Police Squad! (1982): Season 1, Episode 5 - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) - full transcript

Police Squad! In color.

Starring Leslie Nielsen.

Also starring Alan North.

And Rex Hamilton
as Abraham Lincoln.

Tonight's special guest star,
Florence Henderson.

Tonight's episode,
Terror in The Neighborhood.

All right, girls,
that was very, very nice.

Now, we're gonna do it
one more time, okay?

Now, just watch me
very carefully

and do exactly as I do, okay?

And...



It's payday, teacher.
Let's have the 50 bucks.

Look, I don't have anything this week.
Business is really bad.

Come on, come on, continue, girls.
Go on.

Well, ain't that too bad?

Looks like the teacher
needs a few lessons, Rock.

Give her the business.
No, please, don't.

It's okay, sweetheart.
I'm just gonna rearrange

your pretty little face for you.

My name is
Sergeant Frank Drebin,

Detective Lieutenant
Police Squad,

a special division
of the police department.

I was out testing new
emergency police vehicles

when I got the call about a girl
beaten in what appeared to be

a neighborhood
protection racket scheme.



I drove down
to headquarters immediately.

My boss, Ed Hocken,
was already there.

Hi, Ed.

Oh, hi, Frank.

I'm glad you're here.
This is a tough one.

What do we got?
One scared lady.

A couple of hoods beat up
on her real good.

Did she say anything?

No, nothing.

Same MO as the others.

All right, where is she?

Right over there.

Oh, Frank?

She looks pretty bad.

I'm Sergeant Drebin, Jill.

I know this may not
be the right time...

Oh, Frank, not that bad.
That's her over there.

Sorry, madam.

Jill? I'm Captain Drebin.

Cigarette?

Yes, it is.

Well, I'm here to help you.
Coffee?

No, thank you.
Tea?

No.
Eclair?

Rum ball? Torte?

No, really, thank you.

Jill, you've got to give us
something to go on.

Names, description, sounds,
smells, shirt size, anything.

Will you do that?

I really should go.
I shouldn't be here.

Jill, I know you're frightened.

These criminals,
that's what they count on.

Fear is their greatest weapon.

Jill, if you help us,

we'll put them behind bars
for good.

I'm sorry, but I just didn't
get a good look.

Now we can't let these vermin
infest our city.

We'll have a rotten,
scum-sucking cesspool.

Frank, please,

I'm trying to eat
this tuna fish sandwich.

A rat-infested, worm-ridden
festering boil.

Oh, Frank, cut it out, will you?
I'm talking to my mother.

I'm really sorry.

All right, Jill.
I see I'm wasting my breath.

See the girl over there?

When she leaves,
put a tail on her.

Ed.

Frank.

Are these guys concentrating on
any particular area in the city?

No, we're getting complaints from all
over, all over town.

I have a hunch they're
concentrating right here.

And nobody'll talk?

No. I tell you, Frank,
without a witness, we're dead.

Maybe we're just gonna have to
get our own evidence firsthand.

I don't understand, Frank.
Well,

now let's say a new merchant
moves into the neighborhood,

opens up a shop.

Okay.

A new merchant moves into the
neighborhood and opens up a shop.

Then let's say

that merchant attracts a certain
couple of thugs who demand payments.

All right.

That merchant attracts a certain
couple of thugs who demand payments.

That's a good plan, Frank.

Al, get down to
this neighborhood here,

locate a small business that
we can occupy immediately.

Okay, Lieutenant.
I'll get right on it.

What happened to your face?

I ran into a fire sprinkler.

Okay, go ahead.

Frank, you better take
somebody with you.

Get ahold of Officer Norberg.

Tell him to drop whatever he's
doing, get up here on the double.

Yes, Captain.

Al did his job well.
He found an abandoned locksmith's shop

just down the street
from Jill's dance studio

in the heart of the terrorized
neighborhood.

It was a perfect location in
an area of small businesses.

Honest people who worked hard
to make a modest living,

easy pickings for extortionists.

Officer Norberg from the undercover
unit was assigned to the case.

We planned to establish a business
and hoped to become targets ourselves.

Key is ready.

Thank you. Come again.

Thank you.

Ah, there we are, sir.

Um, I'll just buff this
down for you.

Shoot!

Beat it, brushfire.

Hey, what's the idea
of running my customer off?

We just wanna have
a little chat with you.

You the new owner of this shop?

That's right.
What can I do for you?

Nice place.
Thank you.

You know, this is
a rough neighborhood.

Bet you'd hate to see something
happen to your little key store.

