door]
- Oh.
- Oh. Hi.
Uh, wanted to get this package.
We're not open for that yet.
If there's any way you could
just go back there or just--
I'd appreciate it.
I'm locked out. I'm sorry.
Okay. Um...
Well...
If you're just dropping off,
I can help you
around the corner.
Excuse me. Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
So, um, I just wanted
to get this package.
Is there somebody who works here
who's back there to--
Go to the line.
Okay.
Don't--
You don't have to--
- I'm closed, honey.
Oh. Okay.
Do you have, uh,
special envelopes--
- Elsa!
- Yep.
Kidding me?
Did I tell you Curt showed up
last night at my house?
What's taking so long?
How many-- how many days
does the passport take?
Sh-- I'm just gonna start
filling it out.
Come on.
[Door creaking]
So do I just
fill this out here or...
[Door slams]
Oh! Uh!
[Sighs]
Oh!
Oh, my gosh!
This is it!
We're not open yet.
[Screaming]
[Panting]
[Screams]
Let go of me!
- Help me!
- Just-- I just--
Let go of me! Uh!
Just-- just kill me, please.
[Screaming]
[Panting]
Hey, honey.
The cable guy's coming today.
Can you let him in?
But this is my work area.
I'm working from home.
So if he knocks on the door,
you may or may not let him in.
Can you come back home
for the time that he comes here
and let him in?
I'm not gonna leave my job
and come home.
You-- you are here.
You work--
- I can't leave my job
and go up to the door.
I'm sorry, but I got to go.
Thank you for letting him in.
The day of the worker
who works from home is here.
We need to unionize.
[Applause]
We have the right
to work at home in peace
without interruptions!
- Hear, hear.
- Yes.
[Knock on door]
Having a work meeting!
Go away.
First on the agenda--
[Knock on door]
Yes.
Hi, I'm here to install cable
for a Barbara Norris.
Unbelievable.
Where, uh-- Do you know
where the cable box is?
Living room. The living room.
I'm working, so...
Now, we got to talk about hours.
I'm thinking 11:00 to 4:00.
What are you thinking?
3:30?
I like to get in--
I know it sounds crazy,
but a five-hour workday.
11:00 to 4:00.
Show of hands.
Did you want Cinemax?
I don't know.
What did my wife say?
She didn't specify.
Yes, please.
- Just leave us in peace.
- Okay.
Appreciate it.
If anyone crosses our path,
we've got to strike.
I agree.
We don't work
if we're interrupted.
I need a longer coax cable.
He needed a what?
A coaxial cable.
It's the kind that's
like a black cable--
- I know exactly what it is.
We've got to be strong.
We set these parameters.
I got it. Got it.
Are we done with that?
We're being attacked by a
populous that doesn't understand
that what we're doing
is legitimate work.
And we've got to delineate
what that looks like,
what a work time
looks like, and--
- Um, I got to use the restroom.
- Hey, pal.
Use the kitchen one,
which is back there.
All right. Thank you.
What if I was a surgeon
working with my hands
with a patient?
They just don't get it.
My home is my office.
To interrupt is lawless.
All:
My home is my office!
To interrupt is lawless!
My home is my office!
- To interrupt is lawless!
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[Crickets chirping]
[Sighs]
All right.
That was easy.
Huh.
[Lively music blaring]
Ugh!
[Exasperated sigh]
No, not light.
[Groans]
God.
[You Can Call Me Al blaring]
♪ ♪
[Music fades]
[Sighs]
I'm e-mailing these idiots.
[Booming noise, man speaking]
[Screams]
[Breathing heavily]
Just turn off!
Why won't you just turn off?
What is this?
[Noise stops]
[Sighs]
[Loud noise resumes]
Whoa!
What are you guys doing here?
Uh, we got your e-mail.
Yeah, we pride ourselves on
really quick customer service.
Well, can you do anything?
What's the original remote
for this?
Oh!
Why would you change
the settings on the remote?
- I didn't change anything.
- Who bolted this?
I don't know.
This was supposed
to simplify everything,
and it's made it
much more complicated!
Why are you watching TV
so late?
Well, can you just turn it off?
Okay.
Let's go to the mainframe.
- All right. Let's go.
- Okay.
We got this. Okay.
- All right.
- All right. Input one.
Hold on. Hold on. Slow down.
- Line two.
- Did you disconnect something?
- Uh, no! No!
- Did you disconnect something?
