Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 5 - Spyke Drives - full transcript

I think once you get
the clock going here.

Fred should we go inside?

I feel like I just felt the
teeniest drop of rain.

Oh ok, well just get the box
there.

[Bone breaks]
Ow! Ow!

[Dramatic music]
Wha-- wha-- wha-- what happen?

- Don't move.
- I don't know, I'm not ok.

It's my ankle, this
feels pretty bad.

I love you.

I think we should
probably go to the hospital.

Can, can, can you drive?



No I can't drive
this is my driving foot.

Do you want me to
call your mom?

My mom lives in Seattle.
It's really hurting,

Peter please. I need, I'm going
to need you to drive.

Ok.

[Turn signal]
Am I ok?

Peter please go.

Some bicycle is coming hold on.

- Peter go.
- Ok.

- Peter go, Peter.
- I am I am!

Oh this car wants to go
through. I need to turn back.

Oh my God, please.

I'm letting him through.

Peter I need you to
man up right now.



I am I am!
Wait let me look at the GPS.

Put your phone down
and drive the car.

Left, right, right...

Put your phone down and
drive, this is an emergency.

Ok, there is a
pedestrian there.

Peter please go.

What's the speed limit here?

You're going zero
right now! We're

going slower than a bicycle.

I don't want to be a lead foot,
have you ever heard that insult?

Stop the car.

[Car door open alarm]

I'm limping faster
than you're driving.

- Nance!
- I will meet you at

the hospital.

[Turn signal]

Don't look at me right
now, look at the road.

It's green please go, Peter,
it's a green light, Peter

- make the turn, make the turn.
- [Mumble]

Make the God damn turn!

I have to wait, it's red again.

Peter just make a right on red.

- You can do that?
- Peter please.

- I'm peeking out, peeking out,
- Stop peeking out

- that's not a term.
- Peeking out

- peeking out, peeking out
- That's not a term.

- Peeking out...
- Please Peter, go! Peter turn,

turn this car.
[Horns honking]

Why is everyone beeping, that
guy just made a face at me.

[Car horn]
I'm sorry.

Please, please go. My ankle
hurts so bad and you're driving

- like a fucking pussy.
- Huh.

I love you and you're
hurting me right now.

Oh look at these people.
[Crowd yelling]

Peter it's a critical
mass we can't go through.

They're just protesting
cars. Turn around.

Man in crowd: Bicycle rights!
We're not going anywhere.

Get out of the car and tell them
we have an emergency and we need

to get through.

[Crowd yelling]
My my my...

I'm calling 9-1-1.

- I'm just saying, my wife...
- [Stuttering]

...and she hurt her ankle
and I'm just trying to go

- two streets down. I'm just probably...
- Okay. Thank God.

- You're taking too long.
- What?

I'm going to the
hospital, see you there.

Can I go in the ambulance?
[Sirens/crowd yelling]

[Music]
Oh my God you're already done?

Yeah.

I couldn't make any
left turns, so I took

rights all the way here.

Ok, let's go home hun.

Get in the passenger
seat I'm driving.

I love you.

[Car engine]
Whoa!

[Theme music]

[Music]

Hey brother.

It's insane out there man.

- Ah, tough ride, huh?
- Yeah,

they're doing construction on
the MLK right now, I mean there

are idiots out there on the road
and these drivers are morons.

I mean I banged on this one
guy's hood I was just like...

- Ah good for you brother.
- Hell yeah.

- Who do you think I am?
- Hold you ground man.

You want to ride
past and smile? "Hi".

Hey dude, t-shirt business is
good right now. Printers are

printing as fast
as they can, the

thing is we got
to get orders out.

What's up?

- Orders are getting bigger.
- Yes.

But unfortunately that means
that they are taking longer.

Were you planning on
talking to me about something?

Yeah, I did have kind of
a plan to talk to you, yeah.

The bike is not cutting it.

Ok, you want to get me a new
bike, is that what it is?

I want you, to get a car.

[Music]

We need to get orders out, huh?

Yeah, you know I should get a boat
too, maybe a couple motorcycles

- you know a helicopter.
- I need you

- to get a car.
- How much are they

- $70,000 what is it?
- No

I think they are probably a
little less than $70,000.

