Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 4 - Pull-Out King - full transcript

[Heart monitor beeping]

[Music]

Hey, yuppies.

Yuppies!

What happened?

Oh, my God.

You're awake.

You were in a coma since 1986.

Yuppies.

Yuppies.

Yuppies.



Yuppies.

Yuppies.

Yuppies.

We're foodies.

Absolutely.

Yuppies.

Hello.

Look at you.

Yuppies.

No, we're yogis.

Yogis.

Yuppies!
Yuppies!

It's a corgi.

How big is this
yuppie part of town.



Town?

Town?

- I mean--
- The whole world's like this.

Oh.

Ah.

[Music]

What happened?

How could people
let this happen?

Look, look.

We're drumming.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

What up? Come on.

[Drumming]
No more yuppies.

Die, yuppy scum.

No more yuppies.

- Die yuppy scum.
- No more yuppies.

I thought it was
two no more yuppies.

Okay.

Right?

A one and a two and a--

Lance? Lance!

What?

What is it?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

What do you want, Nina?

Would you mind taking that off

so I can look at
you in the eye?

I think that my
body's changing.

Do you remember I woke up
crying and then like I went

to sleep and then I was
laughing and then

I'm having all these emotions.

Then, I yelled at you and
then you yelled at me,

and then I cried again.

I think I'm pregnant.

No.

I've never gotten
anyone pregnant.

I can't.

I feel it.

My guts are like moving around.

It's, you're not pregnant.

I think my fingers
are getting fatter.

Look at this.

Your fingers look exactly the
same.

They've always been huge.

I can't even close my hands.

Remember when I dropped all
those marbles that I was

trying to show you?

I've never gotten
anyone pregnant.

Ask anyone.

Ask Jessica.

Ask Amanda.

Ask Tonya.

Ask Alice.

Ask Corinne.

Ask any of my exes.

I'm the pullout king.

I don't get no one pregnant.

That's your reaction to me
telling you this emotional

thing is I should go around
town asking for the--

What, what did you call
it the pullout king?

Yeah.

Say, hey, do you guys know
who the pullout king is?

They'll be like, yeah.

Compared to who?

Are there other guys?

There's no other guys
when there's a king.

Keep your voice down.

I don't want the
neighbors to hear.

You think they don't know
I'm the pullout king?

Rick.

Yeah.

Who's the pullout king?

You are.

That's right.

The whole neighborhood knows.

The whole city knows.

Well how come I don't know that?

I'm the last to know.

You don't know I'm in and you
don't know when I'm out

because I'm that good.

How about the time
in the backyard?

Pulled out.

What about that time upstairs?

Pulled out.

How about in here just to
keep our surprise and

I straddled you?

I busted through the concrete,

lowered myself down
about half inch.

I pulled out.

Back in.

I don't know what happened,
but I'm definitely pregnant.

Carolyn, I don't
know what to say.

Let's just-- let's
go take care of it.

No, wait Lance.

What?

If I'm pregnant,
I want to keep it.

What?

Maybe he'll look like you
and have a little mustache.

I think I'm going to
be a working mother.

And I think you should
be a stay at home dad.

I don't see myself as a dad.

That's why I pull out.

I don't want to talk
about this kind of stuff.

Well, we're talking
about it now.

Yeah, we are, and
it's stressing me out.

Sorry.

I'm the pullout king.

We could call him Glenn Danzig.

I'm the pullout king.

Or Glenda Danziga
if it's a girl.

[Marching band music]

When I say prairie,
you say home.

Prairie.

Home.

Prairie.

Home.

When I say Garrison,
you say Keillor.

Garrison.

Keillor.

Garrison.

Keillor.

Whew.

Hey, we saw a really good
companion up in Seattle, and

he's up there selling
a good Minnesota story.

Guess who walks on stage?

You will not believe this.

Terry Gross.

Two people in our
row passed out.

People were fainting.

Some people peed their pants.

It went late.

I mean, we're talking 9:30.

I tried to take a picture,
took out my phone, and it

fell into my sleeve.

Saw a good jug band.

Oh, you know who it was?

It was Old Crow Medicine Show.

Yes.

Ah.

Those guys rip.

How about it?

Just a--

You know what?
It's hard core soothing.

Yea, dig in.

All right, you guys first.

Let's get some tea.

It's yerba mate, I snuck
it through customs.

Don't tell anyone.

Need your fix?

Careful, this has a bite to it.

Oh.

Oh, uh.

We're looking at the spot.

