Play for Today (1970–1984): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Kiss of Death - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Vicar

Lousy afternoon isn't it

Right

You just follow the coffin

Yeah ok...

Can you just come
into line please

That's it

Alright?

Yeah great

- Cig?
- Yeah



Hi

Hiya

Are you coming?

Where to?

Home

Yeah just a minute
I've got to finish this shelf first

What you
doing tonight?

Going out

Who with?

Sandra

Do you want to come
out with us then?

No

What time?

Eight o'clock



- See ya
- See ya

Busy day today

How much did you sell?

About six dozen little
chocolate sponge-cakes

Funny for the
middle of the week

We only did
one today

Do you want any afters?

What is it?

Chocolate sponge-cakes

Oh hiya
come in

HIYA

Hang on while I
get me bag

Are you right?

What's up?

Nothing

What's up
with you?

Nothing

What did you
say that for?

I don't know

You're daft you

Eh?

You say right daft
things sometimes

Such as?

Like, "what's up?"

You got a dead
nice laugh you

What you laughing at?

Nothing

You don't know how
lucky you are Trev'

You're on a good
number here

You've got security

There's no clocking in

Nobody standing over you

and you get
paid for it aswell

and when you retire

you're on a
good pension

and finally when
you pass away

You get a free funeral
on the firm

There's no short time
in this business

Ooh eh
he's there

I'm going to
comb my hair

Eh?

You don't remember
me do you?

No

Don't you? I worked in that
plumbing office with you

It was dead boring

What's up?

Nothing

What about you
are you dating?

Not at the
moment

Who are you with?

I was supposed to be with me
friend but she hasn't turned up

Can I have a port
and lemon please

Are you with
your fiancee

No it's just
me boyfriend

Hey he's got a mate with
him that's on his own

Has he?

Yeah

What's he like?

- He's dead nice
- Is he?

He works in the
undertakers

- Does he?
- Yeah

That's him
over there

Which one?

Him with the
brown jacket on

Is that your
boyfriend?

Yeah

- Mmm dead nice looking isn't he?
- Yeah he is

This is Linda

That's Ronnie and
that's Trevor

Hiya

Hiya

She used to
work with me

What do you
do Ronnie?

Work in a
supermarket

Do you? Hey I used to
work in a supermarket

Dead boring isn't it?

It's alright

What do you
do Trevor?

Tell her what
you do Trevor

Go on

You work in the
undertakers don't you

Yeah

- Do you?
- Yeah

- Do you like it?
- Yeah

- Do you think it's dead nice?
- Yeah

Great

Cinzano and
lemonade please

She came working as
a temp at our place

When the supervisor
was off poorly with piles

She only
stayed a day

Do you like her?

She's alright

Do you like
her Trevor?

Don't know

Eh

You know when you was
saying you're an undertaker

Well that's not hard
work is it, really?

No really I'm interested
What sort of work do you do?

I mean what do you
do every morning?

Make coffee

Is that all?

That's boring that

It's alright

and what else
do you do?

Eh?

Clean the hearse

The what?

The hearse

Hearse?

What's an hearse?

What's an hearse?

It's a big black car

- Is it?
- Yeah

- and that's what you clean is it?
- Isn't she thick

That's all you
do then is it?

We go and collect
people aswell

- and bury them
- Bury them?

and cremations

Do you?

Yeah

What do you do when you collect them?
Isn't it dead morbid, dead frightening?

What you laughing at?

No

Don't you find it dead
frightnening all dead people?

What do you do with them when you
see them dead, what do you do with them?

Take them away

and we clean them up
and we dress them

- What?
- and put them in their coffin

Clean them?

What d'you mean
you clean them?

Make them all
nice for when....

When anyone wants
to come and see them

Who wants to
come and see them?

- Well the relatives
- Do they?

Well they might want to come
and see them and say bye

You what?

and then I put
lipstick on them

- Do you?
- I do yeah and make them up

- Put lipstick on them?
- Yeah

Eh you don't put
lipstick on the fella's

- Do you think she's his type?
- Hmm?

Do you think
she's his type?

