Plebs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - The New Flat - full transcript
This is your main
living space-cum-dining area,
which as you can see,
boasts original period features,
like these distressed wooden beams,
mismatched lighting fixtures...
It's a bit pokey, innit?
It is cosy, yes, and flexible,
so you can use it however you want.
One at a time, probably.
Ha! Yeah, exactly.
So, through here
is your master bedroom.
Bagsy that one.
The slave doesn't get
the master bedroom, Grumio,
that goes to the master, famously.
So where's the slave bedroom?
There's a handy cupboard here, look.
If you can sleep standing up.
What, like a fucking owl?
Stop moaning. We're being evicted,
we can't afford to be fussy.
If you're not feeling it, lads,
I can see what else is out there.
But at 350 a week, this is
a terrific option for your budget.
There's ants in the cupboard.
The landlord might accept 340.
Is that mouse shit?
Or even 335.
HE SCREAMS
Rat!
There's a rat,
there's a great bastard rat in here!
Ah! Maybe we can be a bit fussy.
# When in Rome
# Do as the Romans do
# Far from home
# All I got is you. #
Is there any way
we can have more time?
Amazingly, it turns out you're not
the worst landlord in Rome.
Oh, thank you, I am touched,
but if you're not out by next week,
I'll get an earful from Linda.
Linda? Who's Linda?
Linda. Makes her own honey,
sells it down the farmers' market.
Oh, yeah, I've enjoyed her samples.
As have I, in all senses.
And now she's keen to move in
with me.
So... what's that got to do with us?
Well, I'm slightly less keen,
so we're compromising,
she's moving in upstairs.
As in your place.
So we're being evicted
cos you've got commitment issues?
Pretty much, yeah. I mean,
I'll lend you my storage unit
so you can start
moving your crap out.
So what do we do if we can't
find anywhere we want to rent?
I guess find somewhere
you want to buy.
That's what I did. Be lucky.
I mean, he is right, annoyingly,
renting is a mug's game.
Things would be way less shit if
we could get on the property ladder.
Yeah, but we can barely afford
an actual ladder.
Oh, I know, but... OK, look,
my parents are coming this weekend
and they've got some savings
put aside for a rainy day.
Why would they give them to you?
It's not even raining.
Because they love me. And because
I know how to manipulate them.
Right, and I'll go and see
that estate agent geezer,
see if he's got any new rentals.
Just for when that don't work.
Oh, it'll work, mate.
I'll pull their strings
like a couple of puppets.
Divide and rule.
And if it doesn't, I'll just throw
one of my mega tantrums.
That'll make for a cracking weekend.
Can't bloody wait.
This one just in.
Modern conversion, on at 300 a week.
Ooh, I like the arty red walls.
I know. Funky, right?
I should say,
it did used to be an abattoir.
OK, I've stopped liking them now.
What else you got?
Er, try this one.
Historic stone building,
bit of a fixer-upper.
Amazing skylight, 360-degree views.
Is this a ruin?
Technically, it is.
Were you looking for more...?
Walls and a roof, yeah.
Come on, mate, help me out.
Surely you've got a few plush pads
tucked away in your back pouch.
I do have more sought-after
properties, yeah. Nice.
For more sought-after clients,
though.
Landlords are looking for
professional couples these days.
We're professional.
Me and Marcus are well profesh.
And we can pretend to be a couple.
Within reason. Kissing's fine.
They don't want slaves either.
Lowers the tone, apparently.
Grumio's not a slave,
he's basically a dog.
Or dogs.
Not a dog, then, like a hamster.
Nice try. You're a bit
of a smooth talker, aren't you?
Hey, I'm smooth all over,
you should feel my tush.
Ah, have you ever considered
becoming an estate agent?
Journey was a nightmare,
stuck in traffic the whole way.
Only because he refused
to pay for the toll road.
I am not shelling out on a road,
Sylvia,
I don't care how straight it is.
Quite right, Dad, you keep the money
for important stuff.
Like taking you out for dinner,
if there's anywhere you've...
All-you-can-eat Chinese.
Great, do we need to book or...?
Already done it.
Oh, that would be such a blessing,
we've not been able to eat properly
for a while now. Money wise...
And we're gonna see this wine bar
of yours as well.
Course, Mum. Costs of living...
And I'm gonna buy a boat.
Sorry, what? A boat?
Yep, there's one in town
I've got my beady little eye on.
Yeah, he's blowing our savings
on it.
Not all of your savings, surely?
Well, it's a bloody big boat...
It's a gaff-rigged, two-berth,
lapstrake frigate.
I don't want any of that means,
Lepi, but it sounds wicked.
Sounds more like a midlife crisis
to me.
I think it's incredible.
Thank you, Marcus.
Incredible that your generation
can enjoy the luxuries
of gaff-rigged pleasure cruises
while mine scrabbles around
to survive.
Scrabbles?
You're not scrabbling, are you?
Course he's not scrabbling.
I am, actually. I am scrabbling.
We're being evicted this week.
Oh, no, what have you done now?
I committed the crime
of being young in Rome.
We're putting our stuff into storage
and then we're out on the streets.
