Police Squad! (1982): Season 1, Episode 6 - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) - full transcript

Police Squad! In color.

Starring Leslie Nielsen.

Also starring Alan North.

And Rex Hamilton
as Abraham Lincoln.

Tonight's special guest star,
William Conrad.

Tonight's episode,
Dead Men Don't Laugh.

And all the rabbits
just kept hopping along.

Well, things are really
rough all over though.

Last week I took my family to Disneyland.
We get off the freeway.

Sign said "Disneyland
left," so we went home.

Well, on behalf
of the management,



and I'd like to be
half of the management,

please drink up,
enjoy yourselves and I'll see you later.

That's a very good show, Joey.

Boss wants to see you.

Oh, yeah.

Vic tells me that
some of the money I gave you

to pay the Frenchman
was missing.

The Frenchman was very upset.

Let me take your coat.

And when he's upset,

I'm upset.

Look, I... I don't care what they say.
I didn't steal a thing.

So what do I tell the Frenchman?

Just tell him...



I'll take care of everything.

Veronica, I'd never double-cross you.
I swear on my life.

Listen, Joey,
that's good enough for me.

Come on, let's have a drink
and forget about it.

Hey, w-we make
a great team, don't we?

Let's toast to it.

Here's to your health.

Just tell the Frenchman
I'll take care of everything.

Put up your hands.
Oh.

My name is
Sergeant Frank Drebin,

Detective Lieutenant
Police Squad.

I was driving home Mary,
the boss' wife,

when I received an urgent call
to report to the city morgue.

I raced over.

What had originally appeared to be
a routine drunk driving fatality

was now developing into a
somewhat more involved situation.

Even though the reported crash
had been a sizable one,

various elements of the victim's
bloodstream had led the police coroner

to suspect something more.

And we didn't need
this kind of tsuris.

A battery of pathologists and reconstruction
experts were assigned to the case.

Crime can be a terrifying threat
to members of a community.

And we had no intention of letting
this or any other go unchecked.

When I arrived at the morgue,
my boss had already begun

to investigate
the physical evidence.

As was our custom in such
cases, we began to talk.

This is disgusting.

Yeah, I can't take looking
at that sort of thing.

Don, where have you got
the body of Joey Koldys?

Oh, right here.
Excuse me.

It's a typical 415.

415?
Yes.

The body was found
415 feet from the car.

Oh?

It must have been
a terrible accident.

Yes.

But the crash didn't kill him.
Oh?

This man died
of a drug overdose.

Not only that, gentlemen,
but the quantity involved was so massive

that it is my opinion
Mr. Koldys' death

was either suicide or murder.

Now, gentlemen,
if you'll excuse me.

You know, Frank,
there's another thing about Joey Koldys.

He was a courier for a major drug
running operation and a police informant.

I think he was murdered.

Well, you think he was killed
because he was a stoolie?

Maybe.

He was always bragging about
all the big money he handled.

Maybe he got stupid
and tried to rip some off.

Thanks again, Don.
Oh, you're welcome.

Multiple bruises
of the upper torso,

some indication
of cardiovascular failure.

Turning to the weather,

we have a cold front
moving in from the west

that'll bring us
some showers tonight.

Now, here's the latest
from Neil Diamond,

going out to Margot from Barry.

Ed?
Frank.

File on Koldys?

Yeah, yeah,
it's a complete detailed report.

Born 1942 in Philadelphia.

In and out of foster homes
till the age of 15.

Then he moved into Smith's home.

He wasn't happy there either.

Then he fought Larry Holmes.

Last known address was
a mobile home in Alabama.

Married one child.
That didn't work out,

so he married a grown woman.

Hmm.

I wonder how Joey got
involved with a dope ring.

He was a comedian at a
nightclub called Mr. V's.

The place was a front for a
dealer named Veronica Rivers.

Unfortunately, our contact in the
organization is gone now, Frank.

And what's worse is we don't
have a line on the supplier,

some guy called the Frenchman.

Hmm. Until we get him, there's no
sense going after the little fish.

That's right.
And to get the big fish,

we're gonna need some bait.

Can we get anyone else
on the inside?

Well, there is a job
at Mr. V's open right now.

Joey's.

Mr. V's is a high-class operation
in the exclusive Shorewood area

that had launched the careers of some
of the biggest names in show business.

Although alleged to be
a mob hangout

by Ricky "The Weasel" Saltstein,

we had no hard evidence
against the club.