Well I don't know

So what else do you do then when you've washed them? -
What do you do?

- Work in a shoe shop
- Do you?

and what do you do?

Just serve, don't I

Can I have a pint of lager a port and
lemon a cinzano and lemonade please

Got a girlfriend?

Oh and why not?

Don't you like
girls at all?

Yeah

I haven't got a
boyfriend at the moment

He didn't have a drink him
because it were his round

You can come and
see me if you like

Would you
like too?

Yeah

Well it don't matter

Yes it does

How does it?

'cause you're too
soft with him

Where is it?

- You know Woolworths?
- Yeah

It's just opposite

You let him walk
all over you

Alright come on Monday

- Monday?
- Yeah

When I finish work

Are you coming
back to our house?

Do you want me to? -
Yeah -

Alright then

- Me Mum's out
- Is she?

and me Dad yeah

Oh I'll look forward
to that then won't I

That'll be dead nice

Hey he's a bit funny though isn't he -
He's alright -

- Are you right Ronnie?
- Yeah

Are you alright Trevor?

It suits you
that brown shirt

- Does it?
- Yeah

Brown's your
colour isn't it

Do you think he
asked her out?

Don't know

Do you think
he did?

I hope
he did

- Why?
- Well

I'm getting a bit sick of
him keep tagging on with us

Aren't you?

Eh?

Hmm?

Aren't you getting
a bit sick of him?

Tagging on

Are you?

'cause I am

Are you not
bothered?

Course I am

Come on

Come on left
hand down a bit

Whoah

and again

- Right?
- Yeah

On you
go then

How's your Wife?

I worship the ground
that's coming to her

and how's
your love-life?

Eh?

Girlfriend

You've got one
haven't you?

- Don't know?
- I had hundreds when I were your age

One on
each arm

Come on
up

Can I borrow
one of the cars

What for?

Oh no

I'm not spending all day wiping
the foot-prints off the roof lining

Did you hear about the one when
the Queen visited the hospital?

No

She went into the ward
and she went to every bed

She got to the bed right
at the end of the ward

and on the pillow
was a little head

Nothing else

and the Queen
said "hello"

and this little head
said "GO AWAY"

She said
"I beg your pardon?"

"GO AWAY"

So she turned to the
Matron and she said

"He seems a
little upset"

The Matron said
"Well you'd be upset"

"He's having all his
teeth out tomorrow"

Give us the
hair brush

There you are

Here you are

Thanks

Hiya

Hiya

Why didn't you
come in yesterday?

Eh?

Busy

I was dead
disappointed

Were you?

Course I was, wasn't I

Are you serving me or not? -
What do you want? -

I don't like these shoes
they're pointed

Well I'm sorry that's all we've got -
Right then, thank you -

Alright bye

Is that the suit you
wear for work then?

Yeah

Hang on a minute, I'll just put this shoe
back in the box, alright I won't be a minute

It's dead old
fashioned isn't it

Do you have to
wear a black tie?

Yeah

You all wear them?

Yeah

Your hair's a bit
scruffy isn't it?

I'm working

Just 'cause you're working doesn't
mean you can't comb your hair do's it

You better come out
for a minute, alright?

Just pretend you're
looking in the window

I'll have to go
in a minute

- Do you want to come out tonight?
- I can't I'm sorry

What about tomorrow?

Alright

I'll see you tomorrow
outside the Roxy

What time?

About 7:30

Alright

Alright?

Yeah

Bye Trevor

You're dead quiet
you, aren't you?

Eh?

Are you always
dead quiet?

Dead nice in
here isn't it?

Do you think
I'm common?

- Eh?
- I'll have to go in a minute

- Where?
- Home ain't I

To Mum

She gets dead worried
if I go home late

What are you
laughing at? eh?

Come to our house

You what?

What would I want to
come to your house for?

Eh?

Do you like
me Trevor?

Yeah

Do you?

Do you think
I'm dead nice?

Yeah

Do you think
I'm dead pretty?

- Eh?
- Yeah

Why?

You've got nice eyes

Have I?

What else have I got?

