Play for Today (1970–1984): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Fishing Party - full transcript

[upbeat instrumental music]

[seagulls squawk]

[uplifting trumpet music]

Three teas please.

Pints or half pints?

Pints!

Half pints please.

If I have to feed you
two, it'll be half pints.

I like a pint.

And have you running water all afternoon?

No.



Fishing are ya?

Aye.

There y'ar.

Season is over, you know that do ya?

We know that but the fish is still there.

Off the end are ya?

End?

Of the pier.

Boat.

Seasons over.

Seasons over, he says seasons over.

Aye, aye, aye.

He's right ya know, season is over.

We'll find it difficult
to catch fish, right?



You'll find it difficult to find out,

let alone fish.

Funny hats, candyfloss,
sticks of rock, anything.

Even ice creams.

He's taking us for trippers.

Are you taking us for trippers?

He is though, taking us for trippers.

Look, if you tripped here,
then you're trippers.

Look, look, let me be the peacemaker.

What my friend means,

that we aren't trippers in a
derogatory sense of the word.

You get me meaning?

You get me meaning, don't ya?

We aren't funny hats and kiss-me-quicks.

Aye, no offence lads, no offence.

I mean I wasn't insinuating
anything of the sort.

No, no, no offence at all
mate, that's all right.

It's all right.

I mean, if you're fisherman,
that's not trippers.

You see, trippers isn't fisherman.

That's all right then, great.

Well, best of look when
you get out there lads.

If you can find any fish.

I'll take another three half pints please.

And three of your teacakes.

Three teas and three
teacakes, it's a pleasure sir.

[seagulls squawk]

We've got our tackle, we've got our tea.

Got us organised.

Howard's got to find us a place to stay,

and then us has got to find a boat.

We'll find us a pub,

have a few pints, then bed.

Aye, that's the way.

Now look, you might have
no pride and no shame

in going back to your wife

and saying, I made a pig of myself,

but she's too likely to pin on ya anyway.

But I'm not going back to my wife

saying I made a pig of myself,

no, no, I'm not.

Whatever we go back and say we did,

we'll still say we went
and made pigs of ourselves.

Well not me, not me.

I'm not making a pig of myself.

I want to be able to go
back, look her in the eye,

and say, I did not make a pig of myself.

And that's that.

First we'll air them

We will, love.

Then I'll do a bit of fishing.

Then we'll have everything at laundry

and you'll be having to
give them a lick of paint.

And then we'll get down to polishing

and decorating each room.

Yes, we will Audrey.

And then I'll do a bit of fishing.

Then we'll go from top to
bottom giving a spring clean,

and then it'll be Christmas
and we'll go to me mothers.

Ah, that'll be nice.

When we get back from me mothers,

we'll get you a nice little
job down at labour exchange.

'Til the season starts,

then we'll take in more boarders.

Ay, and that way we'll pay

the mortgage off handsomely, Audrey.

I'm determined to retire,
owning this place.

Both of us.

Then I'll do a bit of fishing.

There's plenty of time for fishing.

What I'm going to suggest lads,

is that we find us a
respectable boarding house.

That's what I'm gonna suggest.

Licenced?

Not licenced, no.

But if we want a drink,
we go out for a drink.

But if they serve drinks with meals,

we have a drink with meals.

Say, a German dry ock?

Oh, I'm not having none of that, not me.

We fought the bloody
German's during the war.

Yeh, and beat them.

And I put it down to them
drinking that there bloody ock.

You can't beat a brown ale.

All right lads, all right.

So we have a brown ale,
we have a brown ale.

But we don't go brown
ale-ing back to the house.

In there we act respectable.

With respect of property and standards.

So if we get pissed, we don't
show it, we walk it off?

Lads, lads, let's not quibble.

We're seasoned campaigners,
we never showed it.

All right, so we go fishing.

We have a drink, behave
ourselves, go home.

We show the wives that we can go out

and be respectable and
civilised without them.

Aye, that's true.

I'm sick to death of,

ya can't behave yourselves
without I'm there.

We've got to be able to go back

with no signs of wear and
tear, no marks for worst,

and lift up our heads and say,

we've had a very nice
weekend out thank you.

Ay, that'd teach them.

You think we could do it?

Of course we could do it.

No brown ale, no spewing over the wall?

A civilised weekend.

Ay, we have had a
successful season you know.

We have.

I think we have too.

The first time back.

We've have boarders with
standards haven't we, standards.

And if they didn't have them,

you'd soon give them an order wouldn't ya.

Ay.

See how I came down on that family

that kept trailing sand in.

Well I had to, hadn't I?

Sand in, breakfast out.

That stopped their antics.

And that family whose kiddies cried.

