Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 8 - Late in Life Drug Use - full transcript

Well, as always, I am super
excited about the pride parade.

I can't wait to hear what freaky stuff

the LGBT community is cooking
up, so what do you got?

We've got the street
officially as of 1:15.

We were also able to negotiate
a really good insurance policy.

The city is completely covering it.

Do you have that, uh, what was
that... that nude, um,

drum major that had that long stick?

Is he back?
We're going to have him?

I think the last time he
was in the parade was 1985?

Yeah, and in 1986 he was specifically
uninvited to participate.



You're going to have
G-string dancers.

You're going to do... The SOPO's.

I love the SOPO's.

You got to have the SOPO's, right?

Well, for insurance purposes,
we're not going to be doing

the SOPO's this year.

[Instrumental music]

Just the people I want to see.

Mr. Mayor, people
are really upset.

When I came into office, I took an oath.

And the oath was to keep Portland weird.

The point is gay people are normal.

But I don't think you can
build a parade around it...

What do you want?



What would you prefer?

I don't understand...

to let it all out, let it all hang out.

You know, like they used to.

Who are the new freaks?

You know, bigots are like really hated.

[Band playing]

I'm getting so many messages about this.

This is really bad.

[Crowd chanting bullshit]

Portland, you guys are a bunch

[Screaming]
Right... back to the office.

[Instrumental music]

We went to the, uh, hardware store.

So we, you know, go to the car, open
up the back, start putting it in.

We start driving away.

We forgot to pay.

Yeah.

[Laughing] Oh.

We felt so bad driving
out of that parking lot.

I mean, we made it one inch
outside that parking lot.

It was like ahh.

We're criminals.

That's what... I love that story.

Uh, I myself haven't been in
a Home Depot much recently.

You should... you
should check it out.

It's, uh, you know... I think
they're having a sale

or something.

Hey, we did something the other night.

Should we, uh... I don't know
if we want to regale you with

something that could be
interesting or not, but uh...

[Laughing] Andrea's...

It's nothing.

Yeah.

We tripped.

We... we had a trip.

Oh.

That's crazy.

Who did?

The two of you?

Yes.

Was it scary?

Yes. No.

I would say yes.

Well, well...

It was scary in the best way.

Did you hallucinate?

Did you have visions?

Why?

Why did you do this?

My life had been going like
this, and I just wanted

[whistle you know,
very quick kind of spike.

This business with spiking... I
just feel like aren't you afraid

that it's just going to go like waaaa.

[Laughing] Well, you made [laughing]...

What is it?

Is it a pill?

Like, how... what form is it in?

Does it look like a mushroom?

Tea.

They make it into a tea.

Wow.

It's a tea.

I always felt like if you didn't
do drugs in high school or

college that that was it, like that
is the window for doing drugs.

Are you kind of like
curious about doing this?

I'm not saying I want to do it.

It just made me feel bad a
little bit, like well maybe

we're not people that try new things.

I don't know anything about drugs.

The most I ever did was like I
had a pot cookie in high school,

and there was like not even pot in it.

So you ate a cookie in high school?

I mean that's the extent of it.

I just think it might be a way for us
to just like get out of our routine.

I would do it if you wanted to do it.

For one, we should do research.

I want to get online.

Uh-huh.

I want to get books.

I want to approach this
like we would buying a car.

All right.

You know?

Is this happening?

It's a deal.

It's a drug deal.

[Instrumental music]

[Telephone ringing]

We come up with pun
names for your business.

We don't do doggy day care, hair
cutting places or faux.

Oh, Italian restaurant.

Okay.

Where are you going to be located?

Okay.

Number.

Well, thank you.

Okay.

Geeg, Italian restaurant.

Great.

We have Italian food.

Yes, we do.

It should be a good one.

All right.

Food... all right, so.

What do you got Geeg?

You know, it could be construed
as controversial, but that's a

Planned Pizzahood.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Um, I thought of Pizza, Paul and Mary.

Love it.

That's good.

Oh, thinking...

Let's try to think more
on the Italian thing.

Venice The Menace.

Ahh.

I mean, it's just, uh...

I like it.

I like the groan.

Crust Me, like tru me.

Out of Parm's Way.

Oh.

Right?

That's really terrible.

Yeah.

What about, uh, Spaghetti Museum?

Spaghetti Museum?

Is that... is that a pun?

Lord of the Pasta, Pasta Rings.

How about that?

Lord of the... uh, the
movie is the Hobbit.

I've got a movie one.

Five Easy Pizzas.

Ahh.

Does this work for anyone?

ET Phone Rome?

Ugh, that's a... that's
a full groan.

And then if for some reason there's a
whole thing with the rights to ET...

Eaty Phone Rome.

I love it.

Yeah, because see my eyes are rolling
in the back of my head on that one.