It's a good spot.

You guys are doing a good job.

Oh my God.

You guys.

You almost got, you
almost said something?

The guys was like duh.

[Radio broadcast] Now his collapse
is being seen as an example

of the decline of Brazil's
economic fortunes.

Wow.

His father was minister
of my--

It's South America.

What was then the state run--

That will never change.

The younger--

You guys ever met Peter Segal?

He is so great.

He looks exactly like what
you think he looks like.

Yeah.

Ah, ah, ah!

So for this soup, I'm going
to give you some secrets.

Don't steal 'em from me
or steal and pass them on.

I don't care.

Just warm it up really--
you want to really low

flame.

I mean you want it so--
you want it off.

I like to call it just for
this, uh,

a puree home comp onion.

[Music playing]
Going bananas, look at'em.

You're insane.

Lunatic.

Turn it up, up, up.

[Music playing]

Hon.

You fell asleep.

Uh-huh.

It's time to go in
and see the concert.

Uh-huh.

Mae you just partied too hard.

Lay down with me.

Honey, it's not time
to do any romance.

I want to get in there
and see the show.

Come here.

[Snoring]

Welcome to Pet Haven. What's up?

I'm Jamie.

And I'm Trish.

And we got a lot of dogs up
for adoption,

and look who's back?

Rascal, an award winning
King Charles Spaniel.

Where's your award?

Show us the award.

What are you doing?

A bird went right into that
bird house right there, and

I'm not kidding.

No, it didn't.

There's a sort of
finch-like bird...

Nope.

...that sticks his head through
and curiously like looks up

and then goes back in.

I'm going to have the
last laugh

at the wrap party for this.

It's going to be funny as
hell because you guys are

going to see the film.

We have-- we're going to
have a projector there,

right?

Can we make this about Rascal?

And the screen?

Can we make this about Rascal?

What? The wrap party?

Adam?

Great to see you.

Good to see you.

This is Lance.

Remember, I was
telling you about.

Nice to meet ya.

Yep.

This is Adam.

He's a stay at home dad, and
I just wanted you guys to

get to know each other.

Hi, Chuck.

You guys talk.

Well, congratulations on
becoming a father, Lance.

I'm kind of known
as the pullout king.

I really doubt this is my
baby so after a paternity

test, I'm sure I'm not going
to be holding a toy and--

Don't you like toys?

Yeah, I like my motorcycle.

I have a two door Rav 4.

Do you mind?

Ah, oh wow.

His little nose
and little eyes.

Is he wearing contact lenses?

Hey, Wolfie, do you want to
tell Lance about the trains?

You know, kid, I
shouldn't even be here.

I'm kind of the pullout king.

What's that?

The train goes in the tunnel.

It's kind of deep in there.

Right before the steam's
going to come out of the

train, pulls out.

Let's the steam out out here.

He's kind of going through
a thing and like it's hard,

like I'm like a mother, and
there's like a boyfriend,

and he's mad and the house,
and there's like a million

things going on.

It like stresses me out.

I'm even getting emotional
right now, but at the same

time I'm just euphoric.

Hey Lance, I think you
should grow your hair out so

you could maybe be part
of the braid train.

It's more like a circle jerk
to me, but

I'm the pullout king so
shouldn't be here.

Oh, man.

You should probably see this.

What?

Pullout king?

Who is this guy?

I am pullout king.

They call me of course the
pullout king because

of these, um, sofas, that
pullout into a bed.

Love seat, sectional,
leather, modern, classic,

contemporary, and all
pullouts, and um, we're

having a sale that may seem
counterintuitive that I'm

here trying to broadcast
this news and making it our

little secret.

In fact, um, not everybody
knows about this, and um

nor should they.

It's a sale.

I am the pullout king.

Lance.

Where is he?
Where's the imposter?

Lance.

Lance.

Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey!

Are you okay, Jason?

What'd you do to Jason?

Why are you pushing?

There can only be one
pullout king,

and that's me, buddy.

Okay, take it easy.

I've been pulling out on
women for years and never

gotten anybody,
anybody pregnant.

You're talking about, uh, we
hardly know each other, but

this is-- you're talking
about something rather, um

personal and intimate.

You, you, you pull out.

Retreat, you know, back
into the turtle shell.

Turtle back into the shell.

And I'm the pond.

What?

This is where it came up.

Listen, here's the story okay?

It turns out that I maybe,
um, pregnant with child.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

You're having a baby?

You have limited space?

