Platonic (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
After a long rift in their friendship, Sylvia reunites with her old best friend, the newly divorced Will.
- Okay, here we go.
- Okay, okay. Family movie night, guys.
- Yeah.
- What we gonna watch?
- We've all gotta agree on something.
- I wanna watch The Emoji Movie.
- Okay.
- Oh, come on. You've seen it 8,000 times.
Yeah, sweetie, I really don't think
I can watch The Emoji Movie again.
But that's what I wanna watch.
What about Inside Out?
- It's so cute. It's not for me.
- Okay.
- I think you'll like it.
- You just wanna watch it again.
You always tear up.
Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie!
- How about John Wick?
- What?
- We're not watching John Wick, Simon.
- No. We're not watching...
- How do you... No.
- What? No.
Well, maybe there's something new
that came out. Let me check.
Good idea.
- Okay.
- Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie!
Oh, whoa.
- What?
- What?
- Will's getting a divorce.
- Who's Will?
- Will's getting a divorce?
- Yeah. Audrey just posted it on her Insta.
- Who's Will?
- Wait, you didn't know that?
- No. I haven't spoken to him for so long.
- Who's Will?
He's a old friend of mine, honey.
There was a time when Will
was Mommy's best friend.
- Like, an ex?
- No. Just a friend.
With benefits?
- No. Ew. What? No benefits.
- No.
Yeah. In fact, Will was your mom's
maid of honor at our wedding.
What are we watching
for family movie night?
- Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie.
- I can't. I...
I can't watch The Emoji Movie again.
I just can't.
- Oh, babe, why do you care?
- It's a movie about fonts.
- How about Halloween?
- No.
- It doesn't matter.
- Talking fonts.
- Poop emoji!
- It's wrong.
We have so little time together.
- Poop emoji!
- What about Dahmer?
- No.
- Dahmer?
Why not? We should watch Dahmer.
- Dahmer? Okay.
- Yeah.
I know what we're gonna do.
Poop emoji.
- You should call Will.
- I'm the last person he'd wanna hear from.
You're overthinking it.
He probably really wants to hear from you.
I don't know. We literally haven't spoken
to each other in years.
We parted on the worst terms.
His wife hated me.
- You hated her.
- Well, it wasn't that simple.
I told him I thought Audrey
was terrible for him,
and then he married her.
Well, looks like he came around.
Well, it definitely
wasn't worth losing a friend over.
Yeah, so call him.
- It'll just be weird.
- Why?
I don't know.
Men and women don't really hang out
with each other at our age.
- That's not true.
- Come on.
All our friends are couple friends,
and you talk to the men,
and I talk to the women.
Yeah, I guess that is true.
When did it become so hard
for men and women to socialize?
- After we got married? After we had kids?
- Well, you and Will predate all that.
I guess. Poor Will.
He's probably pretty lonely.
Call him. That's what friends do.
- Hi. Oh, my God.
- Hey. Look at you.
- How are you?
- I'm great. How are you?
- You look well. This...
- I am. Feeling good.
- Your T-shirt's good. It's nice. Yeah.
- Yeah, thank you.
You look like a '90s grunge clown.
Gosh. How is it go...
How's the beer business?
Very good, yeah.
I'm actually the brewmaster
at my own bar now.
- What? Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Very cool.
I'm actually... We're having a party
at the bar this weekend.
- Okay.
- Yeah. If you're around...
If you're around this weekend,
stop by the bar.
- I'd love to. Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll send you the details.
Are you still lawyering?
Charlie just made partner,
and I... I help him out.
Oh, wow.
So, you work at the firm
with Charlie still?
We've been doing a lot of work.
It's been great.
You and Charlie are currently employed
at the same law firm?
I am not on salary.
But that's society for you.
I do not work currently.
I see. You are unemployed currently.
You still got that family of yours?
Yeah. You wanna see a photo?
Yeah.
Wow. There they are.
Cool. Wow.
Cool.
Look healthy.
Well, look, I just wanted to apologize
for how I handled things with your wife.
I felt... Especially saying
that you shouldn't marry her.
I regret that.
Well...
What?
Nothing.
- What's... You... Yeah? You good?
- Nothing. No, I'm just telling you.
Yeah, great, no.
- All right. I appreciate that.
- Yeah.
Well, she's my ex-wife now, so...
- Oh, no! When did that happen?
- Yes.
Just a few months ago. Yeah.
- Oh, no.
- Yep.
How did that happen?
What happened between you guys?
Nothing. It was mutual.
It was very amicable and mutual.
- Okay.
- We're still friends. We hang out.
- Wow. That's very evolved.
- Yes, very amicable.
And, yeah, you know, conscious
uncoupling and all that. All that shit.
Well, divorce is hard.
Let's not.
- Well, this has been a blast.
- This has been so nice to see you.
Yeah. This has been a blast.
This has been so fun.
All right.
- Okay.
- Yeah. If you're around this weekend,
- come to the party.
- For sure.
- I'll send you the details.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah. Great.
- I'll get a babysitter. Okay.
I'm trying to wrap my head around this.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She's gone for five years,
- and now she's coming to our party?
- Yes.
That's a little fucked up.
- Why is that fucked up?
- You know, she never liked Audrey.
Now Audrey's out of the picture,
she's back.
Feels a little fucked up to me.
I actually don't think her hating Audrey
has anything to do with her return.
She actually didn't even know that we were
divorced when she asked me out to coffee.
Wait, go back. Who's this chick
that hates my sister so much?
She's a friend of mine. And also,
Audrey, my ex-wife, not your sister.
She's your stepsister.
And as far as I know, your parents
got married when you were, like,
almost out of high school,
so it's pretty weird how close you are.
Also, you don't have to be here.
We run the bar. You're an investor.
You can stay home
and defraud Seth Green out of NFTs, okay?
- Look, I get what's happening here.
- What?
- You can't be friends with a girl.
- That is absolutely not true.
The whole movie When Harry Met Sally
is dedicated to proving
the fact that you can be friends
with a woman.
No, Will. That's a bad example.
Harry marries Sally.
- They fuck. They're not friends.
- Fact.
That movie should be called
When Harry Fucked Sally.
You can only be friends with a woman
if she's not hot. Double fact.
That is not true.
- That's not what I said. Didn't say that.
- No. Fellas, I agree with Will.
Because I'm best friends with my aunt,
and she's a perfect ten.
- Nice.
- There you go.
I have met your aunt,
and she is hot. Fact.
- That's yucky.
- Yeah, it's weird. Anyways.
So, do you think she's gonna come or what?
No. I do not think she'll come.
She lives in Culver City.
She has three or nine children.
I can't remember, honestly,
but it'll be logistically too hard
for her to pull off.