Can you stop yelling
in my ear, please??
[Pounding on door]
- What is--
- Answer the door!
Jesus. Okay.
Uh, exit. Exit.
Oh, my God!
You left this
at the post office.
You left this
at the post office.
Uh!
- Off.
- Off.
Look, I just want the same
music system as my sister!
- And look!
- That doesn't do anything.
You need this.
Oh, your sister has
a shoe speaker?
Hold on.
[Device audio flickering]
It's off.
Oh. Okay.
You know, I think I might need
you guys to be here, like, 24-7.
[Birds chirping]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- How'd you sleep?
- Pretty good.
Want some morning music?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Something soft, maybe.
Great.
Well, you didn't--
[Music playing sporadically]
I got to go check something
in the basement.
The guest room
gets really cold, huh?
♪ there's a house
in New Orleans ♪
♪ they call The Rising Sun ♪
- It's not bad.
- Nope.
Not totally professional,
but not bad.
We should warm up
a little, Dave.
Okay.
Al, Al, Al.
Beer belly! Beer belly!
Uh, ah-ah-ah!
- Bone digger.
- Hey, everybody!
Do we say something
when we get up there?
Yeah,
we'll just greet everybody,
and also, you have to look
kind of humble.
You know, just kind of like...
♪ beneath The Rising Sun ♪
And that was the birthday girl!
[Cheers and applause]
Good job! That was great!
- Whoo!
- We loved it.
Next up, we have a duo.
Eddy and Christine,
come on up to the stage.
Oh. We're probably next.
Go get 'em!
[Paul Simon's
You Can Call Me Al playing]
Oh, my God!
- What are they doing?
- It's our song.
Is that allowed?
Is this allowed?
- This is our song.
- We chose this first.
This is our song.
Don't listen.
Both:
♪ man walks down the street ♪
♪ he says why am I soft
in the middle now ♪
♪ why am I soft
in the middle now ♪
♪ the rest of my life
is so hard ♪
I mean, they're not even
singing from their diaphragm.
Hey, Linda,
I just want you to know,
this was our song.
They stole, okay?
That's song-lifting.
You don't do that.
Both:
♪ bone digger, bone digger ♪
- Damn it!
- We have to find another song.
- Dave.
- Just pick something else.
Stop! Calm down. Calm down!
♪ beer belly, beer belly ♪
Ugly Kid Joe?
Do-- do we know Ugly Kid Joe?
- No.
- Jimi Hendrix?
You know all the lyrics?
No, but he plays guitar.
We could just
do the guitar part.
- Bam!
- That was Eddy and Christine.
- Hey, man, that wasn't cool.
- That was our song.
That was our song.
We picked it.
- Thank you.
- "Thank you"?
Next up, we have another duo,
Kath and Dave.
- I'm not going.
- We have to go.
- I'm not going.
- This is our turn.
I don't want to back down.
Come on, let's find something.
Yeah, they're calling
your names!
Give us a minute!
I mean, Dave,
is there any song--
is there any song we know
all the lyrics to?
Kath and Dave, come on.
Meet you up here on the stage.
I got it.
Okay,
and it looks like just Dave
is making his way to the stage.
Now let's hear it.
Here's a song
you might recognize.
Hope you like it.
♪ oh, say can you see ♪
♪ by the dawn's early light ♪
♪ what so proudly we hailed ♪
♪ at the twilight's
last gleaming ♪
♪ whose broad stripes
and bright stars ♪
♪ through the perilous fight ♪
♪ o'er the ramparts we watched ♪
♪ were so gallantly streaming ♪
Yeah! Proud of you!
Kath. Together.
I only want to do this music
with you.
- ♪ and ♪
- ♪ gave proof ♪
Dave, you're my number one man.
You have a beautiful,
beautiful voice.
It only makes me love you more.
Both:
♪ oh say does that ♪
♪ star spangled banner
yet wave ♪
♪ o'er the land of the free ♪
♪ and the home of the ♪
♪ my Dave ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Those are my students!
Happy birthday, Linda.
for coming here and discussing
his autobiography.
[Applause]
And now, um, I'd like to open up
the floor to questions.
Okay.
Um, yes.
The lady in the middle.
First of all, um,
I'm a huge fan.
[Thinking]
Oh, I have a lot to say.
I am really
gonna make an impression
on Paul Simon.
[Thinking]
He'll say, "Good question.
I've been waiting my whole life
for someone to ask that."
