Play for Today (1970–1984): Season 7, Episode 1 - Bar Mitzvah Boy - full transcript
On the eve of his Bar Mitzvah, young Elliot finds that all the grown men in his life are somewhat wanting.
[light, brassy music]
[birds calling]
You lying bugger. You did!
-Ignore her.
-I am.
Maintain aloof silence.
He did, though, Squidge! Somebody did.
For your information,
I don't split on people in Geography.
I didn't know you had
any book under the desk,
let alone that one.
Well, somebody did.
Are we going swimming tomorrow, then?
-Tomorrow?
-Bloody tomorrow.
You know what tomorrow is, don't you?
Saturday.
Only the day that marks
my passage, isn't it?
-The what?
-Ah, hell, I forgot.
-What is it? What passage?
-Well, are you scared?
I was scared rigid at mine.
I made 16 mistakes in the Hebrew bit.
16 at least! Probably 25 or something.
And I forgot half my speech for reception.
Three quarters, nearly.
I missed out mentioning my
Uncle Gus and Auntie Merl,
my cousins from America.
I missed out everybody. I was deadly.
-See you Sunday, though.
-If you survive, mate.
[boys speaking foreign language]
[Girl] What's he mean, marks his passage?
Is it rude?
[Squidge] Something Jewish,
what Jewish boys do.
-You wouldn't understand.
-Sounds rude.
It's only me!
-[door clicking shut]
-[bag clattering]
[boy speaking foreign language]
[bottles clinking]
[fridge door slamming]
[boy speaking foreign language]
Anyone at home?
[boy speaking French]
[boy speaking foreign language]
Oh, whatever it is,
[speaking foreign language].
Naked women.
[boy speaking foreign language]
[boy speaking foreign language]
[telephone ringing]
-[door clicking shut]
-Eliot, are you in?
[Eliot] No!
-I've got my hands full.
-[telephone ringing]
Don't answer the phone, will you?
[Eliot] No.
[Lesley] Hello, Billiesmart
Circus, Lesley Green speaking.
Hello, Mum. So anyway, where are you?
-Well, where?
-Where?
That's an interesting question.
Is there any chance of an answer?
I'm still at Sylvia's.
Where else would I be?
-I'm not a magician!
-She's not a magician.
Listen, Mrs Mickler was
before me, and she was late.
What could I do?
With her abdomen and
suspected conjunctivitis,
I'm gonna fall out with the woman?
Listen, did you get the dry cleaning?
You know they're all lunatics in there.
They should have a sign outside.
"Lunatic Dry Cleaning Ltd."
-Did you get the cleaning?
-Yes.
Dad's suit won't be ready 'til Monday.
-Oh my god.
-Bad news. I hope I'm wrong.
-Then, they can't find it.
-But he needs it tomorrow.
Then, it must be at another branch.
-So you haven't got it?
-I've got it, I've got it!
I told you, they're all lunatics in there.
-It was there the whole time.
-Ugh. Listen, Lesley.
I'm gonna be a couple of hours yet.
-At least.
-At least.
Now, the brisket's in the oven.
-Yeah.
-Put it on a low light
to warm up, do a few potatoes with it
and open the tin of peas.
I'll be home before it's ready.
-Please, God.
-Please, God.
-And Lesley, listen.
-[Lesley humming]
Tell Eliot to go and have his hair cut.
His dad's there now having his,
so he'll see him there.
-And Lesley?
-Yeah?
Make him. Any arguing,
tell him no arguing.
Threaten. And listen, Lesley.
Hang up the dry cleaning in the wardrobe.
Not in the wardrobe, outside the wardrobe,
because of the chemicals.
-And if you've got a minute-
-Mother.
Where do I get a minute from?
I've been running all day.
If you've got a minute,
ring the caterer's.
-What for?
-Just, "Hello.
"Is that the caterer's?
"I'm speaking on behalf of Mrs Green.
"is everything all right for tomorrow?"
I'll be happier.
Mother, will you please stop panicking?
D'you wanna give me cold
sores at the dinner dance?
-What cold sores?
-You give me cold sores.
You know, every time I
put on an evening dress,
I have cold sores to match.
The Jewish Chronicle prints it
under Forthcoming Attractions.
"The Green family must be having a simhah.
"Lesley's got a lip full of cold sores."
[phone receiver clicking]
Cold sores, she's hucking me with?
[Eliot] Would you like to test me?
Could you rephrase that question?
Please will you please test me, please?
Like I've got nothing else to do.
Like I'm having such a good time.
-Not Hebrew. Something else!
-Eliot. Haircut, now.
My son, Eliot. He gets
bar mitzvahed tomorrow.
-You're having caterers?
-Levy's.
117 guests at 7.50 a head. [laughs]
Or 7.50 a tucchus, depending
on which way you look at it.
[women laughing]
If you're wondering where the
money's coming from, so am I.
And that's without lemon sorbet!
I'm having tips and streaks.
Go on, please!
[Eliot speaking French]
[Eliot speaking foreign language]
Please stop that. It gets on my nerves.
Stop what?
[Eliot speaking foreign language]
Look, it's not being clever, you know.
It's just showing your ignorance.
Nine times out of 10 you get it wrong.
Eliot, Dad's expecting you.
-He'll be worried!
-[Victor laughing]
It's not bad.
It's not bad, Charlie, not bad.
What do you want? Your usual?
The usual, he asks me,
like I'd better say no,
like I've been coming here for 30 years
having a bloody bubble cut or something.
-[Charlie laughing]
-[Victor speaking Hebrew]
-Right, you want your usual.
-Yeah, why not? Let's go mad.
Listen, I've got a very good one for you.
-Listen to this.
-[Victor humming]
[laughs] It kills me.
There's this Yiddish fella, you see.
Always has to be a Yiddish
fella, d'you notice?
-Can't be a bloody Peruvian.
-So listen.
This Yiddish fella's
walking down the street, so-
Hey, a bloody punter gets
in my cab this morning.
A Yank. Sunglasses, camera, big jacket.
The whole [speaking Hebrew].
Wants to go to Richmond.
So we've been going a couple of minutes,
no trouble, and he says,
"Won't take more than a
quarter of an hour, will it?"
To Richmond!
Like, I'm in Leicester Square, ain't I?
I said, "This is a cab, darling.
"You want a magic bloody carpet,
"I'll drop you off at Persian Airlines."
He says [speaking Yiddish].
"You can kiss mine!" I says.
He looks at me.
"Well, what do you know?" he says.
"Are you an American too?" [laughs]
Bloody nutter. [snorts]
I charged him 30p over the odds.
Go on, Lesley. Please, just once.
You'll never have to test
me on anything again.
Never in your whole life.
Look, you're not worried
about tomorrow, are you?
Here, from here.
Ready?
On your marks, get set, go.
And God spake these words,
saying "I am the Lord thy God
"who brought thee out
of the land of Egypt,
"out of the house of bondage.
"Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.
"Thou shalt not make
unto thee a graven image,
"nor the form of anything
that is in Heaven above
"or that is in the earth beneath,
"or that is in the water under the earth.
"Thou shalt not bow down thyself
unto them, nor serve them.
"For I the Lord thy God am a jealous God,
"visiting iniquity of the
fathers upon the children,
"upon the third and the fourth generation,
"unto them that hate me,
"and showing love and kindness
"to the thousandth generation,
"to them that love me
and keep my commandments.
"Thou shalt not take the name
of the Lord thy God in vain."
-Et cetera.
-Et cetera?
"Remember the Sabbath
day, to keep it holy."
Et cetera.
There's a lot of et
ceteras all of a sudden.
Well, you're busy.
-"Honour thy father and-"
-Look, Eliot.
Are you gonna have your hair cut?
I mean, it's not a
polite request, you know.
You like commandments?
-This is a commandment.
-"Thou shalt not murder.
"Thou shalt not commit adultery.
"Thou shalt not steal.
"Thou shalt not bear false witness.
"Thou shalt not covet
they neighbor's house,
"nor his wife, nor his manservant,
"nor his maidservant,
nor his ox, nor his ass,
"nor his Allegro 1300, nor
anything that is thy neighbor's."
The Allegro 1300's an
optional extra. Joke.
Well, I hope you're just not
gonna rattle on like that.
I mean, people will be watching, you know?
-What people?
-The whole family.
The congregation. Rabbi Sherman.
-Oh, people.
-Yeah. People.
[Lesley speaking French]. Populace.
What else is there? Giraffes?
No-one will be watching.
I don't say the Ten Commandments.
What?
They're not in my bar mitzvah.
Well, what the hell have
you learned them for, then?
♪ They know that when I dance ♪
[toy plane clattering]
♪ I didn't feel it ♪
♪ Love isn't with me at all ♪
[brassy, lively music]
[toy plane clattering]
[paper rustling]
[Victor slurping soup]
[cutlery clinking]
Horrible, isn't it?
The soup?
I just warmed it up. You cooked it.
My hair. It's ruined!
You could all say. I'm not sensitive.
-I look terrible.
-It's beautiful!
You look gorgeous.
-[Rita speaking Yiddish]
-[Harold speaking Yiddish]
-Victor?
-[Victor slurping soup]
-Victor!
-Hello.
-What do you think?
-What about?
Your honest opinion. You hate it.
-I don't mind.
-Good.
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
-My hair.
-What can I say? It's hair.
-But do you like it?
-It's done me no harm.
[Rita scoffing]
I've never seen it look so nice.
[Rita speaking Yiddish]
-He said that once!
-[speaking Yiddish]
Good.
She's coming to give it a comb out
first thing in the morning.
I'll ask her to take out the streaks.
That's what's so beautiful. The streaks.
-Ah, well. In that case.
-Fantastic. Really fantastic.
-Great.
-Mum. Nice?
A banquet, straight up.
-Tremendous.
-Mum?
It's lovely, darling.
You didn't warm the brisket
on too high a light,
-you don't think?
-It doesn't taste burned.
No! No, it's nice!
It's crispy. It's different.
Crispy.
-Dad?
-What.
Lesley wants to know. Nice dinner?
The whole bloody family's gone pot shop.
It's like a dinner. I'm eating it!
[Rita sighing]
[cutlery clattering]
-Stan and Dora Klein.
-What about them?
They didn't RSVP.
We don't know if they're
coming to the dinner dance.
-Victor!
-If they come, they come.
If they don't, they don't.
Confucius Cohen. Pass the salt.
But the seating plan, though.
It'll make ash and blotter
of the seating plan.
They should be on the
second table and it's full!
-Well, they're not relations.
-He's a doctor.
He expects it. [tuts]
[sighs] They'll give him a
beautiful present, though.
-They may not be coming.
-Yeah, but by the same token-
Rita, let me eat!
You'd think they'd RSVP.
A man in his position.
Perhaps they didn't get the invitation.
Perhaps they were in Bournemouth.
He's a doctor!
Perhaps he can't read decent writing.
Perhaps he couldn't
afford a stamp. Who can?
Was stamped already.
It was a stamped, addressed card.
-Was no expense spared.
-Rita.
For the first time in three months,
may I eat without hearing seating plans
and menus and caterers,
and "Do we tip the rabbi?"
And "Should we invite Miriam?"
And "What if it rains?"
And "Should I wear a long
dress or a short dress?"
And "Nothing will spoil it, will it?"
In the morning, he gets bar mitzvahed.
In the evening, we have the dinner dance,
and by Sunday it's all a dream.
Thank you, amen.
[cutlery clattering]
Do you think we should give her a bouquet?
-Not too dear.
-Who?
-Mrs Sherman.
-Is she anyone we know?
The rabbi's wife!
Certainly give her a bouquet.
I've never met the woman.
Give everybody a bouquet.
Plant trees for 'em in Israel!
It's already costing me
three insurance policies.
-Roll on Sunday.
-You want it over with.
The greatest honour of your life.
-You know what I mean.
-I'm afraid I don't.
Harold, do you know what he means?
Um.
Well, in a sense.
Um. Well, yes and no.
What he, i-in my view, well, doesn't mean-
She knows what I mean.
She knows what I mean even when I don't.
Hey, blabbermouth.
You gonna practise your speech tonight?
-Yeah.
-He'll practise his speech
like he went for a haircut.
-Didn't you like your dinner?
-Terrific.
-Apart from not eating it.
-Wasn't hungry.
And tomorrow morning,
before we go to shul,
-you'll get that hair cut.
-There won't be time!
Victor, he's not standing
in a beautiful synagogue
on the greatest day of his life
looking like Kojak.
-Kojak's bald.
-Not Kojak. The other one.
Which other one?
Oh, she picks me up on every little thing!
[Victor] Lesley, leave your mother alone.
If I don't do the worrying, who will?
Now what's she going on about?
See? Satisfied?
I thought it was a bar mitzvah tomorrow!
Thought I was supposed
to read the blessings
and the portion of the Law.
Be the guest of honour
at the dinner dance.
The Torah doesn't mention
it's a hairdressing contest.
Look, everybody just eat.
All week long I'm in bloody traffic jams.
Just eat!
[cutlery clattering]
[plates clattering]
-All right, then?
-Pardon?
-Everything all right?
-Yes, thanks.
[plates clattering]
Just sort of sitting and
staring a bit, are you?
I thought that was a woman's job.
Was that just a theory put
about by chauvinist pigs?
It happens to be a special
occasion, doesn't it?
I mean, everybody else is busy
driving each other barmy, aren't they?
You always do it. Always.
[Eliot speaking Latin]
Always? I hardly do it always.
I only come here Fridays.
"Always," he says.
