Play for Today (1970–1984): Season 10, Episode 8 - The Slab Boys - full transcript

[drum beats]

[radio chattering]

["A White Sport Coat and a Pink
Carnation" by Marty Robbins]

♪ I'm all dressed up for the dance ♪

Well?

I like it.

That's because you're a true peck.

♪ Sport coat and a pink carnation ♪

Morning, Phil.

You're early today,
it's only half past 11.

Has anybody been looking for us?



Willie Curry was in

looking for that lemon
yellow you promised to grind.

Aye, and Spanky told me you had diarrhoea

you'd take a big dish shit
and told him later on.

Aha, there you are laddy.

Where you been this morning?

That Farrell there says you were unwell.

Ah, yes.

Come on McCann, what was up with you?

Eh, touch of the drottle.

The what?

The skitters.

It was very bad.

Well, why didn't you
come to see me earlier?



I could've got nurse
to have a look at you.

Well, it's not what you'd
call a spectator sport.

In future, you report all
illnesses to me first sign.

How am I supposed to keep
tabs on you slab boys

when I don't know where the devil you are?

I was doing the lavvies.

You wouldn't have got
much done down there.

Well, I wouldn't say that, Mr. Curry.

God's truth, if I'd have
had you chaps in Burma.

Diarrhoea?

There were men in my platoon

fighting the Japanese redecently.

Is that how we managed
to beat them, Mr Curry?

Less of your cheek, Farrell.

Couple of years in the forces

might knock some damn
sense into your heads.

And what have I told you

about bring that contraption in here?

Bloody tonk tonks.

Whoever belongs to this can
ask Mr. Barton for it back.

I'll be back in five minutes.

Now get on with your work.

He's jumpy this morning, eh?

My wireless.

My ma will murder me.

How's she going to hear what
happens to the Archers now?

This is the slab room.

One last stop on the tour.

This is where the powder paint

is ground and dished for the designers.

You saw the paper patterns out there.

The lads here divvy up some
colour from those big drums.

Rose pink, magenta, Persian yellow.

Dump it onto these slabs,

add some gum Arabic.

Do we have some gum Arabic, Hector?

Oh Hector, this is Alan.

Alan Downie, Hector McKenzie.

Hi.

Now, one needs just enough gum

to prevent the paint from
flaking off the drafting paper

and then it's just a case of grinding

to get rid of the impurities, okay?

Would someone like to dish that?

You'll be pleased to hear

you won't be having too much contact

with these unsalubrious surroundings.

Mr. Barton's put you
in with Bobby Sinclair.

His department's a bit more
wholesome than this one.

When are you off, Jackie Boy?

Not wanting to rush you at that.

George Farrell, known to
one and all as Spanky.

Aye Blooky Chop, thems boils
of your are highly smittled.

No need to get personal, McCann.

Get away from me.

Hector, fling us out of the dettle.

This is all because I'm on a desk.

It's a bloody operating
table you're wanting be on.

Oh, that face.

You can put in for
plastic surgery, you know?

And a pimple-ectomy.

It would only take about six months?

-And a team of surgeons.
-With pliers!

I'll have to go now, Alan.

Sorry, there's a couple of trials

I've got to have a look at.

The boss would like you to
show Alan what goes on here

in the way of work.

[feet stomping]

What did you say your name was again, son?

Alan, Alan Downie.

Okay Alma, let's show you something

of the mysteries of the slab room.

-Mr. Farrell?
-Yes, Mr. Mac?

Just showing Alphonse here

some of the intricacies of our work.

I wonder if you and the boy there

would care to start to the mountainside

and keep it to the roads?

Certainly, Hector?

Thank you.

Right, Alec.

Now, this here is what
we cry a sink, S-I-N-K.

Now I don't expect you

to pick up all these terms immediately,

but you'll soon get the hang of it.

And here is what we cry a slab-boy.

Can you say it?

Slab boy.

Good.

Note the keen eye,

the firm set of the jaw,

forced up under cucumber frames, you know?

Note too, the ass
hanging out the trousers.

This lasts because the
slab boy is expected

to put in a full eight
hour sweated labour a week

for a few measly shillings.

And all the gum crystals you can eat.

Hence the firm set of the jaw.

Don't you wish you was one
of this happy breed, Andrew?

Grinding out those spanking
shades for our designer chappies

so that they in their turn

can turn out those gay little rugs

one sees in all more select stores.

Don't you wish you was a slap boy?

Sounds like fun,

but Mr. Barton's put me
in with Bobby Sinclair.

How much you getting?

Three pounds a week was suggested.

Three pounds a week?

But that's more than us
lot get put together.

Is Wallace Bathroom your uncle or what?

Wallace Barton, the boss.

Course he isn't.

How much did you get in your last job?

I haven't had a job before.

I'm out of the uni.

-Eh?
-Eh?

The university.

I've only just left school.

-What age are you?
-19.

Did you get kept back a lot?

Cut it out, you pair.

Don't pay any attention to them.

Less of the collaboration, kiddo.

We fought two World Wars
for the likes of you.

Aye, that lad there lost a
couple of legs at Wipers.

So that the world would get
cleaner and better place.

Where a man could walk tall.

Legs or no legs.

Where's Sadie with that trolley?

I'm starving.

Hey Alvaro, you got the time?

It's almost quarter past.

And what's the wind speed at
the top of the Eiffel Tower?

[slab boys chuckle]

What are those jars and things over there?

Gosh Alfred, I thought
you would never ask.

Well, this one here
contains the mortal remains

of one Joe McBride.

The oldest slab boy

in the long history of
this illustrious company,

going on for 84 was Joe

when they finally made him a designer.

Of course the shock was too
much to the elderly chap.

And when the cleaners arrived

in the design room Monday morning,

they found a veteran slab boy

slumped over his newly acquired desk,

stone dead.

His hoary old paint in a jar,

a jar of freshly ground indigo.

You know what to say, Arthur?

What's that?

When you indigo, you're in to go.

Sorry I took so long, Alan.

Bit of bother with one of the trials.

Fancy a recky rounder of work?

Yeah, smashing.

Yeah, get them in quick mind.

The wee headies will eat you alive,

they're like piranas.

Mind you, you'll be
alright with Jackie-Boy,

none of the lassies go near him.

They all dive under the looms

as soon as they see his kisser.

I'm gonna take note of all that.

I don't wish take bandy
works with the likes of you.

We don't wish to bandy
legs with the like of you,

tone face.

You thinking Arthur
needs catching, Spanks?

What, you mean like Jack's blokes?

No, I'm serious.

Your ma again?

Aye, they took her away last night.

And she wasn't all that bad either.

Not for her, that is.

All she did was put in
a corporate of windies

and run up the street
with her hair on fire.

How long will she be in for this time?

Ah, the usual six weeks, probably.

First week, tied to a rubber mat,

the next five, wired up to a generator.

Shocking.

You know, I asked for
me to get in to see her

when she's undergoing that SSEV treatment.

Never knew it was the last time.

Kept crossing herself with Lucozade

and asked my father if
he was Herman Leave.

My old man, he's hopeless.

He thinks it's like diptheria and that.

"The doctor are doing their best, Annie.

"You'll be home soon."

Taking that medicine again.

Medicine?

An injection of Benzedrine
if I fall asleep,

a good batting if I don't.

Much bother when they
took her away last night?

Aye, they gave her a jack to knock her out

so as they could sign her
in as a voluntary patient.

Who is responsible for this?

Which one are you geniuses
are responsible for this mess?

Look at that paper, look at it.

Feel it, go on, feel it,
it's like dandruff cast.

This colour has just been thrown
onto your slab, willy nilly,

whisked around a couple
of times in a disc,

nay damn gum, nothing.

It's a disgrace.

Things were a damn site different

when I first started on the slab.

12 and six a fortnight,

and we regarded it as a privilege
we was learning a trade.

But what trade was that, Mr. Curry?