You're gonna be homeless?
Yep.
Sort of. I mean,
not literally on the street, no,
but we will have to move
to a slightly worse area
and a significantly smaller flat.
So? A lot easier to clean.
And we'll still be at the mercy
of violent bloodsucking landlords.
I honestly don't know
how I'm going to cope, Mum.
Oh, Marcus, you poor little love.
Well, you could always come home
with us.
Yeah, no, I meant,
I don't know how I'm gonna cope
whilst staying in the city.
I guess, maybe,
is this a crazy idea...?
What, what is it?
He wants you to buy him a flat.
Or house. Depending on the budget.
HE LAUGHS
You're a hoot, you are, son.
Buy you a flat?!
Rent is not that bad,
you drama queen.
Now... I need a drink.
Let's see this swanky wine bar
that you own.
Everyone, meet Jason, the newest
member of our lettings team.
Can we have the keys to
20 Arcadia Villas, please, Verity?
Yes, of course.
Right, am I starting right away?
Do I not need training?
Can you unlock a door
and lead people through it?
I think so.
Then you're good to go.
Sweet! Oh, can I ask,
do I get a free flat with the job?
It's just that
when I worked at the wine bar,
I got free wine, so...
Ha!
No, you don't get a free flat.
But use that smooth tongue of yours
and rack up commissions,
you'll soon be able to afford
an extremely sick pad.
He'll need a clipboard.
And the hair gel too,
please, Verity.
Oh, yes.
You see? It's really not swanky
at all, it's more of a dive.
Looks like a perfectly good bar
to me.
What a fascinating smell.
It used to be a toilet.
Still is, basically. Hence why
we hardly ever get any customers.
Welcome.
Care for a glass of vino, Mr Gallo?
Oh, yes.
And one for you, madam?
Sorry, are you Marcus's mother
or sister?
Oh! Silly.
THEY BOTH LAUGH
What charming staff you have,
Marcus.
Ah, mums love me.
You must be so proud
of how well he's doing.
Oh, we are.
We are.
Well, you shouldn't be,
cos I'm not doing well at all.
You should be ashamed
and-or concerned.
To Marcus. And his cushy life.
To Marcus.
That's coming out of your wages.
You want me to do what, sorry?
Beat me up, lightly.
Right. Come on, then.
Wait, not now, though.
Later, in front of my parents.
And say I owe you rent.
Yeah, but for once,
you don't owe me rent.
So, OK, lie.
That shouldn't be too difficult
for you, and then hit me. A bit.
Not in the face, ideally.
Aw, see, that was the main draw
for me, though.
OK, well, a little in the face,
and maybe two in the gut.
Two in the face, one in the gut,
and you've got a deal.
All right, fine.
Lovely. And thanks so much
for thinking of me for this.
Oh, I can't wait.
You and me out on the open sea,
dolphins razzing by,
no-one asking me
why I've not put up those shelves
or taken the bins out.
No-one telling me
to stop eating nuts or guffing.
Oh, that's what ships are for,
every deck can be the poop deck.
Oh, you guff away, Grumio.
Or should I say, "first mate"?
Aye, aye, Captain.
We're gonna make a hell of a team.
Yeah.
I am now stuck... by the way.
Yeah, it's a cracking property.
It's got all the walls,
floors and that. Doors.
Very soft bed, and dry, crucially.
Lovely view here. Look.
And that does come with the flat.
Two bedrooms, so an extra room
to put all your crap in.
Or put a baby in.
If you decide to have kids.
I mean, you're both so hot,
it'd be rude not to. Aw.
And there's no restriction
on the all-you-can-eat element?
No, no, they don't fuck about
like that, the Chinese.
Er, where you going?
It's down this way, I can smell it.
This is a shortcut.
Come on.
There you are, you jizz hound.
Oh, no, please.
Marcus, what's going on?
You owe me rent. Where is it?
Bloody hell. Calm down, landlord.
I don't have it, I'm sorry.
You will be...
Let go of my son.
Or I will fucking kill you!
Ooh, is that a blade?
Has your mum got a blade?
Yeah, Mum, put the knife down.
Let him go, right now!
Whoa, easy, darling,
I was just messing.
He told me to do it.
I didn't sign up for this, Marcus.
Sorry, Mrs G.
I hope you enjoy your visit.
Thank you.
So that's why
you brought us this way?
You shady, shady bastard.
Dinner, then?
HE YAWNS
But, yeah, it is a banger, this one.
Available now. Vacant.
Has been for three months.
Whoa! Imagine that.
Sweet pad like this,
just sat here, empty.
HE SIGHS
Sorry, that was bad of me.
Yes, it was.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Well, you can talk, you ran away.
No, I... I was looking for help.
What, behind a cart?
And if I'd known you were carrying
a sword in your handbag, Sylvia,
I would've stayed put.
Well, someone has to be ready
to protect our family.
Only from people Marcus has hired.
Yes, thank you, Grumio,
shut up and eat your spring rolls.
And I only did that
because I'm desperate.
In what way are you desperate?
I'm desperate to get
on the property ladder
so I can stop throwing money away
on rent.