[Phone ringing]

Let's put a pin in that guy's hold on.

Okay.

Pun Slingers, this is Gigi.

How may I help you?

Okay. We'll get back to you.

Thank you very much.

Guys, optometrist, on to vision.

How about Lenses Me Your Ears?

Oh, I like it.

Stupid?

It's very stupid.

I got a fun one.

TGI Framedays.

Oh, that's so dumb.

Thank you.

The ones that are... that
are best sounding?

I mean, that's the idea.

Uh-huh.

Okay, what about Spectocular.

Oh, brother.

I'm shaking my head, and I love it.

A Side Order of French Four Eyes.

I like it.

French Four Eyes.

All of the ideas were good, you
know, but I'm just... I couldn't,

uh... I'm just sorry I couldn't
help you guys a lot... a little

bit more than I did.

You can't blame yourself
because we are a group.

I really like A Side
Order of French Four Eyes.

Yeah, that... that's good.

[Phone ringing]

Pun Slingers.

We come up with puns for your business.

[Instrumental music] Yes, sir.

Certainly.

By when?

Right away.

Phil, what was that about?

That was the United States.

What is it they want?

They want a pun.

They want us to do a pun
for the United States.

The name?

The name.

Let's just have fun with
it and see what happens.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the.

Brewnited Taste of Americano.

[fake flatulant]

[Instrumental music]

[Door bell]

Coming.

Hi.

Can I help you?

We noticed, um, you have one
of those Moleskin notebooks.

You have a lot of 'em.

Yeah, a whole bunch here.

Um, well I'm an aspiring writer, so...

Hmm.

Here's a poem.

Did you write this one?

Laundry, fix lamp, find
key, e-mail Anthony.

I think that one was
actually a to do list.

Why isn't this filled?

Why isn't this... and...

What's happened here?

Uh.

Is it Garfield?

Yeah.

Is it important that you try to draw
Garfield on two separate pages?

This is a glorified post it,
and I won't die to be a post it.

I said that when we signed the contract.

I will not die to be a post it,
and that's what I turned into.

There are other ways that
you can document things.

That's all she's saying.

Microsoft Word is incredible.

It's got like... it's
got... look at this.

Oh.

It's good.

Enable macros.

No, disable.

I don't... I'm
just... just disable it.

Oh hey, you remember that my brother's
coming this weekend, right?

And we get to meet the boyfriend.

Oh, that's right.

He like just told our family he was gay.

Wow.

It's like two gay guys..like they'll
tidy up the house and like...

wouldn't his boyfriend like go
through my closet and like get

rid of stuff that isn't good?

Should we like redo the
living room or something?

I just feel like we just
like threw stuff up in there.

You know, we could go to like
mid century furniture stores

with them, and they could just...

Oh, they'll know, and also
they're good at like haggling in

like sort of like... like, we're
not paying that much, like that

Like I have the cool gay brother.

Yea.

[Door bell]

Hi. Hey.

How are you?

Good.

Whoa.

I got it.

Hi, hi.

My little cheerleader.

How are you?

Good to see you.

You, too.

Good to see you, you look great.

Thank you.

[Barking]

Oh, hi buddy.

Who's this?

Rambo Rambo, chill out.

Can we just move through here.

[Glass breaking] Oh, sorry.

Sorry about that.

Whoa.

I almost spilled the pizza.

Uh, what's... I'm sorry, Nick.

Nice to meet you.

How's you doing bro?

You, too.

[Music] Thanks for having us, man.

Well, can we set up the X-Box?

Watch out for the plant.

Yeah, careful of that.

[Glass breaking] That's all right.

Sorry.

So, Josh never told me how you guys met.

Oh, my God.

We met at a ESPN Zone.

[Instrumental music]
Yeah, we got into a bar fight

and then, uh, we ended up just
making out at the bar.

The whole bar freaked out.

Yeah.

Weeks.

We actually had some questions
about maybe you could help us do

a little redecorating later.

Um, in the morning, we both
do a lot of Jager bombs.

Do you have that?

We were just going to take you
down to this pretty nice café.

And buy a bottle of Jagermeister
is what you're saying?

Watch out!

Don't!

[Breaking glass]

Are you sure they're gay?

I mean...

They're slobs.

Should we still ask them to redecorate?

I got totally ripped off
on the gay relative thing.

Let's just get out of here.

Like, I can't see this mess anymore.

[Instrumental music]

[music]

Oh, my God.

What is going on here?

Hi Sis, what do you think?

Is that my blazer?

Mabes.

Did you always have that little lisp?

Yes, I've had it since I was born.

This is how gay people talk.

It's so clean.

I...look at the floor.

How did you guys have time
to clean everything so much?

When we were sleep, I heard you
say we're disappointing gays,

and we just wanted
to... we felt bad.

