Play for Today (1970–1984): Season 5, Episode 8 - Gangsters - full transcript

(Lauth and applause)

(English man) I met this girl and sold,
"Are you has tonight?"

She sold, "No, but I'm reasonable."

She sold, "Do you want I Mt on the
side?" I didn't know they'd moved fl.

(Paldmnl man) There was this while
men going through the desert,

and the sun ls blazing down
and he's very hot.

He's sweating,
even persplring sometimes.

He's got all his clothes on
but he doesn't know who! to do.

He's welklng along and he sees fills tree

and filere's an Arab woman
sltfing filere wl'fil no clofiles on.

She's crouched llke fills
and she's eofing I melon.



He says to her, "Madam, do you llnd filat
wearlng no clofiles makes you cool?"

She says,
"No, but ll keeps file llles off my melon. "

(Laughw and applause)

Morel lee ll upl lee ll upl

Thank you. Thank you.
Very good audlence.

Very good audlence. Terrll'lc. Tell a gag.

- Do you llke Irlsh jokes?
- (Audlence) Yes!

Dld you hear about Murphy leamlng
to tap-dance? He fell out of the slnk.

In Bradford there's been a crlsls.

Engllshmen can't get Oxos l'or gravles.

The Paklstanls are uslng them
for bath cubes.

(Engllsh man) Thls Brummy went
Into a pub In Borsal Heath.

He got hold of the landlord and sald,
"Do you serve Pakls In here?"

The landlord looked at hlm and sald,
"Do we serve Paklstanls In here?



"Why, slr, of course we do."

He sald, "Great,
I'll take three for my Alsatlan."

Thls lndlan was l'eellng very hungry.

He's walklng down Blnnlngham
hlgh street wantlng to buy a meal.

He goes Into a shop marked Currys.
They sold hlm a blcycle.

(Engllsh man) A Paklstanl
went Into a pub mm a plg.

The barman sald, "Where'd you get
that?" The plg sald, "I won It In a raffle."

(Paklstanl man) My Uncle Mustal'a,
llke all seIl-respectlng Paklstanls,

wanted a job as a bus conductor.

He went to the bus depot
and says to the foreman,

"Please, I want to be a conductor, sahlb."

So they took hlm outslde
and nalled hlm to a chlmney.

Oulte electrll'ylng, really. Shocklng joke.

I know one who wanted to be converted
so they klcked hlm over a rugby post.

I'm telllng you, when we take over,
you want to watch out.

lee me your rank and serIal number,
please.

Let's get off the Pakl jokes a on.

She took me to bed and sald,
"Have you taken any precautlons?"

I sald, "Yes, I've tled my feet
to the bottom of the bed."

Marvellous. We've got God wIth us
tonlght, you know.

Thls man of the Mldlands...

(Jeerlng)

He was rather up In the stlrrups,
thls Blnnlngham gentleman.

Thls Brummy bloke...

Mr Raflq, there have been allegatlons

ol blackmall and extortlon
In the Aslan communlty.

- Can you comment?
- What sort of comments do you want?

- Does It exlst?
- As In the whlte communlty.

The whlte communlty doesn't extort
money horn Illegal lmmlgrants.

Such storles, llke your stafisfics on
Illegal lmmlgrants, are exaggerated.

lam one of file leaders of my communlty
here In file UK,

but It Is not an honour filatl want.

It Is forced upon me. Every hour of every
day and nlght It Is forced upon me.

The ol'llclal report has clted Instances
of file so-called Aslan malla

nlllng Illegal ImmIgrants filat amnesty
Is only a submrhrge to trlck filem.

- No, no.
- Then whyhave so l'ewapplled?

Because filere are so few
Illegal ImmIgrants.

Some of filese asserfions are made
to sfir up pubIIc opInIon

In file hope filat
file government of file UK

wlII restrlct file Aslan ImmIgrant quota
even more savagely filan before.

I was wonderlng Il'...

Mr Rallq, filank you very much.
And filere we...

(Swltches TVoff)

Great. Great!

- (Raflq) Oh, I thought It was all rlght.
- All rlght?

All rlght? You worked that lntervlewer's
questlons rlght back up hlm.

Well, one has had some experlence
of these matters, Mr Rawllnson.

Don't come over all modest, Raflq.

Was It really that good?

It was good enough to quallfy you
for a first-class honours degree

In advanced bullshlt.

My Uncle Mustafa
wanted to come to England,

so all hls lIfe he saved up all hls rupees,
and finally made It to England.

He went to the labour exchange
and sald, "I must have a job."

The guy sald, "That's a funny name."
He sald, "No, I must have a job."

