Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 6 - Fashion - full transcript
"Cease and desist
all Bart Simpson
copyright infringement."
What the hell's that?
That means they want you
to stop making these t-shirts.
It's not funny, Spyke.
It's Matt Groening.
What's Matt Groening?
He's the creator
of the Simpsons,
and he's saying that your shirt
looks like his character Bart.
I think that he looks like
my character Bart.
Spyke, there are laws
about this.
These aren't my laws.
That's my law right there.
Be true.
"Spuke"?
No, I-I told Darren to, like,
make the Y come down,
and he cut it off,
'cause he said
the black isn't gonna show
underneath.
- "Spuke's Law."
- It's Spyke's Law.
- I'll fix it.
- Spyke.
There's a way out of this,
and that's you stop making
the shirts.
I'm not gonna stop.
My body just does this.
This is what I'm meant to do.
I'm meant to make t-shirts.
Then they're gonna sue you.
Great!
Bring on the trial.
We don't have a lawyer.
I'll represent myself.
Let's learn how to be a lawyer.
Let's study.
My client is innocent
of all wrongdoings.
I'd, like, get off so easy.
I hope so, Spyke.
Happy new year.
See you in court,
Matt Groening.
Wow.
Jeans are so expensive.
Yeah, but they're
kind of worth it.
Hey, guys.
Sorry, there's no food or drinks
allowed in the store.
So I'm gonna have to ask you
to throw your coffees
in the garbage.
Well, I'm just gonna
get these jeans,
and we'll be right out.
We don't sell jeans;
we sell denim.
If you want jeans,
there is an Oshkosh B'Gosh
around the corner.
Carrie, do you want to go
to Oshkosh B'Gosh?
Hmm, gosh.
You know what?
I don't.
Let's throw out our coffees,
and we'll initiate
the checkout process.
Okay, this is very full.
Ooh, this is a sharp pant.
You are not allowed
to wash these.
You don't wash raw denim.
- What does "raw" mean?
- Unwashed.
I kind of like to wash
my jeans.
There's a technique
I can show you.
You take a common napkin,
put your index finger,
and then just wipe.
Okay, well, what about, like,
if I spill a little, like,
red wine or water on it?
Just wipe.
You think that's gonna
take off a stain?
- If you get it in time.
- What if you don't?
Well, then,
there's another thing.
What you could do is,
fill up a bathtub with rice,
put the raw denim in there
for 20 minutes,
pull it out, and throw it away,
'cause they are ruined.
Should we just go
someplace else?
Here, I'll change your mind.
Touch 'em.
Just touch 'em.
What's that face for?
It's my "I think I've made
my point" face.
What is this?
It's just--
this is jeans.
Here's the thing
about jeans-- denim.
I'll wear 'em every day.
So you seem like someone
who's really big into fashion,
huh?
I've been getting into it.
- I love fashion.
- Me too.
To me, that's what
separates us from animals.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Sir, you wouldn't know
anything about this.
No, educate me.
I don't think I could start.
It'd be like trying to teach
a lizard
how to cover
a foo fighters song.
Why don't you just buy it
so we can go?
Now, I should educate you
on crotch blowouts.
Halloween is a really big time
at The Dollar Store,
and here's our Halloween section
this year.
This section's
one of our most popular.
It has school supplies, toys,
notions, cosmetics.
Everything that, you know,
a family could need, so...
- All right.
- It's too much.
It's a lot.
My eye, when I see this,
this just--
this is junk.
I would have a really hard time
just coming into the store
and shopping for anything,
you know?
You've really got to change
the layout and--
We want to simplify.
What we do is,
we're branding people.
We transform shops
that are going nowhere.
Mm-hmm.
You need an ad campaign, right?
- Obviously.
- Like, a person or something.
A person would be good.
Who do you have in mind?
Victoria Beckham.
- She'd be great.
- Wow.
She would never do it.
- I love her, though.
- I love her a lot.
I love the idea of
a spokesperson, a model.
Who's the face?
Of The Dollar Store.
Certainly not me.
And certainly not me.
Certainly not me.
Okay, well, this is--
this is great.
We're gonna find you
a Dollar Store girl.
We're gonna find you somebody.
That would be
absolutely excellent.
Okay, see you.
Spyke.
All right, all right,
all right.
All right, so let's hear
the opening remarks.
- Opening remarks?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Your Honor, I'm innocent
of all these charges
of "copyright infridgement
of duplicate imagery."
Throw out the case.
Okay, Spyke.
Really get the term
"copyright infringement" down.
Copy--
copyright infringement.
We're screwed.
Copyright infringement.
Copyright infringement.
Goddamn it.
Infringement.
Dollar Store.
Who could it be?
I don't want anybody
too angular,
you know what I mean?
Maybe something
a little more alien,
a little more soft around--
around the cheeks.
Like an angel
that's got no gender.
What about the slave girl
in the-- in that--
Lupita Nyong'o.