Aye, I stopped their nonsense too.

Yes you did.

Sent myself an anonymous
letter of complaint.

That stopped them dead.

No, my policy is,

if you insist of standards this year,

you have a better clientele next.

Friend, where could me and my friends

find a boarding house to put us up?

You know, not too rough and ready,

bed and breakfast, sheets,
that sort of thing.

You don't want digs?

Boarding house, small
hotel, it serves a purpose.

No, what you wanna do,

you want to get down to
The Fisherman's Arms.

Open all hours, get as drunk as you like.

Come and go as you please.

A small hotel would do very
nicely, thank you very much.

Ah well, there's plenty of
nice ones along the clifftop.

Mind you, they do close up for the winter.

But they should squeeze
one or two more tumbles in.

If you're wearing ties.

He's got one in his bag.

Ah well, anywhere along the clifftop then.

[doorbell rings]

[mellow instrumental music]

We've come about putting up for the night.

Well, the season's over really.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know a curtain
came down, as in an opera.

We're closed for the season.

Then we're unfortunate.

Yes.

How many of you are there?

Just me and my colleagues.

Well, I'm sorry.

Well then, we'll go.

There's a place up the road.

Yes, you might get fixed up somewhere

where folks aren't so particular.

You what madam, particular?

About closing on time.

I close on time.

Besides, I don't cater
for fishing parties.

What does that mean?

Now, now lads, the lady has her rights

as a lodging house keeper
to make her own rules

and stipulations, and stick to them.

Madam, if them's your
rules, you stick to them.

What's wrong with fishing
parties, may I ask?

Oh nothing, we just don't cater for them.

They usually go down to
the key and keep the, erm,

[Howard] The stink of
fish all in once place.

Keep the parties together.

Madam, all we want is bed and breakfast.

Oh, we don't do bed and breakfast.

We're a small hotel really.

What do you do?

Bed, breakfast, and evening meal.

How much is that then?

Four guineas.

For the three of us?

Each.

Each?

Four guineas each?

Each?

Oh come on.

That's inclusive.

Ah well, there we are
lads, if that's inclusive,

we couldn't do much better
than that lads, inclusive.

Right Mrs, we'll take it.

Well I'll have to ask my husband.

He's the manager really,
it's all in his name.

Oh yes, husbands usually
have it in their name.

Yes.

I'll ask him.

I have no say really.

Come in to reception.

Excuse me.

Four guineas, I'll never sleep.

It's a quality place.

Look at the fixtures.

[bell rings]

But they're a fishing party,

boots up to their backsides.

If they're in, they're in.

But should we let them in?

Four guineas.

It's robbery.

For one nights work it's worth having.

Then take them.

You know how drunk they get at night,

these fishing parties.

Well, tell them to go.

You tell them.

All right, I'll tell them.

12 guineas, do you think we've
got money to chuck about?

You'll tell them?

All right, I'll tell them they can stay.

Be it on you then.

Be it on me?

All right then, be it on me.

Aren't you going to show them up then?

Hey, just a minute,

all summer it's been, I'm
reception, I receive guests.

Now all of a sudden it's me.

I'd better do it myself
then now you've demanded it.

My husband has decided that
you can stay, gentlemen.

At great personal inconvenience.

This is the first room, gentlemen.

The key for whichever one
of you is going to take it.

Thank you madam.

We have hot and cold water in all rooms,

a bell for service,

and contact with a lavatory on each floor.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

We have hot and cold water in all rooms,

a bell for service

and contact with a lavatory on each floor.

We have hot and cold water in all rooms,

a bell for service

and contact with a lavatory on each floor.

[door closes]

[water runs from tap]

Oh dear Brian Smalley, I
hope you've done right.

They'll be all right.

Well be it on your shoulders.

Blame me if anything goes wrong,

I've had years of experience.

What, of things going wrong?

Of being blamed.

Oh.

Ay, they'll need sheets.

Just when I'd worked the
laundry bill out and all.

It'll all come out of the 12 guineas.

Bills are bills, I don't
like them, even on principle.

I don't see it can be helped though.

Do you think we need, erm, need give them?

You what?

Clean sheets.

Do we need?

I mean, brand new, clean.

You can hardly give them soiled linen.

Well, they look rough.

They'd never notice.

When they come rolling in.

Rolling in?

Drunk.

Well, if you think we
can get away with it.

Get away with it?

Let's put it this way,

if they come back here,
rip roaring, raring to go,

crazy, reckless drunk, and find,

in they're drunken frenzy

that they're sleeping on dirty sheets,

because a drunken man's
very observant you know,

then think what might happen.

They might rip the place to pieces.

And I'm not spending another winter

hard boarding over the old
panels, that's for certain.