So the man sent hlm along to Dunlop,
where they make rubber.

He sald to the foreman, "What work do
you want me to do, sahlb?"

The foreman sald,
"We don't want you to work.

"Stand mm the other 300 darkles. We're
meltlng you down for Welllngton boots."

Very good. I llke It.

Kuldlp, where have you been?

Where have you been? Look at the tlmeI

Don't shout at me. Don't blame me.
The Dutchman was very late.

But there were no pollce checks?
Road blocks? Customs examlnatlons?

Road blocks? I thlnk you spend too
much tlme watchlng telly, Mr Raflq.

Even those pollcemen set them up.
I see them. I take dlverslonary actlon.

Everythlng's all rlght wIth me
In the drIvlng seat. It always ls.

Foolproof.
That Dutchman knows hls stuff.

(Men shout In Urdu)

They are as frlghtened as you, Mr Raflq.

All rlght. Keep up the good work.
Good lad. Brlng them In.

Thls Is the devll speaklngI (Cackles)

(Speaks Urdu)

(Instructs men In Urdu)

Where's the package?
One of them should have It.

(Speaks Urdu)

(Speaklng Urdu)

lee chlldren, they trust me.

(Speaks Urdu)

(Laughs)

(Slngs In Urdu)

(Raflq) How many Aslans
In the Mldlands?

(Marl) Bleedln' mllllons.

(Raflq) Let us work on the flgure that
there are 10,000 Illegal lmmlgrants,

each prepared to contrlbute at least
flve pounds towards my party funds.

(J‘ The Shadows: Apache)

You'll get used to It.

You're John Kllne.

- Well?
- I'm looklng for a relatlve of mlne.

Last address a boardlng house
In Rotterdam.

Left for England, not heard of slnce.

What do you want me to do about It?

Help me flnd hlm.
You'll be pald well, In Engllsh money.

Money enough to get you away.

I have a travel warrant,
courtesy of Her Majesty's nlck.

Wlll Rawllnson let you use It?

- From hlm, are you?
- No, no!

- Why mentlon the twat then?
- Other men told me about you and hlm.

If you are from hlm, tell hlm thls from me.

All I want ls out of thls bastard cIty
of hls. I've done tlme for hls brother.

Elther we call It qults or I'll klll hlm
and anyone else he sends agalnst me.

OK? Good enough for you?

Good!

Hey, you! Where do you thlnk
you're golng? What about my cafe?

(J' Theme tune horn
The Good The Bad And The Ugly)

Cut It! Out Itl

What am I gonna do wIth you two?

Oh, my God.

Oh, dear me.

I've seen sexler Slsters of Mercy.

You're supposed to be teachlng her
how to stlr the punters' trousers.

You'd thlnk she'd just seen
her father In the front row.

Stranger thlngs have happened.

You was dolng four years.

Don't tlme pass qulck
when you're havlng fun?

Great to see you, John.

Bloody great.

How are you? BIt lean on the chops.
Never mlnd. Come and have a drlnk.

Here, Dermot,
we gonna rehearse or what?

Yes, yes. The whole works thls tlme.

Full strlp, full moon.

The whole bIt, you know. Full frontals.

You'll llke that. Very Important, thls fella.

Musch

(J' Theme tune horn
The Good The Bad And The Ugly)

Good glrI there.

Very promlslng.

(Dermot) Not bad. Not bad.

Long tlme between drlnks, eh?

Not only drlnks.

Want your money, do you?

Soon as you llke.

- Haven't got It.
- What?

Not here.

Where?

OK, Dlnah. The same way tonlght.

She used to hustle tlll I converted her.

Well, you'll get your reward In heaven.

And bleedlng qulck If I don't get my loot.

John, 30 grandI
It'll take me a couple of days.

- TWo grand tonlght.
- That's tough.

Just get It, Dermot.

Yes.

Yeah, I know your cllent.

Your artlste. He stlll calls hlmself
a comedlan, does he?

Last tlme he dld my clubs
he was as funny as tennlnal cancer.

No. You know what they say.

No way.

(Phone)

Rawllnson. Yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah, and...?
- Kllne sald he'd be back.

He WIII. He'll be back tonlght.

OK. OK, leave It wIth me.

He's out. The bloke who kllled our BrIan
ls out and walklng the streets.

Stupld bastard must have
earned hlmself remlsslon.

- What Is It?
- An Aslan guy outslde.

- Trylng to curry favour, Is he?
- Says he's carrylng lnfonnatlon.

It's better than typhold.

- One of ours?
- Yep.