Was she a model?
How is she not a model?
I say absolutely, yeah.
That'd be really good.
Do you have a dollar?
Hey, can I have a dollar?
Oh, my God.
God, she's really beautiful.
She really is.
Look at those bones.
- Hey, do you have a dollar?
- She's fantastic.
- Yeah, I like her a lot.
- Look at her face.
- I know.
- Hey, do you have a dollar?
She's literally screaming
the word "Dollar."
Do you have a dollar?
- Hey, does anyone have a dollar?
- Unbelievable.
She's living
the Dollar lifestyle.
Well, how in the--
She's gonna run away.
How do we get her--
you know.
Do you have a dollar?
Hey, does anyone have a dollar?
Hey, look.
Go get it.
Oh.
- Oh, no.
- Go get it.
Hi.
Has anyone ever told you
that you could be a model?
Uh...
No.
What is your name?
Uh...
Quinn.
Do you like
having things around
and drinking and eating?
Do you have any beer?
It's gonna be a lot of work.
Quinn?
Do you have a dollar?
Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
Good.
Did you order yet?
- What are you wearing?
- It's a hat.
I got it a couple days ago.
I've received
so many compliments.
- You bought that?
- Yeah.
Everywhere I go,
people are like,
"That is such a great hat."
What are hats?
Why would you wear a hat?
What do you mean,
"What are hats?"
I mean, you got those jeans,
and now you've got this hat.
I mean, what's next?
Is there some cape
or some, like,
football shoulders
or something?
I've always been, like,
envious of people
that can pull things off.
That person's pulling off
those cowboy boots.
That person's pulling off
the leather jacket.
I can pull stuff off.
Pull that off, please.
You're being so down
and grumpy about this.
Well, let me ask you this,
then.
When you're on your bicycle,
do people think
you're The Flying Nun?
Don't be mad.
This grumpiness you have,
it's almost like a sickness,
and I would suggest
you get professional help.
I'm sorry.
I'm, like-- It's hard--
I'm distracted.
I missed everything you said
because you've got this,
like, thing.
Please see someone.
Please talk to someone.
Sister Carrie, please.
Okay, I'm out.
Good luck, Fred.
Say hi to everyone
at the convent.
All right, the plaintiff is
the creator of the Simpsons,
Matt Groening,
who's actually from Portland.
Welcome.
What is your claim?
- Your Honor.
- Overruled.
All right, you object,
and I'll sustain
or overrule the objection.
- Okay, I object.
- Overruled.
Proceed.
Your Honor,
this guy has been making
bootleg Simpsons merchandise.
"Bart Skampson."
He is quite a scamp.
Ska-mpson.
Bart Ska-mpson.
Ska?
Like the music, ska?
- Ska.
- Ska.
You know, ska.
I just thought it was
"scamp" misspelled.
You don't know ska?
In all your education,
you've got to go to law school
and everything
and judge school
or whatever it is you go to,
and you don't know
the word "ska"?
Welcome to America, friend.
- Learn music.
- Your Honor.
I do not have a problem,
in general, with bootleg
Simpsons merchandise.
I approve of the Bart Sanchez
and Bart Pimp-son, even.
But this is the worst pun ever.
It's a thinker;
you got to think about it.
As the creator of the Simpsons,
- this makes my eyes hurt.
- What's the problem?
It's completely off model.
Off model of--
from what?
He has-- supposed to have nine
spikes of hair on his head.
- The pupils are the wrong size.
- He's watching the band.
His pupils are looking forward
onto the stage.
They're too big.
Yeah, because he's enjoying
the music.
He's not used to it,
'cause he wants to go see
Beethoven and classical music.
- Oh, the violin.
- This sucks.
In fairness, it's not great.
Your Honor, there are
no damages, really.
I just would like him to stop.
I will never stop.
Right.
The case continues.
You look right here.
Right here.
Okay.
Let me ask you a few questions.
Let's talk about restaurants.
Would you be willing to wait
for a really good restaurant
a half hour
or would you just eat somewhere
kind of crappy
'cause you could get in
right away?
What do you think?
The look on people's faces
when they wait in line,
just like...
It's just--
What are--
Are you going to eat
or to stand quietly?
Have you ever uttered
the phrase "Get off my lawn"?
- No.
- Okay.
I mean...
Yeah, I've said--
but I didn't mean like,
old man, like,
"Get off my lawn!"
I meant more like,
"This is my property,
so get off my lawn."
I'm not gonna sugarcoat this
for you.
You have early onset grumpiness.
What?
Early onset grumpiness, EOG.
You're gonna begin to enjoy
fewer and fewer things
in your life.
You'll be saying things like,
"Who are these people?"
Who are those people?
That's the--
I mean, that's a real question.
The only reason
you'll leave the house
is to see classic old movies,
and even then you'll say,
"It had some good parts,
but all in all,
it was fairly..."
Uneven.
You're very young to have EOG.
