Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Story of Toni & Candace - full transcript

Hi, there.

Is this the Women
and Children's First Place?

- No. Women & Women First.
- Oh, Women & Women's First.

Hi. My name is Rick,

and I'm working for the
Killingsworth Neighborhood News.

Just want to ask you a couple
questions about the store,

if you have time.

An interview.

Wow. Sure.

We've been waiting for this.

Yeah, this'll be real brief.



Okay. Um, you should probably take a seat.

Portlandia - S05E01
The Story of Toni and Candace

Okay.

So, what are your hours for the store,

and do you have men and women bathrooms

or are they a joint deal?

What kind of an article is this gonna be?

An expose? Is it gonna be in depth?

Is it gonna be skewed?

Is this a feature? Is it a cover story?

It's just a little blurb about
your store in the neighborhood.

Well, okay.

All right.

The year was 1991.



New York City.

I was working as senior VP
of crown books corporate.

Good morning, everyone. I'm back.

What is that? Looks like coffee.

I drink sanka.

- Dustin!
- Yeah?

- Get a memo out, please.
- Sure.

As fast as you can. Hi. Who are you?

- I'm new.
- Sit down.

- I don't know what that is or who you are.
- It's a skirt.

- I've been gone two weeks maternity leave.
- I was a real go-getter.

I had sparks in my eyes and lava
flowing through my veins.

Oh, much, much better.

I was about to spit this out
into your eye.

Meanwhile in midtown,

I was head of new business
and acquisitions

for B. Dalton Corporate,

making sure there was a B. Dalton
in every mall in America.

Rich.

Guys, uh, I didn't close the deal.

Not!

Cha-ching!

Come on, here. Let me get some of that.

R.B., you know who didn't close the deal?

- Your mom.
- Oh, God!

Well, listen. What's the 411?

How did it go down?

Well, you know, I mean, every time
they didn't give me what I wanted,

- I was just like, "I'm Audi."
- Audi. Audi Quattro!

Right?

And I just kept saying,
"talk to the hand."

I guess I'm all that and a bag of chips.

Good girl.

I'm glad everyone appreciates my efforts

and, you know, my intellect.

To-ni. To-ni.

To-ni! To-ni!

Well, in 1992, everything changed.

B. Dalton bookseller acquired
the crown book corporation

to form the largest chain
of bookstores in the country.

At the top, Bruce Nathansen.

Where's that coke? Is it in the bathroom?

He was a kind of wolf in wolf's clothing.

Tall, blond, handsome.

He was relentless.

Good-bye crown and B. Dalton,

hello, Cralton.

Wow, this place is nice.

Can't wait to make mincemeat
out of these bozos.

The boss would like to see you now.

Of course he does.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I had a meeting with Bruce.

Are you on your way out?

I'm also here for a meeting with Bruce.

Oh.

Well, hello. I'm Candace Deveraux.

Toni Rose. B. Dalton.

B. Dalton. Well, look at you.

Have you met Bruce before?

No, but I'm about to knock his socks off.

Well, I see you two are getting cozy.

Hi. Bruce Nathansen.

Candace Deveraux.

Candy. What a pleasure.

Please, have a seat.

Toni, Toni, Toni.

Please, have a seat.

I'm so excited to have
the two of you working for me,

all under one big corporate roof.

Chick Lit. Chick Lit.

What is that?

Books for women written by women.

Whatever it is, we've got to have it.

We need it, and you two,

being by far the most qualified
chicks in the corporation,

I thought perhaps, I don't know,

one of you would like to,
I don't know, run it?

- I can do it.
- I can do that.

Well, you know, that's what I thought,

but I can only hire one of you.

So my plan was to pit you two
against each other.

Some good old-fashioned
office competition.

Uh, I'm certainly more
qualified to do this position.

I disagree; I'm actually
the more qualified one here.

You know, one of you
will get the position...

Stock options, jazzy suits,

the acura.

And the other won't.

Um, Bruce.

May I have a moment
with you alone, please?

- Toni.
- I'm not leaving.

Well, it appears we've reached an impasse.

Toni was inexperienced.

Candace's recollection is murky at best.

I myself was a bit of a whiz kid.

"Toni The Poni," they called me.

And I was a whiz woman.

When I went to the bathroom, it was loud.

I was called "Candace, that woman who looks
like a horse who pees like a horse."

Well, anyway, we just
got a table at Tutu's

and just sat there and really
got to know each other.