[gentle knocking on wall]

[Howard] Pat?

You settled in then?

Yeh.

[Howard] So what you saying?

Okay.

[Howard] what you doing now?

Sitting.

[Howard] Where you sitting?

On the edge of the bed.

[Howard] I'm standing.

Are ya.

[Howard] In front of the wash out basin.

Abe's sitting as well.

I've been in contact with Abe.

I can't reach Abe.

[Howard] If you put a
mirror out of your window

you can see Abe.

Could I?

[Howard] Yeh, give him a wave.

I haven't got a mirror.

[Howard] Oh.

Hey, Pat?

What?

[Howard] Abe wants to come in here.

What, in your room?

[Howard] Yes.

But we're singles.

You don't muck in singles in hotels.

Don't you know how to behave?

Haven't you been to a
private hotel before?

[Howard] I'd like him to come in.

So be it then, but I don't
approve, it's not done.

[Howard] I think it's done.

It's not done.

[Howard] I've seen it on the pictures.

James Bond does it.

That's man and woman, not two men.

It's not done.

[Howard] It's done now.

He's in.

You shouldn't be messing about!

[Abe] We're having a hand
of cards, you coming?

That I'm not.

It's not done.

[Abe] Come on, take a risk.

I don't like it, can
you not amuse yourself?

[Abe] No.

All right, I'll come.

But don't sit on the bed, sit on chairs.

[Abe] There's only two
chairs, bring yours in.

That I will not.

You don't move chairs in private hotels.

[Abe] All right, for your hand, stand.

I'm coming through, deal me a round.

[Abe] We're cutting for dealer.

Cut for me!

[Abe] Cut for him.

Pat!

King, you're king.

Right, I'm coming through!

[footsteps thump from above]

Look, I bought this one, it isn't bad.

It isn't clean.

It's not dirty.

It's crumpled.

I'll give it an iron.

You get another five out.

I tell ya what, we can give
them clean pillow slips.

That's an idea.

Look, good as new.

But not as good as clean.

Do you think if they come back violent?

Well, you know what they could be like.

Aye.

I met a landlady at sales the other day.

Fisherman, she said, never again.

Why, what happened?

There was hooks in her sheets

and she put them all in the spin dryer

and tore them all to shreds.

I wish we'd never let them in.

You can say that again.

Oh, all right.

Clean sheets.

Not a bad life this.

I like it.

No complaints, I'd take again.

What we now like, at this
moment, is a crate of brown ale.

Lads, lads, lads, not
a crate of brown ale,

not in a house like this.

I fancy a crate of brown ale.

But he's right, it wouldn't do.

Not with the lady.

But drinks with the meals.

White wine and that.

With the fish.

Red with the meat.

They'll be all that.

Aye.

[door knocks]

Don't panic.

Remove the cards.

Enter.

Oh, do you mind, could
I trouble you gentlemen,

if I made up the bed?

Would you like to sit elsewhere?

Would you care to go in the other room

if it's an inconvenience to ya?

No inconvenience at all, not at all.

We were just discussing
tactics for the sport.

Go ahead, make them up.

Changing the sheets are you?

Oh, we always provide new,
clean sheets for the guests.

Guests is it?

[Brian] Yes.

I once stayed in a guesthouse in Durham

but you didn't feel like a guest.

What was that for?

I went up for miner's rally.

Are you miners?

Ah, but never mind, you can
keep the pillowcases on.

We've had our hair washed [laughs].

Oh we don't worry about that here.

Get many fishing parties do ya?

No, you're the first.

There are other houses in
the town for fishing parties,

down by the quay.

Aye, we thought we'd keep away from them.

We want to catch fish, not stink of them.

You a sport?

Pardon?

Are ya a sportsman?

Take the field do ya?

Oh, I like fishing too,

I came here for the fishing,

I worked in Doncaster before.

Didn't like it.

Worked there for seven years.

Came here for the fishing.

[Howard] Well, well, well.

We're fisherman too.

You go out do ya, after the cod?

Er no, not as yet.

I just go off the pier after the Billet.

What's a Billet?

You get them off the pier.

No cod.

Oh you wanna go after the cod.

It's no sport without the cod.

Oh, I've never been out, just on the pier.

Ah well, you can hire a boat you know,

it's very reasonable.

Oh I had heard.

10 shillings an hour isn't it?

It works out cheaper than that
if you go with your mates.

You go with your mates do ya?

End of pier with your mates after Billet?

I have no mates here.

I had in Doncaster but not here.

This sort of life doesn't
make for much mates.

You've got no mates?

[Brian] Not to speak of.

I couldn't live without mates.

Me neither, not without mates.