- Send hlm on to Raflq.
- He won't have It.

- He lnslsts on seelng you.
- If he lnslsts we must have hlm In.

Seelng as how he bleedln' well lnslsts.

Mr Khan.

I hear you've been lnslstlng on It.

- On what, please, slr?
- On seelng me, please, slr.

- Oh, yes.
- (Rawllnson) Your Info. What Is It?

Don't worry about my secretary. She's
prlvy to all confldentlal lnfonnatlon.

- So let us have It.
- John Kllne has been released.

- Yeah, thls momlng.
- How do...

Huh! I know everythlng In thls cIty.

Everythlng In Brum that moves,
breathes or speaks, I know about It,

and how to proflt from It.

I've got an all-embraclng eye
that sees all, knows all.

nght down to the colour of undles
she's wearlng.

What I don't know just yet
Is what your actlon ls.

- Please?
- What's Kllne to you.

- Enterprlse and lnItlatlve.
- Eh?

I'm showlng them to you
by keeplng an eye on the prlson...

In case Kllne got released early.

So I could come and tell you, slr, yes.

I've seen you.

One of my clubs, the Maverlck,
wIth that young wog.

That drlver. That rlutcase.

- Llpstlck.
- Kuldlp.

Kuldlp allows me to asslst hlm
on occaslon.

OK, Khan, you have lnItlated
your enterprlse very nlcely.

- How about urlnatlng off out of here.
- Oh, thank you, slr.

Thank you. Ta-ra.

Obsequlous bastard.

What?

What Islt?

(Slghs)

Annle.

What?

What do you want?

J‘ Can I put my arms around you now,
baby, please

J‘ Oh, baby, please

J‘ SIt back and just relax
and leave the rest to me

J'Theresttome

J‘ You aln't got no reason to be nervous

J‘ I'm gonna glve you
the best of my servlce

J‘ Tell you what... J‘

- Formal vlsIt.
- Must have heard about the blg debut.

Ladles and gentlemen, a new strlp queen

Mlss Dlnah Cannlchael.

- Complete wlth PTSA.
- Why don't you plss off?

I'm always open to suggestlons, love.

Oh...

Whatapltylwon'tbeabletoseeyou
come spllllng out of your dress.

Stlll, I've seen It all before.

I know you lnslde and out.
And that's a fact.

J‘ Satlsfactlon guaranteed,
or take your love back

J'Sogood,sogood,sogood

J‘ Satlsfactlon guaranteed,
or take your love back

J‘ Maklng love, maklng love,
or take your love back

J‘ Satlsfactlon guaranteed,
or take your love back

J‘ Take your love, take your love,
take your love... J‘

(Song contlnues)

(Applause)

(Marl) More! More!

- Don't threaten me.
-I needthatloottoplssoffoutoflt.

Sure you do. But later. Relax.

Have a drlnk. Meet some female
company, why don't you?

Just a mlnute.

Anne.

I'll flx you up. Don't worry.

You'd better, or I'll take my half
In brlcks and mortar.

Ooh, flghtlng talk.

It's just a flgure of speech, love.

Thls ls Anne.

Does It er...all nlght.

I've just been telllng John
about your boat.

She's got a lovely boat on the canal.
You'll be all rlght there.

Come back a bIt later.
There's a good chap.

Now, dear. Treat hlm rlght.
He's a partner of mlne from the old days.

What klnd of a boat have you got?

All rlght?

(J‘ Theme tune horn
The Good The Bad And The Ugly)

You double-crosslng dlrty gIt.

I thought you'd gone off shagglng.

Sure you dld. Me, the blrd
and your three black gorlllas.

- What are you on about?
- Got my money?

- Where?
- In my offlce, waltlng for you.

Come on.

- (Whlstllng)
- WhoaI HeyI WhooI

(All cheer)

(Gun cllcks)

Ohl

- So you're the guy they're looklng for.
- Yeah, you could say.

(Footsteps)

If you ever go across the sea to Delhl,
please tell my folks that I am dolng great.

But stlll no news
of dear old Uncle Ahmed,

cos BrItlsh Rall
have lost the bloody crate.

Thls lrlshman's walklng down the road
wlth a front door on hls shoulder.

(Whlstles)

Murphy sald, "Where are you taklng
that?" He sald, "To have a key cut."

- Have you checked them?
- Yes.

Yeah? Well, check them agaln. Check
the flre escape, check the entrances.

Seal them up.

If Kllne gets clear, Rawllnson
wlll have our balls for breakfast.

- Ta.
- No frlends of mlne, those bastards.

- See you.
- Ta-ra.

Get In, Mr Kllne.

