Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 6 - Bahama Knights - full transcript

Carrie and Fred go home after a concert. Fred has an idea for a music documentary. Peter is reunited with his old band, The Bahama Knights and his ex-wife lead singer.

So this was just the will call line,

now we have to get in the line to get in?

He said left or right?

Seriously?

Right in front of me.

Can I have two waters, please?

Can I have two waters?

Excuse me.

Is it me or you?

Um, I'll go.

Um, okay.



I'm next.

What happened?

- Thank you, Portland.
- Yeah, Lets get going.

Thank you, Portland.

Encore, encore, encore, encore.

Thank you, Portland.

♪ Going home, ♪

♪ Going home, ♪

♪ I am going home ♪

♪ Finally on my way, ♪

♪ I am going home. ♪

♪ It's not far ♪

♪ just close by ♪

♪ Through an open door ♪



♪ I'm just going home. ♪

Prince tickets are on sale.

Okay. Let's go.

Peter.

Your old band is playing in Portland.

Bahama Knights?

Yeah.

That's not my band.

I mean, it's kind of more Anita's band.

Well, could you call her
and, and get us on the list?

She's not going to, no, I,
I, I, I, well, and, yeah, I,

Nance, let's just buy tickets.

It's just so much easier.

Peter, she's your ex-wife,
and I think she's great.

I'd love to see Bahama Knights.

Okay.

I'll go if you want to go.

Okay, great.

That's a loud celery.

♪ Ahhhhhhh ♪

I love that song.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Hi.

It's you.

It's me.

It's me.

And Nance.

Hi.

It's my Nance.

That's my Peter.

There it is.

For who?

We used to, we used to
kiss, but now we kiss.

Stuttercup.

There you are.

Look at that.

That makes me want to do that again.

Get over here, little guy.

Look at you.

Are you nervous for your show?

It's been a long time.

It's been a really long time,
and, and, and we're, we're very

excited to see you play.

The Knights miss you.

Well, I'm an audience member now.

Remember this?

Bud ump.

I love that.

Why didn't you ever tell me that.

I'm a percussionist.

There's percussion in here.

I just want to say before the
show begins and then I don't

have to say it afterwards, but
being married to you, Pete, was

one of the best times of my life.

Well, you know something?

We're good friends now.

Yeah.

I wish we'd had kids together.

I, what happened with that?

- I...
- Well, I came along.

That's pretty much what happened.

Hey, I've got another lady over
here, and you're going to try to

get her jealous over here
and reminiscing over here.

You're going to have a
little cat fight over here.

- I have a question for you guys.
- Yeah.

- Have you seen Titanic?
- Yes.

- We have, absolutely.
- Tragic.

I just saw it.

By the way, it was the entire
ship, not just the front.

It was the entire...

- It was the back?
- The whole thing. It was the back,

- And the middle?
- And the middle

It sinks.

It did sink.

And it never came up.

At the end of the movie I thought,

they would say ok, and then finally
it floated to the top again...

- It... they can't find it.
- No.

Anita, they're ready for us.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi, Kurt.

I'm Peter.

Peter, Nance.

Hi.

Nance.

You have my job.

Yeah.

That's okay, right?

It's, it's cool, Kurt, it's cool.

When, when you do your thing,
try to say something about

George W. Bush, too,
when you're up on stage.

Peter.

He's a war monger.

I'm going to be dancing.

All right.

Great.

Have fun, you two. Enjoy the show.

Thank you.

Enjoy the show.

Ha, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, guys, hi.

You know what I just watched?

A documentary about the Beatles.

Seems like they're so many.

I think I want to do one.

- A documentary about the Beatles?
- Yeah.

I think I can make one.

So let me guess.

- It opens on 4 lads from Liverpool.
- Yeah.

- Some grainy black and white photos.
- Yeah.

They're playing at the
Cavern. They land at JFK.

A bunch of fans screaming their heads off.

I'm going to give you
co-writer credit on this.

This is so good.

But you know why I know all this stuff is

- from other Beatles documentaries.
- No.

Right, right.

I'm on Netflix that gives me a suggestion

of a Beatles documentary.

And there are 700 to choose from.

You choose...

Yeah, but yours is a new
one that has very few stars.

