Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 9 - Hooterville Hurricane - full transcript
Boxer Kid Dynamite is offering $100 to anyone who can stay in the ring with him for three rounds without going down. Uncle Joe is trying to find someone to who he can act as trainer, with Joe retaining the majority of the prize money as a training fee. He thinks he's found that person in Herman Crawley, the strong as an ox but none too bright plumber Kate hires to fix the plumbing problems Uncle Joe caused around the hotel. What makes Herman the perfect candidate in Joe's mind is that he can take punches to the head without even feeling them. Joe does set-up a makeshift boxing ring at the hotel to train Herman, which doesn't sit too well with Kate in so many different ways. When Joe meets Kid Dynamite and his overprotective but brazen manager mother Mrs. Hogan, Joe thinks there's no way Herman can lose. So Joe makes a $500 versus the hotel side wager with Mrs. Hogan on the outcome. What Uncle Joe doesn't realize is that Herman has a particular weakness. In turn, Uncle Joe both has to protect Herman's weakness and find out and exploit the Kid's weakness.
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
(theme song plays)
(loud clanking)
(loud clanking)
(loud clanking continues)
15 hand towels.
Fifty?
Fifteen.
What's Uncle Joe doing?
What?
What's Uncle Joe doing?
Oh, he's fixing the bathtub.
He sure makes a lot of noise.
It's when he stops making
noise I begin to worry.
What?
(clanking)
It's when he stops
making noise, I begin to...
(clanking stops)
Water's running again, Kate.
Get the mop!
Oh...
There. It's okay now.
Uncle Joe, would
please call a plumber?
Kate, ain't you got
no confidence in me?
You remember when
I fixed the furnace?
And the wiring downstairs?
And the refrigerator?
I'll get the plumber.
Kate.
You'll just be
wasting your money.
See?
BETTY JO: (in distance):
Help! Somebody help!
Oh, no.
Mom, all I did was turn
on the faucet, then zowie!
Oh...
Don't worry, Kate,
I'll have it fixed for you
before you can
say Jack Robinson.
Before I say Jack Robinson,
there are a lot of other
choice things I can say.
Be right back.
Where are you going?
To Drucker's store
to get some supplies.
Anything I can get
for you while I'm there?
Get me a plumber!
Kid Dynamite.
If I was three years
younger, I'd fight him myself.
If you was three years younger,
you'd be too old
for Social Security.
They say he's got the hardest
punch since John L. Sullivan.
Punch don't mean anything.
It's footwork that counts.
Hey, Joe, that's pretty good.
Yeah, I didn't know you
could do the wats-a-tootsie.
Listen, if I had a week's time,
I could train anyone of you
guys to lick the Dynamite Kid.
No, not me you couldn't.
I wouldn't get in
the ring with him
if he'd been dead five years.
How about you, Floyd?
Be the easiest $25
you ever picked up.
$25? You get a hundred.
I know I do, but out of
the goodness of my heart,
I'd give you $25 of that.
Now, just a moment.
If Floyd is gonna fight
him, how come you get $75?
That's the standard
training fee.
According to who?
Listen, Sam, I just
charge the fees.
I don't question who sets them.
My plumbing stuff ready?
Yeah, right here.
Where's the sledgehammer?
Why don't you fight
him yourself, Joe,
and keep the whole hundred?
Don't think I couldn't.
All it takes is
brains and muscle.
Well, that knocks you
out on both counts.
But, Mr. Carson, I'm
a first-class plumber,
and anyway, Mrs. Bradley's
the one that hired me.
I'm a master plumber,
and I'm unhiring you.
Now, this bathroom ain't
big enough for the two of us.
And I got "senior-ority."
Now, if you want to pick
up a few tricks, hang around.
Yes, sir.
Now, let's see.
First, we're gonna need
an L-shaped hunk of pipe.
Yes, sir.
No, that's-that's
not the right shape.
Can you do figure eights?
Yes, sir.
Beginner's luck.
Well, now let's get to work.
Wrench.
Oh, uh, there it is on
the floor, Mr. Carson.
You're standing on it.
Oops.
Did I hurt you, son?
Well, what'd you do?
Hit you in the head
with a hammer.