Always on Fridays, you do it.
Our dad never does it.
Yeah, well, your dad's
your dad, isn't he?
I've seen him dry them once or twice.
They're even wetter after he dries.
He does it badly on purpose.
No-one talk, I can't hear anything.
[Lesley and Harold blowing kisses]
Look, haven't you got things to do?
A million! You must have!
She doesn't appreciate it, you know.
There's your speech to learn,
two lots of Hebrew, the blessings.
You think it's a mating
call, don't you? Washing up?
No other species of animals do it.
You don't see giraffes washing
up for female giraffes.
She won't suddenly show you
her knickers, et cetera.
-[water splashing]
-All right, Eliot.
Go and be comical elsewhere, okay?
Okay.
It's manners, isn't it?
I'm thanking your parents
for their hospitality.
It's a nice thing to do, pleasing people.
[tense music]
One. In morning,
[indistinct], ring caterers.
Two, prepare for shul.
Three, [indistinct] goes
on 'til after breakfast.
-Victor!
-Hello.
-Will you help me?
-Doing what?
-Showing interest!
-I'm showing, I'm showing.
It's everything we do.
If we're going on holiday,
if we're getting the decorators.
Whatever needs doing, it's me. Always me.
-If we need a plumber-
-All right, all right.
I'm watching something.
-Don't talk while I'm watching.
-[Rita scoffing]
Four. Still need to
give my hair a comb out.
Four A. Ask Sylvia
to give Eliot quick haircut.
-If time.
-If time.
There won't be.
Five, set off to synagogue.
Victor, is there petrol in the car?
We're not sitting in the garage
getting petrol in our best clothes.
There's petrol, there's petrol.
I thought we weren't supposed
to drive on the Sabbath.
I thought it was a sin.
I thought we were supposed to walk.
All right, all right.
You've made your point.
I thought that was covered
by the fourth commandment.
"Remember the Sabbath
day, to keep it holy."
So we'll park a couple
of streets from the shul
and walk the rest of the way.
Terrible thing. We won't be seen.
Won't we?
Oh, all the congregation do it.
I wasn't thinking of the congregation.
Well, other people couldn't care less-
I wasn't thinking of other people.
Eliot.
Can you try and sit on the chair
like a normal human being?
Is it too much to ask?
Dralon grows on trees?
[TV clamouring]
-Six. After service, return-
-Did he go?
What?
I've seen it before.
-[TV thudding]
-[TV] Ha!
That was a tour de force,
a real tour de force.
I said it.
-But you were a great help-
-[TV clicking off]
Thank you!
Eight quid a year licence fee I pay.
After service, it's home.
Eliot change clothes.
Hang suit up in wardrobe
ready for evening.
[wrapper rustling]
If you're hungry, why
didn't you eat your dinner?
I'm not.
[Rita] Then why are you eating sweets
and taking the enamel off your teeth?
I'm not. I'm just unwrapping it.
-What for?
-It's a new hobby.
[wrapper rustling]
-Eight. Ring caterers.
-[doorbell ringing]
Eliot, let your grandad in.
I've just got to go and learn my speech.
Like, all of a sudden?
First let him in. Then learn it.
[door clicking open]
-Good Shabbas, Mr Wax!
-Shabbas!
And how's the finest
solicitor you could wish for?
Accountant, actually.
Fine, Mr Wax. And how's your back?
There he is! The bar mitzvah boy! [laughs]
And how's the loveliest
grandson you could wish for?
-[kiss smacking]
-[Grandad Wax humming]
[Grandad Wax speaking Yiddish]
-Hello, Zaydeh.
-Hello, he says! [laughs]
So beautiful, like a [speaking Yiddish].
Can you think of anything I've missed out?
-No.
-I didn't see you think.
There was nothing to see.
-I'm an invisible thinker.
-Hey, young man!
Bar mitzvah boy.
You're not coming to sit
on your zaydeh's knee?
I've got to go and learn
my speech and my Hebrew.
[laughs] I could eat him! [laughs]
Don't get up, don't get up!
I'll have a cup of tea and
a piece of sponge cake,
but only if you're having.
-Good Shabbas.
-Good Shabbas, dad.
[Victor] Shabbas [speaking
Yiddish]. How's your back?
[Grandad Wax] Ah, who cares?
The doctors also have to live.
Listen, if the kids are
happy, you're happy.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're all happy, thank God.
I'm the happiest man in the world!
It's my happiness!
What should I do, cry?
Go on, say some cutting remark
regarded as brilliant in the B string.
I wasn't gonna say anything.
Nothing. [speaking foreign languages].
Good.
What do you think of Harold?
You know what I think of Harold.
[scoffs] What do you think of him?
We're nearly engaged, aren't we?
That's no answer.
Is the back of my hand an answer?
D'you reckon him?
We are nearly bloody engaged!
-D'you reckon Dad?
-Dad?
-Dad!
-Well, Dad's Dad, isn't he?
What's got into you?
-And d'you reckon Grandad?
-Of course.
Why? Por quoi? [speaking foreign language]
Sorry, missed the English one.
-Why?
-Why what?
Why d'you reckon them?
Well, that is a particularly
stupid question, isn't it?
Even from you.
Must be man mad.
-What about me?
-What about you?
[Eliot] My dear mother and father,
my dear sister, my dear grandfather,
Rabbi Sherman, relatives and friends.
On this day that marks my passage
from boyhood to manhood I
would like to thank you all
for the great honour that
you have bestowed on me
by your presence at this dinner dance.
I shall cherish it all
my life without fail.
I would like to thank Rabbi Sherman also
for the patience he has bestowed on me
during the last year while preparing me
to learn the portion of the Law
which I had the honour to
recite in the synagogue today.
He has been no end of a tower of strength
in no uncertain terms.
Most of all, I would like to thank
my dear mother and father
for the guidance, wisdom and love
which they bestowed on me in my boyhood.
[paper rustling]
Now that I am a man, I'll
follow my dear father's example
and that of my dear grandfather.
And last but not...
Last but not least, that of my...
My sister Lesley's boyfriend, Harold.
Living my life with truth,
industry and selfless devotion
according to the moral
teachings of the Talmud.
At the risk of repeating myself,
there have been no end
of paternal strength
in no uncertain terms.
I sincerely hope I'll
be a credit to them all
and that they will say of
me as Brutus did of Anthony,
Act V, Scene V, line 73.
"This was a man."
Thank you...
Thank you all for the presents
which you have bestowed on...
[paper rustling]
Thank you all for the wonderful presents
which you have bestowed on me
for which I am extremely grateful for.
I hope you enjoy your evening,
not forgetting the dancing
which is about to ensue,
as I feel sure you assuredly will.
-Thank you.
-[paper rustling]
[Victor] They've a right to march?
They've got a right to march?
[Harold] They've a right
to march. It's legal.
Legal? Course it's legal.
So's pneumonia. 20 minutes
I was held up, mate!
With an empty bloody cab!
Listen, the way I look at it...
Call me an intellectual if you must.
Everybody should make just
enough to be comfortable.
[Victor] Do you know how much
that comes to, on the clock?
Well, you're the accountant round here.
In that way, there's no marches,
no strikes, everybody's happy!
Go on, then. I'm the trade unionist.
[Harold] I'm the true blue.
They're your brothers.
That's my solution.
But my mazel.
I'm not prime minister.
[family speaking, muffled]
[Victor] Nor are you.
How you can be a Tory beats me.
You're not supposed to feel
sorry for people, Harold!
You're not supposed to care
about working conditions.
[scoffs] You'd get drunk
with a communist, you would.
[family speaking, muffled]
He beats me altogether. A Yiddish fella.
When I was a lad,
they gave you your Labour
Party membership card
the minute you were circumcised.
They give you with one hand,
take away with the other.
There's two sides to every story, Victor.
Right. Well, whose side are you on?
Our entry to it is naked and bare.
Our journey through it
is trouble and care.
Our exit from it is God knows where.
So if we're all right here,
we're all right there!
[fabric rustling]
[Rita scoffing]
-Perfect. Perfect.
-[plastic rustling]
[hums] I'll put a new crease
in your dad's trousers.
They just came back from the cleaner's.
I know.
But you said they were perfect!
[Rita] I like a crease to be a crease.
I can't help it. It's my nature.
I'll do them when I'm doing Eliot's.
Mine haven't even come from the cleaner's.
Mine are new. It's a new suit.
They don't need pressing.
For Burton's window they
don't need pressing.
[Rita sighing]
Which tie do you think for your dad?
Not for me, you notice,
but I have to choose.
He'd rather sit on his behind
watching television and arguing.
Me! [scoffs] I have the headaches.
Me, I have the cold sores.
[Rita humming]
Nothing. I didn't speak.
Cold sores. "Cold sores," she says.
Thank you.
A splitting headache
I've had for six month,
and she says, "Cold sores."
[Victor] Rita! Brian's going now!
I'll see you tomorrow then, Pop.
Mind the roads. God bless!
-Cheerio, Zaydeh.
-You're going to be
the belle of the ball
tomorrow, [speaking Yiddish].
-Who else?
-Eliot, grandad's going now.
Night, Zaydeh.
[Grandad Wax] Do I get a big kiss
from the loveliest boy you could wish for?
I'm just studying at the moment, Zaydeh.
[laughs] [indistinct]
Speeches! I could eat you!
[laughs] Okay, okay.
See you tomorrow, everybody!
[Harold] A real pleasure to
have seen you again, Mr Wax.
-Mazel tov, [indistinct]!
-Goodnight, dad.
[door clicking shut]
[Lesley] Night night, then, love.
[Harold] I've hardly seen you all evening.
[Lesley] Well, we'll
see each other tomorrow.
No. Well, not just the two of us.
-No. 117.
-[both laughing softly]
-Ah! Hair.
-Sorry.
-[Lesley exclaiming]
-Nail polish. [laughing]
-Well. Thanks for dinner.
-Pleasure, Harold.
Fantastic.
As long as I was of some help.
-Help?
-Well, washing up.
Not that it's any trouble.
And polishing Eliot's shoes for tomorrow,
and one of your dad's.
Well, it's all in the family, isn't it?
Or soon will be.
Putting the dishes away.
I don't mind. It's no trouble to me.
Making the tea. Fixing the sponge cake.
-You're very sweet.
-Am I?
Hey! What about my beauty
sleep, then? [laughs]
-Sorry.
-Don't apologise, Harold.
-Sorry.
-Harold!
-Night, then.
-Night.
-Love you.
-Love you.
-[Harold blowing kiss]
-[Lesley blowing kiss]
[door slamming]
-Night, everybody.
-Goodnight, Eliot!
[Lesley] Goodnight, Eliot.
Goodnight, son.
I've thought of an element of humour
for my speech at the dinner.
In conclusion, may I
say that for a father,
his son's bar mitzvah is
the most beautiful service
seen in a synagogue.
Very nice.
-Not that I go all that much.
-You're not saying that.
Well, as Rabbi Sherman once said to me,
"I don't often see you
"in the synagogue very often, Mr Green."
And as I replied,
"I don't see you driving a cab
very often, Rabbi Sherman."
-You can't say that!
-[laughing] Then,
wait for the laughter
to die down, and I say,
but today, I wouldn't
have missed for the world.
Thank you.
-[Lesley knocking]
-You asleep?
-Yes.
-Can I come in?
[Eliot] No.
Hello, horrible.
Shouldn't you be having beauty sleep?
-Have you given up hope?
-Ha, ha.
Hey, how'd you like every
evening to be like this one, hey?
Not a lot.
-How was school today?
-All right.
Did Squidge find out you
nicked his pocket calculator?
He thinks it was expletive deleted.
-Who?
-The maths teacher.
-You all right, our kid?
-Yes, thanks.
Merci. Gracias.
It always happens. The panic.
Even in normal families.
It's a big day for them.
The biggest in their lives.
Probably bigger for
them than it is for you.
-Soon be over.
-Yeah.
Well. Try to get some sleep.
And don't just lie
there thinking about it.
And no dreaming either, by order,
except for cricket, football
or Olivia Newton-John.
Still is Olivia Newton-John, isn't it?
-Pan's People.
-What, all of them?
Most of 'em.
See you in the morning, horrible.
[Eliot] See you.
Where the hell 13 years go to, eh?
13 years. Now you see him, now you don't.
[laughs] Skinny little kid,
rubbing poached egg in the carpet.
-[speaking Yiddish]
-[Victor laughing]
Can't be more than five minutes
since I bought him a scooter
for being vaccinated.
-That was Lesley.
-Dear God, was it?
For going to the dentist's.
[Victor yawning]
You'll never need six hankies.
You'll need five of them. [laughs]
Not done too bad, have we, all told?
Since our Bethnal Green days.
Not bad.
No shul for you on a
Saturday in them days.
[scoffs] West Ham United, yes.
-[fabric rustling]
-[light switch clicking]
[dustbin clanging]
[Rita sighing]
[groans] I'll give the worrying a rest.
-That's the idea.
-[Rita sighing]
I can't think of anything I've missed out.
[Victor] No.
I've taken a Valium.
[Victor] Good.
[Rita sighing]
[footsteps clicking]
[switches clicking]
Morning, Wilfred. Good Shabbas.
Morning, Rabbi Sherman.
Oh. Have you had a cup of coffee?
It was only one spoonful.
I finished it off.
-I didn't think-
-No, no, no, no. Fine.
-I wasn't hinting.
-No, I know.
I meant had you had.
Hello? Mrs Levy?
Levy's, the caterers?