- What are you doing to me?
- Do you really think

- I want to hire Wayne?
- Are you trying to fire me?

Do you think I want that guy
working here full time?

Wayne is probably
one of the dumbest guys.

That's not a brain
in that skull.

So the fact that I'm even
thinking about hiring him,

full time, that should tell you
that we are pretty serious

about moving forward with this.
If you just get a car.

You're serious, huh?

What did I just get done saying?

You said Wayne is
an idiot, one of the

dumbest guys you've ever met.

- You know...
- I could use a raise

though, I mean look.

- Yeah.
- Me, yeah.

me and Iris have
been talking about it.

[Sips water]
That was great water by the way,

you got a good batch.

Pump up production.

- I'll think about it.
- Yeah, and then get a car.

[Dramatic music]

- Iris.
- Huh.

If I got a car

would you still love
me in the same way?

[Music]

- It's fine dude.
- Alright.

It means I got to like
buy a car, how do, what

do people do?

It's probably better if
you just go with a friend.

Just go with someone
that knows about cars.

[Bell]

Yea I can help you find
a car. No problem,

alright later bro.

Spyke wants me to help
him find a car.

[Laughter]
Spyke with a car, ha ha.

Shit, you guys are cool.

[Music]

And this guy is a politician...

[Laughter]

Excuse me, I'm going
to go hit the bathroom.

That's great.

Oh we should probably
get going too so...

- Yeah.
- Wine.

Thank you guys so
much for everything here.

You know there is a
saying about wine.

[Music]

That the Italians have,
see when I die, drink wine.

If I come back to
life, drink more wine.

- That's great.
- I love that.

Again thank you guys
so much for having us...

Wine is sort of the road sign to
travel, it's a sort of passport

to another world.

That's very true hun.

And we are all the damn same.

You know...

- Again thank...
- I'll tell you a story

a buddy of mine and myself
traveled through Nepal

- you know the story.
- It's a great story.

- We're going to...
- Check into the motel,

a couple beds in there,
I mean by beds I mean

springs with some cloth over
them. Um, you know tap them on

the shoulder. I said what the
hell do you want I'm trying to

- take a damn nap.
[Whispering] - We need to go, I can not

listen to this any longer.

Second tap on the shoulder I
said, I want to take a nap.

- [Laughter]
- That's great, good friends.

- Yeah.
- We really want to thank you

this has been such good food,
such good times, good friends,

- good wine...
- Third tap on the shoulder...

- Oh.
- I turn around. I see Richard

- is over there.
- Oh.

Open my eyes, there's a
monitor lizard. I'm, I'm-- from

- the movies.
- Wow.

The thing bites into me, he sees
this, runs through in between

beds. He punches this
lizard. Eggs come out.

Have you heard anything
like this before?

I don't exaggerate when I say
about twenty little lizards come

- out and we gave them all names.
- Unbelievable.

- Named them after The Beach Boys.
- You know what, speaking of

traveling. We gotta travel back
home so. Gotta get to the

- sitters.
- And, uh, we get to the airport.

- Ok.
- And all the signs and we can't

read a damn thing, you know. We
didn't bother to learn the

language or how to sell things.
And Richard kind of goes, hey I

gotta you know use the bathroom.
And we're looking around trying

to find a telephone. You
know like a phone booth.

And I don't know the word for
telephone. So I'm doing this...

[Stabbing sounds]
[Dark music]

Well we're free.
[Joyous music]

Hey, what's going on?
What'd I miss?

Twas a funny thing,
Robert were telling a...

[Stabbing sound]
Hey Renee! Let's go.

[Music]
Hey what's up. Welcome to Pet

- Haven, I'm Jaime.
- And I'm Trish.

Well look who's up for adoption
again at Portland Pet Haven.

- Rascal.
- Rascal's previous owners

returned him because, ewww.

Rascal
we're just trying to get rid

of the dog at this point. This
dog shouldn't be here, it should

- be there.
- In your home.

Just let him be with you. He's
really smart, super smart dog.

I mean he was able to find a
baby's crib. Way upstairs.

