Play for Today (1970–1984): Season 7, Episode 14 - The Price of Coal: Part 1 - Meet the People - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Item nine. Any other business?

Mr Meakin said that concessionary coal
orders were billing up for delivery

from Smithy Wood land sale
due to shortage of suitable coal

and asked the chairman
if something could be done about this

before the winter months were on us.

Mr Forbes said he'd look into this.

Someone to move for a true
and accurate record of these minutes.

MAN 1: I propose that, Mr Chairman.
MAN 2: I'll second that, Mr Chairman.

Now before we go on to matters arising,

I have an item of news
that I think you'll find interesting.



Next month, Prince Charles
is making a two-day visit to this area.

He'll be visiting Sheffield, Barnsley,
and one or two other places in the area.

Today, I had a phone call
from the area director

and he informs me that this colliery
has been chosen for an official visit.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL MURMURING EXCITEDLY)

Well, look, in view of this,

I think we ought to spend
the rest of the afternoon

discussing the preparations
for this visit

and what we're gonna do about it.

So if somebody would like to propose
a motion cancelling the present agenda?

MAN 3: Yeah.

I'd like to move a motion,
cancelling visit.

(ALL LAUGHING)



It's not a laughing matter. I'm serious.

MAN 4: Will he be turning up here?

-What do you mean? Arriving?
-In here. In this office.

Ah, we don't know yet. We haven't got
the itinerary, have we?

We'll have to shift these off the wall.

(CHUCKLES) No,
that's gonna get repainted, that.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Or a touch-up.

We haven't got the itinerary, have we?

-FORBES: Look, look, look, look...
-What about the muck out there?

FORBES: Well, you know
my feelings on that.

I want it recontoured and grassed.

Well, you tried hard enough in the past.

Don't matter how much we clean yard up.

It'll look nowt
with that at back on it.

(ALL SPEAKING)

MAN 5: What about canteen
at other side on back of it?

They'll not do owt in there
'cause he won't be going in there.

(MEN CLAMOURING)

...in our bloody office.

Look, we've already been designated
money for a facelift.

It were gonna be done so we may as well
kill two birds with one stone.

SID: Well, we can kill three
while we're at it

'cause I'm having nothing to do with it.

If he's gonna come here,
he should see this place as it is.

And if not, he shouldn't come at all.

-MAN 5: Yeah.
-What about the stock yard area?

It's a eyesore.

There's loads of scrap
that could be sold to a scrap merchant

and money received
from this and utilised.

-Yeah, that's a good idea.
-That's not a bad idea.

SID: What about canteen?

FORBES: Now, look,
I've just explained it to you.

Let's forget about this and, look,

let's get things right
in a proper perspective.

We're gonna do this job
and we're gonna do this right.

And we're gonna have
something to be proud on.

There's nobody
gonna be ashamed of the pit.

They're gonna be proud on it.
Is that all right?

So that's it then. So let's cut
the argument out and let's start

and make this pit till we're proud on it
and everybody else is.

-(ALL MURMURING CONSENT)
-Right.

(ENGINE RUNNING)

(ENGINE STOPS)

How long will it be
before the grass comes through?

About two to three weeks
depending on the weather.

Good, then that will give us
plenty of time then.

Yes, but if it rains really hard,
it'll wash the seeds off the banks.

Well, we'll have to pray it don't,
then, shan't we?

-Off early, aren't you?
-Ah, I'm just dropping in to see Lizzie.

Ah, don't be popping in there
once too often.

KATH: Come on, Sid,
you're gonna be late.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

Here, cop for these.

-Beautiful, aren't they?
-Yeah.

Put 'em on the sink
and I'll see to them after.

-All right, Son.
-MARK: All right, Dad.

SID: Who's batting?
MARK: Yorkshire, why?

SID: How many are there?
MARK: 43 for 1.

Not a bloody good picture,
though, is it?

-No. Why can't we get a colour telly?
-(EXCLAIMS)

It's going back to Wiggies soon,
I tell thee that.

(SIGHS)

Is Boycott out yet?

No, he's playing well.

-Just like Yorkshire.
-Yeah, absolutely.

Look at them.

With it being a funny telly,
they look like pygmies.

(SID CHUCKLES)

-Here, love.
-Cheers, kid.

Can I have mine, Mom, please.

I'll get you yours, Mark,
when your dad's gone to work.

What're you doing home, love?

I forgot my cookery money.

-How much do you want?
-Um, 50 pence.

Oh, 50 pence, Sid, for cookery.

Oh, and, Janet, you can use
that 50 pence to bring me a loaf.

-Dad.
-SID: What?

You know, that big do
they're having at your pit?

Aye.

Sean Chappell says anybody can go down,
and he's going down with his grandma.

Not unless his grandma's
the queen, he's not.

KATH: Hey, I've heard that, Sid.

They say that when
all the VIPs are gone,

they gonna let general public
down for a look.

No, love, that's only on open days.
This is an official visit.

KATH: They said they're making
a good job of the pit yard, though.

Well, they ought to be, doesn't they?
There's enough of 'em at it.

I've never seen anything like it.

Folks will royalty
were coming or something.

-Morning, Sid.
-Morning, love.

(DISTANT COMMENTARY ON TV)

Sid's here.

You got over it now, then, Sid,
the visit?

Every time I think about it,
it's like having one of my teeth pulled.

Aye, you're funny.

There's a bloke in there
who reckons to be a fast bowler.

I've seen faster bowlers
on the green down at club.

Oh, stop grumbling and get on to work.

(COMMENTARY PICKS UP PACE)

He wants to be.

Silly chuff. What's he want
to be hooking for at this time of day?

-Fuck him...
-Hey, you can stop that language

and save it till you get to the pit.

(LAUGHS) That's all I needed.

Sunny afternoon like this,
afternoon shift and now Boycott's out.

(SPEAKING)

BOY: Go on!

(CHILDREN PROTESTING)

-How long has that been up?
-Put it up Friday.

Milton Unit, huh?

We don't work down pit now,
thou knows, kid.

E. Tenebris Lux.

NCB, Milton Unit, South Yorkshire.
E. Tenebris Lux.

-Bloody hell.
-Latin that.

Latin?

Yeah, it means "Out of the shadows
comes the light."

Bloody hell, where'd they get that from?

Our Tony.

-Your Tony?
-Did a bit of Latin at school.

Then what's he doing down
at the pit then if he knows Latin?

Well, he didn't do it
for long, did he.

Didn't have much choice, really,
he packed it in.

You need 7 GCEs to
get a job sweeping up these days.

(BOTH TALKING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It's a tree you're planting there,
not a daffodil.

What's thou mean?

Look at the size of that hole.
It wants to be twice as deep as that

and a lot wider.

Look, there's gotta be room
for 'em roots to spread,

otherwise it'll die like that one.

It's only for the royal visit, innit?

I mean, after that,
it's done with, innit?

Oh, come on, if you're gonna do a job,
do it right.

I'll tell you that
I'm bleeding pissed off with gardening.