Oh, it's a sort of desperation.
But I can't do that
because you're spunking
all our savings
on some floating penis extension.
What do you mean, "our savings"?
He's done 40 years hard graft
on the farm, mate,
if he wants a penis boat,
let him have one.
It's not hard graft!
He's mainly sitting around
waiting for plants to grow.
He's right.
The money should go to Marcus.
Thanks, Mum. You're the best.
No! No way.
Oh, I am sick to death of you
putting yourself first, Lepidus.
Why are you always taking his side?
He's manipulating you.
I am not.
He is not.
Mum and I just have a special bond,
and you don't understand.
Exactly, he's my baby boy, Lepidus.
And I say he needs his own flat
more than you need your dinghy.
It's a gaff-rigged two-berth
lapstrake frigate!
And if I can't have it, Sylvia,
by Jove, it's over!
Well, then, I guess it's over.
Well, hang on.
Fine. Come on, Grumio.
We're not leaving now, are we?
I'm only on my third plate.
No, we're just moving tables.
Sorry, you're an estate agent now?
That wasn't quite the plan
when you set off yesterday. I know!
It's my dream job. I mooch around
a sweet pad chatting shit,
and at the end of the day
I get to sleep in it. Hm.
You get to sleep in it
or you illegally sleep in it?
Yeah, that one.
Hey, I could ask Magnus if he's got
a job going for you. No need.
My parents are buying me a flat.
Nice! The old "divide and rule"
worked, then? It worked.
A bit too well, if anything.
They kind of split up.
Oh, shit. That sucks.
Yeah, but I do get my own flat,
so on balance
I think it's probably worth it.
Speaking as an estate agent,
I can assure you it is.
Morning, Grumio.
All right, Lepi.
Turns out I can sleep standing up
after all.
Did you manage to get some shut-eye?
Just about.
Used a sack of onions for a pillow.
I dreamt I was sailing on my boat.
Then I woke up and remembered
some little bastard had sunk it.
I'm sorry your son's
such a massive bellend.
To be honest, Grumio,
I think I was just trying
to put miles of water
between me and Sylvia.
Finally get some peace.
Now we've split up,
I can get that anyway. Totally.
I'm mainly pumped
about shaking off Marcus.
I mean, he'll never let me
eat raw onions, for example.
Well, there you go.
We can do what we want now, son,
boat or no boat.
I can leave my clothes lying around,
drink before noon,
pick the dead skin off my feet.
All the fun stuff.
Cheers to that.
Tangy.
Ew...
Morning, all.
Ah, here he is!
All hail King Jason!
Do the honours, Verity.
Oh, cool! Thanks.
And why am I king, please?
It's just a little thing we do
when someone rents their first flat.
A couple came in just now
and took Arcadia Villas!
Oh, no way? Wicked.
I'm so pleased...
They said you were great.
You'll be surprised to hear that
praise for an estate agent
is actually pretty rare.
Hm. So, I can't go back there? Not
unless you're moving in with them.
So, hand over those keys.
But I mean, where do I go now?
You go to a new property and rent
that out. That's how the job works.
Oh! OK, fine. So, actually,
can I try a swankier pad this time?
You know, for the challenge.
Ambitious, love it.
Course you can.
Maybe with a wet room and a balcony.
South-facing, ideally.
You take your pick.
I've got to run to a viewing.
Verity, show Jason the luxury range.
Now, this is more like it.
And with fewer rodents, I notice.
Well, your budget's a lot healthier.
I mean, you can afford to buy,
for one thing.
Mum came to the rescue.
She's the best.
Good old bank of mum and dad.
Well, the money did come from us,
yes, but me and his dad
are actually in the process
of separating.
He doesn't need to know that.
Good size second bedroom
through here.
Great.
Grumio can finally wallow
in his own den of filth.
Or he can keep wallowing with you
and someone else could live here.
What, like a lodger?
More like a mother.
Ha. Right. Really?
But don't you already live
somewhere?
I can't go back to the farm
now I've ditched that selfish git.
And I'm young enough to start again.
Well, that's debatable, but even so,
would you have to start again
quite so close to me?
Where else would I be
than with my baby boy?
You said it yourself,
we've got a special bond.
Yeah, of course we do.
It'll be heavenly.
We can eat our meals together,
have a snuggle on the sofa.
Go out on double dates.
Heavenly indeed. I've got the
paperwork here if you want to sign.
No, let's not with the paperwork
quite yet.
You should buy the boat!
Well, well, well.
Look who's come
to poop on the party.
I don't want a flat any more.
You should get back with mum
and buy your frigging great frigate.
You've changed your tune.
I searched my heart and saw that
your needs were greater than mine.
Like fuck. Horse shit.
All right, fine.
Mum wants to move in with me
and snuggle on the sofa.
Ha! Sounds cosy.
Careful she doesn't smother
you to death. So you'll do it?
Patch things up and take her home.
No way, I'm living the dream here.
What, drinking cherry wine
in a storage unit?
And eating onions.
Enjoying our time upon the good ship
Do As We Please.