Do you like my perfume?
Go on, have a smell

I bet they were friends
these two up here

I don't know

Come on

You can see the
lot here can't you

What would you like best? Would you
prefer to be buried or cremated?

Don't know, what would
you want to do?

- I want to be buried
- Do you? - Yeah

If you get cremated it's sort of like,
you know what I mean it's all finished

- It's finished anyway when your gone isn't it?
- No it isn't

- No but it's different
- It's all the same to me

I don't think it is

Well it is

What shall we do now eh?
Do you want to go to a disco?

No I don't like disco's

No?

I don't like disco's

Why not?

Eh?

Just don't like them?

What time are your Mum
and Dad getting back? - Soon

You're getting a right Romeo you aren't you?

I'll have to get up
my back's killing me

That's my house over there

Is it?

You can't come in

Why not?

My Mum's in

- What are you laughing at?
- Nothing!

Do you want to
see me again?

Yeah

I'll see you on Friday alright?

- Yeah - Well you don't sound
as if you want to do you?

I do

Where?

I'll come round for you

I'm not just sitting in some
awful pub all night then walking
round all the time, it's dead boring

I'm not...

...I'm not going in any disco

Well you tell me where you want
me to go then I'll just go won't I

Eh?

The cinema

Alright, see you outside
the Roxy on Friday

The Roxy

What time?

Same as today?

Yeah

Alright

Alright

Bye

How's the job?

Boring, shifting
boxes all day

Leave

That's what Sandra says, says I
ought to get a job in a tailors shop

What're you laughing at?

Sandra

What's she like?

How do you mean?

What's she like?

I don't know
what you mean

Have you had her yet?

Why not?

- Dunno
- Eh?

Oh she's always frightened her
Mum and Dad will come back

Take her round to your place

She wouldn't come round to my place

- Bring her round here
- Round here?

I've got a bedroom

Don't be daft

What do you mean?

Well what about your Mum?

Are you going
out tomorrow?

Yes

- Where to?
- The Conservative Club with your Auntie Agnes

There you are

What?

Tomorrow

She's going out

Hiya

Hiya

Hiya

What you been doing?

I've been in all day

Is your Mum in?

No, she's gone out

What're you reading?

A book

Clever

- You want to take your coat off?
- We're not staying, are we?

- I thought we were going for a drink?
- We've only just come

Have you asked us round
for anything special Trevor?

No

Are we going
for a drink?

What?

Are we going
for a drink?

What?

Shut up

What?

Shut up

Want to go upstairs? -
What for? to go to the toilet? -

I'll go if you
don't mind

Through there

It's at the back

I thought you said
it was upstairs

No

Are you going out?

I said I'd stay down
here with my book

I haven't told her, y'know

- What can I say?
- Ask her to go upstairs

- Oh I can't do that
- Why not?

What would she say?

Don't know

She might say yeah

You better make
your mind up Ronnie

- What about?
- I can't ask her for you, can I?

- Alright?
- Yes thanks

Are you ready Ronnie?

- Eh?
- Are we going?

- Now?
- Yeah, I want to go for a drink

Are you ready?

See you around

See you

What's up?

Nothing

Are you coming?

Yeah

What time are you
going to meet her?

Don't know

About half sevenish
or something

What the fuck is this?

Hiya

I thought I was
meeting you?

I was coming

- You what?
- I was coming

I've been waiting haven't I?
about twenty minutes down the town

But I'm coming

Think you're really
you think you're really

Yeah go on laugh you...

You think you're dead
good you don't you, eh?

Well you're nothing

What was all that about?

Don't know, your go

- What're you laughing at?
- Linda

- See ya Froggy
- See ya

Hey Froggy? -
What? -

- Are you alright?
- Yeah

Did she hurt you?

No

- Are you going to see her again?
- No

- Are you not?
- No

See ya

What flaming time
do you call this?

- I over slept
- Well come on, we've got a job on

What's all the rush for?
we're only going to pick a body up

- It's a police job
- Police? Is it?

Get in, get your foot down

- Mr Garside?
- Yes

Come in please

Morning

Would you like
to come upstairs

No you stay
down here please

It's up here

Get the eh...

