Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 10 - Getting Away - full transcript

Come on, Dave.

Pump it.

Dave, come on.

- Why is it not filling up?
- I don't know.

I've been doing this
for an hour.

We've got a hole.

What?

We've got a hole in the raft.

Well, I didn't have any keys in
my pocket when I sat on this thing,

is there another hose?
Is there something we can use?

You know what, I just wanted
a nice trip to the river.



Well, we're not gonna have it.

I shouldn't be this upset.

I'm not... I can't even
see the raft anymore.

I'm just clouded by anger.

This is just...
This is not...

This is not fun doing this.

We need to slow down.

We need to get away.

Let's go somewhere.

Let's get away for the week.

Shoes off.

Socks off.

Shorts off.

Shirt off, just...



Off.

Let's go somewhere where
I can sit and read every magazine

in that house that
has not been read.

Read some crappy newspaper
that has like four pages in it,

got it, why don't we
go to New Beavertown?

It's quaint, nice, quiet.

Getting away.

Well, welcome to the
feminist moon weekend.

We're gonna be getting away.

If you look up at the moon,
which we're gonna be doing

a lot of this weekend...

It isn't a man's face?

It's a woman's face.

We've made sure that
there's going to be

only women this weekend.

Yeah.

Even for a moment, just a
glimmer of a female utopia.

Sounds like heaven on earth.

See you later.

All right.
Here we go.

- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.

You guys ready to have a good time?

We're gonna call the
police in a minute.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No. I'm sorry, I'm your bus driver.

- Where's Kim?
- I'm Kim.

It's short for Kimtofer.

We have promised a
male free weekend,

and it's already
been penetrated.

We... we are short
staffed this weekend.

They're... they're...

This is not what
I signed up for.

Angel, we are stressed
enough as it is.

Angel, I'm very
sorry about this.

You're adding to it.

We're a fledgling bus
company, you know?

You know, my dad left at a
very young age.

I never really got to know him.

I was raised by my mother.

I was raised by my grandmother.

I was raised by my aunts.

A strong sense of self,
empathy, a sympathetic nature.

The things in the plus column
of females, you know it's...

In the puss column?

The plus... the plus column.

You know, if you made two
columns, a plus and a minus.

If you rape us, you know that is on you.

That's on me.

Of course, it'll be me.

All right.

Everybody get ready, gang.

Here we go.

Does anybody know how
to drive this thing?

Just... you better wait until we
get into the room.

Hey silly!

Get in there, get in there.

Hey...

Take this off.

Should I take this off?

You want to take this off?

Come in here.

Hurry.

- Let's do it, let's go in there.
- Oh.

Hi, could we... do you have any
of those do not disturb signs?

I don't have one on my
door, and... that's great.

I mean, it's really
important that we could...

Peter?

Yeah.

Come on, hon.

I'll be right there.

Ma'am, just do not
disturb, disturb at all.

Just tell the people
at the front desk.

Tell everyone in these rooms.
I mean no calls, nothing.

I mean, because it's gonna be...
the bed's gonna be... and

the headboard's gonna be...
and the room's gonna be...,

and the room's gonna be...
It's gonna stink.

umm, umm, umm.

Look at these brochures.

That's a lot.

Cave tours.

Zip lines, and,
and, and, and wine.

Hot air ballooning.

I don't know about that.

Get up there too high, you
won't want to come down.

Oh, hon.

Can we just try like a walking
tour then we kind of get a lay

of the land.

It looks pretty historic.

My eyesight's
getting... changing.

Have I changed?

Have... has what changed, hon?

The way I look at things.

Well, can you read that?

No.

Can you read that?

Yes.

Walking through a
historical... New Beavertown.

Tour leaves right
outside of brewligans.

Where is that?

Well, let's get a map, and
we will figure out

how to get there.

It says no
reservations required,

but I... I... I think we should
reserve anyway

just to make sure.

40 minutes until the next tour?

You want to go on
a little cave tour?

Little cave tour?

Oh, yeah, you know
what I'm saying...

You've sat on this?

This one before this is new.

Hey, where's the pool
we're here to relax?

Oh.

You know, if we
weren't here to relax,

I'd be all over that rack.

I mean, one little browse
can't hurt, right?

Dave, nuh-uh.

Let's leave the brochure rack.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

It's just tempting... rafting,
museum, forest, golf.

Nuh, that's fine.

Let's just go.

Huh.

Shut your mouth,
David Mordecai Glibs Felder

do not talk.

There is an outlet mall here.

Yes.

Uh...

We can't relax while
there's deals going on.

We need to devour those.

We got to go.

Hon.

Sunglass hut, Haagenn Dazs,

- Fossil.
- Coach Men's.

- It. - No.
- Get. - No.

Hi.

- Hello.
- We need to use your bathroom.