Your life is gonna
change forever.
Is there anything I can do?
Normally we try meds,
but you're too young for them.
You seem kind of grumpy.
Are you a grump?
Yeah.
But I'm a very old man.
I'm 83.
I'm sorry.
I'll notify your family.
Don't notify my sister.
She doesn't even pick up
the phone half the time.
She gives people a hard time.
Changed her number
so many goddamn times,
lucky we text at all.
Sorry, I don't quite have
the words for this.
Mom, dad,
I wanted to let you know...
that I'm a cool dresser.
Cool dresser?
So I just want to prepare you,
if we meet for dinner,
I might have gloves on.
If we go to First Thursday
and go to an art gallery,
I might be in a jumper
or a pair of overalls.
- Culottes.
- No.
I might wear a t-shirt
with just one word on it,
and it will have cost
a lot of money.
I also have a motorcycle jacket
that I wear.
- A motorcycle?
- A motorcycle jacket?
Are you driving
a motorcycle now?
No, those are dangerous.
- What's the point?
- Honey.
You got to have a motorcycle
if you got a motorcycle jacket.
So you would rather
have me have a motorcycle
because it makes more sense
with the jacket.
Yeah, it's good
protective wear.
What about that
gore-tex jacket I got you?
You bought me
an extra-large coat.
- Like, that doesn't fit me.
- Needs to be big.
You got to get it over
all your camping gear.
I don't understand.
You go out in that outfit?
Honey, you're not prepared
for anything.
I'm prepared for lunching.
I'm prepared for a Prosecco
at 5:00 PM.
Are you gonna wear that hat
to Thanksgiving?
You're going to be
representing a brand.
You're gonna be The Dollar Girl.
So you got to be ready for it.
You have to interact
with photographers.
You have to stand
in awkward positions and pose.
You got to be sexy but cold
at the same time.
Indifferent, but friendly.
Your eyes got to say "Hello,"
but your face has got to say
"Good-bye."
Can you handle that?
Okay.
Sexier.
No, not in your mouth.
Look at this.
They've delivered fish.
- Oh, don't do that.
- No, sit down.
- Settle down.
- Sit down.
You like her face?
It's exquisite.
- No.
- No, no, no.
That's not--
That's close to model.
Can I get a beer, please?
She used to be very raw,
you know?
Kind of wild.
- You can still see it, though.
- Oh, yeah.
It's raw, but on the way
to sophistication.
I have to take a shit.
No.
That's not model behavior.
No.
Stop it.
Hey, that's cold, lady.
Oh.
How do they make people
like that?
They don't.
We do.
I like that.
Can you make, like,
one of her arms a little longer
kind of like--
like a snake's arm?
Tighten it up,
maybe make the face
a bit smaller.
Ken, what do you think of that?
I like that a lot.
I do too.
♪ Dollar Store ♪
Stupid kids.
Hey.
No loitering.
Go on, beat it.
I'm not gonna beat it.
I mean, this is
anyone's location.
I could be wherever I want.
This is anybody's alley.
Hey, you seem like
something's the matter with you.
What's wrong?
I was just at the doctor,
and I got diagnosed with
early onset grump.
Oh.
Congratulations.
Congratulations?
Yeah.
You got to get out there.
Yeah, yeah, you got to find
things to complain about.
Revel in your grumpiness.
Let it wash over you.
Yeah, yeah,
let the world hassle you.
You mean like get out
and get in line
for really long concerts.
That's it.
At outdoor festivals.
There you go.
I'm gonna judge everybody.
That's right.
Well, come on.
Go to it.
Okay, it was really nice
to meet you.
- Ah-ah-ah.
- Oh.
It was awful meeting you.
Yeah, rotten to meet you too.
Now scram!
All right, I'm scramming.
What a nincompoop.
I'd like to call
my first "witless" to the stand,
Mr. Matt "Groaning."
You said the word "Simpsons"
a lot.
Did you hear that?
Simpsons, Simpsons,
what is that?
The Simpsons is a TV show.
What does that stand for,
"television"?
Yes.
Too long to say "television,"
so you had to shorten it.
And how long you been doing
this television show?
- 26 years.
- 26 years?
Wow.
Will you please mark down--
your stenographer,
is that the word?
That I've been working on
these shirts for 28 years,
two years longer than
you've been doing your TV show,
brought to you by soap.
That's probably not true.
"Probably not true."
A lot of big words, huh?
Is that what they teach you
up there in Harvard?
"Yeah, it's probably not true."
Is it possible this is a case
of parallel thought?
I don't think so.
You do a whole lot
of thinking, don't you?
What about creating?
Did you ever draw a smiley face?
Yes.
So why don't you sue everybody
for making smiley faces?
I didn't invent
the smiley face.
I invented Bart Simpson.
But you didn't invent
Bart Ska-mpson,
did ya?
No.
The jury rests.
Let's all mosh.
- Come on, Iris.
- No.
