Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 9 - 3D Printer - full transcript

Church is an option.

Hi, I'm Father Timothy.

Organized religion is
stuffy and dogmatic, right?

What do you want?
Disorganized?

We can do that.

Nobody wants to pray anymore?

Okay, we can do vision
boards if you like...

- Cars, husbands.
- It's aspirational.

It's things I'd pray for anyway,

and now I just
call them visions.

- Whoa. I'm sorry.
- It's okay.



Did I get any of that on you?
That looks so wrong.

I have the congregation nipping
at my heels, so please consider

it an option.

Keep this in mind
on Sundays, any day.

We listen to you.

It's not only Sunday, Friday,
Saturday. Just call me.

I'll come down with
whatever you want.

We'll move the husband to make
room for your dream vacation.

He's making Sushi.

I love Sushi.

Ooh. Sorry.

I got a little excited.

[Bell] Church is an option.

Organ music, kind of lame.



Hey, how about
some rock and roll?

[Music] Hey, hey, hey.

This seems pretty cool.

Looking for a sense of peace and
tranquility, I can put a little

needle in your back.

What do they call it?

Acupuncture?

Sure.

I really don't know
what I'm doing.

Is that soothing?

It is?

Wow.

Beginner's luck.

That looks Danish modern, right?

Not for me.

I get nothing out of it.

I'm just gonna help you out.

At what time do we
offer acupuncture?

It's normally at two, but
we'll schedule for them.

We have... we have
all kinds of needles.

They're not special needles.

Just tell 'em we have...

I think they are
special needles.

They don't have to be.

[Instrumental music]

Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor.

[Clapping]

Thank you. There are those who
think that Portland is quaint...

That we're not a serious city,
and granted, we're not New York.

We don't have an empire state
building or subway system, but

from this day forth, Portland
can look at itself in the mirror

and say, you know
what we do have?

We do have a 3d printer.

[Clapping]
Let the good times roll.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, man.

Now that we have a 3d printer,
Portland's finally

a first class city.

So excite... mom, hi.

We're so proud of you.

Fantastic.

I want you to meet
Fred and Carrie.

These are my parents.

- We showed up for your speech.
- Nice to meet you, too.

You must be so proud.

We are. He's such a good
boy, and he's so handsome.

It's hard to say no to him
when he wants something.

What do you mean,
hard to say no?

Mr. Mayor, did your parents
buy the city a 3d printer?

They helped a little.

They're buying
everything for you?

So, we gonna go to lunch or...

We bought the podium, the flags.

You bought those flags.

We bought him this bridge,

for his birthday.

Who do you think
pays for all this?

You bought him the
Hawthorne bridge?

We take care of
everything for him.

Mom, shh.

The city is like
depending on them.

Yes.

Well, it's okay.
I'm retired,

I don't have anything
to do, and...

I wanna support my son and...

You're a trust fund kid, and
Portland's a trust fund city.

Dad, you're embarrassing
me in front of my friends.

You don't...

Don't be such a baby.

I'm not a baby, mom.

I'm the mayor, okay?
Let's not forget that.

Mind your manners or maybe
you don't want the hospital,

that you've been talking about.

I don't want anything if you're
gonna treat me like a baby.

How about if you're cut off?

What are you cutting
him off from?

The whole city budget?

I don't care.

And now you're having a tantrum.

I am not having a tantrum.

If that's it... fine.

Cut off.
You are cut off.

LA, LA, LA, LA, LA,
LA... not listening.

I don't care. I don't care.
I don't care.

No hospital wing.

No more bridges.

No more city of Portland.

I'm cut off.

Ha.

Really nice to meet you guys.

It's not to meet you Carolyn.

You, too.

Ted.

Carolyn, Tony... very
nice to meet you.

Sheesh.

Come on, Enid.

[Instrumental music]

How you guys doing?

Feel like making some art?

Um, let's talk a little
bit about statement art.

Since the 50's, one common
target about making a statement

has been McDonald's.

Ronald McDonald plus
something violent and crazy

like money equals shock.

Shock me.

Make people go...

Do it.

Betsy, want to come up?

Betsy, would you do me a favor
and just kind of crouch down.

There you go.

Mouth open.

Betsy there, isn't it?

Nice job.

Ronald's there.

And I see that, and it's great,
but if I walk into a gallery,

I'm gonna go like this...