Very few stars?

Let's see, Ringo Starr.

In fact, his name is Starr.

I know their names.

I know. I'm saying but that's
what's in the documentary,

and it's my spin on it.

What is your spin on it?

Four mop top lads from
Liverpool who change the world.

Forever.

That's kind of... If I do it?

You should do it.

Just get a little film crew together.

Would, would you see it
classified as easy or hard?

I'm going to say that
it's going to be hard.

What?

Cut to JFK, and they're
coming off of an airplane.

Across from them are screaming fans.

Cut to the, Ed Sullivan show.

Here they are, the Beatles.

Still, the 4 of them, you know
like Paul with the mustache and

George with the mustache.

All of a sudden, it's the 60's
so it's just like random 60's

things of people experimenting.

There's one girl, and you could
see her belly, and she's going,

she's going like this.

I mean that's pretty great.

Congratulations.

You know the Beatles?

They're in India with a
Maharishi and they're kind of

like getting really spiritual,
and they're saying "peace."

Yeah.

We go to the Let It Be session,
where it's all starkly lit and

really serious, and then cut to the end.

That sounds like a great idea.

Yeah.

You should get the rights to
their songs, their sound track.

Yeah.

_

Um, that would be one billion dollars.

That's crazy.

Let's figure this out
because I do need these songs.

What if I used one song
over and over again?

It's going to be one
billion dollars regardless

of what you used.

What about like for, for parts of the song?

It's still one billion dollars.

What can I get for 50 dollars?

Would you like an apple?

- All right.
- There you go.

Thank you.

If you don't have a blue
or orange wrist band,

you've got to go to the bird side entrance.

I was told to come in this line.

Don't be like this guy
with a purple wrist band.

Wrist bands out.

No, no, no, no.

You guys, it has to be on your right hand.

No weapons of any kind.

Our bouncers are bigger than
you, and they want to kick you

out so bad.

If you have a green wrist band,
let it stick to the hairs of

your wrist.

Let me see your wrist bands.

Blue wrist,

that is for the dance tent!

Don't talk to me.

I just follow behind
everyone else really slow.

Come on.

I have a black and white
wrist band and a yellow.

Okay make a path this is VIP.

Make a path.

All access.

I can't really see from here.

What's that area up there?

You cannot go upstairs if you
don't have one of these green

and white wrist bands!

Who are you talking to?

You.

And that's if a king and queen show up.

A king and queen aren't going
to see a show in Portland?

Your Highness, right this way.

Good evening, Portland.

We are Bahama Knights.

Woo hoo.

Knights is spelled K-N-I-G-H-T-S.

For a little double entendre.

Woo woo woo woo!

One, two, three, four.

♪ I'm giving you a formal invitation. ♪

♪ But I don't want you
to get up out of bed, ♪

♪ to get up out of bed. ♪

♪ Tonight I'm looking for a fascination, ♪

♪ not on a bed but a hammock instead. ♪

♪ Dancing while in a hammock
floating from tree to tree. ♪

♪ Tree, tree, tree, around
sez, sez, sez, sez, sez. ♪

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would
like to do something exciting.

Please welcome one of
the founding members...

No.

Of Bahama No. Knights.

It's you, hon.

Pistol Pete.

Pistol Pete, get on up here.

That's my guy.

Okay, come on up here
Pistol Pete get up here.

There he is. Pistol Pete.

Get out of here Kurt, go sit down.

Pistol Pete everyone.

My guy.

Boy, we are sure happy
to be reunited tonight.

Ain't that right?

That's right?

Pistol Pete, ain't that right?

♪ Dancing on the hammock
from tree to tree ♪

♪ wam bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bo, do ♪

Yeah!

We are Bahama Knights.

Thank you, Portland.

You're amazing.

Goodnight.

Peter.

Peter, where are you going?

Peter.

Peter, where are you going?

Peter!

Peter!

Honey.

I love you.

I guess you're not the
only one left in the dust.

Who are you, sir?

My name's Kurt.

Bahama Knights?

How have you been? Good? Things are good?

I've been great, yeah, thanks.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, I just got, I just got a new car.

Did ya?

Did you lease or buy?

I bought it. It is now... it
is now my personal charriot.

