Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Fiancée - full transcript

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Portlandia - S05E02
The Fiance

Okay, what brings you in here today?

Well, um, we've been dating
for, like, three or four years.

And I'm in my prime.

I'm very beautiful now

and I think I'm looking really good.

And, like, I'm thinking it would be nice

to take it to the next step

and, like, you know, maybe think
about getting married.

Every time I bring it up,

Lance just doesn't
even want to talk about it.

Well, Lance, what is it about marriage

that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Marriage is for pussies.

There's, like, jewelry involved.

I don't care about rings
and stuff like that.

It's like, we're committed.

I don't understand why there
nes to be something official

ordained by some random third person.

- See?
- And, Nina, what...

what is it that... that you want from this?

I just don't want him to be
so stressed out all the time,

and he seems like he wants to fight.

And, like, whenever I bring it up,
he, like, doesn't want to confront it.

And, like, I think something's, like,

bothering him or something.

Okay. Um...

This weekend...

My mom's coming to visit.

And she's bringing some guy
that she's dating.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

That's the elephant in the room.

Is that a problem with you,
about your mom having a boyfriend?

Well, it's just, like,
she always has boyfriends.

I just... I don't want...
I'm tired of meeting, like, random dudes

that just, like, come in
and out of her life.

How many times has your mom been married?

She's been married five times.

- That's significant.
- It is significant.

It's too many.

So and this is what's got you
upset about the marriage thing

with you and Nina.

I don't know.
Why are you over-analyzing it?

He's an analyst.
That what... that's his job.

That's what he's getting paid for.

What do you say, Nina?

I think this is really good.

And I think it's really good
that Lance is talking

and expressing his feelings.

And I think it's good for Lance to realize

that, you know, like, I'm not your mother.

- I know.
- I'm not your mother.

- I know.
- I'm Nina.

That's our time, guys.

I'm gonna wish you guys good luck
and hope everything works out for you.

So when are they coming down?

I just texted her.
They're supposed to be down.

You know what'd be cool?

Like, wouldn't it be good if she's, like,
dating, like, a Hawaiian guy?

- Why?
- I don't know.

They've got so many cool things in their
culture like pineapples and poi and lei.

I promise you this guy is from San Diego,

he's from Fresno, or he's from Phoenix.

- Hmm.
- That's where old people live.

Trust me. It's just not a big deal.

Just hang out with him for a couple days

and we'll never see him again.

- Oh, there they are.
- Oh.

- Hi.
- Hey, mom.

Hi, sweetheart. I'm so happy to see you.

It's been too long. And look at you.

- Oh, you like my dress?
- Oh, you're gorgeous.

You're gorgeous.

Honey, this is Justin.

'Sup? I'm Justin.

- I'm Lance.
- Put her there.

- Firm grip.
- Yeah, you too, Kemosabe.

- You work out?
- Yeah.

- You've got a hell of a mom here.
- You don't have to tell me that.

Well, just in case you forget.

Oh, I'm never going to forget.
So you don't forget.

All righ

Whoa.

Welcome to Portland, Justin.

Hey, how'd you guys meet?

She was waiting tables at this diner,

and I came in,
ordered some pancakes, and...

One thing led to another, you know?

- And now he's looking after my car.
- Sure am.

- Mom, I can take care of your car.
- Oh, I know, honey. But you're busy.

I don't want to bother you.

Besides, Lance, this is a '96
corvette we're talking about.

It doesn't exactly take care of itself.

Yeah, I know what it is.
I bought it for her.

Oh, really? So you like teal?

No. Mom, I told you.
You should've got black.

Well, that wouldn't have really
matched her eyes, now, would it have?

Why don't you stop talking
about my mom's eyes?

Well, you want me to talk
about her other assets?

Listen, Shutterbug,
how about you shut your mug?

- What'd you call me?
- Sit down!

What's going on with him?

We're in a public Chinese garden!

Jeez, he's just being
so possessive of my mom.

So what? Let them have their fun.

Look at them. It's just grossing me out.

What's gross? They're happy.
It's nice. I really like it.

Look, he's paying attention to her.

Oh, that's nice.

Just let her have her life.

- Okay, you can't, like, marry your mother.
- I know. Gross.

Right, but there's
other people you can marry.

- You know what I'm talking about?
- Yes.

- Do you understand me?
- Yes.

- Look at me.
- I am looking at you.

No, harder.

I'm looking at you so hard right now.

Okay, well, that's what I want.