Any more cheek out of you

and you'll be out in front of Mr. Barton

before you can say Axe Minster Brouwen.

And you, Farrell, what have
I told you about smoking?

Miss Walkinshaw found two dog ends

in the rose pint yesterday.

Not just one, two!

What have you got to say to that?

They were meant to be in emerald green.

This slab room used to
be my pride and joy,

not anymore.

Jeremy Robertson out there was
showing Mr. Barton a paper.

A contract Persian for Canada.

He held it apart and nothing
but scrolls dropped out!

And that colour cabinet
out there is half empty.

It was all full this morning.

I want these slabs glowing red
hot or there'll be trouble.

Big trouble!

I'll be back!

Do you think I should have jumped in

and asked him for the desk?

Aye, you might've been
lucky to go with your books.

What did you say was wrong
with you this morning, McCann?

Severe diarrhoea, Mr. Curry.

If you expect me to swallow that,

you're very much mistaken.

I'm putting a report in to Mr. Barton

and you, McCann, are top of the list.

And you can wipe that grin
up your face, Farrell.

-You're on the list too.
-What for?

What have I done?

For your little pal there,

there's little you think
you can't get away with.

Well, I'm not standing for it.

That colour cabinet down
there speaks for itself.

Oh, talking furniture.

Wait a minute,

I'm not supposed to fill it by myself?

What about them?

What about Hector?

He never says nothing to help.

You McKenzie, I'll see
you later in my office.

What you go and say that for?

You're a rotten big bastard.

-Sew your fat face.
-Shut your face!

I'm buggered if I'm gonna carry the can

for the colour cabinet being empty.

Half empty, don't exaggerate.

Well, it's not my job.

I can't fill it by myself.

Look at these dishes.

What was it you were late anyhow?

She hopped the police
with the alarm broke.

Hopped the police?

Aye, they got a phone call

from the manager of the
coal room about his windies.

They knew we had to come.

It's the third time.

Does she not like the coal?

We get all our clothes through there.

Aye, it was a bit of lovely
suit that her Jim got.

When it got to him, it only
had one leg in the trousers

and the bastards wouldn't exchange it.

Said it was something to do
with the nap of the cloth.

And what did you do, amputate?

No, Jimmy just had to shove
both legs into one trouser.

Gave him a kind of swivelling mince.

That was the only thing.

I used to wonder but your gem,

that must've been what it was.

He used to arrive into the jegging,

20 sailor boys in his wake.

Hey, I had an Uncle Bertie
that was in the Navy.

Oh, here we go again.

We know what he done with his boat.

Ship.

The Royal Oak.

His photo's on the mantle piece.

He was only 19.

Hector, nobody mentioned
your Uncle Bertie.

He was my mother's only brother.

I know.

He'll get his medals in the press

and his clothes up on the wall.

It's his clothes are
in the press and his--

-Oh for God's sake.
-Mate.

And he died for his country!

Okay, Hector, okay.

Look, I was only kidding
about the 20 sailors.

Honest, honest.

-It was 40!
-You're a bloody bastard!

He's a navy guard for
nothing now in your head.

My uncle was a volunteer!

Straight on them battleships
for the sea scouts

and he was wounded twice.

-Tea's hot!
-Before he was killed.

[woman singing]

What's wrong with you's?

Come on, your tea's up.

Where's my wing?

Come and see what your
mammy's brought you.

That's for being a good boy.

There's only the one.

The rest for the boardroom.

I get Miss McDonald to put
an extra one on for my baby.

-Come on, Sadie.
-Come on!

Shut it, you's.

That boy needs a wee treat.

There's fairy cakes for you's.

-Give us a bite, Heck.
-Off!

Get going you pair of hooligans.

Enjoy that, flower.

That's the stuff.

Now come on you's two.

What do you want, tea or coffee?

-Tea.
-Tea, right.

Give us one of your fairy cakes.

Mary's been putting cement in them again.

Where's our coffee?

Please, watch your mouth.

Your mothers would be ashamed
of you's sought, they would.

Oh I say, look what's
just strolled in Cherry.

That ballet bounder that
fagging for spotted Jack.

Bless my boater if you
ain't right, Nugent.

Think I'll try a tea, please.

See that?

There's a showing up for you.

There's what you cry manners.

How'd you end beside these boys?

Just temporarily.

I'll be in Bobby Sinclair's department.

Very nice.

You never put your money in the tin.

Come on, three of 'ems
for tea, four for coffee.

I said four of 'ems, come on.

I've only got a tenner.

That's alright, I have plenty of coppers.

And when did you start, son?

This morning.

-What do they call you?
-Albert.

-Agnes.
-Alan.

-Dowdie.
-Dodles.

Downie.

Look son,

I come round every morning
and afternoon with tea.

I'll try and bring you something
nice after dinner time.

Thanks very much.

-Sadie.
-Sadie.

[slab boys cheer]

That boy could learn you
savages a thing or two.

You stick in, son.

You'll go places.

Now have you got your tickets
for the staff dance tonight?

Christ, is that tonight?

Drop the act.

Aye, it's tonight

and I don't see your
name down here as paid.

Come on, stump up.

Sadie, have a heart.

I gave you my last tenner

but I'll pay you next week.

You'll pay me after dinner time

or you'll hand your ticket back.

Now you boys get plenty.

I mark you down for this afternoon.

-You still going, Phil?
-I suppose so.

-You got yours, Spanky?
-Aye.

Hey, what about you, son?

I don't see your name down here.

You're gonna miss this year.

Do you not want one, son?

How much are they again?

15 shillings the single, 25 the double.

I'll take the double.

[Phil and Spanky scoff]

-What?
-I said I'll take the double.

That's what I thought you said, son.

Seeing both of you's have a lovely time.

What about you, sweetheart?

I hadn't thought about it.

Well, you always know who's
got the tickets if you do.

Oh, I better away.

Them directors will be greeting

if they don't get their cookies.

Cheers, thanks son.

Thanks, son.

You're a real gentleman.

Thanks.

I suggest you get your money together.

-McCann?
-Alright.

Hector?

You didn't needin' to go that far.

I know we were giving
you the needle and that

but he didn't have to go and
throw a 25 bob away on a ticket

just to get your aim back.

We never said your Uncle
Bertie was like that.

Doesn't run in families anyhow.

Aye, not like lunacy.

What?

Hey, hey.

He said he knows that.

-Porch.
-He started it.

Who are you going with anyhow, Heck?

Anybody we know?

There's no warrant face
for the posters, is it?

Come on, Hector, who's Miss X?

Mind your own business.

It's not Miss Walkinshaw.

It's not Miss McBern with the big cookies.

Doesn't leave much to choose for?

No, I think it's a big kid on.

Who do you say, Phil?

If you's must know, it's Lucille Bentley.

-Who?
-What?

Lucille Bentley?

Lucille would never consider

going to the staff dance with you, Hector.

Lucille and you Heck?

Where did you get the par ticket?

And then all of a sudden?

Well, I haven't yet.

-God, I'm busting!
-Who'd have believed it.

Well, what do you make of that, Spanks?

Here he was off hiding his life.

Yeah, could've been all of hiding.

[heels clicking]

What one of you sarcolactic anuses

has been in at Miss
Walkinshaw's lunch pale?

Her sardine and chutney sandwich

is covered with RCA and
her oranges went missing.

You're greedy pigs, so you are.

You know she's got calliper.

Is there any of them dish rags?

Dish rag.

Voila.

You've just missed him.

-Lover boy.
-Who?

The economy sized Casanova,

he just went out.

He's a wee guy, with that height.

He's looking forward to the
dance with you, Lucille.

What are you's talking about?

-Hector.
-So?

[Spanky] So you've just missed him, love.

We're just letting you know.

Thanks.

Is that supposed to be significant
or am I just being thick?

Can you translate all that?

I think they're meaning

about you and Hector
going to the staff dance.

What?!

Me and who?

-Hector.
-Hector?