[Music]

[Music]

- [Clapping, cheering]
- Thank you.

- [Indistinct background talking]
- Hey you guys on tour?

Yeah. We're doing a little
run up the West Coast.

What's your guitar
is that a Vox?

Yeah, that's a Vox Cheetah.
It's from the '60s.

- Is that a Fender Wah?
- Yeah, this is yeah.

Yeah, I had one of those. Is
that an Ibanez distortion?

- Yeah, it's like an octave distortion.
- Let me see it.

You should get an external power
for it. Cuz the battery what it

- does is it drains out the actual...
- I actually like the

- sound of the pedal...
- You do?

- Yeah, I mean...
- What's that amp, what is that?

- Actually that's a local company.
- Yeah, I know David who makes

them. He's one of the best
cabinet makers in this state.

- Yeah, it's also kind of cute. Like I like...
- It sounds like

- a tube amp. Well it is, I mean
it is a tube amp. - Well it's

warm.
[Intense music]

- Yeah.
- What's this? The back stage?

- Hey. - Is that your drummer?
- Uh, yup. That's my drummer.

- What's that some pretzels?
- Yeah.

- What's that some M&M's?
- Yeah.

- I've done those before. What's
that your shoes? - Yes.

I can't remember if you wore
them on stage or not. Did you?

- I did.
- What's that your jacket?

What are you folding
it over your back?

What is that the doorway?
What is this? Outside!

What's that a bus?
[Music]

What's that? Your arm in the
center of the steering wheel?

[Steering wheel horn]
Wow that is a real horn.

What's that?

[Truck horn]
Wow. I like the sound of that.

Sort of an outdoor thing going.
[Truck horn]

[Steering wheel horn]
Like this.

[Truck horn]
What's that?

[Light horn beep]
Oh that's cute, more of a

beeping.
[Steering wheel horn]

[Cell phone rings]
[Truck horn]

I think your phone is ringing
too. It's got a little...

[Truck horn]
[Music]

[Steering wheel horn]
[Little horn beep]

What's that your gas pedal?
[Engine revs]

[Cars avoiding accident]
[Tires squealing]

What's that?
[Music]

- Lance thanks for helping me out.
- Sure man.

I appreciate it, you know I don't
know anything about cars at all.

- Well I know a lot about cars.
- So you know about engines

- and stuff?
- I know everything about

- engines.
- Hey, how can I help you guys?

- My amigo here is looking for his
first car. - Big day.

Look I'm usually on a bike, ok.
I don't want a car. I hate cars.

But I need it for work.
[Twinkle sound]

I got you pegged. Come with me.

You know most cars try hard to
give off that I don't care about

cars vibe. But this car means
it. If you're going to commit a

crime this is a great car to do
it in, cuz how would you

- describe it?
- What's under the hood?

I would assume an engine, but nobody
has actually ever opened this.

I don't need a lot of flash,
but that's got nothing. Next!

Woaaaa! So that's sort of the
vibe of this car. Spring break,

flip flops. This is definitely a
pack of dude's kind of car.

- Let's go.
- I don't put my pack with other

- guys packs. You know what I
mean? - Do some shots, get a

- couple date rapes in.
- Ah, this isn't me. Next car!

Shit. Woaaaa! This car has a
bio-diesel engine. You can go to

any diner and go, hey can I use
your old oil and you just pour

it in there. It does constantly
smell like French fries, which

is good or bad depending on how
you wanna sort of take that.

My buddy he's never driven a car
before. I just think this is too

complicated of an idea for him.
You know, you ride in the car,

right? It's not like a bike.
You're not getting on top of it.

You're inside the thing,
huh? I don't know.

So this is a vintage muscle car.

[Kissing car sounds]

He likes this car.

Yeah, but I'm the one buying.

This is a great car man. Ever
put your hand inside this?

- It's hard not too.
- I don't know if it's a good

- starter car for me.
- Ho ho ho ho ho. Look at that.

You kind of have to be a
mechanic to drive this car.

- I'm a bike mechanic.
- She's not a bike.

Alright.
[Rock music]

Classic art car, you know. This
is like the face tattoo of cars.

Now I don't want anything I
drive to be a statement.

