Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 8 - Hooterville a Go Go - full transcript
The Every Other Wednesday Afternoon Discussion Club, with its new member Lisa Douglas, is planning on holding a square dance (which beat out a gay 90's party) as a high school benefit. The kids don't think it's a good idea as a square dance is, well, square. They'd much prefer a dance with music by someone like King Ring a Ding, the biggest recording star in their musical world. Kate won't hear of it as she doesn't consider King Ring a Ding's music as being music. Regardless, the Bradley girls decide to try and get King Ring a Ding to perform at a benefit. Who shows up unexpectedly at the hotel instead is Herbie Willis, who used to live in Hooterville and who Kate encouraged to become a singer as she loved his lyrical voice and soothing rendition of traditional folk songs. Kate wants Herbie to sing at the benefit. What Kate and girls don't realize is that both Herbie and King Ring a Ding can't perform at the benefit together because... When Herbie hears that no tickets have been sold mainly because he's the "headliner", Herbie makes a decision for the betterment of Hooterville High. Uncle Joe tries to thwart Herbie's plans, not realizing what his plans actually are, and in the process unknowingly ruin the benefit.
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
(pop music playing)
♪ Look me up when
you get downtown, baby ♪
♪ Downtown's where
we're really gonna live it up ♪
♪ Hop on a bus that
goes across town... ♪
All right, girls!
Boys, that's enough.
Boys and girls, girls
and boys, boys and gir...
♪ Look me up when
you get down... ♪
(music stops)
Hey! Hey, wait a second.
What's the matter?
Somebody stole
the record player.
I didn't think you'd notice.
Gosh, Mrs. Bradley,
don't you like music?
I didn't hear any music.
But, Mrs. Bradley, that
was King Ring A Ding!
Henrietta, you're putting me on.
He's the biggest
recording star in the world.
What world?
Can we have the
record player back?
No. I need the
lobby for the, uh,
every-other-Wednesday-afternoon
discussion club.
Are you gonna make plans
for the high school benefit?
Mm-hmm.
Have you got any ideas?
We're having a square dance.
Oh, you mean like
do-si-do and away we go?
Very funny. Very funny.
Mom, none of the kids will
buy tickets to a square dance.
Why don't we get
King Ring A Ding?
We're having a square dance.
But, Mom, that's for old folks.
Oh, I didn't mean you.
I meant the other old folks.
I mean, the other old folks
who aren't as old as you.
I mean... It's gonna
be very interesting
to see how you're gonna
get yourself out of this.
How about getting
King Ring A Ding?
I don't know why
the Ladies Club should
take over the benefit anyway.
It's for our high
school football team.
Well, who raised the money
for the high school
gymnasium equipment?
The Ladies Club.
But that doesn't mean
- that we have to take over...
- At least have
a little faith in us.
We have lots of faith
in you, Mrs. Bradley.
It's just that there must be a
better idea than a square dance.
How about getting
King Ring A Ding?
Yeah, I think that'd
be a good idea.
- Out, out, out, out.
- (overlapping chatter)
- Out, out, out, out, out, out.
- That's a good idea.
Oh, darling, I
don't want to go in.
You know I hate
to join anything.
I know, Lisa, but
this is a great honor.
These women have
asked you to join their club.
This means they've accepted you
as a member of the
Hooterville community.
Well, I'm very
flattered, but, dar...
Well, you should be.
After all, they don't
ask everybody to join
their every-other-Wednesday-
afternoon discussion club.
But I-I may not have anything to
discuss every other Wednesday.
And I may have something
to discuss on the Wednesdays
when they don't
have any discussion.
Or I might have something
to discuss on a Tuesday...
Stop stalling.
Oh, darling.
If you're nervous,
I'll go in with you.
Oh, good, come on.
Kate, when is the
meeting going to start?
As soon as Mrs.
Douglas gets here.
Well, why do we
have to wait for...?
Oh, Mrs. Douglas! Why,
how nice to see you.
I'm so glad you could come.
Thank you.
- Mr. Douglas.
- Yes, thank you, thank you.
I'll wait outside.
No, no, no, please, please stay.
Oh, do. It would be so nice
to have a man's point of view
with our woman's discussion.
No, I think I'd better...
Darling, do sit down.
(sighs)
The meeting will
now come to order.
And 'cause we have a
lot of business to discuss,
we'll dispense with the
reading of the minutes.
Just a minute, Kate,
you cannot dispense
with the reading of the minutes
until somebody makes that
motion, and we all vote on it.
Isn't that right, Mr. Douglas?
Well, Mrs. Finney,
according to
parliamentary procedure...
You see?
All right, Tillie, I
make the motion...
Point of order.
The chairwoman
cannot make a motion.
Isn't that right, Mr. Douglas?
Oh, I think that... Thank you.
Um, I'll make the motion.
I move that we dispense
with the reading of the minutes.
All those in favor?
The motion has been
carried unanimously.
Just a minute. It
was not unanimous.
Mr. Douglas did not
have his hand up.
No, no, I'm not a
member, Mrs. Finney.
Please, Mr. Douglas,
I have the floor.