Good morning. Mrs Green speaking.
May I speak to Mr Levy, please?
[hissing] Ooh!
Listen, you want to look beautiful,
you've got to suffer a little.
It's human nature. I apologise.
My fault. It's my fault.
Victor, there's blood on your chin.
-I like blood on my chin.
-Eliot! Are you ready?
We're moving out of the house now!
We're on the doorstep.
Lesley, I'm not sure about
that colour eyeshadow.
There again, I'm not Mary Quant.
And then again, you're not wearing it.
-Will you keep still?
-Keep still.
I'm keeping still.
What am I doing, the 400 metres hurdles?
-I'm keeping still!
-All right, all right!
Well, what am I doing?
The 400 metres hurdles or something?
Hello? Mr Levy?
Good morning. Mrs Green speaking.
Just ringing to say
hello, really. [laughs]
No, nothing! No...
Just that my husband wanted to know
if everything was in order.
Yes, certainly there's no
reason it shouldn't be.
Yes. Er, yes.
Yeah, I-I'll tell him.
-Thank you. Good Shabbas.
-[phone clicking]
Eliot! Your dad's starting the car.
-Oh.
-Tell him what?
-What?
-I'll tell him, you said.
What do you want to tell me?
-I've never met the fella.
-What? Oh.
They've been established since 1912
and they haven't had any complaints yet.
-[laughs] Usual business.
-[phone clicking]
Right. It's all done.
Really?
Unless you suddenly decide to go blonde,
in which case I'll kill myself.
-[Rita laughing]
-[gasps] Delightful.
Believe me, I am my own worst enemy.
-Believe me.
-So what do I owe you?
[Sylvia] It's my bar
mitzvah present to Eliot.
-Oh, Sylvia, you mustn't!
-But it's my pleasure!
I wouldn't dream...
Victor!
Did you hear what Sylvia said?
-We couldn't possibly!
-I heard, I heard. Thank you.
Oh. Eliot!
Your dad and Lesley
are waiting in the car!
-If you don't come now-
-My cuff links!
[Rita] I left them out
for you on the tallboy.
I couldn't do the right
one with my left hand.
It wouldn't go!
The shirt's stiff. The hole wouldn't open.
You look beautiful! A little mensch!
There. Well, what d'you say?
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
My gloves. My handbag.
I've got everything. Crocodile.
-Oh, it's lovely.
-Not real.
-No.
-A mail order.
-Ooh!
-Nice. Victor, you ready?
Your, where's your tallis bag?
-Eliot? And your capel?
-Inside.
Excuse me, do I have time to emigrate?
Another day. Tomorrow.
-I'll come with you.
-Thank you.
-Well, you ready?
-I'm ready, I'm ready.
-Have you taken a Valium?
-I've got, I've got.
In my handbag, I've got.
Thank you very much, Sylvia.
-Go on, Victor!
-Well, come on.
-Sylvia-
-[group clamouring]
-You'll see Sylvia later.
-See you later, yes!
[Lesley] Keep your hands
out of your pockets!
[Eliot] All right.
-We're not going in the cab.
-What difference?
You said Richard Falmore was
gonna lend you his Consort!
He was. Now it's being serviced.
-You know what he's like.
-Victor, for God's sake!
It's his bar mitzvah!
For his wedding, it'll be different.
[gasps] Thank you very much.
I'll worry about that next week.
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!
-[Rita yelling, muffled]
-Worry, worry, worry.
[engine revving]
Ooh. Careful.
[children yelling]
[brakes squeaking]
Victor! Have you gone mad?
Habit. Force of habit.
-It can happen!
-Did you...
Did you see what he did?
Oh, the heart!
[footsteps clicking]
-Okay.
-They're here?
They're here.
Ah. [clapping] What can
you say about perfection?
-[Harold speaking Hebrew]
-[group clamouring]
-All right!
-[group clamouring]
-Hold it! Goodness' sake.
-Shake hands with Zaydeh.
-Yeah, look-
-Oh, what a boy.
-It's the bar mitzvah boy.
-[Grandad Wax laughing]
Mazel! [laughs]
-How's your back?
-Oh, who cares?
[echo obscuring speech]
If the kinder, bless 'em,
are happy, you're happy.
If you're happy, I'm happy!
If you're all happy, then God,
I'm the happiest man in the world!
It's my happiness! What should I do, cry?
[footsteps echoing]
[hazzan reciting in Hebrew]
[hazzan and congregation
singing in Hebrew]
[Harold] Haven't you got things to do?
A million. You must have.
There's your speech to learn,
two lots of Hebrew, the blessings.
[Lesley] Well, I hope you're just
not gonna rattle on like that.
I mean, people will be watching, you know.
-What people?
-Well, family.
The congregation. Rabbi Sherman.
-Oh, people.
-Yeah, people.
What else is there? Giraffes?
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[men singing in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Sherman] Then comes the big moment.
The moment when the hazzan calls you up.
He'll call your name in Hebrew.
You'll rise in a dignified manner,
walk up the steps, and
stand there beside him,
and you'll sing in loud, clear Hebrew
everything you've learned.
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[Rita] I'll put a new crease
in your dad's trousers.
[Lesley] They've just come
back from the cleaner's!
[Rita] I know.
[Lesley] But you said they were perfect!
[Rita] I like a crease to be a crease.
I can't help it. It's my nature.
If I don't do the worrying, who will?
[Lesley] Now what's she going on about?
[Rita] The seating plan, though.
It'll make ash and blotter
of the seating plan.
They should be on the
second table and it's full!
-They're not relations.
-Well, he's a doctor!
-He expects it.
-[men singing in Hebrew]
[Victor] Give everybody a bouquet.
Plant trees for 'em in Israel.
It's already costing me
three insurance policies.
Roll on Sunday.
[Rita] You want it over with.
The greatest honour of your life.
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Sherman] First,
the hazzan will call your grandfather up
to the reading of the Law.
It's a mitzvah in your honour.
[Grandad Wax reciting in Hebrew]
[congregation responding in Hebrew]
[Grandad Wax] Ha!
How's the loveliest
grandson you could wish for?
[hums] I could eat him!
Hey, young man! Bar mitzvah boy!
You're not coming to sit
on your zaydeh's knee?
[Grandad Wax reciting Hebrew]
[congregation responding in Hebrew]
[hazzan reading in Hebrew]
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Sherman] Then again in your honour,
the hazzan will call your father up
to the reading of the Law.
[Victor reading in Hebrew]
[Victor] May I eat without
hearing seating plans
and menus and caterers
and "Do we tip the rabbi?"
And "Should we invite Miriam?"
And "What if it rains?"
And "Should I wear a long
dress or a short dress?"
And "Nothing will spoil it, will it?"
In the morning he gets bar mitzvahed,
in the evening we have the dinner dance,
and by Sunday it's all a dream.
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[Lesley] It always happens. The panic.
Even in normal families.
It's a big day for them.
The biggest in their lives.
Probably bigger for
them than it is for you.
[hazzan reciting in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Sherman] Then comes the big moment.
The moment when the hazzan calls you up.
You'll rise in a dignified manner,
walk up the steps and
stand there beside him,
and you'll sing in loud, clear Hebrew
everything you've learned.
That's your big moment, Eliot.
[crowd gasping]
[tense, choppy music]
[footsteps clicking]
[footsteps clicking]
[footsteps clicking]
[lively, sharp music]
[sighs] Ai, ai, ai, ai.
[man muttering in Hebrew]
[door clicking shut]
-[sighs] Well. Good Shabbas.
-Good Shabbas.
-Have you had a cup?
-It's sweet tea.
Very sweet, for medicinal purposes.
I didn't think you'd want any.
No, I didn't.
[Rabbi Sherman sighing]
Well, now.
What usually happens in cases like this?
There are no cases like this.
[sighs] There's no such thing!
[china clinking]
-Would you like a Valium?
-In mum's handbag.
-Would you like one?
-There's none left.
[Eliot knocking]
[door clicking open]
[Eliot] Can I have a haircut, please?
[Charlie] Closed.
[Eliot] I've come for
one because I want to,
not because anybody else wants me to,
and I don't come when
everybody else wants me to.
It's a rule.
When it says closed, I'm closed,
so that's another rule.
Saturday's the Jewish Sunday, pal.
Shabbas. Day of prayer.
[door clicking shut]
Right. Now, where was I?
Let's get on with it.
Oh, yes.
All, right, I'll see you for 20p, Moishe.
-[bowl clattering]
-[Grandad Wax sighing]
-I've got no appetite.
-Well, of course you have.
It'll give you one.
How can anyone eat with a broken heart?
Practise makes perfect. Sorry.
-[Grandad Wax sniffing]
-Shh, shh, shh.
C'mon, try a little soup.
-Lesley...
-Tomato sauce or brown sauce?
On the wurst?
-I've been looking forward.
-I know. We all had.
I, I bought him a watch for
his bar mitzvah present.
-Shockproof [indistinct].
-Or mustard?
-Lesley.
-What?
-What'd you say his name was?
-Erm, Squidge.
Eliot always calls him Squidge.
Squidge what, for Christ's sake?
I mean, if his father answers,
I've never met the fella.
-How can I-
-Squidge Perlman. Perlman.
And, and is Squidge his real...
Oh, er, good afternoon Mrs Perlman.
I'm, er, I'm sorry to trouble you.
Is Eliot Green there, please?
Squidge's pal?
Sorry, you believe what?
I see. Thank you.
[phone clattering]
She believes it's his bar mitzvah today.
[scoffs] Now what? Who else?
Lesley, I'll murder him, I will.
I've spent 13 years bringing him up,
and now I've done it,
I'll bloody strangle him.
Lesley, would your mother prefer
tomato sauce, brown sauce or mustard?
Or none of them?
Doesn't he pal out with
that Morris Donner's lad?
-What's his name?
-Stuart?
Stuart! Stuart!
Er, where...
Where's he live? What's his number?
He hasn't palled out with Stuart
since they were six years old,
seeing who could wee the highest.
'Scuse me! 'Scuse me.
Man at work.
♪ Always playing clean ♪
♪ He plays by intuition ♪
-I've run away.
-From home?
-No. Just away.
-Why?
-Where are you going now?
-Home. It's mince cutlets.
I hate mince cutlets.
I'm vegetarian, but they won't believe me.
Been vegetarian for over a fortnight.
How do you fancy a picnic instead?
An open-air picnic.
A mouthful.
Try one mouthful.
No.
It's bean and barley. Your favourite.
You cooked it.
And a wurst sandwich.
-Victor.
-I'm on the phone.
-Victor, come here.
-[Harold sighing]
All the months of...
The expense!
Who's ever heard of a Jewish
boy not getting bar mitzvahed?
It's something you don't hear of.
I mean, you're his mother.
You could have a heart attack.
You could lie there and
have a heart attack.
I mean, Mr Wax isn't a young man.
She started sweating again?
Victor.
At this moment, on their
way, are 117 guests.
Sitting on the train, in cars,
queuing for buses, all on their way.
At half past six, Victor,
117 people from Bournemouth,
from Manchester,
Leeds and Glasgow, from
Birmingham, everywhere,
are going to turn up at
the Reuben Shulman Hall
expecting a dinner dance.
All dressed up.
Your Uncle Zalman.
My cousin Freda.
Your brother we don't
talk about from Cardiff.
-Don't upset yourself.
-117 people.
117 portions of chopped liver.
117 mushroom vol au vents.
117 chicken with croquette
potatoes and helzel.
French beans and coleslaw.
117 lockshen cuggles.
A four-piece band.
No bar mitzvah boy.
No bar mitzvah. No nothing.
-Don't upset yourself.
-So tell me how do we cancel?
How do we stop trains and cars
and tell everyone to go home again?
Do we stand on the M1 with a noticeboard?
Do we stand outside
the Reuben Shulman Hall
and tell them Eliot's gone for a walk
and they've got no dinner?
We ring Levy's and tell them
we accidentally made a
mistake, it was next year?
What do we say?
Do we go? Do we turn up?
Do we ever show our face again?
Victor. [sobbing]
You're a clever man.
You read the newspapers.
You argue politics. Tell me.
I'd like to know.
Shall I ring the police again?
Perhaps a piece of sponge cake?
[Eliot] Once you've said the
prayers in the synagogue,
you're a grown man.
That's the supposed intention.
It's the day that marks your passage
from boyhood to manhood.
So that's the passage. Ah, I see.
Mind you, the day my mum
took me to get my first bra.
Well, that night, I
cried all night in bed.
It's nothing standing up, saying prayers.
Christian girls have a far
worse day ahead of them
before they're grown up.
I said, Christian girls have
a far worse day ahead of them,
of an intimate nature.
I'll probably never get
over it, personally.
It comes as this sudden shock,
but you needn't be frightened.
Then you're a woman official.
-I'm going now.
-Now?
You get on my nerves, actually.
Does Squidge know you're here?
-No-one does.
-Is it a secret?
Well, obviously.
-[door clicking open]
-Well, thank you, Rabbi.
-Listen.
-Very good of you.
-Upstairs?
-Yes.
-[Grandad Wax sighing]
-The Rabbi's here.
-She's that bad?
-He wanted to come.
He'll make everything all right, maybe.
How?
[Rita sobbing]
There, now.
No news from the police, I imagine?
-[Rita sobbing]
-I'll make you a cup of tea.
No thank you, darling.
-I'll make if I want.
-It's not for you.
It's for Rabbi Sherman.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Hello. Is that Eliot's mother?
His sister. Who's that?