I decided to put in my
application for Joey Koldys' job.

Madam.

Excuse me. You the manager?
Uh, yes.

I'm an entertainer from out of town.
I hear you have an opening.

Sorry, pal, we filled it.

Nicky, where have you been?
Hurry up, will you? You're almost on!

I missed the bus.

Look, we already
got an entertainer.

Why don't you come back
in a couple of weeks?

You Nicky McBreen?
Yeah.

You're under arrest.
For what?

For reproducing the accounts,
pictures or descriptions

of a major league baseball game

without the express written
consent of the commissioner.

Okay, so I taped the game.

All right, let's go.

I had a few friends over, but I...
but I didn't charge them.

All right,
a couple of bucks a head.

Hey, what're you doing?
Without him, I got no show!

Hey, what about me?
I'm hot and ready to go.

Looks like I got no choice.
What's your name?

DeWonderful.
Tony DeWonderful.

Tony. You're on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Johnny Friendly Trio.

Well, I just flew in from out
of town and a guy in the airport

came up to me and says,
"Give me $5 till payday,"

and I said,
"Well, when's payday?"

And he said, "How do I know?
You got the job."

I got a bad back, you know.
My father has a bad back, too.

So I guess it runs
in the family.

In 50 years,
I haven't seen him pick up a check.

But you know,
seriously, I mean it.

We did come from a poor family.

Uh, the health department wouldn't
condemn our house until we had it painted.

Anyway, s-seriously, seriously
now, seriously, hold it,

hold it now, seriously.

Anyway, the gal came back
from her honeymoon.

She was alone and her parents
welcomed her with open arms

and they said to her...

Well, anyway, the guy
looked up at her and he said,

"Lady, I don't think I can
take 67 more of those."

You know, my sister was so ugly,

they used to put a pork chop around her
neck to get the dog to play with her.

She was also so dumb she came in
one time with hot tar on her hand

and she said,
"Look what I almost stepped in."

Hey, that's some laughter here.

Is that your wife beside you or
you just throw up on the seat?

No, no, no, no, just a minute now.
Hold on.

No, really, time to get in tune.

I'd like now to do for you

my tribute

to that fantastic performer,
a great lady,

Judy.

I've seen the greatest.
Sinatra, Wayne Newton, Carl Yastrzemski.

That was the greatest performance
I've ever seen in my life.

Oh, not really.
Oh, yeah.

Listen, the boss is here.
She wants to meet you.

Have a seat, Mr. DeWonderful.

Thank you.

Thanks, Vic.

Right.

You looked pretty good up there.

How'd you like a job at my club?

So you must be Mr. V?

Veronica Rivers.
You work this room real well.

I heard about it from a friend of
mine, Joey Koldys.

Terrible thing that
happened to him. Hmm.

Would you like a drink?

Why not?

Good. I took the liberty of
ordering you our house special.

To your health, kid.

Tony, are you okay?

Went down the wrong pipe.

Oh.

Listen, uh, if you're gonna work
here, you'll need a contract.

So, why don't we go over to my
office, and you can sign one, hmm?

Fine.

Hold it right there, Rivers!

Who are you?

My name is Jerry Layne.
This is Lester.

We came here before.
You wouldn't even watch our act.

Well, now I'm gonna force you
to give us an audition.

Sit down, both of you.

Now, Jerry, you'll never
get away with this.

Why don't you give me that gun
and we'll forget about it.

Sit down and shut up!

Now, here's my act.

Lester, I heard
you had a girlfriend.

Yes.
Is she pretty?

Try repulsive.
Repulsive.

No, but you're getting close.

And now, I'm gonna do an imitation
of a priest eating potato chips.

Stay where you are, mister. You better do
what he says. He'll blow your brains out.

Jerry, all I wanna do
is tell you that

I... I think that your act
is really good.

You do?
No, he doesn't.

No, I do.
I really do.

It's a very good act.
Now just relax.

Cigarette?

Yes, I know.

Well, I think that, uh,

Thursday night here,
the 8:00 spot would be good for you.

Do you really?

No, he doesn't.
It's just a trick, stupid.

Yeah, how do I know
you'll come through?

Well, that's easy.
All you have to... Look out!

Say, that was nice work.

You took a big chance
doing that.

Well, you take a chance getting up
in the morning, crossing the street

or sticking your face in a fan.

Well, I like the way
you did that.

I could use a man
like you around here.

How'd you like to make
a little extra cash?