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-I came here to be a miner, didn't I?

SID: Thy wants to think
thy sen lucky thy's got

such an enlightened employee training,
doing all these different skills.

-Ah, is that right?
-(LAUGHS)

-Anyway. Get off, go.
-Whoa, look at that.

I've been here all morning digging this
and then you two come around.

They're looking good.

Thy can come and do mine
when thy has finished doing that.

Hey, another thing, does you know
that by planting that tree,

they are ensuring economic future
of this country.

How's thou work that out?

Well, thou knows where coal comes from,
don't thou? How it's made.

I know, I did geography.

SID: Well, then how's it made?

It's made with trees, innit.
Dying off.

After millions of years
forms coal, don't it.

SID: Well, there it goes then.
Stocks don't last forever, do they?

By planting that tree,
that's safeguarding economic future

of the mining industry
for the next two million years.

Don't be so daft.

I'll tell you,
it's what's known as long-term planning.

Come on, silly bugger. Thou's daft.

Have they recruited our Tony
into forestry commission and all yet?

Ah, he's in wood business.
He's stacking it over there.

Anyway, what're you doing
planting that tree with your hat on?

Regulations, innit?
I can't take 'em off, can I?

Hey up, what're we doing here, then?

They don't look like
Coal Board painters, do they?

MAN: Somebody told me that's them
that's doing Blackpool Tower every year.

MAN 2: Get out on it.
It looks a bit better, anyroad.

I bet it's not been painted
since it was put up.

Give over. It's supposed to have been.
This pit's more than 100 years old.

I'm telling you, I've been here
38 years come November,

and it's not been done in my time.

(ALL TALKING)

I wish I were doing that
this afternoon

instead of going where I'm going.

Ah, and me.

They could have put
an escalator on there

and all when thy's finished painting.
(LAUGHS)

(MEN SPEAKING)

How's Yorkshire got on?

Eighty-five for two when we came out.

-Is Boycott out?
-Ah.

-Just as we left.
-Don't talk about it.

-How many did he get?
-Forty four.

-Can't grumble at that.
-Who can't?

How will thy go on
when frisking him then?

Ah, don't you worry about him.

Same as you, you know.
Look same. Feeling his pockets.

Thy'd shit thee sen
if you touched his overalls.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

What'll thy do if thy find a lump
in one of his pockets?

I'll ask him to take it out.
Show it, eh? (LAUGHS)

Depends which pocket it is in.

We'd have half a ton of dynamite on us
back and thy'd say nowt.

Get away.
He don't take contraband like you do.

SID: More likely to than us, isn't he?
He don't know owt about the job..

Yeah, but we work here.
We know what could happen.

Told me he don't smoke.

Told me he smokes Woodbines.

Yeah.

I wonder if he saves the coupons.

Bound to. Inflation's hitting him
just same as us.

Thy's only got to read papers
to tell you that.

I bet he's saving up
for one of these new lawn mowers

'cause they say there's a lot of grass
back at their house.

Lot of grass?
Forty million quid he's worth.

-Never.
-He is, aye.

He gets most of it
from Duchy of Cornwall.

Who is she?

It's land, you daft pillock.

If they ever tax brains,
thy'll get a rebate, you.

He's got a lot of land
in Devon and Cornwall.

And these big estates in London.

Best of it is, you know
when he got that rise in 1973.

Parliament agreed to pay his widow
60,000 quid a year.

That's over a ?1000 a week
of taxpayer's money.

For what, he's not bloody married.

Well, she'll still want looking after,
won't she, when he goes.

Oh, over a ?1000 a week?

What's an ordinary widow
getting these days?

SID: ?13.30.

-(LAUGHS)
-(BELL RINGING)

Come on, Leslie Welch,
that cage is here.

Who's Leslie Welch?

Of course, you're not old enough
to know Leslie Welch.

Knows more about Raquel Welch, that one.

-(BOTH LAUGHING)
-I've heard of him.

(ALL TALKING)

-All right, chap...
-Ah, well done.

Now, there we go again.

Come on, get down here.

(MAN COUGHING)

Come on, get on.

Has snow come yet?

Snow? What thy talking about?

They tell me they're sending
10,000 gallon of snow

to whitewash the staff for thee.

They gonna paint the chair, though.

Aye. So don't mucky it up.

-Well, get out of here.
-That's very good.

-...when we come out.
-I'll be home watching television.

I hope it pisses down.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL TALKING)

-What they got you doing here? (LAUGHS)
-Painting again.

You gonna fetch two tubs
of flowered wallpaper down here next.

Gaffer wants you to put them up
as soon as you're finished doing that.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'd rather put
wallpaper up than do this job any day.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MEN TALKING)

Have they come yet, then?

What you going on about?

-New outfits coming in.
-What outfits?

Velvet overalls, white helmet,

matching gloves and a dicky bow
for him when he gets here.

Just look part.

Thy'll look like a 30 bob salad for him.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, let's have thee on the paddy.

How we gonna go on
when the Paddy's not here.

How are we gonna get to work?

How thy mean?
They are taking this out.

How can they?

They've got a tub painted white,

and they're looking for a white pit pony
so as that can drive him there.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-That's very good then.

Where's he sitting? Which is his seat?

I'll tell thee, kid.

Right there. That's it.

-That's it, is it?
-Yes, that's it.

Well, it's mine today. I'm in.

(LAUGHING)

I hope you're not
sitting him on these.

Thou wants summat a bit different
than these hard boards.

How about some foam rubbers cushions
covered in red material, huh?

I should hope so.
We can't have him

sitting on old cold and hard
and finishing up with piles.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MAN TALKING ON PHONE)

-Hollocks you said?
-Yeah.

-You pronounce your B's funny.
-(MAN LAUGHING)

It is that, I'm pleased
they don't call me that.

I get called enough names
by the men as it is.

(MAN SPEAKING OVER PHONE)

-Thursday? Next Thursday?
-That's right, yeah.

-What time?
-About 10:30.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

And he's from the palace himself, is he?

Oh, yes, yes.

-Hmm.
-(MAN CONTINUES TALKING)

-Well, so far so good. Touch wood.
-(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Geoff.

I'll fix that up. Yeah, thanks.
Cheerio. Bye.

Just waiting for Geoff.

Hi, there. They're gonna make a good job
of these offices, aren't they?

-Sit down if you like.
-I put me bed and sleep in mine.

-It's better than our house.
-(LAUGHS)

Now, then, I just want to know
how are things progressing.

We wanna be on top
of everything, don't we?

-Yeah.
-Have we any problems?

Any fresh problems anywhere?

No, except there's a lot
of paint getting pinched.

They just unload it from the lorries

and it's standing around
for a long time unattended.

The fellas are just walking past
and lifting it.

Well, that's got to bloody stop.

The minutes that paint
goes off the lorries...

-Yes.
-...I want it under lock and key.

-Yes.
-'Cause I'm not having every bloody

pigeon loft and garden shed
painted at NCB's expense.

-Right.
-Right, on the ground.