If you want Eliot, he's at
Jackson Street playground.
This is someone he split
on at school yesterday
who prefers to remain anonymous.
Yours sincerely, a well-wisher.
[phone clicking]
-Are you going out?
-Shan't be long.
[Harold] Shall I go for you?
[Rita] Well, what's happening?
Lesley's just popped out a minute.
I don't know where.
I'd have gone for her
if she'd have wanted.
-I offered!
-First him, now her.
It's like the exodus from bloody Egypt.
Er, no disrespect.
Life. You try. [sighs]
You do your best.
It's not easy.
Listen. If it was easy...
[Grandad Wax sighing]
It always has been.
It always will be. [groans]
-What can you do?
-[Grandad Wax slurping tea]
[birds singing]
[footsteps clicking]
[footsteps clicking]
I should always wear it, if I was you.
It's a hell of an improvement.
[Lesley sighing]
Having a terrific time, are you?
We've had a terrific time.
We went to the synagogue.
It was a good laugh.
Pity you couldn't stay.
Listen, nutcase. There
are two alternatives.
Either we talk, or I smash your face in.
It's entirely up to you.
In a minute, there'll be one alternative.
-Are they upset?
-Upset?
-Are they?
-Oh, brilliant.
No, they're having a bloody singsong.
Eliot, for God's sake.
The most important day of their lives!
-Well?
-Did go for a haircut.
-You what?
-Didn't have one, though.
You went for a bar mitzvah
and you didn't have one of those, either!
Is that why you left?
To go for a sodding haircut?
-Course not.
-Well, why, then?
Why, Eliot?
I don't think I'm old
enough to be bar mitzvahed.
You're 13. That's the age.
I don't think I've got the qualifications.
What qualifications?
The only qualification is to be 13.
All you have to do is
to breathe for 13 years
and avoid the traffic.
Now, what the hell are you talking about?
[Boy] Oy, missus. Can
we have our ball back?
Eliot, every Jewish
boy gets bar mitzvahed.
Every single one for thousands of years!
5,736.
5,736. Everybody!
Dad did it. Grandad, Harold.
They're not men, Lesley.
That's the whole point.
If that's being a man, I
don't want to be one, do I?
It's no good pretending I did.
Well, what are they then? [laughs]
If they're not men? Giraffes?
[Boy] Hey, missus? Oi,
cloth ears, [indistinct].
Dad's a man, Eliot.
If he was my age and behaved like he does,
he'd get a clip round the ear.
He acts like a kid.
Howard acts like a
baby. Grandad is a baby.
That's what you think, is it?
I'm not saying they're the only ones.
That's the trouble. It's every-
Yeah, well, I'll tell you what I think.
It's all an excuse.
You ran away because you were scared.
You thought you'd get it wrong.
You thought you'd make nudnik of yourself.
You were chicken.
Lesley, I could do it standing on my head.
-Prove it.
-Look, all I'm saying-
They're babies?
They all did what you couldn't.
It didn't work, though, did it?
-Bar mitzvahs don't work.
-They tried,
and they're still bloody trying.
It's more than you did,
and they're babies?
You're a liar, Eliot.
The whole thing's an excuse
and you're just a bloody liar!
Could do it standing on my head.
[footsteps clicking]
[Eliot reciting in Hebrew]
[Eliot reciting in Hebrew]
Why me? Why pick on me?
What d'you mean, I'm a great
help, I always have been?
You're his father.
So what am I supposed to do?
Oh. Oh, I'm stick of arguing.
-I can't argue any more.
-I do my bloody share, Rita!
A share of shouting, yes.
That, you're good at. Ha!
A big man. The [speaking Hebrew].
Shouting and bawling but never doing.
Never, since I've known you!
-Doing what?
-Anything.
Oh. I go out every day and play, don't I?
Twiddling my thumbs.
The rent pays itself. Clothes, food.
I don't know what else I'm supposed to do,
for crying out loud!
I know you don't.
[Eliot reciting in Hebrew]
Can I do it the right way up now?
[Rita and Victor arguing, muffled]
[Grandad Wax snoring]
[pots smashing]
[snorts] Mazel tov!
[Eliot reciting in Hebrew]
[door slamming]
Harold, am I right or am I wrong?
-What?
-Who's right?
[Victor] What's it got to do with him?
-Nothing!
-Sticking his bloody oar in.
-Harold.
-Erm. Well.
Well...
Actually, it's not really for me to say.
It is if I ask you.
-You have my permission.
-And mine. Go on.
-Who's right?
-Well.
In some respects, there
seems to be some truth-
-Which respects?
-Not all. I didn't say all.
Which, which?
Well, speak. For once in
your life, upset someone.
Well, actually, in many respects,
you're both right.
I think there's a lot to be said for,
erm, for what you both said.
I agree with you both.
-Wholeheartedly.
-Amen.
-I said amen.
-Amen.
Told you I could do it.
[Lesley] [hums] Mazel tov.
-I said mazel tov.
-Thanks.
Want to take some enamel off your teeth?
I'd have said it even better
with the scroll in front of me.
You're not expected to know it by heart.
-I was good, wasn't I?
-It's all Chinese to me.
-I was pretty good.
-Shame, then, isn't it?
What is?
Well, you could've been the first one.
The first man ever, seeing
as there are no others.
It's all right saying it. It's keeping it.
I mean, the Ten Commandments
must be a pig to start with.
They've all said it.
They probably all meant it.
At the time, anyway, at their bar mitzvah.
I mean, that's hard,
but I expect it gets even harder.
Probably gets harder
and harder as you go on.
There's the rub.
Well. I think what you did
was the hardest of all.
-Not getting bar mitzvahed.
-Why?
[Lesley] The most grown up, anyway.
That wasn't the intended intention.
I know. Hard luck.
Do you think I'm probably
a man already, then?
I think you're well on your way.
Wow. It's a bit bloody scary.
Why d'you think they make
such a tzimmes of it?
And there's no need to swear.
-Think I feel a bit sick.
-Come home. Join the club.
Would that be grown up? Going home again?
Very.
Expect I'll have to tell
a few lies, won't I?
I'll tell the lies.
I've had the practise.
I've been grown up for years.
[footsteps clicking]
-He was worried.
-He was worried?
You were bloody worried?
Worried about your mother
dying of a broken heart?
[laughs] Thank you! Chutzpah!
You broke it!
People here were worried about that.
Did you know that?
I mean, your poor mother
and your grandfather!
You do arithmetic at school, do you?
Do you know how much
the Reuben Shulman Hall
costs at 7.50 a head?
-117 heads?
-He had his reasons.
He thought he had his reasons.
He's only a kid. He was
worried, that's all.
Worried you couldn't remember
what you've learned, Eliot?
-The Hebrew?
-Not that.
He knows that backwards.
Well, upside down. He did it.
Did what?
-The lot.
-Word for word.
What do you mean, he did it?
He walked out! I was there!
With my apricot ruched
hat on, I was there!
-Kvelling!
-He did it for me
in the kids' playground.
-He recited his bar mitzvah?
-Word perfect.
You really do put the
boot in, don't you, mate?
Well, next time we have a bar mitzvah,
move the shul to the kids' playground!
Ring MacAlpines, get an estimate!
So what were you worried
about, [speaking Hebrew]?
Well, he thought...
He thought he couldn't be a man.
The sort of man he'd expect.
Men like you and dad, and Harold.
Eliot.
Barmpot!
To you, I seem like a hero.
It's only natural.
Natural, but stupid!
I'm not all that wonderful.
I've got faults.
Little ones, maybe, but I've got 'em.
Sometimes I've been a bit
of a [speaking Hebrew].
When I was younger, perhaps.
I wasn't always perfect.
-Nor Zaydeh here!
-Course not.
Fine man, but not every second of the day.
And Harold! A fine boy!
A [speaking Hebrew], certainly,
but sometimes, not often, a
bit of a [speaking Hebrew].
-Now and then.
-We've all got little faults.
You just haven't noticed them, that's all,
because we've learned to hide them
in the fullness of time.
[stammering] Mr Green. Mrs Green.
[inhales] There's a prayer we say in shul.
-A prayer for mourners.
-No-one's died. Who's died?
-It begins [speaking Hebrew].
-Oh, yes?
Now, it means, "May the
Almighty comfort you."
-Oh, yes.
-The point is,
[speaking Hebrew] means place,
meaning every place, meaning
everywhere, meaning God.
God means anywhere. Everywhere.
Synagogue, bedroom, battlefield.
A playground.
You did the full portion, Eliot?
-Yes.
-Everything?
I got stuck on [speaking Hebrew]
in the bit about Abraham in the cave,
but I went back and got it right.
Now, the thing is, for
what I'm going to say,
I may get a few nasty memos from high up.
From fairly high up. [laughs]
But not from as high up
as God, I don't think.
Well, what are you gonna say?
What I'm going to say is,
that in my view, Eliot
is now bar mitzvahed.
-Pardon?
-If he did it, he did it.
In Jackson Street playground?
[speaking Hebrew] . Anywhere.
Mind you, he'd still better
see me in shul on Monday.
Mazel tov. You're a man, young man.
-How's it feel?
-Not much different, really.
-Bit more tired, that's all.
-[man rapping on table]
Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding
to receive your bar miztvah boy, Eliot!
[crowd clapping]
Accompanied by your host and hostess,
-Mr and Mrs Green with...
-[crowd clapping]
With their lovely daughter, Lesley.
-[crowd clapping]
-[crowd cheering]
["Congratulations" instrumental]
[crowd clapping to music]
[crowd clapping]
[crowd chattering]
-Well, thank God for that.
-For what?
For one terrible minute,
I thought he was gonna
walk right past the table
and out the bloody window.
[crowd chattering]
I thought the pineapple
was a bit odd, don't you?
-Victor!
-I'm busy.
Those that were there this
morning, when Eliot...
When he didn't...
They'll know that he never...
What are we gonna say happened?
You're a [speaking Hebrew].
You'll think of something.
-What, though?
-Rita, do me a favour.
Worry about.
[crowd chattering]
-Beans, madam?
-Yes, please.
[crowd chattering]
[crowd chattering muffling speech]
-Lovely. Okay, now.
-Smile.
-Smile!
-[camera clicking]
-Great.
-It's a wonderful thing.
A camera. All the
pictures, everybody happy.
You look at them, you remember.
-It's a wonderful thing.
-Wonderful.
Er, through a black plastic?
Through a black plastic.
-D'you like her hair?
-It's wonderful!
-Wonderful! Gypsy streaks
-[woman laughing]
D'you like it? I always said.
She looks marvellous.
[crowd chattering]
Eliot. Do you want my lokshen pudding?
-About you?
-It's fine.
Anyway, I can't eat anything.
I've got a cold sore.
-Pass your plate.
-Is it allowed?
-Why not?
-Well, etiquette, et cetera.
No such thing.
Only a ritual, really, isn't it?
That's all.
That's all, [speaking foreign language].
[crowd chattering]
[sophisticated jazz music]
[Grandad Wax] Well, you go in the spring.
-The spring, for Pesach.
-For Pesach?
That's a good idea. Very good idea.
-Israel, darling.
-Yes, yes. Wonderful.
-It's about time.
-Ah, miss, miss!
-Excuse me, miss!
-[cutlery clattering]
[crowd chattering]
Victor.
Again, she's here with her, "Victor."
Can you tell me why I worry about them?
The kids?
20 years from now,
they'll still be going their
own sweet way, happy, unhappy.
What difference?
And I'll have worried
myself into the grave.
20 years. Ha!
What am I talking about?
Five years, six months, any time.
Perhaps I should ask when
would be convenient for them.
Next Tuesday, maybe.
I'll leave Wednesday's
dinner on a low light.
[sophisticated music ending]
[announcer knocking]
Host, hostess, reverend sir,
ladies and gentlemen,
we pray silence for your
bar mitzvah boy, Eliot.
[crowd clapping]
My dear mother and father,
my dear sister, my dear grandfather.
Rabbi Sherman, relatives and friends.
On this day that marks my
passage from boyhood to manhood,
I'd like to thank you all
for the great honour
you have bestowed on me
by your presence at this dinner dance.
I shall cherish it all
my life without fail.
I would like to thank Rabbi Sherman also
for the patience he has bestowed on me
during the last year while preparing me
to learn the portion of the Law
which I had the honour to recite in the...
Which I had the honour to recite today.
He has been no end of a tower of strength
in no uncertain terms.
Most of all, I would like to
thank my dear mother and father
for the guidance, wisdom and love
which they have bestowed
on me during my boyhood.
Now that I'm a man, I'll follow
my dear father's example,
and that of my dear grandfather.
And last but not least,
that of my sister Lesley's
boyfriend, Harold,
living my life with truth,
industry and selfless devotion
according to the moral
teachings of the Talmud.
At the risk of repeating myself,
they've been no end of
a tower of strength,
in no uncertain terms.
I sincerely hope I'll
be a credit to them all,
that they will say of me
as Anthony did of Brutus
in Act V, Scene V, line 73.
"This was a man."
Thank you all for the wonderful presents
which you have bestowed on me,
which I'm extremely grateful for.
I trust you'll enjoy your evening,
not forgetting the dancing,
which is about to ensue,
as I feel sure you assuredly will.
-Thank you.
-[crowd clapping]
Ladies and gentlemen,
your bar mitzvah boy,
accompanied by his mother, your hostess,
and they'll take great
pleasure in opening the ball.