What about my little keister?

Key store.

You give us 50 bucks a week and we
make sure your place stays safe.

I'm not interested.

We'd hate to have
to make you interested.

Get out of my shop!
You get nothing from me.

I think you're gonna be sorry
you said that, mister.

Oh, yeah?
You and who else?

Easy, Rock.

We'll see you around.

Take care.

Well, Norberg, looks like we made
contact with the organization.

You know, I was just
thinking, Lieutenant,

what if we offered one key free
for every three keys duplicated?

And they know
we're not gonna be easy.

The next move is up to them.

But only as
a limited-time offer.

Look out!

It looks like
they mean business.

I went back to the lab

to find out what Olson
had come up with.

The rock that came through our
window was their first warning.

I knew it wouldn't be long
before we were contacted again.

So, Billy,

electrostatic particles are created
by an imbalance of electrons.

The resulting charge is what we
scientists call static electricity.

Gee.

It's... It's just like when your
mom takes a dress out of the dryer,

puts it on and it... and it clings to
every supple curve and soft, round...

Oh, hi, Frank.

Why don't you
run along now, Billy.

Next week don't forget
to bring in

those magazines you found
under your father's bed.

Okay, Mr. Olson. Bye.

What you got, Ted?

Not very much, Frank.

I did a complete rundown on the
rock that came through your window.

No fingerprints,
no laundry marks.

It's clean.
Mmm-hmm.

It's a heck of
an efficient weapon, Frank.

You have to admire
the simplicity of design.

Where'd it come from?

It's very interesting.

I have a theory about that.

As you know, Frank,
billions of years ago

our Earth was a molten mass.

But for some reason,
not understood by scientists,

the Earth cooled,
forming a crust,

a hard igneous shell.

What we scientists call rock.

The next morning, Officer Norberg
and I continued our business

as if nothing had happened.

But I knew we hadn't seen the last
of our two persuasive friends.

They were obviously determined
to control the neighborhood,

and I was determined to try
to stop them any way I could.

Uh, something I can do for you?

Ox smith?

No, no, no, no, locksmith.

Locksmith.

Hi, Norberg.

Glad you're back, Lieutenant.
Business is booming.

I just got a huge order
to deliver some deadbolts.

Be back in a few minutes.

No problem.

Well, if it isn't
the insurance salesmen.

You should be more careful
with your property.

Yeah, we heard you had
a bad accident.

It's too bad
you weren't protected.

The way I look at it,
you owe me $100 for that window.

Us? I don't know what
you're talking about.

So, how do you explain this?

Well, billions of years ago
the Earth was a molten mass.

I'm not interested in that.

You owe me $100.
Now cough it up.

That's only a 20.

Rocky.

Why don't you lie there
till Tuesday.

That's when they
pick up the garbage.

You idiots.

You stupid, lame-brained,
inept morons!

What's wrong, Dutch?

What's wrong, Dutch?

You make a hero
out of a punk like that,

he will start getting ideas.

They think we're soft.

Pretty soon,
we're out of business.

I'll take care of this myself.

Well, when you get through with
him, can we work him over?

I'm afraid that
won't be possible.

When I get through with him,
he'll be dead.

Okay, that'll be eight padlocks,

five combos, two deadbolts
and a dozen hide-a-keys.

By the way, would you be
interested in our holiday gift set?

All right, I just thought I'd ask.
Be right over.

Got a delivery, Frank.

Right, Norberg.

May I help you?

Yes, I'd like my apartment
key duplicated, please.

Well, I think I can handle that.

Miss, uh...

Call me Stella.

All right, Stella.

You know, uh, you can tell a
lot about a woman by her keys.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.
Take my key, for example.

It's silver-plated,

indicating that, um, I'm a woman
who likes the finer things in life.

I see.

And the face of the key
is unscratched.

That suggests I have
a gentle touch.

I understand.

Uh, how many of these
apartment keys would you like?

Fifty.

You can mail 49 of them
to the Chicago Bears.

Well. And where would you
like the 50th sent?

Just bring it around
to my apartment.

You do deliver, don't you?

Of course.

3:00, then.
Just let yourself in.

It took me two weeks
to find Stella's apartment.

She had neglected
to give me her address.

But I had a feeling
she'd still be waiting for me.

Hey, come on. Good boy.

That's not exactly my idea
of a warm welcome.

I thought you were a burglar.

Oh, cuts quite a story.

I deliver the key as promised.
You shoot me as a burglar.

That's your story.

That's the telephone.

Pick it up.

