Phoenix Nights (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

(# Perfect Ten)

# She's a perfect ten

# But she wears a twelve

# Baby keep a little two for me

# Cos we love our love

# In different sizes

# I love her body,
especially the lies

# Time takes its toll

# But not on the eyes

# Promise me this

# Take me tonight #



- (Scattered applause)
- Thank you.

Perfect Ten -
and we're ten perfect minutes

from tonight's Open The Box!

Where the jackpot stands
at a big £33.

So I'll leave you
in the very capable hands

of your brand-new resident DJ,
Mr Ray Von!

(Ray) Yeah! That's right!

My name is Ray Von
so let's r-r-rave on!

(# Heavy industrial)

Excuse me! Hey!

Could you lower it, son?

- What?
- Bangin'.

Cheers! Come on
and reach for the lasers!

Have you not got a nice foxtrot?
Bit of Kenny G?



Oh, what's this?

Smoke machine - it's jammed!

(Brian) Knock that off! What's that?!

(Brian) Too much!

(Dog barking)

(Coughing)

- (# Heavy industrial continues)
- (Brian) Kenny!

(Kenny) Brian! Where are you?

- Turn it off!
- Brian! Sorry, Brian.

(Coughing)

Where is he?! Turn this thing off!

(Grunting)

(Brian whimpers,
blaring music continues)

Sorted.

Come on, Captain, home time.

I wanna lock up.

Captain! Time's time, cock!

Ship ahoy!

Shit!

- Well?
- He's dead, Brian.

- (All gasp)
- Oh, my God.

Who's gonna do the bloody door?

Come on, Captain, lad, wake up!

- He can't hear you, he's dead.
- Never seen a dead body before.

I used to bag 'em up in 'Nam.

We'll swing for this -
it'll finish us!

- We didn't kill him.
- No, but Smokey Robinson did!

- He's a psycho!
- He's had an asthma attack.

- It's all this smoke!
- He had angina and all.

He-he-he-he was! He was
asthmatic, he was asthmatic.

Put him in the Pennine Suite.

- Why?
- Why?!

In here's murder,
next door's natural causes.

Stick him in there.

(All yell)

I'll tell you what,
I'm havin' his fridge freezer.

It's less than 12 months old.

(2nd woman) And the dog?
(1st woman) Get it put down.

- Deaf Tony died yesterday.
- He didn't?

- 56.
- That's no age.

Bin lorry, reversed over him.

- How's Irene takin' it?
- Oh, bad.

And they didn't empty her bin.
(Chortles)

Remember where y'are.

If we spread his ashes
do we get money back on t'urn?

Come on!

- Brian.
- All right, Brian?

Hello, Les. Hello, Alan.

I see, er,
your Ray Van's not turned up.

Good. I'm glad.

Never batted an eyelid, did he?

Very comfortable around death,
that lad. Used to it, you see.

- Did he really kill Tracy Burns?
- Oh, aye.

It were in all the papers,
weren't it?

Why's he not in prison, then?

Technicalities, innit?

- Look at OJ Simpson.
- Yes.

- I'm gonna get rid of him.
- Ooh, you can't do that.

That were Tracy's mistake.
She ended up in a wheelie bin.

- Her head did.
- (Tapping glass)

A bit of respect, ladies and
gentlemen, for the Captain.

(Dog whimpers)

The Captain.

I'll never forget
the day we first met.

D-day it were. Aye, D-day.

We were fourth off the
landing craft up Sword beach.

60 yards up the beach
they get him, the bastards,

but he kept on runnin' -
blew his eyeball right out.

But I caught it!
And d'you know what he said to me?

He said, "You were supposed
to keep an eye out for me!"

But that was the Captain,
always a joker.

- The Captain.
- (All) The Captain.

(# Deutschland Über Alles)

(Les) What the hell's that?

'Wundebar! Das jackpot! Wundebar!'

- Turn that thing off.
- 'Schnell! Dive! Dive!'

(Woman on TV)
'It's an amoeba, a single cell

'and this is it feeding.

'An amoeba can change shape easily.

'By pushing its cell surface
forward, it engulfs its food.'

(Man) Bloody hell.