Oh, well, I wouldn't feel that.
The kids are always
cracking walnuts on my head.
$28?
Well, yes, ma'am.
And I didn't charge nothing
for undoing everything
that Mr. Carson done...
and listening to his stories.
Wait a minute.
I was just giving you
the benefit of my wealth
of master plumbing experience.
Excuse me, Mr. Carson.
I'll have this hooked
up in no time.
About this $28...
Consider it paid.
- It's ridiculous.
- You ain't heard it all yet.
I have heard enough.
Herman could get himself hurt
fighting that Kid
what's-his-name.
Not with me training him.
Why, he's strong as a bull.
- (pan clangs)
- Sorry.
- For what?
- See?
No.
Let's leave it up to Herman.
Herman, Mrs.
Bradley can't pay you.
Now, do you want to go and
face your boss without the money?
Well, not if I can help it.
See, Kate? He's willing.
All he's got to do
is stay three rounds
with this pantywaist fighter,
and he'll make himself $100.
Minus my manager's
fee, of course.
Your what?
You don't expect me to make
him the champion of the world
for nothing, do you?
I will not have Herman
fighting for his money.
I'll find some way to
see that he gets paid.
Stick around for supper, son.
I think she's weakening.
I can see it now.
The Shady Rest will become
the fight capital of the world.
Fighters will come from
all over to train here.
The Cannonball will have
to put on six extra cars
- to haul the overflow.
- No.
- But, Kate...
- KATE: Uncle Joe,
Herman is not a fighter.
He don't have to be a fighter.
He's indestructive.
Turn your head this way, Herman.
Any more asparagus?
Take a swing at him with this.
- Certainly not.
- Betty Jo?
- No thanks.
- JOE: Bobbie?
I don't think so.
Well, for crying out loud,
what do you have to do to...
What's for dessert?
It's unbelievable.
I've never seen
anything like it.
See, Kate? Even your own kin
can see that he can't be hurt.
Well, I must admit
that his head is...
Thanks, Kate.
You just gave us a new
champion of the world.
Gosh, Uncle Joe, is he strong.
Well, he needs a
little hardening up.
Hey, Herman, use the other hand.
Yes, sir.
Couldn't have set them
posts better myself.
Well, what are you going
to use for the ring ropes?
Simple.
That's Mom's wash.
It's okay, it's dry.
Looks pretty good, don't it?
What are you gonna
use for the ring floor?
Oh, I got a tarpaulin.
You'll need padding.
Yeah, well, that's
all taken care of.
Where's your mother?
In the kitchen.
Good.
Bobbie Jo, let's
have the padding.
(thud)
How's my aim?
Fair. Fair.
Uncle Joe, what
happened to my wash?
You should have
been out here, Kate.
There was this big wind...
Yeah, and you're still here.
Kate, it's a small sacrifice to
make when you're gonna be
the new home of the
Madison Square Garden.
And what is this?
It's the squared circle.
And what are those lumps?
And if they are
what I think they are,
you're going to get yours.
I don't know, they're just some
old, uh, that I put under there.
Old what?
I didn't look at 'em
very close, Kate.
I don't know.
Want another
mattress, Uncle Joe?
No thanks, Bobbie.
I ain't sleepy.
Uh-huh.
- Put those back on the beds.
- But, Kate...
Put those back on the beds.
Herman.
Yes, sir, what's your pleasure?
Nothing.
Kate gets them
mattresses back on the bed,
she'll have to
fight him for 'em.
Here you are,
everybody, apple pie.
Oh, boy, Bobbie Jo,
that sure does look good.
Mmm.
Mmm, that is good, Bobbie Jo.
That does it.
Uncle Joe.
Uncle Joe, do you realize
that Herman ate two chickens,
a roast, a loaf of bread
and two whole apple pies?
Kate, he's got to
keep up his strength.
He's a well-oiled
fighting machine.
Eating machine is more like it.
And we're gonna go
broke keeping him oiled.
Remember, a future champion
uses up a lot of energy.
You've got to expect
him to eat a lot more
than the rest of
us Hooterville folks.
All put together?
Time.
I said, time.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Joe.