Which is technically a storage unit,
yes. Come on, Dad.
Don't throw 30 years of marriage
overboard. Go and fight for her!
Fight for her?
I'm a selfish coward, Marcus,
haven't you heard?
I've moved on, mate. I'm over her.
But what about me? Can't you stay
together for the sake of the child?
You've made your bed, son,
now you've got to lie in it.
With your mother.
It is spacious. Very airy.
It's a lovely gaff, it really is.
Nicely kitted out. I mean, on first
viewings you can't even tell.
Tell what?
Hm? Sorry?
You said on first viewing
you can't even tell.
Did I?
Yes. You definitely did.
Well, I shouldn't have, all right?
Cos I work on commission,
you see. So...
Naughty.
I mean, we are now gonna need
to know what you mean by that.
OK, fine.
Someone died here.
Quite horribly and mysteriously.
So everyone that moves in is like,
"It's haunted and creepy!"
It's probably bollocks, though.
Should we go and see the cellar?
Wooo! Yes, good...
Come on.
It's called an Aurelius special.
Gosh, it's very strong.
Sorry, Mum, I have to work late now
my head barman is an estate agent
so I can't go curtain shopping
with you.
Don't worry, darling.
Aurelius is taking me out
once he's finished his shift.
Great, thanks, Aurelius. Hang on,
sorry, taking you out on a date?
Well, I wasn't so bold
as to specify.
We'll just play it by ear.
No, we won't.
We won't play it
by any part of the body, thank you.
Excuse me,
I am single for the first time
in over 30 years, Marcus,
and I intend to make the most of it.
That is not making the most of it!
He is the absolute least.
You cannot tell me who I may
or may not step out with, Marcus.
You are not the boss of me.
Right, well, I am the boss of you,
so step out with my mum
and you are fired.
Uh, no, I'm not.
It's illegal to dismiss someone
for their sexual preferences.
What sexual preferences?
Well, for yummy mummies.
Aw, you think I'm a yummy mummy?
I think you're an absolutely
scrummy mummy.
Fuck's sake!
Stay here where I can keep
an eye on you, then.
Cheers.
BREAKS WIND
If this isn't living,
I don't know what is.
Salve, Grumio.
All right, landlord.
What's going on here, then?
We put ourselves into storage.
Right, well, I don't want
to evict you for a second time,
but Linda's now set for the move.
And her honey-making gubbins
needs storing.
That's all right. We can cope with
some gubbins, can't we?
Absolutely. We're very adaptable.
Suit yourselves.
BEES BUZZING
MAGNUS: Underfloor heating
throughout,
his and hers vanity unit,
plunge pool through here...
Hey, Magnus!
What are you doing here?
Conducting a viewing.
I wanted you to do it, but you
never came back to the office.
How come you're here? And wet?
I'm also conducting a viewing.
I was just demonstrating
the plunge pool to my... Ah!
Where have my clients gone?
Must have just left. Weird.
That is weird.
Weird, I didn't see them when I came
in. I did see some others, though,
who said you told them
the place was haunted. It isn't.
Well, it might be.
Just cos it's not in our brochure...
Are you living here, Jason?
No. Not yet, anyway.
Tonight'll be my first night.
No, it won't. You're fired.
Hand over your keys and get out.
Right now.
Yeah, sure.
Just give me 20 mins
to pack up my shit.
Sorry. Excuse me.
CHUCKLES, THEN SIGHS
This morning I was King Jason.
Now I'm homeless Jason.
Well, you can always crash at my
place where I live with my mother.
And possibly Aurelius,
depending on how tonight goes.
How did it come to this?
Evening, traitor.
Quick glass of wine for the road,
please.
You're leaving?
What happened to the storage unit?
It's full of bees.
We're headed back to the farm.
Live in peace up there.
Tell the old girl we said goodbye,
won't you?
Tell her yourself.
She's just over there.
What's she doing
with your noncy barman?
I think they're on a date,
actually.
A date?
We only split up yesterday!
What do you care?
I thought you'd moved on.
I know. I have.
I haven't!
Get your sticky hands off her!
Lepidus, what are you doing here?
Now, sir, she's a single woman,
she can do whatever...
ALL GASP
No, please! Don't fight over me.
Come on, Sylvia.
Let's continue our evening
away from this angry farmer.
Stop touching my wife!
ALL GASP
Holy fuck, he stabbed me!
Dad, that's insane!
Yes, love it. Stab him again, Lepi!
I've been a selfish old fool.
Oh, Lepidus,
I've been so hard on you.
Don't ever change.
I'm lost without you, Sylv'.
GROANS
No, no, leave it...
SHRIEKING
So we can stay?
Yeah.
Linda went right off the area after
she witnessed that brutal stabbing.
Ah. Sorry about that.
Nah, you bailed me out. Things were
moving too fast for me anyway.
So your pops did us all a favour.
Oh, yeah. Apart from Aurelius.
ALL CHUCKLE
LEPIDUS AND SYLVIA
NOISILY HAVING SEX
I'm just chuffed them two
are back together.
I think I'll sleep in here tonight.