I just invited her to be polite.
Couldn't tell with that body.
Good for her.
I don't think you can tell
how many kids someone has
just from the way their body looks.
I mean, consider for a moment,
the termite queen.
You wouldn't know by looking at it that it
has thousands and thousands of offspring.
Think we're gonna move you
to the back of the house, Omar.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mommy, don't come with me.
- What?
- I'm not a baby anymore.
I'm in kindergarten.
You don't have to come with me.
I know, but I love to walk you
to your classroom...
Stay.
Okay.
I forgot my water bottle.
Yes!
Like it's any worse for him
than a juice box.
Did you see what just happened?
Maeve didn't want me to walk her
to her classroom anymore.
You had a good run.
It's just so abrupt.
I've been a full-time mom
for the past 13 years,
and now no one even wants to be seen
with me on the schoolyard.
I do.
Yeah, I thought I'd feel relieved
when Maeve finally
went to kindergarten, you know?
Have some time to myself.
Have a shower. Make a salad.
You were never gonna make a salad.
And now I feel like everybody's
just looking at me, going,
"What are you gonna do
with the rest of your life?"
No, no. No one is looking at us.
We're invisible.
We're... We're middle-aged women. Watch.
Hi. Morning, guys. How was the...
- No.
- This is a midlife crisis.
This is how a woman experiences
a midlife crisis.
You know what I'm thinking you should do?
- Please don't say it.
- Etsy.
- I was a lawyer. I have a law degree.
- I always forget that.
Remember how I told you I was
catching up with that old friend of mine?
He asked me what I did,
and I showed him a picture of my kids.
- Brutal.
- Right?
He couldn't get away from me fast enough.
And I don't blame him.
Honestly, he's, like, this hipster,
brewpub, kind of fashion guy,
and I'm, like, a...
He's hosting a party
at his bar in the Arts District.
We should go!
What? No, no.
No, it's not for people like us.
Maybe I'll meet somebody.
I have had such a long dry spell.
Yeah, that's where
you're gonna meet someone.
But who are you gonna meet
at a downtown brewpub?
- Shia LaBeouf.
- Again? Still with the Shia LaBeouf?
I'm sorry. I just happen
to like them small and angry and crazy.
And you know he's good at fucking.
- No.
- No, you know that he is.
Come on. Let's just go to the party.
Who cares?
This could be the last party
before we die.
- Can't argue with that.
- No.
Bye.
- Oh, my God. Bye, guys!
- Bye.
- See you at pickup.
- Bye.
- Pickpocket them, huh? I'm here.
- Yes! Happily.
- Yeah. I'm here.
- Can't you see me?
- You don't see this? You don't see this?
- I'm here. You don't see this?
Do I look okay?
I feel I dress like a literal cougar.
Like, it's leopard though.
- I mean, do I look divorced and desperate?
- No, you look great.
Oh, holy shit!
Everyone here is Frances's age.
Oh, my God. Is that guy wearing a T-shirt
and no pants? Is that cool now?
Don't ask me. I know as nothing as you.
Well, I'll tell you this.
We may not be young,
but we have life experience
that none of these bitches have.
Oh, yeah.
Like... Like how to swaddle a newborn.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Right?
I'll tell you this much.
We got better credit than anybody in here.
- Better credit!
- Credit!
- Better credit, better credit
- Better credit, better credit
Better credit...
Sorry for existing.
I just... This feels like it's gonna be
awkward. I don't know.
We could just go.
Why don't we go and go somewhere else
- and get a glass of wine...
- Okay, yeah. Sure.
- Hey!
- Hi... Hi!
Oh, my God. He saw me. Hi! Hi!
I don't wanna be here.
I don't wanna be here.
- Hi. Hey!
- Hey! You made it.
- Yeah. Congrats.
- Good to see you.
- Thank you so much. Yeah. Hey.
- Yeah, of course. This is Katie.
- Hi. Hi.
- Katie, Will. Andy.
- Hi.
- Katie.
- Sylvia.
- Hey, man. Congratulations, you guys.
- This is such an achievement.
- So cool. It's so hip.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yes.
Will couldn't have done it
without your support, Sylvia.
- Okay. Great.
- I'm gonna... I'm gonna get us some drinks.
Okay. Listen, I'm not gonna say no,
'cause, you know, it's your thing.
- Okay.
- I can get you to the front.
- Thanks. Thanks.
- Yeah. Yeah.
This is amazing.
- You've really made this work.
- We did it. Yeah, it's cool.
- I have an idea for your next venture.
- Yeah? What is it?
Yes. A wine pub.
A wine pub? Yeah.
Like a place that serves wine and food?
- Yes.
- That's called a restaurant.
- Yeah, not enough of those around, right?
- I'm just saying.
I could be sitting a... on a chair having
a glass of wine in this very spot.
- That's very true.
- So...
Sorry to interrupt your story.
The lady from LA Times is by the tanks
if you want to talk to her.
Yeah, sure.
- I'll be right back.
- Yeah, cool.
This is so good!
I know you worked so hard on this and...
I don't know what you think you know,
but the divorce is still fresh, okay?
So be careful with my guy.
You talked just as much shit
about her as I did,
but I got blamed and cut out.
That's not fair. That's sexist.
Don't Susan B. Anthony me, okay?
Just 'cause you got your Hillary Clinton
white pantsuit on.
- Wow.
- Listen, I don't make the rules.
I just respect 'em.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- That doesn't make any sense...
- You know what I'm talking about.
- So yeah.
- Well, I don't.
- Sorry. Little do-si-do.
- Okay.
Sorry. That was weird. Congrats.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
- Hey!
- So, I met a guy at the bar.
- What? Tell me everything.
- Yeah!
Well, I couldn't hear anything
that he said.
- Not a word, 'cause it's so loud in here.
- Right. It's very loud.
And I couldn't see him very well.
I don't have my glasses on.
- But it's fun to be out! Yeah.
- That's cute.
Okay, well, I think we should...
We can get outta here.
- Don't tear me away.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'm so fucking tired.
Well, that was a bummer.
- Yeah, I don't know. What did you expect?
- I don't know.
It's just so weird
to be close with someone,
and then all of a sudden
you're complete strangers.
Your friendship with Will is not built
for this phase of life.
I have a lot of male friends.
I mean, I did.
- I used to.
- Yeah, so did I.
My best friend in college,
his name was Oren.
- What happened? You still in touch?
- Yeah.
I talk to him on the phone every night.
- Well, there you go.
- What?
Of course not! What do you think happened?
- What?
- No! No, I don't talk to him every night.
What's wrong with you?
We got very drunk, had sex,
and then we never spoke again.