- (bell clangs)
Bobbie, if you
don't pay attention,
how am I going to
get Herman in shape?
I've almost finished drawing
the advertising picture of Herman.
See?
JOE: Hmm, that's not bad.
We'll have Sam run off
a few thousand of those,
and the Hurricane here
will be world famous.
Okay, now let's get
back to shadowboxing.
Okay, I'm gonna
teach you how to jab,
hooking and crossing.
Now, to jab, you got
to shift your weight
from your left
foot to your right.
Notice how I got in close to you
before you knew
what I was doing?
Yes, sir, Mr. Carson.
Uncle Joe, guess
who's registering?
Kid Dynamite.
So, you're Kid Dynamite, huh?
This is Mrs. Hogan.
I'm Kid Dynamite's mother,
and his manager, fatso.
I'm Joe Carson.
Is this the bum you're managing?
Bum? He's gonna take
that kid of yours apart
and forget how to
put him back together.
Hey, did you hear that, Kid?
Yeah. (laughs)
Kid?
Didn't I see him fighting in
the Spanish American War?
You listen to me, chubby.
If this creeps lasts one
round, I'll know the fight is fixed.
- You listen to me. I'm gonna...
- (suitcase thumps)
Wait a minute, Mac.
Watch what you're doing.
No one lays a hand
on my mom, mister.
No one. No one. No one!
Say, there, feller, you
leave Mr. Carson alone.
You stay out of this.
Oh! My hand! Ooh, ooh...
Got the hundred ready?
Kate, we'd make a fortune.
- No.
- But a little side bet.
You saw the Kid hit Herman.
Didn't do a thing to him.
I am not interested.
Hi, Mrs. Hogan.
How's your son, the kid
with the cream puff punch?
Hey. Where do you
keep your pots and pans?
Oh, you don't have to bother.
I do all the cooking
for the hotel.
Not for Kid Dynamite you won't.
Besides, it's gonna cut down
on the gate if it ever gets out
that the same cook
is dishing up meals
for my boy and your fighter.
Don't call him my fighter.
I don't want any part
of this boxing match.
And besides, my
cooking is entirely neutral.
All the grub in the world
ain't gonna help Dynamite
when the Hurricane cuts loose.
Carson, you're all
gab and no geetus.
What does that mean?
In polite language, it means
put your money
where your mouth is.
I got five Cs here
just crying to be covered. Oh.
(chuckling)
Oh. Come out of it, Uncle Joe.
It's only... $500?
Well, loudmouth, how's about it?
Or is it a bit too
steep for you, tinhorn?
Nobody calls Joe
Carson a tinhorn.
I'll bet your $500
against this hotel.
(pan clatters)
Uncle Joe, this isn't
your hotel to bet.
Now clear out, both of
you, so that I can cook,
or nobody's gonna
eat around here.
- But, Kate, we...
- Out, both of you.
I'm staying. I'm
cooking for my boy
because I don't want
him to get indigestion.
Are you insinuating that my
cooking gives you indigestion?
Only if you eat it.
- Oh!
- The Hurricane eats it.
Aw, that overstuffed slob?
He won't even last half a round.
Using your homemade expression,
put you money
where your mouth is.
My $500 against the hotel.
- You're on.
- Uncle Joe.
Oh!
You got nothing to
worry about, Kate.
You saw Herman take
the Kid's best punch.
Howdy. What's for dinner?
(grunts, shouts)
What do you know about that?
He's got a glass stomach.
I think these posters of Herman
turned out real good, don't you?
Might as well throw
'em away, Betty Jo.
First time Herman gets hit
in the stomach, it's all over.
Oh, Uncle Joe, every
fighter has a weakness.
And Kid Dynamite must
be a sucker for something.
Yeah, well, what is it?
What is it?
KID: No one lays a
hand on my mom, mister.
No one. No one.
What is it, Uncle Joe?
Betty Jo, I've got it.
I've got a way to fizzle
the Dynamite's fuse.
Don't want any low punches,
now. No rabbit punches.
Good luck, boys.
Come out fighting.
I just can't wait to get him.
He's got a hard jaw.
- Yeah, but I bet he's got a soft tummy.
