Phoenix Nights (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
The Phoenix has arranged a "Stars in Their Eyes" night to impress the brewery, but Den Perry has cancelled all the acts. Meanwhile Max & Paddy are fearing real villains will take revenge for their fake "hit".
(♪ Mr Sandman sung in Chinese)
(Mary) Sorry, love, we're fully booked,
we've got nothing Thursday,
Friday or Saturday...
Not Sunday, no.
Sunday's a day of rest, love.
- (Muttering)
- Brian! Hey!
Look at this. We're raking it in.
Just had the brewery on the phone.
- What did they want?
- To congratulate us on our success.
- Did they now?
- Said they wouldn't mind coming in.
Didn't I say they'd come crawling back?
About time, too.
- You said we didn't need them.
- That were then.
Now we're a success.
With the brewery's money,
we could open a chain!
Two words - investment.
We'll get 'em down.
Give 'em a night they'll never forget.
Wheel out the big guns.
- What have you got in mind?
- A big birthday bash.
- Whose birthday is it?
- Ours, if we get that brewery money.
(Man) Oi!
Have you seen this? "Punters today
want more and that's what we give them.
"The future's bright,
the future's Phoenix." Future's Phoenix!
Prick. He's ruining us all
with this Chinese restaurant crap.
Nobody in last night,
empty again tonight.
Have you seen this?
I just caught that tiger of Potters.
He put it up outside.
He said the brewery's coming down.
Well, they'll be the only ones there
when I've finished.
Dougie Hayes, please.
Hello, Dougie. It's Jerry St Clair
here from t'Phoenix club.
Listen, the Stars In Their Eyes night
on the 21st,
I'm gonna have to pull it,
we've hardly sold a ticket.
Yeah, Den Perry's got a big night
on down t'Banana Grove and we can't...
Yeah, he is a fat bastard.
I understand that
but we'll pay for any inconvenience.
Oh, yeah. And you.
Thanks, old son. Ciao.
Hey!
Ooh! Looks like I'm gonna need
some more cigars, boys.
(Brian) Who are the brewery sending?
(Jerry) Mike Brennan.
We'll give him five-star treatment,
pull out all the stops.
- Whoa! what's that?!
- It's your disabled parking space.
- I know that! What's that in his hand?
- It's your vase. It's you.
Get it off, now. Do you hear me?
I'll roll over your fingers.
Oi, Petrocelli, are you
shifting that thing or what?
Full house tonight.
You're taking up three parking spaces!
I'm moving it.
You've been saying that for three weeks.
- I'll charge you council tax.
- Miserable bastard.
Move. Move! Do you hear me?
I got you an egg custard.
- What's wrong with you?
- He's back.
- Who's back?
- The husband.
The one we give the money to
to disappear.
What husband?
The one we were supposed to shoot
but didn't - he's back.
Back? He's supposed to be abroad.
He's just gone in the bookies.
Oh, shit. Are you all right, boys?
Come here! What are you doing back?
What did we tell you?
- Look at this.
- Evening, ladies.
Nice legs, what time do they open?
- Piss off.
- Oh, yes, I'm on there.
Jesus, man, snap out of it.
What's up with you?
- I've things on me mind.
- He's gone.
We put the frighteners on him.
He won't come back.
- Forget it.
- (Car door slams)
- Oi!
- Oh, shit, it's his wife.
Leave this to me, don't say a word.
Well, if it isn't The Hitman And Her.
- All right, Fanny.
- I'll give you Fanny.
- He's alive. Back from the bloody dead.
- Who?
You bloody well know who. My husband.
Well...he were dead when we left him.
Was he now? was he now?
He's just kicked my door down
- and asked what's for his tea.
- I can explain.
I don't want anything explained,
I want my £8,000 back.
£8,000?!
- You gave me a grand.
- Well, he's ripped us both off.
- Where's it gone?
- I'll tell you where it's gone.
- Luxurious motor home.
- You better get it sold, quick,
cos I want it back!
Hang on! A deal's a deal, love.
- Eight grand?
- No, you hang on.
Listen to me, I came to you for help,
you lied to me but took me money.
I've been to see some
real villains tonight,
not ten-a-penny jokers like you two,
and guess what?
This time I'm gonna get
the job done much cheaper.
Killing him's not the answer, love.
Who said anything about killing him?
Hey? Oi!
Eight grand?