This thing with you and Will,
it's just more trouble than it's worth.
He's from your past.
- He's like acid-washed jeans.
- Well, they're back in fashion.
- No. Stop.
- They are. Frances told me. They're back.
Goddamn it.
What the f... I just, just gave them away.
- Chill.
- Shut up. Hey, how dare you?
What the fuck is your fucking problem?
Oh, no. Oh, my God. That's Audrey.
That's his ex-wife.
Bringing a date to my bar?
In what world is that okay?
- That's the ex-wife?
- Yeah.
Geez, she's hot.
- Oh, my God.
- She's a... She's gorgeous.
She's just gorgeous.
You have everything.
You have the whole world.
I have one place! This place!
And you bring a fucking Nazi to my bar?
- Get this fucking guy out of here.
- But I am from Norway
where a social democratic alliance
has controlled parliament for many...
Don't pretend your family likes Jews.
How fucking dare you?
I know you guys are used to invading
other people's territories,
but this is my bar!
This is my place!
I get this in the divorce.
This is not yours. It's my brother's bar.
He's your fucking stepbrother.
Why do you fixate on that detail?
It's so weird.
Because I think it's weird
how close you are, if I'm being honest.
I think it's weird!
Your stepbrother, by the way?
Not the only owner of this bar.
I own 24.5% of this fucking place!
And meanwhile,
you're bringing Leni Riefenstahl's
fucking key grip in here.
Oh, no, Will. Oh, dear. He's unhinged.
This is awful.
This is so fun.
- I love her shoes.
- My God. That top.
Okay, it was a mistake to bring him,
but you need to cool down.
- You think? I won't cool down.
- Take it down a notch.
In this place, I can be as uncool
as I want. I'll bring it up 20 notches!
That's how... That's what I'm gonna do.
- Yeah. Go back to the bunker.
- Hey.
Auf Wiedersehen.
That was completely unprofessional, man.
No fucking shit it was!
Do you think I'm happy?
- Completely.
- I know!
This is... I g... I
can't... I have to stay.
No, don't.
No, no, no, it's not a big deal.
He's just... He looks so sad.
No, I actually don't care.
So I will see you
at morning assembly tomorrow,
- at 8:15.
- Okay. Okay.
- Jesus Christ. It's 10:15.
- Okay.
Yeah, I... That's why I'm going home.
Okay.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
You okay?
No. I need to get outta here.
Do you wanna get a drink somewhere else?
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
I thought you guys ended
on friendly terms.
That... That didn't seem very friendly.
Can you tell me what happened?
Like, why it ended and...
She just started to, you know,
think I was not ambitious enough
and not a serious person.
And she thought I drank too much.
- Which is, like, literally your job.
- Literally my job.
I'm working right now. I'm killing it.
Putting in overtime, you know?
But...
And then she kinda moved up
in the world as an art dealer
and she just started to look at me
like I was a fucking loser.
And so I did the mature, responsible thing
and I hooked up with a rando one night.
- So you really are the hero of this story.
- I think I look pretty good, right?
Coming out on top.
- Yeah, you crushed it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, there's a lot of
pretty lasses here, huh?
Maybe you just need
to be with someone else.
I don't think... That is not what I need.
I don't mean like a life partner,
but just someone for a bit of fun.
You know, I could do my whole thing again.
I could dust off my wings
and be your wing-lass.
It's okay. Are you drunk?
How many drinks have you had?
I've had two beers, so yes, I am.
This is not a "meet people" bar.
This is a trauma bar, okay?
Where you going?
Hi. Hi, ladies.
He has a lot of tattoos.
I see you have some tattoos, huh?
- Yeah. I do.
- What does this one mean?
It's a tribute to my boyfriend
who was murdered a year ago.
Do you mind me asking what happened?
I've never met anyone who was...
Well, he was stabbed.
Okay, thank you. Nice meeting you.
- It was lovely to meet you.
- Bring it in.
Cheers. Bye.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
She seemed really sweet
but I think she had a lot of baggage.
You think?
At least if I'm with her, I know if I die,
I'll be honored in the form
of a tramp stamp.
I can't be dating right now.
It is humiliating. I'm 40 years old, okay?
I... The thought of it is...
Gives me a panic attack, you know?
Look. Look at this guy.
Look at this cutie.
Remember him?
He was the king of pussy town!
We don't really say that anymore.
I'm sorry, he was the emperor
of pussy town.
The president of the pussy.
P-town... P-town daddy.
- All jokes aside...
- Come on.
...look how young and virile I am.
And my look almost seems as though it
is single-handedly being pulled together
through this amazing golden chai necklace.
- Oh, God. Here we go.
- My beautiful chai.
This was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
And now... Honestly, now that I think
about it, my entire life went downhill
the moment my chai necklace
was thrown away.
I am not gonna apologize
for getting rid of that thing.
Men can't wear gold necklaces.
That was so ugly.
- Tell that to Mel Gibson.
- Exactly.
Literally you have to tell him,
'cause he will not talk to Jewish people.
- All right. That's it. Let's go.
- Where we going?
I'm gonna get you a new chai necklace.
- A chai necklace?
- A chai necklace.
I don't know if there's any 24-hour
Judaica stores in the neighborhood,
- but we'll find one.
- Come on, Mel. Let's go.
Thank you. Good to see you.
Here we are.
- Hello. Hi, hi, hi.
- Hello. We request access.
- Yeah.
- Come in.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- You looking for a guitar?
- No.
'Cause this one belonged to Mick Jagger.
What? How much is it?
A thousand.
That seems like a bargain
for Mick Jagger's guitar.
We could buy it and sell it for a profit.
- It's not Mick Jagger's guitar.
- I'm just saying.
- That might be Rick Jagger's guitar.
- Well, I have an interested buyer.
We're good.
What the fuck?
Look at that. I want that.
The dog?
No, not that. The... The "W" hanging off
the collar. "W."
Will. I'm Will. That stands for Will.
That's sterling silver. Fifty bucks.
- Wow.
- Fifty dollars.
- Sterling silver. Really?
- That deal. Sterling silver, $50.
Okay.
Come on. Look at that!
- Okay. Sold.
- You got a deal, sir.
Thank you.
Go on and get it now.
- Pardon me?
- I'm not taking anything from Wrestler.
Okay, all right. Thank you, sir.
I would like a refund.
Come on, man. You just took my money,
like, just then.
Yo.
- We got this.
- I can't steal the... I can't...
I've... I'm a married woman.
I have three children.
I can't get attacked by a Doberman.
- Why did you come out tonight?
- I wanted to see you, catch up.
No. No, no, no. That is not why
you came out. You came out to have fun.
- I did.
- So why don't we have fun?
- Let's do it. Come on.
