Phoenix Nights (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

(Phone)

- What?!
- 'Could I speak to Mr Potter?'

Speakin'!

'Mr Potter from the Phoenix Club?'

Yeah, who's this? It's half-three
in the pissing morning!

- 'It's...Mixu Paatelainen.'
- Who?!

'Bolton Coroner's Office.'

I'm afraid your club has burnt down.

What?! Oh... Oh, God, no!

- Oh, no, not again!
- We've found a body, Mr Potter.

'A body? Oh, God, no!'



Jerry - oh, Jerry, the compere!

'He was asked to lock up!
Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!'

(Coughs)

19 years. No goodbyes.

All we need to know, Mr Potter,
did he have false teeth?

Did he what? False teeth?

How the pissin' hell should I know?

- Who is this?
- (Laughing)

Hey? I know who you are!
Who are you?!

Mixu Paatelainen!

(Laughing)

You sick animals!

Laughin' at death!
Half-past three in the mornin'!

Bloody world's gone mad!



(Sighs)

(Phone)

- Who is this?! Hello!
- 'Mr Potter?'

- Who is this?!
- 'Sergeant Patterson.

'It's about a break-in at your club.'

Ohh! Break-in now, is it?

Who's broke in?
Bloody Fire Brigade(?)

- You sick bastards!
- 'l beg your pardon?'

Do you? Well, cop this!

(Farts)

Good night.

Thanks for coming,
Sergeant Patterson.

- I appreciate it.
- Not at all, Mr Potter.

Like I said, I can't understand
anyone stealing beer crates.

Young bulls sniffing crack.

Straight up their noses,
them beer crates.

See ya.

(Ray) Lonely This Christmas.

It's singles night
here at the Phoenix Club

where you could meet
the love of your life!

We're living La Vida tonight!

(Ray) There are people here
to suit all tastes

and the flavoured
condom machine is restocked!

We're gonna move straight along
with the fantastic Eric Carmen.

All By Himself.

I bet you've cried yourself
to sleep many a night with this one!

(Ray) Shabba!

Where are all the women?

I woke up, rolled over.
Guess who's lying next to me?

- Bonnie Langford!
- Look at that lot.

They're like pigs on heat.

Nearly broke her back.

No wonder they're all single,
they're all hangin'.

Who let the dogs out?

- Evenin' boys.
- Jerry.

On your own?

What have you got on? You stink.

Summat you can't afford.

- What? Fabreze?
- Who said that?

Sorry, Paddy, didn't see you with
the light bouncin' off your head.

Who's that with Ray Von?

Dunno.

She's dicin' with death.

Better warn her. They'll drag
her out of the canal Monday.

(Sighs)

You know, song lyrics
make good chat-up lines.

Like, "heaven must
be missing an angel," or

"if I said
you had a beautiful body

"would you hold it against me?"
Stuff like that.

"I don't know who you are

"but you're a real
dead ringer for love."

- Who sang that?
- Meatloaf.

Aye, Meatloaf.

"Everywhere you go...

"you always take
the weather with you."

No.

Hey.

- Ray.
- Hello, Mr Potter.

You've tapped off quick.

This is my girlfriend, Mr Potter.
Tracy.

- Do you fancy a beer?
- No, ta. Beer's not my cup of tea.

I'll have
a drop of Teacher's though.

Tracy, his last one were called
Tracy. Must be a name thing.

- Run while you can.
- What?

Just get out of here.
DJ Death. The Yorkshire Rapper.

You don't know what happened
to Tracy Burns? Papers.

I am Tracy Burns.

You're Tracy...? You're Trace...

You're Tracy Burns! You're Tracy
Burns! You're alive! You're alive!

Here in the flesh,
all grown-up and breathing!

I didn't recognise you
without your Hula Hoop!

Excuse me
while I sack me backing band.

Oh!

Well, if you'd move!

I don't know
if you'd noticed but I'm...

in a rush!

What have you done?
Have I run over your foot?

It's fine.

It's like a shopping trolley,
mind of its own.

Spilt your drink down you.
D'you want another one?

It'll numb the pain.
You've dropped your brolly now.

Marion? Drink! What d'you want, love?

- Just a Coke, thanks.
- A Coke.

- Is that all? A Coke?
- Tia Maria. Double, please.

Jesus. Double.

(Mouths)

It's on me.

Are you with somebody?
Are you on your own?

It's a singles night.

Oh, aye, innit it just?

I should know, I organised it.

Oh, d'you work here?

Sometimes, yes.

I own it, all this.

I'm the manager. Brian.

- Beverley.
- No, Brian.

(Chuckles)

(# Whitesnake: Here I Go Again)

Don't think
I'm gonna get me end away tonight.

- You're addicted to sex.
- I am. It's an illness.

Michael Douglas had it.

You are. And you know, you're
gonna be single for a long time.

- Like you?
- That's through choice.

Yeah, hers!

- Who is that behind t'bar?
- That's Mary. Holy Mary's youngest.