- Okay.
- Be right back.

Say, "cheeseburger."

Listen, Lance.
We got to talk about something.

What?

That lady over there isn't just my lover.

She's also my muse.

I wouldn't be able to do this without her.

So I got to ask you something
really important.

Lance, I need your permission
to ask her to marry me, all right?

I'm not gonna do it
without getting your permission.

I need it.

Hopefully one day I'll be able to put that
in my family photo album.

All right?

Don't think of me like a stepdad.

Think of me more like a biological dad.

This is bullshit.

Of course. Big surprise.

Justin wants to marry my mom.
Well, guess what.

I'm not giving my permission. This sucks!

It's just like I'm being replaced.

I do everything for my mom.
Her car, her house.

And this little Shutterbug's
just gonna come in

and he's just gonna be like,
"oh, now I'm gonna do this."

You know what? He's not.

I'm done with it.
I'm not giving permission.

I'm not gonna make myself
into some little best friend

for some new dad that, like,
comes in and is just like,

"come here, Lance.
I'm gonna be your new dad."

And then is just leaving all over again.

Ah, now we're getting
to the core of the apple.

I'm sensing some anger, Lance.

Yeah, no shit, Cosby Mysteries,I am angry.

I mean, this is just
a shitty, shitty situation.

So shitty, shitty.

Well, you know, it might be
that you have this shitty attitude

and that's what's bringing on this shit.

No, I'm just reiterating how shitty it is.

We're just sitting here in a big
pile of shit that Justin took.

Now we're all just wallowing in.

Well, what we're gonna have to do...

we're gonna have to find a hose
and was up all this shit

and get started brand-new.

- Well, he's got some hose, by the way.
- That's interesting.

Well, maybe you could, like,
take some time

and maybe get to know him a little bit.

You know, just hang out with him.

Ah, that's a great idea. I love that.

I mean, you could go hang out with him

and, like, I could just go hang
out with your mom or something.

Take her shopping.
You guys could go to a carnival.

Aha, carnival.

Fine, I'll hang out with him.
But I'm not making any guarantee.

Well, I'm not asking you
to make a promise,

because I'm not the one that has to
deal with this for the rest of my life.

That's gonna be the end of this session.

Okay. Lance, wait.

Oh.

Tell me how it's been with Justin.

I've never felt happier in my life.

I feel like a teenager.

You deserve it.

You deserve to be happy,

because you're a good person.

Oh, you like them? Oh, yeah.

Well, how are things with Lance?

And no disrespect to your son,

but, like, he needs
to do something, like, major,

'cause I like the idea of, like,
being, like, a wife.

Honey, he's scared to really open up.

What's he scared of? What am I gonna do?

It's like, "I'm scared." Of what?

What am I, like, a monster?

Like, a ghost monster on Halloween?

Like I'm gonna pop out of, like,
a pumpkin or something like that.

Like, I'm a, like... I'm me.
Like, I'm not gonna do anything.

Pretty good.

I think they're perfect.

Have you ever been proposed to?

- Oh, yeah.
- You have?

- Five times.
- I can't believe it.

That's never happened to me at all.

- No one's ever proposed to you?
- No.

- Aw.
- Of course not.

Well, if I was a guy,

I definitely would propose to you.

You seem like a real catch.

- You would?
- Mm-hmm.

What would you do?

- Like, if you were to propose to me...
- Oh, boy.

Like, what's a Creative thing
you would do?

I don't know; If I was ever
to propose to somebody,

it'd probably be, like, skywriting.

- That would be so cool.
- I think so too.

Wouldn't you love that as a woman?

Could you imagine?

It can happen. It really can.

That'd be such a dream.

Mm-hmm.

"Will you marry me, Nina?"

This is pretty cool, man.

Move in. Move in.

Yes!

- Nice!
- Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Welcome to manhood.

You just swipe it down.

Don't be afraid of a little blood.

You want to take that?

There you go.

There you go.

That looks cool.

You can marry my mom.

Thanks, son.

Ah, now we got
another elephant in the room.

- What?
- It's your mustache.

- What about it?
- Where is it?

- I shaved it.
- You just shaved it?

Yeah, with Justin. We were bonding.

Oh, it's so weird.
I can't even look at you.

- What do you mean?
- I can't even tell...

- are you looking at me?
- Yeah.

This mustache thing seems like
it's really hanging you up.

Yeah.

Would you think Lance would look better

with the mustache again,
like the way mine is?