Tillie, how would you like
to move a little
closer to the gavel?
And now we have to discuss
some very important new business.
What about old business?
We'll talk about you later.
As you all know, uh, we
have to raise some money
for the Hooterville
High football team.
And before we decide
on a square dance...
We're not going to
have a square dance.
Tillie, you're out of order.
Madam "Charwoman"... Chairwoman.
Yes, Mrs. Douglas?
Once in New York, we
raised $60,000 one evening.
- $60,000?!
- Mm-hmm.
How did you do that?
Well, we auctioned
off all our mink coats.
Are there any other suggestions?
(all murmuring)
Now, one at a time, please.
Order. Order. One at a time.
Uh, Madam Chairwoman,
I have a suggestion.
You are not going to suggest
that stale Gay
Nineties party again?
Stale?
I'm glad you agree.
Now, uh, to get back
to the square dance.
Nobody will ever
come to a square dance.
Will they, Mr. Douglas?
Oh, I would imagine...
I'm glad you agree.
Oliver once had the great
idea how to raise money.
Uh, we all got together
and chartered...
They tried that at Pixley.
They lost their shirts.
Tillie, would you please
let Mr. Douglas tell us
what he lost his shirt on?!
Not that he lost his shirt.
His shirt is probably... Oh!
Go on, Mr. Doug...
Let the minutes show
that Mr. Douglas sneaked
out at exactly 4:12.
A square dance?
Well, it was either that or a Gay
Nineties party, and Mom won.
You call that winning?
Boy, if she expects us
to buy tickets for that...
I've been thinking
about King Ring A Ding.
Mmm, so have I.
No, no, I mean about
getting him to come here.
Stop dreaming.
He might. Well, after all,
he's always doing benefits.
And we're the charter members
of the Hooterville branch
of the Ring A Ding Fan Club.
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt
- to write him a letter and ask him.
- Great!
"And if you would
appear at our benefit,
"it would make it a
smashing success.
"And we'd be able
to buy uniforms
for the Hooterville High
School football team." (laughs)
They got to be kidding, eh?
- Reece, wait a minute.
- Huh?
Did you say Hooterville?
I couldn't make up a
name like that, King.
That's my alma mater.
Come on.
I graduated from
Hooterville High.
Who's that letter from?
It's a Billie Jo, Bobbie
Jo, and Betty Jo Bradley.
Those are Mrs.
Bradley's daughters.
Why, she was the one
who encouraged me to sing.
She even lent me the $20
so I could get to Chicago
for my first audition.
So I'll send her a check.
No, no, if I can help them
out, it's the least I can do.
Look, King, every
cockamamy benefit would like
to have King Ring A Ding.
They don't even know
I'm King Ring A Ding.
Back there everybody
knows me as Herbie Willis.
You promised never
to use that hokey name.
I'm sorry, but that's who I am.
Herbie Willis.
(pop music playing)
♪ Look me up when you
get downtown, baby... ♪
(sighs)
♪ Downtown's where
we're really gonna live it up ♪
- ♪ Hop on a bus that goes
across town ♪ -(dog barking)
♪ Get yourself a transfer... ♪
Oh.
You can still hear it, but
it's not quite as bad out here.
♪ Downtown's where we're
really gonna live it up... ♪
Oh, yes, dear, what can I do...?
Herbie!
Herbie Willis!
- Oh, how are you?
- Just fine, Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, my goodness,
you look so prosperous.
What have you been doing?
Singing.
Oh, I knew you'd be a success
with that beautiful
voice of yours.
Oh, and those wonderful
ballads you used to sing.
Um, "Take Me Home
Again, Kathleen"
and "Home on the Range."
Not like those things
that ding-a-ling sings.
It's Ring A Ding.
Well, ring-a-ding-a-ling-a-ling.
His name is more
musical than his voice.
You don't like him?
Let me put it this way.
If I were to meet
him face-to-face, I'd...
Well, first I'd cut his hair
and then I'd go to
work on his vocal cords.
Well, tell me all
about yourself.
And-And what are you
doing back in Hooterville?
Right now I'm not quite sure.
- You know, this is a stroke of fate.
- Huh?
We're having a benefit
to raise funds for the
high school's athletic fund.
So would you sing for us?
Well, I don't think I...
Oh, please, Herbie, you'd
make it such a success,
and we need lots of money.
Well, I'd like to, but...
Oh, thank you, Herbie!
Wait till I tell the kids!
Boys, girls?
Boys and girls?
Quiet!
- (music stops)
- Thank you.
Now, I'd like you meet a really
famous singer, Herbie Willis.
How do you...? Who?
Herbie Willis.
What's a Herbie Willis?
Wait till you children
hear Herbie sing
"Bury Me Not on
the Lone Prairie."
- Bye.
- We'll be seeing you.
Uh, have you ever
made any records?
Uh, a few.
What is your latest?
If I told you the title,
you wouldn't believe it.
Herbie's gonna
sing at the benefit.
But we already wrote
King Ring A Ding
and asked him to appear.
Oh, you'll never hear from him.