We just live in like one
bedroom so we don't have a

whole lot of room.

What if the one bedroom
becomes a nursery.

Follow me here if you will,
and the living room--

what if that became your bedroom
in which you could put

something larger
than you've ever had?

Oh, of course, it pulls out
so the living room could

still be a living room in
the daytime where you have a

lovely couch.

How would that even work?

Here it is.

This is our kind of, you
know, signature piece

because-- there he goes.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jason.

Wow.

I present the pullout king.

I think it's just so helpful
to be in a place width wise

where you can be entirely
snuggled as tighter than two--

Bears?

In a--

Tree?

Okay.

Yeah.

We could just squeeze that
right into the house just

barely.

It's nice and big like
the ripped cushions.

Aha, there she goes.

Look at that.

Hey, here I come.

Here I come.

I don't have to.

Want to take a picture?

Aw, it's cute.

I'll write to her tomorrow.

Rebecca's moving
to New Orleans.

She's so crazy to me.

Did you guys see that Nate
and Pam had their kid?

Ah.

I have to respond to that.

Just get it over with.

I just write what a cutie.

I want to write something
thoughtful and drawn out.

You get a limited
window to do it.

I have a year.

That's for a wedding present.

Okay. Tonight.

I'm going to do it
tonight or tomorrow.

Oh, she's so little.

You're just a little baby.

You're so cute just
like a little baby.

[Knocking]

Hello.

Oh, hi.

I just want to drop off a
little congratulatory gift

for you baby.

Baby?

Matthew, I think is the name.

That's me.

What?

Is your name James?

Yes.

I've heard about you.

When I sent the e-mail, you
don't respond for weeks and

weeks and weeks.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Now, you come to my
doorstep ten years later.

You might as well
come to my grave.

Might as well.

Wow.

Uh, I'm really sorry.

I feel really bad.

Wow.

You're kidding, right?

My inbox kept pushing that
birth announcement lower and

lower on my e-mail.

This happened and then I
tried to make a file that

said reply immediately, and
then I immediately forgot

about that folder.

Let me explain something.

When your best friends
have a baby...

Yes.

...you buy the gift, put it by your
bedside so when you

wake up, you pick it up, go
to the house the next day,

not ten years later, give
it to them like here you go,

baby, when I'm clearly not
a baby, and if I am,

I'm Godzilla's baby, and on the
bag next time maybe

have a card on the front.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I just had so much to do.

I was swamped.

Well, you were busy, huh?

Here, let me just
check your tweets.

TGIF.

Who's up for happy hour?

I'm at LAX.

I mean, we're out partying
having a good time.

No baby.

What have you been up to
for the last ten years?

Well, in kindergarten,
I did pretty good.

I never got cut by
the safety scissors.

Yeah, and I got a dog for my
birthday a few months ago.

Okay, so--

And a cat, fish.

What have you been up to
for the last ten years?

Been doing a lot, you know,
walking around you know,

work.

I got to be a little more
serious and wear a tie, but

other then that, just you
know, biking around, walking

around, driving
around a little bit.

[Instrumental music]

Hi there.

I'm here to see Shawn Davis.

Right, but if you circle
back to those June

statements, you're going to
see that what we actually

did there was roll it
over into the next

fiscal quarter.

That way we'll be able
to hold onto that 7.3 percent.

Yeah.

It's a W4 actually
and not a W9.

This is going to be awhile.

See ya.

Okay.

What band is he in?

Oh, he's a tax lawyer.

Oh yeah, that's the
name of the band?

X Lataer?

Fred, seriously.
He's not in a band.

It's awesome.

He works in an office.

He wears a suit.

He works 9 to 5.

And you like this?

I actually kind of love it.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Being passionate about
anything is sexy.

Carrie, I don't
know this about you.

All right.

Yeah.

How's that girl you're dating?

Oh, she's insane.

What's her name?

She won't tell me.

I had fun last night.

Oh.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

It was a good time.

Hard Rock Café Portland.

Yeah.

Didn't even know we had one.

Oh, I have something
to show you.

[Guitar playing]

Do you like?

Hold on.

It's a bass guitar.

I have to dump him.

I was going to have
him do my taxes.

This is a slippery slope.

A bass is a gateway instrument.

His role was to be the tax guy,

and I like that about him.

We have to save this guy.

We have to just get some
friends together

and get in there.

I mean, it takes effort
if it matters to you.

We're concerned, and we uh,
just want you to be able to

see the other side of
things a little bit.

Is this about the bass?