I just want a simple car.
[Word car echoes]

Why didn't you say that? I have
the perfect car for you.

[Disco music]
Here it is. You know this car is

- the default setting. - It's like
it was designed while someone

- was sleeping or something.
- And then one guy was like we

should put some wipers on the
headlights. That guy got fired.

- How much is it?
- Some boring number.

[Angelic music]
Sounds like a sweet deal.

- I'll take it.
- Yeah.

[Jungle music]

There it is.

[Angelic music]
Congratulations buddy.

I'm a home owner!

[Upbeat music]

- Garage sale!
- Garage sale!

Gonna make some money today.
[Picture taken]

- Woaaa!
- Then we'll go to the bank

afterwards.
[Picture taken]

Good morning.

[Upbeat music]
Hi.

Hi, how are you? If you have any
questions about anything just

- feel free to ask.
- Sure, yeah.

[Upbeat music]
I think we should wait just a

little, a little while longer.
[Haunting music]

- Just pack it up?
- Yeah, let's just. Let's just

- go to goodwill.
- No one wants a scream mask?

[Upbeat music]
Oh, Fred.

- Oh Mr. Mayor, hi.
- Carrie hi.

- Hi, nice to see you.
- Thanks for coming.

Oh, I thought I was going to
miss it. Sit down, sit down.

- Relax.
- Alright, alright.

- Oh, haha. I can't believe this
is still here. - Yeah, we were

- surprised too.
- Wow. Everywhere I look I'm

- seeing things that I want.
- You're not doing this because

- you feel sorry for us, right?
- No, I love this stuff.

What is this? Oh my gosh. I
can't believe this is still here.

- Yeah, still works.
- How much for this?

- Twenty.
- I'll give you twenty cents for

this. The thing is it doesn't
have the cord or anything.

These are unbelievable... and
there's no disc inside.

- But it opens.
- I mean technology doesn't you

- know, but it still works.
- There's nothing obsolete about

- a CD.
- You take something like this

you could just... and just strap
it on. And you can run. You know

- like that.
- It only skips like every ten

- seconds or so if you're running.
- Wait I haven't seen these guys

for so long.
[Playful music]

That's fifteen and fifteen so
thirty dollars all together.

I'll give you three cents and
he's a little used so maybe

- two cents.
- Two cents?

- Fine.
- Is this, are you guys, still

- campaigning?
- That's twenty dollars.

No, why don't I put the
decimal point here and it could

- be twenty cents?
- You're taking any number and

- you're just turning it into cents.
- Well, it's just you

know, I'm haggling. This is
kind of odd, was is it a

- left hand or right hand?
- They both work.

Does it come with these?

No, I'll include
that if you want.

I'll take this whole side.

This whole side...

Yeah. I'll take everything from
there and actually how about

around there and then across in
front of you and then, how far

back can I go?

I mean we wanted to
just get rid of it anyway.

I'm fine with it honestly.

Sam!
[Bell]

Wow.

I wonder what he is going to do
with all of that stuff.

[Music]

What is this place?

- I have no idea.
- Hey Mr. Mayor.

Wuz up!
Hey welcome to Cafe, Y2K.

What?

I mean didn't you feel the 2000s
went by so fast you really had

no idea what they were.

Ah yeah, you're right, we didn't.

Well turns out it was
all the stuff in your garage

you guys were sitting
on a gold mine.

Yeah, that's my Game Cube.

You put something on a
little plinth, you know and

you put a light on it and
people freak out, people

love eating around nostalgia.

It just makes you hungry
for a past gone by.

So this is all 2000s?

Well I had to get an Eric
Clapton signed guitar.

It just takes a memorabilia
cafe to the next level.

- Right. - Right.
- Yeah.

Clapton probably just signs
guitars specifically for

- memorabilia cafes.
- Yeah, $10.

$10?

Come, let me take
you to your seat.

- How's the food?
- It's bad.

[Music]

[Singing] Toby, Toby, you love
me I need...

Ah, Doug.

You left your
dishes in the sink.

So what.

If you have breakfast it's so
easy just please, put them

in the dishwasher, it's just...

It's a bowl, a spoon and a cup.