But you make a lot of friends

running a house like this.

See, he does make friends,

his life would be full of friends.

Still, I like mates.

I couldn't stand me
wife unless I had mates.

He has friends.

Every summer, friends come
and go to a man like this,

the whole world's his friends.

I tell ya what, you'll
come out on the boat

what we've hired.

Come out?

Aye.

It's all right isn't it lads?

Aye, come out with us.

[Brian] Come out with you?

Aye.

How much?

Nay, nay, boat's paid for,

we saw to that, I wrote and fixed it,

boat's paid for.

We go out on the high tide after dinner,

you can come out.

Well, we're terribly busy but,

I haven't got a rod.

We'll provide the rod,
we'll see to the rod.

I'll see how busy we are.

[Pat] Aye, you do that.

Now, about the evening meal.

Suit yourself.

You must have your methods,

what time d'ya give it?

I'll ask me wife, she's catering.

What time you going out fishing?

We've got the boat for the tide, 6:45 PM.

I'll see what time the meal can be fixed.

Something hot?

We want to keep the chill out.

I'll check what time she's
catering for the evening meal.

Thanks.

And if it can't be fixed, we'll eat out.

Chips somewhere.

I'm sure we can do something,
we aren't inflexible.

Thanks and you'll come
out fishing with us.

Oh, yes, thanks.

See that for class.

Them sheets ay, all laid on.

They're miners.

Miners?

Yes, from Leeds.

You know what that means don't you?

No?

Trouble.

They want an evening meal.

Of course, they would, they
want everything don't they.

They wanted to know what time it would be.

Time?

Oh their time, of course.

They said that if the meal time coincided

with their going out, they would eat out.

Well what time they going out?

[Brian] 6:45 PM.

That's what time the meal is.

I thought we could fix it earlier?

6:45 PM, that's what
time the evening meal is.

My hours aren't flexible.

I mean, put them on some
soup at six o'clock.

I'm not souping for them at six

or anything other time.

They will be served an
evening meal at 6:45 PM.

They've asked me to go fishing with them.

In the boat.

Well you're not.

I see no harm, I'd like to.

The harm is that you've
got work to do here,

that's what the harm is,
so don't you forget it.

Besides, it'll cost you money.

No, the boat's paid for,

and they'll lend me a rod and bait.

Oh where do they get money
from to lend rods and baits?

And hire boats, and stay
in hotels, and drink?

Can you visualise what their
wives are doing back in Leeds?

Because if you can't, I can.

And I'll say this,

that sort of life might
appeal to you for me

but I'm not having it,
I'm not having it I say,

so you can put that in
your pipe and smoke it.

I don't smoke, I can't afford it.

And there's no call for sarcasm.

What is a menu?

A me and you, a food list.

They'll be entrees.

Entrees.

What's entrees?

Don't be ignorant.

Entrees.

You've seen it on the side of
meat bottle label haven't ya?

I never read meat sauce bottle labels.

Well you ought to start.

A revelation they are.

It says on the label
to be taken with fish,

cheese, meat, and entrees.

And that's what we'll get, entrees.

Well I don't know what entrees are.

Oh well, leave it on
the side of your plate.

What's the time?

I'm hungry, all this talk of entrees.

4:15 PM.

Well I hope they grub up soon.

Another thing, the waiter

always waits your left-hand side,

so don't go showing your ignorance

by dipping your right shoulder.

It'll come via the left.

What's that for then?

It's tradition.

What sort of tradition then?

It's from way back.

Yeh but why?

Do you know why a gentleman
always walks on the outside

of a lady on the pavement?

Do you know that?

No.

But why do they serve
over your left shoulder?

A gentleman always walks
on the outside of the lady

'cos in the old days it
left his sword hand free

to defend her ya see, whip it out.

In the old days.

And the tradition has come down.

Well, why do they serve
over your left shoulder?

It's same sort of thing.

I don't bloody know.

So you had your sword hand free

to whip him in the gut if
you didn't like the fodder.

And that's enough of
that talk at the table.

Fodder.

You're not at home now.

My Mrs would just be putting on

a pan on broth now for tea.

Ay, you just say to her,

get that pan on then get upstairs

and we'll have a turn
before I have me tea.

[laughs] It's good to
get away for the rest.

Did you know mussels is an aphrodisiac?

What's that then, aphrodisiac?

You know, it sets ya on.

[Howard] Go on, you're kidding?

It's an aphrodisiac.

It's sets you on mussels does.

I don't believe it.

In the pub, Saturday night,

when the cockle man comes round,

I'll have myself a bit of
seafood, never sets me on.

That's because you've have too much ale,

that sets you off.

But if you drank water and ate mussels,

or lemonade and mussels,

it will set you on.