-[sophisticated music]
-[crowd clapping]
[announcer speaking, muffled by music]
[sophisticated music continues]
[sophisticated music fading]
-[sophisticated music ends]
-[crowd clapping]
[birds calling]
You lying bugger. You did!
-Ignore her.
-I am.
Maintain aloof silence.
He did, though, Squidge! Somebody did.
For your information,
I don't split on people in Geography.
I didn't know you had
any book under the desk,
let alone that one.
Well, somebody did.
Are we going swimming tomorrow, then?
-Tomorrow?
-Bloody tomorrow.
You know what tomorrow is, don't you?
Saturday.
Only the day that marks
my passage, isn't it?
-The what?
-Ah, hell, I forgot.
-What is it? What passage?
-Well, are you scared?
I was scared rigid at mine.
I made 16 mistakes in the Hebrew bit.
16 at least! Probably 25 or something.
And I forgot half my speech for reception.
Three quarters, nearly.
I missed out mentioning my
Uncle Gus and Auntie Merl,
my cousins from America.
I missed out everybody. I was deadly.
-See you Sunday, though.
-If you survive, mate.
[boys speaking foreign language]
[Girl] What's he mean, marks his passage?
Is it rude?
[Squidge] Something Jewish,
what Jewish boys do.
-You wouldn't understand.
-Sounds rude.
It's only me!
-[door clicking shut]
-[bag clattering]
[boy speaking foreign language]
[bottles clinking]
[fridge door slamming]
[boy speaking foreign language]
Anyone at home?
[boy speaking French]
[boy speaking foreign language]
Oh, whatever it is,
[speaking foreign language].
Naked women.
[boy speaking foreign language]
[boy speaking foreign language]
[telephone ringing]
-[door clicking shut]
-Eliot, are you in?
[Eliot] No!
-I've got my hands full.
-[telephone ringing]
Don't answer the phone, will you?
[Eliot] No.
[Lesley] Hello, Billiesmart
Circus, Lesley Green speaking.
Hello, Mum. So anyway, where are you?
-Well, where?
-Where?
That's an interesting question.
Is there any chance of an answer?
I'm still at Sylvia's.
Where else would I be?
-I'm not a magician!
-She's not a magician.
Listen, Mrs Mickler was
before me, and she was late.
What could I do?
With her abdomen and
suspected conjunctivitis,
I'm gonna fall out with the woman?
Listen, did you get the dry cleaning?
You know they're all lunatics in there.
They should have a sign outside.
"Lunatic Dry Cleaning Ltd."
-Did you get the cleaning?
-Yes.
Dad's suit won't be ready 'til Monday.
-Oh my god.
-Bad news. I hope I'm wrong.
-Then, they can't find it.
-But he needs it tomorrow.
Then, it must be at another branch.
-So you haven't got it?
-I've got it, I've got it!
I told you, they're all lunatics in there.
-It was there the whole time.
-Ugh. Listen, Lesley.
I'm gonna be a couple of hours yet.
-At least.
-At least.
Now, the brisket's in the oven.
-Yeah.
-Put it on a low light
to warm up, do a few potatoes with it
and open the tin of peas.
I'll be home before it's ready.
-Please, God.
-Please, God.
-And Lesley, listen.
-[Lesley humming]
Tell Eliot to go and have his hair cut.
His dad's there now having his,
so he'll see him there.
-And Lesley?
-Yeah?
Make him. Any arguing,
tell him no arguing.
Threaten. And listen, Lesley.
Hang up the dry cleaning in the wardrobe.
Not in the wardrobe, outside the wardrobe,
because of the chemicals.
-And if you've got a minute-
-Mother.
Where do I get a minute from?
I've been running all day.
If you've got a minute,
ring the caterer's.
-What for?
-Just, "Hello.
"Is that the caterer's?
"I'm speaking on behalf of Mrs Green.
"is everything all right for tomorrow?"
I'll be happier.
Mother, will you please stop panicking?
D'you wanna give me cold
sores at the dinner dance?
-What cold sores?
-You give me cold sores.
You know, every time I
put on an evening dress,
I have cold sores to match.
The Jewish Chronicle prints it
under Forthcoming Attractions.
"The Green family must be having a simhah.
"Lesley's got a lip full of cold sores."
[phone receiver clicking]
Cold sores, she's hucking me with?
[Eliot] Would you like to test me?
Could you rephrase that question?
Please will you please test me, please?
Like I've got nothing else to do.
Like I'm having such a good time.
-Not Hebrew. Something else!
-Eliot. Haircut, now.
My son, Eliot. He gets
bar mitzvahed tomorrow.
-You're having caterers?
-Levy's.
117 guests at 7.50 a head. [laughs]
Or 7.50 a tucchus, depending
on which way you look at it.
[women laughing]
If you're wondering where the
money's coming from, so am I.
And that's without lemon sorbet!
I'm having tips and streaks.
Go on, please!
[Eliot speaking French]
[Eliot speaking foreign language]
Please stop that. It gets on my nerves.
Stop what?
[Eliot speaking foreign language]
Look, it's not being clever, you know.
It's just showing your ignorance.
Nine times out of 10 you get it wrong.
Eliot, Dad's expecting you.
-He'll be worried!
-[Victor laughing]
It's not bad.
It's not bad, Charlie, not bad.
What do you want? Your usual?
The usual, he asks me,
like I'd better say no,
like I've been coming here for 30 years
having a bloody bubble cut or something.
-[Charlie laughing]
-[Victor speaking Hebrew]
-Right, you want your usual.
-Yeah, why not? Let's go mad.
Listen, I've got a very good one for you.
-Listen to this.
-[Victor humming]
[laughs] It kills me.
There's this Yiddish fella, you see.
Always has to be a Yiddish
fella, d'you notice?
-Can't be a bloody Peruvian.
-So listen.
This Yiddish fella's
walking down the street, so-
Hey, a bloody punter gets
in my cab this morning.
A Yank. Sunglasses, camera, big jacket.
The whole [speaking Hebrew].
Wants to go to Richmond.
So we've been going a couple of minutes,
no trouble, and he says,
"Won't take more than a
quarter of an hour, will it?"
To Richmond!
Like, I'm in Leicester Square, ain't I?
I said, "This is a cab, darling.
"You want a magic bloody carpet,
"I'll drop you off at Persian Airlines."
He says [speaking Yiddish].
"You can kiss mine!" I says.
He looks at me.
"Well, what do you know?" he says.
"Are you an American too?" [laughs]
Bloody nutter. [snorts]
I charged him 30p over the odds.
Go on, Lesley. Please, just once.
You'll never have to test
me on anything again.
Never in your whole life.
Look, you're not worried
about tomorrow, are you?
Here, from here.
Ready?
On your marks, get set, go.
And God spake these words,
saying "I am the Lord thy God
"who brought thee out
of the land of Egypt,
"out of the house of bondage.
"Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.
"Thou shalt not make
unto thee a graven image,
"nor the form of anything
that is in Heaven above
"or that is in the earth beneath,
"or that is in the water under the earth.
"Thou shalt not bow down thyself
unto them, nor serve them.
"For I the Lord thy God am a jealous God,
"visiting iniquity of the
fathers upon the children,
"upon the third and the fourth generation,
"unto them that hate me,
"and showing love and kindness
"to the thousandth generation,
"to them that love me
and keep my commandments.
"Thou shalt not take the name
of the Lord thy God in vain."
-Et cetera.
-Et cetera?
"Remember the Sabbath
day, to keep it holy."
Et cetera.
There's a lot of et
ceteras all of a sudden.
Well, you're busy.
-"Honour thy father and-"
-Look, Eliot.
Are you gonna have your hair cut?
I mean, it's not a
polite request, you know.
You like commandments?
-This is a commandment.
-"Thou shalt not murder.
"Thou shalt not commit adultery.
"Thou shalt not steal.
"Thou shalt not bear false witness.
"Thou shalt not covet
they neighbor's house,
"nor his wife, nor his manservant,
"nor his maidservant,
nor his ox, nor his ass,
"nor his Allegro 1300, nor
anything that is thy neighbor's."
The Allegro 1300's an
optional extra. Joke.
Well, I hope you're just not
gonna rattle on like that.
I mean, people will be watching, you know?
-What people?
-The whole family.
The congregation. Rabbi Sherman.
-Oh, people.
-Yeah. People.
[Lesley speaking French]. Populace.
What else is there? Giraffes?
No-one will be watching.
I don't say the Ten Commandments.
What?
They're not in my bar mitzvah.
Well, what the hell have
you learned them for, then?
♪ They know that when I dance ♪
[toy plane clattering]
♪ I didn't feel it ♪
♪ Love isn't with me at all ♪
[brassy, lively music]
[toy plane clattering]
[paper rustling]
[Victor slurping soup]
[cutlery clinking]
Horrible, isn't it?
The soup?
I just warmed it up. You cooked it.
My hair. It's ruined!
You could all say. I'm not sensitive.
-I look terrible.
-It's beautiful!
You look gorgeous.
-[Rita speaking Yiddish]
-[Harold speaking Yiddish]
-Victor?
-[Victor slurping soup]
-Victor!
-Hello.
-What do you think?
-What about?
Your honest opinion. You hate it.
-I don't mind.
-Good.
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
-My hair.
-What can I say? It's hair.
-But do you like it?
-It's done me no harm.
[Rita scoffing]
I've never seen it look so nice.
[Rita speaking Yiddish]
-He said that once!
-[speaking Yiddish]
Good.
She's coming to give it a comb out
first thing in the morning.
I'll ask her to take out the streaks.
That's what's so beautiful. The streaks.
-Ah, well. In that case.
-Fantastic. Really fantastic.
-Great.
-Mum. Nice?
A banquet, straight up.
-Tremendous.
-Mum?
It's lovely, darling.
You didn't warm the brisket
on too high a light,
-you don't think?
-It doesn't taste burned.
No! No, it's nice!
It's crispy. It's different.
Crispy.
-Dad?
-What.
Lesley wants to know. Nice dinner?
The whole bloody family's gone pot shop.
It's like a dinner. I'm eating it!
[Rita sighing]
[cutlery clattering]
-Stan and Dora Klein.
-What about them?
They didn't RSVP.
We don't know if they're
coming to the dinner dance.
-Victor!
-If they come, they come.
If they don't, they don't.
Confucius Cohen. Pass the salt.
But the seating plan, though.
It'll make ash and blotter
of the seating plan.
They should be on the
second table and it's full!
-Well, they're not relations.
-He's a doctor.
He expects it. [tuts]
[sighs] They'll give him a
beautiful present, though.
-They may not be coming.
-Yeah, but by the same token-
Rita, let me eat!
You'd think they'd RSVP.
A man in his position.
Perhaps they didn't get the invitation.
Perhaps they were in Bournemouth.
He's a doctor!
Perhaps he can't read decent writing.
Perhaps he couldn't
afford a stamp. Who can?
Was stamped already.
It was a stamped, addressed card.
-Was no expense spared.
-Rita.
For the first time in three months,
may I eat without hearing seating plans
and menus and caterers,
and "Do we tip the rabbi?"
And "Should we invite Miriam?"
And "What if it rains?"
And "Should I wear a long
dress or a short dress?"
And "Nothing will spoil it, will it?"
In the morning, he gets bar mitzvahed.
In the evening, we have the dinner dance,
and by Sunday it's all a dream.
Thank you, amen.
[cutlery clattering]
Do you think we should give her a bouquet?
-Not too dear.
-Who?
-Mrs Sherman.
-Is she anyone we know?
The rabbi's wife!
Certainly give her a bouquet.
I've never met the woman.
Give everybody a bouquet.
Plant trees for 'em in Israel!
It's already costing me
three insurance policies.
-Roll on Sunday.
-You want it over with.
The greatest honour of your life.
-You know what I mean.
-I'm afraid I don't.
Harold, do you know what he means?
Um.
Well, in a sense.
Um. Well, yes and no.
What he, i-in my view, well, doesn't mean-
She knows what I mean.
She knows what I mean even when I don't.
Hey, blabbermouth.
You gonna practise your speech tonight?
-Yeah.
-He'll practise his speech
like he went for a haircut.
-Didn't you like your dinner?
-Terrific.
-Apart from not eating it.
-Wasn't hungry.
And tomorrow morning,
before we go to shul,
-you'll get that hair cut.
-There won't be time!
Victor, he's not standing
in a beautiful synagogue
on the greatest day of his life
looking like Kojak.
-Kojak's bald.
-Not Kojak. The other one.
Which other one?
Oh, she picks me up on every little thing!
[Victor] Lesley, leave your mother alone.
If I don't do the worrying, who will?
Now what's she going on about?
See? Satisfied?
I thought it was a bar mitzvah tomorrow!
Thought I was supposed
to read the blessings
and the portion of the Law.
Be the guest of honour
at the dinner dance.
The Torah doesn't mention
it's a hairdressing contest.
Look, everybody just eat.
All week long I'm in bloody traffic jams.
Just eat!
[cutlery clattering]
[plates clattering]
-All right, then?
-Pardon?
-Everything all right?
-Yes, thanks.
[plates clattering]
Just sort of sitting and
staring a bit, are you?
I thought that was a woman's job.
Was that just a theory put
about by chauvinist pigs?
It happens to be a special
occasion, doesn't it?
I mean, everybody else is busy
driving each other barmy, aren't they?
You always do it. Always.
[Eliot speaking Latin]
Always? I hardly do it always.
I only come here Fridays.
"Always," he says.
Always on Fridays, you do it.
Our dad never does it.
Yeah, well, your dad's
your dad, isn't he?
I've seen him dry them once or twice.