Has Sean come with that plaque yet?

They've promised it for this afternoon.

Well, follow that up.

We don't wanna leave jobs
like that till last minute.

-You got your curtains?
-Our curtains are all done.

They've done a good job on them.

They just want putting up.

Oh, aye. Well, listen, this afternoon,

I've got Ron Atkinson
coming down from area.

Now what I propose to do
is the four of us,

we'll have a walk around the yard,

and see if we can spot any little detail

we might have missed
that we can improve on.

(BOTH AGREEING)

Now you see reason for Ron,
he's an outsider.

Now, he might spot
something we've missed.

-Yeah.
-Us being on premises all day, you see.

Now, an emissary's coming up
from the palace next Thursday

to plot and plan everything.

Now, we're not sure
what route he'll take yet,

but we've a rough idea.

Right, now you can get off now.
I'll give you a buzz when Ron comes.

-Right, see you later.
-Okay, yeah, all right, then.

-Hey, what your office like?
-Terrible!

(BOTH SPEAKING)

Is Bob there? Get him on phone.
I want him.

Is that you, Bob? Forbes.
Listen, what's Tom doing?

Aye, well, that can wait, that can.
I want you to get him.

Tell him to give my car
a good wash down

and have it outside my office for 3:00.

Okay?

The approach to the pit
is 100% improvement.

You've made a good job of it.

FORBES: Let's go look at them.

In another few years time
when they're established,

it'll just be like running up
to a stately home, eh.

Aye, I think he'll be proud
when he comes.

Let's hope so.
You've put a lot of work into it.

Yeah.

What do you think to it?

Well, it looks absolutely spot on
as far as I can see, Stan.

Well, don't you notice
anything different?

I can't see anything.

Just a minute. The old stack.
You've had it recontoured.

See, look at it. Just look at that lot.

-Don't it look better.
-Have you had it grassed as well.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go have a look at this.

You can see all the lot.
Right the way through.

It's gonna look a picture, this is.

It's a great improvement, Stan.

FORBES: Oh, when the grass is up
on it. Just like a big green hill.

I bet you can see
grass coming through now.

Yeah, you can. Look there.

Look at that lot.
Look there. Get down.

Look, it's like a green haze here. Look.

-What are they doing?
-Well, I don't know.

Like a team of bloody ostriches
getting ready for a race.

MAN 1: The silly pillocks.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

MAN 2: Shout off. "Off!"

Come on.

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

And look at that.
You see...

Can you see them?
It's all showing up lovely.

Oh, you see this painting
is coming up grand now.

(BOTH TALKING)

MAN 1: Keep off that line.
Keep away.

Why you big daft pillock! Can't you...
Look what you've done!

Keep your foot up!

-Don't put that foot down.
-(SHOUTING)

You know what Forbes said.
Wants this yard cleaning up

for Prince Charles
to eat his dinner off.

-Keep that leg up.
-Don't blame me.

(ALL ARGUING)

Are you two blind?
Are you bloody daft or what?

You young 'uns are all the same.

Look at this,
you knew damn well, didn't ya?

-MAN 2: Who do you think you are?
-I'm painting this bloody line.

That's what I'm doing.
Don't put your foot down!

-All right? (CHUCKLES)
-All right, okay.

You see, I've got painters on.

Now you can see what
it's gonna look like, can't you,

when it's all painted up, eh?

-Eh, it'll be all right, won't it?
-(ALL TALKING)

What the hell's happening here?

Oi! Oi!

MAN: What?

-Both here. Here.
-MAN: Me?

-Both of you. Here.
-MAN: What did we do?

Get your sen here and shut up.

What are you pratting about at?

-Going to the bath.
-We're going up to the baths, Mr Forbes.

I know you're going to the bath.

I know you're going to the bath.

Who does thy think thy are?
Lester Piggott?

He's giving me a lift up...

I can see.
Oh, I can see he's giving you a lift up.

Why are we going like this?

MAN: 'Cause I trod in summat.

I've trod in something many a time,
but nobody gives me a ride.

-What'd you trod in?
-Some paint,

down in the stockyard,
on a white line...

Ah! Because you've been pratting about
again, you two, haven't you?

-(BOTH DENYING)
-I'm not talking to you.

You shut up a minute.
What's he sending you up to do?

-Get that paint off?
-Yeah.

Right. In there, get it off,

get back up there,
and stop bloody pratting about,

get your work done.
Now, get in there. Now go on.

-Piss off, get in there.
-(GRUMBLING)

Bloody little gits!

I'll give you a brick wall,
you little git. Get in there.

Well, now let's try
and get back to reality, eh?

MEN: Yes.

He'll get out over there.

So, where will we be lined up
about here, I should imagine.

-Eh?
-MEN: Yes.

ATKINSON: What about the red carpet?
Are you going to have one down?

That ought to do. What? Do you think?

Not a whole lot of...

Do you know much about it?
What do you think?

It's up to you.
I suppose it's the usual practise.

Well, emissary will be up.
We can ask him what the procedure is.

I think we ought to order a length.
Just in case.

-You think so?
-PHIL: I think we ought to do.

Get your book out a minute.

I'll just pace out and we'll see.
A rough idea, this, that's all.

-PHIL: Right. Okay.
-Right? One, two,

three, four, five, six.

-Seven.
-Seven yards?

Make it seven yards.
I'll tell you what, make it 10.

Ten yards, we'll want.

-Ten yards.
-Yeah.

Ten yards of what?

Stair carpet! Maroon stair carpet.

PHIL: Maroon stair carpet.

If you're in doubt, look,
best plan, get Sheila.

Tell her to see to it. She'll know
what to do in a job like this.

-All right?
-GEOFF: Hey, I know!

Why don't we put a roll of belting
down, eh? It won't cost us a penny.

Don't you think I've just had enough
with them two, without you starting?

"Put a roll of belting down."

Well, I don't think we should
go to any extra expenditure, do we?

We don't wanna antagonise the men.

Why should it do that?

There's 99% of the men
wanting this visit.

GEOFF: Yeah, but not all
will welcome him, will they?

We've just got a few of the nutters.

But all the rest want this visit.
They're proud he's coming to the pit.

We don't wanna spoil it, do we?

A bit of bloody carpeting,

-get it ordered. Come on.
-I'll see Sheila.

-Shall I take your hats in?
-Yeah.

(MURMURING)

FORBES: Sheila!

Tea for four of us
in five minutes, please.

What do you think of it, son?

ATKINSON: It's very nice. Very nice.

Bit like a...

-Morning, lads. How's it going?
-All right.

FORBES: All right, lads.

Well, we thought
we'd keep it this colour.

I had a word with Mrs Forbes.

-She said no fancy colours, you know.
-Mmm-hmm.

-Looks nice and clean.
-How's it going?

Oh, going smashing.

-I keep these lads happy.
-They're pleased for the overtime.

-Overtime, yeah? (CHUCKLING)
-Yeah.

GEOFF: Keep 'em coming.

That's my office. It's all right, innit?

