Platonic (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - My Wife's Boyfriend - full transcript

[Will] There are places
to get egg sandwiches

where you don't have to
wait in line for an hour.

You've never had this before.

- I'm telling you, it's worth the wait.
- Okay.

- I've got a Postmates order for Will.
- I'm Will!

- Here you go.
- What?

- Thank you so much.
- Enjoy.

- Have a good day.
- Leave me a good review.

You hacked the line.

I sure did! [chuckles]

- Brilliant. [chuckles]
- Always a work-around.



- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Do we keep waiting in line, or?

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

It's part of it.

It's good. Thank you.

You love a lineup, huh?

What are we doing? This is a thrift store.

This isn't a line.
This is a mob waiting to happen.

It's dollar-per-pound day.

They open the gates, you run in
and grab as much as you can.

Oh, God. This is stressing me out.
Why are we doing this?

- [Peyton] Pull yourself together.
- Oh, God. It's happening.

- [horn sounds]
- That guy's fucking cutting!



[customer] Get in there!

- Oh, my God. Start here.
- Okay. Okay.

- We just go?
- We just go!

- We just do it? Am I doing it right?
- You're doing it right.

- Is it happening?
- Yes, it's perfect.

Is this cool? Is this shit cool?

- I don't know.
- I don't know either!

I'm so stressed out. Is this cool?

- Is this fucking cool?
- No, that's beige.

What the fuck is this shit?
A bathing suit? Gross! Oh, God.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- What?

- I got a Britney tour T-shirt.
- Is that good?

It's from the
Oops! ...I Did It Again tour from 2000!

- Hey! Hey! Fuck off, cowpoke.
- Hey! Hey!

[panting]

[Will moaning]

- [grunts] This is so sexy and so gross.
- So amazing.

- Can we get out of here?
- No.

- We're just getting started. Come on!
- Okay.

This place is a gold mine.

We're gonna have so many bedbugs.

It's fine. I've already had them.
They're not that bad.

[Peyton] You wanna put on some music?

Yeah. What you in the mood for?

- Hmm. How about Ari Lennox?
- Ooh, yeah.

["Walking on Broken Glass" plays]

You're grooving to that commercial.
[chuckles]

This isn't a commer...
[stutters] It's Annie Lennox.

- I said, "Ari Lennox."
- Ari Lennox?

- [song ends]
- Yeah.

- That's a person?
- Yes.

Oh, wow. I had no idea.

I thought you just said "Annie Lennox"
wrong, I didn't wanna mansplain to you.

- I didn't know we got an Ari Lennox now.
- Oh, we have an Ari Lennox

- and she's really good.
- Wow. Good for her.

I wonder how Annie feels.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- [Peyton] Would you look at that?
- [Will] It's so nice, huh?

This is why I moved here from Colorado.

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

Hi. [chuckles]

I just...

I'm recently divorced. You know?
Very recently, and, uh,

I just have to say that I'm not really
ready for a serious relationship yet.

We've only hung out a few times.

Yeah. Of course. Great.
I... I shouldn't have said that.

As I was saying it, I was like,
"This is stupid. Don't say it." I just...

I like you a lot. You know, I just wanna
make sure we're on the level. You know?

- Oh, my God. Is that Machine Gun Kelly?
- I don't know.

I've never seen him without Megan Fox
biting his nipples on the red carpet.

[Peyton] He's so hot.
He's literally the hottest guy on Earth.

That guy's the hottest guy on Earth?
Other than me, obviously.

[Peyton] What are you not seeing?
Allow yourself to see it.

No, I get it.
I just don't think that guy's my type.

I'm kinda into beefier,
like, hunkier guys.

Like, give me a "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
You know what I mean?

That's... That's my type.

No. He's grunge.
He's talented. He's a musician. Like...

He look...
He looks like a dead body with tattoos.

He looks like something from, uh,
the Simon Wiesenthal Center.

You wanna race to the bottom?

I'm just kidding.
I would die if we did that.

Come on. Let's go.

["Waste My Time" playing]

- [Sylvia] Who are you listening to?
- Ari Lennox.

Wow. She really changed her sound.