- And is this the wife?
- No.
Oh, I see. I see. Cat's away and all that.
- This is my fiancée, Dawn.
- Is it? Dawn! Pleased to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah. I'm Brian Potter.
Yeah, yeah. Do you like
what we've done with the place?
Yeah, it's really nice.
Mike told me about the fire.
Yeah. Talk about a kick in the balls.
Oh, you wouldn't know...
Well, you wouldn't, would you? I hope.
Yeah. They laughed at me
when I said I wanted to rebuild it
but they've always
laughed at life's pioneers.
Walter Raleigh? I bet they pissed their
sides when he brought tobacco over
and look at him now, he's made
a fortune on fags and...bikes.
Eight...grand.
- I were gonna give you some more.
- Yeah? When?
When I'd got...sorted.
In time I was gonna
give you some, I just...
Eight grand.
What's that like?
20? It's bootylicious, love.
- Leeches?
- Lychees. It's a pudding.
- I know what it is, mouth.
- OK.
You don't think
she's got somebody to kill us?
Why not? She hired us
to kill somebody, didn't she?
Eight grand, though.
So, Stars In Their Eyes.
Who've you got lined up?
Oh, you're in for a treat tonight!
These kids, they look
and sound like the real thing.
I were sat in the office this afternoon
and I heard 'em practising
and I shouted, "Turn that radio down!"
- You can't tell the difference.
- Brian.
This is Jerry St Clair,
licensee, and my left foot.
- This is Mike Brennan.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Can I have a word?
- I'm just schmoozing now.
- Oh! Hang on!
- Sorry, but he's just needed,
with show business
and, you know, that sort of stuff.
Fancy going to this?
Bloody hell, Jerry,
I'm in there with the brewery.
Drag me... What's happened?
What's happened?
Listen, the acts for tonight,
they're not coming.
- What?
- They're not coming.
- What do you mean?
- You know how they were coming?
- Well, now they're not.
- Don't get sarcastic.
- Have you phoned Dougie?
- Yeah.
He said I called and cancelled the show.
- What did you do that for?!
- Well, I didn't, did I?
Somebody must have phoned up
pretending to be me.
- Who'd do that?
- I'll tell you who'd do that,
Den Perry, that's who'd do that.
What are we gonna do now?
Good evening. I'm Jerry St Clair,
your host and compere and licensee,
welcoming you to Stars In Your Eyes!
- All right?
- Everything all right, Brian?
- Yeah, why?
- You're late starting.
You know the drill, the longer you wait,
the more they sup.
(Jerry) ..the show on the road
with our first act.
Tonight, singing live, it's...
Lulu!
(Mouthing)
♪ We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ell
♪ You know you make we want to shout
♪ Look, my hand's jumpin',
look, my heart's pumpin'
♪ Throw your head back,
come on, now, yeah
♪ Don't forget to say you will ♪
Lovely!
♪ Don't forget to shout, yeah, yeah
♪ Do you remember
when I used to be nine years old?
♪ Do you remember, love... ♪
- I don't know who I can be.
- Just keep looking.
- What do you think of this?
- Who are you?
I don't know, I was hoping you would.
♪ You know you
make me want to shout, whoo!
♪ Shout, whoo!
♪ Shout, whoo! Shout, whoo!
♪ Shout, shout, shout,
shout, shout, shout
♪ Come on, shout, shout,
shout, shout, shout, shout
♪ Shout
♪ You know I feel a-a-a-a-a-ll
♪ Right ♪
(Rapturous applause)
Eh?! Hey, now we're talking.
Did you phone her? What's she say?
- Answer machine.
- Did you leave a message?
Did I, balls. Saying what?
Please don't kill us?
I've been thinking,
maybe we can reason with 'em,
- whoever's gonna do it.
- I doubt it.
Once they've got a target,
they won't deviate.
This type of beast only speaks
one language - violence.
Tonight, singing live, it's...
it's Adam And The Ants.
♪ Yee ha
♪ Hey ha
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever
♪ Stop being dandy
showing me you're handsome... ♪
(Chuckling) Now you're talking!
♪ Prince Charming, Prince Charming
♪ Ridicule is nothing to be scared of
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever... ♪
- Here you are.
- What's that?
- It's a baking tray.
- Is it bulletproof?
Nonstick.