Thank you so much for having us.

I'm really excited and
happy that you guys came.

We will always make ourselves available
to share your marvelous company.

The kinsmanship I feel with
you gentlemen here tonight.

I thank you for that, for looking at me

and telling me that.

- And I just met you.
- Well, thank you.

- Thanks, sir.
- Very nice to meet you.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Very nice to meet you.

I wish I was a brunette.

- Really?
- Brunettes rock.

No, you're rocking the blonde.

No, blondes you're jam. So, you're jam.

I mean it.

- Hey, we're all hot mamas, right?
- Yes right! You know what? To hot mamas.

Hey. Rock and Roll.

And also what a pleasure.

A pleasurable evening
with honorable gentlemen.

An exquisite cluster of fellows.

Dude, I could never rock leather.

I could never rock leather.

You know what I could rock? A pleat.

Pleat's are coming back.

Yeah. Pleats's could be
your jam actually right now.

Is that food rocking
your stomach right now?

- Just a little bit?
- A little bit.

I am a humble small thing.

I, I am a tiny molecule of... yes.

- Tut. Tut.
- I'm, I will not tut.

Tut.

You saw me get tutted, right?

I just want to say more than anything

that you guys rock as friends.

I mean, you guys are my rock,
and you guys are rock stars.

Yeah, sometimes when I'm rocking
and rolling, I'm by myself just

rocking it, I think about how
much this group, this rocking

group needs to get together
more often and rock.

Rock star, rock star, rock star, rock star.

I need my rocking lady friends.

You ladies are my jam.

Who's the fine damsel
you brought this evening?

My fair lady is Kate.

Out there is your lady.

The finest of them all.

I, I roll out the red carpet
for her everywhere we go,

and please come this way and
please sit down and please

I'll bring you some wine.

She's just...

So that sounds like things
are going really well.

Everything. Yeah, good.

How are things rocking along?

Well I mean I'm not
gonna say that is rocking,

it still rocks in a lot of ways.

I mean we rock dinner,

- we rock walks a lot.
- But is he rocking you?

I feel maybe like the biggest
rock star I've ever felt right now.

It's the air.

- You rock.
- It's in the hair.

- And look at your tone.
- Well, thank you.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Red. No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Your tie looks incredible.

Thank you, sir, that is far too kind.

Did you know anybody at the party?

- I didn't. Did you?
- No.

Hey, Nance, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

We had the best show.

It was really, really good.

Unbelieveable crowd. Right guys?

Wow...

We were just talking about it.

We have a whole lot of
inside jokes already,

right muffin, muffins, right?

Good one, Pete.

I'm laughing, too.

My God, I got to pee.

What?

I just made some tea.

I'm going to pour you some.

Hum...

You have the tops cut off of 'em, right?

Muffin, muffin.

- Peter, I tried a new almond milk.
- We're here?

Peter?

Ok. I have to go.

Where are you guys going?

Peter?

Bye. Love you.

It's just been unbelievable.

I mean, it's really been an amazing...

- ... experience.
- I got the cat a new collar.

We got back together and
immediately we just had that...

- ... feeling.
- Immediately. Absolutely.

Peter, are you talking to me?

- Ex-couples, it's just a lot of fun.
- Wait, what did...

Sort of sexual...

Peter?

Energy that happens.

Sort of like that song Afternoon Delight.

Do you mind holding this please? Thanks.

- Can you see?
- Get in here.

Hey. Peter, your hair looks really good.

Press mute on this.

What?

Sorry, Nance.

I'm having the time of my life.

We're parasailing.

Did they strap you into that properly?

Peter.

Wow.

We're up really high.

It seems like you're on a
vacation, and I'm just here.

We're playing in a volleyball festival.

What?

I got to go.

Peter? Peter?

I forgot to tell him I
finished that last can of tuna.

I've got a broken soul and a dusty heart.

Jeff? Sorry.

I'm, I'm sorry to stop you.

I'm just, what, what's up
with these lyrics? And...

That dusty, dusty road?

What was that first line again?

Got a broken soul.

Just say it, say it to me.

I've got a broken soul and a dusty heart.

Are, are, is your, were
your families okies?

Did they experience the dust bowl or... ?

No.

They were like upper management.