Come on, everybody.
This is
very embarrassing, Spyke.
Come on!
I'm a lawyer.
Wow, it's a new ad campaign
for The Dollar Store.
Huh.
She looks familiar.
Expect a high near 52 degrees.
Clear tonight with a low near--
Hi, you have a dollar, please?
Anyone have a dollar?
Hi, you have a dollar, please?
Hey, do you have a dollar?
You have a dol--
Wow, thank you very much.
Hey.
We've got enough dollars
to get ourselves a--
♪ money for beer ♪
♪ I've got money for beer ♪
♪ but what kind of use
is a dollar ♪
♪ my whole world got smaller ♪
By half.
♪ money for beer ♪
♪ I've got money for beer ♪
♪ I'd give up
all of my dollars ♪
For some familiar squalor.
♪ and you ♪
♪ all this change
just doesn't add up ♪
♪ who needs anything
more than a buck ♪
♪ I'm okay being broke ♪
♪ but not brokenhearted ♪
♪ I miss getting drunk
and acting retarded ♪
♪ money for beer ♪
♪ I've got money for beer ♪
♪ but it doesn't take
a scholar ♪
♪ to see I'm short a dollar ♪
♪ and that dollar ♪
♪ is you ♪
Hey, Carrie.
Hey.
Listen, um...
I got diagnosed
with early onset grumpism.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
Gosh.
I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry about
all those things I said to you.
That's the disease talking.
Well, that makes sense.
It's a real thing.
I accept your apology.
Well, I thought to
make up for it,
it'd be really great if we went
to, like, a music festival.
- Pickathon is coming up.
- Oh, yeah.
So I thought we could
go to that,
and, like, I could complain
about, like, all the long lines
and the crowds and the food
and all the bands, you know?
Oh, and I could buy
a new outfit,
and maybe I'd get photographed
for a fashion blog.
Yes.
It's perfect.
It's a great way
for us to be ourselves
and still stay friends.
You're right.
Okay, I'm gonna go get in line
for tickets.
All right.
So why don't you stay here
and finish cleaning my jeans?
All right.
It's a deal.
All right.
Stupid cleaning.
Do you have a--
Oh, never mind.
Hey.
Who are you?
- Jeffrey, it's Quinn.
- Quinn?
I thought I wasn't gonna
see you again.
Well, here I am.
I really missed you, you know.
I really missed you too.
Are you going away again?
I don't want to go away again.
I belong with you.
I think you're gonna
make me cry.
I think you are gonna cry.
Well, do you have a dollar?
Yeah.
Actually, I have $80,000.
We could buy beers.
Yeah, we should buy some beers.
This is one of
the easiest decisions
I've ever had to make.
The court finds in favor--
Wait, wait.
Sorry.
Your Honor, I'd like to call
a second witness.
Proceed.
Please state your full name
for the court.
Bartholomew J Simpson.
Bart Simpson.
Hey, Spyke.
Long time no see, man.
What's going on?
So were you or were you not
my neighbor in the early '80s?
Yes, we were neighbors.
And Bart, what was your
favorite kind of music?
Uh...
ska.
And remind me,
did I have a nickname for you
because of ska?
Yes, you did.
Bart Ska-mpson,
The Original Rude Boy.
Bark Ska-mpson,
The Original Rude Boy.
Hi, Bart.
Oh, hey, you went to
Evergreen State, right?
Building A, fifth floor.
You two went to college
together?
Yeah.
This is the guy
that taught me how to ollie.
Just put a star
next to "ollie."
That's one of the words
that we'll look up later.
So we do appear to have
a case here
of parallel thinking.
You invented Bart Ska-mpson
based on knowing this man.
Yeah, him, right there.
Ay caramba.
Son.
You invented Bart Simpson also,
evidently,
based on knowing this man.
Apparently, yes.
Wait, is there
a sketch artist here
who can sketch me doing that?
Mr. Groening,
if Mr. Groening
were willing to draw you.
I would prefer not to.
We're all looking
for the truth here.
If you would draw him,
that would be great.
I'm gonna give you an overbite.
- That's fine.
- This is awesome.
This could actually be
worth something.
Come on.
What have we got?
That's pretty good.
Wow.
I'm jealous.
I will agree to stop making
these Bart Ska-mpsons
as long as I have the rights
to make a whole bunch of these.
The drawing was a gift
from Mr. Groening.
That doesn't give him
the right to make more t-shirts.
That's why I'm here
in the first place.
If you would like to appeal
this decision,
come back to Portland.
We'd be thrilled to have you
in the courtroom any time.
This was a treat.
This is my worst nightmare.
Case dismissed.
Is that skanking or moshing?
Skanking.
♪ I won my case ♪
♪ blap ♪
♪ I won my case ♪
Spyke.
We're-- we're enjoying it.
It's okay.
♪ I won my case ♪
♪ I won my case ♪
♪ I won my, my, my, one my case ♪
I hope you don't
get sued by The Specials.
all Bart Simpson
copyright infringement."