- Okay.
Your kids will think it's cool
if their mother's missing an ear.
Plea... No, no, no. Come on.
Just...
You calm the beast as I approach him.
- How? How... What shall I...
- Just... I don't know.
Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of posies...
I feel like I'm in
a fucking horror movie now.
- ...A tissue, a t...
- That's not helping.
Just do something else.
Hi, sweet girl. Hi. I paid for this.
Stay. Thank you.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Go, go, go!
Okay.
- Go!
- Right, go, go, go.
- Yes! Yes! Worth it!
- Oh, my God. Yes! We got it! Yes!
- Oh, God.
- Yes!
- You want a weed gummy?
- Yes! Oh, yes, I do.
- Let's go.
- Thank you.
- Pretty okay fries, am I right?
- It's good.
So good.
I forgot you get like this
when you're high.
I'm not that high.
Not that high.
So what's it like to be
in a healthy marriage? Is that cool?
- It's good.
- It's good?
Charlie was always pretty perfect.
He's great.
And he just... he just gets happier.
He's... Just gets happier.
- That's a nightmare.
- It's like,
- this is really his moment, you know?
- This is his moment.
- Loves being a grown-up.
- He loves being a grown-up.
- So good at being a dad.
- He's good at being a dad.
I didn't understand that at all.
He just makes it look easy and...
You know, I kinda look like a...
Like a mess next to him.
You? It makes you look like a mess?
You?
Impossible.
No one in a napkin bib can be a mess,
by definition.
You've taken preventive measures.
How are your... relations?
There is one thing
about the sex that's like...
Okay. There you go.
What is it? Good sex? Bad sex?
Not enough sex?
No. Just a little bit time-consuming.
Time-consuming sex.
- What are we talking about, time wise?
- Half an hour.
- Half an hour?
- Yeah, half an hour.
That's like Modern Family
with commercials.
If I lasted half an hour,
I would throw a parade.
It's too long. It really is too long.
Here's... Exactly. Wrap it up.
- What are we doing here?
- Wrap it up.
I... Here's a little secret.
I was with a lady once,
and we were having sex.
I was very drunk so I was not...
I couldn't finish.
She did this thing where she, like,
punched me in the back,
kind of in the lower back,
lower kidneys kind of.
And I don't know what it did. It, like,
flipped some jizz switch in my body,
and I came instantaneously.
- What?
- Yes.
- Is it... Show me. Where is the button?
- The cum button?
This area right here. I think.
- Right in this area.
- All right.
Well, I don't... I don't want
anything to happen.
- Don't worry. That's disgusting.
- I don't care.
- This is a medical lesson.
- I don't want...
Don't flatter yourself. Come on.
Now punch my cum button.
All right, I'm doing it. Okay.
There you go.
Except you hit my fart switch
instead of my cum button.
- The fart switch?
- Oh, yeah.
They're right next door,
so you gotta be careful.
All right. What do you wanna do now?
Let's get... Let's go to Korean barbecue.
No. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going home.
What? Come on. I thought
you were in this with me.
- I am. I'm totally in this with you. I am.
- I'm so depressed. I need you. Don't go.
But I just have so many things tomorrow
and they all start so early.
Fair-weather friend.
- Fair-weather friend?
- Yeah.
The minute I heard, I called you.
Wait, what?
I said the minute I heard about you
and Audrey, I got in touch.
- I ain't no fair-weather friend.
- Wait, that's why you got in touch?
Yeah, well, and I mean, I got in touch
to apologize to you, which I did.
It was a pity call? You knew?
You knew we were divorced?
What's wrong with that, if it was?
I... You're my friend, I heard the news,
I got in touch,
and I was worried about you.
Okay.
Let's get into it, huh? Shall we?
We were friends
and then you threw that friendship away
because you didn't like
the woman that I was gonna marry.
And then you heard
we were getting divorced,
and you come back around
to do a fucking victory lap.
My position remains unchanged.
She was terrible for you.
And look what happened.
I just... I was in love,
and I just wanted you to support me.
That's all I wanted.
I was just being honest
because I love you.
And you didn't wanna hear it,
so you ditched me.
I didn't... I ditched you 'cause it's hard
to be friends with someone
who you know hates your wife.
Isn't honesty what you want
from your closest friends?
- No! Not when it's bad.
- Andy didn't love Audrey,
but you didn't hold that against him,
did you? What's that about?
It's different with men
than it is with women.
- Men, they're... they're... He's a l...
- Fuck off.
- They're more mellow about this shit.
- That's bullshit. That's s...
That's ridiculous. And it's fucking
bullshit, and it's insulting.
Sometimes the truth is insulting.
Men are more mellow.
- That doesn't make sense.
- Don't know what to say.
Yeah, men are really mellow.
You know who starts wars? Men.
You think George W. Bush was really
fucking mellow when he invaded Iraq?
Ever heard of Mary Queen of Scots?
Please tell me one thing about
Mary Queen of Scots.
Bloody Mary. That's what they call her.
And you don't get that name
by being mellow.
Margaret Thatcher,
she was a fucking asshole.
That Cara Delevingne,
she seems like a fucking mess.
- Okay?
- Okay, see you later.
- See you later. Have a good one.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Keep it real.
- Okay.
And by the way, that shit,
that's from 20 years ago.
So is this.
That's a good one.
- Bye. Fuck you.
- Yeah, fuck you.
Hello, sir. Thank you so much.
What do I even do now?
- Hi.
- Hi, baby.
How was it?
It was just the same old shit
with a bunch of drama.
You smell like french fries.
Yeah, we went to Denny's.
I missed you.
Missed you too.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, yeah.
Let's take our time tonight.
What was that?
Sorry. Sorry,
it was just an arm spasm. I'm sorry.
Jesus, you really got me there, champ.
Sorry, I just...
You good?
No, I think the moment kinda passed.
- Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Sorry. Okay.
- It's okay.
- I got one in the post.
- It's okay.
Night.
Back punch did not work, asshole.
- You actually tried that?
- Of course I did.
I made that up.
- You're a liar.
- I am.
You're gonna pay for this.
You're gonna pay for this so hard.
Well, bring it on.
So, what are you doing now?
I'm bidding on Garbage Pail Kids on eBay.
Did you get anything good?
I got an Adam Head in mint condition.
I'm kidding. I don't care.
What are you doing? Online shopping
for a fifth pair of high-waisted jeans?
Fuck off. And yes. How did you know?
Should we hang out again?
Sure, how about, like,
five years from now?
Cool. But Tuesdays are bad
'cause your mom comes over.
Thank you for capitalizing her name.
Very respectful.
She's a working dominatrix,
so she demands respect.
Nice try. My mom only goes
to duck ponds and church.