NOISE INCREASES,
MARCUS GROANS
Subtitles by TVT
living space-cum-dining area,
which as you can see,
boasts original period features,
like these distressed wooden beams,
mismatched lighting fixtures...
It's a bit pokey, innit?
It is cosy, yes, and flexible,
so you can use it however you want.
One at a time, probably.
Ha! Yeah, exactly.
So, through here
is your master bedroom.
Bagsy that one.
The slave doesn't get
the master bedroom, Grumio,
that goes to the master, famously.
So where's the slave bedroom?
There's a handy cupboard here, look.
If you can sleep standing up.
What, like a fucking owl?
Stop moaning. We're being evicted,
we can't afford to be fussy.
If you're not feeling it, lads,
I can see what else is out there.
But at 350 a week, this is
a terrific option for your budget.
There's ants in the cupboard.
The landlord might accept 340.
Is that mouse shit?
Or even 335.
HE SCREAMS
Rat!
There's a rat,
there's a great bastard rat in here!
Ah! Maybe we can be a bit fussy.
# When in Rome
# Do as the Romans do
# Far from home
# All I got is you. #
Is there any way
we can have more time?
Amazingly, it turns out you're not
the worst landlord in Rome.
Oh, thank you, I am touched,
but if you're not out by next week,
I'll get an earful from Linda.
Linda? Who's Linda?
Linda. Makes her own honey,
sells it down the farmers' market.
Oh, yeah, I've enjoyed her samples.
As have I, in all senses.
And now she's keen to move in
with me.
So... what's that got to do with us?
Well, I'm slightly less keen,
so we're compromising,
she's moving in upstairs.
As in your place.
So we're being evicted
cos you've got commitment issues?
Pretty much, yeah. I mean,
I'll lend you my storage unit
so you can start
moving your crap out.
So what do we do if we can't
find anywhere we want to rent?
I guess find somewhere
you want to buy.
That's what I did. Be lucky.
I mean, he is right, annoyingly,
renting is a mug's game.
Things would be way less shit if
we could get on the property ladder.
Yeah, but we can barely afford
an actual ladder.
Oh, I know, but... OK, look,
my parents are coming this weekend
and they've got some savings
put aside for a rainy day.
Why would they give them to you?
It's not even raining.
Because they love me. And because
I know how to manipulate them.
Right, and I'll go and see
that estate agent geezer,
see if he's got any new rentals.
Just for when that don't work.
Oh, it'll work, mate.
I'll pull their strings
like a couple of puppets.
Divide and rule.
And if it doesn't, I'll just throw
one of my mega tantrums.
That'll make for a cracking weekend.
Can't bloody wait.
This one just in.
Modern conversion, on at 300 a week.
Ooh, I like the arty red walls.
I know. Funky, right?
I should say,
it did used to be an abattoir.
OK, I've stopped liking them now.
What else you got?
Er, try this one.
Historic stone building,
bit of a fixer-upper.
Amazing skylight, 360-degree views.
Is this a ruin?
Technically, it is.
Were you looking for more...?
Walls and a roof, yeah.
Come on, mate, help me out.
Surely you've got a few plush pads
tucked away in your back pouch.
I do have more sought-after
properties, yeah. Nice.
For more sought-after clients,
though.
Landlords are looking for
professional couples these days.
We're professional.
Me and Marcus are well profesh.
And we can pretend to be a couple.
Within reason. Kissing's fine.
They don't want slaves either.
Lowers the tone, apparently.
Grumio's not a slave,
he's basically a dog.
Or dogs.
Not a dog, then, like a hamster.
Nice try. You're a bit
of a smooth talker, aren't you?
Hey, I'm smooth all over,
you should feel my tush.
Ah, have you ever considered
becoming an estate agent?
Journey was a nightmare,
stuck in traffic the whole way.
Only because he refused
to pay for the toll road.
I am not shelling out on a road,
Sylvia,
I don't care how straight it is.
Quite right, Dad, you keep the money
for important stuff.
Like taking you out for dinner,
if there's anywhere you've...
All-you-can-eat Chinese.
Great, do we need to book or...?
Already done it.
Oh, that would be such a blessing,
we've not been able to eat properly
for a while now. Money wise...
And we're gonna see this wine bar
of yours as well.
Course, Mum. Costs of living...
And I'm gonna buy a boat.
Sorry, what? A boat?
Yep, there's one in town
I've got my beady little eye on.
Yeah, he's blowing our savings
on it.
Not all of your savings, surely?
Well, it's a bloody big boat...
It's a gaff-rigged, two-berth,
lapstrake frigate.
I don't want any of that means,
Lepi, but it sounds wicked.
Sounds more like a midlife crisis
to me.
I think it's incredible.
Thank you, Marcus.
Incredible that your generation
can enjoy the luxuries
of gaff-rigged pleasure cruises
while mine scrabbles around
to survive.
Scrabbles?
You're not scrabbling, are you?
Course he's not scrabbling.
I am, actually. I am scrabbling.
We're being evicted this week.
Oh, no, what have you done now?
I committed the crime
of being young in Rome.
We're putting our stuff into storage
and then we're out on the streets.