- What time do you finish?
- Two o'clock

- All afternoon to yourself then?
- Yes

I'll get them
out of the way

I think you should take her into
the lounge, come on Mrs Bodger

- Don't touch me
- Well I think it would be best

- Come on, go into the lounge
- You piss off into the lounge, it's easy for you

Yeah

If you need us
give us a call

Alright

I'll get my bag

- What?
- I'll get my bag - Yes

Well then, I'll probably see you
at the coroner's office tomorrow

Goodbye Mrs Bodger

- Shall we follow you?
- No I'll follow you

Right

Do you always
drive so fast?

I bloody told
you didn't I?

Name?

Zoe, Colette,
Angela Bodger

Age three months

Thank you

Hello

Want a cup of tea?

- Are you hungry?
- A bit

Dinner won't be long

Are you being
funny again?

Eh?

Funny

Anyway what've
you come round for?

To see you

What for?

'cause I wanted to

Alright

Anyway, you
can't come in

Is your
Mum in?

It's none of
your business

What have you
come to see me for?

Eh?

Are you deaf
as well as daft?

Eh?

What did you come
round for Trevor?

What're you
doing tonight?

What do you want to know for Trevor?
have you come to ask me out? - Yeah

Last time you asked me out
you didn't turn up did you?

Hold onto there
while I open the door

Alright, no good being
sorry now is there?

Too late now

Damage is done
now isn't it?

Linda? Excuse me Linda
I'm sorry to bother you

- What?
- It's my mother, I can't get her up the stairs

- Hey I bet her Mum's fallen down the stairs again
- Come on

- Don't go like that
- Course I am, it's dead urgent isn't it?

Isn't it awful?

Come on

- Stop laughing
- I'm not laughing

Oh Mum

- Please come on
- What are you doing?

I want to get
her upstairs

- She's fainted
- Come on

Hello

Are you there?

- She looks dead ill doesn't she
- Can I get some water?

Where's the kitchen?

Down the hall

- Come on love
- Come on

- Don't, be careful with her
- It's alright, it's alright

Come on

Come on

Here you are

Right hold that

Do you want a drink?

Not after your mucky fingers
have been in it she doesn't

- Oh that's better
- Nah she's alright now isn't she

I want to
go to bed

Alright we'll get
you to bed

Them stairs are
dead steep aren't they

- Can we put her in there?
- Yeah put her in there on that couch

I think we should
get her to bed

You can't

You can

Hold that,
come on

Here you are, right

- Oh be careful with her
- It's alright, it's alright

Come on then

- Mind her head
- Where is it?

Go straight ahead
of you there

- In here?
- Yes through there

Hey stop it

Pillow up

OK get a flannel, go on

Don't sit on the bed

- I always sit on the bed
- Don't be so cheeky

It's over her eyes, be careful

That's better

You sent for
Doctor Wooly?

No

You better had haven't you
she looks dead poorly

Yes I'd better
give him a ring

Go on then

Are you being
cheeky again?

Hey

Hey

Hey

Come on

What're you doing you stupid ape
eh? she can't hear you

Eh?

Stop it

Y'know when I walked
into that pub, right?

Yeah

Was that Ronnie
dead surprised?

- Yeah
- Was he? - Yeah

- What did he say?
- He said "what's all that about?"

- Did he?
- Yeah

Did I hurt you
when I hit you?

A bit

- Did I?
- Yeah

Don't do it again

Be here in about
twenty minutes he said

Oh that's better, do you
want a cup of tea love?

- No thanks
- I'll have one

Well if he's having
one I'll have one

Alright I'll go and
put the kettle on

Oh do you
want one Linda?

No thank you

Do you want
some help?

Yes if you like

What's your name?

Trevor

Oh

What's yours?

Dolly

Hello Dolly

Trevor

Do you take sugar?

Two

I've not seen your
husband around lately

He's around,
he's been busy

Anyone at home?

Hey

- In here Doctor
- Thank you

Hey have I got taller?

Hello

Now then Mrs Ball, what've
you been getting up to?