That actually sounds nice.
It is nice.
- Okay, okay. Family movie night, guys.
- Yeah.
- What we gonna watch?
- We've all gotta agree on something.
- I wanna watch The Emoji Movie.
- Okay.
- Oh, come on. You've seen it 8,000 times.
Yeah, sweetie, I really don't think
I can watch The Emoji Movie again.
But that's what I wanna watch.
What about Inside Out?
- It's so cute. It's not for me.
- Okay.
- I think you'll like it.
- You just wanna watch it again.
You always tear up.
Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie!
- How about John Wick?
- What?
- We're not watching John Wick, Simon.
- No. We're not watching...
- How do you... No.
- What? No.
Well, maybe there's something new
that came out. Let me check.
Good idea.
- Okay.
- Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie!
Oh, whoa.
- What?
- What?
- Will's getting a divorce.
- Who's Will?
- Will's getting a divorce?
- Yeah. Audrey just posted it on her Insta.
- Who's Will?
- Wait, you didn't know that?
- No. I haven't spoken to him for so long.
- Who's Will?
He's a old friend of mine, honey.
There was a time when Will
was Mommy's best friend.
- Like, an ex?
- No. Just a friend.
With benefits?
- No. Ew. What? No benefits.
- No.
Yeah. In fact, Will was your mom's
maid of honor at our wedding.
What are we watching
for family movie night?
- Emoji Movie, Emoji Movie.
- I can't. I...
I can't watch The Emoji Movie again.
I just can't.
- Oh, babe, why do you care?
- It's a movie about fonts.
- How about Halloween?
- No.
- It doesn't matter.
- Talking fonts.
- Poop emoji!
- It's wrong.
We have so little time together.
- Poop emoji!
- What about Dahmer?
- No.
- Dahmer?
Why not? We should watch Dahmer.
- Dahmer? Okay.
- Yeah.
I know what we're gonna do.
Poop emoji.
- You should call Will.
- I'm the last person he'd wanna hear from.
You're overthinking it.
He probably really wants to hear from you.
I don't know. We literally haven't spoken
to each other in years.
We parted on the worst terms.
His wife hated me.
- You hated her.
- Well, it wasn't that simple.
I told him I thought Audrey
was terrible for him,
and then he married her.
Well, looks like he came around.
Well, it definitely
wasn't worth losing a friend over.
Yeah, so call him.
- It'll just be weird.
- Why?
I don't know.
Men and women don't really hang out
with each other at our age.
- That's not true.
- Come on.
All our friends are couple friends,
and you talk to the men,
and I talk to the women.
Yeah, I guess that is true.
When did it become so hard
for men and women to socialize?
- After we got married? After we had kids?
- Well, you and Will predate all that.
I guess. Poor Will.
He's probably pretty lonely.
Call him. That's what friends do.
- Hi. Oh, my God.
- Hey. Look at you.
- How are you?
- I'm great. How are you?
- You look well. This...
- I am. Feeling good.
- Your T-shirt's good. It's nice. Yeah.
- Yeah, thank you.
You look like a '90s grunge clown.
Gosh. How is it go...
How's the beer business?
Very good, yeah.
I'm actually the brewmaster
at my own bar now.
- What? Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Very cool.
I'm actually... We're having a party
at the bar this weekend.
- Okay.
- Yeah. If you're around...
If you're around this weekend,
stop by the bar.
- I'd love to. Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll send you the details.
Are you still lawyering?
Charlie just made partner,
and I... I help him out.
Oh, wow.
So, you work at the firm
with Charlie still?
We've been doing a lot of work.
It's been great.
You and Charlie are currently employed
at the same law firm?
I am not on salary.
But that's society for you.
I do not work currently.
I see. You are unemployed currently.
You still got that family of yours?
Yeah. You wanna see a photo?
Yeah.
Wow. There they are.
Cool. Wow.
Cool.
Look healthy.
Well, look, I just wanted to apologize
for how I handled things with your wife.
I felt... Especially saying
that you shouldn't marry her.
I regret that.
Well...
What?
Nothing.
- What's... You... Yeah? You good?
- Nothing. No, I'm just telling you.
Yeah, great, no.
- All right. I appreciate that.
- Yeah.
Well, she's my ex-wife now, so...
- Oh, no! When did that happen?
- Yes.
Just a few months ago. Yeah.
- Oh, no.
- Yep.
How did that happen?
What happened between you guys?
Nothing. It was mutual.
It was very amicable and mutual.
- Okay.
- We're still friends. We hang out.
- Wow. That's very evolved.
- Yes, very amicable.
And, yeah, you know, conscious
uncoupling and all that. All that shit.
Well, divorce is hard.
Let's not.
- Well, this has been a blast.
- This has been so nice to see you.
Yeah. This has been a blast.
This has been so fun.
All right.
- Okay.
- Yeah. If you're around this weekend,
- come to the party.
- For sure.
- I'll send you the details.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah. Great.
- I'll get a babysitter. Okay.
I'm trying to wrap my head around this.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She's gone for five years,
- and now she's coming to our party?
- Yes.
That's a little fucked up.
- Why is that fucked up?
- You know, she never liked Audrey.
Now Audrey's out of the picture,
she's back.
Feels a little fucked up to me.
I actually don't think her hating Audrey
has anything to do with her return.
She actually didn't even know that we were
divorced when she asked me out to coffee.
Wait, go back. Who's this chick
that hates my sister so much?
She's a friend of mine. And also,
Audrey, my ex-wife, not your sister.
She's your stepsister.
And as far as I know, your parents
got married when you were, like,
almost out of high school,
so it's pretty weird how close you are.
Also, you don't have to be here.
We run the bar. You're an investor.
You can stay home
and defraud Seth Green out of NFTs, okay?
- Look, I get what's happening here.
- What?
- You can't be friends with a girl.
- That is absolutely not true.
The whole movie When Harry Met Sally
is dedicated to proving
the fact that you can be friends
with a woman.
No, Will. That's a bad example.
Harry marries Sally.
- They fuck. They're not friends.
- Fact.
That movie should be called
When Harry Fucked Sally.
You can only be friends with a woman
if she's not hot. Double fact.
That is not true.
- That's not what I said. Didn't say that.
- No. Fellas, I agree with Will.
Because I'm best friends with my aunt,
and she's a perfect ten.
- Nice.
- There you go.
I have met your aunt,
and she is hot. Fact.
- That's yucky.
- Yeah, it's weird. Anyways.
So, do you think she's gonna come or what?
No. I do not think she'll come.
She lives in Culver City.
She has three or nine children.
I can't remember, honestly,
but it'll be logistically too hard
for her to pull off.
I just invited her to be polite.