♪ I'm Slim Shady
I'm the real Slim Shady
♪ All you other Slim Shadys
are just imitating
♪ So won't the real Slim please stand up?
♪ Please stand up, please stand up
♪ I'm Slim Shady, the real Slim Shady
♪ All you other Slim Shadys
are just imitating
♪ So won't the real Slim Shady
please stand up? Please stand up
♪ Please stand up, I said,
I'm Slim Shady... ♪
(Aerosol can rattling)
♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on
♪ Come on, come on, come on
♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on
♪ Come on, come on, come on
♪ Do you wanna be in
my gang, my gang, my gang?
♪ Do you wanna be in my gang? ♪
(Silence)
♪ Leader, I'm the leader
♪ I'm the man who put the gang in bang
♪ You better believe it!
Come on, come on
♪ You gotta believe it!
Come on, come on
♪ You better... ♪
Hey!
- You pillock.
- Here.
- What's that?
- Cup of tea.
- Who made it?
- Me.
- Did you leave the room?
- I went for a piss.
Whoa! What you doing?
It could've been poisoned, man.
Tonight, singing live, it's...
It's Meatloaf!
I'm telling you, you've got to have
eyes in the back of your head.
♪ Sirens are screaming
♪ And the fires are howling
way down in the valley tonight
♪ Man in the shadows
with a gun in his eye
♪ And a blade shining oh so bright
♪ (Mumbling) ..thunder in the sky
♪ And a killer on the bloodshot streets
♪ Down in the tunnel
where the deadly are rising
♪ I swear I saw a young boy
down in the gutter
♪ He was starting to foam in the heat... ♪
What about Finchy?
They give him a Burnley wallet.
Strapped him to a Jag
and drove him round the estate.
His belt buckle got caught in a grid.
They only found his top half.
His coffin were yay big.
Oh, shut up, Patrick.
Whatever they do, I hope it's quick.
♪ Like a bat out of hell
♪ I'll be gone when the morning comes
♪ Like a bat out of hell
♪ I'll be gone when the morning
comes, comes... ♪
What about Tommy Dick Fingers?
They found him a wheelie bin,
two snooker balls for eyes.
Leave it. Leave it.
♪ ..said I'm losing everything
♪ It's like the sun going down on me ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John.
♪ I can't find
♪ All the right romantic lines
♪ Those romantic lines
♪ But see me once
♪ Once
♪ See the way I feel
- ♪ You see the way... ♪
- All right, shut your mouth.
Oh, it's not fair, Paddy.
(Sobbing) If only I'd have met
the right woman.
If only you'd have met a woman.
You know, I always wanted children.
Little Maxes and Maxines...
running around.
Don't worry. Don't worry, it's all right.
It's all right, your daddy's here.
- Calm down, man.
- Come here.
Calm down! You're losing it.
Max!
Max, they're here.
Oh!
This is it, Patrick, this is it.
Oh, give me a hug, you big soft...
Shithouse.
I'm looking forward to this.
Let's go and see Brian Potter
talking to himself.
♪ Oh, baby, baby
♪ How was I supposed to know
♪ Something wasn't right?
♪ Show me how you want me to be... ♪
Hey, that wasn't in the hamper.
♪ ..I need to know because... ♪
Hey, lads, what do you call
a show with no acts?
♪ I must confess, I still believe
♪ Still believe
♪ When I'm not with you I lose my mind
♪ Give me a sign
♪ Hit me, baby, one more time... ♪
Enjoy it while you can.
Perry! What do you want?
I've some unfinished business,
Brian - you.
Jerry! Jerry!
Save your breath, they can't hear you.
- They're all watching the show.
- Yeah!
We're lucky we've got a show
after the stunt you pulled.
Very original but not in the same league
as burning us down.
Brian, Brian, Brian,
what am I gonna do with you?
Nothing. You're too late, we're back.
The Phoenix has risen.
They're queuing
round the block to get in.
We're packed to the rafters,
not like your club.
I hear it's down the shit pan.
All you deserve, you fat pig.
Whoa! Get back, get back!
I'll head-butt you in the groin. Go on.
You're forgetting something, Brian,
we've been here before, remember?
Last year, Talent Trek,
everything hunky-dory
and then...
Be awful if that happened again.
No. No, you're making
a big mistake, Denzel.
The only mistake I made...
was setting fire to this place
while you weren't inside.
Eh?