Oh, you see,
you're thinking of Annie Lennox,

which is a very common mistake
among people your age.

By that, I mean, very old people.

- There's an Ari Lennox? [laughs]
- There's an Ari Lennox now!

We gotta deal with that.

Is this supposed to be
burning my scalp this much?

That's just the dignity leaving your body.

- You said you wouldn't make fun of me.
- What am I supposed to do?

You're a grown man bleaching your hair.
It's ridiculous.

I'm never ever asking you
for a hair-related favor ever again.

Is this for a girl?

No. There is no girl.

This is just, you know,
new chapter, new me.

It's like, uh...
It's like my version of getting bangs.

- I don't know.
- It's gonna look cool.

You're gonna see it and be like,
"That actually looks cool."

How's Kirk Friedkin?

I got a job interview next week.

- Really?
- Yeah!

And I did check to see how long ketamine
shows up on a drug test. Don't worry.

Good, good. If you need a clean-pee guy,
I got a clean-pee guy.

[both laughing]

- Wow.
- [Will] Hi.

- It's like a hair salon in here. Hi.
- Hey. Hi. How are you?

What are you, uh...
What are you laughing about?

Oh, nothing. Nothing! Oh, my God.
Absolutely nothing. A bad... stupid joke.

- No, just tell me.
- [Sylvia chuckles] No! No, no, no.

How was your day, babe? You look cute.

Uh, work was fine. Yeah.
Hey, how was the open house?

Oh, I... I didn't make it today.
There was a hair emergency.

- I'm going platinum, bruh!
- Yeah, bruh. We're going platinum, bruh.

[in Australian accent] We're gonna go down
to Bondi. Catch some waves.

Gonna go to Northcott, Lennox Head.

- Catch some waves, mate.
- [Will laughing] Yeah!

Know what I'm saying? Go up to Byron.

- [Sylvia chuckles] Come on.
- Nice. Nice.

Cool, cool, cool. All right.

[Sylvia]
Watch out for the great whites, mate.

- [Will] Yeah, mate.
- [Sylvia] Yeah.

Here you are.

Thank you.

[slurps]

So, that was a little weird earlier, huh?

Hmm? What?

With Will. [sighs]

What do you mean? Gotta be more specific.

Oh, I mean, come on. You were fondling
a grown man's hair in our kitchen.

What's wrong with a woman giving
her friend a makeover? [scoffs]

It's just a little bit intimate,
don't you think?

I mean, he wasn't wearing a shirt, so...

But he was wearing a trash bag. [chuckles]

[grunts]

Babe, you knew I love makeovers
when you married me.

Yeah. I mean, if that were true,
how come you've never given me a makeover?

Because you don't need one.

Because you're not having
a midlife crisis. Thank God.

Because you're perfect the way you are.

- Mmm. Okay. Okay.
- You're so cute.

Well, our Honda Odyssey is perfect
just the way it is,

and they still add new features
every year.

What's going on?

Oh, I don't know.
I mean, it's... it's nothing.

It just seemed like you guys
were having so much fun.

It was hard work.

You know what's fun? Eight hours of sleep.

- Okay.
- Come on. [grunts] It's nine o'clock.

[sighs]

[groans] We're gonna crush this.

[yawns]

[Charlie sighing]

[sighs]

[laughter echoing]

[goo echoing]

[sighs]

I just forgot how annoying
the two of them can be together.

It's like their friendship
excludes everybody, including me.

Look, everyone needs friendships
outside of their marriage.

No one can get everything they need
from just one person.

And just because she likes
hanging around with this guy,

doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Yeah. And for the record, I know
it's not like they're having an affair.

It's not like Sylvia's cheating on me.

No. Sylvia would never. There's just this
little frisson between the two of them

where they get dressed up in costumes
and flirt with each other.

It's perfectly normal. Everyone does it.
We're doing it right now.

- We are?
- Yeah.

Except I would never have sex with you.

You're my marry.
Vanessa, interestingly, is my fuck.

- And Albert's your kill?
- Obviously.

And just to be clear, I know that Will
and Sylvia are not fucking.