[Thinking]
That is an intelligent person,
and that is who my real fans
should be,
not all these other people.
Did you have a question?
Uh, no. No.
Okay, thank you.
What was your inspiration
for, uh...
They need to wait for the mic.
I'm sorry. We can't hear you.
- Can't hear you.
- Sorry.
You're gonna need to wait
for the microphone.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
My husband, Dave, and I--
my name's Kath--
um, we are your ideal fans.
We know your entire discography.
Thank you.
Did you have a question?
We had-- we had heard, uh,
a-- I had heard
a folk singer,
and his vocalizations
didn't have the discerning
quality of tonality
that, uh, I-- I think you and I
seem like we're the same type
of mu-- musically trained judges
of how people sing.
Uh, do you find
your discerning ear
to criticize
or at least assess
that type of vocalizations?
- Well, uh...
- Or is that just us?
Okay, well-- well,
thank you very much.
It might be time for us
to move on
to some other, uh,
other questioners.
The old Gaelic Irish singers.
I'm sorry?
What on earth are they saying?
That accent is so thick.
Uh, is it me, or is it-- I mean,
you must feel the same--
You have to feel the same way.
Well, just for the sake
of expediency,
I'm going to agree, but I do--
I do have to catch a plane,
and this gentleman over here--
We want to thank everyone
for coming,
and that concludes our question.
[Applause]
Thank you very much,
and we could hear you,
the little whispering.
Believe me, the sound carries
here, so we heard you.
[Washed Out's
Feel It All Around playing]
[Computer chimes]
- Good morning.
- Great.
We just got invited
to a karaoke party.
- Oh, nice.
- No, this sucks.
I don't want to go
to a karaoke party.
I don't want to butcher
some song.
What do you mean?
You got a beautiful voice.
Dave, a karaoke party
is an unspoken competition.
You don't go there
as an amateur vocalist
and sing a professional song.
How long do we have?
We have a week.
- That stresses me out.
- Dave, we can do it.
- I don't know.
- We're gonna attack this, Dave!
I mean, I want people to hear
us and just think that
our version's better
than the original version.
I know; I want them to think,
when they go home, like,
"You know what, I wonder
if Kath and Dave have a CD out
where they're singing Hey Jude
or they're singing a song by"--
Creedence Clearwater Revival!
Yes!
What if we get a vocal coach?
And we get professional
singing lessons?
Vocal coach.
Maybe we do something
choreographed.
Yes!
Think about this voice
after lessons.
[Sings loudly]
[Softly]
Oh, I love it.
- I love that voice.
- I know.
It's gonna be like angels
singing.
I mean, it's basically gonna be
a birthday party for our song.
Let's look up vocal coaches,
I guess.
Okay.
Ready or not, here we come.
So my sister has this setup
that I think is really cool.
It's just, like, all of my music
in one central place,
but I can play it
in different rooms
and kind of control my TV
in the same way.
Well, that's exactly
what we do.
- Perfect.
- So yeah.
We could put in speakers
up there,
down here, every room
in the house.
You're gonna want a subwoofer
under the television.
[Clapping]
Ooh, new plaster
up in that corner there.
Uh.
♪ ooh, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
What do you got,
a screen back there?
Yeah.
You might want
to take that out,
'cause it's catching
all the treble.
[Slapping]
♪ oh, ah, ah ♪
What we're realizing is
we probably need to put
a subfloor down
and some baffling up.
- What's baffling?
- It deadens the sound.
You don't want things
to be too tinny.
Otherwise, it just sounds
like a Chinese kitchen.
What does that sound like?
[Speaking nonsensically]
- This is a constant cacophony.
- Okay, how long is this--
So when you listen
to The Beatles,
it sounds
like the Chinese Beatles.
You know what I'm saying?
That sounds really racist
to me.
We use this in the industry
all the time.
It has nothing to do with-- with
what nation they're from.
I don't use it in the industry,
but it's true that he does.
How are you on volume?
[Yelling]
Is this volume loud?
- Yeah. That's loud.
- Is this more quiet?
Yeah.
Of course that's more quiet.
- You're talking more quietly.
- All right.
Well, we're gonna get to
installing.
Okay. Great.
♪ everybody get ready,
it's time to play ♪
[Dreamy synth music]
♪ ♪
Why are you stapling my table?
That's just temporary.
Well, don't staple it.
I don't want this on here.
[Sighs]
♪ ♪
[Clatter]
What was that?