Will they, Herbie?
Under the
circumstances, I doubt it.
♪ From this valley
they say you are going ♪
♪ We will miss
your bright eyes... ♪
Three days of this. Can't
he play anything else?
Oh, sure.
"Sweet Adeline,"
"Down by the Old Mill Stream,"
and "Waltz Me
Around Again, Willie."
And those are the newer ones.
♪ On our pathway a while ♪
♪ Come and sit by my side... ♪
- Hey, Kate.
- Shh.
♪ If you love me ♪
♪ Do not hasten
to bid me adieu... ♪
That Herbie...
has such a beautiful
voice, and it's so relaxing.
So is chloroform.
It works quicker.
Well, did you find out how
the ticket sale is going?
Sam Drucker and Newt Kiley
are having a ticket-selling contest.
The day before yesterday,
Newt hadn't sold any
and Sam had one maybe.
Now they're neck and neck.
Sam's maybe conked out.
KATE: You just wait
till the folks find out
that Herbie's singing.
The word's getting around.
Kate, you ought to get wise.
People don't like this
sweet singing anymore.
They want this rock and rye.
I think the girls are right.
You ought to try and
get that King Ring A Ding.
I told you he wouldn't come.
The least he could've
done is answer our letter.
I'm resigning from the
Ring A Ding Fan Club.
Why?
Because King Ring
A Ding is a rat fink.
Now, wait a second.
He's a double rat fink.
- But he's wonderful.
- What did he do?
We wrote him and asked
him to appear at the benefit,
and he ignored our letter.
Maybe he has a good excuse.
There's no excuse for rudeness.
If he didn't want to come,
the least he could do
is write us and tell us.
Girls, don't tell your mother,
but he is here.
Where?
Right here. I'm
King Ring A Ding.
- (laughter)
- But I am!
Herbie, you've been drinking
too much of Mom's lemonade.
I tell you, I'm
King Ring A Ding.
I didn't want to say so because
your mom can't stand him,
and I owe her a big favor.
Oh, Herbie, go away.
All right, I'll
prove that I'm him.
(music begins)
♪ Look me up when
you get downtown, baby ♪
♪ Downtown's where
we're really gonna live it up ♪
♪ Hop on a bus that
goes across town ♪
♪ Get yourself a transfer
and come on down ♪
- ♪ Live it up downtown ♪
- What a terrible imitation.
The worst.
- ♪ Live it up. ♪
- Turn that record off.
Well, that wasn't a record.
That was Herbie.
He's trying to imitate the
world's greatest singer.
Herbie, I'm surprised at you.
You'll ruin your
beautiful voice.
But I was just...
I never want to hear
you do that again.
No, ma'am.
Joe, you can't
send this message.
Why not?
It's insulting.
What's insulting about it?
"King Ring A Ding,
you are a bum."
Well, he is.
Well, you can't send this
over the telegraph wires.
Look, Sam, you're
a public conveyance.
You do as you're told.
- But, Joe...
- Look,
the girls wrote
him a nice letter,
asking him to appear,
and if he ain't got the common
decency to answer 'em,
I've got the common decency
to call him a bum, which he is.
Don't you want the
benefit to be a success?
- Sure.
- All right, send it.
Collect.
You did what?
I sent a telegram
to King Ring A Ding.
It'll burn his ears off.
- He'll show up.
- But we don't want him.
We've got Herbie.
The kids want King Ring A Ding.
No offense, Herbie,
but you just ain't
a good singer.
KATE: Joe.
What I meant is that
he-he ain't a good singer
in the kind of songs he sings.
Why don't you stay out of this?
I'm out of it.
King Ring A Ding will show up,
then they won't have
to listen to Herbie.
No offense, Herbie,
it's just that nobody
likes to listen to you.
KATE: I like to listen to him.
Well, now is your chance.
Sing something for her, Herbie.
But wait till I get
up to my room.
Look, Reece,
did you get a wire
from Hooterville?
Yep. It cost me $8.50
to find out you're a bum.
Well, I want you to
send them an answer.
I've got one all written,
if the telegraph
office will take it.
No, not that kind of answer.
Now, here's what
I want you to say...
This don't make sense.
Okay, okay.
I'll send it.
The answer to my
telegram arrived yet?
What's your name?
Please, Mr. Drucker,
it's important.
Here.
- What's it say?
- Is he coming?
Give me that. It's
addressed to me.
What does it say?
It says King Ring A Ding would
like to appear at your benefit,
but he won't appear
on the same bill
with a great singer
like Herbie Willis.
Sam, will you stop reading
my telegrams before I open 'em?
I didn't read it.
I just wrote it down
when they phoned
it in from Pixley.
Is that what it says?
- Yes.
- Give me that.
It ain't official
until I read it.
Girls, the King won't appear
if Herbie Willis
sings on the program.
Oh, that Herbie Willis.
If he weren't here, we
could get King Ring A Ding.
What are we going to do?
That's simple.
We'll just get rid
of Herbie Willis.
Uncle Joe.
No, not-not permanent.
We'll just give him a
temporary horse to combat.