But it almost feels like

they're getting off on the fact
that they could be fucking.

I don't know about that.

And I'm not allowed to say anything.

Because if I do, it makes me seem square,
that my brain would go to that place.

I'm worried you're having
one of those brain glitches

where you get obsessed with something
like a Roomba stuck in a corner.

But they could be fucking.

And her knowing that I know
they could be fucking,

but I can't say anything.
That is so fucked.

- Roomba.
- [sighs] Yeah.

You know what? Maybe it's my fault
that I feel so excluded.

- I've never made an effort with Will.
- Just let it go.

Maybe I should invite him
to the Dodgers game tomorrow.

Yeah, I wouldn't do that.
It's a company event.

Yeah. I mean, how fun would that be?
Just hanging out together.

Am I in this room? Can you hear me?

Yeah, yeah. I hear you.

Will is Sylvia's friend, not yours.
And there's nothing to worry about anyway.

You're right.

- [cell phone buzzes]
- Ah.

Sylvia's husband just invited me
to a baseball game.

Oh, shit.

- Is that like a jealous husband thing?
- Hmm.

I don't know. You have been spending
a lot of time with Sylvia, right?

Um... [mutters] ...yeah.
Like, maybe ten to 15% of my free time.

All right. And that's probably
a hundred percent of hers.

I mean, she a wife, she got kids and shit.
Those are two really busy things.

And then, no shade,
but you walk into the picture...

[chuckles] ...I'm sure he's not pleased.

- Yeah. He's gonna beat your ass.
- He's not gonna beat me up.

- No. Yeah, man. He's gonna rock your shit.
- No.

If I'm being honest with you,
he's just kind of a dull guy.

If there was a Pixar movie about
a glass of water, they'd cast him.

- I can see that.
- The little boring glass of water.

I don't know, Will. When I meet a boring
person, I like to ask them questions.

Like, "What's the first exhibit
you go to at the zoo?"

- Which one do you go to first?
- The shrimps.

What?

Were you getting your hair done

when we were on the marketing call with
the Johnny 66 corporate?

- Was that this morning?
- Yes, sir. It was.

- No, I did this yesterday.
- [scoffs]

I just, uh, neglected that.

You realize it's part of your fucking job
to be on these calls, right?

- Omar had to pretend he was you, bruh.
- Yeah. And it was a...

It was a really boring call too.
I don't know how you do that.

I was picking up this part
for the canning machine.

The canning machine?
Have Omar do shit like that.

Oh, I don't have a driver's license, so...

Look, bro. You're the brew master, right?

The people wanna hear
from our fucking brew master.

Yeah, you know what? I agreed to
move forward with this Johnny 66 shit.

I did not agree to, like, be on a bunch of
boring conference calls and stuff.

Mmm. Oh, okay.

And this whole... I don't wanna
go to a baseball game, period.

Am I gonna go with a bunch of lawyers
into a lawyer box?

That's a bad... That's a bad day.

Charlie asked you to a baseball game?
Oh, he didn't tell me that.

Yeah. Well, I just think it's gonna be
so awkward, right?

Oh, no. It's... It's not gonna be awkward.

You just go to the game with him and his
work buddies, and it's no big deal.

- I mean, you guys have hung out before.
- We have never hung out before.

What about that time
you went to pick up the pizza?

That was not a hang. We went
and picked up pizza together. That's it.

Uh, he asked me if I'd seen The Staircase.

I lied and said yes, and then got into,
like, a weird, fake conversation

where I was pretending to have seen
The Staircase the whole time.

I just...
It's weird that he invited me, isn't it?

Oh, no. It's not weird at all.

All right. I... I gotta go. Bye.

It's totally weird.

I told you.
Eventually Charlie was gonna get jealous.

No, but we've been married for so long.

He doesn't even remember that he
used to feel stuff like that about me.

I mean, are you jealous of your couch?

Yes. 'Cause it's always sitting.

Listen.

When you love someone,

and that person spends all their time
having fun with somebody else, you get...

What's that word that I'm looking for?

Oh, yeah, jealous!

Excuse me?

What?

You know what? Maybe I'll say something
to Charlie just to clear the air.