Did you watch Murphy Brown last night?

Really good episode, wasn't it?

I thought so too.

Definitely important
and well done and well played.

- I think she's brilliant.
- She's great.

So, Toni.

How does a mousy girl like you
end up in the big, bad city?

Well, I grew up in Philadelphia,

the daughter of a doctor and a professor,

went to Harvard, went to MIT.

I got asked to go to MIT.

They begged me to come.

"Please, please. We want
your brains. We want your beauty.

You can really do it here for us at MIT,"
but I don't know.

Guys are kind of ugly.

Yeah, I didn't go to
graduate school for the men.

And what kind of men do you date?

Men who don't have a whole lot going on?

Maybe friends of friends who are
doing other friends a favor?

- No, I...
- I mean, you can tell me.

I'm not gonna tell you anything, Candace.

It was like a game of chess.

All strategy and sussing each other out.

But it was checkers, too, in its own way.

In the positioning.

Of the queen.

Which is chess,
which was my original analogy.

We're getting close to about 50 words now.

So, I did my usual Candace thing

of finding out what made Toni Tick,

because I was a shark.

Let me give you some advice.

I've slept around.

Every single company I've worked at,
I slept my way to the top,

to the bottom, to the left, to the right; I
mean, directions you couldn't even imagine.

But it got me here.

Do you even want a desk in the new office,

or shall we just put
a bed in there for you?

Don't kid yourself, honey.

Nothing will get in my way.

Nothing.

That's a penis. Going inside me.

I'm getting a read on you, Candace.

Someone whose legs are open 24/7.

Sometimes they're closed,
but I'm bent over from behind.

Well, we've gotten where we
are in two different ways,

and I don't judge your methods.

But I do not abide by them.

I might seem benign, mild,
and even soft-spoken,

but you shouldn't cross me.

You will never, never
get this job over me.

Watch your back, Candace.

Well...

Let the games begin.

Chick Lit should be an oasis.

You're in that bookstore,
there's Tom Clancy... ugh!

There's Dean Koontz... ugh!

Everything changes when you
get to the Chick Lit section.

It's pink, it's red, it's cozy.

Chick Lit.

I want these books
shoved in people's faces.

I want these pages crumpled up
and put down people's throats.

Rhonda, can we make a
reservation for seven people

at 8:00 at Tutu's for dinner.

Seven at Tutu's. Yeah.

Rhonda, can I get a
reservation at Tutu's tonight.

- Tutu's, yeah.
- 8:00 P.M., seven people.

Seven people, 8:00 P.M.

Rhonda, do me a favor,
cancel that reservation.

It's two tables of two.

Two tables of two for Tutu's.

Rhonda, can I get a reservation
for 22 people at Tutu's tonight?

- 22 people.
- Yeah.

Rhonda, write this out on magic marker,
say "Toni's mentally ill."

- No, I'm sorry. I can't do that.
- I think you can.

No, I have a lot of
mental illness in my family.

I have a lot of schizophrenia...

I'm not asking you your family history.

I'm sorry for yelling.

How's weight watchers going?

Were you crying?

Rhonda, will you
send Candace a bale of hay?

Rhonda, will you take Toni's glasses

and get a magic marker
and just blacken them out

and put them back on her face again?

And step on them
while they're on her face.

We need to find a female gen-x author.

I'm on a call. Do you hear that?

Oh, on the phone? I thought that was
just a mole growing on her face.

Rhonda, do you have the latest
New York times?

Rhonda, throw away the newest
New York times.

Is Rick back from Hawaii?

- Rhonda, I'm talking to you.
- Rhonda.

What button do I push?

Rhonda, when's the soccer
game tonight? Find out.

Rhonda, can I get some crystal
Pepsi in my mini fridge?

Rhonda, did you find out yet,
when's the soccer game?

- Rhonda...
- Rhonda...

Between the two of you,
it's like a tennis match at Forest Hills.

This is gonna be
Toni's Chick Lit Department.

I feel sorry for her. I really do.

Must be hard being a nothing.

Did you write that down?

Are you guys open on Sundays?

Are you even listening to our story?

Yes.

Well, listen to this:

We have a story to tell, so listen.

Okay.

And write it down.

Okay.

Thank you.

The competition was on.

That bouncer's really nice, isn't he?

Oh, look!

That's that Toni girl.

Oh, there's Candace.

Hi. We see you.