Yeah, very nice. Yeah.

Watch your coat on this door.

I caught it this morning...
Paint all inside.

Easy done, innit?

Oh, bloody hell, no!
Look here.

When we get to the pithead,
I want to make him a presentation.

What sort of presentation?

I got him a deputy's yardstick made.

I got it polished up
by one of the engineers,

and capped with silver.

Very nice.

Is this real silver?

-Of course it is.
-(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Look, there's the maker's initials.

-Yeah.
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Tea is ready, Mr Forbes.

FORBES: Bring it in, Sheila, please.

ATKINSON: It's worth a bob
or two, you know.

FORBES: Yes, I know, but it seemed
like a nice little memento,

and I think the lad
will appreciate it, don't you?

ATKINSON: He will, indeed.

Sugar, Mr Atkinson?

ATKINSON: Just one, please.

FORBES: I also had this
made up for him, look.

To go along with the stick.

(UNWRAPPING PAPER)

This is an album

of photographs,
old photographs of royalty

visiting the pits in the area,
years ago.

Make an album up.

-It would make a nice...
-ATKINSON: Good collection, innit?

FORBES: Yeah, well,
it'll make a nice reading for him.

FORBES: He can have an hour or two
at sea looking at this.

-Thinking about us.
-(CHUCKLES)

(ALL CHUCKLING)

-That's...
-FORBES: That's Queen Mary, that.

Very nice, very nice.

Was it during the 1912 visit

that there was a big disaster
in the nearby pit?

Cadeby Main, wasn't it?

Yeah, on the same day.

While they were at Silverwood
they were an explosion at Cadeby,

and 86 men and lads killed.
I've got it here somewhere.

I was gonna include it in the album.

But I had second thoughts, because when
you read, you'll understand why.

"The happy revelling
was muddied by terrible rumours

"at a pit tragedy at Cadeby Main

"where 86 men and boys were killed.

"In the evening, the King and Queen
arrived unexpected at Cadeby Main

"to express their sympathy
to the bereaved wives and families.

"Then they returned to Wentworth House,

"where they were staying
with the Fitzwilliam family."

Bad luck, that.

-What?
-That disaster.

Happening on the same day
as their visit.

Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, definitely that were.

(PAINTER 1 HUMMING)

(PAINTER 2 WHISTLING)

PAINTER 2: Steady, you daft, dirty sod.

They were clean on this morning,
I've paint all over me.

PAINTER 1: Action painting.

-PAINTER 2: What is that?
-Action painting.

-PAINTER 2: What action painting?
-Haven't you seen it on telly?

No.

Well, they get little brushes like this,
and they splat it on like that.

Then they get motorbikes
and ride them across,

and then they roll nude women across.

-Nude women?
-Yeah.

I'll like to roll
Sharon Marshall across it.

-Ha!
-Would be nice, wouldn't it?

Did you see her dancing last night?

Aye, it weren't bad, was it?

Tits bouncing, they were like
two bloody bairns playing in the bed.

What are you messing about at now?

PAINTER 2: Oh, we're just painting
the wall like they told us to do.

And what's that supposed to be?

Modern art that, Bob.

Brighten the place up a bit
for when Prince Charles comes.

I'll brighten your arse up in a minute.

Clean up all that art.
Now, get that covered up,

and get some paint on here,

and try and do it properly.

This is the bloody National Coal Board,
not the National Art Gallery.

PAINTERS: All right, Bob.

PAINTER 2: He's a right philistine.
He's talking a load of balls.

BOB: What did you say there?

I said we're gonna need
a lot of turpentine

to get this paint off us overalls.

Oh.

(BOTH SNICKERING)

Have it done quick,
'cause he might go up there.

-And tell...to take a look...
-Geoff!

-...in about half an hour, all right?
-Okay, yeah.

Geoff Carter, my under-manager.

-How do you do?
-Pleased to meet you.

The committee from the palace,
and, of course, you know him.

-Hello, Geoff.
-All right.

Well, gentlemen, we have a very tight
schedule on this visit.

There are a lot
of engagements to fulfil.

So, it's essential that every section
of the programme

should be timed to the minute.

Now the helicopter will land
at 10:30 precisely.

What?

Wait... Helicopter?

Yes, is there anything wrong?

No, you've just taken us
by surprise, that's all.

We'd naturally thought
he'd be travelling by car.

(CHUCKLING) No,
we nearly always use a helicopter

for these "meet the people" tours.

You see, you get the maximum number
of visits in a given area,

and it minimises the travelling time.

FORBES: Well, yeah.

GEOFF: Now that I think about it.

Now, where to you suggest
we have the landing pad?

Well, now you've mentioned it,
Sir Gordon,

I think we best have a look down there,
'cause I think we have an ideal spot.

SIR GORDON: Yes,
that looks very possible.

FORBES: Well, we've no tall buildings,

and you're well clear of the head gears.
And there's no wires.

GEOFF: What about the markings?
Will it have to be marked out?

SIR GORDON: Yes.

You need to have a large, white "H"

-painted on the ground...
-Yes.

...which is perfectly easy for the pilot
to pick up when he comes in to land.

FORBES: The pilot?

Well, I thought he took
the controls himself.

(CHUCKLING) He does sometimes,
on more leisurely occasions.

Now, immediately after touchdown,

you'll have the introduction
of the Coal Board personnel,

-officials of the mining union...
-FORBES: Yeah.

-...and associations.
-FORBES: Yeah.

And that, I presume,
will take place there,

because the next port of call
will be the offices.

Yeah, yeah, that's the idea of it, yeah.

Now, I wonder if somebody could make
a note of all this, could they?

Do you mind? Thank you very much.

Right. Put 10:30 touchdown.

-Oh, and um...
-10:30 touchdown?

SIR GORDON: That's right. Now, we find
the only satisfactory way of doing this

is to do a real walk-through,
a proper rehearsal.

-(ALL AGREEING)
-SIR GORDON: Right.

A 10:30 touchdown.

You got that, Phil?

Now, Mr Forbes,

you will walk forward,
and be presented here.

And then you will proceed
with His Royal Highness

to the official party.

And 10:32,
introduction of the official party.

And how many men have you got
actually in the line-up, Mr Forbes?

Well, I really couldn't
tell you, Sir Gordon.

But I've got them all inside.

-Now, shall I bring them out?
-If you would, please.

-Yes, please.
-Would it help?

-It would make it much more accurate.
-Right.

Do you find everything is going
according to plan for you?

Yes, it's going very well I think, yes.

I wonder if, you'd pardon me
for saying this, Sir,

but you do very much remind me of
the Duke of Edinburgh.

-Really?
-Do you mind me saying so?

Well, I think...
I don't think he'd be very pleased,

'cause he's very much younger than I am.

Oh, you very much resemble him
in many which ways.

We've just been saying so,
my colleague and I down there.

We've been saying that we think you
very much resemble him, very much so.

Well, don't say a word, but I think
I'm a little taller than he is.

Is it a fact, is it?

-I'll tell you one thing, Phil.
-What's that, Geoff?