(TV) 'That's fine if you're
a single-celled organism...'

Sorry, guys.

And who should pop his head
out of the next tent -

Mr Robert De Niro.

Loves Pwllheli.
Was there with his family.

He's doing another
Deer Hunter in Rhyll.

Absolutely hammered him at Swingball.

- (Engine revving)
- Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Wind the window down.

Wind it down. Not as clever
as you think, are you?

You forgot this.

- Nothing gets past these.
- Cheers, mate. Nice one.

# Around the corner from my block

# There's a place
with a private knock

# Where I know we can really rock

# And they open at nine... #

(Brian) Let me get this straight.

Two lads walk in off the street
and take the television

and you did nothing?

We thought you'd arranged it.

- Arranged what?
- They were wearing overalls.

Oh, overalls! Oh, well,
excuse me, then - overalls!

Oh, well... Jesus H!

That was a brand-new set!
The world's gone mad.

They were probably drug addicts.

In overalls?

Where'd you get
that new motor, Brian?

- Somewhere.
- Must've cost a bob.

It must have.
Traded me Shopmobility.

For a Cadillac?

If I'd been on the ball I'd have
worn overalls and driven it out.

(Man) This snooker table's knackered!
Are you getting it fixed?

- Has he not been yet?
- No.

You should've told 'em to take that.

They only had a Citroën.

(French accent)
'Allo, Games Sans Frontières.'

- Eric? Brian.
- 'Brian! How's it goin'?'

It's not going.
It's as crooked as you.

'What d'you mean? What's up?'

I've got a deformed snooker table,

a Nazi bandit
that pays out in Deutschmarks

and a flavoured condom machine
ten years out of date.

'And?'

Would you suck a ten-year-old banana?

- 'No.'
- Neither will they.

- 'I'll have to get me papers.'
- No, get your arse here

for this snooker table,
before I nail you to it.

Shithead.

Well, what do you think?

It's hard to find the words
to describe it, Eric, really.

Oh, I've found some.
What the frig is it?

This? This is what the punters want!

- A mechanical bull?
- A bucking bronco!

- Get rid of it.
- The van's gone.

This is the future,
snooker's dead and buried.

- I'm not convinced.
- Trust me, Brian,

they'll all want one
when they've seen yours.

Oh! Where have I heard that before?
Indoor golf?

Foxy boxing? I've just got shot
of your six-foot Ker Plunk!

Have a ride, see what you think.

I'll give you a week's free trial,

then she's got to go to the
European finals in Düsseldorf.

Düsseldorf? Good, you can take
das fruit machine with you.

I'll throw in an aeroplane,
one previous owner.

Who were it? John Denver?

Come on, Brian, you'll not regret it.

Give it a couple of days,
it'll be shitting money.

If not it had better learn
how to shit snooker tables.

'This is Jerry St Clair welcoming
you to an afternoon of bingo.'

50p a line,
seven pound your full house.

Get your dobbers, your dabbers
and cards, we're ready to go.

Here... What's that?

New bingo machine.

I built it! Guts of a Hoover.

(Hoover motor whirring)

Can you flick it to upholstery?

Eyes down,
looking for your first number.

(Cheering)

Oh!

Four and nine, 49.

(Women) We've had it!

You can't, I've just picked it
up off the bloody floor!

(Shouting)

Hey! Hey!

(Muttering) Bloody hell.
One and two...

Let's hear it for Albert!
Albert's a registered diabetic.

The louder you scream
the faster the ride!

Those are the rules, folks!

- (Cheering)
- What else have you got to do?

Come on, you're nearly at the
pensioners' record! Here we go!

- There he is!
- Who?

- Ray Von.
- Thinks he's on the waltzers.

I've not seen this lot so excited

since they printed that
paedophile's address in t'paper.

(Cheering)

Shit, not another one.

- Hey!
- (Cheering)

Let's get another victim...
another contestant on the ride!

Just a little joke there!

You know what we should have?

- St John's Ambulance?
- Wild West Night.

- You reckon?
- With that thing there?

Get some gunslingers in,
some line dancing.

Line dancing? That's a bit old hat.

Den Perry had it and it was sold out.