You're making a fool of yourself.

Pathetic, isn't she?

She's probably on her fifth drink already.

Isn't that the worst?

Why don't you call her over?

See if she can fall down on the floor.

Yeah. I bet she'll fall right down.

Candace!

Me? Hold this.

Whoa.

Boo-yah.

Wait.

Wait! I need to talk to you!

Candace.

"Candace, I'm in love with you."

I've heard it my whole life:

Elementary school, high school,
college, the working world.

"You're so beautiful. I love your profile.

"Oh, let me drink you in.

"I want to hear the sound of your voice.

"I wrote this poem about you.
I wrote this song about you."

But now it's your turn, Bruce.

What are you gonna do for me?

The job is yours.

Everything is yours. Just take me.

Buckle up and get ready
for the ride of your life.

I've got two airbags
with your names on them.

Bruce?

I got to say, guys,

I love watching these broads
run around and fight each other.

I mean, I've got myself a front-row seat

to a cat fight.

Meow! Meow!

And the crazy thing is
is that these broads,

I mean, they actually believe

that they're going to get this
position. I mean, it's so sad.

Really, of course,
I'm going to give it to a man.

That's why I called you guys here.

Listen, I need suggestions.

I need testosterone.

I need semen.

You know, I need balls.

I need someone whose decision-making

is not influenced
by the cycles of the moon.

My plan is to bring in a fellow
or two from the outside.

I want some twigs and berries.

So, names, suggestions, anyone.

Handy men, plumbers, ex-cons.

I don't care, as long as it's not women.

- Hello?
- Toni, it's Candace.

Will you please let me in?

And, Toni, that's the reason
that neither of us

are getting that position.

Ever.

I just feel like such a fool.

Oh, Candace.

Honey.

You know what they said, Toni?

That this job is too important
to give to a woman.

Honey, it's okay.

It's not okay.

I just wanted so bad
to make something of myself,

and I was good, and... who am I kidding?

I mean, the head of Chick Lit.

The only thing I could be
the head of is a Candace body.

Oh, Candace.

I know my legs are weird
and I've got a horse face, and...

- No, you don't.
- I do.

You don't.

Bruce, he's so cruel.

It was so weird.

He, like, brought me over to his house,

and we drank a little bit,

and he, like, turned on his discman,

and he goes, "do you like Motown?"

"Do you like Motown?"

And then he said the discman didn't work,

so he had to go downstairs to
get some kind of another plug,

and then he popped his head in.

He goes, "hey, I hope you like Motown."
And I was all, "what are you doing?

Why are you saying this
to me over and over again?"

And then I was like, "get up here,"

and I got on top of him
and I just, like, rode him.

I mean, I grinded so hard.

I mean, I thought the bed was gonna break.

He was using me, and I
was supposed to be using him.

We're all being used.

I keep thinking that having men around me

will just make me more powerful, but...

But I hate men now!

That's when everything changed.

We swore from that point on

that we would never throw another
woman under the bus to get ahead.

We were no longer adversaries.

We were sisters.

I'm not gonna let Bruce or some other man

run the Chick Lit Department.

Chick Lit... it shouldn't be
some term that diminishes

what it means for women
to be part of literature.

It's just saying, like,

"look, here's your tiny little category."
We've been given a morsel.

We've been given a crumb, and...
And we want a buffet!

- Yeah!
- We want a goddamn buffet.

That's right.

That we could dig our fists into
and feed our faces with.

I'm angry, and you're angry,
and I love it.

We are women.

Now it's time for us
to change and take over.

- Yes.
- I have a plan.

I have a plan.

All right, everybody.
All right, everybody.

Settle down. Listen.

I'm not gonna waste your time
with a lot of mumbo-jumbo.

The truth is, the search is over.

I have found the stars

to head the Chick Lit Department.

I mean, I know we wanted
to promote from within,

but these two...

They came into the interview
and they slapped me in my face

with their balls, basically.

That's what happened.

So here they come.

Kirk! Jeremy!

Get in here!

Yeah!

So let me get this straight.

You two dressed up as men.

It was Toni's idea.

Just a couple of wigs and some
mustaches, some suits, and...

- Worked like a charm.
- You know how mad I am right now as a guy?

I don't take nothing from no one.

I'm the toughest guy around.

I'm like a sheriff.

All right. I love these guys.

I love these guys.

I think we're gonna bring the manpower

that the Chick Lit Department needs.