You want someone
to stop in their tracks.

Hey, or even like... oh, come on.

Just like... my heart.

Hmm.

A jump and them a move away.

Is there a gas mask
in the case, honey?

If you got a gas mask, you know,
you're... there's a soldier stands.

Betsy, honey, why don't you..

Can you do a sort of
strung out on heroin pose?

Yeah, sort of
nodding off into...

The villain is the puppeteer.

There you go.

You guys know each other?

That's my wife.

Married a long time, 30
years...32 years...31 years.

How'd you guys meet?

32 years.

When was your hair long?

Never.

Sorry.

Uh, we met at a McDonald's.

I always think of artists kind
of doing more like a bread and

cheese thing but...

There is bread and
cheese in McDonald's.

The last supper, huh?

She called it the last
breakfast, but it ends at 11.

Ronald's fangs have got to
come down over the bottom lip.

Look at me.

See that.

Yeah.

Ronald's a vampire.

Remember your sense of
perspective and gravity.

You're not gonna want...

[Cat meow]

Betsy, you got to see this.

What do you think, huh?

Is that... I'm still shocked.

Real... just shocking,
shocking, shock.

You have to watch your feet
because the... the length of them

just gets right... see you
slapped the top of my foot.

Sorry

[instrumental music]

Hey dad, what do you
think of this one?

It's got Ronald McDonald on it.

Meditation.

Go ahead. Carry on.

Yeah, I just thought
of a book idea.

You want to pitch it to me?

Do you want some feedback or...

It's a reclassification
of the animals.

Great, and you came up with
all this for meditating.

Okay?

But... just yeah, just a sort of
sub... new subsets of, you know,

where the whales would go
and fish and everything.

[Instrumental music]

Awesome.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thanks.

I don't remember
ordering any of this.

I never remember what I ordered.

- Yes oh that's nice.
- Calm down.

I ordered this last week.

I'm gonna try it now.

[Instrumental music]

Umm, we got to talk about
a little something.

I've come to the conclusion
that Christmas is dead.

It's a very shocking thing to
say, but because people can

order things online, every
day has become Christmas.

So you order a spatula, and it
comes in a box, and that's a

present?

Yeah.
We have to fight back.

Okay, but how can a delivery
truck pulling up to a door be as

exciting as a bunch of
reindeer landing on your roof?

I have no... look... I
can't read people's minds.

Well, I mean, I
know some things.

I'll tell you something.

I walked into a house, thought
I'd see, you know, milk and

cookies sitting there.

A young girl's there.

She sorts of frowns at me and she says,
oh, aren't I supposed to give you

cookies or something, and I was
like oh, that would be nice.

She's like, oh, that's what we
did, yeah, I guess, and she just

kind of giggled and walked away.

I don't need the
milk and cookies. I'm fine.

It's the sort of, oh,
that's different now.

Well, just so you know, we've
never gotten milk and cookies.

Like, we kind of do all the work
back here, and then you go out

and just get milk and
cookies and notes.

Just so you know... I mean.

Isn't your name Nutmeg?

Yes.

So, it's not Santa Claus?

No.

My friends call me Nut.

Right, but it's not Santa Claus.
You see my point.

Anyway, in order to compete
with websites like Amazon where

people just, you know, it's a
click away and they get whatever

they want... spatula, but I think
we've got to do something, and

we're gonna be
working year-round.

My worry off the bat is it just
seems like 2-4-7,

like a sort of number.

Sorry.

That supposed to look like me?

The imagery they use for
Santa... I almost want to go to

these places.

What the hell are you doing?

When was I fat?

Was I ever fat?

That's the thing that gets me.

Of all the things,
the sort of...

Did I once ever do this to you?

Uh-huh.

What is that?

Uh, any interest in flying a
jet, being a pilot, co-pilot,

from the whole slave thing or if
you know how to drive a truck?

Semi?

Very funny.

[Instrumental music]

Mr. Mayor, as you and my
esteemed colleagues

are well aware, we are in the
middle of a budget crisis

I mean, even the popular horse patrol
has had to resort to fund raising.

In my district, we have so
many potholes and without your

parents' money, I don't know
how we're gonna pay to fix 'em.

Well, I mean, we do
have a 3d printer.

We could probably
just print a road.

You can't print a new road.

You know, in my district, we
were gonna build a school.

We can build a school.

How?

Print one.