What do I have to do?

Just a little errand.

Pick up my car tomorrow morning.

It's down at the docks.

When I got to the doc's, everything
was in order as Veronica had said.

Drug trafficking is the heart and
soul of criminal activity in the city,

and I knew we had
tapped the source.

But now to find the evidence.

I dropped the car off at the lab
for a more thorough investigation.

So you see, Katie,

objects get their shape from the
arrangement of their molecules.

If you apply force
to these molecules,

their arrangement is altered,
and the shape of the object is changed.

Now, did you bring me
your Crying Judy doll?

Here she is, Mr. Olson.

All right.

Let's see what happens when we put
Crying Judy in the trash compactor.

Oh, hi, Frank.

Katie, why don't you
run along now?

Next week we'll learn why cows
look forward to giving milk.

Gee, thanks,
Mr. Olson. Bye.

What'd you come up with, Ted?

The boys are working on the car.

They haven't found anything yet.

Let me show you
what we're doing.

Now, Ed, I know
the car is dirty.

There's got to be drugs
here somewhere.

Oh, I don't know, Frank.
The pieces don't get much smaller.

We got it! We got it!

It was in the glove compartment.

Well, look what we've got here.

Are you sure
that's the real thing?

There's only one way
to find out.

Frank, you know we've had
this car over six hours.

Yeah, Veronica's
gonna get suspicious.

Let's get this car back
together fast. Right.

Wow, these guys are incredible!

Ed, we know how
Veronica gets this stuff.

Now we gotta flush out
the source, the Frenchman.

To do that, Frank, we're gonna have to
find out when the next drop will be.

The car is all back together.

We did the best we could.

There were a few
pieces left over.

You know, Frank,

I'll bet that doctor who gave you
the car could give us some answers.

You're right. Let's go.

Sponge on this side, please.

All right, take him!

After I returned the car,
my boss and I grabbed the doctor

and booked him for drug trafficking.
What's going on here?

After a lengthy interrogation,
he told us the next drop-off

was going to be that night,
but he didn't know where.

I decided to see if one of
my sources knew anything.

Johnny, what do you know
about illegal narcotics?

The city's been bone-dry because
of the unstable political situation

in the drug-producing
countries of Latin America.

I understand there's gonna be a
drop tonight. Do you know where?

Word on the street has it the
action's happening at Mr. V's.

Thanks, Johnny.

Johnny, uh, some kids
on the show yesterday

mentioned a new kind
of music, ska.

Do you know anything about it?
How should I know?

Nothing but a modern
offshoot of reggae,

updated white rock influences,
definitely upbeat.

It'll never become
really popular

because even though they've made
the back beat more conventional,

it's still too exotic
for mass acceptance.

Johnny, I need some more of
that secret formula youth cream.

Thanks, Johnny.

Everything's all set, Frank.

We've got men
covering all the exits.

Well, the Frenchman's
gotta be here tonight.

Don't worry, I'll flush him out.

It shouldn't be too hard to
find a Frenchman in this crowd.

Tony? Showtime.

All right, here you go.

Gotta go.

Good luck,
Mr. DeWonderful.

Hey, thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you. Thank you.

Where do you live, lady?
Right here.

At the table? Where'd you put your car?
In the coat room?

What do you do, sir?

Nothing.
How do you know when you're done?

How about you, sir. What do you do?
I'm an engineer.

Lionel or HO?

How about you, sir?
What do you do?

Uh... Ah, now be careful.
Don't get it wrong.

Where are you from?
Baldymore?

Where are you from, sir?
Milwaukee.

Hey!
Why, that's my hometown.

- Where... Where are you from?
- Seattle.

Hey, why that's my hometown.

- Where are you from?
- Chicago.

Hey!
Why, that's your hometown.

Now I'd like to tell you
about my dumb sister.

She was so dumb that
she thought that a zebra

was the largest size it came in.

All right, Frenchman,
the ruse is up!

You got nothing on us!

I do now.

Well, Frank, this case
is all wrapped up.

Veronica Rivers confessed
to killing Joey Koldys,

and we've got her and Vic and the
Frenchman on the dope smuggling rap.

Yeah, from now on
they'll all be up there

together in
the Stateville Prison.

Yep, along with Martin and Dutch and
Lana, Thames and Sally Decker.

Captain, can I use your phone a minute?
Yeah, go ahead.

And you know, Ed, what all this goes
to show is that the only real dope

is the one who sells it
or buys it.