I couldn't face one of
these bloody starlets

on lemonade and mussels.

[door knocks]

Shh, here comes the man of the peace,

come to announce dinner,

dinner is served me lords.

Come in, it's your house, you're welcome.

It's about the evening meal.

[Pat] Oh aye, what time?

6:45 PM.

We can't do that.

We'll miss the tide.

We have to be inflexible
over schedules out of season.

If it was in season we're very flexible,

but not out of season,
we've got to be inflexible.

That's understandable.

Out of season.

You're still coming out
fishing with us though?

I'm afraid I can't manage it this time.

To a fish shop cafe, lads.

I'm glad in a way, bloody entrees.

[uplifting trumpet music]

Ayup lass!

What d'ya want then?

The fish is fresh.

So what have you got?

Cod.

You've got no mussels have ya?

No.

Come on, give us some mussel.

We've only got cod.

I'll tell ya what lass,

I'll give you a treat one day lass,

I'll take you out for a mussel supper.

That you won't.

With lemonade?

Not with sherry you wouldn't.

Oh we could get pleasure
with mussels, you and me.

Come on, what's your order?

You wouldn't fill it, love.

Three times is it?

[Pat] I'm not a sexual maniac.

Look, if you're not careful
I shall send for the manager.

Like that is it?

Come on, come on, order.

Well if you've got no mussels,

how's your plaice?

It's off.

Sorry about that love.

Ay, ay, come on lads.

Double cod and chips three times, love,

plenty of salt and vinegar sprinkled on

with your fair hands,

and wrap it up in a paper we like to read.

It's on a plate.

She's changed her mind.

You won't need any sauce will ya.

I wouldn't mind getting
her on the end of a line.

You'd rather dangle the
fish than her, wouldn't ya.

You know what?

What?

I'm glad to be out, I like
this style of life meself.

No edge.

Oh, me and all.

Them other hotels, you
pay for the service.

Aye, true enough.

You're paying for the silver
serviette rigs all the time.

Here we are then.

There's something you ought to know, love.

Oh-ah, what's that?

The left-hand side, you serve
over the left-hand side.

I like your right ear.

Anything else then?

No, that's lovely, pet.

Well don't fall in your tea mug,

the life guard's on holiday.

We thought you'd pull us out love.

We'll give it ya, pet.

Aye, I'm sure.

It's a nice lass is that.

I like a girl who can take a joke.

This is a lot of fish a chips.

Better put them down ya.

Put a good line of grease on your stomach.

A lining of grease?

Sea sickness.

Go on, does it?

A good lining on the stomach
stops the sea sickness.

A good lining of grease does.

Right, tuck in then.

And we'll be off.

♪ The fishermen of England ♪

♪ The fishermen of England ♪

♪ Are on the driving sea ♪

Ay, I tell ya what,

we better take a little crate
of beer on the boat with us

in case the pubs are
shit when we get back.

I'll put that proposition to the vote.

All those in favour?

Aye.

Aye.

Aye.

Carried.

I suggest a small amendment.

We make it a big one.

[mellow trumpet music]

[men laughing]

Will you have a bottle
with us then, fisherman?

No, not me.

Upset you will it?

Upset your stomach?

No, beer's all right if you can take it.

I'll have a sup of tea.

Have a glass of brown ale, fisherman.

I'll have a sup of tea when we've stopped.

How far ya taking us then, fisherman?

To the cod grounds.

Know where they are?

Bloody should.

Will we be out of sight
of land then, fisherman?

We want to be out of sight of land.

Aye, near enough, you will.

♪ Feel the blue horizon ♪

♪ That's where my lonely heart was ♪

Ah, this is the life, you're
a lucky man, fisherman.

Ya wanna go open the bloody bits fella

to know what the open air tastes like.

[inhales loudly]

Ah, gulp that down ya lungs, fella.

You don't wanna take too much in ya know.

Too much?

You can't get too much

when you've spent your
life down the mines.

It can upset your stomach.

Now look fisherman, look,

don't mind me, is a full stomach
what you need for the sea?

Is it now, I ask ya.

Is a full stomach what
ya need for the sea?

Depends.

On what?

On what ya fill it with.

There y'ar, didn't I tell ya?

Grease is all right, is it fisherman?

A greasy stomach, like chips.

Bread.

[Pat] We had bread and all.

Ah, but chips.

Ah, I wouldn't have chips.

Not if you've got a
stomach that'll be upset.

Ah, we have good stomachs.

I got a lining of brown ale and tobacco.

Waterproof my gut is.

Like a lifebelt.

[relaxing instrumental music]

[boat engine chugs]

[buoy bell rings]

[boat engine chugs]

This is the life.