The bathroom is for guests only.

I'm sorry. We're on a road trip

and we're not wanting to
stop at some gas station.

Yeah, I'm not gonna use a truck stop
and be mistaken for a lot lizard.

Okay.

Well, we're completely full this weekend.

Well, my bladder's
completely full.

I'm sorry.

Well you've taken away
one of our rights.

So it seems like we should take
away something of yours.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Yeah.

Your mom sounds
like a wise woman.

Hello, there.

Yeah.

Good day to you.

We're just here to tell you
that you're heading into

beaver territory, and
to respect the beaver.

We have been worshiping the
beaver for decades, so...

- Very good.
- Yeah.

- Very good.
- Thank you.

- Enjoy
- nice to see you.

We shouldn't have a problem
respecting the beaver.

Angel?

Could I get a ride.

Hey, Toni, can you carry that?

My feet are tired.

Candice, she's not a sherpa.

Okay, now I'm pretty
good at maps here,

so it should be a giant sign
sun right here, kind of smiling.

Where's the building with
the espresso cup on top?

On, good question.

Maybe it's above
here or something.

Is that you taking the picture?

No because there's
no one next to him.

Oh, I'll just step out.

Oh.

That's great.

Oh wow.

Okay.

Peter, there's brewligans.

Oh, great.

Ooh, there's the tour.

Gather round everybody.

Check test, tour, tour.

Great.

So, welcome to the walking
tour of New Beavertown.

First thing everyone always asks
me is why is this place called

New Beavertown, and the answer
is because it was crawling with

Called beavers.

I was gonna say ants.

As recently as 1965, there were
over one billion beavers living

right here.

And, and, and, and, and, and,
and, and, and, and, and...

Go ahead.

Where are the beavers now?

As human population
grew in New Beavertown,

the beaver population was pushed
further and further out into the

forest to an area
called Grimwood.

What'd he say?

Grimwood.

As a result, humans had no
choice but to skin them,

use their skin in hats, and
they would take the meat,

and they would not eat the meat.

Humans are terrible.

We're awful, awful species.

All right.

So, follow me.

I'm gonna show you an old store.

Ooh.

So, this is the
second oldest store.

Beavers.

Look at the craftsmanship.

That's a lot of detail.

Look at that.

Wow.

The tour will be reconvening
outside in about five minutes.

Look, fuzzy ones and there's
a little Scottish one,

a little police officer.

I love little sculptures.

I love art, having it around.

We should start collecting them?

Hon, did we lose... did we
lose the tourist group?

Hello?

You know, I think we're good.

I know what the town
looks like, right?

It's not that big.

Okay.

Let's just explore on our own.

You show me the way.

All right, so welcome.

Pretty soon we're gonna be
walking up towards the giant

- coffee cup, then here we'll
- Peter. - See a baseball diamond.

The outlet mall.

Dave you'll never find a
cheaper pair of

- mildly damaged nautica pants.
- Yeah.

I mean, I think they only
sell nautica at outlet malls.

Polo, Bass, Jockey.

We got Hanes her way.

Zales.

Fantastic.

I love Zales.

Jones New York.

Van Heusen.

Isotoner.

Dave, what is it?

Yes.

I love you.

I love you.

I Love you.

I love you.

This is a photograph in
Beavertown taken in 1983.

This is the largest dam
of the pacific northwest.

Without this dam, the entire
town of New Beavertown would be

covered in our old friend, H2O.

If I keep going this way, the
giant beaver in the construction

hat should be... I think we go
back and, and, and, and, and,

Peter, this is an
artistic embellishment.

It's just a cartoon map.

Ah ha.

If we go... no, I think...

Peter, it's just a
little tourist map, hon.

It's not gonna help
us find anything.

It's not gonna help us
get back to the hotel,

which is where I'd like to go.

- It's getting late.
- All right.

- We lost the group.
- Yeah.

- Let's just go back and grab
a bite to eat. - Yeah.

Hon... but not with that map.

Well, we are just headed toward
the giant beaver statue.

Here we go.

Now, hold on everyone.

Can we have some quiet.

Kim.

This is really tough.

Kim, I'm talking to you.

I'm having a hard time
really feeling present in the

situation.

That guitar, your banging.

I..I... I thought the
guitar sounded great.

Will you just shoosh.

I thought you sounded good.

That's not the point.

It wasn't the time.

What?

- I get it... time.
- There was a time and place for song.

I want quiet.

I'm trying to keep
the fire going.

We've got a long
night ahead of us.

You can't chop wood silently.

No, I know that, but then
don't chop the wood, sir.

I'm gonna throw your glasses
into the fire and put 'em back

on your face again.

How'd that feel?

Uh, it would feel... I
would feel bad.

It's a good time for us to
just reflect and have silence.