Who's been giving you that guff?

It's a staff's dance not
a teddy bear's picnic.

You mean somebody actually
said that I was going with?

[Both] Aye, somebody actually said.

Don't make me laugh.

Hector?

I've seen better hanging
off a Christmas tree.

[feet stomping]

Oh, here it comes, Prince Charming.

You shall go to the ball, Lucille.

What was all that mouthwash
you were giving us

about you and Lucille going to the staffy,

you little tolly.

And me and him believing you.

She's just been in here!

You never gave us a chance to explain.

What's to explain?

You led us to believe

that your and her were
gonna cut a rug tonight.

Well, I was gonna ask her.

That's what I thought he meant,

that he was going to ask her.

Who cares what you thought, sunny boy?

You just stand there
and model that blazer.

I hadn't actually said I had asked her.

Ah, well you certainly gave me and Spanks

the impression that you had.

Well, it struck a wrong
chord for me at the time

that a doll like Lucille

would fancy patting
herself like you to dance.

I mean, you see, look at you.

Heck, you are a mess.

What's up with me?

Everything's up with you.

Look at the state of
your clothes for a start.

There's nothing up with my clothes.

There's nothing up with my clothes.

You must be joking.

I've seen more up to date
clothes on a garden gnome.

Style, Heck, that's what counts.

Style.

I can't really agree with that.

You throwing your voice, Phil?

Don't let them bully you.

Your clothes are perfectly alright.

Oh, I've found where the voice
is coming for you, Spanks.

Oh, creepy bricks here.

And what do you know about clothes?

'Cause you're nearly as bad as him.

Look at the trousers.

Phil, have a gander at the shoes.

God almighty, Alice, what's
that you've got on your feet?

They're better than those
efforts you're wearing.

The all British bubble boot,
endorsed my Dermot Walsh.

That is the very boot
that conquered Everest.

And you're comparing them

to a stupid lottin' pair of brogues?

What's wrong with brogues?

Well, the full of holes for a starts.

Alan?

The hog's foot's on.

[Spanky and Phil laughing]

Did you's really mean that about style?

Clothes and all that stuff?

Kidding aside.

I'm afraid we did, son.

I mean, what dame is
gonna take a guy seriously

with a head like that, Heck?

Well, I can't help the way my hair grows.

That's where you're wrong, kiddo.

Mr. McCann?

And don't worry about the clothes.

We'll organise something with them.

Sadie's got a Singer in the ladies.

-Now, I don't--
-Eh!

Do you wanting to go
the staffy with Lucille?

Aye, but--

Then leave it to Mr. McCann and myself.

His auntie used to be a professional.

In the dolls hospital.

Right, Phil,

do you want to take our
client down to the lavvies

and get the clothes off him?

I will do it!

-Miss Bentley, Hector.
-[Hector yelling]

[Phil and Hector shouting]

All on your own are you, George?

Couldn't find Bobby Sinclair anywhere

so I thought Alan could come
and do a spot in the slab room.

Floor's just been mopped.

If I see Bobby, I'll tell
him where you are, Alan.

Where's McKenzie?

Phil took another attack
and Hector to go with him.

Attack of what for God's sake?

Not the loose stools again?

Heck had to give him a
collar down the stairs.

God almighty.

What are you doing here, young fellow?

I thought you was accounted
to Bobby Sinclair?

Jack and I couldn't get
ahold of him, Mr. Curry.

He wasn't in his office.

God's truth.

This place gets more like
the Mary Celeste every day.

[Spanky laughs]

You're not too big for a
clip around the ear, Farrell.

Right.

Large sheet of paper if you please.

Is that what you call a large sheet?

It's all we've got.

Alan, nip down to the design room

and ask Mr. Brennan for
a large sheet of paper.

On you go.

Alright, any tracing paper?

-Tracing paper?
-Tracing paper.

-For tracing?
-Just so.

No.

What happened to that
role Mr. Barton left?

No trace of it.

Steady, Curry.

How's that gum coming along, Farrell?

I take it that is gum you're making?

Aye, but we don't have a lot of straw

in that last lot of crystals.

Probably camel chips.

Eh?

Dung, laddy.

Yes, manys a night we spent huddled

over the old camels chip bonfire

after a hard day's trek across the dunes.

Can get might chilly on a
desert evening, you know?

In packed at dromedary droppings,

crackling merrily away,

sending a fountain of bright sparks

winging into the velvet skies.

Some of the lads would even
get their ukuleles out.

Eh?

We'd have a sing song.

I don't suppose you
were ever in the Scouts?

No.

♪ We'll meet again ♪

♪ Don't know when, don't know ♪

Do you know that Vera Lynn's caravan

caught up with us at one time?

Tommy Christos Realto Kenema Alexandria.

10 minutes from the tram depot.

That's a lovely girl.

We were all there that night.

1500 Highland fusiliers waving
our passions in the dark

and shouting, "We'll get
the buggers what for, Vera!"

A lovely girl.

She wore a kilt that night.

♪ For I know we'll meet again ♪

♪ Some sa sa ♪

[Alan] Here you are, Mr. Curry.

Aha, there we are, lad.

Just set it down here.

Now then, I'm going to run
over a few pointers with you.

You'd be wise to pay particular attention.

You too, Farrell, you
might learn something.

You're never too long in the tooth

to learn how to execute a Farrell flaw.

Now, charcoal.

Eh?

Charcoal.

How can I get charcoal
with my hands all gum?

If you tell me where it
is, I'll get it myself.

We haven't got any.

Alan, nip out and ask Mr. Robertson

for some Willow charcoal.

On you go.

Oh, and a shammy.

Which one's Mr. Robertson?

Third desk from the window,
moustache, Briar pipe.

That not Miss Walkinshaw?

On you go, Alan.

I'm sorry, Mr. Curry, I've
forgotten what to ask for.

Willow charcoal and a shammy!

Farrell, Farrell.

What's this business
about McCann's mother?

Do you know anything about it?

Miss Walkinshaw's got a brother-in-law,

a shop manager in the housing scheme.

He was telling her about
some carry on last night,

McCann's mother was involved.

Fur Trees Crescent, they live down there?

No.

No, no, they've moved.

Couldn't have been Phil's
mother putting the window up.

Must've been some other loony.

Thank you, Farrell.

Here you are, Mr. Curry.

Is that all they had?

Oh, and a shammy.

I find it difficult to picture this

making its way sure-footedly

up the treacherous
slopes of the Matterhorn.

Still, I suppose it's have to do.

Alright.

Telephone, Mr. Curry.

Buggeration!

No, information.

It's an outside call from Glasgow.

Wait there, laddy.

I'll be back.

Are these yours?

No, they must be Phil's.

Hey, you better put them back.

If Phil catches you
going through his stuff,

he'll break your jaw.

You better close that folder.

Some of these are very
good, quite accomplished.

Oh, quite accomplished are they?

And what do you know about it?

Not a great deal.

Anyone can see they're rather good.

I'm warning you, if Phil comes back.

Hey, that's
what-do-you-call-him, isn't it?

Aye, Elvis.

Dead like him, isn't it?

I just had a word with your
dad on the telephone, Alan.

Didn't realise Paul
Downie was your father.

Chief Designer at Templars.

He's certainly come up in
the world since he left here.

What's this, eh?

Some of your artwork.

Dad been giving you a few lessons, eh?

What's this?

Glasgow School of Art, First
Year Entrance Examination,

Summer 1957.

They're not mine, Mr. Curry.

-Aye, they're not his.
-I was just having a look--

Who do they belong to then?

Certainly not yours, Farrell.

You have trouble trying to draw
water out of that tap there.

What's this?

P.J. McCann, 10 Fur Trees
Crescent, Ferguslie Park.

-Farrell?
-What?

Lay down the brushes

and fetch that crony of yours up here.

[Spanky] I have to wash my hands first.

Get the mitts washed then.

Alright then, Alan.