You're paylng for thls.

So wIll they.
I'm gonna get my brothers In.

(SON)

Spades.
Why dld you have to use spades?

What about thls prlvate army
you're always boastlng about?

Polltlcs. Annle. Polltlcs.

I muster all the bouncers
from all my clubs and It calls attentlon.

50 herberts In dlnner jackets
prowllng the bleedln' streets after Kllne.

Later maybe.

But we'll glve our black brothers
a chance flrst.

How does he look?

Needs some sun on hls back.

And a woman under hls front.

Yeah. I got that lmpresslon.

- Good bunk up?
- Hardly left the ground before...

Plck Handle Pete arrlved to prevent
further lntlmacles from taklng place.

Well, seelng as though you're stlll
a vlrgln, I may as well klp here.

Oh, no way.

I've been used enough for one nlght.

Go on. On your way.

And don't step In the canal
on your way out.

(Screams) Don'tI

Don't black my arms!

You bastardI

- Who?
- You.

You and Kllne.

Doyouwant metogolnfront
wlth a red flag?

It's a bulIt-up area, Mr Kllne.
We mustn't exceed the speed llmIt.

- Anythlng?
- Not yet.

I really don't conslder your runnlng away
a lastlng solutlon, Mr Kllne.

Up the 'Pool, down the smoke,
flrst traln, I'm on It.

Rawllnson has contacts In both places,
or If not hlm, one of hls many brothers.

lee Napoleon, our Mr Rawllnson's
a great bellever In nepotlsm.

I don't care what hls rellglon ls.

- He wants you dead, Mr Kllne.
- How do you know?

I'm newly enrolled In the lower echelons
of hls organlsatlon.

Oulte an honour
for a poor, Ignorant wog.

Thls mlsslng relatlve of yours.

He's probably
In the bottom of the North Sea.

Yes, probably.

Sorry that you earned remlsslon?

You have got only two altematlves -

flnd enough money to escape abroad,

or stand and smash Rawllnson here.

- WIth whose army?
- Double your numbers.

- Come In wlth me.
- As what?

As backup.

I lntend to take over Rawllnson's
Illegal lmmlgrant and drug rackets.

How? By an act of God?

I'm lnslde. I need someone outslde.

Someone llke you, who,

If you'll pardon the colloqulallsm,
knows arse from elbow.

- Don't let them run you out of town.
- I'm John Kllne, not John Wayne.

What's your bleedln' name, anyhow?

Khan. Zaheer Mohammed Khan.

John Wayne.

Three lrlshmen readlng
the Blnnlngham Mall. Sltuatlons Vacant.

"Deep-sea dlvers wanted, one-off."

Murphy sald, "We'll go down.
One of us mlght get the job."

So they went down to the quayslde
and Kelly sald, "Where's the gaffer?"

He sald, "He's down there dlvlng."

So Kelly took hls coat off
and dlved In after hlm.

Four hours later, Murphy sald, "We mlght
as well go. I thlnk Kelly's got the job."

(Applause)

Have you noficed how some joker always
Ilrrl'tes under a johnny machIne,

"Buy me and stop one"?

I'll leave you wl'fil filIs filought. "Why not
buy two and keep one jump ahead?"

(Laughw and applause)

- I'd llke to say good nlght to you all.
- You've been a fabulous audlence.

You've been wonderful. I promlse not to
move In next door to any whlte people.

So good nlght and God bless.
Good nlght. God bless.

(Paklstanl man) Please drlve carefully
because file Ilfe you save mlght be mlne,

and mlne's more preclous filan yours.

Good nlght and God bless you all.

(Baby crles)

(Chatter)

Where's me chlps?

(Speaks Urdu)

Bloody hell.

- No.
- You what?

We need sllence and smooth waters.

Send your brothers back to Coventry
and Wolverhampton, please.

I want Kllne.

Use my boys, then.

Your boys?! If the spades couldn't get
hlm to jump on the shovel, what...

Your brothers runnlng around the
Bullrlng and tumlng It Into a clrcus

- Is not what ls requlred.
- Here.

About bleedln' tlme.

- I don't...
- (Man belches)

Do you reallse how much money
Is Involved?

- How many Aslans In the Mldlands?
- Bleedln' mllllons.

Please. Let us work on the flgure that
there are 10,000 Illegal lmmlgrants,

each prepared to contrlbute at least
flve pounds towards my party funds.

- 50 grand a week. I know.
- 2.6 mllllon a year.

- It's theory, Isn't It?
- A posslblllty to work towards.

Both of us are equal.
Both of us have a lot to lose.