Hey, Moby bloody Dick.

Worth every penny.

It's a still sea though, fisherman.

Oh aye.

Still enough.

I'd have liked a bit of
the rough stuff meself.

The old white horses jumping at the sky.

[Fisherman] Aye, enough swell on though.

Swell is nothing.

I want to point my feet to heaven.

It's like Leeds Central Park lake this is.

Deceiving.

Mind you fisherman, we want
to stay out the full time,

the full three hours.

[Fisherman] I never cut it short.

Why not?

I come out for full trip.

And I stop out.

Come wind or blow.

They'll be no wind, no
blow tonight, I'm sure.

No, sea might swell a bit.

But no white horses.

It won't break.

[relaxing instrumental music]

[waves crash against boat]

♪ Oo-Ray and up she rises ♪

♪ Oo-Ray and up she rises ♪

♪ Oo-Ray and up she rises ♪

♪ Early in the morning. ♪

[slurring singing and laughing]

♪ Oo-Ray and up she rises ♪

♪ ♪ Oo-Ray and up she rises ♪

I would've liked white horses though.

Tossing and throwing
their spew in the sky.

Remember Masefield?

When we did that workers education course

to get us to have the afternoons off.

English literature.

It were Masefield that set me off.

Masefield.

The blown bloody spew

and sea drift, and sea gulls sailing.

This is it.

Better than the River Severn this is.

Middle of the bloody canal.

Better than the pit pool.

Aye, pit pool.

Started off fishing when we
were kids in the pit pool.

Fishing is the pit pool,
would ya believe it.

What a thing to do.

Then graduated to the canal.

Be on the atlantic yet.

Bloody Chichester.

The Chichester brothers we'll be.

Fishing for tunny and shark.

Waves like mountains.

I'd have gone in the Navy in the war.

Bugger staying down the pit.

I'd have gone in the...

I'd have gone in the Navy.

I'd have signed up in the Navy.

I bet you were in the Navy, fisherman.

Never.

Never went nowhere.

Reserved occupation.

Fishing?

Aye.

Well, I've a reserved occupation then.

Brian would've gone fishing

if it had been up to me, personally.

[Fisherman] Right, you can start

getting your tackle ready.

All right.

Last one in is a sissy.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

What's the matter with him?

I've got a cold.

Got a cold?

Oh don't say it, why he's sea sick.

Oh come on, for God's sake,

we're not there yet, we haven't started.

Stop, stop the engine.

Stop the engines.

Fish from here lads, stop the engines.

Will we catch owt from here, fisherman?

Can't promise, but I'm
not stopping the engines.

I said this trip was for cod grounds

and that's where we're going.

Fair enough, that was the contract.

We'd have been the first to complain

if he hadn't taken us
there in the first place.

Here, let me load the line for ya.

I'm gonna die.

You'll be all right.

When the engine stops.

Ah, we'll be stopping shortly.

[instrumental music]

Right, stopping the engine now.

Stopping the engines, you'll be fine.

You'll be jumping better than any of us.

Right fisherman?

Aye, this is the place.

[boat engine chugs]

[boat engine chugs to a halt]

Oh, it's started up again.

Oh come off it Abe.

I was all right, I was
fine when it was all going.

It's the cutting out.

The man can't run his
engines, can ya fisherman?

Can't, not got the fuel.

There then.

Come on lads, buck up, look cheerful.

Abe, cast and concentrate on the fishing.

You'll feel grand.

Not me.

I couldn't.

I'll be all right in a minute.

You can't curl up in the
bottom, you'll go to sleep.

Where are you?

Let me come alongside you.

What's that on your mouth?

On you mouth?

There's a trickle coming
out of your mouth.

It's brown ale.

[vomiting and retching]

I'll cast for you.

I'll look after the lines, lads.

But if you get a bite you'll
have to wind it for yourselves.

You fishing, fisherman?

Not me.

Brought you to do the fishing.

I'll smoke.

Smoke?

[vomiting and retching]

My turn, your cast.

You're fishing boy.

Get in action.

Now Abe.

[reel wheel clicks as it spins]

Get out boy, the trips on!

Sure you won't take a line, fisherman?

Not me.

If I want to fish I'll come fishing,

I gave it up long ago.

You have it up long ago?

Fishing, aye.

But this boat?

Take trippers.

You aren't a fisherman?

It don't pay.

Ah, that's bad, fisherman, that's bad.

A man has a right to the
real life, hasn't he.

I can't afford to fish.

And you've been a fisherman all this time?

Generations of it?

Far back.

And you wear your jersey
and your whiskers,

and you aren't a real fisherman?

That's sad, that's sad.

Your mates got one on, I'll reel it in.