- I didn't know she had kids.
- Yeah, two. Mary and Joseph.

Joe's doing a BTEC in Joinery
down at the college.

- Want a drink?
- Lemonade.

Hey, you, she's too young for you.

Hey, if there's grass on the pitch...

I see Ironside's copped off here.

(All) Hey!

(Max) Go on, Brian!

OK, we're gonna
slow things right down now

as we enter the erection section.

If you've met somebody
get them on the dance floor!

If you haven't, what are you
still here for, you losers?!

(# Engelbert Humperdinck:
The Last Waltz)

# And then I saw you
out the corner of my eye

# A little girl alone and so shy

# I had the last waltz with you

# Two lonely people together... #

I'm horny. Horny, horny, horny.

Piss off.

# ..should last forever... #

Go on, that's it, Patrick!

# ..was goin' strong

# Through the good and bad
we'd get along

# And then the flame of love... #

- All right?
- Kenny, lad. How's it hangin'?

Nearly hangin' off - just had
three of 'em round the back.

# I had the last waltz with you... #

Shouldn't you be
collecting glasses, Mary?

Listen,
what are you doin' after work?

(Brian) Fruit machine pinned me
up against t'servin' hatch.

I were in a coma till new year.

I lost me club, I lost me legs -
I lost me will to live.

Can't go back. Can't go back.

There's...

- Think they want us to leave.
- They do.

Jeez, I've gotta lock up.

- I've really enjoyed tonight.
- Yeah, yeah.

I don't get chance to go out much,
runnin' this place.

We could go out sometime,
if you wanted.

Who, us?

- Yeah.
- Ooh.

- If, I mean...
- Oh, yeah. I'd like that.

- Well, we can do that.
- I'd like that very much.

- Great. Lovely.
- Yeah.

# I can fly

# Eagle #

(Whimpers)

Flower for the lady?

Fuck off.

(Out of tune) # Did you
ever know that you're my hero?

# And everything I would like to be

# I can fly higher than an eagle

# Cos you are
the wind beneath my wheels

# Yes, you are
the wind beneath my wheels #

Thank you very much.
That's for Beverley, there.

Thank you. I've finished.

(Jerry) Brian Potter,
ladies and gentlemen! Your very own!

- Let's hear it one more time!
- Thank you.

(Humming happily)

- Jerry!
- Yeah?

- Who's done this?
- Dunno.

Who's knocked all this off?

Vandals! Wants screwin' in, that.

- Christ, me eyes are burnin'!
- Not my fault.

I've not been the same
since that cowboy punched me.

Are you regular, Brian?

Like a Kennedy funeral.
Set your watch by my arse.

(Jerry grunts)

- Big night tonight.
- Yeah, yeah.

Bucket bingo. Should be good.

- No, me and Beverley!
- Oh?

I'm taking her to chez Potter
for a meal.

Meal? I didn't know you could cook.

Oh... There's a lot
you don't know about me.

A meal for two
and then the world's your lobster.

I'm thinking of giving her
a pearl necklace.

- (Toilet flushes)
- Does she know?

- I'm gonna surprise her.
- You might just do that!

- Jerry?
- Yeah?

W-What d'you do, Jerry?

- Compere.
- No! What d'you do?

- What d'you mean?
- You know, women.

Tactics, manoeuvres.

Well, you and Jean
must at some point, I mean...

Me and Jean? No, never.

What, never?

Well, once or twice
but I'm not a machine.

But Beverley's a modern woman,
I can tell.

I'll tell you this - don't rush.

I had a girl once I rushed -
big mistake.

(Hand drier whirring)

(Drowned out by hand drier)

(Drier stops)

..covered in piss.

(Beverley) Thanks again
for this present.

It must've cost a fortune.

They were me mother's, them.
But they're no use to me.

And she would've wanted you
to have them.

You must miss her.

She's not dead.
She lives up the lane. Toblerone?

Er, no, thanks.
If I eat anything else I'll burst.

Lovely meal, that.
It's a cracker, that burger bar.

They do the lot - kebabs, burgers.

Blue Nun? Drop of Blue Nun?

- Top up? Go on.
- Yeah, go on, then.

- You only live once.
- I've gotta go soon cos...

I've got an early start tomorrow.

- Have you?
- Yeah.

You can't go
without seeing me jukebox.

Look at that - Motown special.

- Cracker, isn't it?
- Great.

I got that from the States.
America. Mm.

Only a few in the world.
D'you like Motown?

- Lovely.
- Can't whack it.

Got any change? Five for a pound.

Yeah, I think I have. Hang on.

(# Marvin Gaye: Let's get It On)

- # I've been really tryin' #
- Baby! Oh, yes.

26B, a bit of Marvin.
He knew the score.

# So long... #

- D'you ever get lonely?
- No. Not with Marvin, anyway.

# Like I feel, baby

# Come on... Oh, come on

# Ooh!
# Let's get it on #

- Have you ever been to America?
- No.

Me and Jerry went
when the Neptune burnt down.