- (cackling)
Here you are, Junior. (laughs)
Gosh, Mom, isn't this exciting?
Mom, what have you got there?
Smelling salts.
Put it away. Herman isn't
gonna need any of them.
They're not for Herman;
they're for me, just in case.
I thought Uncle Joe said
there'd be standing room only.
Now, remember what
I taught you, champ.
Don't worry, Herman. He's
just as nervous as you are.
That looks like a
picture of Mrs. Hogan.
I know. I drew it.
What?
It's Uncle Joe's secret weapon.
(bell clanging)
Hey, Ma, look.
JOE: Pow! That's a
good one, Herman!
- (cries)
- That's a boy.
Break it up. Break it up.
(gloves connecting)
Hit him in the
breadbasket, Junior.
- Right in the stomach.
- But I can't hit you, Ma!
It's working, Uncle Joe.
Yeah, there's more than
one way to skin a skunk.
- Break it up.
- JOE: Clobber him, Herman!
Hit him in the stomach,
Junior! The stomach!
JOE: Look out, Herman! Look out!
That's my boy.
BETTY JO: Look out!
(grunts)
JOE: Give him an
uppercut, Herman!
- (whimpers)
- (indistinct shouting) -One...
- (wails)
- two... three...
four... five... JOE:
Kid's getting up!
(gloves connecting)
(grunting)
Junior, come along now.
(bell clanging)
Keep it up, champ. Just
two more rounds to go.
Let me cool you off.
Why didn't you hit him
in the kitchen, Junior?
It's only a picture.
Aw, I couldn't hit you, Ma.
I love you, Ma.
(exhales)
Remember, Junior,
right in the labanz.
I'll try, Ma.
(bell clanging)
KID: Hey, look, Ma, it's gone!
JOE: Here he comes again!
Mr. Carson, what do I do now?
- What do I do?
- Cover it up, Herman!
Keep your middle covered up!
Cover it up, Herman!
(gloves connecting)
That's my boy.
Oh, you're great.
- (indistinct shouting)
- (barking)
One, two, three,
- four...
- JOE: He's getting up.
Ma, I'm gonna kill
him this time, Ma.
Yeah, kill him.
(bell clanging)
- I'll fix it with my mascara.
- You're doing great, Herman.
We'll just give
you a fast paint job.
Well, I already had one,
Mr. Carson... black and blue.
- Oh! Now look what you made me do.
- (bell clanging)
JOE: Get him, Herman. Come on!
Hey, Ma, look,
they've done it again!
That ain't me, Junior.
See the mustache?
That's your no-good pa.
Clobber him, Junior.
Clobber him good.
- (grunts)
- (indistinct shouting)
(barks)
(cries) Oh, Junior, please!
Oh, there he is.
- (grunts)
- (indistinct shouting) -One...
- two...
- CHARLEY: Get up, Herman! Get up!
JOE: Herman, there's
only a few seconds left!
- Get up!
- (barks)
(laughs)
- You're my boy.
- (chuckles)
Hey, Ma, he-he won't
get up for about a week.
Hey!
He's getting up, you big lunk!
- Don't call me a big lunk, Ma.
- Seven...
- I have to belt you one.
- Eight... nine...
(bell clanging)
- He done it. He stayed three rounds.
- Yeah!
(laughs) The hotel is
saved! The hotel is saved!
Oh, Mom, we...
Sure lucky she brought
the smelling salts.
That overflowing
crowd you expected
wasn't even a ground swell.
You mean the gate receipts
only come to four dollars?
Big shot... you gave
everybody free passes.
Even so, we got the
$500 from Mrs. Hogan
and another hundred
because we stayed three rounds
- with the Kid Dynamite.
- "We" stayed?
From where I sat, it looked like
Herman was doing the fighting.
Including the gate
receipts, it all comes to $604.
- Not bad.
- Mmm.
Not bad at all.
Makes the trip from the county
seat seem almost worthwhile.
I-I don't believe I've seen
you before today, Mr., uh...
Uh, Finchcliff. I'm from
the County Bureau.
Finchcliff. (chuckles)
Say, you did do
all right, didn't you?
Oh, we sure did.