Prestlge, posltlon, power, freedom.

Why should we jeopardlse all thls for
the sake of kllllng thls one Kllne fellow?

He kllled our kld.

Any trouble, any publlclty over all thls,

and we call a halt to our alllance.

We stop Blackblrdlng
when I bleedln' say.

(Raflq) Drugs you may run.

But not Blackblfd.

You may own a transport company,

but how would you operate
In the Aslan communlty?

Urdu. Do you speak Urdu?

Do you speak Punjabl?
Have you got any contacts?

Do you have a llst of Illegal lmmlgrants?
Do you know where they get pald?

And how much they wIll contrlbute
toward my party funds?

- I can flnd out.
- No.

I reallse my value to you In money.

And I demand an equal say.

I cannot afford any trouble
over thls Kllne fellow.

Oh, yes. By the way.

I must tell you that some Independent
approaches have been made...

to me...to wlden my polltlcal afflllatlons.

- Vote for Rafqu
- (All laugh)

You mlght be head serang
to your brown brothers...

but to me, you're just a wog.

But a slgnIflcant wog.

Klll thls Kllne fellow If you must.

But do It quletly and qulckly,
Mr Rawllnson.

Or do It not at all.

(Buzzer)

- Who?
- Mr...

John Kllne.

I sald only In emergencles.

Thls Is an emergency.

What's the emergency?

I haven't had a woman for three years.

(Kllne) We converted a basement
of thls old clnema,

called It the Maverlck.

Always fond of Westerns.

No one bothered us.
Tlll we began to make a proflt.

lee blood In the water,
that brought the sharks.

Tenner a week protectlon. Then 20.

Tlll It was 100 a week offthe top.

- I'd been In the SAS.
- Hm?

- SAS.
-What?

- Speclal Alr Servlce.
- Oh.

I saved that money, sunk It In the place.

It was mlne. My flesh. My blood.

I declded no more bleedlng protectlon.

Thls bloke - Rawllnson's kld brother -

trled to prove how much we needed It.

We fought. I hIt hlm.

And hlt hlm and hlt hlm
tlll he went down.

Down for good.
Down forever llke, you know?

They called It manslaughter.
Stuck four years on me.

What about Dermot?

He probably sold out.

Probably to Rawllnson. Lump sum
and a job on the slde as a manager.

I'd say It flgures.

He won't pay your share?

He's all for Rawllnson reachlng me.

You can't stay here.
I'd only get myself Involved.

But you are Involved.

You took me In, let me through the net,
attended to my needs. All of them.

You're Involved rlght enough, kld.

But I have to work there,
for Chrlst's sake.

Why?

For money. Blasted money.

What else - enjoyment?

Dermot tells me you used to hustle.

I trled It.

I'd ask for ten quld, settle for elght.
Blg deal.

You know, I earn more In one nlght

just for taklng my clothes off
In tlme to the muslc.

Yeah.

Pays more In a nlght
than a week In a shop.

I know what It's llke to save, see It grow.

My parents are from TrInldad.

I'm from Brummyjum.

They call thls home.

But me...

Mother and father...
I really love them, you know.

But I can't llve wlth them.

You're lucky. You're a man.
You can do thlngs.

Well.

(Shoutlng and punchlng)

- I want to see Malleson.
- Over there.

Shaplng up nlce, aren't they?

Huh. TerrIfch

He's dead good at punchlng
punchlng bags, Isn't he, Dermot?

He was a fast boy, you know.
He could have been Olymplc.

That's what happens, though.

You show 'em the blg tlme

and they get slow and fat.

Prefer to use plck handles.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. You have flrst swlng at me.

Come on!

Dermot, It's terrlble.
He's gettlng deaf an' all.

Llsten, Casslus,
you've got 24 hours to flnd Kllne.

-And he'll flnd hlm.
- Floatlng llke a butterfly.

- Stlng llke rlce puddlng.
- Black puddlng.

I don't know If thls man Kllne's
stlll In town, do I?

Oh, he's In town, all rlght.

Dermot owes hlm money.

- Don't you pay hlm, Dermot.
- I'll try and reslst It.

When you flnd Kllne, mate of mlne,
what are you golng to do?

Cos he'd better flnd hlm. Otherwlse we
can't let hlm play wlth us ever agaln.

nght, Bllly? Tommy?

I thlnk you're maklng sense.

Thank you, Dermot. That comes of
deallng wlth lntelllgent people.

- And what happens when we flnd hlm?
- (All laugh)

(Woman breafillng heavlly)

(Chlldren shout)

Hey, mlster.
Not supposed to swlrn In the canal.