Come on, boys. I wouldn't
bother with a coat tonight,
I think it'll be warm enough.
(Laughing)
What? What?
(Brian on PA) 'Did you get all that, Jerry?'
Every word.
'Ey, come on.
All right, Perry, have you got
a radio mic at your club?
I'll tell you something,
they pick up everything.
They cost a few bob but I think
this one's just paid for itself.
Hey, Mike...
you don't think we would do...
Hey! We're old mates. Me and Potter.
Having a laugh, eh?! Having a laugh?
I don't think so.
I knew. I knew.
- You daft bastard.
- What are you doing?
Having a pissing heart attack.
I'm lying low. I'm going
until the heat's off me.
- Hang on, I'm coming with you.
- What?
Eight grand, remember?
Half of this belongs to me.
Go on.
(Cheering)
- We fooled the brewery, then?
- Did we balls!
They knew it were us
straightaway but they loved it.
Mike Brennan, he wanted
Britney's phone number.
Does he want to book me?
Well, it sounded like book.
Close your legs, you slut.
Did he say how much they'd give us?
He didn't specify, Jerry, no.
He said he was coming tomorrow
to discuss a deal.
- At least Den Perry won't get anything.
- To that.
Did you see? He were crying when
they put him that police van.
Good. I'm glad.
Hey! You can get your licence back now.
You're in the clear.
Bloody hell, I am, aren't I?
I'm in the clear.
See, God loves you, Brian.
No, I don't think I want me licence back.
I think Jerry's done us proud.
We should leave things as they are.
A toast. To Jerry St Clair,
Phoenix licensee.
(All) A toast to Jerry St Clair,
Phoenix licensee.
Thanks, I'd just like to say...
Sit down, Jerry.
Here goes.
- (Engine starts)
- Oh!
(Max on alarm) 'Get back, you bastard.
I'll break your legs.'
- Old faithful.
- Oh, aye.
Come on, lads, come and have a drink.
Oi, Mandy Dingle, tell Potter we're off.
- Off where?
- Who knows?
We don't know
but we'll know when we get there.
- How will you know?
- We just will. All right?
Yeah, but how will you know
if you don't where you're going?
- Just drive over him.
- I'm gonna.
Move, Penguin, I'll flatten you.
All right. OK.
(Horn peeps)
Evening, ladies.
Nice legs. What time do they open?
(Speaking Chinese)
(Mary) Sorry, love, we're fully booked,
we've got nothing Thursday,
Friday or Saturday...
Not Sunday, no.
Sunday's a day of rest, love.
- (Muttering)
- Brian! Hey!
Look at this. We're raking it in.
Just had the brewery on the phone.
- What did they want?
- To congratulate us on our success.
- Did they now?
- Said they wouldn't mind coming in.
Didn't I say they'd come crawling back?
About time, too.
- You said we didn't need them.
- That were then.
Now we're a success.
With the brewery's money,
we could open a chain!
Two words - investment.
We'll get 'em down.
Give 'em a night they'll never forget.
Wheel out the big guns.
- What have you got in mind?
- A big birthday bash.
- Whose birthday is it?
- Ours, if we get that brewery money.
(Man) Oi!
Have you seen this? "Punters today
want more and that's what we give them.
"The future's bright,
the future's Phoenix." Future's Phoenix!
Prick. He's ruining us all
with this Chinese restaurant crap.
Nobody in last night,
empty again tonight.
Have you seen this?
I just caught that tiger of Potters.
He put it up outside.
He said the brewery's coming down.
Well, they'll be the only ones there
when I've finished.
Dougie Hayes, please.
Hello, Dougie. It's Jerry St Clair
here from t'Phoenix club.
Listen, the Stars In Their Eyes night
on the 21st,
I'm gonna have to pull it,
we've hardly sold a ticket.
Yeah, Den Perry's got a big night
on down t'Banana Grove and we can't...
Yeah, he is a fat bastard.
I understand that
but we'll pay for any inconvenience.
Oh, yeah. And you.
Thanks, old son. Ciao.
Hey!
Ooh! Looks like I'm gonna need
some more cigars, boys.
(Brian) Who are the brewery sending?
(Jerry) Mike Brennan.
We'll give him five-star treatment,
pull out all the stops.
- Whoa! what's that?!
- It's your disabled parking space.
- I know that! What's that in his hand?
- It's your vase. It's you.
Get it off, now. Do you hear me?