Couldn't tell with that body.
Good for her.
I don't think you can tell
how many kids someone has
just from the way their body looks.
I mean, consider for a moment,
the termite queen.
You wouldn't know by looking at it that it
has thousands and thousands of offspring.
Think we're gonna move you
to the back of the house, Omar.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mommy, don't come with me.
- What?
- I'm not a baby anymore.
I'm in kindergarten.
You don't have to come with me.
I know, but I love to walk you
to your classroom...
Stay.
Okay.
I forgot my water bottle.
Yes!
Like it's any worse for him
than a juice box.
Did you see what just happened?
Maeve didn't want me to walk her
to her classroom anymore.
You had a good run.
It's just so abrupt.
I've been a full-time mom
for the past 13 years,
and now no one even wants to be seen
with me on the schoolyard.
I do.
Yeah, I thought I'd feel relieved
when Maeve finally
went to kindergarten, you know?
Have some time to myself.
Have a shower. Make a salad.
You were never gonna make a salad.
And now I feel like everybody's
just looking at me, going,
"What are you gonna do
with the rest of your life?"
No, no. No one is looking at us.
We're invisible.
We're... We're middle-aged women. Watch.
Hi. Morning, guys. How was the...
- No.
- This is a midlife crisis.
This is how a woman experiences
a midlife crisis.
You know what I'm thinking you should do?
- Please don't say it.
- Etsy.
- I was a lawyer. I have a law degree.
- I always forget that.
Remember how I told you I was
catching up with that old friend of mine?
He asked me what I did,
and I showed him a picture of my kids.
- Brutal.
- Right?
He couldn't get away from me fast enough.
And I don't blame him.
Honestly, he's, like, this hipster,
brewpub, kind of fashion guy,
and I'm, like, a...
He's hosting a party
at his bar in the Arts District.
We should go!
What? No, no.
No, it's not for people like us.
Maybe I'll meet somebody.
I have had such a long dry spell.
Yeah, that's where
you're gonna meet someone.
But who are you gonna meet
at a downtown brewpub?
- Shia LaBeouf.
- Again? Still with the Shia LaBeouf?
I'm sorry. I just happen
to like them small and angry and crazy.
And you know he's good at fucking.
- No.
- No, you know that he is.
Come on. Let's just go to the party.
Who cares?
This could be the last party
before we die.
- Can't argue with that.
- No.
Bye.
- Oh, my God. Bye, guys!
- Bye.
- See you at pickup.
- Bye.
- Pickpocket them, huh? I'm here.
- Yes! Happily.
- Yeah. I'm here.
- Can't you see me?
- You don't see this? You don't see this?
- I'm here. You don't see this?
Do I look okay?
I feel I dress like a literal cougar.
Like, it's leopard though.
- I mean, do I look divorced and desperate?
- No, you look great.
Oh, holy shit!
Everyone here is Frances's age.
Oh, my God. Is that guy wearing a T-shirt
and no pants? Is that cool now?
Don't ask me. I know as nothing as you.
Well, I'll tell you this.
We may not be young,
but we have life experience
that none of these bitches have.
Oh, yeah.
Like... Like how to swaddle a newborn.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Right?
I'll tell you this much.
We got better credit than anybody in here.
- Better credit!
- Credit!
- Better credit, better credit
- Better credit, better credit
Better credit...
Sorry for existing.
I just... This feels like it's gonna be
awkward. I don't know.
We could just go.
Why don't we go and go somewhere else
- and get a glass of wine...
- Okay, yeah. Sure.
- Hey!
- Hi... Hi!
Oh, my God. He saw me. Hi! Hi!
I don't wanna be here.
I don't wanna be here.
- Hi. Hey!
- Hey! You made it.
- Yeah. Congrats.
- Good to see you.
- Thank you so much. Yeah. Hey.
- Yeah, of course. This is Katie.
- Hi. Hi.
- Katie, Will. Andy.
- Hi.
- Katie.
- Sylvia.
- Hey, man. Congratulations, you guys.
- This is such an achievement.
- So cool. It's so hip.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yes.
Will couldn't have done it
without your support, Sylvia.
- Okay. Great.
- I'm gonna... I'm gonna get us some drinks.
Okay. Listen, I'm not gonna say no,
'cause, you know, it's your thing.
- Okay.
- I can get you to the front.
- Thanks. Thanks.
- Yeah. Yeah.
This is amazing.
- You've really made this work.
- We did it. Yeah, it's cool.
- I have an idea for your next venture.
- Yeah? What is it?
Yes. A wine pub.
A wine pub? Yeah.
Like a place that serves wine and food?
- Yes.
- That's called a restaurant.
- Yeah, not enough of those around, right?
- I'm just saying.
I could be sitting a... on a chair having
a glass of wine in this very spot.
- That's very true.
- So...
Sorry to interrupt your story.
The lady from LA Times is by the tanks
if you want to talk to her.
Yeah, sure.
- I'll be right back.
- Yeah, cool.
This is so good!
I know you worked so hard on this and...
I don't know what you think you know,
but the divorce is still fresh, okay?
So be careful with my guy.
You talked just as much shit
about her as I did,
but I got blamed and cut out.
That's not fair. That's sexist.
Don't Susan B. Anthony me, okay?
Just 'cause you got your Hillary Clinton
white pantsuit on.
- Wow.
- Listen, I don't make the rules.
I just respect 'em.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- That doesn't make any sense...
- You know what I'm talking about.
- So yeah.
- Well, I don't.
- Sorry. Little do-si-do.
- Okay.
Sorry. That was weird. Congrats.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
- Hey!
- So, I met a guy at the bar.
- What? Tell me everything.
- Yeah!
Well, I couldn't hear anything
that he said.
- Not a word, 'cause it's so loud in here.
- Right. It's very loud.
And I couldn't see him very well.
I don't have my glasses on.
- But it's fun to be out! Yeah.
- That's cute.
Okay, well, I think we should...
We can get outta here.
- Don't tear me away.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'm so fucking tired.
Well, that was a bummer.
- Yeah, I don't know. What did you expect?
- I don't know.
It's just so weird
to be close with someone,
and then all of a sudden
you're complete strangers.
Your friendship with Will is not built
for this phase of life.
I have a lot of male friends.
I mean, I did.
- I used to.
- Yeah, so did I.
My best friend in college,
his name was Oren.
- What happened? You still in touch?
- Yeah.
I talk to him on the phone every night.
- Well, there you go.
- What?
Of course not! What do you think happened?
- What?
- No! No, I don't talk to him every night.
What's wrong with you?
We got very drunk, had sex,
and then we never spoke again.
This thing with you and Will,
it's just more trouble than it's worth.
He's from your past.