- You should.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, we always feel so much better
when we talk things through.

And that's one of our strengths of
our marriage, is our communication.

- Game day!
- Yeah.

- What?
- What?

- You...
- Oh, nothing. Have fun.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[sighs]

Now that this is happening,
just promise me you'll act cool.

'Course I'm gonna be cool.

Historically, you can just be
a little high-strung in moments like this.

What are you talking about?
I'm just here to enjoy a baseball game.

Okay.

- Hey. How's it going?
- Will! Brosef! [laughs]

[fan grunts]

- [Charlie] Oh, I'm sorry about that.
- [Will] Oh, no. God. Are you okay?

[Will] Here you go.

- Uh, section six.
- [Will] All right. Yeah, good to see you.

[Charlie] Yeah.

Sorry I didn't bring a jersey.

Also, I don't know, uh,
jack shit about sports,

so you're gonna have to explain
to me what's happening.

The rules and stuff like that.

Well, the only rule of Dodgers baseball
is you gotta eat a Dodger dog.

- Oh.
- There you go.

Catch the fucking ball, Vivas!

- You gotta take a bite of a Dodger dog.
- I'm good. I'm okay.

- Oh, come on. You gotta try a bite.
- I'm good.

You got to.
It's the whole point of the game.

- I'm okay.
- [colleagues clamoring]

- You've never had a Dodger dog?
- Never had a Dodger dog.

- [colleague] You're gonna eat that dog.
- It's okay. There's not enough...

- There's not enough for me.
- We can share it.

- We don't need to share.
- Yeah. Let's Lady and the Tramp it.

Yeah, do it! Do it!

- Get it. Get in there.
- Charlie, no, Charlie. That's not a thing.

[colleagues chanting] Do it! Do it!

[colleagues clamoring]

You're gonna want a picture of this.
This is too cute.

I'm on it. I'm on it.

I'm on it. Don't move. Hold.

No, no, no, no. Hold up.
I gotta get the f-stop. F-stop switching.

- He's a really good photographer.
- Okay.

Oh. Switching lenses.

Switching lenses. Switching lenses. Okay.

Gotta get the depth of field.
Good depth of field.

Here we go. Hold it. Hold it. Here we go.

[colleagues speaking indistinctly]

There we are. There, look at that.

- That'll be gorgeous with a sepia filter.
- Very nice.

Let me just get a quick one,
then I can send it to Sylvia.

- Yeah, let's, um, get another one.
- Can you take a picture?

- All right. All right.
- Thanks. Let's do it. Here we go.

[stutters] Do I have this on video?
Actually, I think I locked it.

- Sorry.
- [grunts]

Okay. There it is. Yeah.

- All right? Say "hot dog."
- [colleague] Still got it.

[both mumble] Hot dog.

[shutter clicking]

- [colleagues] Aw.
- [Stewart] There you go.

Okay. Thank you.
Oh, that's a good picture.

So, Charlie says you own a bar?

Yeah. I'm the part-owner of a bar.

- Yeah, where's it?
- Arts District. Called "Lucky Penny."

You own Lucky Penny?
Dude, I've been there. It's a cool place.

Hey, Charlie, you didn't tell us
your wife's boyfriend owns Lucky Penny.

- His what now?
- Your wife's boyfriend.

That's what we call him.

No, I... [stutters] I ne... [stammers]

[colleague clears throat]

Hey, let's go, let's go, let's go,
let's go! Three easy outs.

[colleagues whooping]

- Hey. Hey.
- Hello.

You enjoying the game?

Yeah.
It's more fun than I thought it would be.

Hey, I'm sorry about my colleagues. I...

- I...
- Don't worry about that.

And just so you know, uh,
I'm seeing someone.

- Oh, really? That's great.
- Yeah.

- I'm happy for you.
- Thank you.

First person I've, you know, kinda
gotten into it with since my divorce, so...

- Good. Getting back out there.
- Yeah.

She's a lot younger than I am,
so there's kind of a disconnect.

- She thought Free Willy was a rapper.
- [chuckles] Yeah.

But seriously, she actually did.

Don't worry about that kinda stuff. Just...