If Lance had his mustache back...
I mean, it'd be easier to talk to him.

- For sure.
- Here you go.

Rip!

Pop!

- Now, does that make you feel better?
- That's better. I appreciate it.

- Thanks for doing that.
- Okay. Now where were we?

Like, everybody everywhere
is just being proposed to.

And, like, what am I?
Just, like, some prop?

Some, like, mannequin just,
like, standing around?

Okay, fine. You know what?

Nina, will you marry me?
That's not what I mean.

Don't be an idiot.
That's the meanest thing.

That's not a proposal.

You got to do something with,
like, some imagination.

You've got to, like,
do something, like, on live TV

or, like, flowers and balloons and...

there's so many things you could do.

What she's trying to say...
she needs a little romance.

A little?

I need, like, some real gestures here.

You're not talking about romance.

You're talking about spectacle.

Lance, I'm the love of your life.

You have to put some thought into it.

Yeah, I have put thought into it,

and it will never be good enough.

I just proposed. Nothing I do
will ever be satisfying to you.

I'm out of here.

That was your prop...
that was a real proposal?

Well, that's the end of the session.
Time's up. But wait.

We got... we got another 20 minutes.
I'm sorry.

Thank you so much for meeting with me.

I've been dating this girl
for a couple months now.

I finally got permission from her son
to pop the question.

So I was just gonna, like,
propose to her really simple.

But her friends all kind of
made fun of me.

And they're like, "no, no,
you got to go see these guys."

Those are good friends you have.

They gave you the right advice.

You've come to the right place.

I mean, what we do is
wedding proposal videos.

We've got lots of equipment.

Lots of GoPros we'll put in everywhere.

We're GoPro crazy.

We're big into horror movies, all right?

And so I was just gonna, like,
jump out of a bush

and, like, take off the mask and be like,
"will you marry me?"

- It's a little short.
- Mm-hmm.

So you like horror movies. I mean...

You could do a sort of Frankenstein thing.

What if you show up in the living room

and you've got these bolts?

And you're like...

Unscrew it and like, "look in here."

She's like, "what? What's in there?"

It's a little note. Pull out the note.

"Go down to the dungeon!"

We'll have GoPros all over the place.

And it's all your relatives
dressed up as Dracula.

You know, they're all a little overweight.

Some of them are, like, not good
at acting, looking at the camera.

They all say a word, like...

He wants you to know

that you are beautiful,

and we should sometime soon
get married please.

You see, these are ideas
that I would never have,

so thank you very much.

This is really cool.

Oh, you know what we could do?

We love, like, police shows,
like, cop shows, stuff like that.

- What kind of shows do you mean?
- You know, like, Dateline or, like,

those shows about where cops...
where, like, somebody goes missing.

We set up an Amber Alert.

You guys get a notification on your phone.

This is great.

You guys are the lucky ones
that actually identify the car.

- You're in the drama.
- Boom.

- That's the car!
- Wait. Hold on.

That license plate.

Honey, I got to get on this.

This is gonna be the best proposal

and best proposal video ever.

I'm in. Let's do this.

- Great.
- Well, thank you.

Let me know what I got to do
from my end and...

Don't worry. Just... we'll text you.

There she is.

Hey, friends and family,

welcome to the big day.

I'm gonna go wake her up now.

Psst. Psst.

Hey. Morning.

How do you feel about
the possibilities of today?

- What are you up to?
- Nothing.

Just waking up with my angel.

Here I am.

Say it again?

- What are you doing?
- Just... come on.

What is that?

How do I know the groom?
How do I know the bride?

The bride's my mom.

That's a dumb question.

The groom I just met.

He's, like, a new guy in my mom's life.

Is there a problem?

Yeah, I didn't get that quite.

This is on. Channel 2 is on.

Will you say something again?

Hey, I got to be somewhere.

Memory card. Okay, the memory's card's...

- Can we just film this, please?
- Okay. How would you describe your mom?

She's my favorite.

I mean, she's always been there for me.

- And I've always...
- I'm sorry.

This is on pause.

Hey, asshole.

- Come on, I don't have all day here.
- Ah, there we go.

Do you have someone who you love?

You got... you have a girlfriend?

- I have a girlfriend, yeah.
- Uh-huh.

- What's her name?
- Nina.

And how long you been going out?

Like, eight years.

What's the best way to show
someone that you love them?

'Cause this is a constant thing.
You've always got to do upkeep

and, you know, show
your girlfriend you love her.