I'll roll over your fingers.
Oi, Petrocelli, are you
shifting that thing or what?
Full house tonight.
You're taking up three parking spaces!
I'm moving it.
You've been saying that for three weeks.
- I'll charge you council tax.
- Miserable bastard.
Move. Move! Do you hear me?
I got you an egg custard.
- What's wrong with you?
- He's back.
- Who's back?
- The husband.
The one we give the money to
to disappear.
What husband?
The one we were supposed to shoot
but didn't - he's back.
Back? He's supposed to be abroad.
He's just gone in the bookies.
Oh, shit. Are you all right, boys?
Come here! What are you doing back?
What did we tell you?
- Look at this.
- Evening, ladies.
Nice legs, what time do they open?
- Piss off.
- Oh, yes, I'm on there.
Jesus, man, snap out of it.
What's up with you?
- I've things on me mind.
- He's gone.
We put the frighteners on him.
He won't come back.
- Forget it.
- (Car door slams)
- Oi!
- Oh, shit, it's his wife.
Leave this to me, don't say a word.
Well, if it isn't The Hitman And Her.
- All right, Fanny.
- I'll give you Fanny.
- He's alive. Back from the bloody dead.
- Who?
You bloody well know who. My husband.
Well...he were dead when we left him.
Was he now? was he now?
He's just kicked my door down
- and asked what's for his tea.
- I can explain.
I don't want anything explained,
I want my £8,000 back.
£8,000?!
- You gave me a grand.
- Well, he's ripped us both off.
- Where's it gone?
- I'll tell you where it's gone.
- Luxurious motor home.
- You better get it sold, quick,
cos I want it back!
Hang on! A deal's a deal, love.
- Eight grand?
- No, you hang on.
Listen to me, I came to you for help,
you lied to me but took me money.
I've been to see some
real villains tonight,
not ten-a-penny jokers like you two,
and guess what?
This time I'm gonna get
the job done much cheaper.
Killing him's not the answer, love.
Who said anything about killing him?
Hey? Oi!
Eight grand?
- And is this the wife?
- No.
Oh, I see. I see. Cat's away and all that.
- This is my fiancée, Dawn.
- Is it? Dawn! Pleased to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah. I'm Brian Potter.
Yeah, yeah. Do you like
what we've done with the place?
Yeah, it's really nice.
Mike told me about the fire.
Yeah. Talk about a kick in the balls.
Oh, you wouldn't know...
Well, you wouldn't, would you? I hope.
Yeah. They laughed at me
when I said I wanted to rebuild it
but they've always
laughed at life's pioneers.
Walter Raleigh? I bet they pissed their
sides when he brought tobacco over
and look at him now, he's made
a fortune on fags and...bikes.
Eight...grand.
- I were gonna give you some more.
- Yeah? When?
When I'd got...sorted.
In time I was gonna
give you some, I just...
Eight grand.
What's that like?
20? It's bootylicious, love.
- Leeches?
- Lychees. It's a pudding.
- I know what it is, mouth.
- OK.
You don't think
she's got somebody to kill us?
Why not? She hired us
to kill somebody, didn't she?
Eight grand, though.
So, Stars In Their Eyes.
Who've you got lined up?
Oh, you're in for a treat tonight!
These kids, they look
and sound like the real thing.
I were sat in the office this afternoon
and I heard 'em practising
and I shouted, "Turn that radio down!"
- You can't tell the difference.
- Brian.
This is Jerry St Clair,
licensee, and my left foot.
- This is Mike Brennan.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Can I have a word?
- I'm just schmoozing now.
- Oh! Hang on!
- Sorry, but he's just needed,
with show business
and, you know, that sort of stuff.
Fancy going to this?
Bloody hell, Jerry,
I'm in there with the brewery.
Drag me... What's happened?
What's happened?
Listen, the acts for tonight,
they're not coming.
- What?
- They're not coming.
- What do you mean?
- You know how they were coming?
- Well, now they're not.
- Don't get sarcastic.
- Have you phoned Dougie?
- Yeah.
He said I called and cancelled the show.
- What did you do that for?!
- Well, I didn't, did I?
Somebody must have phoned up
pretending to be me.
- Who'd do that?
- I'll tell you who'd do that,
Den Perry, that's who'd do that.
What are we gonna do now?
Good evening. I'm Jerry St Clair,
your host and compere and licensee,
welcoming you to Stars In Your Eyes!