After taking out expenses,
such as new mattresses,
we cleared $451.
Uh, did you include the
$250 county license fee
for staging a prize fight?
- Uh...
- And the, uh, $200 penalty
for not getting the license?
Making a grand total
of the assessment of...
$450.
Leaving us a grand
profit of one dollar.
Which I'll take for new mascara.
- Well, so long, folks.
- Oh, Mr. Finchcliff, you're one
of the finest physical
specimens I've ever seen.
Now, the Kid's fighting in
Crabwell Corners next week...
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
(theme song plays)
(loud clanking)
(loud clanking)
(loud clanking continues)
15 hand towels.
Fifty?
Fifteen.
What's Uncle Joe doing?
What?
What's Uncle Joe doing?
Oh, he's fixing the bathtub.
He sure makes a lot of noise.
It's when he stops making
noise I begin to worry.
What?
(clanking)
It's when he stops
making noise, I begin to...
(clanking stops)
Water's running again, Kate.
Get the mop!
Oh...
There. It's okay now.
Uncle Joe, would
please call a plumber?
Kate, ain't you got
no confidence in me?
You remember when
I fixed the furnace?
And the wiring downstairs?
And the refrigerator?
I'll get the plumber.
Kate.
You'll just be
wasting your money.
See?
BETTY JO: (in distance):
Help! Somebody help!
Oh, no.
Mom, all I did was turn
on the faucet, then zowie!
Oh...
Don't worry, Kate,
I'll have it fixed for you
before you can
say Jack Robinson.
Before I say Jack Robinson,
there are a lot of other
choice things I can say.
Be right back.
Where are you going?
To Drucker's store
to get some supplies.
Anything I can get
for you while I'm there?
Get me a plumber!
Kid Dynamite.
If I was three years
younger, I'd fight him myself.
If you was three years younger,
you'd be too old
for Social Security.
They say he's got the hardest
punch since John L. Sullivan.
Punch don't mean anything.
It's footwork that counts.
Hey, Joe, that's pretty good.
Yeah, I didn't know you
could do the wats-a-tootsie.
Listen, if I had a week's time,
I could train anyone of you
guys to lick the Dynamite Kid.
No, not me you couldn't.
I wouldn't get in
the ring with him
if he'd been dead five years.
How about you, Floyd?
Be the easiest $25
you ever picked up.
$25? You get a hundred.
I know I do, but out of
the goodness of my heart,
I'd give you $25 of that.
Now, just a moment.
If Floyd is gonna fight
him, how come you get $75?
That's the standard
training fee.
According to who?
Listen, Sam, I just
charge the fees.
I don't question who sets them.
My plumbing stuff ready?
Yeah, right here.
Where's the sledgehammer?
Why don't you fight
him yourself, Joe,
and keep the whole hundred?
Don't think I couldn't.
All it takes is
brains and muscle.
Well, that knocks you
out on both counts.
But, Mr. Carson, I'm
a first-class plumber,
and anyway, Mrs. Bradley's
the one that hired me.
I'm a master plumber,
and I'm unhiring you.
Now, this bathroom ain't
big enough for the two of us.
And I got "senior-ority."
Now, if you want to pick
up a few tricks, hang around.
Yes, sir.
Now, let's see.
First, we're gonna need
an L-shaped hunk of pipe.
Yes, sir.
No, that's-that's
not the right shape.
Can you do figure eights?
Yes, sir.
Beginner's luck.
Well, now let's get to work.
Wrench.
Oh, uh, there it is on
the floor, Mr. Carson.
You're standing on it.
Oops.
Did I hurt you, son?
Well, what'd you do?
Hit you in the head
with a hammer.
Oh, well, I wouldn't feel that.
The kids are always
cracking walnuts on my head.
$28?
Well, yes, ma'am.
And I didn't charge nothing
for undoing everything
that Mr. Carson done...
and listening to his stories.
Wait a minute.
I was just giving you
the benefit of my wealth
of master plumbing experience.
Excuse me, Mr. Carson.
I'll have this hooked
up in no time.
About this $28...
Consider it paid.
- It's ridiculous.
- You ain't heard it all yet.
I have heard enough.