Now, what is the first thing we do

when starting a charcoal sketch?

Get a bit of charcoal.

That is right.

Get the wrist moving.

Make sure it is good and supple

before you even begin
to make a mark, got it?

Look, put your fingers there.

Now, feel that right?

-See what I mean there?
-Ah yes.

Am I interrupting something?

I'll come back later.

Ah, there you are, McCann.

Bowels back to normal?

[Phil] Oh, aye.

Nice of you to call in.

Perhaps you can enlighten
us with something.

What you doing with my drawings.

That's private.

There's nothing private in here, lad.

What is this?

Glasgow School of Art
Entrance Examination.

Well?

You're near right.

That portfolio is mine, I
collected it this morning.

So that's why you were
more than an hour late, eh?

That diarrhoea business
was just a red herring.

It wasn't me that told you
about the diarrhoea, it was him.

I smelled a rat as soon as
you walked in that door.

You were out collecting this little lot.

Now, I don't wish to accuse
you of being underhand, friend,

but don't you think it
might have been wise

-to ask permission before--
-You must be bloody joking.

Whose permission do I need, yours?

[Mr. Curry] Or Mr. Barton's.

-Ah, can't to--
-Watch it, lad!

Just you remember who you're talking to.

Any more of that and I'll be your judge--

Excuse me for interrupting, Mr. Curry,

your wife's on the telephone.

-What?!
-Right away.

Right.

Right!

Whose permission?

His bloody?

Did you hear them Spanks?

You didn't need to go and
show up us like that, did you?

What you talking about?

I was only trying to stop you
from getting into trouble.

-Some thanks I got.
-That isn't important.

Did you hear what that little keese

said about me going to the art school?

Oh, that's what all the noise was about.

Aye, Curry was making it
out that I was being devious

'cause I was wanting out of here.

I never knew nothing about it.

Well, I don't have to
tell you everything do I.

Oh?

You told us about your ma.

It's a pretty tough
entrance exam, you know?

I've tried it.

They don't let too many in.

That's right.

Now my father says--

Who cares what your father says?

He'll have as much idea
as pansy puck there.

-Oh, wait a minute.
-Come on,

-the boy was only saying--
-And you,

you like bumming me, you whore.

And it was you who showed Curry my folio.

What the hell?

It was me, if you must know.

And I didn't do it deliberately.

I told him to leave it alone, didn't I?

I don't see what all the
fuss is about anyway.

Time enough when the results come out.

I've got a friend sat the exam

and she says you don't
hear 'til next month.

You get a letter through the post.

Bully for her.

I'll be hearing sooner than that.

In fact, I'll know by this afternoon.

How come if Jack's with Jacks--

The lassie in the office
at the art school.

Said she'd give us a ring.

I gave her the number.

-This number?
-Aye.

Well, I don't see Willie
Curry passing it on.

He doesn't allow any personal calls

unless it's a matter of life or death.

I told her to say it was the hospital.

They're not supposed to do that.

It seems really unfair.

Other people have to wait.

I'm no other people, Jack.

Well I still think it's unfair.

-Don't you, Alan?
-Piss off, pimple chops.

Away back to your desk and fester?

I don't think you should
speak to Jack like that.

It's alright, Alan.

Thanks just the same.

I'll speak to anybody
anyway I like, bugger.

Leave it alone, Phil.

He's just a creepy shite
bag, there's no harm in him.

I think I'll get a breath of fresh air.

I think you better.

Hey, it'll blow over.

You know what Willie's like.

Did McKenzie come up here with you McCann?

Oh, I thought he was up here already.

You tell him to come to my
office the moment he appears.

See what I mean?

It's Hector he's got it in for, not you.

It's bloody shame though,

you and I got off light
compared with Heck.

Oh aye, I noticed.

Think it is his card?

That's the second time he's
asked to see him today,

what do you think?

Aye.

Where is he anyhow?

-Who?
-Hector.

I thought he was down in the bog with you.

Aye he was but he managed to get free.

Free?

I had him tied to a radiator.

He managed to chew through
the ropes while I was away--

You mean he's wandering
about without a stitch?

He's got his sommet on.

That didn't need restyling.

He'll get bloody frostbite, swine.

How could you do that?

It was your idea now, don't forget.

Come on, help me go and find him.

Easy, follow the trail of blood.

Blood?

I gave his ear a wee nick with the sheers

when I was cutting his hair.

You're a sadist, Phil.

I try and get the guy a date with Lucille

and that's the thanks you get.

Oh, some chance he's got now.

Who would want to go to the dance

with a one-eared, bald-headed midget

in a bloodstained sommet, eh?

[Phil and Spanky laugh]

[siren blares]

Does that mean it's lunchtime?

No, it's dinner time, creep.

And don't think you're sitting beside us.

The grub's enough to
put you off your dinner.

I'll get the toast from Sadie, Spanks.

She's got a big job on.

Look at the state--

Last one to the canteen's a designer!

[Phil shouts]

[machine rattling]

Oh, that was your fault.

I told you not to have
the Salmonella and toast.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Well, don't hang over the shades,

there's gum in them already.

Quite a nice lunch today.

Bobby Sinclair's tied up at the moment

with some problem hanks

so I thought I might do some grinding.

What's wrong with that?

I want to learn as much as I possibly can

whilst I'm here.

You haven't been drinking, have you?

I don't mind,

I'll just go and let Mr.
Curry know I'm not needed.

Hey.

This way.

Right.

Put the other hand there.

That's good.

You're a natural, kid.

Me and Phil will lie out
here and watch you for a bit.

When you get that dish,
there's some green there.

Thanks.

Oh, don't mention it.

-Here, you want a drag?
-I don't smoke.

[Spanky And Phil] Surprise, surprise.

Surprise, surprise.

Young Downie working away

and you two tanny boys lay
on your back having a puff.

I've often wondered

how a pair of greasy
cleft Nancy boys like you

would've fared under fire.

Slant eyed snipers up
every second palm tree,

drawing a beat on us jocks

as we cut and hacked out way
through the dense foliage.

What would you have done then, eh?

Is this Wingate gave up his last gasp for?

So as a couple of louts like you

could get yourselves a cushy number?

Come on, McCann, don't
just sit there like GI Joe.

Get on with it.

This way, Alan.

My 40 years, giving the Japs merry jip,

Memoirs of Jungle Jim.

Japs my ass.

Jimmy Robertson told me,

Willie was a typist in the pay corps.

Nearest he got to Burma

was a bamboo tea lounge on Hinkle Street.

He's a wee blow hard, he doesn't scare me.

Look out!

Is Alan around?

The old fat guy, scarlet
fever and his nose in a sling?

Would you tell him, George,

I've got those mags he was asking about?

What mags are these, Jack?

They're about design.

I didn't think you'd be interested.

Tell him Spanks, are we interested?

No, not really.

Exactly.

So think twice before you lurch in here

and accuse a brother and me
of not giving a monkey's.

The designing of carpet
for the high polite

may not mean much to you, Hob,

but it means a damn sight less to us.

-Right Mr. F?
-Right, Mr. Mack.

You're so smart, aren't you?

The two of you, so smart.

You're jealous of anyone that
takes an interest in things.

You know about Hector
when he first started?

He used to come out to my desk

and we'd go through some
carpet mags together.

But you put a stop to that, didn't you?

Sadie was out sick.

Called him for everything.

A pair of bully boys,

that's what you are.

Hector could've made
a pretty good designer

if it weren't for you,

better than either of you anyway.

When was the last time you
were down in the show room, eh?

Neither of you take the least interest

in any trials that come up.

I bet you don't even know what
we're working on out there.

14 and 11 cents a square foot long.

That's right, make a
fool of things, go on.

Some of his take a pride in what we do.

Some of us take a pride in what we do.

You're the first one out the
door and a leg on the bike

before Miss Walkinshaw
has even got her teeth

at her water jug.

I went to night school for
three and a half years.

I've got a diploma in wool technology.