It's a bloody good job
this pit's not near a canal.

Why not?

Well, he'd want to come
in his cruiser, wouldn't he?

Think of the bloody job
we'd have on widening that.

(CHUCKLING)

Good to meet you, though.

Do you find you have to stamp down
on people sometimes?

You know, that's not my job.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Hey up, what's this here?

I don't know. Must have something to do
with yon visit that they're on about.

Who's that bloke
with the grey hair and suit?

-Must be important, anyway?
-Yeah, it's obvious.

And this gentleman here,

this is Walter Hardy.

He's one of our longest
serving employees.

He started working the mines at 13.

He's due for retirement next month,
after 41 years of loyal service.

Loyal service?
I had no other bloody choice.

Walter, you've been already told twice,

you don't speak unless
His Royal Highness speaks to you first.

Sorry about that, Sir Gordon.

All you have to do is to bow slightly,
and shake hands.

And wait for Prince Charles to hold out
his hand, before you take it.

-Do you understand?
-Yes.

And should His Royal Highness speak
to you, you will address him as "Sir".

FORBES: And I hope
when the day comes, Walter,

you're going to have your teeth in.

Well, I want a new set.
These are loose.

I sound like a bloody trotting pony
when I've got the buggers in.

Walter.

I know the Prince is a nautical man,
and how he knows all the words.

But he's gonna hear none from you
or anyone else on that day.

-So, remember that, will you?
-Yes, sir.

Right.

And this is Michael Barton,
one of our youngest apprentices.

He's a real good lad.
He's coming on real well.

But there's one thing
I'd like to tell him.

Do us a favour, Michael,

and get your hair cut
for the day, please, will ya?

Had it cut yesterday.

-When?
-Yesterday.

Turn around, lad.

Well, the only thing I can say,

he's robbed you.

(MAN WHISTLING)

Hello! What are you doing?

Marking a 5-a-side pitch out
or something?

I wish I was.

What is it, then?

Big...

For the helicopter. He's coming
by helicopter. Didn't you know?

-Helicopter?
-I didn't know that.

Manager didn't know either.
There's been a right flap on.

He's had me hosing it all down.

Brushing it.

Been having blueys all day. (CHUCKLING)

Been in and out of the office,
seeing if I were doing it right.

-Oh, yeah?
-Oh.

By the look of it, I thought it were

a 5-a-side pitch or summat.

Using this rope to keep crowds off.

BOB: Hey!

-What the hell are you doing there?
-Humpty Dumpty here.

Weren't you two supposed to be working?

PAINTER 1: I'm just coming down
from the fitting shop.

We off up to the stockyard now.

Well, before you go,
I've got a little job for you.

But I better go and make it right
with Harry first.

PAINTER 2: What do you
want us to do then?

Well, I'll tell you
what I want you to do.

There's two tubs behind the office.

I want you to bring them
around the front,

and stand one, either side of the door.

Then go to the stores
and get a wheelbarrow.

I want you to fill them up with soil.

Pit tubs filled up with soil?

Flower tubs, you dozy bugger you.

Oh, are there some flowers there then?

Would look great with two pit tubs

standing in front of the office,
wouldn't it?

Mr Forbes wants them brought around

because he wants some flowers

and some decoration
at the front of the office.

Okay, you two, get away
and get that done now.

Go on, do it, hurry.

And you can get back
on painting them lines,

and keep them straight.

-Okay?
-What? Circle as well?

Never mind, get on with the lines
and try and get a bit of work done.

(SIGHS)

He got that drunk in that beer tent

they had to take him home
in the pit ambulance.

Can you imagine our Edna's face
when he rolled up outside in that?

She thought something serious
had happened to him.

So they open the back doors,

and he rolls out singing and shouting.

She kicked him from arsehole to
breakfast time right across the road.

Upstairs to bed.

Got a right temper in her,
once she gets going.

She won't let him
out of the house for a week.

Aye, but I may know the reason there.

He kept her waiting over an hour,
he promised to take her down pit.

She didn't miss nothing, now did she?

(MAN SPEAKING)

It's ours.

Excuse me, but he's got his name down.

MAN: No, no, Sid.

Waste of time for me them open days.

It's all dressing the bloody pit up.

But folks that's lived in villages...

It's better having an open day
and folks from the district

coming than what we're having.

Somebody who's got
nothing to do with the pit.

I mean, that's a bloody waste of time
and money, that is, innit?

I wouldn't say that,
because it does got...

If tha's somebody important
coming to the pit like we've got.

I mean, it's bloody royalty, innit?

Thou's got to dress it up a bit.

Can you imagine, if thee had got
somebody coming to your house,

what were important to thee,

you'd put a bit of a show on for 'em
wouldn't you?

I'm not talking about putting a bit of a
show on, I'm talking about spending

thousands of pounds
of the public's money on a visit

that's going to last
no more than two hours.

I thought there was supposed to be
a crisis on,

telling us we're supposed to be
tightening us belts.

How does he expect people
to take any notice of that,

when they see this all lot going up?

Mind you, I think people like him.

A bit of pomp and ceremony,
I think it brightens life up a bit.

Like the other day, he was on,

Chancellor of the Exchequer,
at one of these banquets.

He stood there with a bloody white
jacket on and dicky bow...

I'm not kidding.
He's telling us what a state we're in

and he'd finished a meal that'd cost
more than some blokes earn in a week.

I mean, there was
that much grub on that table,

we'd have hydraulic chocks
to hold the bugger up.

He must think we are barmy then.

You know as well as I do,

that the money
ain't just spent for the visit.

SID: What, just a coincidence,
is it then,

that they decided to do our pit
just when he was coming?

I don't know how they decided
but I do know the money is there.

All they're doing is
accelerating the spending of it.

-That's your...
-SID: No, you're bloody stupid.

-I reckon it's a good thing.
-Ah, he's right there Sid.

Thee figured it out for thee sen.

That pit's been
in a hell of a bloody state for years.

And I know we've gone...
It has gone long to me...

That's not the point, Ronnie.

Look if all this fuss is worth making,
it's worth making for us, innit?

It's us who work and live here

and we have to see this bloody place
every day, don't we.

MAN 1: I agree with Sid.

What's the bloody royalty
ever done for us?

They're only bloody parasites.

Thee shut thy bloody face.

Thee shut thy bloody face
or I'll take thee outside.

Worked here 4 3 year but they never
painted the bugger for me.

Ah, come on, what are we doing,
are we playing snooker?

MAN 2: Don't talk wet.

I am not talking wet, there's an honour
for this pit to be chosen,

and most of the men think so as well.

Honour my arse. I'll tell you
why they chose our pit, shall I?

MAN 2: Oh, get lost.

Shall I tell you why
they chose our pit?

MAN 3: Go on then.
MAN 2: Go on then, clever bugger.

Because they knew that
the branch officials are soft as shit.

And that they won't oppose it.

Why should we oppose it?
The men agreed to it, didn't they?

SID: They never said a dicky-bird.
They just passed it.