Yep.

- Yeah. - Agreed, no more music.

Stop it.

Now, look what you did?

Wow.

$15.99.

A fleece for $15.99.

Can you imagine?

Unreal.

It's practically free.

Oh, is there a little bullet
hole or cigarette burn?

It's like a beauty mark.

What about this?

Is it a hole in the back?

Yeah.

I can stuck my hand in
there and massage it.

I bet they designed that way ***.

- Oh, it's 10.99.
- You have to get it.

I'll just stand on that side of you.
Does the zipper work?

Oh, it's a little bit of a...

No, no, no.

Does the zipper work?

That's what fleece is about.

You look great.

Smells like chemicals.

Dave, I'm shaking.

I know.

$8.99.

$5.99

$5.

$3.

It's only $2.

This is great.

Get it.

Unreal, this is great.

The length is great on you.

Well, it's good for like
if there's water, you know,

step into that.

You want this one, too, right?

Absolutely.

Dave, does the zipper work?

Yeah.

It's fine.

- I'm out here.
- Oh, you look great.

I feel so alive right now.

Me, too.

I want to keep shopping.

I have not seen the pijama section,
I haven't seen the spring collection

or the summer collection or last
year's fall ready to wear fleece.

- I say we come back early tomorrow.
- How early? - 7 A.M.

Honey, that is too late.

I say we sleep in
the car tonight.

In case there's a line,
I wanna be the first one.

- We're saving money.
- Let's do it.

Peter.

Should we go down...

Hon, please.

I...keep between these two trees...

No, honey, it's... it's getting dark.

We... we don't know
where we're going.

The big beaver saying that's our
true north, and... and I think it...

Peter, I'm tired.

My dogs are barking.

My calfs are mooing.

Can't you hear them?

I gotta sit down.

But we're almost there.

I...I...

We're not almost anywhere.

It is getting kind of late.

What time is it?

It's nine.

That's two hours
past my bedtime.

I'm just gonna put my
head down for a second.

Okay I just... I need to rest.

I need to conserve my warmth.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

But, I... maybe,
maybe... I could swear...

All right.

This is...

This is right here.

And I'm the
only male driver we have.

I rarely... I rarely even
get to drive 'em anymore.

It's mostly just about,
you know, bookkeeping,

and I haven't had the best... the
best relationships

with women romantically.

You haven't?

No.

No, I feel like I get
stepped on a lot.

If you ever want to know
anything about women...

God, are you kidding me?

You just call me.

I...

I know a lot about women.

Hell, I think you've forgotten
more about women than I'll ever

know at this point, you know?

Yeah, maybe actually.

With a rock while
I was sleeping.

It's nice to know I'll
be alive in the morning.

I'm whipping up some
eggs for you guys.

I don't think I've ever woken
up to a man making me eggs.

Well, I will be happy to do it.

Not even my father.

Oh. I got one of those dads myself.

My dad made oatmeal.

Oh, I meant my dad left.
Sorry.

I hope I'm not keeping
you guys from something

because we're doing... I just
sort of... you know...

- No, we're here and all...
- Sat down right so...

We're so happy to be sitting
around with you.

You're so gentle.

I don't know.

I mean...

That's very nice of you.

I mean I, you know... just
watching the way you use your

fingers on that fret there.

Kind of like oh, I
wish I was a guitar.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, me too.

Well, let's get
those egg orders in.

Where's...

Where's Candice and Toni?

We've been here the whole time.

Won't you sit down and join us.

We're just talking about
eggs and, you know...

Um-hmm, we can hear.

We've got a man in our
midst, a man in our mist.

Is it midst or mist?

I believe it's midst with a d.

You're an animal.

Do you know that?

Get her.

Buddy.

Yeah, dude.

What's going on?

I think you know.

You're c blocking me, dude.

You're the one with the c.

I mean, I... I... you know, I'm...

This weekend was supposed
to be about women.

Now, it's just about him.

They're not getting
their deposit back.

Dave.

Wake up.

It's a beautiful day.

Oh, wow.

I slept great.

Me, too.

Fleece mattress.

Okay, so once they open up,
we'll go to Oshkosh B'gosh.

Should we get a
bagel and then B'gosh?

Okay so you want a nosh before
we go to B'gosh?

- And then Lacoste.
- You've said it better than myself.

And I'm going back to bed.

I want some more, please.

Pretty, pretty, pretty please.

I want some more, please.

More fleece for me.

You have a beautiful
singing voice.

It... wake up.

Quick, wake up.

What is it?

Look, the beaver.

Peter, there it is.

And... and we're saved.

Yes. Let's go. Let's go.

Look at the size of it.

Oh, honey, we're saved.

Oh.

We did it.

I have an idea.

What?

I'm gonna commemorate this.

What?