So what does that mean?

He's hand knitted.

There's no point talking to you morons.

And there's more gum wad to do here.

Yeah, go away or we'll paste you.

[feet stomping]

I think I'll be doing the showroom

and have a swatch at the new rugs for him.

You're joking?

Hold the phone, let me
have a look for Heck.

[machine rattling]

[heels clicking]

What have you been saying to Jack Hog?

He's sitting up there

with his face slidin'
off like Jude Pennydente.

Oh, it's clearing up is it?

Bernadette's boyfriend's
gonna come up here

and give you and your pal a
doin' if you's don't hang off.

Hang off of what?

Jack Hog, they went to school together.

Oh, tremble tremble.

He's nearly six foot and
he's got a yellow belt.

It's only Bernadette that's
holding him back from coming.

Oh, she's a Catholic?

Pardon?

Come in here for gum, not you.

Is this it?

The fresh stuff?

This could be out for it's howling.

-You're a bunch of lazy--
-Now don't you start.

Willie's been on us all morning.

We're up to here with castergations.

Nay wonder.

God, look at the state of this sink.

Looks like the inside of
Miss Walkinshaw's makeup bag.

People could get disease for this.

Hey, Lucille.

I was wondering if you'd like to--

Like to what?

Go to the staff dance with me tonight?

[Lucille shutters]

Well, I know I'm not like
Jim Bowie Dean but...

Hector?!

For Christ's sake, Phil, let us in.

I'm gonna lose my grip in a minute.

What are you doing out there?

We're three floors up.

[cans rattle]

Climbed up the wrong pipe.

Where's my clothes?

I'll nip up and see if they'll be ready.

Now, you stay there.

Willie Curry.

Quick, get in that cupboard there.

Oh Christ.

Shh, quick.

That's his little hidey hole, isn't it?

Come on.

That's McKenzie's little
hidey hole, isn't it?

Aye, how did you know?

It's forever secreting
great pots of inert.

Huh?

Fresh gum, laddy.

Where is it?

Oh.

-There.
-Where?

There.

How?

Thanks, Hector.

[Hector] Can I come out now?

No, you just stay there
a couple of minutes.

I'll nip along, see if
your clothes will be ready.

I'll not be long.

No sign of the wee man.

[Hector] Is that you, Farrell?

Eh?

[Hector] You were supposed to be here.

Who is that?

[Hector] It's me, Hector.

Are you dead?

God almighty, Hector, your head.

What's up?

It's it bad?

Oh mommy.

Come in here, Jack.

Shh, somebody's coming.

Quick, hide in your cupboard.

Oh Spanky, you gotta try and find 'em.

I definitely saw something
there, definitely.

Outside the window.

It's a horrible face like
one of them gag girls

with great big stained eyes.

Well, there certainly doesn't seem to be

anything there now, Lucille.

You're positive about this face?

Swear to God.

It was ghastly, right hideous.

But we're three stories up.

I don't see how any
face could've got here.

Well ask him, he seen
it and all, didn't you?

Who me?

I never seen nothing, I've just come in.

Were you not here?

Well, there's certainly
nothing there now, Lucille.

So if I could get back.

Okay, if you're sure
there's nothing there.

Thanks for having a look.

As if I didn't have enough on my plate.

The world, gargoyles, faces!

While you're here, I thought
we might have a word.

-What?
-About the staffy.

The staff dance.

I thought that you and I--

[Lucille shutters]

[Lucille] Jack!

Only asked a simple question.

Oh, it was you, you wee shit!

You gave that lassie a hell of a fright!

I thought I told you to stay in there.

I could have been Willie Curry there.

Where's my clothes, Phil?

You promised to get my clothes!

Sadie's putting a hem up in the blouse.

Joke, a joke.

Here, get in your cupboard.

Give us a hand, Spanks.

-Shh!
-Be quiet.

[Phil and Spanky hum]

Who's under the knife today, Coldare?

It's that young kid that
lost both his play pieces

in the bus mash, Dr. Gillespie.

What group was he, Coldare?

14th barhead light boys.

Hey watch it, this is new.

Aye, what are your wearing it for?

To protect my blazer of course.

Ah,

fit alright, Alan?

Like a glove, Mr. Curry.

Is that that the thumb
hanging out the back?

Where?

There's magenta and rose pink needed

in the design room right away.

Jack is on a rush job.

And I don't wanna see either your noses

poking outside that door
until these shades are ready.

Capish?

Plucky Jack and his plucky rush jobs.

Capish, capish?

Once I get that phone call.

I can give you a hand.

No, leave it to the pros, son.

You got something more important to do.

Nip down the ladies and ask
Sadie for Heck's clobber.

I can't see that that's more--

Heck's clob.

Okay, okay, I think I can manage.

Keep breathing Heck,

we're sending lord snooty
out for your threads.

Soon have you out of there, son.

You're a million.

Half a million, don't exaggerate.

Geez, a Parker 51.

What's a slippy boy like that
doing with a pen like this?

Hey, you know what the
first prize is this week?

Two matching hamsters.

Hamsters?

Are they allowed to give away livestock?

What are you talking about, livestock?

Two matching picnic hamsters,

handy for beach and country walks.

That was a close shave.

Let's have a gander.

Would you look at these?

They're like jodhpurs.

Look at this shirt.

What size is Heck?

13 and a half.

Not his chest, stupid, his neck.

Three and five eighths with a muffler.

Take these back to Sadie.

Tell her she'll have to do better.

But Mr. Curry's out there.

Heck will look a right
pillock in that getup.

Shh, he'll hear you.

How can Hector hear?

-Somebody called?
-Jesus!

You'll get the boy fired!

In there, sonny.

Spanky!

That was some mess she
made of the boy's dapper.

I spent an hour trying to get Hector

looking like Lucille's
dream boat, Van Johnson.

More like Van Gogh, the way
you went through his ear.

Is it any good, the staff dance?

-Eh?
-The staffy.

Is it good fun?

What are you wanting to know for?

You're not thinking of
buying a ticket, are you?

No, Willie Curry's just given me his.

A double, he won't be going.

So I'll probably bump into you there.

How, can you not dance right?

[Hector moaning]

What did you say?

I didn't say anything?

[Hector moaning]

God, Hector!

I thought I was going to pass out.

God, for a while I'm in there...

Well, what do you's think?

Are they comfy?

Aye, but there's just one thing.

Ah, you noticed, it's
the very latest, Heck.

Aye but how do you go for a pee?

You don't.

They run a pipe down the leg

into a special 10 gallon rubber boot.

You get them buttoned up
the back, you balloon.

-Just like Uncle Bertie's.
-Eh?

Just like they had in the '30s.

You must've seen them musicals.

Fred Astaire dancing with Roy Rogers.

They both had their trousers
buttoned up the back.

I never noticed that.

That's because Fred always
wore the long tail coats

-and Roy was--
-Set and done.

-On trigger.
-Hector, it's a knockout.

So do you think Lucille will bite?

Your ma is gonna be asking
whose the teeth marks are

when she gives you your bath tonight.

-Nay kidding, Phil?
-Nay kidding, Heck.

-Hector I feel I should say--
-[Phil coughs]

-What?
-Oh, nothing.

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's really unusual, Hector.

Oh, I'll go in and ask her now.

You're not forgetting you have
to go and see Willie Curry.

I can do that after.

No look, Spanks is right.

You better see Willie
first, it's important.

Look Lucille will not go after Boil.

Here, I'll give you my coat to put on.

What do I need that for?

I don't mind doing a bit of swanking

now that my clothes are up to date.

I know, but you don't
want him to get a preview.

It'll lessen the impact.

Here, get the coat on.

Hey!

You better put this on and all,

it's awful draughty in Willie's office.

Is he not gonna think I'm a bit hopped up?

That's just it.

You've been down at nurse.

Influenza, verging on pluracy.

She ordered your home but
you decided to soldier on.

He'll like that.