She's fainted Doctor

Fainted?

What do you have to faint on a
Sunday afternoon for, it's my day off

I'm sorry Doctor

And she didn't
eat her dinner

Didn't eat your dinner
you bad girl

How often have I told you to eat properly?
you've got to look after that stomach of yours

Will I have to go
into hospital?

No I don't think so Mrs Ball
but I'll have a little look at you anyway

Alright everybody
outside please

Come on Trevor

Bye Doctor bye

Bye bye

- Bye Mrs Ball
- See you later Dolly

Close the door please

Christine she's
put on my hat

Oh Mothers hat

Look I'm sorry

Could you close the
front door after you please

Alright!

You want to come in?

Alright

Do you want a coffee?

Yeah

Why haven't you
been round before?

Don't know

What've you been doing?

Working

- Oh there's the Doctor just going
- Don't put your foot on there

Have you been out
with that Ronnie?

No

Anyway you'll have to go
in a minute my Mum will be back

- Where's she been?
- She's at my Auntie Eileen's

- Are these yours?
- Yeah

Do you read them?

Yeah

What sort of books
do you like reading?

- Books
- What sort?

What is it?

Dracula?

Eh is it dead frightening?

Eh?

They always have to have
sexy women in them don't they?

Do you think she's pretty?

Eh?

She's alright

You fancied that Christine
though didn't you?

Eh?

You can kiss me if you like

Do you want to?

No?

Yeah

Put your coffee cup down

- But I haven't finished it yet
- Well finish it after

Go on

Well come on

Come on

- You're over there and I'm over here
- Well come over here then

Come on

Come on

- What're you laughing at?
- I'm not laughing

Eh?

I'm not

Don't you know how
to kiss anybody?

You what?

What're you laughing at?

Are you coming upstairs?

Come on

Ah dear

Well you better go
then hadn't you

Come on my Mum will
be back in a minute

Do you want to
see me again?

Do you Trevor?

Yeah

I want to go to a disco

Alright

This Friday?

Yeah

He doesn't want to
dance with me Trevor

Oh leave him
don't be like that

Well nobody else has got
their hands in their pockets

He's dead shy aren't you?

You've been lying to everyone

Never shut up do they?

Eh?

They never shut up

What's going on?

Pulling my hands out of
my pockets all the time

You going to dance
with me now Ronnie?

What?

Are you going to
dance with me?

- I don't know
- He can dance with me can't he?

- Go on and have a dance with Linda
- Can't he dance with me?

Eh can he?

Go on

Can't he, can't Ronnie
dance with me?

- Yeah
- Go on Ronnie

Come and have a dance I haven't
danced with a man yet have I really

- Go and have a dance
- You don't count him he's my man

and don't put your
hands in your pockets

So what sort of girls
do you like Ronnie?

- Eh?
- I'm not bothered

Do you think
Sandra's dead pretty?

She's alright

Do you think I'm
quite nice looking?

Eh?

Trevor doesn't like
me anymore

Don't you like
places like this?

Eh?

Where do you like?
Do you like the football?

What do you like then?

Do you just like reading?

What're you laughing for?

Eh?

I think you're really funny you

I'm not talking to you if
you just keep laughing

Are you going to marry Ronnie?

He's not asked me yet

What're you laughing at?
What's so funny?

You

I don't think that's nice

I haven't really got
a boyfriend anymore

Not really

When are you getting
married anyway?

Aren't you marrying Linda?

Eh?

No

Don't know

Would you like to come
round to my house?

- Yeah I suppose
- Would you?

Yeah

Just have a cup of tea
or something like that

Yeah

Do you want
to get married?

I don't know, what's this big
thing about getting married?

It's nothing to do with
you when I get married

I might do
I might not

- To Ronnie?
- You're right nosy you aren't you?

Eh

Why are you
so interested?

- Do you want to be a bridesmaid or something?
- You're always interested in what I am

- I'm not
- What I want to do

- You are
- Like what?