Oh, yeah.
Had a marvellous two weeks.

Jerry got the shits. Lovely time.

I've got a video of it,
on the floor down there.

Just whack it in - I've set it.
On top of there, yeah.

Jerry did it with his camcorder.
On top of Flashdance. It's set.

(Brian) # ..sensitive people

# So-oo much to give

# I love you, sugar... #

This is it, look. There you go.

Last night this,
they had a big firework display.

Have you always lived on your own?

# There's nothin' wrong! #

No, I were with Jean for many years.

Worse luck. Ha.

Here we are, look at these rockets.

Stand well back!
Blow your head off, them.

Marvellous what they can do.

(Fireworks exploding on TV)

# Now, don't you know

# How sweet and wonderful
life can be?

# I'm askin' you, baby

# To get it on with me... #

(Fireworks continue)

# I ain't gonna worry

# I ain't gonna push

# I won't push you baby #

- (Woman moaning on TV)
- (Brian) Oh!

(Man) 'Splash your cream
in her headlights!'

Where's the remote?
It's Jerry's tape, this!

It's Jerry's! Knock it off!

Oh, it's wonderful.

Feels great.

Ooh, it's been years
since I felt like this.

I told you you'd like it
if you gave it a try.

Is it orthopaedic?

Is it orthopaedic, love?

It is.
And can you take your feet off?

- So...water bed, eh?
- That's right.

You're splashin' out.
Splashin' out - get it?

Do you begrudge me
a bit of happiness?

No, it's just...
Well, it was only a kiss.

Oh, it was more than a kiss.
It was a connection.

Don't get carried away.

It's too late, she's started
a fire in Potter's heart.

See, I always thought that love
was only true in fairy tales,

there for someone else
but not for me.

It's been 12 years. He thinks
he's in for life, you know.

- Who?
- Him?

He's up for parole soon.

If he gets out I want him
comin' home in style.

(Slurps)

Listen, Beverley, um...

- I'm not very good with words, I...
- Shh.

Won't be long now.

Just you wait.

Things I'm gonna do to you.

(Water sloshing)

Climb on. (Chuckles)

- Yeah. Feel it?
- Yeah.

- It's water, that.
- Feels weird.

I've never been on
a water bed before

I think I've found me sea legs.
Ooh, steady.

Before we crack on,
there's something I wanna ask you.

Now, oh, actually,
I wanted to talk to you.

Say "cheese."

Listen, there's something
I really want to...

Be a good 'un, that.

I need to talk to you
about something and it's not easy.

- Be a good 'un, that.
- Listen.

- Me and you.
- Brian, please.

What?

I'm not the person
that you think I am.

- You're not a bloke, are you?
- No.

- You didn't used to be?
- No.

- Like Hayley.
- I've never been a bloke.

Thank God for that.

You...you never ran over my foot
that night in the club.

What?!

I work for the DSS, Brian.

They sent me to investigate you
for fraudulent disability claims.

- What?!
- just hear me out, will you?

I know what you're thinking,
right, but it's not like that,

I never expected any of this.

I never expected
any of this to happen - never.

I've never felt
like this about anybody.

That's why I wanted to tell you,
you know, the truth,

cos I can't keep
lying to you any more.

From the be...? All this time?

Turn away.

Turn away!

Look over there,
I don't wanna look at you!

- Turn away!
- Brian...

Brian, it's my job, you know?
I... I've got no choice.

You know where the front door is.

You'll understand
if I don't see you out.

(# Jimmy Ruffin:
What Becomes Of The Broken-Hearted)

# As I walk this land
of broken dreams

# I have visions of many things

- # But happiness... #
- (Jerry) Brian?

Right.

# Filled with sadness and confusion

# What becomes
of the broken-hearted... #

So you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.
Why wouldn't I be all right?

This ole' heart of mine's
been broke a thousand times, Jerry.

I thought that phone
were out of order?!

Knackered.

Hello?

Still, must've been a shock.
Must be painful.

Like watching you compere, Jerry.

- She's phoned again.
- Mm?

- Twice now.
- She'll stop.

There you go.

(Brian) Never even christened it.

Still, fraudulent claims!

Whoa! Whoa!
Shout it around the world!

I can't believe it, that's all.

Yes! It's gone, all right?
Forget about it.

Bigger fish to fry.

No woman, no cry.

Hmm. Worry about this place now.

Put me energies into here.

Get this year's Talent Trek,
we're back in the fast lane.

- That's what's important.
- Oh, no!

I've found your missing beer crates.

- But they've nicked your organ.
- Bastards.

(Rising voices) # Whoa...

# Nelly the elephant packed her trunk
and said goodbye to the circus

# Off she went with a trumpety-trump
trump trump trump

# Nelly the elephant packed her trunk
and trundled off to the jungle

# Off she went with a trumpety-trump
trump trump trump

# The head of the herd
was calling far far away

# They met one night
in the silver light

# On the road to Mandalay #

(All) Next!