If you like her and you're having fun,
you know, see where it goes.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Very good advice. Appreciate that.

I get it.
I tend to overthink stuff myself.

Yeah?

And I, uh, end up dragging my wife's
friend to a work event. [chuckles]

- [Will] I drank a lot of beer.
- Yeah, I did too.

[Will chuckles]

- We should probably get you a Dodgers hat.
- Yeah.

I would love to spend $90
on a hat I'll wear once.

[crowd shouting, cheering]

You know, I think I get it.

You get to get shit-faced
throughout the day,

eat Mexican food out of protective
equipment. Baseball is fun. [chuckles]

Yes. Yes. Now you're getting it.
You're starting to come around.

[beer vendor] Cold beer here. Cold beer.

Do you want another beer?

- I would love one.
- Mmm.

This is, like,
the best date I've ever been on.

You are treating me like a king, good sir.

[Charlie] 'Course.

- Your majesty. I am much obliged.
- [crowd boos]

Oh, why, thank you, my liege.

Hey, your highness! Sit the fuck down.

- All right. [grunts]
- Thank you.

[announcer, through speakers]
...number five, Freddie Freeman.

[crowd cheers]

- Do we wake him up?
- Oh, no. He always does that.

You know what? It was fun.

I'll, uh... I'll let you know
the next time we get tickets?

I mean, if you're not doing anything,
you guys should come to my bar.

It's really close to here.

Oh, I could use a drink
after that disaster of a seventh-inning.

- I lost $4,000.
- [Will] Oh, no.

Dude, these are incredible.

Each one is like a...
It's like best in class.

Thank you very much.

[inhales deeply]
You know who hates all of these?

Your wife. [laughs]

- She hates beer so much.
- Yeah, she does. Yes.

She loves white wine
with ice cubes, though.

Do you know what she also loves?
She loves... She loves this bar.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You two,
you are always up to something crazy.

[Will] Yeah. [chuckles]

Her and I don't have nights like that.

You don't need nights like that.
That's not why she loves you.

You know, you're... you're a stable dick.

I... [stammers] What are you talking about?

Uh, you are a... [stammers] you're mature
and responsible. You know?

Uh, and you offer stability.

What does that have to do with my dick?

- It's just an expression.
- Yeah. It has... It's not dick related.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Yeah.

Okay, this is like a known expression?

- [Will] Yeah. It...
- Well, it should be.

- [grunts] Sorry. I'm cool. I'm cool.
- Oh!

- Okay.
- I'm cool.

So, is this an expression
that actually means I'm boring?

No! No, I... uh, I actually think
it's an expression that means

you are, uh, an adult man.

And that is anything but boring.

Yeah, I'm the stable dick of my roommates.

Oh.

You know what, I'm texting Sylvia.
I'm telling her to get her ass down here

because she has some major
catching up to do.

- She does. [chuckles] In the meantime...
- Yes.

...do you gentlemen like feats of skill
and strength?

Yes.

Gotta pick a good one.

Make sure it's, uh, highly tossable.

This is how it's done.

- [yelling]
- [Stewart, Charlie cheering]

[Will] Test your might.

[yelling, grunts]

[Will] Oh. [cheering]

- Oh. [laughing]
- See. That was incredible!

- Stewart. Stewart. Stewart. Stewart.
- Are you sure this is legal?

[Will chuckles] Oh, no.
I think you're going too fast.

- I don't know...
- [Will] Stewart, let go!

- I don't know when to let go!
- [Charlie] Let go now!

[Will yelling, cheering]

- [Will grunts, chuckles]
- Oh.

[grunts]

[Will, Charlie, Stewart cheering]

[Charlie] Nice.

[Charlie] Oh, you got a nice spin.

[cheering]

- [Charlie] Oh. Go for it. There it is.
- [Will] You got this!

[Will laughing] Yeah!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I actually have something
I can do pretty well.

- Really?
- Yeah.

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen ♪

♪ And down the mountainside ♪

♪ The summer's gone ♪

- ♪ And all the roses falling ♪
- [Will chuckles]

♪ It's you, it's you must go ♪

♪ And I must bide ♪

[bar patrons cheering]

Secret skills. Secret skills.