They're even wetter after he dries.
He does it badly on purpose.
No-one talk, I can't hear anything.
[Lesley and Harold blowing kisses]
Look, haven't you got things to do?
A million! You must have!
She doesn't appreciate it, you know.
There's your speech to learn,
two lots of Hebrew, the blessings.
You think it's a mating
call, don't you? Washing up?
No other species of animals do it.
You don't see giraffes washing
up for female giraffes.
She won't suddenly show you
her knickers, et cetera.
-[water splashing]
-All right, Eliot.
Go and be comical elsewhere, okay?
Okay.
It's manners, isn't it?
I'm thanking your parents
for their hospitality.
It's a nice thing to do, pleasing people.
[tense music]
One. In morning,
[indistinct], ring caterers.
Two, prepare for shul.
Three, [indistinct] goes
on 'til after breakfast.
-Victor!
-Hello.
-Will you help me?
-Doing what?
-Showing interest!
-I'm showing, I'm showing.
It's everything we do.
If we're going on holiday,
if we're getting the decorators.
Whatever needs doing, it's me. Always me.
-If we need a plumber-
-All right, all right.
I'm watching something.
-Don't talk while I'm watching.
-[Rita scoffing]
Four. Still need to
give my hair a comb out.
Four A. Ask Sylvia
to give Eliot quick haircut.
-If time.
-If time.
There won't be.
Five, set off to synagogue.
Victor, is there petrol in the car?
We're not sitting in the garage
getting petrol in our best clothes.
There's petrol, there's petrol.
I thought we weren't supposed
to drive on the Sabbath.
I thought it was a sin.
I thought we were supposed to walk.
All right, all right.
You've made your point.
I thought that was covered
by the fourth commandment.
"Remember the Sabbath
day, to keep it holy."
So we'll park a couple
of streets from the shul
and walk the rest of the way.
Terrible thing. We won't be seen.
Won't we?
Oh, all the congregation do it.
I wasn't thinking of the congregation.
Well, other people couldn't care less-
I wasn't thinking of other people.
Eliot.
Can you try and sit on the chair
like a normal human being?
Is it too much to ask?
Dralon grows on trees?
[TV clamouring]
-Six. After service, return-
-Did he go?
What?
I've seen it before.
-[TV thudding]
-[TV] Ha!
That was a tour de force,
a real tour de force.
I said it.
-But you were a great help-
-[TV clicking off]
Thank you!
Eight quid a year licence fee I pay.
After service, it's home.
Eliot change clothes.
Hang suit up in wardrobe
ready for evening.
[wrapper rustling]
If you're hungry, why
didn't you eat your dinner?
I'm not.
[Rita] Then why are you eating sweets
and taking the enamel off your teeth?
I'm not. I'm just unwrapping it.
-What for?
-It's a new hobby.
[wrapper rustling]
-Eight. Ring caterers.
-[doorbell ringing]
Eliot, let your grandad in.
I've just got to go and learn my speech.
Like, all of a sudden?
First let him in. Then learn it.
[door clicking open]
-Good Shabbas, Mr Wax!
-Shabbas!
And how's the finest
solicitor you could wish for?
Accountant, actually.
Fine, Mr Wax. And how's your back?
There he is! The bar mitzvah boy! [laughs]
And how's the loveliest
grandson you could wish for?
-[kiss smacking]
-[Grandad Wax humming]
[Grandad Wax speaking Yiddish]
-Hello, Zaydeh.
-Hello, he says! [laughs]
So beautiful, like a [speaking Yiddish].
Can you think of anything I've missed out?
-No.
-I didn't see you think.
There was nothing to see.
-I'm an invisible thinker.
-Hey, young man!
Bar mitzvah boy.
You're not coming to sit
on your zaydeh's knee?
I've got to go and learn
my speech and my Hebrew.
[laughs] I could eat him! [laughs]
Don't get up, don't get up!
I'll have a cup of tea and
a piece of sponge cake,
but only if you're having.
-Good Shabbas.
-Good Shabbas, dad.
[Victor] Shabbas [speaking
Yiddish]. How's your back?
[Grandad Wax] Ah, who cares?
The doctors also have to live.
Listen, if the kids are
happy, you're happy.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're all happy, thank God.
I'm the happiest man in the world!
It's my happiness!
What should I do, cry?
Go on, say some cutting remark
regarded as brilliant in the B string.
I wasn't gonna say anything.
Nothing. [speaking foreign languages].
Good.
What do you think of Harold?
You know what I think of Harold.
[scoffs] What do you think of him?
We're nearly engaged, aren't we?
That's no answer.
Is the back of my hand an answer?
D'you reckon him?
We are nearly bloody engaged!
-D'you reckon Dad?
-Dad?
-Dad!
-Well, Dad's Dad, isn't he?
What's got into you?
-And d'you reckon Grandad?
-Of course.
Why? Por quoi? [speaking foreign language]
Sorry, missed the English one.
-Why?
-Why what?
Why d'you reckon them?
Well, that is a particularly
stupid question, isn't it?
Even from you.
Must be man mad.
-What about me?
-What about you?
[Eliot] My dear mother and father,
my dear sister, my dear grandfather,
Rabbi Sherman, relatives and friends.
On this day that marks my passage
from boyhood to manhood I
would like to thank you all
for the great honour that
you have bestowed on me
by your presence at this dinner dance.
I shall cherish it all
my life without fail.
I would like to thank Rabbi Sherman also
for the patience he has bestowed on me
during the last year while preparing me
to learn the portion of the Law
which I had the honour to
recite in the synagogue today.
He has been no end of a tower of strength
in no uncertain terms.
Most of all, I would like to thank
my dear mother and father
for the guidance, wisdom and love
which they bestowed on me in my boyhood.
[paper rustling]
Now that I am a man, I'll
follow my dear father's example
and that of my dear grandfather.
And last but not...
Last but not least, that of my...
My sister Lesley's boyfriend, Harold.
Living my life with truth,
industry and selfless devotion
according to the moral
teachings of the Talmud.
At the risk of repeating myself,
there have been no end
of paternal strength
in no uncertain terms.
I sincerely hope I'll
be a credit to them all
and that they will say of
me as Brutus did of Anthony,
Act V, Scene V, line 73.
"This was a man."
Thank you...
Thank you all for the presents
which you have bestowed on...
[paper rustling]
Thank you all for the wonderful presents
which you have bestowed on me
for which I am extremely grateful for.
I hope you enjoy your evening,
not forgetting the dancing
which is about to ensue,
as I feel sure you assuredly will.
-Thank you.
-[paper rustling]
[Victor] They've a right to march?
They've got a right to march?
[Harold] They've a right
to march. It's legal.
Legal? Course it's legal.
So's pneumonia. 20 minutes
I was held up, mate!
With an empty bloody cab!
Listen, the way I look at it...
Call me an intellectual if you must.
Everybody should make just
enough to be comfortable.
[Victor] Do you know how much
that comes to, on the clock?
Well, you're the accountant round here.
In that way, there's no marches,
no strikes, everybody's happy!
Go on, then. I'm the trade unionist.
[Harold] I'm the true blue.
They're your brothers.
That's my solution.
But my mazel.
I'm not prime minister.
[family speaking, muffled]
[Victor] Nor are you.
How you can be a Tory beats me.
You're not supposed to feel
sorry for people, Harold!
You're not supposed to care
about working conditions.
[scoffs] You'd get drunk
with a communist, you would.
[family speaking, muffled]
He beats me altogether. A Yiddish fella.
When I was a lad,
they gave you your Labour
Party membership card
the minute you were circumcised.
They give you with one hand,
take away with the other.
There's two sides to every story, Victor.
Right. Well, whose side are you on?
Our entry to it is naked and bare.
Our journey through it
is trouble and care.
Our exit from it is God knows where.
So if we're all right here,
we're all right there!
[fabric rustling]
[Rita scoffing]
-Perfect. Perfect.
-[plastic rustling]
[hums] I'll put a new crease
in your dad's trousers.
They just came back from the cleaner's.
I know.
But you said they were perfect!
[Rita] I like a crease to be a crease.
I can't help it. It's my nature.
I'll do them when I'm doing Eliot's.
Mine haven't even come from the cleaner's.
Mine are new. It's a new suit.
They don't need pressing.
For Burton's window they
don't need pressing.
[Rita sighing]
Which tie do you think for your dad?
Not for me, you notice,
but I have to choose.
He'd rather sit on his behind
watching television and arguing.
Me! [scoffs] I have the headaches.
Me, I have the cold sores.
[Rita humming]
Nothing. I didn't speak.
Cold sores. "Cold sores," she says.
Thank you.
A splitting headache
I've had for six month,
and she says, "Cold sores."
[Victor] Rita! Brian's going now!
I'll see you tomorrow then, Pop.
Mind the roads. God bless!
-Cheerio, Zaydeh.
-You're going to be
the belle of the ball
tomorrow, [speaking Yiddish].
-Who else?
-Eliot, grandad's going now.
Night, Zaydeh.
[Grandad Wax] Do I get a big kiss
from the loveliest boy you could wish for?
I'm just studying at the moment, Zaydeh.
[laughs] [indistinct]
Speeches! I could eat you!
[laughs] Okay, okay.
See you tomorrow, everybody!
[Harold] A real pleasure to
have seen you again, Mr Wax.
-Mazel tov, [indistinct]!
-Goodnight, dad.
[door clicking shut]
[Lesley] Night night, then, love.
[Harold] I've hardly seen you all evening.
[Lesley] Well, we'll
see each other tomorrow.
No. Well, not just the two of us.
-No. 117.
-[both laughing softly]
-Ah! Hair.
-Sorry.
-[Lesley exclaiming]
-Nail polish. [laughing]
-Well. Thanks for dinner.
-Pleasure, Harold.
Fantastic.
As long as I was of some help.
-Help?
-Well, washing up.
Not that it's any trouble.
And polishing Eliot's shoes for tomorrow,
and one of your dad's.
Well, it's all in the family, isn't it?
Or soon will be.
Putting the dishes away.
I don't mind. It's no trouble to me.
Making the tea. Fixing the sponge cake.
-You're very sweet.
-Am I?
Hey! What about my beauty
sleep, then? [laughs]
-Sorry.
-Don't apologise, Harold.
-Sorry.
-Harold!
-Night, then.
-Night.
-Love you.
-Love you.
-[Harold blowing kiss]
-[Lesley blowing kiss]
[door slamming]
-Night, everybody.
-Goodnight, Eliot!
[Lesley] Goodnight, Eliot.
Goodnight, son.
I've thought of an element of humour
for my speech at the dinner.
In conclusion, may I
say that for a father,
his son's bar mitzvah is
the most beautiful service
seen in a synagogue.
Very nice.
-Not that I go all that much.
-You're not saying that.
Well, as Rabbi Sherman once said to me,
"I don't often see you
"in the synagogue very often, Mr Green."
And as I replied,
"I don't see you driving a cab
very often, Rabbi Sherman."
-You can't say that!
-[laughing] Then,
wait for the laughter
to die down, and I say,
but today, I wouldn't
have missed for the world.
Thank you.
-[Lesley knocking]
-You asleep?
-Yes.
-Can I come in?
[Eliot] No.
Hello, horrible.
Shouldn't you be having beauty sleep?
-Have you given up hope?
-Ha, ha.
Hey, how'd you like every
evening to be like this one, hey?
Not a lot.
-How was school today?
-All right.
Did Squidge find out you
nicked his pocket calculator?
He thinks it was expletive deleted.
-Who?
-The maths teacher.
-You all right, our kid?
-Yes, thanks.
Merci. Gracias.
It always happens. The panic.
Even in normal families.
It's a big day for them.
The biggest in their lives.
Probably bigger for
them than it is for you.
-Soon be over.
-Yeah.
Well. Try to get some sleep.
And don't just lie
there thinking about it.
And no dreaming either, by order,
except for cricket, football
or Olivia Newton-John.
Still is Olivia Newton-John, isn't it?
-Pan's People.
-What, all of them?
Most of 'em.
See you in the morning, horrible.
[Eliot] See you.
Where the hell 13 years go to, eh?
13 years. Now you see him, now you don't.
[laughs] Skinny little kid,
rubbing poached egg in the carpet.
-[speaking Yiddish]
-[Victor laughing]
Can't be more than five minutes
since I bought him a scooter
for being vaccinated.
-That was Lesley.
-Dear God, was it?
For going to the dentist's.
[Victor yawning]
You'll never need six hankies.
You'll need five of them. [laughs]
Not done too bad, have we, all told?
Since our Bethnal Green days.
Not bad.
No shul for you on a
Saturday in them days.
[scoffs] West Ham United, yes.
-[fabric rustling]
-[light switch clicking]
[dustbin clanging]
[Rita sighing]
[groans] I'll give the worrying a rest.
-That's the idea.
-[Rita sighing]
I can't think of anything I've missed out.
[Victor] No.
I've taken a Valium.
[Victor] Good.
[Rita sighing]
[footsteps clicking]
[switches clicking]
Morning, Wilfred. Good Shabbas.
Morning, Rabbi Sherman.
Oh. Have you had a cup of coffee?
It was only one spoonful.
I finished it off.
-I didn't think-
-No, no, no, no. Fine.
-I wasn't hinting.
-No, I know.
I meant had you had.
Hello? Mrs Levy?
Levy's, the caterers?
Good morning. Mrs Green speaking.
May I speak to Mr Levy, please?
[hissing] Ooh!
Listen, you want to look beautiful,
you've got to suffer a little.