I'm all mixed up.

What have I got again?

-Double rupture.
-Triple-eumonia.

Oh aye, I'm lying then.

That's the stuff.

-All the best, son.
-Good luck, Heck.

You'll need it.

[Spank and Phil laugh]

I think that's a pretty mean trick.

Oh do you, Nigel?

Look, that poor little bastard's

going off to Willie Curry's office

believing that underneath
that dust coat and helmet

he really does cut a dash

and he'll probably stop
off on his way back

to have a word with Lucille.

And you know what'll
happen then, don't you?

She'll wet herself.

Which would give you and
your chummy friend here,

a big laugh, wouldn't it?

Listen Sir Galahad,

you know what that stupid mug done?

Know what he done 'cause
some stupid lassie

wouldn't look at the road he was on?

He went and swallowed 150 Aspros,

washed down with a bottle of Domestos.

What me and Spanks has done

is give Hector the courage

to go and ask Lucille
straight out for a date

instead of wishing his life away.

So think twice before you start applying

your stupid counterfeit,

middle-class code of fair play in here.

You don't know your loving, sweetheart.

And if Willie Curry
wants to know where I am,

I'm down in the bog smoking

two fags at once.

[door slams]

Is that true about Hector?

Aye, it's true alright.

Phil found him, brought him round?

Nope.

Happened on a boat near Saint Rosy.

It's more fun with it
tucked into your beach bag.

Made him be sick down the pan.

The land lady was quite sympathetic

'til Heck blew up the bleach

and took all the flowers
off the wallpaper.

I'm gonna stop him

before he makes a
complete fool of himself.

I wouldn't do that if I was you, Alberto.

You don't know what Phil's like,

he's got some temper.

Come on, the magenta's ready.

You get some dishes in
the sink, the clean ones.

Don't know what I'm doing this for,

I'm on a rush job.

Farrell G, there you go.

You better give us Phil's now,

he's down in the bog.

McCann, McCann.

-Two n's, am I right?
-Aye.

McCallister, McBern, McCourtney, McDonald.

No, doesn't seem to be anything for him.

Come on Jackie boy, stop messing about.

I told you there's nothing for him, look.

Right, give us Heck's.

McFarlin, McGinnis, McGlaughlin, McCloud.

Nope, nothing for Hector either.

There'll be something
for you next time, Alan.

It won't be a lot, you understand.

Oh and I got those mags you wanted to see.

Some of your dad's stuff in one of them.

Rather nifty.

See you later on.

See you later, Jack.

Funny that, two wage packets missing.

Hey, I'll have to go and
have a word with the cashier.

If Phil comes back,

say I'm away mending fuse in
Miss Walkinshaw's glass eye.

[heels clicking]

The gum's over there if you want some.

Oh no, that's not what
I'm looking for, thanks.

What are you doing that for?

That's a mug's game.

I'm really quite enjoying it.

Are you?

Want a chicklet?

Go on, they're spearmint.

Usually get double bubble for
the Freddy Flare wrappers,

but he was getting really annoying.

You no want one?

Where have I seen you before?

In here, this morning.

No, apart from that.

Do you go to the movies much?

Yeah, quite a bit.

The Kelbourn mostly.

We were there last Saturday.

Rebel Without a Cause.

Did you see it?

It was brilliant.

It was a double bill, East of Eden.

Me and Bernadette sat through it twice.

Absolutely brilliant.

Me and her cried our eyes out

when his Porsche turned
over and he got killed.

No, that was a racing picture.

What?

East of Eden, about cars.

I don't find that amusing.

Hasn't taken you long to
get any bad habits, has it?

I'm afraid I don't understand.

You's are all the same.

I like Terry Dean.

You haven't been saying anything to her,

have you Alsetuhave?

No, I haven't if you must know.

It was just a misunderstanding.

That is what'd-you-call-him, isn't it?

Aye, Miles Malison.

Tragic.

There was Miles.

Buddy Greco and the big
Bob are flying down to Rio.

-Plane crashed.
-In the mountains.

-The urinals.
-Pilot was piss.

-Tea's up.
-[Phil and Spanky laugh]

Get your dainties.

Your chocolate horns, penny
baps, your Rupert turnovers.

[Spank And Phil] Rupert turnovers.

Don't all rush us now,

I know you've just been paid.

Hey, come on Spanky boy,

you didn't tell me the wages were in.

Make with he green jobs.

I can lend you 10 bob.

Quit the kidding, I'm starving.

There wasn't anything for you.

Tea please, Sadie.

The cashier said you and
Heck's will be made up special.

Christ!

Would you listen that language.

You hide your ears, son.

Language, bloody hellish so it is.

At least you have drawing
college to look forward to.

It's Heck that's the problem.

He's worried about his ma.

Are you's two having
something off this trolley?

Yes, two teas.

Do you want one?

What's up with him?

Do you want one something to eat?

You know I have nay money,
what you asking us for?

I'll get it.

You want a chocolate horn?

You play Old Man River on it?

I don't want nothing.

Give us a bap.

-Half pound 70.
-Half pound for the tea,

the baps are a penny.

You took that long making
up your mind, it went up.

If you need change,

how am I supposed to
change a 10 shilling note.

They're all giving me notes today.

You'll need to get change.

I'll wait, I don't want
to get sod on the baps.

I'll get you tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Saturday and find you know it.

Do you think I come up
the Clyde on this trolley?

You get change, I'll wait.

Do you have any change, Albert?

I don't know, wait and I'll see.

Christ, where do you keep that, kid?

Up the leg of your brazier?

One more bit of language out of you

and I'll draw my horn across your jaw.

No, I don't seem to have quite that much.

I can lend you some if you get it changed.

No, that's okay, I'll do without.

You're not wanting these then?

The penny bap or the tea?

The tea's cold, the bap's foosty.

That's 'cause you're standing

asking dirty gubs if
he's wanting anything.

Nay wonder the tea's cold.

You old mitten.

I heard that you swine.

I heard that.

If one of my boys was here,

he'd sort your ass out so it went!

[Phil] Damn it, Sadie, you
hurt me with your ring!

Oh, you're the big cheese
head in here Phil McCann,

but just you watch it.

Just you mind your manners, right?

You'll not talk to me like that.

Thanks son, you're a gent.

My head.

Here, put that on it.

She's just peed because
she missed her dinner date

inaugurations to Heck's club.

She's at a funny age, you know?

My ma was the same.

Sunday post doctor said
nothing to worry about,

they all go like that.

-Good, ain't they?
-Yeah, not bad.

-Is that Terry Dean.
-Eh?

Come on, is it Terry Dean?

Aye, that's who it is.

The one that was in

Rebel Without a Cause and East of Eden?

Suez.

East of Suez.

Him and Frankie Lane race
from the Sphinx with camels

for Audrey Hepburn's hand.

Frankie wins by a nose,

so he gets Audrey's hand.

Then he gets arrested.

Hey, I'll go down the bog Spanks,

have a drag and that.

You not about to hang about

in case your phone call comes through?

No, if it comes, you take it.

Just say you're me.

Don't think I'm going to hear anyhow.

It's that kind of day.

Think I'll go too.

I wonder if my bladder's alright.

Looking for your chum.

Who you aiming for?

Phone call in Mr. Barton's office,

sounded rather urgent.

The girl said it was the hospital.

It's alright, Jackie boy, I'll take it.

I don't think you can do that.

She was most insistent she
speak to McCann himself.

It's alright, Jack, I'm authorised.

I don't think, I mean...

Nay sign.

Too bloody soft, that's my trouble.

There's no getting off it this time.

15 shillings?

Not yet nearly.

Oh, I should trade these
in for a set of castors.

[heels clicking]

-Any Epsom salts here?
-Oh my god.

What'd you do that for?

Listen, you haven't seen shy
boy, McCann on your travels?

-Shy?
-Aye, 15 bobs shy.

Still owes for that dance ticket.

Not again, Sadie.