I'm so sorry. Nothing.
So this is device one.
- Okay.
- All your rooms are set up.
We've got your kitchen.
We've got your bedroom.
We've got the hallways.
We have speakers everywhere.
Why don't we turn on some
music in the kitchen?
Okay.
- Kitchen.
- Um, okay.
Why don't we
do the kitchen then?
Why don't we call it--
Damn it.
Device one.
I need, uh-- I'm not getting
any sound from the kitchen.
Um, I don't know if we
hooked up the HDMI cable.
Do we have one in the car?
Do you own an HDMI cable?
I don't even know what that is.
That's the cable you want.
HDMI.
Is that your address?
- Yeah.
- Great.
And when it comes...
you're gonna just want
to attach it back here.
Connect those two.
You're gonna be all ready to go.
How exciting that you're
gonna have something that works
in a couple days.
Yeah. Can't wait.
- Yeah.
- All right. See you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- [Clatter]
- Oh...
Oh, sorry!
Creative Jungle
Digital Playground presents...
Virtual Classroom!
[Bell ringing]
Very simple.
It makes a lot of sense.
You don't have to be a dummy
to do this.
This goes right here.
So all of the sudden,
you've got your regular
consumer sound, and all
the sudden, it's much better
and clearer and you've got
all the deep bass sounds
and all the treble
and you can hear
all the pronunciation
of everything.
Don't worry about this.
This hangs. You're fine.
But be careful with it.
The microphone, it's not a toy.
It's not karaoke.
It's professional.
Creative Jungle
Virtual Classroom!
What are you, um,
looking to get
out of a voice lesson?
What are our-- our goals
with this lesson?
Dave and I, we're invited
to a karaoke party.
Never did
a karaoke party before?
No, of course, because we're
not professional,
and there's gonna
be an audience there,
so we want to give
a good performance.
Dave and I don't
have a good time
unless we're doing
something right.
Let's see if we can hit
a pitch.
How are you on-- on pitches?
♪ hmm, bop ♪
- ♪ bop ♪
- You?
- Ugh.
- No?
- It's so hard.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Just, I need a minute.
Okay.
♪ bop ♪
♪ bop ♪
This is very stressful for me.
- It is, well--
- I'm out of my element.
- What's wrong?
- Time out for a minute.
Because this is very stressful
because you know
all the musical lingo.
This is new to me.
It-- you're-- you're--
you're doing it.
This is just stressful,
because I-- I don't even know
where to start,
and we got this thing
in a week.
I'm doing my very best.
- I-- You're-- you're doing fine.
- Don't cry.
- Are you gonna cry?
- I'm not gonna cry.
It's just that you're used to
this; this is brand-new to me.
- That's perfect, that's--
- ♪ bop ♪
- Oh! Oh!
- ♪ bah ♪
- ♪ bah ♪
- Oh!
♪ bah ♪
♪ ah, ah ♪
♪ bah ♪
I like that.
We want all those sounds.
♪ bah! ♪
Oh, there's nothing
wrong with that.
I like what you're doing.
Dave, you're doing good!
- I like what you're doing.
- ♪ bah ♪
Wow. Wow.
All:
♪ yah, yah, yah, yah ♪
♪ yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪
♪ yah, yah, yah, yah,
yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪
Do you have a certificate?
She's almost graduating.
You're-- There's no certificate
that we're ever--
She's jumped ahead of me
in class,
and I'm left behind like a--
You're not in competition
with each other.
There's no ahead.
I think we're doing very well.
Enjoy your breathing
for a moment.
Let's not talk.
Let's just breathe.
[All breathing deeply]
[Snoring]
Is there a song
that you want to work on?
Or have you-- What is it?
Oh.
You Can Call Me Al
by Paul Simon.
And what about the music or the,
um, it makes you want to do it?
I think the audience will
give us a standing ovation.
I think we're gonna win.
Both:
♪ if you'll be my bodyguard ♪
♪ I can be your long lost pal ♪
♪ ♪
You know,
I like this little hook.
♪ bone digger, bone digger ♪
All:
♪ bone digger, bone digger ♪
Both:
♪ I can call you Betty ♪
♪ Betty when you call me
you can call me Al ♪
♪ call me Al ♪
[Vocal sounds]
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪
Fan-- fantastic!
- Dave!
- I like that.
- It's really--
- No, that choked me up.
I didn't--
That's beautiful, honey.
I loved it.