You're gonna be homeless?
Yep.
Sort of. I mean,
not literally on the street, no,
but we will have to move
to a slightly worse area
and a significantly smaller flat.
So? A lot easier to clean.
And we'll still be at the mercy
of violent bloodsucking landlords.
I honestly don't know
how I'm going to cope, Mum.
Oh, Marcus, you poor little love.
Well, you could always come home
with us.
Yeah, no, I meant,
I don't know how I'm gonna cope
whilst staying in the city.
I guess, maybe,
is this a crazy idea...?
What, what is it?
He wants you to buy him a flat.
Or house. Depending on the budget.
HE LAUGHS
You're a hoot, you are, son.
Buy you a flat?!
Rent is not that bad,
you drama queen.
Now... I need a drink.
Let's see this swanky wine bar
that you own.
Everyone, meet Jason, the newest
member of our lettings team.
Can we have the keys to
20 Arcadia Villas, please, Verity?
Yes, of course.
Right, am I starting right away?
Do I not need training?
Can you unlock a door
and lead people through it?
I think so.
Then you're good to go.
Sweet! Oh, can I ask,
do I get a free flat with the job?
It's just that
when I worked at the wine bar,
I got free wine, so...
Ha!
No, you don't get a free flat.
But use that smooth tongue of yours
and rack up commissions,
you'll soon be able to afford
an extremely sick pad.
He'll need a clipboard.
And the hair gel too,
please, Verity.
Oh, yes.
You see? It's really not swanky
at all, it's more of a dive.
Looks like a perfectly good bar
to me.
What a fascinating smell.
It used to be a toilet.
Still is, basically. Hence why
we hardly ever get any customers.
Welcome.
Care for a glass of vino, Mr Gallo?
Oh, yes.
And one for you, madam?
Sorry, are you Marcus's mother
or sister?
Oh! Silly.
THEY BOTH LAUGH
What charming staff you have,
Marcus.
Ah, mums love me.
You must be so proud
of how well he's doing.
Oh, we are.
We are.
Well, you shouldn't be,
cos I'm not doing well at all.
You should be ashamed
and-or concerned.
To Marcus. And his cushy life.
To Marcus.
That's coming out of your wages.
You want me to do what, sorry?
Beat me up, lightly.
Right. Come on, then.
Wait, not now, though.
Later, in front of my parents.
And say I owe you rent.
Yeah, but for once,
you don't owe me rent.
So, OK, lie.
That shouldn't be too difficult
for you, and then hit me. A bit.
Not in the face, ideally.
Aw, see, that was the main draw
for me, though.
OK, well, a little in the face,
and maybe two in the gut.
Two in the face, one in the gut,
and you've got a deal.
All right, fine.
Lovely. And thanks so much
for thinking of me for this.
Oh, I can't wait.
You and me out on the open sea,
dolphins razzing by,
no-one asking me
why I've not put up those shelves
or taken the bins out.
No-one telling me
to stop eating nuts or guffing.
Oh, that's what ships are for,
every deck can be the poop deck.
Oh, you guff away, Grumio.
Or should I say, "first mate"?
Aye, aye, Captain.
We're gonna make a hell of a team.
Yeah.
I am now stuck... by the way.
Yeah, it's a cracking property.
It's got all the walls,
floors and that. Doors.
Very soft bed, and dry, crucially.
Lovely view here. Look.
And that does come with the flat.
Two bedrooms, so an extra room
to put all your crap in.
Or put a baby in.
If you decide to have kids.
I mean, you're both so hot,
it'd be rude not to. Aw.
And there's no restriction
on the all-you-can-eat element?
No, no, they don't fuck about
like that, the Chinese.
Er, where you going?
It's down this way, I can smell it.
This is a shortcut.
Come on.
There you are, you jizz hound.
Oh, no, please.
Marcus, what's going on?
You owe me rent. Where is it?
Bloody hell. Calm down, landlord.
I don't have it, I'm sorry.
You will be...
Let go of my son.
Or I will fucking kill you!
Ooh, is that a blade?
Has your mum got a blade?
Yeah, Mum, put the knife down.
Let him go, right now!
Whoa, easy, darling,
I was just messing.
He told me to do it.
I didn't sign up for this, Marcus.
Sorry, Mrs G.
I hope you enjoy your visit.
Thank you.
So that's why
you brought us this way?
You shady, shady bastard.
Dinner, then?
HE YAWNS
But, yeah, it is a banger, this one.
Available now. Vacant.
Has been for three months.
Whoa! Imagine that.
Sweet pad like this,
just sat here, empty.
HE SIGHS
Sorry, that was bad of me.
Yes, it was.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Well, you can talk, you ran away.
No, I... I was looking for help.
What, behind a cart?
And if I'd known you were carrying
a sword in your handbag, Sylvia,
I would've stayed put.
Well, someone has to be ready
to protect our family.
Only from people Marcus has hired.
Yes, thank you, Grumio,
shut up and eat your spring rolls.
And I only did that
because I'm desperate.
In what way are you desperate?
I'm desperate to get
on the property ladder
so I can stop throwing money away
on rent.