Did you show up in-- near
the bed with your bass

playing it plugged in
without a shirt and wearing

a hat?

Was that you?

That was my look
at that moment.

Yeah.

Hi, Shawn.

I'm Annie.

I have a band
called St. Vincent.

I tour.

I'm a professional musician.

When I was little, I
loved Lauren Hill, right?

Everybody-- Miseducation,
who hasn't heard that

record?

It's great.

Where is she right now?

In the news.

In jail for tax evasion.

You think she had a good
tax lawyer behind her?

Obviously not.

He's probably playing
bass in her band.

You know, without the right
representation, the right

people taking, you know,
keeping tabs of all the

money coming in, it
could go right out.

Shawn.

My name's Duff McKagan,
played with Guns N' Roses

and Velvet Revolver.

Yeah.

Hi.

When Carrie told me I had an
opportunity to come here to

your office, I
jumped at the chance.

What's important is you
stay doing what you do.

The logistics, I
don't understand.

I go out and tour.

I don't know what
the hell I'm doing.

My tax lawyer
comes into my life.

Every thing's suddenly
clear, and my taxes are paid.

There's enough bass
players out there, Shawn.

It's a lot to take
in, I'll be honest.

The bass, when I bought it,
because I used their credit

card at Sam Ash.

I don't know what
their return policy is.

Man, you start talking
about the bass we check out.

Uh-huh.

What I didn't know about the
bass is that there's a tone

on it, and it's-- it-- on
a 1099 spreadset, one of

the things that you want
to look for is to make sure

that they filled in
everything correctly and put

in all their dependents.

Oh.

You're a one man show.

You're your own rock star.

And dude, guy to guy, she
likes you so you gotta,

gotta go about it and do
what she wants you to do.

Yeah.

[Indistinct talking]

Every thing's all right, right?

What I can do is a mid
quarter conversion and we'll

wipe that slate clean.

[Applause]

Oh, you bet.

It's amazing.

I've never see
anything quite like this.

Yeah.

I'll talk to you later, Gus.

[Applause]

Employee work status form 239-B.

Fax.

Send a fax.

[Instrumental music]

[Horn]

Nina, couch is here.

All right.

Oh.

This is big.

Yep.

We want it. Okay...

Lance.

Look at our couch.

Oh, it's big and hardly fits.

Um, I think I'm not pregnant.

What?

I kind of just had my period.

What about your intestines
moving around

and your big hands?

Guess I just ate a bad
burrito or something when we

went to that Mexican place.

I guess maybe you
are the pullout king.

I don't know,
I'm kind of bummed.

I didn't want to be the
pullout king anymore.

I was ready to
give up the throne.

Want to try having a
family some other time?

How about right now?

You know, when you talk like
that, it really turns me on.

I kind of like imagining you
as a dad, pipe in your mouth.

Yeah, big old pipes.

Pipes.

Smoking hot pipe.

Taking care of little baby.

We're at a concert or
something or at a show and

putting a little rock
t-shirt on this little cute

little thing from some little
band or something

or like from a record label from
a long time ago or something

I don't know.

I just like to take care of
it and teach him how to use tools.

This couch might pull out
sort of, but I'm not going

to pull out at all.

Lance, really?

Uh-huh.

You want your kingdom
to be in here?

Yeah, populated.

I want you to put your
mustache all over me.

I will put this
mustache all over you.

I mean everywhere on this couch

which looks really nice.

I like how you put it in
here, and it's not

coming out.

[Cat screeching]
[Glass breaking]

Don't tip it over,
you're going to hit the wall.

Lets get out money's worth.

Watch your balls.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

- You just really--
- Hold on.

I can't.

You kicked me
right in the chin.

I did?

Ok.

Just so you know.

[Flatulence]

Sorry, Lance.

I think it's that
bad burrito still.

[Flatulence]

I don't think it's ever
going to leave my body.

I'm so close right now.

Can you be here?

Where?

I'm going to come to you
and I'm going to cum in you.

Why are you--
Why do you want to kick me?

- Oh!
- [Cat screeches]

Are you okay?

I'm great!
I'm so turned I just came.

Anyway, we're across
a lovely cemetery,

which is-- I like,
don't be alarmed by that,

there's nothing about
the deflating aspect

of life. But ***
always reminds us

of that is-- that there's something
about that that can be enlightening.

But you go, ooh-ooh,
boy...

That's where I'm gonna wind up,

whether I have a big
pull out bed or not.

I am the pull out king.