Uncle Joe, we can't
do a thing like that.
And what have you got in mind?
Shh! You want to wake
up the whole house?
BOBBIE JO: Will
it work, Uncle Joe?
Of course it'll work.
It's based on the
scientific principal
of blowing air over ice.
We mean will it give
Herbie laryngitis?
JOE: Of course.
BETTY JO: I don't
think we should do this.
JOE: You want King Ring
A Ding to come, don't you?
- Yes.
- A little laryngitis never hurt nobody.
Turn on the fan.
That's about 32 degrees
below Fahrenheit.
Get some more ice.
(crows)
I'm gonna have to put some
more blankets on the beds.
It was awful cold last night.
You were probably dreaming
there was cold air
coming out of the furnace.
Why would I dream that?
I don't know.
Must've been something you had.
KATE: Morning, Herbie.
(whispering): Good
morning, everybody.
What's wrong with your voice?
I've got laryngitis.
I've got to send a telegram.
Gee, that's too bad, Herbie.
Now you won't be able to sing.
Well, of course he will.
We'll just doctor him up with
some hot water and honey.
Oh, that won't work.
Why not?
Well, uh... I'm
allergic to honey.
He's allergic to honey.
Well, we'll just think
of something else.
What do you want to do that for?
So he can sing at the benefit.
Oh, but, Mom, if
Herbie can't sing,
then we can get
King Ring A Ding.
Did either of you girls
have anything to
do with Herbie's...?
No, no. I always get laryngitis.
If you can get King
Ring A Ding, get him.
- (giggling)
- Oh!
It says, "Herbie
Willis has laryngitis.
Send the King."
Send them a telegram
saying the King will appear.
How can the King appear
if Herbie has laryngitis?
Which you don't have.
Well, I do have it but I don't.
Man, those small
towns must really swing.
Give me another reading on that.
Reece, now listen to me.
I don't have laryngitis.
They just think I have.
I'm going to sing
at the benefit.
Why, that double-crossing...
Let me waste all that ice
on a fake case of laryngitis.
Mom, you know how much
we've taken in for tonight?
Enough for football uniforms,
basketball uniforms,
baseball equipment...
And all because King
Ring A Ding is appearing.
Well, I wouldn't plan on
spending any of that money.
Not until you're sure
he's going to be here.
He'll be here.
You coming, Herbie?
(whispering): No. I'd
feel better staying here.
Is that all the
louder you can talk?
- Yeah.
- Come on out in the kitchen.
I've got something that
might fix that throat up.
Well, I don't know.
Come on. I'll be right back.
I got a little homemade
voice cooler in the basement.
Well, I don't really want any.
Of course you do.
Let me out of here!
Let me out!
I told you I could
cure your voice.
But you don't understand.
See you later.
Come on, let me out of here!
What do you think
you're doing, you idiot?
Come on, open up!
- Come on, let me out of here!
- What is that?
Herbie's taking a
get-your-voice-back exercise.
Keep it up, Herbie.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you know,
our star attraction
for this evening
is King Ring A Ding.
(cheering)
But before we start
the entertainment,
we'll hear from Charley
Pratt and Floyd Smoot.
(applause)
(music begins)
♪ Steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ Steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ It's a long, long track ♪
♪ But we're glad we're back ♪
♪ To steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ Steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ Steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ A pension plan
for a railroad man ♪
♪ Is a mighty fine
thing, they say... ♪
Did he get here yet?
- No.
- I told you.
Oh, he'll get here.
Where is he?
Let me out! Let me out!
And now for their
third number...
We want King Ring A Ding,
we want King Ring A Ding.
He'll be here.
(music begins)
♪ A pension plan
for a railroad man... ♪
(students jeering)
For their 15th number...
ALL: We want King Ring A Ding!
We want King Ring A Ding!
(shouting)
Mom, what are we going to do?
Well, you'd better give
'em back their money,
or we're going to have
to hold another benefit
to build a new high
school auditorium.
All right.
Wait! He's here!
Sorry I'm late, subjects.
I was unavoidably detained.
Never mind the excuses.
Get out there and ya-ya-ya.
(screaming)
Hasn't he got a beautiful voice?
How can you tell with
all that screaming?
Shh! I want to listen.
(screaming continues)
Thank you very
much, loyal subjects.
And for my next number,
I'm going to sing my
latest hit "Surfboard..."
(screaming resumes)
Isn't he the greatest?
One thing I'll say for him,
you can't tell when
he's singing off-key.
(grunting)
Uncle Joe, how could
you do a thing like that?
Locking poor
Herbie in the cellar.
Aw, he was faking
that laryngitis.
He was going to
foul up our benefit.
Oh...
Herbie?
Herbie, where are you?
Herbie, where...?
What...?
What are you-you...?
You're not Herbie.
You're that ding-a-dong.
Could you help me in, please?
I'm stuck.
Well, all right.
(Kate muttering)
(grunting)
Oh, I'm sorry, Herbie.
Herbie?!
But this is... You
mean... you're him?
Yes, ma'am.
Why, Herbie Willis.