We're... we're being
close-minded and weird.

Yeah.

Like, I prefer you the other
way, where you're just my

regular brother that's acting normal
with someone that you clearly like.

I'm so glad we can be
ourselves around you.

You want to go get... do
some Jager bombs?

I can talk like this now?

Yes.

Carrie, I love you.

Nick, I love you, too.

Gross.

[Instrumental music]

All right.

We've been wearing
helmets our whole life.

When you take the helmets off,
that's the moment we're doing drugs.

We're adventurers.

We're not playing it safe,
but we do have to plan.

I can maybe get Tuesday off work.

What if we do the 7th?

The 7th, I have bar class.

I want to be up and ready for that.

I mean you might be
super ready after this.

I mean, maybe you'll
just be excellent at it.

It could be my best bar class.

The spiral symbolizes drug day.

I mean, I imagine we're
going to be vomiting a lot.

You know what?

Dentist, because people
grind their teeth on drugs.

I think get a fitting for dentures.

Passport renewal.

What if we end up in Mexico?

Is there anything else?

Maybe we'll make a video for Grover?

Hey, Grover.

If you're watching this, what
happened was daddy took drugs

and kind of went off into another world.

Don't follow trends.

Try not to listen to
electronic dance music.

I think that's just going to be a phase.

Oh, and uh, when you're asking
somebody out,

play it cool.

First things first.

We need a by sitter.

Oh, okay.

We'll get Monica.

So, you don't have a return time set?

We might be back in five minutes.

Could be back in five
days, could be two years.

This could be it for you
in terms of your new life.

I...yeah.

That kind of poses a problem
for me just time-wise.

Because you're still in school.

Monica, you... you'd
make a great mom.

But I don't... I don't...

We don't know what's going to happen.

We could gouge our own eyes out and like

put each other's eyes in
each other's skulls.

Have you thought about not doing this?

Worst case scenario, we come
home, things are a little crazy.

You just take Grover, and
you go into the panic room.

What?

The panic room.

Do not let us in.

No matter what.

Hey, can you... can you hear us?

Yeah.

Can you let me in?

I forgot something down there?

Yeah, but you gave me expressed
instructions not to open the

door under any circumstances.

You passed the test.

Great.

Thank you.

All right.

Unlocking it so you can come out.

[Instrumental music]

Acting up today for some reason.

Yeah, me too.

Do you have enough for the day?

I've got my Kleenex here.

Ahh Let me hide it from you, and you
tell me if you can see it and if

this seems gross.

Hi, may I help you?

And then if I was
just... to just kind of...

No, I noticed that.

Uh, can we help you?

Hi.

We're looking for the owners here.

Why?

We're here because there's been
a lot of car break-ins in the

Can we see your credentials, please?

Uh...

I can show you ID.

Just... sorry.

Can I see your patch, please?

My patch?

Yes, sir.

I asked... I asked very clearly
if I can see your patch.

I've never been asked that before.

That's not against the law to
ask if I could look at a patch.

No, please...

Do you have a search warrant?

I don't need to search
the store or anything.

Oh You don't need a search warrant.

You march in like the Gestapo.

This is our barrier.

This is our moat.

And I respect your, uh, your barrier.

Our moat.

She said moat.

Moat.

I'll respect your moat, but...

I saw something suspicious.

I saw a gentleman who
is taller than you.

Uh, he has... he had short dark
hair, and his arms were in here

in his... his vest like close to
just all of his pockets, and a

little bit of facial hair over
here, and he was staring at me

like this. -Uh-huh.

And then he shook his head.

It's been a great, uh, time
chatting with you, but we're

going to go ahead and move down
the street and talk to some

other business owners, but uh...

We have some questions for you.

Toni, tissue?

I'm good, Candice.

Tissue?

Tissue?

No, thank you.

Don't need it.

You play a good game, but does he?

Sooner or later you're going to
need a tissue.

Did you have a question for me?

Don't piss me off.

Ma'am, I mean... I... I... it's
probably an emotional time?

Hey, I get it.

You know, she can come
across as a little unhinged.

If you want to go ahead and
fess up, I'm right here.

You want to ask us questions,
you do it with respect because

leme tell you my friends...

[low whispering]

I can't hear you.

[low whispering]

You're not...

You...

Uh.

We're doing nothing wrong.

These are police officers who want to
be interrogating us and bothering us.

That's great.

I'm going to do one... a little
selfie of me just drinking tea.

Okay.

I think I'm done.

Candice, call the police.

We are the police.

Prove it!

That's what we thought.

Give our love to the commissioner.

Bye.

Hey, do you have like a safety pin?

This is what my last
relationship felt like.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[Instrumental music]

Starving.

Yeah.

What's this place?