Oh, it's a sort of desperation.
But I can't do that
because you're spunking
all our savings
on some floating penis extension.
What do you mean, "our savings"?
He's done 40 years hard graft
on the farm, mate,
if he wants a penis boat,
let him have one.
It's not hard graft!
He's mainly sitting around
waiting for plants to grow.
He's right.
The money should go to Marcus.
Thanks, Mum. You're the best.
No! No way.
Oh, I am sick to death of you
putting yourself first, Lepidus.
Why are you always taking his side?
He's manipulating you.
I am not.
He is not.
Mum and I just have a special bond,
and you don't understand.
Exactly, he's my baby boy, Lepidus.
And I say he needs his own flat
more than you need your dinghy.
It's a gaff-rigged two-berth
lapstrake frigate!
And if I can't have it, Sylvia,
by Jove, it's over!
Well, then, I guess it's over.
Well, hang on.
Fine. Come on, Grumio.
We're not leaving now, are we?
I'm only on my third plate.
No, we're just moving tables.
Sorry, you're an estate agent now?
That wasn't quite the plan
when you set off yesterday. I know!
It's my dream job. I mooch around
a sweet pad chatting shit,
and at the end of the day
I get to sleep in it. Hm.
You get to sleep in it
or you illegally sleep in it?
Yeah, that one.
Hey, I could ask Magnus if he's got
a job going for you. No need.
My parents are buying me a flat.
Nice! The old "divide and rule"
worked, then? It worked.
A bit too well, if anything.
They kind of split up.
Oh, shit. That sucks.
Yeah, but I do get my own flat,
so on balance
I think it's probably worth it.
Speaking as an estate agent,
I can assure you it is.
Morning, Grumio.
All right, Lepi.
Turns out I can sleep standing up
after all.
Did you manage to get some shut-eye?
Just about.
Used a sack of onions for a pillow.
I dreamt I was sailing on my boat.
Then I woke up and remembered
some little bastard had sunk it.
I'm sorry your son's
such a massive bellend.
To be honest, Grumio,
I think I was just trying
to put miles of water
between me and Sylvia.
Finally get some peace.
Now we've split up,
I can get that anyway. Totally.
I'm mainly pumped
about shaking off Marcus.
I mean, he'll never let me
eat raw onions, for example.
Well, there you go.
We can do what we want now, son,
boat or no boat.
I can leave my clothes lying around,
drink before noon,
pick the dead skin off my feet.
All the fun stuff.
Cheers to that.
Tangy.
Ew...
Morning, all.
Ah, here he is!
All hail King Jason!
Do the honours, Verity.
Oh, cool! Thanks.
And why am I king, please?
It's just a little thing we do
when someone rents their first flat.
A couple came in just now
and took Arcadia Villas!
Oh, no way? Wicked.
I'm so pleased...
They said you were great.
You'll be surprised to hear that
praise for an estate agent
is actually pretty rare.
Hm. So, I can't go back there? Not
unless you're moving in with them.
So, hand over those keys.
But I mean, where do I go now?
You go to a new property and rent
that out. That's how the job works.
Oh! OK, fine. So, actually,
can I try a swankier pad this time?
You know, for the challenge.
Ambitious, love it.
Course you can.
Maybe with a wet room and a balcony.
South-facing, ideally.
You take your pick.
I've got to run to a viewing.
Verity, show Jason the luxury range.
Now, this is more like it.
And with fewer rodents, I notice.
Well, your budget's a lot healthier.
I mean, you can afford to buy,
for one thing.
Mum came to the rescue.
She's the best.
Good old bank of mum and dad.
Well, the money did come from us,
yes, but me and his dad
are actually in the process
of separating.
He doesn't need to know that.
Good size second bedroom
through here.
Great.
Grumio can finally wallow
in his own den of filth.
Or he can keep wallowing with you
and someone else could live here.
What, like a lodger?
More like a mother.
Ha. Right. Really?
But don't you already live
somewhere?
I can't go back to the farm
now I've ditched that selfish git.
And I'm young enough to start again.
Well, that's debatable, but even so,
would you have to start again
quite so close to me?
Where else would I be
than with my baby boy?
You said it yourself,
we've got a special bond.
Yeah, of course we do.
It'll be heavenly.
We can eat our meals together,
have a snuggle on the sofa.
Go out on double dates.
Heavenly indeed. I've got the
paperwork here if you want to sign.
No, let's not with the paperwork
quite yet.
You should buy the boat!
Well, well, well.
Look who's come
to poop on the party.
I don't want a flat any more.
You should get back with mum
and buy your frigging great frigate.
You've changed your tune.
I searched my heart and saw that
your needs were greater than mine.
Like fuck. Horse shit.
All right, fine.
Mum wants to move in with me
and snuggle on the sofa.
Ha! Sounds cosy.
Careful she doesn't smother
you to death. So you'll do it?
Patch things up and take her home.
No way, I'm living the dream here.
What, drinking cherry wine
in a storage unit?
And eating onions.
Enjoying our time upon the good ship
Do As We Please.
Which is technically a storage unit,
yes. Come on, Dad.