When are you gonna wise up?

You'll have to wait and catch him

outside the town hall tonight.

Oh, I'll not be anywhere near
the town hall tonight, tin.

If I thought these had to
battle me through the dance--

You're not going then?

It's a right laugh last time.

Oh aye, hysterical.

See that man of mine?

"Watch this, ladies," says he.

And he spans the length of the hall

a pint of Yongers in his fists,

leapfrogs, Miss Walkinshaw,

and the pair of them landed
right under the band stand.

The bouncer had to winkle
them out where Windy pulls.

Stupid Lou.

Men, I wouldn't even waste my time.

I had to take the first
one that came along.

I'd have been better off with a lucky bag.

Sadie, there's tonnes of men about now.

You can pick and choose.

You'll learn, flower, you're young yet.

You can afford to sift through the draws

to get to the real rubbish
at the bottom of the pile.

You reach my age and all
you got to show for it

is bad feet and a display cabinet.

That's tough.

I'll have to go.

Promised leapfrog I've got my nice wee bit

of fish for his tea.

Well, it's Friday.

A bit of luck,

he'll be home with half
his wages still on him.

Aye, he's in off by the sounds of it.

I'm biding my time, sweetheart.

Once I get a good wee bank,

I'll show that swine the door.

See that?

Lost that at the head of him.

My God, what'd you do?

-Flung it in the bin.
-Eh?

Thought it were one of
James' old footballs

that got busted, the stupid little...

-Hey you, where's your pal?
-Eh?

-Oh I thought you meant--
-Oh no.

Had that off long before I met that sod.

Up at the Western.

15 bob for a dance ticket I'm after.

Aye.

Mr. Anderson.

Big strapping man, head surgeon up there.

He says, "That'll have
to come away Miss Joet,

"otherwise it'll go right
through your whole system."

Thanks, you can get it
back easier what I can.

Couldn't argue with that, hun.

Sadie, I thought I'd
already gave you that.

A bit lopsided at first, you know?

But I just kept my trolley
money in this pocket

'til I kinda got my balance back.

Have I not gave you that, Sadie?

It went up, you know?

19 lumps for a single.

Used to only be 15 bob?

Aye, but they're made
of foam rubber now, son.

-Well?
-What?

You got a phone call, Jackie boy said.

Oh aye, from the hospital.

And?

Well, you told me to say I was you.

Aye I know, hurry up, tell us.

Well, it was the hospital.

I know that.

Tell us the worst.

Your ma's vanished.

Shot the crow, skidattled.

You mean it really was the hospital?

That's what I'm trying to tell you, Phil.

Christ.

[Spanky] They said not to be alarmed.

What if she turns up here?

She'll probably put a hatchet
through Miss Walkinshaw's head

just to give me a showing up.

They've sent people out looking for her.

She can be real vicious, you know?

She once put the coal man's
legs underneath his lorry

and threatened the driver with bread knife

unless he drove over them

'cause he was a bag
short on the gas cinders.

All she ever done was worry.

Worry about money, about
schools, going to mass,

going to communion, missing confessions,

going out with lassies.

Some bloody hope.

All we ever knew about lassies

was that their arms stuck
out sidey wise when they ran.

Hey, most of our ma's are a bit like that.

I bet his isn't.

Leave him out of it, Phil,

he doesn't even know what
you're talking about.

I bet he does now.

I'm sure you've got your problems,

but I don't see where I come in.

Well it certainly isn't the
tradesman's entrance, Petol.

Straight up to the front door for you.

This way, sir.

Let me take your golf clubs, sir.

They must be cutting into your shoulder.

Well I know what I would
like to cut into you.

Leave him, Phil.

You stick with his lot, Spanky old sport.

You always did know what side,

you maderigating bugger.

That's not fair.

I'm away to join the hunt

and I'll send the head up
for your dad's trophy room.

Alan!

You don't wanna pay too
much attention to Phil.

He reads a lot.

That's McCann's wages.

Does he get a bonus or something?

I've got Heck's as well.

Quite hefty wage packets.

Have they been working overtime or what?

A couple of other chums and I

are motoring over to
Kippen on Sunday, Alan.

Trainspotters AGM.

There's a spare seat in the buggy

if you'd care to tag along.

Three bob for petrol.

The Duke of Atholl's coming down

from Drumnadrochit on a flyer.

-Sounds terrific.
-Should be fun.

Would you give this to Hector?

I think we can trust you.

What's that supposed to
mean, plucky appearance?

Why don't you dry up?

What, you mean like you, Jackie boy?

Not blood likely.

You know, you can get stuffed for that?

You rub it all over your plucks,

it's cried emery paper.

You'll be glad when today's over, Alan.

Him and his crony go a bit
gaga as the weekend looms.

It's the thought of
spending two whole days

with their parents in Figgy.

Take my advice,

if they start on you, give them a bethin.

[can rattles]

I thought you were away.

I went up to see the lassy about my wages.

She said she gave them to Jack.

[machine rattling]

Your books?

Aye.

P45, the lot.

No one contribute to the
pension scheme, what's that?

[Alan] It means you
haven't paid their rate--

Shut it, you.

I'm talking to my friend.

-What is it?
-How should I know?

I've got all these dishes to wash,

there's hundreds of them.

Come on Phil, give us a hand, eh?

You're forgetting something Spanky boy,

I don't work here anymore.

You never did, Phil.

Less of the sarcasm, slab boy.

At least I still am one.

Aye, how come?

Me and Hector get the heave
and you're still here,

washing dishes safe and secure.

How did you manage it?

-I've got work to do, Phil.
-Work?

Has nerdy Alan been getting at you?

Don't you care it, Phil,

me and the boy wants to get cleared up.

Ah, it's me and the boy now is it?

Aye, what of it?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, well don't hang over the shades,

there's gum in them already.

You're still here, McCann?

You can go anytime, you know?

Waiting on a phone call.

Only urgent personal calls allowed.

This is urgent.

It's for the hospital.

What's up?

Somebody else in the family get diarrhoea?

It's my ma.

Oh yes, yes of course.

Are the lacerations severe?

Can do a lot of damage, plate glass.

Plate glass in shop windows.

Who told you about it?

Oh, it was writ in
today's Paisley Express.

Ferguslie Park woman in
shop window accident.

Oh, it wasn't an accident.

She meant to do it.

It said in the paper that your mother

was thrown through the shop
window by a passing car.

Ah well, they got it
wrong then, didn't they?

There was a car there, but it was parked.

What she had done was
climb up onto the roof

and take a header straight
through the cool windy.

Simple.

She must've been very badly injured.

Not a scratch.

Good God.

From the roof of a car?

Must've been a miracle.

Nope.

A Ford Prefect.

You're a callow bugger, McCann.

As soon as you've got your phone calls,

you can sling your hook, okay?

Certainly, Mr. Curry.

Think I should have jumped
in and asked him for a desk?

Aye, you might've been
lucky and got your jotters.

Some hope.

I'm here for the duration.

Well, play your cards right,

don't give the screws too much cheek,

time off for good behaviour, who knows?

You might get it down to life.

-What about Heck?
-What about Heck?

He thought he was here for life.

So?

Do you not think we
should put a hat around?

Help tie him over until
he gets his brew money?

How about helping to tie
me over until I get mine?

You've got drawing college
to look forward to.

Aye, and my nearest and dearest

wandering the fields and
hedgerows, eating worms.

Come on.

Help see the boy's mom over the hump.

Over the hump?

There's hardly enough in here

to get Quasimodo a half a belt.

-A few bob.
-A few?

10 will do it, I'll match.

I'll lead the Christmas
club for next week.

Now don't say I'm not generous.

Stupid, but not ungenerous.

Heck will never forget this, Phil.

And neither will I, it's
half my bloody wages.

His faith in human
nature will be restored.

H. McKenzie,

slab boy,

retired.

[heels clicking]

Replenishing the old jug
of the atlas, are you?