You'll get salmonella.

- Got any fags?
- I'm sorry, I don't smoke.

Thls Anne. She must know a lot
about the drug market.

Flrst hand.

You could use her to get to Rawllnson.

- How?
- By tumlng lnfonnatlon over to the law.

Solve your problem If Rawllnson
got done for drug smuggllng.

- Yeah?
- It's all progress. Progress, my frlend.

- You thlnk so, do you?
- lneslstlble progress.

Yesterday we numbered one - myself.

Then two. And now...

Uh-uh. There's stlll only two.

As you wlsh.

- That manI
- Khan?

- Is he crazy or what?
- I don't know.

I don't know who or what he ls.

Cold?

Someone on my grave.

Don't say.

So... Must go, chlldren.

Kuldlp, my lmmedlate superlor,

sald that today Is that day the golden
eagle craps all over Blnnlngham.

Kuldlp says all we have to do
Is hold out our hands so.

(Speaks Urdu)

(Speaks Urdu)

Hey. You, Jashlr.
Thlnk I wasn't comlng, eh?

Yes. It Is payday for you.

Pay? 00"- PM

Lot of overtlme, yeah?

Yes.

We should charge you more.
Everythlng golng up these days.

- Even the prlce of sllence, huh?
- No more!

- Shoutlng at me, are you?
- I cannot pay any more.

I can't pay you any more.

Soon you'll get sent back
to your mother lndla.

It can be arranged. One telephone call
and you are In prlson.

You get sent to prlson. I go to the pollce,
tell them how I was brought here.

Nothlng happen. Not to me.
They'll forglve me.

You are a chlld.

The amnesty trlck ls only played on
lmmlgrants brought In years back.

For you, fasten your seat belt
and cheerlo to England.

WIfe and famlly. Ta-ta.

Shot.

So where's thls bastard Kllne?

He'll come back. Count on It.

I'm telllng you. He'll come back here.

What I would llke to know
Is how he got out last nlght.

Plenty of exIts.

- Not the way he went.
- All rlght then.

Flnd out how he dld get out.

Flnd out who could have helped hlm.

Tlll you do, you're off the flnn.

- So?
- So...

You don't work no club, and no outflt
In the country wIll look at you.

You mlght get a job humplng brlcks.

I don't thlnk the queer fella's
got that sewn up just yet.

But untll you do flnd Kllne,

thls ls you.

I've got to attack.

Get somethlng on Rawllnson
or go under.

Been under once today, haven't you?

Yeah, you could say.

I'm golng back down that canal bank
later tonlght.

Flnd what's floated slnce thls momlng.

I'll be back later, don't worry.

Who's worrled?

Nobody.

- You can do me one favour though.
- What's that?

Try not to fall
In the bleedln' canal thls tlme, OK?

Yes, ma'am.

If you do, take that Khan wlth you.

Don't worry about Khan.

Worry?

You use that word all the tlme.

Thlnk I don't know enough by now
not to worry about any man?

Black, whlte or brown.
You go away or stay.

You get kllled or llve on.
I'm not worrled about It.

Clear?

I just want out. Away.

Away to the sun?

Maybe I'll go wlth you.

(Speaks Urdu)

(Jashlr) You touch them and I'll klll you.

(Kuldlp) I came to glve you a message
from the boss.

He's angry. He asked why that scoundrel
Jashlr ran away.

- Does he thlnk we couldn't flnd hlm?
- But I pald you.

The payment has Increased for you.

For you, another slx pounds.

SIX?!

- 14 a week.
- I cannot pay any more.

I'll talk to pollce. Tell all about you.

Go! They'll put you on a plane for lndla
pretty bloody qulck, I tell you.

Your wae, she w!!! have to work
to send you money.

Your chlldren w!!! have to beg...

(Speaks Urdu)

Hlm or me.
It Is not golng to be me, I tell you.

Come.

You better pack your thlngs.
You are already on that plane.

(Applause)

Bloody hell. Am I In the rlght place?
Thls Is the Maverlck. Isn't It?

I look out some nlghts

and It's llke the aftermath of an exploslon
In a chocolate factory.

Don't get me wrong, though. I've got
nothlng agalnst the black ba...brothers.

Nothlng at all.

Same wlth these jokes, Isn't It?

Terrlble. Ought to be reported
to the Race Relatlons Board.

lee what's cream outslde, black lnslde
and screams?

A busload of Jamalcans
golng over a clIff.

Same wlth those lrlsh jokes. Terrlble.

What's funny about an lrlshman

standlng for hours on
a broken down movlng stalrcase?