Mrs. Bradley, nobody
wants to hear Herbie Willis.
Can you forgive me?
Well, after all,
you did raise a lot of
money, and the kids liked you.
Thank you.
Herbie, could you do me a favor?
Sure, anything.
Would you sing one of
the songs you sang tonight?
You mean you like them?
No, I just want to know
what the words are.
(Herbie singing in distance)
♪ Baby, let's make
it a date downtown ♪
♪ Look me up... ♪
Listen to Herbie doing
that corny imitation for Mom.
♪ Downtown's where we're
really gonna live it up. ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
(pop music playing)
♪ Look me up when
you get downtown, baby ♪
♪ Downtown's where
we're really gonna live it up ♪
♪ Hop on a bus that
goes across town... ♪
All right, girls!
Boys, that's enough.
Boys and girls, girls
and boys, boys and gir...
♪ Look me up when
you get down... ♪
(music stops)
Hey! Hey, wait a second.
What's the matter?
Somebody stole
the record player.
I didn't think you'd notice.
Gosh, Mrs. Bradley,
don't you like music?
I didn't hear any music.
But, Mrs. Bradley, that
was King Ring A Ding!
Henrietta, you're putting me on.
He's the biggest
recording star in the world.
What world?
Can we have the
record player back?
No. I need the
lobby for the, uh,
every-other-Wednesday-afternoon
discussion club.
Are you gonna make plans
for the high school benefit?
Mm-hmm.
Have you got any ideas?
We're having a square dance.
Oh, you mean like
do-si-do and away we go?
Very funny. Very funny.
Mom, none of the kids will
buy tickets to a square dance.
Why don't we get
King Ring A Ding?
We're having a square dance.
But, Mom, that's for old folks.
Oh, I didn't mean you.
I meant the other old folks.
I mean, the other old folks
who aren't as old as you.
I mean... It's gonna
be very interesting
to see how you're gonna
get yourself out of this.
How about getting
King Ring A Ding?
I don't know why
the Ladies Club should
take over the benefit anyway.
It's for our high
school football team.
Well, who raised the money
for the high school
gymnasium equipment?
The Ladies Club.
But that doesn't mean
- that we have to take over...
- At least have
a little faith in us.
We have lots of faith
in you, Mrs. Bradley.
It's just that there must be a
better idea than a square dance.
How about getting
King Ring A Ding?
Yeah, I think that'd
be a good idea.
- Out, out, out, out.
- (overlapping chatter)
- Out, out, out, out, out, out.
- That's a good idea.
Oh, darling, I
don't want to go in.
You know I hate
to join anything.
I know, Lisa, but
this is a great honor.
These women have
asked you to join their club.
This means they've accepted you
as a member of the
Hooterville community.
Well, I'm very
flattered, but, dar...
Well, you should be.
After all, they don't
ask everybody to join
their every-other-Wednesday-
afternoon discussion club.
But I-I may not have anything to
discuss every other Wednesday.
And I may have something
to discuss on the Wednesdays
when they don't
have any discussion.
Or I might have something
to discuss on a Tuesday...
Stop stalling.
Oh, darling.
If you're nervous,
I'll go in with you.
Oh, good, come on.
Kate, when is the
meeting going to start?
As soon as Mrs.
Douglas gets here.
Well, why do we
have to wait for...?
Oh, Mrs. Douglas! Why,
how nice to see you.
I'm so glad you could come.
Thank you.
- Mr. Douglas.
- Yes, thank you, thank you.
I'll wait outside.
No, no, no, please, please stay.
Oh, do. It would be so nice
to have a man's point of view
with our woman's discussion.
No, I think I'd better...
Darling, do sit down.
(sighs)
The meeting will
now come to order.
And 'cause we have a
lot of business to discuss,
we'll dispense with the
reading of the minutes.
Just a minute, Kate,
you cannot dispense
with the reading of the minutes
until somebody makes that
motion, and we all vote on it.
Isn't that right, Mr. Douglas?
Well, Mrs. Finney,
according to
parliamentary procedure...
You see?
All right, Tillie, I
make the motion...
Point of order.
The chairwoman
cannot make a motion.
Isn't that right, Mr. Douglas?
Oh, I think that... Thank you.
Um, I'll make the motion.
I move that we dispense
with the reading of the minutes.
All those in favor?
The motion has been
carried unanimously.
Just a minute. It
was not unanimous.
Mr. Douglas did not
have his hand up.
No, no, I'm not a
member, Mrs. Finney.
Please, Mr. Douglas,
I have the floor.
Tillie, how would you like
to move a little
closer to the gavel?
And now we have to discuss
some very important new business.
What about old business?
We'll talk about you later.
As you all know, uh, we
have to raise some money
for the Hooterville
High football team.
And before we decide
on a square dance...
We're not going to
have a square dance.
Tillie, you're out of order.
Madam "Charwoman"... Chairwoman.
Yes, Mrs. Douglas?
Once in New York, we
raised $60,000 one evening.
- $60,000?!
- Mm-hmm.
How did you do that?
Well, we auctioned
off all our mink coats.