- He's like acid-washed jeans.
- Well, they're back in fashion.
- No. Stop.
- They are. Frances told me. They're back.
Goddamn it.
What the f... I just, just gave them away.
- Chill.
- Shut up. Hey, how dare you?
What the fuck is your fucking problem?
Oh, no. Oh, my God. That's Audrey.
That's his ex-wife.
Bringing a date to my bar?
In what world is that okay?
- That's the ex-wife?
- Yeah.
Geez, she's hot.
- Oh, my God.
- She's a... She's gorgeous.
She's just gorgeous.
You have everything.
You have the whole world.
I have one place! This place!
And you bring a fucking Nazi to my bar?
- Get this fucking guy out of here.
- But I am from Norway
where a social democratic alliance
has controlled parliament for many...
Don't pretend your family likes Jews.
How fucking dare you?
I know you guys are used to invading
other people's territories,
but this is my bar!
This is my place!
I get this in the divorce.
This is not yours. It's my brother's bar.
He's your fucking stepbrother.
Why do you fixate on that detail?
It's so weird.
Because I think it's weird
how close you are, if I'm being honest.
I think it's weird!
Your stepbrother, by the way?
Not the only owner of this bar.
I own 24.5% of this fucking place!
And meanwhile,
you're bringing Leni Riefenstahl's
fucking key grip in here.
Oh, no, Will. Oh, dear. He's unhinged.
This is awful.
This is so fun.
- I love her shoes.
- My God. That top.
Okay, it was a mistake to bring him,
but you need to cool down.
- You think? I won't cool down.
- Take it down a notch.
In this place, I can be as uncool
as I want. I'll bring it up 20 notches!
That's how... That's what I'm gonna do.
- Yeah. Go back to the bunker.
- Hey.
Auf Wiedersehen.
That was completely unprofessional, man.
No fucking shit it was!
Do you think I'm happy?
- Completely.
- I know!
This is... I g... I
can't... I have to stay.
No, don't.
No, no, no, it's not a big deal.
He's just... He looks so sad.
No, I actually don't care.
So I will see you
at morning assembly tomorrow,
- at 8:15.
- Okay. Okay.
- Jesus Christ. It's 10:15.
- Okay.
Yeah, I... That's why I'm going home.
Okay.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
You okay?
No. I need to get outta here.
Do you wanna get a drink somewhere else?
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
I thought you guys ended
on friendly terms.
That... That didn't seem very friendly.
Can you tell me what happened?
Like, why it ended and...
She just started to, you know,
think I was not ambitious enough
and not a serious person.
And she thought I drank too much.
- Which is, like, literally your job.
- Literally my job.
I'm working right now. I'm killing it.
Putting in overtime, you know?
But...
And then she kinda moved up
in the world as an art dealer
and she just started to look at me
like I was a fucking loser.
And so I did the mature, responsible thing
and I hooked up with a rando one night.
- So you really are the hero of this story.
- I think I look pretty good, right?
Coming out on top.
- Yeah, you crushed it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, there's a lot of
pretty lasses here, huh?
Maybe you just need
to be with someone else.
I don't think... That is not what I need.
I don't mean like a life partner,
but just someone for a bit of fun.
You know, I could do my whole thing again.
I could dust off my wings
and be your wing-lass.
It's okay. Are you drunk?
How many drinks have you had?
I've had two beers, so yes, I am.
This is not a "meet people" bar.
This is a trauma bar, okay?
Where you going?
Hi. Hi, ladies.
He has a lot of tattoos.
I see you have some tattoos, huh?
- Yeah. I do.
- What does this one mean?
It's a tribute to my boyfriend
who was murdered a year ago.
Do you mind me asking what happened?
I've never met anyone who was...
Well, he was stabbed.
Okay, thank you. Nice meeting you.
- It was lovely to meet you.
- Bring it in.
Cheers. Bye.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
She seemed really sweet
but I think she had a lot of baggage.
You think?
At least if I'm with her, I know if I die,
I'll be honored in the form
of a tramp stamp.
I can't be dating right now.
It is humiliating. I'm 40 years old, okay?
I... The thought of it is...
Gives me a panic attack, you know?
Look. Look at this guy.
Look at this cutie.
Remember him?
He was the king of pussy town!
We don't really say that anymore.
I'm sorry, he was the emperor
of pussy town.
The president of the pussy.
P-town... P-town daddy.
- All jokes aside...
- Come on.
...look how young and virile I am.
And my look almost seems as though it
is single-handedly being pulled together
through this amazing golden chai necklace.
- Oh, God. Here we go.
- My beautiful chai.
This was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
And now... Honestly, now that I think
about it, my entire life went downhill
the moment my chai necklace
was thrown away.
I am not gonna apologize
for getting rid of that thing.
Men can't wear gold necklaces.
That was so ugly.
- Tell that to Mel Gibson.
- Exactly.
Literally you have to tell him,
'cause he will not talk to Jewish people.
- All right. That's it. Let's go.
- Where we going?
I'm gonna get you a new chai necklace.
- A chai necklace?
- A chai necklace.
I don't know if there's any 24-hour
Judaica stores in the neighborhood,
- but we'll find one.
- Come on, Mel. Let's go.
Thank you. Good to see you.
Here we are.
- Hello. Hi, hi, hi.
- Hello. We request access.
- Yeah.
- Come in.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- You looking for a guitar?
- No.
'Cause this one belonged to Mick Jagger.
What? How much is it?
A thousand.
That seems like a bargain
for Mick Jagger's guitar.
We could buy it and sell it for a profit.
- It's not Mick Jagger's guitar.
- I'm just saying.
- That might be Rick Jagger's guitar.
- Well, I have an interested buyer.
We're good.
What the fuck?
Look at that. I want that.
The dog?
No, not that. The... The "W" hanging off
the collar. "W."
Will. I'm Will. That stands for Will.
That's sterling silver. Fifty bucks.
- Wow.
- Fifty dollars.
- Sterling silver. Really?
- That deal. Sterling silver, $50.
Okay.
Come on. Look at that!
- Okay. Sold.
- You got a deal, sir.
Thank you.
Go on and get it now.
- Pardon me?
- I'm not taking anything from Wrestler.
Okay, all right. Thank you, sir.
I would like a refund.
Come on, man. You just took my money,
like, just then.
Yo.
- We got this.
- I can't steal the... I can't...
I've... I'm a married woman.
I have three children.
I can't get attacked by a Doberman.
- Why did you come out tonight?
- I wanted to see you, catch up.
No. No, no, no. That is not why
you came out. You came out to have fun.
- I did.
- So why don't we have fun?
- Let's do it. Come on.
- Okay.
Your kids will think it's cool
if their mother's missing an ear.