You trying to be fowl again?

I was asking if you were getting water.

-It's Italian.
-Oh yeah?

Where'd you get it, at a chick pub?

[laughs] I was wondering--

Here we go again.

Yes?

I was wondering if you fancied

going to staff dance with me?

What?

Where'd you get them, sunny?

Off the puzzle page of tiny tots?

Don't make me laugh.

What's wrong with me?

You not got an man anyway now, do you?

That's where you're wrong, I'm booked.

Now, will you shift the torso.

Hey, where you going?

Oh, well it none of you's.

All I'm saying is

it's someone for the slab.

[Both Men] For the slab?

-You don't think?
-It talks, it walks.

What did I tell you?

Just been along to see Willie.

-She went to fly?
-She's taken the bottle.

What?

-Well done you wee guy.
-Congratulations, wee man.

-Put it there.
-It's nothing.

Nothing he says.

I've really got you and Phil to thank.

Without you's two, I could
never have pulled it off.

-Not at all.
-No really, nay kidding.

Just remember, that's what
me and Spanks is here for.

Spanks, the presentation.

We've got this--

-Quid.
-Shut it.

You do it.

I'd like to take a moment here forty--

-It's a quid.
-Shut it.

Ah, here.

Here, here.

[boys clap]

Thanks boys.

Really quite touched.

Yeah, we know that, Hector.

He means emotionally.

Don't know how you's knew I
was leaving the slab room.

I've only just been told by Willie,

but I really do appreciate this.

Quid.

Aye, it'll come in quite handy.

It'll help to ties you
over, you and your ma.

Til you get another job.

Eh?

He says, til you get another job.

Eh?

[Both Men] Til you get another job!

I already got another job.

Christ, that was quick.

Is that a mobile brew outside?

That's what I've been
along to see Willie about.

My new job.

I start on a desk on Monday.

I'm a designer now.

-A desk?
-Designer?

Aye, 12 quid a week backdated a fortnight.

I thought that's what you's
was congratulating me about.

We were congratulating you

about getting a date with Lucille.

I was that excited about my desk,

I forgot all about her.

I'll be going with Willie anyhow,

he hasn't got a ticket.

But she said she was going
with somebody for the slab.

Hey, you don't think?

No, she couldn't have.

[Lucille] Where should I meet
you at tonight, handsome?

Berthan's Corner, quarter
to, don't be late now.

Sink a couple of comparries
before we get there, eh?

Oh Hector, your wage packet.

If I were you, Phil McCann,

I wouldn't go home via
Story Street tonight?

That's where Bernadette's boyfriend's

got his jujitsu parlour.

He eats smouts like you for his breakfast.

Don't forget to change out of that blazer.

We don't want anyone thinking
you're from a bowling club.

Okay?

Bye.

Oh by the way,

a phone call came through
to Mr. Curry's office.

I said I'd pass the message on.

Aye, is my ma safe?

You didn't get in.

The standards was
especially high this year.

Apparently some really top flight folios.

Hard cheese.

Where did you say the gum crystals were?

Well, I better shoot off.

Willie's giving us a lift up the road.

And thanks again, boys.

Hold your horses, Heck.

If Lucille's going to the dance
with gorgeous gussy there,

what do you have to thank me and Phil for?

A lot really.

Willie says that compared
to you's two slackers,

I stuck out a mile in here.

That's how I got my desk.

Thanks again.

And I'll be expecting some smart grinding

from this department in the future.

No panning me off with your
substandard shades, Farrell.

And I'm sorry to hear
you lost your job Phil,

but not to worry,

I don't think you'll find much difference

now that you're officially out of work.

-Well, goodnight everybody.
-[siren blares]

I'll see you's at the staffy.

Well, mustn't work too late,

not my first day anyway.

Wouldn't like to set a precedent.

Heavy night ahead, eh?

Oh, and tough luck about the art college.

Don't take it to heart, eh?

There's always next year.

Or the year after.

Perhaps not.

Anyway, see you at the hop tonight.

Buy you a small beer.

Well, I'll be seeing
you on Monday, Sparky.

So take it easy over the weekend, eh?

Make an early start?

It's quite a backlog of
grinding to catch up on.

That cabinet there's an embarrassment.

That young pup is asking
for a severe biffy.

Let's play a merry jape on the shite.

-Tada!
-[claps] Bravo!

I think this is for you, McCann.

It was left at the Gatehouse.

Don't know why I'm doing this.

Up to my eyes in projects,
I'm on a rush job.

Not everybody's blood message boy.

Your ma?

Phil, got your mum in
the back of the waggon.

Managed to get her out of the river

without too much difficulty.

The grappling hooks
did not break the skin.

Regards to your dad and
tell him Sammy Keans

will see him tonight at
Carntyne time as usual.

All the best, Eskins Driver,
St. Andrew's Ambulance Service.

Thank Christ.

At least she know she's back in captivity.

I mean in safe hands.

You'll be able to go to
dance now and enjoy yourself.

Aye.

I wonder what she was doing in the river?

Water therapy.

Ah, is Hector not here?

Expect he's waiting
for me down at the car.

Here, there's enough gum there for Jack.

I'll just take this out to him.

Oh, wait a moment, there's
a foreign body in here.

Has he got a turban on?

You'll just have to make up
some fresh stuff, Farrell,

pronto.

Mr. Barton's waiting on
that job Jack's doing.

I'm just gonna head Mr. Curry,

I've got the staff dance--

Nevermind about that, laddy.

The staff dance can
wait, Mr. Barton can't.

Get the overalls back on and get waving.

And you can take that
smirk off your face McCann

and give him a hand.

Come on, the muslin is down there.

Come on, look alert.

If I'd had you chaps in the tropics.

Willie Curry.

I don't work here anymore, remember?

And while we're at it,

you can drop all that giving
shit about the jungle.

Jimmy Robertson blew the gaff.

The only thing you've ever
hiked your way through

was the battalions' pay slips.

You fighting the Japs?

You never been further east

than the China store at the burrows.

[Willie speaks in Gaelic]

And just what did you give
us the boot for anyhow?

Wasn't for the cheek I gave you,

we've all done that.

Wasn't for laughing about either,

that's dear and good round here.

What really got you by the cuddlies

was the thought of me,

me going to the art school?

Wasn't it?!

That I might just have the savvy

to realise there was more to life

than getting myself house,
maids, bloody near and far!

Since the day and the hour

you have walked in that door, McCann,

you have tried to cut
the legs from under me.

Well it's your turn now.

Yes, I wish it had been me
that gave you your card,

but Mr. Barton beat me to the punch.

"Get that lazy young
bastard out of here, Curry,

"or I'll have your gaffer straights

"before you can say super
sectioned quarter squares."

That set you back a bit, eh?

Muckins here, even asked
for a second chance for you.

Me, for you.

And as for the art school,

that's your best joke yet.

Scoffing cheap wine where they
all masters in a Doss house.

That's about your level.

Right?

And as for Jimmy Roberts.

He's got hammer toes.

He couldn't even, dead for victory.

Plucky Jack and his plucky rush jobs.

Just wait til I get my desk.

Just wait.

What a ballet day, cherry.

Buck up, Nugent.

Reckon one ought to throw
one's fairy cycle over a dyke

and leg it back to fairyland.

See what the painter's
got for one's tea tonight.

A few grains of jolly fine mince perhaps.

Might stop off and buy the old buffer

a couple of big screw taps.

Cheer the wee bastard up.

The day started off on a high note,

the one's mater off for a
few days in the country.

But bless my boater

if they both haven't
taken a dip since then.

Do you think Giotto was
ever a slab boy, Spanks?

["A White Sport Coat and a Pink
Carnation" by Marty Robbins]

♪ A white sport coat ♪

♪ And a pink carnation ♪

♪ I'm all dressed up for the dance ♪

♪ A white sport coat ♪

♪ And a pink carnation ♪

♪ I'm all alone in romance ♪