Can you print teachers,
curriculum, crossing guards?

We can print a brick, right?

We can print a brick.

We can print a brick.
That's part of a school.

Technically, that might work,
but what happens when it comes

to police?

Wow.

Whoa.

Hot.

It's still warm.

Look at that.

That's a 3d brick.

That is... ooh, it's
light too, still warm.

That's a brick.

That's a 3...Look at
that... that's a 3d brick.

At this rate, though, Mr. mayor,
one brick per time, how long

would it take to build a school?

I just am amazed
by this technology.

I see that.

3d technology.

And you're willing to tie our
whole fiscal future of this city

and its citizens
to the 3d printer?

If we can print this,
think of what we can do.

We can print a wheelchair.

We can print crutches.

We can...

Even pay raises.

We, uh, have the capability of
printing pens and pencils, which

we could use to write
those documents.

You're penning the
citizens in, Mr. Mayor.

She's right. I mean, we can't just
print your way of out every problem.

Can we print a new attitude
for you, Mr. Mayor?

Can we print a new mayor, Sam?

Watch this.

It's a 3d printer.

Great.

Oh.

Is that what I
look like, really?

But everything works.

Look, seriously, it seems like
the only choice we have is to

patch things up
with your parents.

No I don't care if
you don't like it.

No.

We have to help him.

That's their fault.

Not my fault.

I actually have an idea.

Am I hearing a little
bit of maybe, yeah?

This is lame.

I'm out of here.

Pictures up. We cue bubbles.

Whisperia perfume commercial.

Take one.

Okay. Sound up.

Rolling and...

You want to call action?

Yeah... I want... not yet.

We're rolling.

What do you want me... the
models to be doing?

Are they gonna... can they laugh?

Can I get some laughter?

You guys having a really
good time.

The fragrance... fragrances often
make people laugh

because of the name.

Can... can we get
the bubbles to talk?

Can the bubbles do any speaking?

No, bubbles don't talk, sir.

You gonna go out?
You want to cut?

I got this.

If you're in the shot.

We can't... we can't
get this done.

Yeah, but I'm saying is that...

He insists on being in the shot.

But... but they, they...

Wait, you.

Why don't you come back
and direct from here.

I'm not on.

You're on now.

Man, if he... if we have
him out here

and then you're holding
hands here.

It's unusable if you're
on... on screen, so come on out.

Can't see
yourself... you're...

You're in that.

We can't do that.

You're on... you're
on camera now.

We should film it on this.

We can't do that.

[Gasp]

Sophia, my girlfriend, is coming
in, and she's coming from via

New York.

Flag on the play.

Short break.

I'm supposed to pick her up.

- Ok. - She's at the airport,
we have to go pick her up?

She's... she's normal, and we
just do things together and

she's beautiful.

That's great.

Um, let's get there.

You just find... you
look up the airline?

I know where we're going.

Yeah, what airline is she on?

Did she tell you?

Give you a flight number?

Name things.

Uh, American, United,
Delta, uh, Virgin, um...

Will you say that word again?

Virgin?

That's it.

Okay, great.

Should we go to Virgin airport.

It's all part of Portland
airport, but we'll...

Yeah, but I'll... I'll drop you
off at the... where the Virgin

terminal is, and
you can go in and...

Then doesn't the car just
drive off into like a wall?

I don't want you to
be in a car accident.

Why don't, um, I drive, and
I'm going to drop you off?

Hair and makeup, sound,
wardrobe, everybody

we're going to the airport.

She says she's at baggage claim.

Let's go.

That's always like
dark and then...

She's gonna meet you there.

Let's go in here.

Yes.

This is great.

We're here.

We're on the move.

Have all the light coming in
from here, and this is green.

Do we need that...
do we need this?

We... we can't get rid of that
JW, it's part of the airport.

We can't do that.

Can you... can I get flowers,
but not the kind

that are all colorful?

Let's get last looks on JW.

And when that... when...
should I rehearse?

Hi, how was your trip?

And um...

Tonya, she like loves me.

That's great.

Let's fall back.

First team on the move.

Fall back.

Let's fall back.

[Instrumental music]

Hey.

These are for you.

You look beautiful.

Love you.

Come on.

Let's go home.

And we are clear.

That's a wrap everybody.

Good job nice work.

Good job.

Whisperia [Clapping]

[Instrumental]

Lance, I think there's something
wrong with Leon.