What the hell's that?
That means they want you
to stop making these t-shirts.
It's not funny, Spyke.
It's Matt Groening.
What's Matt Groening?
He's the creator
of the Simpsons,
and he's saying that your shirt
looks like his character Bart.
I think that he looks like
my character Bart.
Spyke, there are laws
about this.
These aren't my laws.
That's my law right there.
Be true.
"Spuke"?
No, I-I told Darren to, like,
make the Y come down,
and he cut it off,
'cause he said
the black isn't gonna show
underneath.
- "Spuke's Law."
- It's Spyke's Law.
- I'll fix it.
- Spyke.
There's a way out of this,
and that's you stop making
the shirts.
I'm not gonna stop.
My body just does this.
This is what I'm meant to do.
I'm meant to make t-shirts.
Then they're gonna sue you.
Great!
Bring on the trial.
We don't have a lawyer.
I'll represent myself.
Let's learn how to be a lawyer.
Let's study.
My client is innocent
of all wrongdoings.
I'd, like, get off so easy.
I hope so, Spyke.
Happy new year.
See you in court,
Matt Groening.
Wow.
Jeans are so expensive.
Yeah, but they're
kind of worth it.
Hey, guys.
Sorry, there's no food or drinks
allowed in the store.
So I'm gonna have to ask you
to throw your coffees
in the garbage.
Well, I'm just gonna
get these jeans,
and we'll be right out.
We don't sell jeans;
we sell denim.
If you want jeans,
there is an Oshkosh B'Gosh
around the corner.
Carrie, do you want to go
to Oshkosh B'Gosh?
Hmm, gosh.
You know what?
I don't.
Let's throw out our coffees,
and we'll initiate
the checkout process.
Okay, this is very full.
Ooh, this is a sharp pant.
You are not allowed
to wash these.
You don't wash raw denim.
- What does "raw" mean?
- Unwashed.
I kind of like to wash
my jeans.
There's a technique
I can show you.
You take a common napkin,
put your index finger,
and then just wipe.
Okay, well, what about, like,
if I spill a little, like,
red wine or water on it?
Just wipe.
You think that's gonna
take off a stain?
- If you get it in time.
- What if you don't?
Well, then,
there's another thing.
What you could do is,
fill up a bathtub with rice,
put the raw denim in there
for 20 minutes,
pull it out, and throw it away,
'cause they are ruined.
Should we just go
someplace else?
Here, I'll change your mind.
Touch 'em.
Just touch 'em.
What's that face for?
It's my "I think I've made
my point" face.
What is this?
It's just--
this is jeans.
Here's the thing
about jeans-- denim.
I'll wear 'em every day.
So you seem like someone
who's really big into fashion,
huh?
I've been getting into it.
- I love fashion.
- Me too.
To me, that's what
separates us from animals.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Sir, you wouldn't know
anything about this.
No, educate me.
I don't think I could start.
It'd be like trying to teach
a lizard
how to cover
a foo fighters song.
Why don't you just buy it
so we can go?
Now, I should educate you
on crotch blowouts.
Halloween is a really big time
at The Dollar Store,
and here's our Halloween section
this year.
This section's
one of our most popular.
It has school supplies, toys,
notions, cosmetics.
Everything that, you know,
a family could need, so...
- All right.
- It's too much.
It's a lot.
My eye, when I see this,
this just--
this is junk.
I would have a really hard time
just coming into the store
and shopping for anything,
you know?
You've really got to change
the layout and--
We want to simplify.
What we do is,
we're branding people.
We transform shops
that are going nowhere.
Mm-hmm.
You need an ad campaign, right?
- Obviously.
- Like, a person or something.
A person would be good.
Who do you have in mind?
Victoria Beckham.
- She'd be great.
- Wow.
She would never do it.
- I love her, though.
- I love her a lot.
I love the idea of
a spokesperson, a model.
Who's the face?
Of The Dollar Store.
Certainly not me.
And certainly not me.
Certainly not me.
Okay, well, this is--
this is great.
We're gonna find you
a Dollar Store girl.
We're gonna find you somebody.
That would be
absolutely excellent.
Okay, see you.
Spyke.
All right, all right,
all right.
All right, so let's hear
the opening remarks.
- Opening remarks?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Your Honor, I'm innocent
of all these charges
of "copyright infridgement
of duplicate imagery."
Throw out the case.
Okay, Spyke.
Really get the term
"copyright infringement" down.
Copy--
copyright infringement.
We're screwed.
Copyright infringement.
Copyright infringement.
Goddamn it.
Infringement.
Dollar Store.
Who could it be?
I don't want anybody
too angular,
you know what I mean?
Maybe something
a little more alien,
a little more soft around--
around the cheeks.
Like an angel
that's got no gender.
What about the slave girl
in the-- in that--
Lupita Nyong'o.
Was she a model?