- Secret skills.
- Secret skills. Mmm.

Secret skills.

What's happening?

- Hey!
- Hey! [kisses]

- Oh, the party can officially start.
- Ow!

I didn't know you were married
to a concert alto.

- Yeah.
- Beautiful voice on this man.

Thank you.

I can name all of the prime numbers
to a thousand.

Do you want to see it?

- [bar patrons cheering]
- Yeah! Do it, do it.

- Two, three, five, seven, 11, 13, 17,
- [cheering continues]

- 19, 23, 41, 43, 40... No, no, no.
- We believe you. We believe you.

- More numbers.
- [bar patrons chanting] Secret skills.

Secret skills. Secret skills.

I... I know Will's secret skill.

He can do the dance from Coyote Ugly.

- No.
- [bar patrons cheering]

["The Devil Went Down to Georgia" playing]

You better throw that ass.

Yes! I'm a coyote.

- Secret skills. Secret skills.
- Okay, okay, okay. I've got something.

- [Will] Oh.
- [bar patrons cheering]

- It has to be quiet!
- [music stops]

It's gotta be completely quiet
for me to do this.

- Do you want music?
- No. I just... real quiet.

I have to concentrate.

- Goddamn.
- [bar patron laughs]

- Oh. [shushes]
- [bar patron 2] Oh.

- [shushes]
- [bar patron 1 laughs]

[bar patron 3 chuckles]

[bar patrons gasp]

- [shushes]
- [shushes]

- What the fuck is happening right now?
- The best day of my life.

[bar patrons gasping]

- [bar patron 4] Oh, shit.
- [Omar] Goddamn.

[whispering] Secret skills. Secret skills.

["The Devil Went Down to Georgia" playing]

Secret skills. Secret skills.
Secret skills.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Uh, nobody asked

but I can draw a pretty good rhinoceros
in like 30 seconds.

[bar patrons] Five, four, three, two, one.

[bar patrons cheering]

983, 991, 997. Victory!

- [bar patrons cheering]
- Fuck, yeah!

[bar patrons cheering]

Yo, chill. Big deal. Stop.
Yo, chill. Chill.

- Big deal. I can suck my own dick.
- [music ends]

Say what now?

Ca-Can you really?

[bar patrons whispering]

This is when I be sucking.

- [groans]
- I buy it, man. I buy it.

["The Devil Went Down to Georgia" playing]

Heel. Toe. Toe.

[bar patrons cheering]

Whoa.

- Okay. [speaks indistinctly]
- Hey! [laughs]

Yeah! [cheering]

[exclaims]

Whoo!

- Whoa!
- Hey. Yeah.

And down.

[music ends]

- Yeah! [chuckles]
- Whoo!

No. She's a good actor as well.

Oh. Will, Will, Will, Will.

You should call Peyton
and tell her to come down here.

- Wait, wait. Wait, who's Peyton?
- No.

You know, Will's, uh, new girlfriend.

You know, the four of us
should have dinner sometime.

How fun would that be?

Ooh. Girlfriend?

You never told me
that you had a girlfriend.

Uh, it's... it's nothing.

I-I haven't mentioned it
to anybody, honestly.

- Except for Charlie it seems. [laughs]
- [Will chuckles]

Oh. Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
Was I not supposed to say anything?

- [Sylvia] Ooh.
- [Charlie] I'm sorry.

No, wait, wait.
Sylvia, you haven't met Peyton?

- No. Peyton? What is she? Eighteen, 19?
- [chuckles]

- She's not 18.
- No, she's 25.

- Oh, slay.
- [all chuckling]

Oh, I feel like I asked you if you
were seeing somebody.

I'm barely seeing her,
I didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Oh. But I did ask you a direct question,
eh, which you denied.

So you did... you lied to me.

- I did not lie.
- Little bit. Little bit.

I just didn't say a thing yet.

That's... You know,
I don't think that's a lie.

- That's a lie.
- I don't know.

I don't know what you had for breakfast.
You lying to me about that?