They could have said something if they
wanted to. Everybody knew about it.

Look, any branch official
worth their salt

would have rejected that proposal

and then come and told us about it
and see what we think about it.

Can you imagine a visit lined up
at Langley?

They're bloody communists there,
that's why.

-Who are?
-Tommy and Sam, everybody knows that.

They wouldn't call them that
to their faces, would they?

All right then,
they might not be party members.

-But you know what I mean.
-Aye, I know just what that means.

That means trouble makers, don't they?

And that's a term they use
just to discredit anybody

who's not walking
hand in glove with management.

They not even bloody members at
Labour Party, never mind communists.

half of that lot, they're just branch
officials who put interest of men first.

And that's what
they're elected for, innit?

That's their job. And anybody who
don't do that should be out on his arse.

Come on, we're not going to waste
this time talking to him about...

Yeah, we got to stop
sucking up to these buggers,

'cause we insult us sens when we do,
we do us sens down.

-You're an extremist, you, Sid.
-Look they don't fool me,

riding around
in their bleeding Rolls-Royces,

waving and shaking hands with folks.

There's never been a King or Queen yet
who's done one thing

for the working population
in this country.

They're reactionaries.
Tories to a man.

I know that. They have no power now.

All they are, are bloody figureheads,
that's all.

I know that, but they are figureheads
of a society that's based on class

and inherited wealth and privilege.

And we didn't bring a government down,

a Tory government down
in '72 and '74 like we did,

just to have one of the buggers
parading up and down the pit yard

and everybody bowing
and scraping to him.

Are they that thick,
that they can't see that this is right?

Look, brother, why don't you
put yourself up for the union?

You know, just don't rattle
at the bloody sidelines.

Any silly bugger can do that.

I might just do, son,
and if I do it'll be...

I've got a table for

a game, not for a week. Come on.

Come on, it's thy shot now.

It's thy shot, come on.

Don't rip that table
else we shall be in trouble.

Bloody hell!

Oh, my God, look at this lot.

-We're going to need a...
-Bleeding hell.

That's all we needed.

We're not going in this, are we?

We'll get pissing wet through
after we've gone 10 yards.

Where are we going to find
two types of every animal

known to man
at this time of the evening?

-(LAUGHING)
-Ah...

We can't stand here all afternoon,
can we?

We couldn't get my umbrella...

(LAUGHING)

Only get two of youse
under that anyway.

Oh, buggers this. I'm going home.

-Oh, you're barmy, man.
-And bloody know it.

Fetch us a coat back
when thou gets home.

(LAUGHS)

Where's Harry gone?

He'll not get no more,
they've just shut.

Look at this silly fellow.
What's he got here?

(LAUGHS) I'll show them.

There, we're not going home
under that bugger are we?

-What?
-Stick end in the belly button and all.

Does Wilf know you've got it?

Aye, told him
I'd bring it back tomorrow. Come on.

All aboard.

(LAUGHS)

You all right?

Get in, thy's all right.

Right, come on.

-I've just been to hairdressers.
-Were they shut!

(LAUGHS)

Made a right balls-up of your hair,
haven't they?

Hey up, hey up.

Move over here.

SID: Come on, come on.

Come on, we're having a gang bang!

I don't know what he's balloting
umbrella for...

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I've brought today's mail.

Is everything all right, Mr Forbes?

Have you seen it, Sheila?

Seen what?

The stack.

Ruined.

Bloody ruined.

The grass, the seed, the lot,
all washed away.

Oh, what a shame.

In about another week it would have been
strong enough to stand all this.

It's all this rain,
this morning when we got up.

The conservatory
was like a swimming pool,

it had come through the roof.

Oh, I know,
it would look like a big green hill,

especially from a helicopter.

You know, he'd have thought
he'd been landing in Peak District

instead of pit yard.

Oh, it's a shame.

MAN 1: Thy looks knackered.

Hello.

MAN 2: Hey up, Alan.

MAN 3: What?

MAN 2: Go see what time it is, kid.

(MAN 3 SPEAKING)

Come on, let's keep looking.

Nearly half past five.

I'm stopping now. It's bloody snap time.

Half past five.

That's me done.

Every day this week.

Bread and jam, bread and jam.

Ah, some good job...

Bread and jam again?

Time to get a new chef.
(LAUGHING)

I went up to Legion yesterday.

-To see about that taps they owe me.
-All right, lads.

(MEN SPEAK)

Linda sorted me.

Which Linda is that?

Big Linda.

Bristols Linda!

They made some pamphlets
for when Charlie comes.

Little coloured booklets.

See let me have a look at it.

So, shall we have a look
at what Linda did?

If Linda let me have a look
at what she's got, old boy,

thy'd only tip thy cap at it
and thy'd run a mile.

They haven't made a bad job of them.

SID: What's it about?

It's about history of pit
and how they make coal.

Coloured pictures and that

and men working.

SID: I bet they didn't put
a picture of that in it.

(LAUGHING)

Ronnie having a piss.

(LAUGHS)

Hey.

How we gonna go on if he wants to go
when he's down here?

Somebody will have to tell him
to hold it.

You know who'll get
a plum job like that? Who?

That'll be Forbes.
They're holding it for him.

(LAUGHS)

Tell you summat, though.

They've done everything but that.

They'd have put in toilets down here
in case they needed it.

Barmy, how can they flush lavs
down a pit?

Who's talking about flush lavs?

I'm talking about them chemical jobs...

Had 'em on Lancaster Bombers during
the war when they were bombing Germany.

They have 'em at showgrounds now.
If they get one in for him,

it'll have to go on top
of the winding gear.

Right.

They tell me he's the highest "Peer"
in the realm!

(LAUGHING)

He must think
we're on a Barnsley bloody bus.

-Good morning.
-Anyway...

Try and get a couple
of strips off today. All right.

Fair enough. All right, all right, lad.

All right? Are you busy?

Might be a bit too far...

Anyway,

tell him I want paddy dropping
down about a yard.

-About a yard at the moment.
-Forward about a yard?

-Tommy...
-Eddie...

Cars are here, are you there?

(MAN SPEAKING ON PA)

Listen, what we're going to do is,
we're going to manoeuvre

paddy train up and down a bit,
to try and find the ideal spot for him

to get off
so he can go straight down face.

So we're not working
on controls or signals,

we're going to work on the Tannoy
on my instructions, right?

MAN: Right.

Okay, now what we're going to do...

I want you to come down about a yard.

Come forward about a yard, you got it?

-Whoa! Whoa!
-Whoa, John, whoa, whoa.

Is that too much?

It's the best yard I've ever seen.

A yard at the back of the train length
would be all right.

Get me back now, pull me back.

-Bring it back now...
-Want bleedin' elastic.

Bring it back and steady it.

Hold it there.

-Where?
-Stop!

Oh! Whoa, Tom!

Whoa, Tommy.

Stop pissing about, come on.

We're going to be here
all bloody day...

-Pillock.
-Bring it forward.