It's human nature. I apologise.
My fault. It's my fault.
Victor, there's blood on your chin.
-I like blood on my chin.
-Eliot! Are you ready?
We're moving out of the house now!
We're on the doorstep.
Lesley, I'm not sure about
that colour eyeshadow.
There again, I'm not Mary Quant.
And then again, you're not wearing it.
-Will you keep still?
-Keep still.
I'm keeping still.
What am I doing, the 400 metres hurdles?
-I'm keeping still!
-All right, all right!
Well, what am I doing?
The 400 metres hurdles or something?
Hello? Mr Levy?
Good morning. Mrs Green speaking.
Just ringing to say
hello, really. [laughs]
No, nothing! No...
Just that my husband wanted to know
if everything was in order.
Yes, certainly there's no
reason it shouldn't be.
Yes. Er, yes.
Yeah, I-I'll tell him.
-Thank you. Good Shabbas.
-[phone clicking]
Eliot! Your dad's starting the car.
-Oh.
-Tell him what?
-What?
-I'll tell him, you said.
What do you want to tell me?
-I've never met the fella.
-What? Oh.
They've been established since 1912
and they haven't had any complaints yet.
-[laughs] Usual business.
-[phone clicking]
Right. It's all done.
Really?
Unless you suddenly decide to go blonde,
in which case I'll kill myself.
-[Rita laughing]
-[gasps] Delightful.
Believe me, I am my own worst enemy.
-Believe me.
-So what do I owe you?
[Sylvia] It's my bar
mitzvah present to Eliot.
-Oh, Sylvia, you mustn't!
-But it's my pleasure!
I wouldn't dream...
Victor!
Did you hear what Sylvia said?
-We couldn't possibly!
-I heard, I heard. Thank you.
Oh. Eliot!
Your dad and Lesley
are waiting in the car!
-If you don't come now-
-My cuff links!
[Rita] I left them out
for you on the tallboy.
I couldn't do the right
one with my left hand.
It wouldn't go!
The shirt's stiff. The hole wouldn't open.
You look beautiful! A little mensch!
There. Well, what d'you say?
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
My gloves. My handbag.
I've got everything. Crocodile.
-Oh, it's lovely.
-Not real.
-No.
-A mail order.
-Ooh!
-Nice. Victor, you ready?
Your, where's your tallis bag?
-Eliot? And your capel?
-Inside.
Excuse me, do I have time to emigrate?
Another day. Tomorrow.
-I'll come with you.
-Thank you.
-Well, you ready?
-I'm ready, I'm ready.
-Have you taken a Valium?
-I've got, I've got.
In my handbag, I've got.
Thank you very much, Sylvia.
-Go on, Victor!
-Well, come on.
-Sylvia-
-[group clamouring]
-You'll see Sylvia later.
-See you later, yes!
[Lesley] Keep your hands
out of your pockets!
[Eliot] All right.
-We're not going in the cab.
-What difference?
You said Richard Falmore was
gonna lend you his Consort!
He was. Now it's being serviced.
-You know what he's like.
-Victor, for God's sake!
It's his bar mitzvah!
For his wedding, it'll be different.
[gasps] Thank you very much.
I'll worry about that next week.
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!
-[Rita yelling, muffled]
-Worry, worry, worry.
[engine revving]
Ooh. Careful.
[children yelling]
[brakes squeaking]
Victor! Have you gone mad?
Habit. Force of habit.
-It can happen!
-Did you...
Did you see what he did?
Oh, the heart!
[footsteps clicking]
-Okay.
-They're here?
They're here.
Ah. [clapping] What can
you say about perfection?
-[Harold speaking Hebrew]
-[group clamouring]
-All right!
-[group clamouring]
-Hold it! Goodness' sake.
-Shake hands with Zaydeh.
-Yeah, look-
-Oh, what a boy.
-It's the bar mitzvah boy.
-[Grandad Wax laughing]
Mazel! [laughs]
-How's your back?
-Oh, who cares?
[echo obscuring speech]
If the kinder, bless 'em,
are happy, you're happy.
If you're happy, I'm happy!
If you're all happy, then God,
I'm the happiest man in the world!
It's my happiness! What should I do, cry?
[footsteps echoing]
[hazzan reciting in Hebrew]
[hazzan and congregation
singing in Hebrew]
[Harold] Haven't you got things to do?
A million. You must have.
There's your speech to learn,
two lots of Hebrew, the blessings.
[Lesley] Well, I hope you're just
not gonna rattle on like that.
I mean, people will be watching, you know.
-What people?
-Well, family.
The congregation. Rabbi Sherman.
-Oh, people.
-Yeah, people.
What else is there? Giraffes?
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[men singing in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Sherman] Then comes the big moment.
The moment when the hazzan calls you up.
He'll call your name in Hebrew.
You'll rise in a dignified manner,
walk up the steps, and
stand there beside him,
and you'll sing in loud, clear Hebrew
everything you've learned.
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[Rita] I'll put a new crease
in your dad's trousers.
[Lesley] They've just come
back from the cleaner's!
[Rita] I know.
[Lesley] But you said they were perfect!
[Rita] I like a crease to be a crease.
I can't help it. It's my nature.
If I don't do the worrying, who will?
[Lesley] Now what's she going on about?
[Rita] The seating plan, though.
It'll make ash and blotter
of the seating plan.
They should be on the
second table and it's full!
-They're not relations.
-Well, he's a doctor!
-He expects it.
-[men singing in Hebrew]
[Victor] Give everybody a bouquet.
Plant trees for 'em in Israel.
It's already costing me
three insurance policies.
Roll on Sunday.
[Rita] You want it over with.
The greatest honour of your life.
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Sherman] First,
the hazzan will call your grandfather up
to the reading of the Law.
It's a mitzvah in your honour.
[Grandad Wax reciting in Hebrew]
[congregation responding in Hebrew]
[Grandad Wax] Ha!
How's the loveliest
grandson you could wish for?
[hums] I could eat him!
Hey, young man! Bar mitzvah boy!
You're not coming to sit
on your zaydeh's knee?
[Grandad Wax reciting Hebrew]
[congregation responding in Hebrew]
[hazzan reading in Hebrew]
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Sherman] Then again in your honour,
the hazzan will call your father up
to the reading of the Law.
[Victor reading in Hebrew]
[Victor] May I eat without
hearing seating plans
and menus and caterers
and "Do we tip the rabbi?"
And "Should we invite Miriam?"
And "What if it rains?"
And "Should I wear a long
dress or a short dress?"
And "Nothing will spoil it, will it?"
In the morning he gets bar mitzvahed,
in the evening we have the dinner dance,
and by Sunday it's all a dream.
[hazzan singing in Hebrew]
[Lesley] It always happens. The panic.
Even in normal families.
It's a big day for them.
The biggest in their lives.
Probably bigger for
them than it is for you.
[hazzan reciting in Hebrew]
[Rabbi Sherman] Then comes the big moment.
The moment when the hazzan calls you up.
You'll rise in a dignified manner,
walk up the steps and
stand there beside him,
and you'll sing in loud, clear Hebrew
everything you've learned.
That's your big moment, Eliot.
[crowd gasping]
[tense, choppy music]
[footsteps clicking]
[footsteps clicking]
[footsteps clicking]
[lively, sharp music]
[sighs] Ai, ai, ai, ai.
[man muttering in Hebrew]
[door clicking shut]
-[sighs] Well. Good Shabbas.
-Good Shabbas.
-Have you had a cup?
-It's sweet tea.
Very sweet, for medicinal purposes.
I didn't think you'd want any.
No, I didn't.
[Rabbi Sherman sighing]
Well, now.
What usually happens in cases like this?
There are no cases like this.
[sighs] There's no such thing!
[china clinking]
-Would you like a Valium?
-In mum's handbag.
-Would you like one?
-There's none left.
[Eliot knocking]
[door clicking open]
[Eliot] Can I have a haircut, please?
[Charlie] Closed.
[Eliot] I've come for
one because I want to,
not because anybody else wants me to,
and I don't come when
everybody else wants me to.
It's a rule.
When it says closed, I'm closed,
so that's another rule.
Saturday's the Jewish Sunday, pal.
Shabbas. Day of prayer.
[door clicking shut]
Right. Now, where was I?
Let's get on with it.
Oh, yes.
All, right, I'll see you for 20p, Moishe.
-[bowl clattering]
-[Grandad Wax sighing]
-I've got no appetite.
-Well, of course you have.
It'll give you one.
How can anyone eat with a broken heart?
Practise makes perfect. Sorry.
-[Grandad Wax sniffing]
-Shh, shh, shh.
C'mon, try a little soup.
-Lesley...
-Tomato sauce or brown sauce?
On the wurst?
-I've been looking forward.
-I know. We all had.
I, I bought him a watch for
his bar mitzvah present.
-Shockproof [indistinct].
-Or mustard?
-Lesley.
-What?
-What'd you say his name was?
-Erm, Squidge.
Eliot always calls him Squidge.
Squidge what, for Christ's sake?
I mean, if his father answers,
I've never met the fella.
-How can I-
-Squidge Perlman. Perlman.
And, and is Squidge his real...
Oh, er, good afternoon Mrs Perlman.
I'm, er, I'm sorry to trouble you.
Is Eliot Green there, please?
Squidge's pal?
Sorry, you believe what?
I see. Thank you.
[phone clattering]
She believes it's his bar mitzvah today.
[scoffs] Now what? Who else?
Lesley, I'll murder him, I will.
I've spent 13 years bringing him up,
and now I've done it,
I'll bloody strangle him.
Lesley, would your mother prefer
tomato sauce, brown sauce or mustard?
Or none of them?
Doesn't he pal out with
that Morris Donner's lad?
-What's his name?
-Stuart?
Stuart! Stuart!
Er, where...
Where's he live? What's his number?
He hasn't palled out with Stuart
since they were six years old,
seeing who could wee the highest.
'Scuse me! 'Scuse me.
Man at work.
♪ Always playing clean ♪
♪ He plays by intuition ♪
-I've run away.
-From home?
-No. Just away.
-Why?
-Where are you going now?
-Home. It's mince cutlets.
I hate mince cutlets.
I'm vegetarian, but they won't believe me.
Been vegetarian for over a fortnight.
How do you fancy a picnic instead?
An open-air picnic.
A mouthful.
Try one mouthful.
No.
It's bean and barley. Your favourite.
You cooked it.
And a wurst sandwich.
-Victor.
-I'm on the phone.
-Victor, come here.
-[Harold sighing]
All the months of...
The expense!
Who's ever heard of a Jewish
boy not getting bar mitzvahed?
It's something you don't hear of.
I mean, you're his mother.
You could have a heart attack.
You could lie there and
have a heart attack.
I mean, Mr Wax isn't a young man.
She started sweating again?
Victor.
At this moment, on their
way, are 117 guests.
Sitting on the train, in cars,
queuing for buses, all on their way.
At half past six, Victor,
117 people from Bournemouth,
from Manchester,
Leeds and Glasgow, from
Birmingham, everywhere,
are going to turn up at
the Reuben Shulman Hall
expecting a dinner dance.
All dressed up.
Your Uncle Zalman.
My cousin Freda.
Your brother we don't
talk about from Cardiff.
-Don't upset yourself.
-117 people.
117 portions of chopped liver.
117 mushroom vol au vents.
117 chicken with croquette
potatoes and helzel.
French beans and coleslaw.
117 lockshen cuggles.
A four-piece band.
No bar mitzvah boy.
No bar mitzvah. No nothing.
-Don't upset yourself.
-So tell me how do we cancel?
How do we stop trains and cars
and tell everyone to go home again?
Do we stand on the M1 with a noticeboard?
Do we stand outside
the Reuben Shulman Hall
and tell them Eliot's gone for a walk
and they've got no dinner?
We ring Levy's and tell them
we accidentally made a
mistake, it was next year?
What do we say?
Do we go? Do we turn up?
Do we ever show our face again?
Victor. [sobbing]
You're a clever man.
You read the newspapers.
You argue politics. Tell me.
I'd like to know.
Shall I ring the police again?
Perhaps a piece of sponge cake?
[Eliot] Once you've said the
prayers in the synagogue,
you're a grown man.
That's the supposed intention.
It's the day that marks your passage
from boyhood to manhood.
So that's the passage. Ah, I see.
Mind you, the day my mum
took me to get my first bra.
Well, that night, I
cried all night in bed.
It's nothing standing up, saying prayers.
Christian girls have a far
worse day ahead of them
before they're grown up.
I said, Christian girls have
a far worse day ahead of them,
of an intimate nature.
I'll probably never get
over it, personally.
It comes as this sudden shock,
but you needn't be frightened.
Then you're a woman official.
-I'm going now.
-Now?
You get on my nerves, actually.
Does Squidge know you're here?
-No-one does.
-Is it a secret?
Well, obviously.
-[door clicking open]
-Well, thank you, Rabbi.
-Listen.
-Very good of you.
-Upstairs?
-Yes.
-[Grandad Wax sighing]
-The Rabbi's here.
-She's that bad?
-He wanted to come.
He'll make everything all right, maybe.
How?
[Rita sobbing]
There, now.
No news from the police, I imagine?
-[Rita sobbing]
-I'll make you a cup of tea.
No thank you, darling.
-I'll make if I want.
-It's not for you.
It's for Rabbi Sherman.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Hello. Is that Eliot's mother?
His sister. Who's that?
If you want Eliot, he's at
Jackson Street playground.
This is someone he split
on at school yesterday
who prefers to remain anonymous.