Oh, best of Portland Thai food.

Bridgetown Weekly.

Let's do it.

Give it a try.

Yeah.

Kaeng khanun?

Yep.

Thank you.

And red curry?

That's great.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Everything good?

Uh, well, we're going
to... we're excited to try it.

Red curry is, uh, is very,
uh spicy, but it's very good.

All right.

Did you get like a child's portion?

I don't know.

Yeah.

This is really sweet,
which it shouldn't be.

Yuck.

You don't like it?

Not really.

I like my rice, I guess.

It's like ketchupy.

Why is there no one in here?

What'd it say out front?

Best Thai food, right?

Yeah.

Bridgetown Weekly.

What is Bridgetown Weekly?

It's one of the alt
weeklies in town, right?

Are you sure?

I think so.

It's just some alt, alt weekly.

I mean, I don't... the
best Thai food?

This is my only shrimp.

Just one little shrimp.

Why... why would he list it?

For them to actually endorse this place?

Yeah.

Seems weird, right?

I know.

How about they see us and see our faces?

Let's go there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[Instrumental music]

Hey, hey.

Welcome to Bridgetown Weekly.

Thanks.

Listen, we want to, um...

you're very familiar.

Spike, it's the guy from
the Thai restaurant.

This magazine is just designed so
they can write reviews of themselves.

What?

Yeah.

It is a real weekly.

So, everyone here just writes, huh?

What about that lady right there?

I'm writing a review of movies.

Okay, like uh...

We love Paul Thomas Anderson movie.

Boogie Night, wow.

Magnolia, you kidding me?

Yeah.

Okay, well, first of all, that
lady is the waitress

There Will Be Blood blew me away.

That was a good one.

Spike. Okay.

Joaquin in The Master.

Wonderful.

Number one 2012.

I could talk to you
all night about this.

Thank you.

That is a real weekly.

She does music festival listings.

Uh-huh.

Mumford and Son.

And what about the kid right there?

He write the sex column
called Savage Love.

No, Dan Savage writes Savage Love.

That's him, that's him.

It's not Dan Savage.

That's Dan Savage.

It's not, I...

He's Dan Savage.

Hello, Dan.

Hey, Dan.

Great column.

That is a real weekly.

Let's look at this.

Spike.

Remember this cover?

Uh...

This is great.

Shattered promises.

Glass is broken, and you don't
know who the politician is, like

is he ruining the city?

I'm running a story about
sticking it to the man, and

legalization of marijuana and, uh,
on the headline "Your Tax Are High."

Nice work.

Spike, come on.

Like your tax has been smoking weed.

No, I... I... it's like a pun.

This whole weekly is a scam.

It's the big charade so they can put
up a best Thai restaurant sticker.

Yeah, but still, I mean it
opens people's eyes, right?

You should work here for me.

Yeah?

Where do I start.

Order up.

You see another one like this red piece?

We're just dropping these two off here.

This is where they live, right?

Yes, they do.

We are on drugs.

What?

We are on drugs.

We might jump out of a window.

I have no idea if I'm speaking
gibberish or what's happening.

Oh.

Am I screaming right now?

You're fine.

You know, they flagged us down
just a little bit ago.

I just wanted to make
sure they got home okay.

Thank you so much.

I guess we should go
underwater again, huh?

Um, I'd like to apologize
on their behalf.

That's not necessary.

Thank you.

Negative space right now?

Not to my knowledge.

No.

I feel like there's a steady cam
like right here, like...

did I pull my own teeth out?

No.

Everything's cool.

You're golden.

I'm golden?

No, figuratively speaking.

You're not... physically,
you're not golden.

Are you sure this isn't normal?

I know both of these people.

They have never done
anything like this before.

Please don't listen to
a word she's saying.

She is on drugs right now.

No.

I'm not.

Are you on drugs?

She is on drugs.

Your shirt says you're on drugs.

Who put this on me?

Monica?

She made them.

She's framing us.

I'm not pointing fingers, but...

How long have you known
me, the both of you?

Wait, the both of us?

Who do you mean?

Am... am I two people?

No.

I was talking to both of
you... to you and your wife

standing right next to you.

My wife?

He's not my wife.

I think we're going to go now.

I can take it from here.

Thank you.

Please don't go Have a good night.

Thank you.

No.

No.

No.

Those were my best friends.

It's really hard to explain
unless you've done it, but it's

very special, and
we... we did it perfectly.

It was just like... like that.

Just like a very tall peak.

It was crazy.

I mean, we lost our minds.

[singing] I see a rainbow

In my head

Who are the new outsiders?

Grave robbers.

G-R-A-V-E.

No one stays dead to me.

The V as in Victor.

It's so funny when you say Victor.

Everyone has a different...

Way of...

Mnemonic device.

A Mnemonic device.