Do you have a certificate
that says that--
Do you want a certificate?
I'll give you a certificate.
Thank you.
Oh, this must be the cable.
Sorry we missed you,
item is at post office.
[Wheel squeaking]
Excuse me, uh, is this the line
for packages?
Uh, I don't know.
Just go get a form,
bring it back,
and I'll help you with that,
and then you'll have
to fill out all of that.
Okay?
Oh.
Excuse me.
[Knock on door]
- Oh.
- Oh. Hi.
Uh, wanted to get this package.
We're not open for that yet.
If there's any way you could
just go back there or just--
I'd appreciate it.
I'm locked out. I'm sorry.
Okay. Um...
Well...
If you're just dropping off,
I can help you
around the corner.
Excuse me. Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
So, um, I just wanted
to get this package.
Is there somebody who works here
who's back there to--
Go to the line.
Okay.
Don't--
You don't have to--
- I'm closed, honey.
Oh. Okay.
Do you have, uh,
special envelopes--
- Elsa!
- Yep.
Kidding me?
Did I tell you Curt showed up
last night at my house?
What's taking so long?
How many-- how many days
does the passport take?
Sh-- I'm just gonna start
filling it out.
Come on.
[Door creaking]
So do I just
fill this out here or...
[Door slams]
Oh! Uh!
[Sighs]
Oh!
Oh, my gosh!
This is it!
We're not open yet.
[Screaming]
[Panting]
[Screams]
Let go of me!
- Help me!
- Just-- I just--
Let go of me! Uh!
Just-- just kill me, please.
[Screaming]
[Panting]
Hey, honey.
The cable guy's coming today.
Can you let him in?
But this is my work area.
I'm working from home.
So if he knocks on the door,
you may or may not let him in.
Can you come back home
for the time that he comes here
and let him in?
I'm not gonna leave my job
and come home.
You-- you are here.
You work--
- I can't leave my job
and go up to the door.
I'm sorry, but I got to go.
Thank you for letting him in.
The day of the worker
who works from home is here.
We need to unionize.
[Applause]
We have the right
to work at home in peace
without interruptions!
- Hear, hear.
- Yes.
[Knock on door]
Having a work meeting!
Go away.
First on the agenda--
[Knock on door]
Yes.
Hi, I'm here to install cable
for a Barbara Norris.
Unbelievable.
Where, uh-- Do you know
where the cable box is?
Living room. The living room.
I'm working, so...
Now, we got to talk about hours.
I'm thinking 11:00 to 4:00.
What are you thinking?
3:30?
I like to get in--
I know it sounds crazy,
but a five-hour workday.
11:00 to 4:00.
Show of hands.
Did you want Cinemax?
I don't know.
What did my wife say?
She didn't specify.
Yes, please.
- Just leave us in peace.
- Okay.
Appreciate it.
If anyone crosses our path,
we've got to strike.
I agree.
We don't work
if we're interrupted.
I need a longer coax cable.
He needed a what?
A coaxial cable.
It's the kind that's
like a black cable--
- I know exactly what it is.
We've got to be strong.
We set these parameters.
I got it. Got it.
Are we done with that?
We're being attacked by a
populous that doesn't understand
that what we're doing
is legitimate work.
And we've got to delineate
what that looks like,
what a work time
looks like, and--
- Um, I got to use the restroom.
- Hey, pal.
Use the kitchen one,
which is back there.
All right. Thank you.
What if I was a surgeon
working with my hands
with a patient?
They just don't get it.
My home is my office.
To interrupt is lawless.
All:
My home is my office!
To interrupt is lawless!
My home is my office!
- To interrupt is lawless!
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[Crickets chirping]
[Sighs]
All right.
That was easy.
Huh.
[Lively music blaring]
Ugh!
[Exasperated sigh]
No, not light.
[Groans]
God.
[You Can Call Me Al blaring]
♪ ♪
[Music fades]
[Sighs]
I'm e-mailing these idiots.
[Booming noise, man speaking]
[Screams]
[Breathing heavily]
Just turn off!
Why won't you just turn off?
What is this?
[Noise stops]
[Sighs]
[Loud noise resumes]
Whoa!
What are you guys doing here?
Uh, we got your e-mail.
Yeah, we pride ourselves on
really quick customer service.
Well, can you do anything?
What's the original remote
for this?
Oh!
Why would you change
the settings on the remote?
- I didn't change anything.
- Who bolted this?
I don't know.