I tried to poke him, get him to
turn over, and then I tried to

feed him.

I tried to feed him and then he
wasn't moving, and I tried to

poke him and then
nothing happened.

He's dead.

What?

He's dead, look at him
he's dead.

No.

Oh no.

Little guy.

He died.

I thought he was just laying
there, and he didn't want to

move.

Lance?

Are you crying?

[Crying] My favorite little guy.

He understood me so... so well,
like no one else understood me.

There's nothing more you
could've done for little guy,

but you know something?

Now it's your turn to cry.

We can't both be crying.

So just cry it out.

[Crying]

You can cry all day long, okay?

Here you go.

That's okay.

You got to let it out.

That's the important thing.

Hey, listen, Lance isn't
gonna come into work today.

You know, you have to eat, okay?

No.

Leon used to watch
me play cards.

The second drawer
near the microwave.

[Instrumental music]

Lance, what...

[Crying]

What are you watching?

The Notebook.

Noah and Ali.

They were meant to be together.

You used to make fun of
me for watching that.

I don't know why.

They're lying on the floor, and
he says he needs more food if

they're gonna keep making love.

Don't show it to me
because I'll start crying.

One of the best
movies ever made.

Hey, Dana, Lance around?

He's inside crying.

I need to get it fixed,
supposed to be done by tomorrow.

Lance said he'd take care of it.

[Instrumental music]

[Grunt] Hey!

Dana?

You leave me crying by myself.

Were you cheating on me?

No.

I just fixed Jim's bike.

I was gonna do that.

I was gonna fix it.

I got it.

Don't worry about it.

Want to take a ride?

Oh yeah.

[Instrumental music]

Oh, it's the mayor's
mom and dad.

Well, it breaks my heart.

I'll tell ya that.

Well, I wish you'd reconsider.

Do you think this is gonna work?

I mean, you're a
great puppeteer.

You're a great puppeteer.

No.

I mean it, though.
You're like supreme.

When he starts acting like that,
it's nothing you can do with him

you know?

Thank you.

Ready let's do this.

Okay.

At a certain point you just...

Dad.

Yeah.

Wow.

I had no idea.

I was walking through
the restaurant.

Hello mom, of course you'd
be here as well, but dad...

All I see...

No, mom. Hold on.
I'm talking to dad.

This is man to man.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing this?

Why am I... I'm apologizing.

Hello. Thank you for voting for me.
Thank you everyone.

I really apologize from the
bottom of my heart to the top of

my head.

Don't cut me off, dad.

Don't cut me off at all.

I'm really, really, really
sorry, dad, and mom,

I love you...

So much.

Come on, guys.

Come on, come on, come on.

We see you back there.

What do you want?

I'm... I'm sorry.

That was good.

It's a good... it's a good show.

Okay. He's sorry.

He was just, you know, acting
up, and he just had too much pride.

He doesn't mean it. He doesn't want
you to cut us off.

It's not like your son is
spending the money on sports

cars or self-tanning or
anything ostentatious.

He's really spending it
for the good of the city.

And we thank you by the way.

It's a really great
thing you guys have done.

Yeah, well I love
owning Portland.

I mean... before I started buying
up Portland for Mr. Mayor, I was

actually looking at Fresno.

I looked at a lot of cities.

We're glad that you're
such good friends to him.

Can we buy you
something special?

We can buy you something nice?

What would you like?

A belt.

How about you?

What do you want?

Uh...

He's sorry, okay?

We're speaking for him.

I know you are and I take it to heart,
and he's forgiven, and we can,

we'll put this back together.

Aw.

You're good friends.

You're good guys.

Well, you're good parents.

Thank you.

You're back.

We're back.

God knows I love you.

Dinner's on me, okay?

I insist.

Pass the check.

Sure, my parents spoil me, but
that's only because they can,

and if I ever make a lot of
money some day, I would buy them

a house or maybe a trip, but
for now all I can really say is

thank you mom.

Thank you, dad.

Why don't you buy your
friends some pizza?

Really?

Yeah.

[Clapping] All right.

Hey, we get to order pizza.

[Instrumental music]

Wait a minute. I never thought of that.

They're... McDonald's... they...
just ...thought that was the same

thing the whole time.

What did I eat?

What did I swallow?

I can't regurgitate this.

You regurgitate for
me on the canvas.