Plea... No, no, no. Come on.
Just...
You calm the beast as I approach him.
- How? How... What shall I...
- Just... I don't know.
Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of posies...
I feel like I'm in
a fucking horror movie now.
- ...A tissue, a t...
- That's not helping.
Just do something else.
Hi, sweet girl. Hi. I paid for this.
Stay. Thank you.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Go, go, go!
Okay.
- Go!
- Right, go, go, go.
- Yes! Yes! Worth it!
- Oh, my God. Yes! We got it! Yes!
- Oh, God.
- Yes!
- You want a weed gummy?
- Yes! Oh, yes, I do.
- Let's go.
- Thank you.
- Pretty okay fries, am I right?
- It's good.
So good.
I forgot you get like this
when you're high.
I'm not that high.
Not that high.
So what's it like to be
in a healthy marriage? Is that cool?
- It's good.
- It's good?
Charlie was always pretty perfect.
He's great.
And he just... he just gets happier.
He's... Just gets happier.
- That's a nightmare.
- It's like,
- this is really his moment, you know?
- This is his moment.
- Loves being a grown-up.
- He loves being a grown-up.
- So good at being a dad.
- He's good at being a dad.
I didn't understand that at all.
He just makes it look easy and...
You know, I kinda look like a...
Like a mess next to him.
You? It makes you look like a mess?
You?
Impossible.
No one in a napkin bib can be a mess,
by definition.
You've taken preventive measures.
How are your... relations?
There is one thing
about the sex that's like...
Okay. There you go.
What is it? Good sex? Bad sex?
Not enough sex?
No. Just a little bit time-consuming.
Time-consuming sex.
- What are we talking about, time wise?
- Half an hour.
- Half an hour?
- Yeah, half an hour.
That's like Modern Family
with commercials.
If I lasted half an hour,
I would throw a parade.
It's too long. It really is too long.
Here's... Exactly. Wrap it up.
- What are we doing here?
- Wrap it up.
I... Here's a little secret.
I was with a lady once,
and we were having sex.
I was very drunk so I was not...
I couldn't finish.
She did this thing where she, like,
punched me in the back,
kind of in the lower back,
lower kidneys kind of.
And I don't know what it did. It, like,
flipped some jizz switch in my body,
and I came instantaneously.
- What?
- Yes.
- Is it... Show me. Where is the button?
- The cum button?
This area right here. I think.
- Right in this area.
- All right.
Well, I don't... I don't want
anything to happen.
- Don't worry. That's disgusting.
- I don't care.
- This is a medical lesson.
- I don't want...
Don't flatter yourself. Come on.
Now punch my cum button.
All right, I'm doing it. Okay.
There you go.
Except you hit my fart switch
instead of my cum button.
- The fart switch?
- Oh, yeah.
They're right next door,
so you gotta be careful.
All right. What do you wanna do now?
Let's get... Let's go to Korean barbecue.
No. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going home.
What? Come on. I thought
you were in this with me.
- I am. I'm totally in this with you. I am.
- I'm so depressed. I need you. Don't go.
But I just have so many things tomorrow
and they all start so early.
Fair-weather friend.
- Fair-weather friend?
- Yeah.
The minute I heard, I called you.
Wait, what?
I said the minute I heard about you
and Audrey, I got in touch.
- I ain't no fair-weather friend.
- Wait, that's why you got in touch?
Yeah, well, and I mean, I got in touch
to apologize to you, which I did.
It was a pity call? You knew?
You knew we were divorced?
What's wrong with that, if it was?
I... You're my friend, I heard the news,
I got in touch,
and I was worried about you.
Okay.
Let's get into it, huh? Shall we?
We were friends
and then you threw that friendship away
because you didn't like
the woman that I was gonna marry.
And then you heard
we were getting divorced,
and you come back around
to do a fucking victory lap.
My position remains unchanged.
She was terrible for you.
And look what happened.
I just... I was in love,
and I just wanted you to support me.
That's all I wanted.
I was just being honest
because I love you.
And you didn't wanna hear it,
so you ditched me.
I didn't... I ditched you 'cause it's hard
to be friends with someone
who you know hates your wife.
Isn't honesty what you want
from your closest friends?
- No! Not when it's bad.
- Andy didn't love Audrey,
but you didn't hold that against him,
did you? What's that about?
It's different with men
than it is with women.
- Men, they're... they're... He's a l...
- Fuck off.
- They're more mellow about this shit.
- That's bullshit. That's s...
That's ridiculous. And it's fucking
bullshit, and it's insulting.
Sometimes the truth is insulting.
Men are more mellow.
- That doesn't make sense.
- Don't know what to say.
Yeah, men are really mellow.
You know who starts wars? Men.
You think George W. Bush was really
fucking mellow when he invaded Iraq?
Ever heard of Mary Queen of Scots?
Please tell me one thing about
Mary Queen of Scots.
Bloody Mary. That's what they call her.
And you don't get that name
by being mellow.
Margaret Thatcher,
she was a fucking asshole.
That Cara Delevingne,
she seems like a fucking mess.
- Okay?
- Okay, see you later.
- See you later. Have a good one.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Keep it real.
- Okay.
And by the way, that shit,
that's from 20 years ago.
So is this.
That's a good one.
- Bye. Fuck you.
- Yeah, fuck you.
Hello, sir. Thank you so much.
What do I even do now?
- Hi.
- Hi, baby.
How was it?
It was just the same old shit
with a bunch of drama.
You smell like french fries.
Yeah, we went to Denny's.
I missed you.
Missed you too.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, yeah.
Let's take our time tonight.
What was that?
Sorry. Sorry,
it was just an arm spasm. I'm sorry.
Jesus, you really got me there, champ.
Sorry, I just...
You good?
No, I think the moment kinda passed.
- Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Sorry. Okay.
- It's okay.
- I got one in the post.
- It's okay.
Night.
Back punch did not work, asshole.
- You actually tried that?
- Of course I did.
I made that up.
- You're a liar.
- I am.
You're gonna pay for this.
You're gonna pay for this so hard.
Well, bring it on.
So, what are you doing now?
I'm bidding on Garbage Pail Kids on eBay.
Did you get anything good?
I got an Adam Head in mint condition.
I'm kidding. I don't care.
What are you doing? Online shopping
for a fifth pair of high-waisted jeans?
Fuck off. And yes. How did you know?
Should we hang out again?
Sure, how about, like,
five years from now?
Cool. But Tuesdays are bad
'cause your mom comes over.
Thank you for capitalizing her name.
Very respectful.
She's a working dominatrix,
so she demands respect.
Nice try. My mom only goes
to duck ponds and church.
That actually sounds nice.
It is nice.