How is she not a model?
I say absolutely, yeah.
That'd be really good.
Do you have a dollar?
Hey, can I have a dollar?
Oh, my God.
God, she's really beautiful.
She really is.
Look at those bones.
- Hey, do you have a dollar?
- She's fantastic.
- Yeah, I like her a lot.
- Look at her face.
- I know.
- Hey, do you have a dollar?
She's literally screaming
the word "Dollar."
Do you have a dollar?
- Hey, does anyone have a dollar?
- Unbelievable.
She's living
the Dollar lifestyle.
Well, how in the--
She's gonna run away.
How do we get her--
you know.
Do you have a dollar?
Hey, does anyone have a dollar?
Hey, look.
Go get it.
Oh.
- Oh, no.
- Go get it.
Hi.
Has anyone ever told you
that you could be a model?
Uh...
No.
What is your name?
Uh...
Quinn.
Do you like
having things around
and drinking and eating?
Do you have any beer?
It's gonna be a lot of work.
Quinn?
Do you have a dollar?
Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
Good.
Did you order yet?
- What are you wearing?
- It's a hat.
I got it a couple days ago.
I've received
so many compliments.
- You bought that?
- Yeah.
Everywhere I go,
people are like,
"That is such a great hat."
What are hats?
Why would you wear a hat?
What do you mean,
"What are hats?"
I mean, you got those jeans,
and now you've got this hat.
I mean, what's next?
Is there some cape
or some, like,
football shoulders
or something?
I've always been, like,
envious of people
that can pull things off.
That person's pulling off
those cowboy boots.
That person's pulling off
the leather jacket.
I can pull stuff off.
Pull that off, please.
You're being so down
and grumpy about this.
Well, let me ask you this,
then.
When you're on your bicycle,
do people think
you're The Flying Nun?
Don't be mad.
This grumpiness you have,
it's almost like a sickness,
and I would suggest
you get professional help.
I'm sorry.
I'm, like-- It's hard--
I'm distracted.
I missed everything you said
because you've got this,
like, thing.
Please see someone.
Please talk to someone.
Sister Carrie, please.
Okay, I'm out.
Good luck, Fred.
Say hi to everyone
at the convent.
All right, the plaintiff is
the creator of the Simpsons,
Matt Groening,
who's actually from Portland.
Welcome.
What is your claim?
- Your Honor.
- Overruled.
All right, you object,
and I'll sustain
or overrule the objection.
- Okay, I object.
- Overruled.
Proceed.
Your Honor,
this guy has been making
bootleg Simpsons merchandise.
"Bart Skampson."
He is quite a scamp.
Ska-mpson.
Bart Ska-mpson.
Ska?
Like the music, ska?
- Ska.
- Ska.
You know, ska.
I just thought it was
"scamp" misspelled.
You don't know ska?
In all your education,
you've got to go to law school
and everything
and judge school
or whatever it is you go to,
and you don't know
the word "ska"?
Welcome to America, friend.
- Learn music.
- Your Honor.
I do not have a problem,
in general, with bootleg
Simpsons merchandise.
I approve of the Bart Sanchez
and Bart Pimp-son, even.
But this is the worst pun ever.
It's a thinker;
you got to think about it.
As the creator of the Simpsons,
- this makes my eyes hurt.
- What's the problem?
It's completely off model.
Off model of--
from what?
He has-- supposed to have nine
spikes of hair on his head.
- The pupils are the wrong size.
- He's watching the band.
His pupils are looking forward
onto the stage.
They're too big.
Yeah, because he's enjoying
the music.
He's not used to it,
'cause he wants to go see
Beethoven and classical music.
- Oh, the violin.
- This sucks.
In fairness, it's not great.
Your Honor, there are
no damages, really.
I just would like him to stop.
I will never stop.
Right.
The case continues.
You look right here.
Right here.
Okay.
Let me ask you a few questions.
Let's talk about restaurants.
Would you be willing to wait
for a really good restaurant
a half hour
or would you just eat somewhere
kind of crappy
'cause you could get in
right away?
What do you think?
The look on people's faces
when they wait in line,
just like...
It's just--
What are--
Are you going to eat
or to stand quietly?
Have you ever uttered
the phrase "Get off my lawn"?
- No.
- Okay.
I mean...
Yeah, I've said--
but I didn't mean like,
old man, like,
"Get off my lawn!"
I meant more like,
"This is my property,
so get off my lawn."
I'm not gonna sugarcoat this
for you.
You have early onset grumpiness.
What?
Early onset grumpiness, EOG.
You're gonna begin to enjoy
fewer and fewer things
in your life.
You'll be saying things like,
"Who are these people?"
Who are those people?
That's the--
I mean, that's a real question.
The only reason
you'll leave the house
is to see classic old movies,
and even then you'll say,
"It had some good parts,
but all in all,
it was fairly..."
Uneven.
You're very young to have EOG.
Your life is gonna
change forever.