Do you think you do that enough?

Lance, do you think you do that?

You think you do that, buddy?

Justin does it.

That's enough.

Just leave me alone, okay?

The pillar's about to fall down.

There should be a P.F. Chang's
near the train station.

Oh, yeah?

- Oh.
- Whoa, blowing up.

- Amber Alert?
- Oh, I got one too.

1939 Black Chevrolet. License 2GYT342.

- Oh, I got that too.
- Oh, my God.

- Babe.
- Look at that.

- What?
- What should we do?

All those crime shows that we love?

- Yeah?
- Why don't we solve this one?

- 'Cause that's dumb.
- No, no.

- That's dumb, honey.
- No, that'd be so fun.

It's right there.
No, I'm gonna call the police.

- Hey...
- hi, hi.

Honey, we got to go it alone on this one.

Hey, police? Yeah.

You know that black Chev...
can I talk to them?

- What?
- One second.

Wait! That guy just stole my phone.

He must be with Capone's gang.

Let's go grab him.

Baby, we can solve this one
on our own, see?

The two of us, with our own love.

- Okay.
- Come here.

Let's do this.

We got to jump in that motorcar
and peel away.

You see?

- I got it.
- You did?

Yeah. Looks great.

Wow. Lance, look at all this.

Yeah, Justin really went all out.

Look at... hi.

Look at all these details.

I mean, like, a whole warehouse?

That's a lot of effort.

You know, iced tea and look...

I mean, look at the cupcakes
and everything.

All the cookies and, like,
the flowers and...

well, you know, my mom's a special lady.

And... I don't know... I think
Justin's, like, doing a good job.

Yeah. Must be nice, huh?

Yeah, I mean, it must be nice for you
to be, you know, going out with a guy

who's mom's getting engaged
in this really cool way.

Hi, Mike.

It's just... it's not about us tonight.

I know. I know it's not about us.
But I still would like the chance

to be able to, like, appreciate it without

having, like, this thing
looming over me...

What looming over you?

The idea of commit...
the idea of commitment.

And, like, doing these gestures.
I mean, look at this.

Justin's just a guy and he's,
like, showing his appreciation.

- Well, I'm just a guy. I mean...
- I just need to go take a walk, all right?

Okay.

There he is, see. Get him!

Get him.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Come back here, kidnapper!

You filthy crook!

Stay back, you!

What you got planned?

This.

That's it.

He planned the whole thing!

You planned this?

With a little help from some friends.

The Amber Alert?

Car chase was all fake.

I mean, we were really going that fast...
like, dangerously fast.

What inspired you?

You did.

You always do.

And I hope you always will.

Oh.

Gretchen Eunice Oliver,

will you do me the honor
of becoming my wife?

No!

No! That's not supposed to happen!

Oh, no!

No, there weren't supposed
to be real cops!

Oh, no. I called them.
I called them.

Why did you do that?

Why'd you do that?

- Sorry.
- Wait a minute.

Oh, my God! What was that?

Freeze!

Thud!

Lance!

Lance, please! Someone get an ambulance!

What's wrong with you?

- What are you guys doing?
- Oh, God.

What is this?

Nina.

Will you marry me?

What?

Lance.

Yes.

Of course I...

how did you...

I don't understand.

- I planned it.
- The police officers?

Part of the plan.

Franz, you?

Yeah, guys are in it from the shop.

Tony, Rick, Chad...

- all of it.
- For me?

You said it was important to you.

We talked about it in therapy.

I talked about it with Justin.

And the thing I realized, Nina...
it's also important to me.

Oh, Lance. Yes.

I'm a fiancee!

I'm a fiancee!

Congratulations.

Oh, congratulations to you.

- It was a really good proposal, son.
- Was anyone taking any video of this?

We were. Whole time.

- Keep going.
- It's gonna go viral.

I thought she was gonna have
a heart attack.

I'm a fiancee.

Well, Shutterbug, come on.
Take a picture.

Smile, you two lovebirds.

Wow.

That seemed to have a lot
of logic problems.

You know, when I first met Justin,
there was just something about him...

- can I pitch you a line?
- Yeah.

"Justin has innocent wisdom

that is one of a kind."

Justin had an innocent wisdom...

can you say "GoPro" real quick?

- GoPro.
- Say it again.

- GoPro?
- GoPros.

- GoPros.
- Those GoPros.

- Those GoPros.
- We're good.

That's good.