- Made a fortune.
- Did he?

I draw the line at lynchin'.

(# Johnny Cash: Ring Of Fire)

Howdy, ladies.

Evenin', y'all.

God, I wouldn't mind ridin' that.

D'you wanna go faster?!
Let's try it the other way!

Come on, George, here we go!

- (Thud)
- Yay!

Absolutely brilliant, George!
Who's next in line?!

So, cowboys and cowgirls,
we've got a special treat for you.

Give a mighty Phoenix welcome
to a fabulous act -

it's Wild Bill and Trigger!

(Cheering)

I'm Wild Bill, say hello to Trigger!

There is a horse
in my Cabaret Suite.

(# The Magnificent Seven theme)

A hat's the worst thing
you can wear if you're going bald.

- Look, don't start.
- Telling you.

You've either gotta
accept it or cover up.

Cover up? It's you
that's going bald, not me.

I've lost most of my hair
worrying about yours.

What's he doing now?

He's digging for gold!

(Applause)

Well done, boy!

Well, what d'you think?

There is a horse in my Cabaret Suite.

Brilliant, isn't he?

Is it real?

(Wild Bill) Down. That's a good lad.

Oh, it's real, my friend.
It's real, you better believe it.

- I'll clean it up.
- 30 grand, that cork floor.

What's he doing now? Ohh!

- Come on...
- (Applause)

Bruce Willis.

Er... Yul Brynner, Sean Connery.

Skin's in, man. Women - they love it.

Can't get enough.
Nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not ashamed
cos I'm not going bald!

Connery -
Connery wants best of both worlds.

See his wig in The Rock? Amazing!

He loves wearing 'em, Connery.

Never Say Never Again -
that were another. Can't get enough.

(Applause)

(Cheering)

(Jerry) One more time!
Wild Bill and Trigger!

I'm gonna leave you

with your own rootin',
tootin', shootin' DJ,

Mr Ray Von!

Just let me clean that shit up.

(# The Woolpackers:
Hillbilly Rock, Hillbilly Roll)

Yeah! Rave on, y'all!

(Laughs) Shabba!

Highlander. Wig.
He had a wig in Highlander.

Highlander 2: The Quickening. Wig.

What were that mad one
where he got his cock out?

- Zardoz.
- Zardoz. Wig.

(Ray) Here we go,
let's set the dance floor on fire!

Here we go! Check this out!

- (Scratching)
- Check it out!

Yeah!

(Ray) Garage, house - it doesn't
matter. It's all OK for DJ Ray!

Can I have chips and black-eyed peas?

What's in your snake-eyed pie?

- Chicken and mushroom.
- I'll have two.

Two snakes, Marion!

(Ray) Rawhides on the dance floor!

- What time's the gunfight?
- After supper.

The Keighley Confederates
against the Preston Posse.

(Ray) Comin' at ya! Come on!

You what?
Lancashire against Yorkshire?

Bloody hell,
you don't mix the counties!

I wondered why we had a gap.

Ike and Tina, chalk and cheese -
they don't go!

- It's gonna kick off.
- No, it's not!

It's all part of the show.
Do it all the time.

It better be.

Here we go! Something sticky!

- (Scratching)
- (Dancers groan)

- Who's judging?
- Ray Von.

Oh, my God.

Don't give him a gun,
we'll be knee-deep in bodies.

The Hunt For Red October. Wig.

The Avengers. Wig.

No, he were bald in The Avengers.

- Think on.
- He was, he was.

But it were a flop, though.

No wig, no hit. Shit.

(# Rednex: Cotton Eye Joe)

- Brian Potter!
- Colin, I thought it were you.

Hope your money's not gone up.

Last time I saw you, Barracuda Club,

you were in a double act
with what's-her-name...

- Mini Ha-Ha.
- Yes. Not laughing now, is she?

Lost a leg to diabetes, poor cow.

- I've got Trigger now.
- She's a beauty, ain't she?

Sorry, he. Nearly had me eye out.

Mind if I put him in that
other room? It's pissing down.

It's pissing down in here -
on 40 grand of cork floor.

Hey? No, you can't, forget it.
Get it away from me.

- He doesn't change, does he?
- No.