Don't throw 30 years of marriage
overboard. Go and fight for her!
Fight for her?
I'm a selfish coward, Marcus,
haven't you heard?
I've moved on, mate. I'm over her.
But what about me? Can't you stay
together for the sake of the child?
You've made your bed, son,
now you've got to lie in it.
With your mother.
It is spacious. Very airy.
It's a lovely gaff, it really is.
Nicely kitted out. I mean, on first
viewings you can't even tell.
Tell what?
Hm? Sorry?
You said on first viewing
you can't even tell.
Did I?
Yes. You definitely did.
Well, I shouldn't have, all right?
Cos I work on commission,
you see. So...
Naughty.
I mean, we are now gonna need
to know what you mean by that.
OK, fine.
Someone died here.
Quite horribly and mysteriously.
So everyone that moves in is like,
"It's haunted and creepy!"
It's probably bollocks, though.
Should we go and see the cellar?
Wooo! Yes, good...
Come on.
It's called an Aurelius special.
Gosh, it's very strong.
Sorry, Mum, I have to work late now
my head barman is an estate agent
so I can't go curtain shopping
with you.
Don't worry, darling.
Aurelius is taking me out
once he's finished his shift.
Great, thanks, Aurelius. Hang on,
sorry, taking you out on a date?
Well, I wasn't so bold
as to specify.
We'll just play it by ear.
No, we won't.
We won't play it
by any part of the body, thank you.
Excuse me,
I am single for the first time
in over 30 years, Marcus,
and I intend to make the most of it.
That is not making the most of it!
He is the absolute least.
You cannot tell me who I may
or may not step out with, Marcus.
You are not the boss of me.
Right, well, I am the boss of you,
so step out with my mum
and you are fired.
Uh, no, I'm not.
It's illegal to dismiss someone
for their sexual preferences.
What sexual preferences?
Well, for yummy mummies.
Aw, you think I'm a yummy mummy?
I think you're an absolutely
scrummy mummy.
Fuck's sake!
Stay here where I can keep
an eye on you, then.
Cheers.
BREAKS WIND
If this isn't living,
I don't know what is.
Salve, Grumio.
All right, landlord.
What's going on here, then?
We put ourselves into storage.
Right, well, I don't want
to evict you for a second time,
but Linda's now set for the move.
And her honey-making gubbins
needs storing.
That's all right. We can cope with
some gubbins, can't we?
Absolutely. We're very adaptable.
Suit yourselves.
BEES BUZZING
MAGNUS: Underfloor heating
throughout,
his and hers vanity unit,
plunge pool through here...
Hey, Magnus!
What are you doing here?
Conducting a viewing.
I wanted you to do it, but you
never came back to the office.
How come you're here? And wet?
I'm also conducting a viewing.
I was just demonstrating
the plunge pool to my... Ah!
Where have my clients gone?
Must have just left. Weird.
That is weird.
Weird, I didn't see them when I came
in. I did see some others, though,
who said you told them
the place was haunted. It isn't.
Well, it might be.
Just cos it's not in our brochure...
Are you living here, Jason?
No. Not yet, anyway.
Tonight'll be my first night.
No, it won't. You're fired.
Hand over your keys and get out.
Right now.
Yeah, sure.
Just give me 20 mins
to pack up my shit.
Sorry. Excuse me.
CHUCKLES, THEN SIGHS
This morning I was King Jason.
Now I'm homeless Jason.
Well, you can always crash at my
place where I live with my mother.
And possibly Aurelius,
depending on how tonight goes.
How did it come to this?
Evening, traitor.
Quick glass of wine for the road,
please.
You're leaving?
What happened to the storage unit?
It's full of bees.
We're headed back to the farm.
Live in peace up there.
Tell the old girl we said goodbye,
won't you?
Tell her yourself.
She's just over there.
What's she doing
with your noncy barman?
I think they're on a date,
actually.
A date?
We only split up yesterday!
What do you care?
I thought you'd moved on.
I know. I have.
I haven't!
Get your sticky hands off her!
Lepidus, what are you doing here?
Now, sir, she's a single woman,
she can do whatever...
ALL GASP
No, please! Don't fight over me.
Come on, Sylvia.
Let's continue our evening
away from this angry farmer.
Stop touching my wife!
ALL GASP
Holy fuck, he stabbed me!
Dad, that's insane!
Yes, love it. Stab him again, Lepi!
I've been a selfish old fool.
Oh, Lepidus,
I've been so hard on you.
Don't ever change.
I'm lost without you, Sylv'.
GROANS
No, no, leave it...
SHRIEKING
So we can stay?
Yeah.
Linda went right off the area after
she witnessed that brutal stabbing.
Ah. Sorry about that.
Nah, you bailed me out. Things were
moving too fast for me anyway.
So your pops did us all a favour.
Oh, yeah. Apart from Aurelius.
ALL CHUCKLE
LEPIDUS AND SYLVIA
NOISILY HAVING SEX
I'm just chuffed them two
are back together.
I think I'll sleep in here tonight.
NOISE INCREASES,
MARCUS GROANS
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