Herman could get himself hurt
fighting that Kid
what's-his-name.
Not with me training him.
Why, he's strong as a bull.
- (pan clangs)
- Sorry.
- For what?
- See?
No.
Let's leave it up to Herman.
Herman, Mrs.
Bradley can't pay you.
Now, do you want to go and
face your boss without the money?
Well, not if I can help it.
See, Kate? He's willing.
All he's got to do
is stay three rounds
with this pantywaist fighter,
and he'll make himself $100.
Minus my manager's
fee, of course.
Your what?
You don't expect me to make
him the champion of the world
for nothing, do you?
I will not have Herman
fighting for his money.
I'll find some way to
see that he gets paid.
Stick around for supper, son.
I think she's weakening.
I can see it now.
The Shady Rest will become
the fight capital of the world.
Fighters will come from
all over to train here.
The Cannonball will have
to put on six extra cars
- to haul the overflow.
- No.
- But, Kate...
- KATE: Uncle Joe,
Herman is not a fighter.
He don't have to be a fighter.
He's indestructive.
Turn your head this way, Herman.
Any more asparagus?
Take a swing at him with this.
- Certainly not.
- Betty Jo?
- No thanks.
- JOE: Bobbie?
I don't think so.
Well, for crying out loud,
what do you have to do to...
What's for dessert?
It's unbelievable.
I've never seen
anything like it.
See, Kate? Even your own kin
can see that he can't be hurt.
Well, I must admit
that his head is...
Thanks, Kate.
You just gave us a new
champion of the world.
Gosh, Uncle Joe, is he strong.
Well, he needs a
little hardening up.
Hey, Herman, use the other hand.
Yes, sir.
Couldn't have set them
posts better myself.
Well, what are you going
to use for the ring ropes?
Simple.
That's Mom's wash.
It's okay, it's dry.
Looks pretty good, don't it?
What are you gonna
use for the ring floor?
Oh, I got a tarpaulin.
You'll need padding.
Yeah, well, that's
all taken care of.
Where's your mother?
In the kitchen.
Good.
Bobbie Jo, let's
have the padding.
(thud)
How's my aim?
Fair. Fair.
Uncle Joe, what
happened to my wash?
You should have
been out here, Kate.
There was this big wind...
Yeah, and you're still here.
Kate, it's a small sacrifice to
make when you're gonna be
the new home of the
Madison Square Garden.
And what is this?
It's the squared circle.
And what are those lumps?
And if they are
what I think they are,
you're going to get yours.
I don't know, they're just some
old, uh, that I put under there.
Old what?
I didn't look at 'em
very close, Kate.
I don't know.
Want another
mattress, Uncle Joe?
No thanks, Bobbie.
I ain't sleepy.
Uh-huh.
- Put those back on the beds.
- But, Kate...
Put those back on the beds.
Herman.
Yes, sir, what's your pleasure?
Nothing.
Kate gets them
mattresses back on the bed,
she'll have to
fight him for 'em.
Here you are,
everybody, apple pie.
Oh, boy, Bobbie Jo,
that sure does look good.
Mmm.
Mmm, that is good, Bobbie Jo.
That does it.
Uncle Joe.
Uncle Joe, do you realize
that Herman ate two chickens,
a roast, a loaf of bread
and two whole apple pies?
Kate, he's got to
keep up his strength.
He's a well-oiled
fighting machine.
Eating machine is more like it.
And we're gonna go
broke keeping him oiled.
Remember, a future champion
uses up a lot of energy.
You've got to expect
him to eat a lot more
than the rest of
us Hooterville folks.
All put together?
Time.
I said, time.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Joe.
- (bell clangs)
Bobbie, if you
don't pay attention,
how am I going to
get Herman in shape?
I've almost finished drawing
the advertising picture of Herman.
See?
JOE: Hmm, that's not bad.
We'll have Sam run off
a few thousand of those,
and the Hurricane here
will be world famous.
Okay, now let's get
back to shadowboxing.
Okay, I'm gonna
teach you how to jab,
hooking and crossing.
Now, to jab, you got
to shift your weight
from your left
foot to your right.
Notice how I got in close to you
before you knew
what I was doing?