Stick him in the Pennine Suite,
he'll never know.

Good boy, good boy.

(Jerry) Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome back, pardners

to Gunfight at the Phoenix Corral,

with me, Deputy St Clair.
Hey? Look at that, 'ey?

Tonight we've got
the Keighley Confederates...

(Cheering)

..against the Preston Posse!

(Cheering)

So without further ado,

can we have the first two
gunslingers up on their marks?

(Man) Go on, George!
(2nd man) Go on, Frank!

Come on, Yorkshire.

Draw!

(Gunshots)

So let's hear it for the
undefeated world champion,

a good friend of mine, Cisco Sid!

(Cheering)

Come on over... (Laughs)

(Jerry) Christ, I've died
and gone to Memphis.

It's Silverado Presley!

(Cheering)

Come on, son, crack a smile.
He's a welder during the day.

Is that gold or is it chocolate?
ls it chocolate, eh?

It's very good, son, keep it up.

Come on, come on, here we go.

On your marks.
Lancashire, are you ready?

Ready!

- Yorkshire, are you ready?
- Uh-huh.

- (Laughter)
- (Man) Get out of town!

Draw.

(Cheering)

Ray?

Lancashire!

No way! There is no way!
That was cheating!

And...

..fire!

Lancashire again!

(Angry shouting)

No way!

# Sing when you're winning

# You only sing when you're winning

# You only sing when you're winning #

(Jerry) Hey, Yorkshire -
you're losing! (Laughs)

Here we go.

# You only sing
when you're winning... #

Next up for the Confederates
we've got Georgia Jed!

Where's Georgia Jed?

- Stand up, son. Oh, he is.
- (Confederates) Go on, Georgia!

Brian! There's a horse
in the Jocky Wilson Suite!

- Yeah, right.
- There is! Come on, quick!

(Jerry) Typical Yorkshire.

# I wish I was a pixie

(All) # Away, away

# In Pixieland, I'll make my stand

# To live and die a pixie #

All right, Jed? Have we got a box?

(Neighing)

There you are. Told you.

Get off!

- What's wrong with it?
- What's up with it?

It's pissed,
that's what's up with it!

- Let go of me!
- How do you know?

I know a pissed horse when I see one!

Get it a kebab.

So Jed, what do you wanna be
when you grow up? Taller?

(Laughter)

No, he was born on
the cusp of Leo and Capricorn,

which makes him a leprechaun
if I'm right - am I right?

(Jerry) Get it, Jed? Where's he gone?
There you are.

He says he's 47 and single -
there's a surprise -

you think? He's probably one of
them bandits, know what I mean?

Rode into town,
shot up the sheriff...

(All yelling)

(Brian) Oh, my God. What's he doing?

- (Rhythmic creaking)
- Pull it off.

You what?
I'm not pullin' off a horse!

(Brian) We've not got
a licence for this.

Kenny, get the mop.

You better get in there,
all hell's breakin' loose!

Who's taught him that?

(# Organ playing
I Wish I Was In Dixie)

I thought it were Yul Brynner?

No, this is Guns Of The Seven.
It's Cogburn, this!

He picks the chair up,
the bloke ducks,

he chucks it straight
through the window!

(All cheering and yelling)

- They've got guns!
- (Gunshots)

(Max) Get 'em out,
come on, get 'em out!

Come on. Elvis has left the building.

(Brian) 45 grand, that floor,
destroyed by him! He's one!

- I've ruptured an artery.
- Good! I'm glad!

Wild West?! Wild, that's for sure!

You know why Den Perry
stopped having 'em now.

It was like this every night.
They're animals, this lot.

Now you tell me, eh?!

You! He's in there
and he's pissed out of his mind

and he's got a corporate
in Torquay tomorrow!

He'll have to go
back on the wagon.

(Laughs)

(Patrick) Friggin' hell!

(Brian) Chuck the key away!

(# Instrumental - Please Release Me)

Hold on! Any minute now. (Grunting)

(Magician, muffled) This is me!

Seeing is believing!

Whose keys are those?

- I dunno.
- (Muffled) Big finish!

These your keys?

What?

(Brian) Next!

Oh, fu...