Well, if you asked me
what I had for breakfast,

and I said I had Vegemite toast,

but I actually had cereal
then that would make me a liar.

It is a material omission.

- You would get dinged for it in court.
- Thank you.

Why would you lie
about what you had for breakfast?

Why would you lie
about having a girlfriend?

That's a good question.
Why would you lie about that?

- Oh, yeah, busted. [chuckles]
- [Sylvia] Ooh.

[all shouting indistinctly]

- What is going on right now? [chuckles]
- Secret. Secret. Secret.

Uh, sounds like a "barbitration" to me.

[chuckles]

Right, guys? It's like an arbitration,
but in a bar.

- Ooh.
- I like that. I like that.

Calling the bar to order.

Yes, I love Franklin & Bash.

- [laughs]
- [stammers] No, wait.

An arbitration doesn't happen
in a courtroom,

so no one gets called to order.

- Boo.
- Oh, boo. Boo, boo, boo.

- You're turning the jury against me, babe.
- [stammers]

- What are you doing?
- There's no jury in an arbitration.

Charlie, it is not an arbitration,
it is a barbitration.

Why do you not understand this?

Will the plaintiff state your gripe?

My complaint is that my friend lied to me
and told everybody else

at this bar that he had a girlfriend,
because he's a giant weirdo.

- [chuckles]
- Why do you care?

Well, because it's weird.

I did not tell everybody
that I have a girlfriend.

Oh. Okay.

Everybody raise your hand if you knew
Will had a girlfriend before I did.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you.

I was there the night they met.
They had a magical connection.

So, in... as my closing argument,

I would like to asked the defendant
why he could lie to my face

about something that he felt so freely
to be able to share

with a complete stranger
such as my husband.

- Mmm, I have known Will for 15 years.
- Objection overruled.

You're not the judge.

- There is no judge in an arbitra... Okay.
- It's a barbitration.

I was forced to confirm the existence
of my alleged girlfriend

to the plaintiff's husband

when I confirmed
that the plaintiff's husband

was telling everyone at his work
that I was your boyfriend.

- [all gasp]
- Oh.

- Got him.
- [all laughing]

- What?
- It was a joke.

That's not funny.

Well, you know, people at work
think it's very funny, right?

Albert came up with it.
It's basically hilarious.

Uh, okay. So, um, walk me through it.

- Unpack the comedy. I love a good joke.
- [clears throat]

What... How did it even come up?

I am not the one
on barbitration right now.

It sounds like you are now. Yay.

I don't even understand
how that would come up at work.

Well, I don't know. You and Will like to
go out late and do your thang.

Our thang?

But that...
That doesn't make him my boyfriend.

It's just a shorthand.
It's really not that big a deal.

Oh, okay. So you yourself don't
have a problem with it,

yet you talk about it so much
at work you have a shorthand.

Well, when you come home at 4 a.m.
it does tend to come up at work.

That was one time, babe.
That was his divorce party.

- It got a little out of hand. I told you...
- For the people who did ketamine.

- [Omar chuckles]
- Shut up.

- What? What's up, bro?
- What did you say?

Talking about when we did ketamine.
[vocalizing]

- Shut up.
- Sylvia, what is he talking about?

Um,

I did a small amount of ketamine.

Ketamine?

- [Sylvia] Yeah.
- You do realize you have kids, right?

Yes, that's why I slept it off.

It might actually... It's kinda...
This... This actually is my fault.

You gave Sylvia ketamine?

In my defense, I thought it was cocaine.

And just so I'm clear,
that's your defense?

The defense rests.

Hey, let's go, babe. Let's...
Let's talk about this at home.

Come on. Let's go.

Uh, why don't we sweep up
this glass some more.

Yeah.

- [bang]
- Fuck!

- [glasses clanking, shattering]
- [Will] Oh, God.

- Oh, no.
- [bar patrons gasping]

- Ah. Oh, no!
- Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Is it bad?

Oh, no, I can't do blood.
I can't do blood.

- [screaming]
- Will, go to the bathroom!

What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do? What do I do?

I'm panicking. What do I do?

I'm panicking. I'm panicking.
Do I leave it in or take it out?