Yes, sir, Mr. Carson.
Uncle Joe, guess
who's registering?
Kid Dynamite.
So, you're Kid Dynamite, huh?
This is Mrs. Hogan.
I'm Kid Dynamite's mother,
and his manager, fatso.
I'm Joe Carson.
Is this the bum you're managing?
Bum? He's gonna take
that kid of yours apart
and forget how to
put him back together.
Hey, did you hear that, Kid?
Yeah. (laughs)
Kid?
Didn't I see him fighting in
the Spanish American War?
You listen to me, chubby.
If this creeps lasts one
round, I'll know the fight is fixed.
- You listen to me. I'm gonna...
- (suitcase thumps)
Wait a minute, Mac.
Watch what you're doing.
No one lays a hand
on my mom, mister.
No one. No one. No one!
Say, there, feller, you
leave Mr. Carson alone.
You stay out of this.
Oh! My hand! Ooh, ooh...
Got the hundred ready?
Kate, we'd make a fortune.
- No.
- But a little side bet.
You saw the Kid hit Herman.
Didn't do a thing to him.
I am not interested.
Hi, Mrs. Hogan.
How's your son, the kid
with the cream puff punch?
Hey. Where do you
keep your pots and pans?
Oh, you don't have to bother.
I do all the cooking
for the hotel.
Not for Kid Dynamite you won't.
Besides, it's gonna cut down
on the gate if it ever gets out
that the same cook
is dishing up meals
for my boy and your fighter.
Don't call him my fighter.
I don't want any part
of this boxing match.
And besides, my
cooking is entirely neutral.
All the grub in the world
ain't gonna help Dynamite
when the Hurricane cuts loose.
Carson, you're all
gab and no geetus.
What does that mean?
In polite language, it means
put your money
where your mouth is.
I got five Cs here
just crying to be covered. Oh.
(chuckling)
Oh. Come out of it, Uncle Joe.
It's only... $500?
Well, loudmouth, how's about it?
Or is it a bit too
steep for you, tinhorn?
Nobody calls Joe
Carson a tinhorn.
I'll bet your $500
against this hotel.
(pan clatters)
Uncle Joe, this isn't
your hotel to bet.
Now clear out, both of
you, so that I can cook,
or nobody's gonna
eat around here.
- But, Kate, we...
- Out, both of you.
I'm staying. I'm
cooking for my boy
because I don't want
him to get indigestion.
Are you insinuating that my
cooking gives you indigestion?
Only if you eat it.
- Oh!
- The Hurricane eats it.
Aw, that overstuffed slob?
He won't even last half a round.
Using your homemade expression,
put you money
where your mouth is.
My $500 against the hotel.
- You're on.
- Uncle Joe.
Oh!
You got nothing to
worry about, Kate.
You saw Herman take
the Kid's best punch.
Howdy. What's for dinner?
(grunts, shouts)
What do you know about that?
He's got a glass stomach.
I think these posters of Herman
turned out real good, don't you?
Might as well throw
'em away, Betty Jo.
First time Herman gets hit
in the stomach, it's all over.
Oh, Uncle Joe, every
fighter has a weakness.
And Kid Dynamite must
be a sucker for something.
Yeah, well, what is it?
What is it?
KID: No one lays a
hand on my mom, mister.
No one. No one.
What is it, Uncle Joe?
Betty Jo, I've got it.
I've got a way to fizzle
the Dynamite's fuse.
Don't want any low punches,
now. No rabbit punches.
Good luck, boys.
Come out fighting.
I just can't wait to get him.
He's got a hard jaw.
- Yeah, but I bet he's got a soft tummy.
- (cackling)
Here you are, Junior. (laughs)
Gosh, Mom, isn't this exciting?
Mom, what have you got there?
Smelling salts.
Put it away. Herman isn't
gonna need any of them.
They're not for Herman;
they're for me, just in case.
I thought Uncle Joe said
there'd be standing room only.
Now, remember what
I taught you, champ.
Don't worry, Herman. He's
just as nervous as you are.
That looks like a
picture of Mrs. Hogan.
I know. I drew it.
What?
It's Uncle Joe's secret weapon.