Is there anything I can do?
Normally we try meds,
but you're too young for them.
You seem kind of grumpy.
Are you a grump?
Yeah.
But I'm a very old man.
I'm 83.
I'm sorry.
I'll notify your family.
Don't notify my sister.
She doesn't even pick up
the phone half the time.
She gives people a hard time.
Changed her number
so many goddamn times,
lucky we text at all.
Sorry, I don't quite have
the words for this.
Mom, dad,
I wanted to let you know...
that I'm a cool dresser.
Cool dresser?
So I just want to prepare you,
if we meet for dinner,
I might have gloves on.
If we go to First Thursday
and go to an art gallery,
I might be in a jumper
or a pair of overalls.
- Culottes.
- No.
I might wear a t-shirt
with just one word on it,
and it will have cost
a lot of money.
I also have a motorcycle jacket
that I wear.
- A motorcycle?
- A motorcycle jacket?
Are you driving
a motorcycle now?
No, those are dangerous.
- What's the point?
- Honey.
You got to have a motorcycle
if you got a motorcycle jacket.
So you would rather
have me have a motorcycle
because it makes more sense
with the jacket.
Yeah, it's good
protective wear.
What about that
gore-tex jacket I got you?
You bought me
an extra-large coat.
- Like, that doesn't fit me.
- Needs to be big.
You got to get it over
all your camping gear.
I don't understand.
You go out in that outfit?
Honey, you're not prepared
for anything.
I'm prepared for lunching.
I'm prepared for a Prosecco
at 5:00 PM.
Are you gonna wear that hat
to Thanksgiving?
You're going to be
representing a brand.
You're gonna be The Dollar Girl.
So you got to be ready for it.
You have to interact
with photographers.
You have to stand
in awkward positions and pose.
You got to be sexy but cold
at the same time.
Indifferent, but friendly.
Your eyes got to say "Hello,"
but your face has got to say
"Good-bye."
Can you handle that?
Okay.
Sexier.
No, not in your mouth.
Look at this.
They've delivered fish.
- Oh, don't do that.
- No, sit down.
- Settle down.
- Sit down.
You like her face?
It's exquisite.
- No.
- No, no, no.
That's not--
That's close to model.
Can I get a beer, please?
She used to be very raw,
you know?
Kind of wild.
- You can still see it, though.
- Oh, yeah.
It's raw, but on the way
to sophistication.
I have to take a shit.
No.
That's not model behavior.
No.
Stop it.
Hey, that's cold, lady.
Oh.
How do they make people
like that?
They don't.
We do.
I like that.
Can you make, like,
one of her arms a little longer
kind of like--
like a snake's arm?
Tighten it up,
maybe make the face
a bit smaller.
Ken, what do you think of that?
I like that a lot.
I do too.
♪ Dollar Store ♪
Stupid kids.
Hey.
No loitering.
Go on, beat it.
I'm not gonna beat it.
I mean, this is
anyone's location.
I could be wherever I want.
This is anybody's alley.
Hey, you seem like
something's the matter with you.
What's wrong?
I was just at the doctor,
and I got diagnosed with
early onset grump.
Oh.
Congratulations.
Congratulations?
Yeah.
You got to get out there.
Yeah, yeah, you got to find
things to complain about.
Revel in your grumpiness.
Let it wash over you.
Yeah, yeah,
let the world hassle you.
You mean like get out
and get in line
for really long concerts.
That's it.
At outdoor festivals.
There you go.
I'm gonna judge everybody.
That's right.
Well, come on.
Go to it.
Okay, it was really nice
to meet you.
- Ah-ah-ah.
- Oh.
It was awful meeting you.
Yeah, rotten to meet you too.
Now scram!
All right, I'm scramming.
What a nincompoop.
I'd like to call
my first "witless" to the stand,
Mr. Matt "Groaning."
You said the word "Simpsons"
a lot.
Did you hear that?
Simpsons, Simpsons,
what is that?
The Simpsons is a TV show.
What does that stand for,
"television"?
Yes.
Too long to say "television,"
so you had to shorten it.
And how long you been doing
this television show?
- 26 years.
- 26 years?
Wow.
Will you please mark down--
your stenographer,
is that the word?
That I've been working on
these shirts for 28 years,
two years longer than
you've been doing your TV show,
brought to you by soap.
That's probably not true.
"Probably not true."
A lot of big words, huh?
Is that what they teach you
up there in Harvard?
"Yeah, it's probably not true."
Is it possible this is a case
of parallel thought?
I don't think so.
You do a whole lot
of thinking, don't you?
What about creating?
Did you ever draw a smiley face?
Yes.
So why don't you sue everybody
for making smiley faces?
I didn't invent
the smiley face.
I invented Bart Simpson.
But you didn't invent
Bart Ska-mpson,
did ya?
No.
The jury rests.
Let's all mosh.
- Come on, Iris.
- No.
Come on, everybody.