Hello.

Hello, baby.
This is Dutch.

You take care of that
locksmith for me?

Now you say what I tell you.
Everything is taken care of.

Everything is taken care of.

That's my girl.

I'd sure like to see you.

I'd sure like to see you.

Sure thing, baby.
You still love me?

Of course I love you.

Of course I love you.

You don't sound like
you mean it, lambikins.

Of course I mean it, lambikins.

Of course I mean it, lambikins.

Do you really, binky poo?

More than anything,
schnooky lumps.

More than anything,
schnooky lumps.

Schnooky lumps?
Oh, I like that.

Schnooky lumps.
You never called me that before.

Hey, what happened last night
to bring this on?

When you held me
in your manly arms

and crushed me to your lips,

I discovered what it meant
to be a real woman.

When I think of your handsome
face, your cruel lips,

your strong chin,
the way you touch,

the way you smother me
with kisses...

Honey, I gotta go. Um...

Meet me at my office
tomorrow at 3:00.

All right, darling.

All right, darling.

What're you going to do now?

You and I are going
down to headquarters.

I booked Stella on
an attempted murder charge.

I had a stop to make before
I kept my date with Dutch.

What's the word
in the streets, Johnny?

I hear a lot of things.

What do you know
about Dutch Gunderson?

He grew up an orphan
on the Lower South Side.

His mother, a prostitute,
died when he was only three.

He started stealing apples
at the age of six.

Spent a lifetime
in juvenile hall.

All he's ever known is
the world of crime.

This doesn't excuse
what he does,

but I think we understand him
a little better.

I got 20 asking for concrete
evidence against Dutch.

I know none of this is
admissible, Lieutenant,

but I got some photostats

of a couple of business dealings

that make your guy
look pretty dirty.

Thanks, Johnny.

It seems I've got
a 3:15 appointment.

3:00.

Well.

Johnny, there's a fire
in the Brubaker Building.

I don't know anything about it.

That's a furniture warehouse.

Once the fire hits
the polyvinyl,

you'll have dense smoke
and lethal chlorine gas.

Extinguish the main part of the
fire with pump trucks and with foam.

And bring in a cherry picker
to evacuate the survivors.

Thanks, Johnny.

Men, get your gas masks.

I want a cherry picker over here.
All right, let's move it!

Oh, you're right on time,
lambikins.

Make yourself a drink, baby.

No, thanks, Dutch.

Who are you,
and how did you get in here?

I'm a locksmith
and I'm a locksmith.

I'm surprised to see you're still
alive, locksmith.

Stella usually doesn't miss.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Just lucky, I guess.

Well, your luck
has just run out.

Oh, you don't think I'm gonna
come and see the professor

without doing my homework.

That should make interesting
reading to the police.

Uh, that's a photostat.
You can keep it.

You got guts, locksmith.

Well, what's your game?

Dutch, I see what
your organization takes in.

I wanna become part of it.

Interesting.

I might have a job for you.

I'm having some trouble with a
certain tailor in the neighborhood.

Want me to collect
from the tailor?

No.

I want you to kill him.

See, it's not that
I'm not grateful

for the police protection,
Captain,

it's... it's just that
it's a little disruptive.

We just want you
to be safe, ma'am.

That's why we brought
the undercover men.

Captain?
Yeah.

Lieutenant Drebin just called.

They're hitting
the old tailor tonight.

You see, Captain,
I will be just fine for now.

Now, couldn't you take
your squad away?

Okay, let's go.

Hey!

Hey, what's the idea?

There's been a switch.

We're hitting the
dance teacher tonight.

Something wrong, locksmith?

Of course not.

So, let's go.

Lieutenant,
what are you doing here?

The other policemen
just... just left.

So, you're a cop.

I should've known.

That's all right.
That's one mistake we can fix real easy.

Get over there, sister.

All right, Rock,
let's kill us two birds with one stone.

Jill! Jill!

Look out!
He's got a knife!

Look out!
He's got a club!

He's got a signed Picasso!

Look out! He's got herpes!
He's got cold sores.

Jill, call the Police Squad.

Hey, Ed.

Frank.
Good news.

Just picked up Dutch Gunderson.
That wraps up his operation.

You know, Frank,
fear is a terrible thing.

Makes people forget
their duties as citizens.

Yeah. Well, there's
one thing for sure.

If Gunderson wants to run
a protection racket,

from now on he's gonna have to
do it in the Stateville Prison.

Say when, Frank.

When.

Be sure to tune in next week
for another exciting story

from the files of Police Squad!