Are there any other suggestions?
(all murmuring)
Now, one at a time, please.
Order. Order. One at a time.
Uh, Madam Chairwoman,
I have a suggestion.
You are not going to suggest
that stale Gay
Nineties party again?
Stale?
I'm glad you agree.
Now, uh, to get back
to the square dance.
Nobody will ever
come to a square dance.
Will they, Mr. Douglas?
Oh, I would imagine...
I'm glad you agree.
Oliver once had the great
idea how to raise money.
Uh, we all got together
and chartered...
They tried that at Pixley.
They lost their shirts.
Tillie, would you please
let Mr. Douglas tell us
what he lost his shirt on?!
Not that he lost his shirt.
His shirt is probably... Oh!
Go on, Mr. Doug...
Let the minutes show
that Mr. Douglas sneaked
out at exactly 4:12.
A square dance?
Well, it was either that or a Gay
Nineties party, and Mom won.
You call that winning?
Boy, if she expects us
to buy tickets for that...
I've been thinking
about King Ring A Ding.
Mmm, so have I.
No, no, I mean about
getting him to come here.
Stop dreaming.
He might. Well, after all,
he's always doing benefits.
And we're the charter members
of the Hooterville branch
of the Ring A Ding Fan Club.
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt
- to write him a letter and ask him.
- Great!
"And if you would
appear at our benefit,
"it would make it a
smashing success.
"And we'd be able
to buy uniforms
for the Hooterville High
School football team." (laughs)
They got to be kidding, eh?
- Reece, wait a minute.
- Huh?
Did you say Hooterville?
I couldn't make up a
name like that, King.
That's my alma mater.
Come on.
I graduated from
Hooterville High.
Who's that letter from?
It's a Billie Jo, Bobbie
Jo, and Betty Jo Bradley.
Those are Mrs.
Bradley's daughters.
Why, she was the one
who encouraged me to sing.
She even lent me the $20
so I could get to Chicago
for my first audition.
So I'll send her a check.
No, no, if I can help them
out, it's the least I can do.
Look, King, every
cockamamy benefit would like
to have King Ring A Ding.
They don't even know
I'm King Ring A Ding.
Back there everybody
knows me as Herbie Willis.
You promised never
to use that hokey name.
I'm sorry, but that's who I am.
Herbie Willis.
(pop music playing)
♪ Look me up when you
get downtown, baby... ♪
(sighs)
♪ Downtown's where
we're really gonna live it up ♪
- ♪ Hop on a bus that goes
across town ♪ -(dog barking)
♪ Get yourself a transfer... ♪
Oh.
You can still hear it, but
it's not quite as bad out here.
♪ Downtown's where we're
really gonna live it up... ♪
Oh, yes, dear, what can I do...?
Herbie!
Herbie Willis!
- Oh, how are you?
- Just fine, Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, my goodness,
you look so prosperous.
What have you been doing?
Singing.
Oh, I knew you'd be a success
with that beautiful
voice of yours.
Oh, and those wonderful
ballads you used to sing.
Um, "Take Me Home
Again, Kathleen"
and "Home on the Range."
Not like those things
that ding-a-ling sings.
It's Ring A Ding.
Well, ring-a-ding-a-ling-a-ling.
His name is more
musical than his voice.
You don't like him?
Let me put it this way.
If I were to meet
him face-to-face, I'd...
Well, first I'd cut his hair
and then I'd go to
work on his vocal cords.
Well, tell me all
about yourself.
And-And what are you
doing back in Hooterville?
Right now I'm not quite sure.
- You know, this is a stroke of fate.
- Huh?
We're having a benefit
to raise funds for the
high school's athletic fund.
So would you sing for us?
Well, I don't think I...
Oh, please, Herbie, you'd
make it such a success,
and we need lots of money.
Well, I'd like to, but...
Oh, thank you, Herbie!
Wait till I tell the kids!
Boys, girls?
Boys and girls?
Quiet!
- (music stops)
- Thank you.
Now, I'd like you meet a really
famous singer, Herbie Willis.
How do you...? Who?
Herbie Willis.
What's a Herbie Willis?
Wait till you children
hear Herbie sing
"Bury Me Not on
the Lone Prairie."
- Bye.
- We'll be seeing you.
Uh, have you ever
made any records?
Uh, a few.
What is your latest?
If I told you the title,
you wouldn't believe it.
Herbie's gonna
sing at the benefit.
But we already wrote
King Ring A Ding
and asked him to appear.
Oh, you'll never hear from him.
Will they, Herbie?
Under the
circumstances, I doubt it.
♪ From this valley
they say you are going ♪
♪ We will miss
your bright eyes... ♪
Three days of this. Can't
he play anything else?
Oh, sure.
"Sweet Adeline,"
"Down by the Old Mill Stream,"
and "Waltz Me
Around Again, Willie."
And those are the newer ones.
♪ On our pathway a while ♪
♪ Come and sit by my side... ♪
- Hey, Kate.
- Shh.
♪ If you love me ♪
♪ Do not hasten
to bid me adieu... ♪
That Herbie...
has such a beautiful
voice, and it's so relaxing.