(Laughter)

What's funny about that?

A broken down movlng stalrcase!

You're supposed to be looklng for Kllne.

I am. I'm just waltlng
for lIttle Mlss Dynamlte to come on

then I'm gonna have a look backstage,
all rlght?

Mlss Dlnah Cannlchael.

(Applause)

(J' BrIdal march)

(Wolf whlstles)

Oh, excuse me, slr,

but I want to report the presence
of an Illegal lmmlgrant.

(Chuckles)

M-M-My name does not matter, slr.

But hls name...

ls Jashlr Slngh Mahall.

He's at present resldlng
at 24 Ireland Road, Blnnlngham 11.

In a flx, sugar?

- What are you here for, Kllne?
- Your connectlons.

Get out, you nut.

You'll talk.

When you need a flx so bad, you'll talk.

I've seen druggles llke you In the nlck.

klcklng, screamlng, puklng.

Yeah, they'd start llke you.

Itchy, snotty, sleepy.

Tlred and yawnlng.

Yeah. Sometlmes they'd get the yawns
so bad they'd dlslocate thelr jaws.

Of course, I wouldn't want
nothlng llke that to happen.

I don't want nothlng to stop you
havlng your heart to heart wlth me.

Take your tlme.

Take all the tlme you can take.

(J‘ Theme tune horn
The Good The Bad And The Ugly)

(Men cheer and shout)

- You...
- What?

Nothlng.

Talk. I want you to talk.

- You sneaked In here, substltuted...
- nght.

Dumped It, dld you?
In the water, I expect.

So It'd be rulned.

No. It's stlll around.

- Shall we play I Spy?
- Oh, screw you, fella!

Screw you.

(Dlnah) What the...

You should lock your door, love.
Anyone could walk In.

- Where would I carry a key?
- Well... I hadn't thought of that.

- Well, you wouldn't.
- So...

So wlth thls door open,
anyone could walk In.

I know where you drop the drugs,
but how do you brlng them In?

Rawllnson flnances the operatlon,

you dlstrlbute.

But who supplles the merchandlse,
and from where?

Who?

J‘ Hoo
J‘ Baby's got It

J‘ And what you need
J‘ Hoo

J‘ You know I got It
J‘ Hoo

J‘ And all I want... J‘

So... So who's screwlng you nowadays?

Not you.

- I just wondered.
- It's none of your buslness.

I hate to see a good fleld lyIng fallow.

Llsten, do you thlnk me and you
can get It back together agaln?

Yeah? So you can end up marrylng me
llke all the rest of your chlcks?

No. No, look,
let's go back to your place now

and llke, you know, get It together.

No, I've got somethlng to do.

Well, later maybe.

No. No way.

You don't mean It, though.

I'd sooner hustle a leper colony.

Your boss, Rawllnson.

- Hlm...
- Hlm, you and just who else?

Who?

Who?

J‘ Ooh, your klsses, sweeter than honey

J‘ Hoo
J‘ Guess what, so Is my money

J‘Hoo
J'Andalllwantyoutodoforme

J'leelttome, baby
J‘Re,re,re,re

J‘ Hey, baby, when you come In

J‘ Just a lIttle bIt
J‘ Yeah, yeah

J‘ Just a lIttle bIt
J‘ Ooh!

J‘ R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
flnd out what It means to me

J‘ R-E-S-P-E-C-T, take care, TCB... J‘

TWo trlps a week on the Blackblrd run.

That's what they call It.

Thls Dutchman Rawllnson uses.

What's hls name?

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't...

Please. I don't know.

Just one more name.

- Come on.
- I don't know.

Hey? What Is It?

What's hls name?

- Van Der Staay.
- What?

Van Der Staay.

Van Der Staay. Van Der Staay.

Van Der bloody Staay.

OK.

Where dld you put my stuff?

Where? Where dld you put It?

Where dld you put It? Where?

(Whlstles theme tune from
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly)

There now. That's better.

That's better, Isn't It?
I'm just the same when I flrst wake up.

Feel better?

- I'm OK.
- No, no, stand up.

You've got company.
They've come a long way to see you.

- Do you know my brothers? Tommy...
- Pleased to meet you.

- And Bllly...
- My pleasure.

We used to have a fourth brother,
but you took care of that, dldn't you?

- How are we gonna klll hlm?
- And when?

When I say. I want hlm to talk flrst.

I want to know why you have been
asklng questlons of my secretary.

Puttlng the flx on her, so to speak.

Ah.

Don't thlnk thls sllence wIns anythlng.

I've other enqulrles under way.

Hey, It's my turn.

Ow! I'm not Involved!