It drives me crazy though.
Hi little dude, come here

little monkey, hi pooch, oh
tobeslarone, muchacho,

- poochie, pooch-a-roo.
- You have so many

- nicknames for him.
- Yeah.

I'm very affectionate.

Toby, you're the
man again man, ha ha.

Your dog voice
is super annoying.

To who? Not to Toby.
Because Toby loves me.

Want to look in the
mirror, uh oh.

Did you get
another Toby tattoo?

What do you think?

[Indistinct dialog]

Is this healthy? The way we are.
I feel like we give more love

to Toby than we do each other.

Even just physically
I'm just so much

more comfortable,
like touching him.

I mean I would mind if I had
that kind of attention.

Ok.
[Squeaking]

[Dog music] - Oh hey, how was work?
- Hi.

- How was it?
- Oh so, so good to see you.

- Is that?
- I guess.

Aw, did you do the dishes?

- Yeah.
- What a good boy.

Aw thanks.

What is it?

It's a cookie.

Good boy. Oh mmm, ow.
Easy soft touch.

- You came back, you came back!
- Aw who's here, who's here?

- Who's here, who is it?
- Arrgh.

Wow Claire this is
great thank you so much.

[Dog music]

Doug, come here, come
to bed. Aw, come here.

Oh this is great, it's
so comfy like this.

[Siren]

Do you hear something?

Doug, did you invite Tom and
Stacey to dinner on Friday?

I did.
[Drum roll]

Why did you do that?
Tom and Stacey are so

annoying, tom only talks
about Bitcoins and Stacey

only wants to tell me
about her new line of jeans,

bad boy.

[Barking]

[Panting]

[Turn signal]

[Music]

Works,

it's a good car.

I could get used to this.

Good alright.

You know what this is
good for, when it rains.

Hey come on.
[Music]

Watch it.
Come on.

I'm in a car.
Car here,

watch my car.
[Beep beep]

Come on, I almost hit you.

Watch out, watch out, watch out
bikes, this is my blind spot.

How slow are you going to go?
[Beep beep]

I have the right of way.
That's a lot of bikes.

Get out of my way.

Bikes!
How many of you are there?

Have a fun game, you're bikes.
Move out of the way!

Go go.
Drivers rights!

What are you smiling at? Come
on! Something has to be done!

[Cars honking]
Driver's rights!

We're taking back these streets,
this is a cars critical mass.

Move!

Where are you guys going to go?
Where are you going to go now?

Driver's rights
[Crowd yelling]

Listen to that music.
Driver's rights!

Driver's rights
[Horns]

Did you ever hear a
horn like that before?

Driver's rights, we want our own
lanes. Driver's rights!

Spyke?

What?

What are you doing?

Driver's rights!

That doesn't make any sense.

It does make sense, we
want our own lane.

For cars.

The fact that there are
road sort of implies that

they are for cars. You don't
need a car critical mass.

Yeah, but all of these bikes just
weaving in and out traffic

and running red lights, you know
you guys are doing it.

Spyke, not everything has to be a
battle, you know cars Vs. bikes.

First of all these
are your friends.

Hey, you got that hat?
What happened I thought

you through it out?
You picked it out of

the garbage, you put the hat
back on your head, how did

you even find it?

You're insane, you're nuts!

Spyke, when you're the opposition
to everything I feel like you're

at opposition to me and you know
I'm proud of you and I'm excited

for this whole car thing but
like you get so excited

and amped up about everything
that I just feel like you're

- against me.
- No I'm not!

Can you talk even in
a sort of quiet voice?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Let's walk away, let's just get
out of this mind set.

[Music]
How are you?

I'm good, had a
pretty good drive.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Pedestrians rights!
- Ok.

[Music]

We see The Beach Boys and a, an
older gentleman comes up to us

I want you to come and
do another show.

Sitting in the back of this bar,

it's Miles Davis.

Can I help you clean
up the plates?

We go to the bar at
table candle light.

Miles Davis was
this, this close.

I mean the trumpet was here.

- Wow
- I mean it sounded like

angels and devils
at the same time.

I mean this guy
could play the horn.

[Music ends]