We might be rough and ready fellas,

but we're staying at one of
them there hotels ya know.

Cliff view like, it's got its standards,

but we can live up to them.

I believe in the dignity of
the working man, fisherman.

It's a cod.

It's a big 'un.

Oh!

Whoa.

I'll have to leave the
line to you, fisherman.

[solemn trombone music]

They're not back yet.

There's no use losing
sleep, let's get to bed.

No, I'm quite wide awake after that walk.

I'm fresh enough for a coffee.

Coffee?

You know you'll be awake all night.

I'd never sleep anyway
with a fishing party in.

Now you've got me on edge.

Look at the time.

Look at the time.

You don't mean to tell me
they're still out at that time?

They've found some pub,
that's what they've done.

At this time?

That's what they'll be doing.

Sitting in some back room doing
some after hours drinking.

Smoking and playing cards,

and getting themselves excited.

Then they'll stagger back here

and we shall bare the brunt of it.

[solemn instrumental music]

[groans and catching of breath]

I remember nothing.

I'm cold.

I feel like Christ and
the draught of the fishes.

[Abe] I didn't know anything
until we was landing.

[Pat] I'm cold.

It were magical.

He were pulling them in all night.

There must have been
a secret to the shoal.

How are ya?

I wish I were dead.

The sea hasn't stopped rocking.

How are you?

I'm cold, I wanna go to bed.

Go to bed.

There's no rush to bed.

I wanna be in bed, warm and comfortable.

And die.

I wonder if the bed will rock.

It's all rocking.

There's no stillness left.

This seat's rocking, or
is it my imagination?

It's rocking.

You still feel sick then?

Won't hide it.

Because if you're still feeling sick,

I'm thinking of those sheets.

I don't care about the sheets.

I don't care.

I wanna go to bed!

We shall have to tip-toe in then.

Not to wake them up.

[solemn instrumental music]

[door latch clicks open]

[door mildly squeaks open]

[coughs]

[gasps]

Get him under the sheets.

He's between sea sick and drunk.

I'll get his jacket off,
he'll soil the sheets.

There we go.

Shh.

Shh.

You better go to bed.

You're white as a sheet.

I feel grand but I'll do as you say.

Sleep well Abe.

For God's sake, don't
be sick on these sheets,

I'd never forgive myself.

Is there a pot?

Here, under the bed there's a pot.

Can you hear me?

You've got the pot besides
you if you need it.

There.

Dear God.

I'm thankful to you for this.

Please stop the bed rocking.

Have you got a pot?

[Pat] Are you feeling sick and all?

I am.

[Pat] Is there one under your bed?

You're not expecting me
to stoop for it are ya?

Suppose I'll have to.

Steady.

Oh darling, you're lovely,
let's share your potty.

[groans]

There's no potty.

This is a fine thing.

Still, if I leave him there,
they'll be no soiled sheets.

They'll be only one pair of soiled sheets

and mine will be all right.

Any man needing the pot
in the night, give a call,

and the other two much
relinquish his hold on it.

Forthwith.

Dear God.

I'm never going bloody
fishing again in my life.

They're not back yet.

No sign nor sight of them?

No sound of them, no smell of them.

Their bed's not been slept in?

No.

Did you look in all the rooms?

I'll looked in the first I come to.

You should've looked in them all.

You don't think they'd separate do you?

That type don't separate, agreed.

They stick together
through thick and thin.

Well, they're not coming
back now, that's for certain.

They've ordered bed and
evening meal, and breakfast,

and I'm serving breakfast.

I'm not having them getting at me

through the guild of hoteliers.

I'm putting cornflakes on the table,

and I'm serving three hard boiled eggs.

Even if they never put in an appearance.

12 guineas for three hard boiled eggs

and a plate of cornflakes.

I'm laying it now.

You must be mad.

The breakfast laying night hawk.

[pots rattling]

What's that?

It's movement.

It's only four o'clock.

Time for the early shift.

Shh, shh, she's gonna hear us.

Lie back, go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

What's the rattle do you think?

It's the hotel landlady.

Laying the breakfast.

Already?

Move about early.

It is early isn't it.

What d'ya reckon it'll be?

What for breakfast?

A place like this?

Smoked kippers, local kippers it'll be,

smoked over a charcoal fire.

Charcoal, that's the stuff
we took over from isn't it?

Aye, charcoal smoked kippers.

Now turn over and go back to sleep,

and let them wait on our
hand, foot and fingers.

[bed creaks]

[exhaling loudly]

[sea gulls squawk outside]

Well, it's laid and I'm waiting.

I can do no more than that.

If they're in they can have it,

and if they're not in
they can do without it.