It's not literal dust.

But Jeff, here's the
thing about folk music.

Take someone like Woody Guthrie.

What a hard life he had.

His sister died in a coal oil fire.

His mom went crazy.

His dad was burned as well in a
coal oil fire, and then he ended

up drowning later on, and if
your heart is not literally

brimming with dust, let's
sing about something else.

Right. Press record.

♪ But a dusty heart ♪

♪ and a broken road ♪

- Hey, Jeff?
- Yeps?

Were you in a coal oil fire?

- Coal oil?
- Coal oil.

- Coal.
- Coil oil fire?

No.

We just want to know
what have you lived and

where did you grow up?

I grew up in the suburbs.

Were there any coal oil fires there?

Bonfires when, when our, football team won.

I, I, I, I've asked you this a
lot, and, and I know you think

I'm going to say coal oil,
but do you know someone who

was in a coal oil fire?

Canola oil, maybe?

No.

Press record.

♪ Like a crooked train ♪

♪ out tearing the world apart ♪

Forget about the crooked
train unless you've been

on a crooked train, which
would be problematic.

Smoke alarm ran, ran out
of batteries one time.

Okay.

It beeped for like a
week, and we couldn't find

where it was coming from exactly.

You could never predict
when it was gonna happen,

but it would just like...

beep,

beep.

It's like very, very, very long
silence just to where you think...

okay maybe it stopped.

Right.

And so you just relax
a little bit and then,

beep.

I like you.

Press record.

Stop record.

Press record.

Stop record.

Press record.

Stop record.

Press record, and we're good.

Press record.

♪ Batteries went out ♪

♪ in the smoke alarm one day ♪

♪ we had no way of knowing ♪

♪ we were in harm's way ♪

A couple I know used this
as their wedding song.

- No way.
- * Made a sound *

- Yes, it was beautiful.
- * That terrified *

Beep, beep.

Thank you, guys.

Beep.

We'll talk to you after the
show about something, even though

you're performing.

♪ To our island, ♪

♪ it's a funky island. ♪

♪ It's a wonderful... ♪

Everybody up.

Come on.

On your feet.

Peter.

Peter.

It's me, it's Nance.

Peter.

Peter.

Nance?

Why are you here?

♪ Well, I came here on this day, ♪

♪ 'cause you are my man ♪

♪ and we got a love worth savin', ♪

♪ and we need to make a plan. ♪

♪ I was walking down the beach, ♪

♪ and a wise man said to me ♪

♪ that it takes two bananas, ♪

♪ two bananas. ♪

The two bananas represent
a man and a woman,

me and you.

Together we make the perfect Daiquiri.

♪ It takes two bananas, ♪

♪ to make a Daiquiri. ♪

♪ I thought that I was whole ♪

♪ with my lime juice and my rum, ♪

♪ a maraschino cherry ♪

♪ and just one banana chum. ♪

♪ I was blind, you'll see, ♪

♪ and I hear what you're saying to me ♪

♪ that our two bananas ♪

♪ make a better recipe. ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes two bananas ♪

♪ to make a banana Daiquiri. ♪

♪ And when you add a third banana, ♪

♪ the drink just gets too sweet. ♪

♪ You can't even get it through the straw.

♪ It just ain't no kind of treat. ♪

♪ Because it takes two bananas. ♪

♪ To make a proper Daiquiri. ♪

♪ Two bananas. ♪

♪ To make a proper Daiquiri. ♪

♪ Two bananas, ♪

♪ to make a banana Daiquiri. ♪

♪ Two bananas for a Daiquiri. ♪

♪ Two bananas for a Daiquiri. ♪

♪ Two bananas for a banana Daiquiri. ♪

♪ Going home, ♪

♪ going home ♪

♪ I am going home. ♪

I've been rocking the
single life now for like

ten and a half months.

Single life, rocking it.

I'm going to bed alone,
so there's not really

a lot of rocking.

I have to let, do the inner
work, my inner work is my rock.

It's my jam.

I put my shoes on one rock at a
time because I'm rock and roll.

That surgeon that operated
on my dad, he was a rock star.

A rocking toast to rocking ladies
rocking the wine, rocking...

We just rocked that toast.

Rich girls having some

rocking good time.