So is chloroform.
It works quicker.
Well, did you find out how
the ticket sale is going?
Sam Drucker and Newt Kiley
are having a ticket-selling contest.
The day before yesterday,
Newt hadn't sold any
and Sam had one maybe.
Now they're neck and neck.
Sam's maybe conked out.
KATE: You just wait
till the folks find out
that Herbie's singing.
The word's getting around.
Kate, you ought to get wise.
People don't like this
sweet singing anymore.
They want this rock and rye.
I think the girls are right.
You ought to try and
get that King Ring A Ding.
I told you he wouldn't come.
The least he could've
done is answer our letter.
I'm resigning from the
Ring A Ding Fan Club.
Why?
Because King Ring
A Ding is a rat fink.
Now, wait a second.
He's a double rat fink.
- But he's wonderful.
- What did he do?
We wrote him and asked
him to appear at the benefit,
and he ignored our letter.
Maybe he has a good excuse.
There's no excuse for rudeness.
If he didn't want to come,
the least he could do
is write us and tell us.
Girls, don't tell your mother,
but he is here.
Where?
Right here. I'm
King Ring A Ding.
- (laughter)
- But I am!
Herbie, you've been drinking
too much of Mom's lemonade.
I tell you, I'm
King Ring A Ding.
I didn't want to say so because
your mom can't stand him,
and I owe her a big favor.
Oh, Herbie, go away.
All right, I'll
prove that I'm him.
(music begins)
♪ Look me up when
you get downtown, baby ♪
♪ Downtown's where
we're really gonna live it up ♪
♪ Hop on a bus that
goes across town ♪
♪ Get yourself a transfer
and come on down ♪
- ♪ Live it up downtown ♪
- What a terrible imitation.
The worst.
- ♪ Live it up. ♪
- Turn that record off.
Well, that wasn't a record.
That was Herbie.
He's trying to imitate the
world's greatest singer.
Herbie, I'm surprised at you.
You'll ruin your
beautiful voice.
But I was just...
I never want to hear
you do that again.
No, ma'am.
Joe, you can't
send this message.
Why not?
It's insulting.
What's insulting about it?
"King Ring A Ding,
you are a bum."
Well, he is.
Well, you can't send this
over the telegraph wires.
Look, Sam, you're
a public conveyance.
You do as you're told.
- But, Joe...
- Look,
the girls wrote
him a nice letter,
asking him to appear,
and if he ain't got the common
decency to answer 'em,
I've got the common decency
to call him a bum, which he is.
Don't you want the
benefit to be a success?
- Sure.
- All right, send it.
Collect.
You did what?
I sent a telegram
to King Ring A Ding.
It'll burn his ears off.
- He'll show up.
- But we don't want him.
We've got Herbie.
The kids want King Ring A Ding.
No offense, Herbie,
but you just ain't
a good singer.
KATE: Joe.
What I meant is that
he-he ain't a good singer
in the kind of songs he sings.
Why don't you stay out of this?
I'm out of it.
King Ring A Ding will show up,
then they won't have
to listen to Herbie.
No offense, Herbie,
it's just that nobody
likes to listen to you.
KATE: I like to listen to him.
Well, now is your chance.
Sing something for her, Herbie.
But wait till I get
up to my room.
Look, Reece,
did you get a wire
from Hooterville?
Yep. It cost me $8.50
to find out you're a bum.
Well, I want you to
send them an answer.
I've got one all written,
if the telegraph
office will take it.
No, not that kind of answer.
Now, here's what
I want you to say...
This don't make sense.
Okay, okay.
I'll send it.
The answer to my
telegram arrived yet?
What's your name?
Please, Mr. Drucker,
it's important.
Here.
- What's it say?
- Is he coming?
Give me that. It's
addressed to me.
What does it say?
It says King Ring A Ding would
like to appear at your benefit,
but he won't appear
on the same bill
with a great singer
like Herbie Willis.
Sam, will you stop reading
my telegrams before I open 'em?
I didn't read it.
I just wrote it down
when they phoned
it in from Pixley.
Is that what it says?
- Yes.
- Give me that.
It ain't official
until I read it.
Girls, the King won't appear
if Herbie Willis
sings on the program.
Oh, that Herbie Willis.
If he weren't here, we
could get King Ring A Ding.
What are we going to do?
That's simple.
We'll just get rid
of Herbie Willis.
Uncle Joe.
No, not-not permanent.
We'll just give him a
temporary horse to combat.
Uncle Joe, we can't
do a thing like that.
And what have you got in mind?
Shh! You want to wake
up the whole house?
BOBBIE JO: Will
it work, Uncle Joe?
Of course it'll work.
It's based on the
scientific principal
of blowing air over ice.
We mean will it give
Herbie laryngitis?
JOE: Of course.
BETTY JO: I don't
think we should do this.
JOE: You want King Ring
A Ding to come, don't you?
- Yes.
- A little laryngitis never hurt nobody.
Turn on the fan.
That's about 32 degrees
below Fahrenheit.
Get some more ice.