- All right?
- Everything all right, Brian?
- Yeah, why?
- You're late starting.
You know the drill, the longer you wait,
the more they sup.
(Jerry) ..the show on the road
with our first act.
Tonight, singing live, it's...
Lulu!
(Mouthing)
♪ We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ell
♪ You know you make we want to shout
♪ Look, my hand's jumpin',
look, my heart's pumpin'
♪ Throw your head back,
come on, now, yeah
♪ Don't forget to say you will ♪
Lovely!
♪ Don't forget to shout, yeah, yeah
♪ Do you remember
when I used to be nine years old?
♪ Do you remember, love... ♪
- I don't know who I can be.
- Just keep looking.
- What do you think of this?
- Who are you?
I don't know, I was hoping you would.
♪ You know you
make me want to shout, whoo!
♪ Shout, whoo!
♪ Shout, whoo! Shout, whoo!
♪ Shout, shout, shout,
shout, shout, shout
♪ Come on, shout, shout,
shout, shout, shout, shout
♪ Shout
♪ You know I feel a-a-a-a-a-ll
♪ Right ♪
(Rapturous applause)
Eh?! Hey, now we're talking.
Did you phone her? What's she say?
- Answer machine.
- Did you leave a message?
Did I, balls. Saying what?
Please don't kill us?
I've been thinking,
maybe we can reason with 'em,
- whoever's gonna do it.
- I doubt it.
Once they've got a target,
they won't deviate.
This type of beast only speaks
one language - violence.
Tonight, singing live, it's...
it's Adam And The Ants.
♪ Yee ha
♪ Hey ha
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever
♪ Stop being dandy
showing me you're handsome... ♪
(Chuckling) Now you're talking!
♪ Prince Charming, Prince Charming
♪ Ridicule is nothing to be scared of
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever... ♪
- Here you are.
- What's that?
- It's a baking tray.
- Is it bulletproof?
Nonstick.
♪ I'm Slim Shady
I'm the real Slim Shady
♪ All you other Slim Shadys
are just imitating
♪ So won't the real Slim please stand up?
♪ Please stand up, please stand up
♪ I'm Slim Shady, the real Slim Shady
♪ All you other Slim Shadys
are just imitating
♪ So won't the real Slim Shady
please stand up? Please stand up
♪ Please stand up, I said,
I'm Slim Shady... ♪
(Aerosol can rattling)
♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on
♪ Come on, come on, come on
♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on
♪ Come on, come on, come on
♪ Do you wanna be in
my gang, my gang, my gang?
♪ Do you wanna be in my gang? ♪
(Silence)
♪ Leader, I'm the leader
♪ I'm the man who put the gang in bang
♪ You better believe it!
Come on, come on
♪ You gotta believe it!
Come on, come on
♪ You better... ♪
Hey!
- You pillock.
- Here.
- What's that?
- Cup of tea.
- Who made it?
- Me.
- Did you leave the room?
- I went for a piss.
Whoa! What you doing?
It could've been poisoned, man.
Tonight, singing live, it's...
It's Meatloaf!
I'm telling you, you've got to have
eyes in the back of your head.
♪ Sirens are screaming
♪ And the fires are howling
way down in the valley tonight
♪ Man in the shadows
with a gun in his eye
♪ And a blade shining oh so bright
♪ (Mumbling) ..thunder in the sky
♪ And a killer on the bloodshot streets
♪ Down in the tunnel
where the deadly are rising
♪ I swear I saw a young boy
down in the gutter
♪ He was starting to foam in the heat... ♪
What about Finchy?
They give him a Burnley wallet.
Strapped him to a Jag
and drove him round the estate.
His belt buckle got caught in a grid.
They only found his top half.
His coffin were yay big.
Oh, shut up, Patrick.
Whatever they do, I hope it's quick.
♪ Like a bat out of hell
♪ I'll be gone when the morning comes
♪ Like a bat out of hell
♪ I'll be gone when the morning
comes, comes... ♪
What about Tommy Dick Fingers?
They found him a wheelie bin,
two snooker balls for eyes.
Leave it. Leave it.
♪ ..said I'm losing everything
♪ It's like the sun going down on me ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John.
♪ I can't find
♪ All the right romantic lines
♪ Those romantic lines
♪ But see me once
♪ Once
♪ See the way I feel
- ♪ You see the way... ♪
- All right, shut your mouth.