- Tell me what?
- Like everything

- Like what?
- You want to know everything don't you

- I do not
- You do

- What have I asked you?
- I see it all the time you're
always shouting at Ronnie

Well it's nothing
to do with you

I'm not shouting
at him anyway

You look like a cheshire cat
leering like that

Oh here they are

How are we getting home?

Are we getting a taxi?

Yeah if you want

Are you alright?

- Is he alright? eh?
- Are you alright?

Yeah

Yeah right!

Have you had a
nice time Ronnie?

Yeah

Have you?

- Yeah
- I have

Well come on

Eh Trevor

What's up with you? come on

You are you've been miserable all night

I've not, I have been speaking

- You haven't
- Yes I have

- You've hardly said two words all night
- I have

- Well all you said is "yes" and "no"
- Alright then don't give me a kiss and see if I care

Have you had a
nice time Ronnie?

- Yeah
- Have you?

- Do you like going out?

(Ronnie) - Yeah
(Sandra) - Talk proper!
(Linda) - Do you like dancing?

- Yeah I do
- Do you?

You're a dead good dancer

Am I?

Course you are, isn't he
I think he's a dead good dancer

Better than half them
there he was isn't he?

- Better than Trevor
- He's alright

Are we going again
next week?

- Oh I'd like to go out
- Yeah it was great we had a good laugh didn't we

- Better than going out to the
pub wasn't it, it's dead boring
- Oh yeah

- I hate that, don't you? It's awful
- Yeah

Are we going again next week Trevor?

Trevor

Trevor

What are you doing that for eh?
Are you talking to me at all?

SHUT UP

Hang on please it's just here

Is he rather annoyed him?

I shall see you Linda anyway

- I've had a good night, have you?
- Yeah I have

- See you Trevor
- Oh don't talk to him

- He's not speaking
- He's stupid

I'll see you Ronnie

Give us a kiss then

- Come on
- Go on

Come on, give us a kiss

That was a quickie

- Go on I'll see you
- I'll see you

- Bye
- Bye

- It's been a good laugh hasn't it?
- Yeah it has

- Alright I'll look after him for you, bye
- Bye, bye

Is that you Sandra?

Yeah

Well make sure you put those
lights out when that Ronnie's gone

He's not here

Could you stop here please

I've got to get out now

Could you open the door
for me Trevor please?

Thanks

- We've had a really nice time we'll
have to do it again sometime won't we?

Yeah

You can bring Sandra
along perhaps eh?

You rude pig

Do you want to give
me a good night kiss?

Eh come on
eh come on

Come on give me a
good night kiss, come on

Don't you want to?

Ooh isn't he awful

Do you want to give me
a good night kiss instead?

I don't know
if I should

What are you
laughing at eh?

Ooh you think you're
dead good don't you?

See you later

I'm going now

- Good night Ronnie
- Night

- Alright I've had a nice time
- Yeah

- Bye
- Bye

Bye

- Hiya
- Hiya

- Cold isn't it
- It is

- They might not be too long in there though
- No

Do you think they will?

I don't know

They might be and
they might not be

- Do you like the weddings?
- Yeah

- Do you?
- Yeah

What do you
like about it?

Well they're
nice to see

Yeah

Do you want
to get married?

No

Why not?

I don't know

Don't you like boys?

No

- Don't you?
- No

- You not got a boyfriend?
- No

- I bet you have
- I haven't

- Eh?
- I haven't

- Why not?
- I don't know

- Don't anybody fancy you?
- No

- Don't you fancy anybody else?
- No

No?

- No
- What do you just do all the time?

Play with my friends

Friends?

- What do you do with them?
- Play in the garden with my dolls

- Do you?
- Yeah

I wish they
would hurry up

How long do you
think they'll be?

Be about another three thousand, nine hundred hours
the rate they're going on in there

Do you think so?

Well you never
know, it could be

- You alright?
- Yeah

- Are you?
- Yeah

Sorry about
last night

What?

Linda

Not you is it?

Here look at this

What?

Yeah look at them

Shall we go to
Blackpool in it?

Now?

Yeah

Won't they mind?

Don't know

Come on

English subtitles by ib50
28/9/2008
:--)

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.