(bell clanging)
Hey, Ma, look.
JOE: Pow! That's a
good one, Herman!
- (cries)
- That's a boy.
Break it up. Break it up.
(gloves connecting)
Hit him in the
breadbasket, Junior.
- Right in the stomach.
- But I can't hit you, Ma!
It's working, Uncle Joe.
Yeah, there's more than
one way to skin a skunk.
- Break it up.
- JOE: Clobber him, Herman!
Hit him in the stomach,
Junior! The stomach!
JOE: Look out, Herman! Look out!
That's my boy.
BETTY JO: Look out!
(grunts)
JOE: Give him an
uppercut, Herman!
- (whimpers)
- (indistinct shouting) -One...
- (wails)
- two... three...
four... five... JOE:
Kid's getting up!
(gloves connecting)
(grunting)
Junior, come along now.
(bell clanging)
Keep it up, champ. Just
two more rounds to go.
Let me cool you off.
Why didn't you hit him
in the kitchen, Junior?
It's only a picture.
Aw, I couldn't hit you, Ma.
I love you, Ma.
(exhales)
Remember, Junior,
right in the labanz.
I'll try, Ma.
(bell clanging)
KID: Hey, look, Ma, it's gone!
JOE: Here he comes again!
Mr. Carson, what do I do now?
- What do I do?
- Cover it up, Herman!
Keep your middle covered up!
Cover it up, Herman!
(gloves connecting)
That's my boy.
Oh, you're great.
- (indistinct shouting)
- (barking)
One, two, three,
- four...
- JOE: He's getting up.
Ma, I'm gonna kill
him this time, Ma.
Yeah, kill him.
(bell clanging)
- I'll fix it with my mascara.
- You're doing great, Herman.
We'll just give
you a fast paint job.
Well, I already had one,
Mr. Carson... black and blue.
- Oh! Now look what you made me do.
- (bell clanging)
JOE: Get him, Herman. Come on!
Hey, Ma, look,
they've done it again!
That ain't me, Junior.
See the mustache?
That's your no-good pa.
Clobber him, Junior.
Clobber him good.
- (grunts)
- (indistinct shouting)
(barks)
(cries) Oh, Junior, please!
Oh, there he is.
- (grunts)
- (indistinct shouting) -One...
- two...
- CHARLEY: Get up, Herman! Get up!
JOE: Herman, there's
only a few seconds left!
- Get up!
- (barks)
(laughs)
- You're my boy.
- (chuckles)
Hey, Ma, he-he won't
get up for about a week.
Hey!
He's getting up, you big lunk!
- Don't call me a big lunk, Ma.
- Seven...
- I have to belt you one.
- Eight... nine...
(bell clanging)
- He done it. He stayed three rounds.
- Yeah!
(laughs) The hotel is
saved! The hotel is saved!
Oh, Mom, we...
Sure lucky she brought
the smelling salts.
That overflowing
crowd you expected
wasn't even a ground swell.
You mean the gate receipts
only come to four dollars?
Big shot... you gave
everybody free passes.
Even so, we got the
$500 from Mrs. Hogan
and another hundred
because we stayed three rounds
- with the Kid Dynamite.
- "We" stayed?
From where I sat, it looked like
Herman was doing the fighting.
Including the gate
receipts, it all comes to $604.
- Not bad.
- Mmm.
Not bad at all.
Makes the trip from the county
seat seem almost worthwhile.
I-I don't believe I've seen
you before today, Mr., uh...
Uh, Finchcliff. I'm from
the County Bureau.
Finchcliff. (chuckles)
Say, you did do
all right, didn't you?
Oh, we sure did.
After taking out expenses,
such as new mattresses,
we cleared $451.
Uh, did you include the
$250 county license fee
for staging a prize fight?
- Uh...
- And the, uh, $200 penalty
for not getting the license?
Making a grand total
of the assessment of...
$450.
Leaving us a grand
profit of one dollar.
Which I'll take for new mascara.
- Well, so long, folks.
- Oh, Mr. Finchcliff, you're one
of the finest physical
specimens I've ever seen.
Now, the Kid's fighting in
Crabwell Corners next week...
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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Filmways Presentation.