This is
very embarrassing, Spyke.
Come on!
I'm a lawyer.
Wow, it's a new ad campaign
for The Dollar Store.
Huh.
She looks familiar.
Expect a high near 52 degrees.
Clear tonight with a low near--
Hi, you have a dollar, please?
Anyone have a dollar?
Hi, you have a dollar, please?
Hey, do you have a dollar?
You have a dol--
Wow, thank you very much.
Hey.
We've got enough dollars
to get ourselves a--
♪ money for beer ♪
♪ I've got money for beer ♪
♪ but what kind of use
is a dollar ♪
♪ my whole world got smaller ♪
By half.
♪ money for beer ♪
♪ I've got money for beer ♪
♪ I'd give up
all of my dollars ♪
For some familiar squalor.
♪ and you ♪
♪ all this change
just doesn't add up ♪
♪ who needs anything
more than a buck ♪
♪ I'm okay being broke ♪
♪ but not brokenhearted ♪
♪ I miss getting drunk
and acting retarded ♪
♪ money for beer ♪
♪ I've got money for beer ♪
♪ but it doesn't take
a scholar ♪
♪ to see I'm short a dollar ♪
♪ and that dollar ♪
♪ is you ♪
Hey, Carrie.
Hey.
Listen, um...
I got diagnosed
with early onset grumpism.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
Gosh.
I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry about
all those things I said to you.
That's the disease talking.
Well, that makes sense.
It's a real thing.
I accept your apology.
Well, I thought to
make up for it,
it'd be really great if we went
to, like, a music festival.
- Pickathon is coming up.
- Oh, yeah.
So I thought we could
go to that,
and, like, I could complain
about, like, all the long lines
and the crowds and the food
and all the bands, you know?
Oh, and I could buy
a new outfit,
and maybe I'd get photographed
for a fashion blog.
Yes.
It's perfect.
It's a great way
for us to be ourselves
and still stay friends.
You're right.
Okay, I'm gonna go get in line
for tickets.
All right.
So why don't you stay here
and finish cleaning my jeans?
All right.
It's a deal.
All right.
Stupid cleaning.
Do you have a--
Oh, never mind.
Hey.
Who are you?
- Jeffrey, it's Quinn.
- Quinn?
I thought I wasn't gonna
see you again.
Well, here I am.
I really missed you, you know.
I really missed you too.
Are you going away again?
I don't want to go away again.
I belong with you.
I think you're gonna
make me cry.
I think you are gonna cry.
Well, do you have a dollar?
Yeah.
Actually, I have $80,000.
We could buy beers.
Yeah, we should buy some beers.
This is one of
the easiest decisions
I've ever had to make.
The court finds in favor--
Wait, wait.
Sorry.
Your Honor, I'd like to call
a second witness.
Proceed.
Please state your full name
for the court.
Bartholomew J Simpson.
Bart Simpson.
Hey, Spyke.
Long time no see, man.
What's going on?
So were you or were you not
my neighbor in the early '80s?
Yes, we were neighbors.
And Bart, what was your
favorite kind of music?
Uh...
ska.
And remind me,
did I have a nickname for you
because of ska?
Yes, you did.
Bart Ska-mpson,
The Original Rude Boy.
Bark Ska-mpson,
The Original Rude Boy.
Hi, Bart.
Oh, hey, you went to
Evergreen State, right?
Building A, fifth floor.
You two went to college
together?
Yeah.
This is the guy
that taught me how to ollie.
Just put a star
next to "ollie."
That's one of the words
that we'll look up later.
So we do appear to have
a case here
of parallel thinking.
You invented Bart Ska-mpson
based on knowing this man.
Yeah, him, right there.
Ay caramba.
Son.
You invented Bart Simpson also,
evidently,
based on knowing this man.
Apparently, yes.
Wait, is there
a sketch artist here
who can sketch me doing that?
Mr. Groening,
if Mr. Groening
were willing to draw you.
I would prefer not to.
We're all looking
for the truth here.
If you would draw him,
that would be great.
I'm gonna give you an overbite.
- That's fine.
- This is awesome.
This could actually be
worth something.
Come on.
What have we got?
That's pretty good.
Wow.
I'm jealous.
I will agree to stop making
these Bart Ska-mpsons
as long as I have the rights
to make a whole bunch of these.
The drawing was a gift
from Mr. Groening.
That doesn't give him
the right to make more t-shirts.
That's why I'm here
in the first place.
If you would like to appeal
this decision,
come back to Portland.
We'd be thrilled to have you
in the courtroom any time.
This was a treat.
This is my worst nightmare.
Case dismissed.
Is that skanking or moshing?
Skanking.
♪ I won my case ♪
♪ blap ♪
♪ I won my case ♪
Spyke.
We're-- we're enjoying it.
It's okay.
♪ I won my case ♪
♪ I won my case ♪
♪ I won my, my, my, one my case ♪
I hope you don't
get sued by The Specials.