Do not do that, it's dangerous.

- Oh, my God.
- I would pull it out.

Do I leave it in or take it out?

- No, God, no.
- Don't pull it out.

- I'm gonna pull it out.
- [Charlie] Don't pull it out.

[bar patrons gasp]

Okay, I got you. I got you. I got you.

Oh. Oh. Oh, no.

- [groaning]
- I need a first aid kit now.

- Everybody, quiet!
- Hmm.

- [breathing heavily]
- Hey, Omar.

- [Omar] Yeah?
- Can you find some clean towels for me?

Yeah.

You need to call 911.

I got 911.

- [groans] Oh, no.
- It might've hit an artery.

- Omar, how we doing with those towels?
- Oh.

[Omar] I know they're back here somewhere.

- Okay. Ah, fuck it.
- [grunting]

[breathing heavily, groaning]

It's all right.

I've got a ton of bar towels, man.
You didn't have to rip your shirt.

- [Will groaning]
- And bring those towels.

And you should sit up.
Put your head between your legs, Will.

No, no, we're gonna lift his legs
above his heart.

Don't listen to me. Just... [stammers]
...do whatever he says.

I'm always wrong.

- Am I gonna live? [breathing heavily]
- You're gonna be fine.

[groans] I'm feeling a little bit better.

- [Sylvia] You look better.
- I'm gonna be okay?

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, you don't wanna look at that.
- That's yucky.

[Will sighs]

[grunts, sighs]

So you guys are going
to 7655 Uplander Way?

[Charlie] Yes.

[inhales sharply] Oh, shit.

[inhales deeply, sighs]

I know it's late.
You didn't have to come over.

That's really nice of you.

I gotta get you some Arnica
for when those stitches come out.

- I know. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

[sniffs]

What is it? Are you okay?

[sobbing]

Uh, it's just... it's really nice
to have someone take care of me.

You know, you made me dinner
and... [inhales deeply]

...I'm sorry. [chuckles]

If you can't tell,
I'm a bit of a mess right now,

and I just... I'm sorry.

- It's just a... [sniffs]
- Hey.

I like you.

- Thank you.
- [timer beeps]

Cheese time.

Great. Cool. [chuckles, sniffs]

Oh, my God. I've done it again.
It's perfect.

- You wanna know the secret?
- What?

Two flavor packets.

- Mmm.
- Right?

- That's so fucking good.
- I know.

- You want more? [chuckles]
- That's real tasty. Yeah.

Mmm. That's very good.
You're good at this.

- [chuckles]
- That's fucking tasty as hell.

- Your hair looks cute.
- Thank you.

- We match.
- Yeah, it's perfect.

We're like children of the corn.

We're like a Mormon family.

It's adorable.
This is the least Jewish I've ever felt.

[chuckles]
You're gonna change it back though, right?

No,
I've been getting a lot of compliments.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I don't get that many compliments.

I've been getting 'em.

[Sylvia brushes teeth]

[faucet running]

[Sylvia slurps]

[sighs]

I'm so sorry, babe.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about the ketamine.

I... I... I was... It was... [stammers]
...It was a complete mistake.

- I should never even tried the coke. I...
- I know. I know.

- It's... [inhales deeply] ...I get it. [sighs]
- [sighs]

I remember this kind of night
from when we first met.

- [chuckles] You were so wild back then.
- [sighs]

That's one of the parts of you
I fell in love with.

[inhales deeply, sighs]

I love our family.
I love our kids. [inhales deeply]

I love this tiny house,
but if I'm being honest... [inhales deeply]

...I miss that side of you,
and I hope that I didn't take it away.

What? No.
No, you didn't take anything away.

You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I know it sounds kind of stupid,

but I've been feeling kind of cut out.

I'm sorry that I ever
made you feel cut out.

That's my fault. It won't happen again.

Okay. Mmm.

[moans] No.
That's not what we're doing tonight.

[inhales deeply]
It made sense in the moment.

What moment?

Knock, knock. Special delivery.

W-What the fuck?

- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

Um, actually, this is yours.

Oh, right. Thanks.

[clears throat]

["Shining Star" playing]