But if they are in and they're
not down by nine o'clock,

that cloth comes off.

We are the smiling service.

[cuckoo clock chimes]

They're in and they're coming down.

Morning Mrs.

Morning, take a seat.

Sleep well?

Aye, well enough.

Cereal?

None for me thank you.

Oh.

Cereal?

Not for me today thank you.

Plenty of that at home.

Cereal?

Is this here fresh creamed
milk straight from the cow?

It's corked, delivery.

They deliver it.

I'm not bothered.

No cereal.

No offence son.

And now for the main course.

Oh well, I fancied a couple
of them home-smoked kippers.

Over charcoal.

We have no kippers, I'm sorry.

Off are they?

They were never on.

What do you suggest then?

We have bacon and egg, or
sausage and egg, or boiled egg.

I'll have a bit of bacon,

and sausage and egg then, please.

No.

It is bacon and egg or sausage and egg.

You can't mix them?

That is the menu, I cannot
tamper with the menu.

I'll have sausage and egg then, Mrs,

and a pot of tea.

You would've had the pot of tea anyway.

I'll have the same please.

Me too, please.

Thank you.

Maybe the bacon will be smoked.

Aye.

Do you think I dare
ask for the meat sauce?

Oh don't worry, I'll ask for ya.

I don't want you asking
in a place like this,

it's how you ask, I'll ask.

It's an entree dish you see.

We're in with the meat
sauce, we're laughing.

Dare I smoke.

After the meal, smoke after.

Over the tea, you can dwell

over the tea with a cigarette you see.

But I usually have one before breakfast.

You used to have a jump before breakfast

but not here.

You know what was said to
the man with his flies open?

No.

You're showing your ignorance.

Oh shush, here she comes.

Nice to have a smiling service, ay.

How's that for smiling service, Mrs.

[sea gulls squawk outside]

Ay Mrs, you're not going
up to our room yet are ya?

I don't as a rule, until guests have gone.

Well don't, wait 'til we're
out that door will ya.

Just for us.

Hmm, all right.

What did I tell ya, notice how it came?

Via the left.

They've been up to something in the night.

I don't know what it is but
they've been up to something.

Your imagining things.

Don't go up to the room, they said,

until after we've gone,

wait 'til we're out of the door.

You can't tell me that's imagination.

I kept looking in the
bedroom, they weren't even in.

God knows what they've been up to.

I wouldn't put it past
them if they had an orgy.

Why don't we clear off?

Well if that's your lot, you've had it.

[Pat] Was nicely cooked.

Wasn't much of it though.

Maidens water.

I tell ya what we can do,

go to the mall by the bus station

and have a pint of that brown brew.

Ay, that's an idea like.

Well they do make a lovely pot of tea

at the bus station mobile.

And you can stick as much sugar in it

as you like without
feeling, you know, pigging.

And we'll get the morning papers.

Morning papers, listen to the sea gulls,

by a pot of tea.

I could have one of his bacon sandwiches.

Well done with one of the slices dipped.

I'll join ya there.

Ay, I might squeeze one
of them meself ya know.

To support the fella, like,

to support small traders.

Right, a vote on it.

All hands up, get the gear.

Mind you, they treat us right here.

Now they've looked after us,
they've served us all right.

No bother.

But they should've had kippers on.

They should've had kippers.

Have they got a suggestion box?

We'll drop a note in.

You should serve kippers
for breakfast, smoked.

No suggestion box.

Well put it under the plate then.

Give me a pencil.

Paper?

Here, use a serviette.

I will as hell use a serviette.

Serviettes are for wiping
egg off your chin with

not writing notes.

Here, back of a betting slip.

Aye, the best of people bet.

Dear Landlady, thank you
for a pleasant evening,

And wonderful service.

And wonderful service.

But you should serve smoked
kippers for breakfast.

Over charcoal.

Over charcoal.

Right, under the plate.

Lads, shouldn't something
else be under that plate?

What's that then?

A token of our appreciation.

Go on, whip round.

I can chip in with seven...

Give us a couple of bob.

I was saving that!

We'll have it.

To live like a pig is to live like a lord.

Hell's flame, I could
buy breakfast for that.

Ay, stop your grumbling,
there's no use for it.

Come on.

Shall we tip-toe off to the mobile?

Let's.

[door closes]

They've gone.

Just as well I made them pay on arrival.

I'm going upstairs to
have a look, and quick.

Up to bedroom?

I want to see what damage they've left us.

Look.

With a note.

The best of the catch.

Thank you for a pleasant
evening and wonderful service,

but you should serve smoked
kippers for breakfast.

Are they being funny?

No, love.

But I think we are.

[solemn instrumental music]

[uplifting instrumental music]