Honey, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's... honey, that's
sacred property.

Honey.

What if someone sees you?

Oh, it's fine.

I don't know, Peter.

You're defacing
something of value.

Something nice.

You know, it just...

I don't know. I'm worried
someone's gonna see us.

Let's go.

Beaver population was pushed
further out into the forest.

Humans are terrible.

The entire town would be
covered in our old friend, H2O.

Everybody, wake up.

It's flooding.

The river... it's flooding.

Wake up, up.

What's flooding?

The river.

What?

Oh.

What?

Angel, tell me again.

The dam broke.

Toni, we've got
to get down there.

Clearly nature's punishing us
because we turned this moon

weekend over to a man.

Okay.

No more calling for help.

We're the help.

We run to the danger.

That's who we are.

Mother moon would want that.

Let's go. Let's show her
how much we love her.

How much we are one with her.

Let's do this. We're
gonna go to the river.

We're gonna stop the flood.

We're gonna use our vaginas.

Vaginas out.

Let's go.

Take your clothes off.

Let's go.

That was a really good speech.

This way, come on.
Towards the river.

Do you want to go or?

I mean I could also stay here.

I'm pretty comfortable.

You want to stay?

Yeah, I want to stay.

Let's stay.

Let's stay.

Let's stay.

Let's stay.

A flash flood.

Come here.

No, that's a jacket.

Grab it, grab it.

It's okay.

Get on fleece raft.

God, this is a great piece
of fleece, oh my God.

What happened?

A great piece of fabric.

Flash flood.

Going about 40 knots.

Dave, I was wrong earlier.

We don't need a
peaceful vacation.

We need stress.

We need chaos.

That's where we thrive.

I need to panic.

You know what our word is...

A-o river.

It's a-o river.

Yeah.

I want to be stressed.

I want to be in a state of
emergency, you know what I mean?

Run, run, run.

I want to be stretched.

Help, help, help, help, help.

I like it, see I like... my
blood is flowing right now.

I need that panic.

Ah, help.

Getting in the water.
I don't wanna be out here.

Yes.

Overboard.

Hey lock arms so we can
hold this river back.

We can do it.

Lock arms, be strong.

We are a dam!

Use your labia!

We can just hold
this water back.

No flow has ever
stopped a woman.

We have the power.

Angel, no.

Let her go.

You go, girl.

We have to summon mother moon.

She controls the tides.

This is our tide.

Yeah.

I had enough of all this whining and
complaining, a man in our midst.

Is it mist or midst.

Midst.

A man in our midst, mist?

Midst.

Midst.

A man... was he in our... a
man was in our mist.

In our midst.

No flood is gonna
ruin our weekend.

Mother moon, turn this tide.

Mother moon, we
sing this to you.

Ahhhhh

help, mother moon.

It's weird.

The water is subsiding.

Where's our fun.

Hey, what is that up there?

It's like a line of women
just stopping the water.

Wait, let me see.

I think it's working.

Whew.

Dam!

Dam!

Dam!

Wait, it's a beaver dam.

Wow.

I don't see this
river on here at all.

I don't know what the scale is.

You know what, Peter?

I don't want to use
this map anymore.

What?

Why?

I know where I am, and I
don't need a map to find you.

Oh.

Because I've found you a long time ago.

I guess we're kind of on our
own deserted island, huh?

If I had to be on
a desert island,

you would be my
food and my water.

You know my favorite desert
island disk is if I was... if I

had only... if, if, I had... had
I been... if... if... if... my

favorite desert island
disk would be guess what?

I can't possibly think.

I want to give you a hint.

Um, I don't know if
you've heard of this one.

You know the... the album Nance
is beautiful and she's who I

want to be with?

Do you know it?

It's got some great songs on it.

Let me see if you're her.

Hey, how's it going?

Hi.

Well, what does it take to
get some privacy around here?

I know I just want to put a do
not disturb sign on the bench

or something.

You okay?

I am freezing.

Oh, hi KD.

Where were you?

We were... Kim and I were in
the forest there, exploring.

Exploring what?

Wood, things like that.

Um-hmm.

I heard you guys
summoning the moon,

and I just... pulled
me right back in.

I'm here.

I'm totally back with the group.

I'm like totally... yeah.

I'm glad you're not gone.

Thank you.

Now, I don't know
what we're gonna do.

The bus got washed away.

I mean, what are we
supposed to do?

We're gonna walk.

We're gonna walk
back to Portland.

We're gonna walk.

As I went down
in the river to pray,

studying about that
good ol' way

and who shall wear the
starry crown?

Good lord, show me the way!

Oh, sisters let's go down.

Come on down, let's go down

oh, lovers let's go down.

Down in the river to pray.

Down in the river to pray.

Down in the river to pray.

Down in the river to pray.