I'm not Involved!

Owl

(SON)

Take that thlng off my hand!

Kllne stayed here, dldn't he?

The boss just wants to know
where he's at...

and why he's asklng certaln thlngs.

(Screams) I know nothlng!

Don'tl Don'tl

One more tlme.

I know nothlng. Only what I've told you.

- They came here.
- They?

Who was wlth Kllne?
Who come here to see Kllne?

Take these thlngs off.

- Charge her up.
- No!

No! A Pakl!

He's a Pakl! Paklstanl

- Who?
- (50b!)

- What was hls name?
- Khan.

The mush that hangs around
wlth Kuldlp.

OK. I'll take care of her.

Lot of phone calls.
A lot golng on these days, I tell you.

That man the spades brought In.

- Kllne?
- What wIll happen to hlm?

I thlnk the Rawllnsons sent hlm
on a short sea voyage.

I really don't understand.

- Where's the Rawllnsons?
- In the cellar. Why?

- Show me.
- I'm not your servant.

Show me. And brlng your frlend.

- What's your name agaln?
- Khan.

Yeah, you'd better come along as well.

I'm sure your mate Kllne
would want to see you one more tlme.

- What?
- Thls Is the boy who helped our man.

You? Enterprlse and lnItlatlve hlmself.

Please, what ls happenlng?

The glrl, Dlnah, spllled.
Hlm and Kllne. They're llke that.

- Where's the glrI?
- leed.

Dead?

Heroln's a trlcky thlng.

You black bastard!

- Remember thls, bleedln' Pakl.
- Enough!

Not yet.
We mustn't damage our property.

- Why help thls bloke?
- I just felt sorry for hlm.

Feel sorry for your bleedln' self.

You, Llpstlck.
What do you know about hlm?

Not much. I met hlm In a bar.
He seemed wIlllng.

- Has he been searched?
- Not yet.

Dolt.

What do you make of that?

Webley .38.
The type of gun the law Issue.

I don't llke the smell of thls curry.

- nght, any more for the Skylark?
- Rawllnson!

Supposlng the Dutchman
won't dump thelr bodles.

I'll use a very persuaslve word - money.

Cheer up, Raflq.
Worse thlngs happen at sea.

- I aln't rIdlng In close proxlmlty to wogs.
- No!

- Shut It.
- Why don't we take some soldlers?

- And why don't we call the pollce?
- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, you, hop It.
- Not you.

We can trust hlm now.
You can drlve the Blackblrd van.

You shove up the ralls
and you get In the box.

(Laughs)

Move up, you. nght away from me.

(Rlngs once)

Yes. As they say It.

That's correct.

I wlll. Yes.

Yes. That's all I have.

Yes. I wlll.

Plcked up Engllsh all of a sudden,
have you?

(Horn)

Change over. You stop outslde
In case anythlng goes wrong.

If you see owt susplclous, toot the horn.

- Talk about angry.
- Shut It.

Slnbad? Slnbad?

Slnbad?

Slnbad? Slnbad?

We'd better waIt tlll Van Der Staay
comes through. Just In case.

Come In, Slnbad.

Slnbad?

Come In, Slnbad.

Slnbad?

Come In, Slnbad.

Blackblrd, Blackblrd, Blackblrd.

(Rawllnson) Slnbad.

Slnbad. Come In, Slnbad.

Blackblrd, Blackblrd, Blackblrd.

How would you llke to dump some
speclal cargo on your way home?

How speclal please, Blackblrd? Over.

Enough to rate a speclal bonus.

That's good enough for me.
I w!!! come In, yes?

- Over.
- Soon as you llke.

Whlle everybody's at Sunday school.
Out.

Sunday school!

(Gunshot)

(Gunshot)

(Laughs)

(Tyres screech)

- Can I glve you a lIft, Mr Kllne?
- Let me glve you a bleedln' lIft, Mr Khan.

(Beeps horn)

- Move!
- You keep golng.

(Horn blares)

Here they come. Turn the wheel!

Turn!

Now move It back
and turn around and get It out!

(Gun cllcks)

(Dlstant slrens)

I just wanted to see her, that's all.

It's all rlght.

- They're sendlng her home.
- Repatrlatlon.

- Golng home?
- Lots of leads to follow along the route.

No hard feellngs?

I had to recrult you
to help flush Rawllnson out.

Yeah, well, everyone uses me.

Why not you?

(Woman) Brffish Alrways calllng for Mrs
Mltchell, recenfiy arrlved horn Jersey.

Please contact
file Brffish Alrways Infonnafion desk.

Ooh, so sorry.