Yours sincerely, a well-wisher.
[phone clicking]
-Are you going out?
-Shan't be long.
[Harold] Shall I go for you?
[Rita] Well, what's happening?
Lesley's just popped out a minute.
I don't know where.
I'd have gone for her
if she'd have wanted.
-I offered!
-First him, now her.
It's like the exodus from bloody Egypt.
Er, no disrespect.
Life. You try. [sighs]
You do your best.
It's not easy.
Listen. If it was easy...
[Grandad Wax sighing]
It always has been.
It always will be. [groans]
-What can you do?
-[Grandad Wax slurping tea]
[birds singing]
[footsteps clicking]
[footsteps clicking]
I should always wear it, if I was you.
It's a hell of an improvement.
[Lesley sighing]
Having a terrific time, are you?
We've had a terrific time.
We went to the synagogue.
It was a good laugh.
Pity you couldn't stay.
Listen, nutcase. There
are two alternatives.
Either we talk, or I smash your face in.
It's entirely up to you.
In a minute, there'll be one alternative.
-Are they upset?
-Upset?
-Are they?
-Oh, brilliant.
No, they're having a bloody singsong.
Eliot, for God's sake.
The most important day of their lives!
-Well?
-Did go for a haircut.
-You what?
-Didn't have one, though.
You went for a bar mitzvah
and you didn't have one of those, either!
Is that why you left?
To go for a sodding haircut?
-Course not.
-Well, why, then?
Why, Eliot?
I don't think I'm old
enough to be bar mitzvahed.
You're 13. That's the age.
I don't think I've got the qualifications.
What qualifications?
The only qualification is to be 13.
All you have to do is
to breathe for 13 years
and avoid the traffic.
Now, what the hell are you talking about?
[Boy] Oy, missus. Can
we have our ball back?
Eliot, every Jewish
boy gets bar mitzvahed.
Every single one for thousands of years!
5,736.
5,736. Everybody!
Dad did it. Grandad, Harold.
They're not men, Lesley.
That's the whole point.
If that's being a man, I
don't want to be one, do I?
It's no good pretending I did.
Well, what are they then? [laughs]
If they're not men? Giraffes?
[Boy] Hey, missus? Oi,
cloth ears, [indistinct].
Dad's a man, Eliot.
If he was my age and behaved like he does,
he'd get a clip round the ear.
He acts like a kid.
Howard acts like a
baby. Grandad is a baby.
That's what you think, is it?
I'm not saying they're the only ones.
That's the trouble. It's every-
Yeah, well, I'll tell you what I think.
It's all an excuse.
You ran away because you were scared.
You thought you'd get it wrong.
You thought you'd make nudnik of yourself.
You were chicken.
Lesley, I could do it standing on my head.
-Prove it.
-Look, all I'm saying-
They're babies?
They all did what you couldn't.
It didn't work, though, did it?
-Bar mitzvahs don't work.
-They tried,
and they're still bloody trying.
It's more than you did,
and they're babies?
You're a liar, Eliot.
The whole thing's an excuse
and you're just a bloody liar!
Could do it standing on my head.
[footsteps clicking]
[Eliot reciting in Hebrew]
[Eliot reciting in Hebrew]
Why me? Why pick on me?
What d'you mean, I'm a great
help, I always have been?
You're his father.
So what am I supposed to do?
Oh. Oh, I'm stick of arguing.
-I can't argue any more.
-I do my bloody share, Rita!
A share of shouting, yes.
That, you're good at. Ha!
A big man. The [speaking Hebrew].
Shouting and bawling but never doing.
Never, since I've known you!
-Doing what?
-Anything.
Oh. I go out every day and play, don't I?
Twiddling my thumbs.
The rent pays itself. Clothes, food.
I don't know what else I'm supposed to do,
for crying out loud!
I know you don't.
[Eliot reciting in Hebrew]
Can I do it the right way up now?
[Rita and Victor arguing, muffled]
[Grandad Wax snoring]
[pots smashing]
[snorts] Mazel tov!
[Eliot reciting in Hebrew]
[door slamming]
Harold, am I right or am I wrong?
-What?
-Who's right?
[Victor] What's it got to do with him?
-Nothing!
-Sticking his bloody oar in.
-Harold.
-Erm. Well.
Well...
Actually, it's not really for me to say.
It is if I ask you.
-You have my permission.
-And mine. Go on.
-Who's right?
-Well.
In some respects, there
seems to be some truth-
-Which respects?
-Not all. I didn't say all.
Which, which?
Well, speak. For once in
your life, upset someone.
Well, actually, in many respects,
you're both right.
I think there's a lot to be said for,
erm, for what you both said.
I agree with you both.
-Wholeheartedly.
-Amen.
-I said amen.
-Amen.
Told you I could do it.
[Lesley] [hums] Mazel tov.
-I said mazel tov.
-Thanks.
Want to take some enamel off your teeth?
I'd have said it even better
with the scroll in front of me.
You're not expected to know it by heart.
-I was good, wasn't I?
-It's all Chinese to me.
-I was pretty good.
-Shame, then, isn't it?
What is?
Well, you could've been the first one.
The first man ever, seeing
as there are no others.
It's all right saying it. It's keeping it.
I mean, the Ten Commandments
must be a pig to start with.
They've all said it.
They probably all meant it.
At the time, anyway, at their bar mitzvah.
I mean, that's hard,
but I expect it gets even harder.
Probably gets harder
and harder as you go on.
There's the rub.
Well. I think what you did
was the hardest of all.
-Not getting bar mitzvahed.
-Why?
[Lesley] The most grown up, anyway.
That wasn't the intended intention.
I know. Hard luck.
Do you think I'm probably
a man already, then?
I think you're well on your way.
Wow. It's a bit bloody scary.
Why d'you think they make
such a tzimmes of it?
And there's no need to swear.
-Think I feel a bit sick.
-Come home. Join the club.
Would that be grown up? Going home again?
Very.
Expect I'll have to tell
a few lies, won't I?
I'll tell the lies.
I've had the practise.
I've been grown up for years.
[footsteps clicking]
-He was worried.
-He was worried?
You were bloody worried?
Worried about your mother
dying of a broken heart?
[laughs] Thank you! Chutzpah!
You broke it!
People here were worried about that.
Did you know that?
I mean, your poor mother
and your grandfather!
You do arithmetic at school, do you?
Do you know how much
the Reuben Shulman Hall
costs at 7.50 a head?
-117 heads?
-He had his reasons.
He thought he had his reasons.
He's only a kid. He was
worried, that's all.
Worried you couldn't remember
what you've learned, Eliot?
-The Hebrew?
-Not that.
He knows that backwards.
Well, upside down. He did it.
Did what?
-The lot.
-Word for word.
What do you mean, he did it?
He walked out! I was there!
With my apricot ruched
hat on, I was there!
-Kvelling!
-He did it for me
in the kids' playground.
-He recited his bar mitzvah?
-Word perfect.
You really do put the
boot in, don't you, mate?
Well, next time we have a bar mitzvah,
move the shul to the kids' playground!
Ring MacAlpines, get an estimate!
So what were you worried
about, [speaking Hebrew]?
Well, he thought...
He thought he couldn't be a man.
The sort of man he'd expect.
Men like you and dad, and Harold.
Eliot.
Barmpot!
To you, I seem like a hero.
It's only natural.
Natural, but stupid!
I'm not all that wonderful.
I've got faults.
Little ones, maybe, but I've got 'em.
Sometimes I've been a bit
of a [speaking Hebrew].
When I was younger, perhaps.
I wasn't always perfect.
-Nor Zaydeh here!
-Course not.
Fine man, but not every second of the day.
And Harold! A fine boy!
A [speaking Hebrew], certainly,
but sometimes, not often, a
bit of a [speaking Hebrew].
-Now and then.
-We've all got little faults.
You just haven't noticed them, that's all,
because we've learned to hide them
in the fullness of time.
[stammering] Mr Green. Mrs Green.
[inhales] There's a prayer we say in shul.
-A prayer for mourners.
-No-one's died. Who's died?
-It begins [speaking Hebrew].
-Oh, yes?
Now, it means, "May the
Almighty comfort you."
-Oh, yes.
-The point is,
[speaking Hebrew] means place,
meaning every place, meaning
everywhere, meaning God.
God means anywhere. Everywhere.
Synagogue, bedroom, battlefield.
A playground.
You did the full portion, Eliot?
-Yes.
-Everything?
I got stuck on [speaking Hebrew]
in the bit about Abraham in the cave,
but I went back and got it right.
Now, the thing is, for
what I'm going to say,
I may get a few nasty memos from high up.
From fairly high up. [laughs]
But not from as high up
as God, I don't think.
Well, what are you gonna say?
What I'm going to say is,
that in my view, Eliot
is now bar mitzvahed.
-Pardon?
-If he did it, he did it.
In Jackson Street playground?
[speaking Hebrew] . Anywhere.
Mind you, he'd still better
see me in shul on Monday.
Mazel tov. You're a man, young man.
-How's it feel?
-Not much different, really.
-Bit more tired, that's all.
-[man rapping on table]
Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding
to receive your bar miztvah boy, Eliot!
[crowd clapping]
Accompanied by your host and hostess,
-Mr and Mrs Green with...
-[crowd clapping]
With their lovely daughter, Lesley.
-[crowd clapping]
-[crowd cheering]
["Congratulations" instrumental]
[crowd clapping to music]
[crowd clapping]
[crowd chattering]
-Well, thank God for that.
-For what?
For one terrible minute,
I thought he was gonna
walk right past the table
and out the bloody window.
[crowd chattering]
I thought the pineapple
was a bit odd, don't you?
-Victor!
-I'm busy.
Those that were there this
morning, when Eliot...
When he didn't...
They'll know that he never...
What are we gonna say happened?
You're a [speaking Hebrew].
You'll think of something.
-What, though?
-Rita, do me a favour.
Worry about.
[crowd chattering]
-Beans, madam?
-Yes, please.
[crowd chattering]
[crowd chattering muffling speech]
-Lovely. Okay, now.
-Smile.
-Smile!
-[camera clicking]
-Great.
-It's a wonderful thing.
A camera. All the
pictures, everybody happy.
You look at them, you remember.
-It's a wonderful thing.
-Wonderful.
Er, through a black plastic?
Through a black plastic.
-D'you like her hair?
-It's wonderful!
-Wonderful! Gypsy streaks
-[woman laughing]
D'you like it? I always said.
She looks marvellous.
[crowd chattering]
Eliot. Do you want my lokshen pudding?
-About you?
-It's fine.
Anyway, I can't eat anything.
I've got a cold sore.
-Pass your plate.
-Is it allowed?
-Why not?
-Well, etiquette, et cetera.
No such thing.
Only a ritual, really, isn't it?
That's all.
That's all, [speaking foreign language].
[crowd chattering]
[sophisticated jazz music]
[Grandad Wax] Well, you go in the spring.
-The spring, for Pesach.
-For Pesach?
That's a good idea. Very good idea.
-Israel, darling.
-Yes, yes. Wonderful.
-It's about time.
-Ah, miss, miss!
-Excuse me, miss!
-[cutlery clattering]
[crowd chattering]
Victor.
Again, she's here with her, "Victor."
Can you tell me why I worry about them?
The kids?
20 years from now,
they'll still be going their
own sweet way, happy, unhappy.
What difference?
And I'll have worried
myself into the grave.
20 years. Ha!
What am I talking about?
Five years, six months, any time.
Perhaps I should ask when
would be convenient for them.
Next Tuesday, maybe.
I'll leave Wednesday's
dinner on a low light.
[sophisticated music ending]
[announcer knocking]
Host, hostess, reverend sir,
ladies and gentlemen,
we pray silence for your
bar mitzvah boy, Eliot.
[crowd clapping]
My dear mother and father,
my dear sister, my dear grandfather.
Rabbi Sherman, relatives and friends.
On this day that marks my
passage from boyhood to manhood,
I'd like to thank you all
for the great honour
you have bestowed on me
by your presence at this dinner dance.
I shall cherish it all
my life without fail.
I would like to thank Rabbi Sherman also
for the patience he has bestowed on me
during the last year while preparing me
to learn the portion of the Law
which I had the honour to recite in the...
Which I had the honour to recite today.
He has been no end of a tower of strength
in no uncertain terms.
Most of all, I would like to
thank my dear mother and father
for the guidance, wisdom and love
which they have bestowed
on me during my boyhood.
Now that I'm a man, I'll follow
my dear father's example,
and that of my dear grandfather.
And last but not least,
that of my sister Lesley's
boyfriend, Harold,
living my life with truth,
industry and selfless devotion
according to the moral
teachings of the Talmud.
At the risk of repeating myself,
they've been no end of
a tower of strength,
in no uncertain terms.
I sincerely hope I'll
be a credit to them all,
that they will say of me
as Anthony did of Brutus
in Act V, Scene V, line 73.
"This was a man."
Thank you all for the wonderful presents
which you have bestowed on me,
which I'm extremely grateful for.
I trust you'll enjoy your evening,
not forgetting the dancing,
which is about to ensue,
as I feel sure you assuredly will.
-Thank you.
-[crowd clapping]
Ladies and gentlemen,
your bar mitzvah boy,
accompanied by his mother, your hostess,
and they'll take great
pleasure in opening the ball.
-[sophisticated music]
-[crowd clapping]
[announcer speaking, muffled by music]
[sophisticated music continues]
[sophisticated music fading]
-[sophisticated music ends]
-[crowd clapping]