- Give it some balls.
- Give it some big old balls.

All right, listen.

We got a Chick Lit
Department to start here.

Everybody get back to work.

Let's go, let's go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you see the vag on that one?

Yeah, let's talk
about the high seas, right?

- Fresh.
- Nice angle.

You know who has a crazy old vag?

I'm talking, like, a heavy dangler.

Candace.

I couldn't get her off my dong.

Pounding and pounding
and pounding and pounding...

Wasn't it mutual?

Didn't it seem like maybe
you both got into it together?

What are you talking about again?

- Candace.
- You and Candace.

Wasn't there any sense of, like...

Oh, I fed her all kinds of nonsense.
She just ate it all up.

I'm not a dummy. I know how to get
a broad like that, like a dumb...

- Dumb?
- That girl probably went to tufts.

No, she's probably pretty brilliant.
And beautiful, it sounds like to me.

- For a horse.
- Easy!

- With that.
- I don't understand. What's the problem?

I got to... excuse me,
please, for a while.

Okay.

What's Kirk's problem?

The beast was awakened.

When you say "beast," you mean...

Us.

Candace! What are you doing?

I can't take it anymore.

Did you hear what they said about me?

The things they say about women
just makes me so mad.

It's just terrible. They're so sexist.

They hate women.

I can't continue this charade anymore.

- I don't want you to either.
- Okay.

Do you have a match?

So I'm not saying
you need plastic surgery,

I'm just saying if you wanted
it, I would pay for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this?

Fire!

Fire! Abandon ship!

Everybody to the lifeboats!

Let's go, men! To the lifeboats!

Ah, Kirk! Jeremy! Thank God you're safe.

Permission to come aboard.

I don't think so.

We overheard you say that no woman

would ever get that Chick Lit job.

Well, guess what.

Two women did.

Toni? Candace?

What happened to Kirk and Jeremy?

It's us. We had disguises.

We put on a fake mustache and a fake wig.

Let's just let bygones be bygones, okay?

Candace! Baby!

I love you. Remember?

You love me?

You know who you're in love with?

Yourself.

And by the way,

I was faking it.

I didn't even feel you.

- Well...
- We're leaving.

And you're not coming with us.

I know that it's generally
women and children first,

but I'm just a little baby!

I'm just a tiny little baby!
Let me on board!

Not this time, Bruce.

This time, it's women...

And women first.

Come on, ladies.

And babies!

And tiny babies!

I hope you get scurvy! All of you!

What?

Wait for me! I'm coming!

Sorry, sir. Women only.

I am a woman.

My name is Angel.

Oh. Well, I could see that.

Oh, kind of like an Annie
Lennox, eurythmics thing?

Come on board.

Hold on, that's all the proof
you require? A hat removal?

- We did it.
- Nice work, ladies.

Let us on the boat! You bitches!

Bitches?

Why don't you burn in hell, Bruce?

We will track you down and find you!

- Yeah!
- Sink your little dinghy!

Let's go.

- Good job, Candace.
- Good job, Toni.

I mean, where are we gonna go?

We've got to get out of here.

I know a place to hide.

It's a bookstore.

Hardly anyone goes there.

- Yeah, I'd do it.
- Sounds good to me.

And that's how we ended up here.

So, what about Bruce?

Did he ever track you down?

No. Bruce never found us.

Customers can barely find us.

I mean, we've been hanging out
in the nonprofit world ever since.

Okay. Well...

I mean, Angel was right.
She said no one would find us here.

Smile.

She's not the first person
to have said that.

Wow.

- We're cover girls.
- Oh, look at that.

Well, that gentleman did a good job.

I'm really proud of us.
What a great writer.

If you squint your eyes,
I look like Isabella Rossellini.

You look great too.

Well, that's the day. I'm gonna close up.

Okay, yeah. We've been here an hour.

- Can I get a ride home?
- Yeah. Of course.

You know I drive fast.

I mean, maybe I have a bigger...

- I doubt it, man.
- I doubt it.

I doubt it. This thing is...

- I'll whip it out.
- I'll whip it out.

All right, well, let's whip it out.

- I'll whip it out. We can do a big whip-out.
- I'm not gonna whip mine out.

- You don't have to.
- But I'll watch.

Do you guys want to whip?

- Yeah, I mean...
- I'll measure.

- Do we have a tape measure inside?
- Use your forearm like you did last week.