This was supposed
to simplify everything,
and it's made it
much more complicated!
Why are you watching TV
so late?
Well, can you just turn it off?
Okay.
Let's go to the mainframe.
- All right. Let's go.
- Okay.
We got this. Okay.
- All right.
- All right. Input one.
Hold on. Hold on. Slow down.
- Line two.
- Did you disconnect something?
- Uh, no! No!
- Did you disconnect something?
Can you stop yelling
in my ear, please??
[Pounding on door]
- What is--
- Answer the door!
Jesus. Okay.
Uh, exit. Exit.
Oh, my God!
You left this
at the post office.
You left this
at the post office.
Uh!
- Off.
- Off.
Look, I just want the same
music system as my sister!
- And look!
- That doesn't do anything.
You need this.
Oh, your sister has
a shoe speaker?
Hold on.
[Device audio flickering]
It's off.
Oh. Okay.
You know, I think I might need
you guys to be here, like, 24-7.
[Birds chirping]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- How'd you sleep?
- Pretty good.
Want some morning music?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Something soft, maybe.
Great.
Well, you didn't--
[Music playing sporadically]
I got to go check something
in the basement.
The guest room
gets really cold, huh?
♪ there's a house
in New Orleans ♪
♪ they call The Rising Sun ♪
- It's not bad.
- Nope.
Not totally professional,
but not bad.
We should warm up
a little, Dave.
Okay.
Al, Al, Al.
Beer belly! Beer belly!
Uh, ah-ah-ah!
- Bone digger.
- Hey, everybody!
Do we say something
when we get up there?
Yeah,
we'll just greet everybody,
and also, you have to look
kind of humble.
You know, just kind of like...
♪ beneath The Rising Sun ♪
And that was the birthday girl!
[Cheers and applause]
Good job! That was great!
- Whoo!
- We loved it.
Next up, we have a duo.
Eddy and Christine,
come on up to the stage.
Oh. We're probably next.
Go get 'em!
[Paul Simon's
You Can Call Me Al playing]
Oh, my God!
- What are they doing?
- It's our song.
Is that allowed?
Is this allowed?
- This is our song.
- We chose this first.
This is our song.
Don't listen.
Both:
♪ man walks down the street ♪
♪ he says why am I soft
in the middle now ♪
♪ why am I soft
in the middle now ♪
♪ the rest of my life
is so hard ♪
I mean, they're not even
singing from their diaphragm.
Hey, Linda,
I just want you to know,
this was our song.
They stole, okay?
That's song-lifting.
You don't do that.
Both:
♪ bone digger, bone digger ♪
- Damn it!
- We have to find another song.
- Dave.
- Just pick something else.
Stop! Calm down. Calm down!
♪ beer belly, beer belly ♪
Ugly Kid Joe?
Do-- do we know Ugly Kid Joe?
- No.
- Jimi Hendrix?
You know all the lyrics?
No, but he plays guitar.
We could just
do the guitar part.
- Bam!
- That was Eddy and Christine.
- Hey, man, that wasn't cool.
- That was our song.
That was our song.
We picked it.
- Thank you.
- "Thank you"?
Next up, we have another duo,
Kath and Dave.
- I'm not going.
- We have to go.
- I'm not going.
- This is our turn.
I don't want to back down.
Come on, let's find something.
Yeah, they're calling
your names!
Give us a minute!
I mean, Dave,
is there any song--
is there any song we know
all the lyrics to?
Kath and Dave, come on.
Meet you up here on the stage.
I got it.
Okay,
and it looks like just Dave
is making his way to the stage.
Now let's hear it.
Here's a song
you might recognize.
Hope you like it.
♪ oh, say can you see ♪
♪ by the dawn's early light ♪
♪ what so proudly we hailed ♪
♪ at the twilight's
last gleaming ♪
♪ whose broad stripes
and bright stars ♪
♪ through the perilous fight ♪
♪ o'er the ramparts we watched ♪
♪ were so gallantly streaming ♪
Yeah! Proud of you!
Kath. Together.
I only want to do this music
with you.
- ♪ and ♪
- ♪ gave proof ♪
Dave, you're my number one man.
You have a beautiful,
beautiful voice.
It only makes me love you more.
Both:
♪ oh say does that ♪
♪ star spangled banner
yet wave ♪
♪ o'er the land of the free ♪
♪ and the home of the ♪
♪ my Dave ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Those are my students!
Happy birthday, Linda.