Oh, it's not fair, Paddy.
(Sobbing) If only I'd have met
the right woman.
If only you'd have met a woman.
You know, I always wanted children.
Little Maxes and Maxines...
running around.
Don't worry. Don't worry, it's all right.
It's all right, your daddy's here.
- Calm down, man.
- Come here.
Calm down! You're losing it.
Max!
Max, they're here.
Oh!
This is it, Patrick, this is it.
Oh, give me a hug, you big soft...
Shithouse.
I'm looking forward to this.
Let's go and see Brian Potter
talking to himself.
♪ Oh, baby, baby
♪ How was I supposed to know
♪ Something wasn't right?
♪ Show me how you want me to be... ♪
Hey, that wasn't in the hamper.
♪ ..I need to know because... ♪
Hey, lads, what do you call
a show with no acts?
♪ I must confess, I still believe
♪ Still believe
♪ When I'm not with you I lose my mind
♪ Give me a sign
♪ Hit me, baby, one more time... ♪
Enjoy it while you can.
Perry! What do you want?
I've some unfinished business,
Brian - you.
Jerry! Jerry!
Save your breath, they can't hear you.
- They're all watching the show.
- Yeah!
We're lucky we've got a show
after the stunt you pulled.
Very original but not in the same league
as burning us down.
Brian, Brian, Brian,
what am I gonna do with you?
Nothing. You're too late, we're back.
The Phoenix has risen.
They're queuing
round the block to get in.
We're packed to the rafters,
not like your club.
I hear it's down the shit pan.
All you deserve, you fat pig.
Whoa! Get back, get back!
I'll head-butt you in the groin. Go on.
You're forgetting something, Brian,
we've been here before, remember?
Last year, Talent Trek,
everything hunky-dory
and then...
Be awful if that happened again.
No. No, you're making
a big mistake, Denzel.
The only mistake I made...
was setting fire to this place
while you weren't inside.
Eh?
Come on, boys. I wouldn't
bother with a coat tonight,
I think it'll be warm enough.
(Laughing)
What? What?
(Brian on PA) 'Did you get all that, Jerry?'
Every word.
'Ey, come on.
All right, Perry, have you got
a radio mic at your club?
I'll tell you something,
they pick up everything.
They cost a few bob but I think
this one's just paid for itself.
Hey, Mike...
you don't think we would do...
Hey! We're old mates. Me and Potter.
Having a laugh, eh?! Having a laugh?
I don't think so.
I knew. I knew.
- You daft bastard.
- What are you doing?
Having a pissing heart attack.
I'm lying low. I'm going
until the heat's off me.
- Hang on, I'm coming with you.
- What?
Eight grand, remember?
Half of this belongs to me.
Go on.
(Cheering)
- We fooled the brewery, then?
- Did we balls!
They knew it were us
straightaway but they loved it.
Mike Brennan, he wanted
Britney's phone number.
Does he want to book me?
Well, it sounded like book.
Close your legs, you slut.
Did he say how much they'd give us?
He didn't specify, Jerry, no.
He said he was coming tomorrow
to discuss a deal.
- At least Den Perry won't get anything.
- To that.
Did you see? He were crying when
they put him that police van.
Good. I'm glad.
Hey! You can get your licence back now.
You're in the clear.
Bloody hell, I am, aren't I?
I'm in the clear.
See, God loves you, Brian.
No, I don't think I want me licence back.
I think Jerry's done us proud.
We should leave things as they are.
A toast. To Jerry St Clair,
Phoenix licensee.
(All) A toast to Jerry St Clair,
Phoenix licensee.
Thanks, I'd just like to say...
Sit down, Jerry.
Here goes.
- (Engine starts)
- Oh!
(Max on alarm) 'Get back, you bastard.
I'll break your legs.'
- Old faithful.
- Oh, aye.
Come on, lads, come and have a drink.
Oi, Mandy Dingle, tell Potter we're off.
- Off where?
- Who knows?
We don't know
but we'll know when we get there.
- How will you know?
- We just will. All right?
Yeah, but how will you know
if you don't where you're going?
- Just drive over him.
- I'm gonna.
Move, Penguin, I'll flatten you.
All right. OK.
(Horn peeps)
Evening, ladies.
Nice legs. What time do they open?
(Speaking Chinese)