Tell him to drop down steady
and stop when I tell him.

Drop down, steady and you have to stop
when I give you instructions,

otherwise we're going to be here
all bloody day.

-Whoa!
-Whoa! Whoa, Tom.

Bloody marvellous, innit?

Shall I go up there?

Stop. Stop.

Stop there, and tell that daft twat
to take it steady this time.

I'll tell you something, you're not on
that bloody job on the day

I'll get you in the bloody shithouse,
cleaning it.

(MAN ON PA SPEAKING)

Pull it back a bit, come on,
we've got to get this marked.

-Steady.
-Steady, at that, come on.

Where abouts?

-Now!
-Okay, hold it at that.

-Much better.
-Thank you.

It wasn't that bloody hard, was it?

Eddie, put it down there.

Whoa!

(GRUMBLING)

-He's... Is he...
-What can you say about it?

He's not going to do it
on the day, now is he?

You tell him again now,
to pull that steady.

Tell him that this is his last chance.

Can you pull it back steady, Tom?

You've been going up and down here
like I don't know what.

Come on, pull it back.

Scargill wants 100 pound a week
for this bloody twat.

You'll not be on that bloody job on the
day, I'll tell you, I'll see to that.

-Whoa, whoa.
-Whoa, now.

-There. That's it.
-Is that it?

-Whoa, now hold it there.
-Thank you, thank you.

He's done a good job.

-Thank you.
-Eddie.

-Yeah.
-Put a cross up there.

-You got paint, haven't you?
-Yeah, it's here.

He'll be sat here.

Sat here... and get out here.
Just about right.

Can you make it?

I just want thee to do
summat daft and all.

Ah, of course I'm going to be right...

There, a bit of distemper in here.

Look at this... Eddie!

Get... Come on.

Get down. That'll do. Come on.

I say, bloody, get out of the road.

...Look here.

Of course I'll get a new pair.

Anyway, get cleaned up, I'm going.

-Come on, let's get up here.
-Goodbye.

What was all that about?

-You see that?
-Yeah.

Well, we gotta stop here.

(LAUGHS) Get away.

Ah, because, you know, on the big day,
when the official party comes down,

well, this is where they get off.

That... That cross there,

dead opposite this here.

So that when he gets off

he can walk straight down to the face.

(LAUGHING) You're pulling my leg.

-It's true.
-No.

-It's true.
-No.

I won't be surprised if you lot

put some steps here
for him to step down off.

Oh, no, no.

And I've also heard that
they've sent a letter from the palace

saying that he don't want
no special privileges.

(LAUGHING) Shut up.

He's a big heart...

(BOTH SPEAKING)

What we got here?

This is all right, innit?

Wait, it's not right.
It's not right yet.

-What is it?
-It's a plaque.

-Is this what?
-What's it say on there?

Tell me what it says on there.

Open it, let's have a look.

Get it open.

It'll be a Coal Board job
if it's not working.

Oh, there it is.

-(APPLAUSE)
-Beautiful! Beautiful!

Beautiful, what is it? This what?

"This plaque commemorates the visit of
His Royal Highness, The Prince of Wales

"to Milton Colliery, 14th of June, 1976."

Beautiful, beautiful.

Now, what you lot up to here?

Waiting for a Punch and Judy
show to start.

Punch and Judy?

I'll give you Punch and Judy.

Now listen here, all you fellas.

I'm hoping that you've all read
them notices in the pit baths.

-What notices?
-Every one on here, about swearing.

-We don't swear.
-Swearing?

Now, you know we have
a royal visit coming up

and that's what it's been put up for.

(SID LAUGHING)

What about flipping and bum,

are they swearing?

You know that don't you?

Now I don't want nobody coming out
with your foul mouth of language.

MAN: Oh!

Well, you can depend on us,

because we won't want him
to go home thinking that

anybody swore down here, would we?

Now we know
there's no flipping and bums.

We don't want no effing and blinding.

(MAN SPEAKING)

There's always one.

MAN: But I do believe
I hear the cage approaching.

Shall we depart?

Yes, I must go home
to my house now.

Yes, run along, don't stop
a minute longer than your time.

SID: We're all playing polo tonight.

Oh, go on!
Bugger off, get off, all of you.

-SID: No swearing.
-Sling your bloody hooks!

Don't be late tomorrow.

EDDIE WARING ON TV: If you don't
know where that is, it's in Yorkshire.

Go out there,

(EDDIE WARING AND STUART HALL
SPEAKING ON TV)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING,
IT'S A KNOCKOUTTHEME TUNE PLAYING)

Come on, let's have thee in bed now.

No, Dad.

Get off to your bed, if you're
not in bed when your mum comes home

I shall cop it.

There's some kids in our class
who go to bed by 10:00.

Some kids in your class
tells lies and all, innit?

Come on, turn the telly off.

It was good, that.

Dad?

What?

I don't want to go to the pit tomorrow.
I want to go fishing instead.

-Well, what does your mum say about it?
-I don't know, I've not asked her.

Well, they've given a day off for
the visit and all, not to go fishing.

They haven't, not really.

Just gave us day off
because royalty were coming.

Well, you are expected to go,
ain't thee?

No, not really.

-Stacks of kids are not going.
-Look, I don't want all your school

stood outside them pit gates cheering

and thee walking in
the opposite direction

with a rod on thy back,
going to reservoir.

It ain't all the kids.

Them that are there,
the little la-di-das that will be there.

All the rest of them are either
going and playing football,

ice skating...
I think that's what Phil...

Phil, um... What they call him?

Fletcher and Jason,
they're going ice skating.

-And I want to go fishing.
-You're not kidding?

'Cause I know thee always start
stammering when they're having me on.

I'm not. Honest.
Cross me heart and hope to die.

If thou's kidding me,
I'll tan your arse.

I'm not.

I'll see what your mum says, anyway,
when she comes in.

No, don't.

Why not?

Because she'll make me go with her
and our Janet.

No, she'll not.

Not if what tha's saying is right,
she won't.

It is right.

Well, you're old enough
to make your own mind up about it.

Anyway, come on,
let's have you off to bed now,

or else you'll be too tired
to go out in the morning.

By the way, why haven't you all
got the day off tomorrow?

Somebody's got to run the pit,
haven't they?

If we had the day off,
they'd be nobody there.

That's the whole idea
of the visit, innit?

So he gets an idea of what goes on.

Thy think it's daft this, don't you?
This visit.

-Well, I'm not too keen on it.
-Yeah, I know.

Why aren't you so keen on it?

I don't see what all this fuss
is about, that's all.

-But he's important, ain't he?
-(LAUGHS)

Ah, he's important, all right.

What are you laughing at?

There's nothing funny there.

It's like this, you see.
Now, thou goes down to that reservoir,

thou goes fishing there.

I mean, some days, they'll sit there
all day and never catch a thing.

Let's say,

he wants to go fishing,
and says tomorrow,

"I fancy a bit of fishing
while I'm at it."

They'd stock that reservoir up,
wouldn't they.