(crows)
I'm gonna have to put some
more blankets on the beds.
It was awful cold last night.
You were probably dreaming
there was cold air
coming out of the furnace.
Why would I dream that?
I don't know.
Must've been something you had.
KATE: Morning, Herbie.
(whispering): Good
morning, everybody.
What's wrong with your voice?
I've got laryngitis.
I've got to send a telegram.
Gee, that's too bad, Herbie.
Now you won't be able to sing.
Well, of course he will.
We'll just doctor him up with
some hot water and honey.
Oh, that won't work.
Why not?
Well, uh... I'm
allergic to honey.
He's allergic to honey.
Well, we'll just think
of something else.
What do you want to do that for?
So he can sing at the benefit.
Oh, but, Mom, if
Herbie can't sing,
then we can get
King Ring A Ding.
Did either of you girls
have anything to
do with Herbie's...?
No, no. I always get laryngitis.
If you can get King
Ring A Ding, get him.
- (giggling)
- Oh!
It says, "Herbie
Willis has laryngitis.
Send the King."
Send them a telegram
saying the King will appear.
How can the King appear
if Herbie has laryngitis?
Which you don't have.
Well, I do have it but I don't.
Man, those small
towns must really swing.
Give me another reading on that.
Reece, now listen to me.
I don't have laryngitis.
They just think I have.
I'm going to sing
at the benefit.
Why, that double-crossing...
Let me waste all that ice
on a fake case of laryngitis.
Mom, you know how much
we've taken in for tonight?
Enough for football uniforms,
basketball uniforms,
baseball equipment...
And all because King
Ring A Ding is appearing.
Well, I wouldn't plan on
spending any of that money.
Not until you're sure
he's going to be here.
He'll be here.
You coming, Herbie?
(whispering): No. I'd
feel better staying here.
Is that all the
louder you can talk?
- Yeah.
- Come on out in the kitchen.
I've got something that
might fix that throat up.
Well, I don't know.
Come on. I'll be right back.
I got a little homemade
voice cooler in the basement.
Well, I don't really want any.
Of course you do.
Let me out of here!
Let me out!
I told you I could
cure your voice.
But you don't understand.
See you later.
Come on, let me out of here!
What do you think
you're doing, you idiot?
Come on, open up!
- Come on, let me out of here!
- What is that?
Herbie's taking a
get-your-voice-back exercise.
Keep it up, Herbie.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you know,
our star attraction
for this evening
is King Ring A Ding.
(cheering)
But before we start
the entertainment,
we'll hear from Charley
Pratt and Floyd Smoot.
(applause)
(music begins)
♪ Steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ Steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ It's a long, long track ♪
♪ But we're glad we're back ♪
♪ To steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ Steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ Steam, cinders and smoke ♪
♪ A pension plan
for a railroad man ♪
♪ Is a mighty fine
thing, they say... ♪
Did he get here yet?
- No.
- I told you.
Oh, he'll get here.
Where is he?
Let me out! Let me out!
And now for their
third number...
We want King Ring A Ding,
we want King Ring A Ding.
He'll be here.
(music begins)
♪ A pension plan
for a railroad man... ♪
(students jeering)
For their 15th number...
ALL: We want King Ring A Ding!
We want King Ring A Ding!
(shouting)
Mom, what are we going to do?
Well, you'd better give
'em back their money,
or we're going to have
to hold another benefit
to build a new high
school auditorium.
All right.
Wait! He's here!
Sorry I'm late, subjects.
I was unavoidably detained.
Never mind the excuses.
Get out there and ya-ya-ya.
(screaming)
Hasn't he got a beautiful voice?
How can you tell with
all that screaming?
Shh! I want to listen.
(screaming continues)
Thank you very
much, loyal subjects.
And for my next number,
I'm going to sing my
latest hit "Surfboard..."
(screaming resumes)
Isn't he the greatest?
One thing I'll say for him,
you can't tell when
he's singing off-key.
(grunting)
Uncle Joe, how could
you do a thing like that?
Locking poor
Herbie in the cellar.
Aw, he was faking
that laryngitis.
He was going to
foul up our benefit.
Oh...
Herbie?
Herbie, where are you?
Herbie, where...?
What...?
What are you-you...?
You're not Herbie.
You're that ding-a-dong.
Could you help me in, please?
I'm stuck.
Well, all right.
(Kate muttering)
(grunting)
Oh, I'm sorry, Herbie.
Herbie?!
But this is... You
mean... you're him?
Yes, ma'am.
Why, Herbie Willis.
Mrs. Bradley, nobody
wants to hear Herbie Willis.
Can you forgive me?
Well, after all,
you did raise a lot of
money, and the kids liked you.
Thank you.
Herbie, could you do me a favor?
Sure, anything.
Would you sing one of
the songs you sang tonight?
You mean you like them?
No, I just want to know
what the words are.
(Herbie singing in distance)
♪ Baby, let's make
it a date downtown ♪
♪ Look me up... ♪
Listen to Herbie doing
that corny imitation for Mom.
♪ Downtown's where we're
really gonna live it up. ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.