There'd be perch, and tench and roach,
there'd be all sorts in it.

Well, I don't think that's right, see.

Them fish are in there
for them people who fish there regular.

They're the people
who've got to right to them.

Do you see what I'm trying to get at?

Oh, well. I'll be off then.
Goodnight.

-What's comics for?
-Put by my bed for tomorrow

I'll be up in five minutes to check,
that light better be off.

Yeah.

And don't forget
to clean your teeth either.

-No, I won't. Goodnight, see ya.
-Bye.

Forbes, manager.

What? How long has that bloody lot
been up there?

Oh, some vandals put it on
during the night, I should imagine.

-Some vandals? Some pillock, you mean.
-MRS FORBES: Now, don't get irritated.

I'll get irritated.

Oh, you'll have some trouble
getting that off.

It'll have to be painted over then,
that's all.

Mmm-hmm.

That's probably the best thing
to do, I should imagine.

-Yeah, will do.
-Time you've got.

And we'll paint that one that's done it,
when I get on to him.

Aye, I hope so, Captain...

(ENGINE ROARS)

Bring Mrs Forbes to my office
and put the car away, will you.

Is this all right, Mr Forbes?

Carry on, love, carry on.
You're all right.

Hello?

Come on. Get me Bob Richards,
and hurry up.

-Hello? Bob Richards.
-Bob, it's Forbes here.

Have you seen
that lot up there about Scargill?

Yeah, yeah.

Now are we going to be all right
here or are we going to be the bloody...

Get it cleaned up or we're going to be
the bloody laughing stock

of the bloody pit, we are.

Get somebody up there
and get it painted over.

I'll tell you... No, better still,
go up with him yourself.

Make sure he does it, then check around.

Because if I find
that thick-headed twat what's done that,

I'll string that bastard up
by his knackers from the headgear.

-Okay, sir. Okay, will do.
-Get on it, Bob.

Bastard.

Got to be done today.

This morning.

And it's got to be finished.

PAINTER 1: Hey, it's great!

-Look at that.
-BOB: Bloody terrible.

PAINTER 2: Nah,
we'd be all right leaving up.

BOB: No, I'll tell you what I want,
I want the whole wall painted.

-Whole wall?
-Yeah, I won't give you more.

What's that?

MAN: That, sir, is somebody's snap bag.

What do you think?

We'd better check it.

Whose is it?

I don't know.
I can find out, if you like.

If you would like.

Geoff, come here, I want you.

Whose is this snap bag here?

That's Dick Hemsley's, why?

Do you want us to get him?

-If you would, please.
-Where's he working?

-He's working in this shop over here.
-Go get him then, bring him here.

-All right.
-And tell him to be quick.

It's a funny place to leave a snap bag,
all the same.

I mean, he's a bit of a funny sight,
wait till you see him.

-Dick, is this your snap bag here?
-Yeah, why?

Well, these two gentlemen are from
bomb squad and they're just checking

to make sure they're no bombs being
planted round about the visit, you know.

Yeah, well, I always leave it there.

-You always leave it there?
-Yeah.

Would you open it up, please?

What for?

Well, we'd like to check the contents,
if you don't mind.

Oh, I'll tell you what the contents
are in before I open it.

No, you best do as he says, Dick,

'cause they can't take any chances,
you know, in their game.

-All right, yeah.
-Go on, open it up then.

All right, yeah.

One flask.

One paper.

One snap tin.

With jam in it.

Satisfied?

MAN 1: Yes, thanks very much.
You can put them all away now.

-Sorry to have troubled you.
-No, it's all right, no bother.

Here.

I'm going to shift this brick
from here, Tom.

What for?

Well it's a bloody eyesore
stuck there, isn't it?

Well, it's been an eyesore
for the last 18 months then.

And no one's complained till now.

Listen, I haven't got time to argue,
you know exactly what I mean.

Now, get it shifted, will you?

The only way that brick's gonna get
shifted, is if you get that joiner down,

and get that sash mended
and it'll stay up on its own.

It gets like a bloody oven in here.

-We're sweating like pigs as it is.
-There's no air in this place at all.

He won't move it.

Well, we haven't got time
to fetch the joiner down, have we?

Well, it's stopping then.

I'll fetch manager down, should I?

You can bring anybody you like down.

If that brick goes,
we're straight out through that door.

Well, we can always
fetch somebody in this morning.

-What?
-You must be joking.

How did you know
what kind of soap to get?

I picked that one which says
by appointment, look.

-Oh, yeah.
-The shampoo is as well.

Can you see, at the bottom.

Oh, yeah, by appointment
to Her Majesty the Queen.

Soap manufacturers.

I never thought of that.
Think he'll want to wash his hair then.

Oh, I should think so,
when he's been down to the pit.

-Best go get his boots ready.
-Yeah.

-Takes same size as our Derek.
-Let me see.

Yeah. Oh.

-Oh, ain't he got big feet!
-Yeah, our Derek has.

Yeah, I'll be doing this one.

Hey, you know what they say
about men with big feet.

-No, what? What do they say?
-(LAUGHS)

-Tell us, come on.
-No.

There's a big, fat Geordie tells me
there's a brick around here.

Is it right?

Brick?

-Why, what are you going to do with it?
-Paint it.

(LAUGHS)

-Paint the brick?
-Yeah.

Whose idea is that?

-Bob.
-Bob? Oh, how daft can you get?

You're not fixing up me back, are you?

That's the brick, there.
That's the one we've got round.

-He's going around the bend. He must be.
-He's painting it and all.

You're not painting it, are you?

Does Forbes know about this?

Aye, Forbes...
I'm under Forbes' direct instructions.

(TALKING)

(LAUGHING)

WOMAN: You're kidding aren't you?

Just on the left.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

I want you to keep in a line,
we'll cross back over the road

and we'll go over here, all right?

Lead on.

Be careful, hurry up now.

(CHILDREN TALKING)

Come on, Angela.

OFFICER: Past that lamp on the right.

Hey, you two, come on.

-No running, all right?
-BOY: Yeah.

(CROWD TALKING)

(BOYS TALKING)

TEACHER: Quiet. Quiet listen.

-I'll give you a flag each, right?
-Yeah.

Now, I don't want you messing
or waving about with them. All right?

So when I give the signal,
that will be the time to wave.

Hey up, you on Candid Camera then?

Yeah. Never mind Candid Camera.

-Phil. Phil, Phil.
-Yes.

Come on, we're pushed for time,
get the lads lined up.

Yeah, he won't be long. Come on.

Come on boys. Get in line.

Same as you were the other day. Quickly.

Come on, we're pushing it a bit now.

(MEN SPEAKING)

I think we have plenty of time.

I think he should be here anytime now.

Oh, I hope so.
It's about time now.

There he is.

(CHILDREN CHEER)

Yeah, that's it, yeah.

-Yeah, that's it.
-That's a bird.

-No, that's the thing.
-Oh, right.

Get yourselves straightened up.

(CHEERING)

Here, quick, give that comb back.
Straighten yourself up.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.