Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 7 - A Doctor in the House - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(brakes screech)

Is this the Shady Rest?

No, this is just
where the train stops.

You got to walk up
that path to the hotel.

Thank you.



Excuse me. You mind if
I asked you something?

Is that a doctor's bag?

That's right.

- Who's it belong to?
- Me.

Oh, somebody
sick up at the hotel?

(chuckling): No.

You on a vacation?

- No. - Well, uh... No.

Excuse me, please.

Dr. Mathew Bailey.

Yes, I'm here in
answer to your letter.

Letter? I don't
remember any letter.

It was in answer to my
ad in the medical journal,

offering medical services
in exchange for office space.

Medical... May I
see that, please?

Hmm.

It's typed.

"Mr. Mathew Bailey, M.D.

"Dear M.D.,

"In answer to your ad
in the medical journal...

"J-E-R..." N-E-L...

"um, come on out
to the Shady Rest

and see the 'manger ""?

I'm sure that's meant
to be "manager."

You were probably in a hurry.

You even forgot to sign it.

I also forgot to write it.

Well, if you didn't
send the letter, who did?

Yes, Uncle Joe, who did?

Oh, I was just
brushing these curtains.

Come over here
for a second, please.

I'll be glad to.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

We ought to have a
doctor around here, Kate.

Uncle Joe, this is
Dr. Mathew Bailey.

Hi.

Doctor?

That was mighty
thoughtful of you, Kate,

when you didn't even
know I was that sick.

Doc, I got this
shooting pain in my hip.

Hold it.

You're gonna have some
brand-new symptoms in a minute.

Dr. Bailey came out
here in answer to an ad

he had in the medical journal,

offering medical
services for office space.

Medical journal? What's that?

That's the magazine you read

while you were waiting
in Doc Stuart's office

for him to show up
to the pinochle game.

Oh, is that what I read?

You wrote this letter.

How do you know?

It's written in typewriting.

Joe, you can't
disguise your spelling.

Okay, it was me.

Somebody's got to show a
little initiation around here.

It's a great idea having
a doctor in the hotel.

The girls are always
coming down with something,

and your lumbago.

I haven't got lumbago.

Now you can have it
and don't have to worry.

Mrs. Bradley, there's
obviously been a mistake.

I'll get back to town.

No, no, just a minute.

The Cannonball won't be
back for a couple of hours,

and after dragging you
out here on a fool's errand,

the least we can do is
ask you to stay for supper.

Oh, thanks. That,
that isn't necessary.

I think it's only fair,

unless Uncle Joe wants
to pay you for a house call.

Oh, h-he'll stay.

We ain't licked yet.

You go on upstairs and wash
up, and don't worry about a thing.

You got me in your corner.

Kate, it's time for a
little sensible talking.

Well, I'm willing, but,
uh, who can I talk to?

Don't you realize what it
would mean for business

if we had a house
doctor for the guests?

What guests?

The ones that will be
coming from all around

looking for a nice
place to get sick.

Oh, yeah, we could
run a weekend special:

room, board and minor surgery.

Now you're thinking.

We could advertise that...

Uncle Joe, why don't
you go finish your nap?

I finished it.

Well, um, get
started on tomorrow's.

Oh, I peeled this
potato for you.

Mm-hmm.

You ought to read
this almanac, Kate.

Do you know how many people

have accidents in
their home every year?

25 million.

Do you know how many people
have at least one cold a year?

75 million.

That's forgetting the
ones that have seconds.

That comes to a
hundred million people

we've got to draw from.

That's not even scratching
stomachaches, backaches...

Headaches.

You got one?
I'll call the doctor.

Uncle Joe, the answer is no.

I never knew anyone could
be so doggone stubborn.

Can't you see what this...?

Looks like we
interrupted an argument.

If we promise to sit
quietly, can we listen?

Your Uncle Joe
thinks the Shady Rest

needs a house doctor.

What for?

It's the silliest
thing I ever heard.

BILLIE JO: It's ridiculous.

Hi, Doc.

Well, so you're the
new house doctor.

Hi, my name's Betty Jo.

Hi, I'm Bobbie Jo.

Are you good at baseball?

Do you read poetry?

(talking at once)

Come on, girls,
supper's on the table.

I hope you understand
it's nothing personal.

It's just that we don't
need a doctor around here.

At least that's what I thought.

Away from the sink, Mom.

I'll wash.

- I'll wipe.
- And I'll nag.

Now, Mom, about Dr. Bailey...

Girls, you're wasting your time.

Mom, he's so handsome.

He speaks so beautiful
and he's so well-read.

And he said he'd
play ball with me later.

Oh, well, instead of a doctor,

maybe we should get a young,
good-looking baseball player

who went to Harvard.

We're not just
thinking of ourselves.

What about all the
people in Hooterville?

Well, you know that they're
not gonna leave old Doc Stuart

and come way out here.

- (talking at once)
- Wait a minute.

Girls, I like Dr. Bailey.

He's a very nice young man

and he's probably
a good doctor, but...

Oh, great, Mom, I'll tell him.

What'd I say?

JOE: What do you think of it?

You've got the initials
in the wrong place.

It should be Mathew M.D. Bailey.

That M.D. stands for
Doctor of Medicine.

Well, then shouldn't it be D.M.?

Give me a hand with
this door, will you, Floyd?

I want to get the doc's
office fixed up today

so he can start
practicing on his patients.

More reference books.

He said these were all he had.

I found these in my closet.

The Bobbsey Twins at Camp David.

And How to Field
Grounders by Pepper Martin.

What kind of medical
books are those?

Well, in this one,

both the Bobbsey
Twins get the measles.

What is that supposed to be?

An operating table.

The patients have got to
have a place to lie down

- when he's operating on them.
- Oh!

Well, I'm afraid
all of his operating

is going to be
taking out splinters.

Let's put a sheet on it, huh?

Well,

you couldn't have timed
it any better, Doctor.

I just hung up your diploma.

(sighs)

H-How do you like it?

Oh, it-it's just perfect.

I don't know how to thank
you people, all of you.

You've made me feel
like one of the family.

Well, with three daughters,

this is the
closest I'll ever get

to talking about
my son, the doctor.

I had Bobbie make the sign.

No sense in having all them
sick people wait around half a day

till the doc can see 'em.

There, that ought to do it.

Thanks.

This old glove is
practically falling apart.

Pneumonia!

That ought to bring 'em in.

Now all we got to do
is work out a schedule

so the patients know
which sickness gets

them the most stamps.

What patients?

Since he opened up his office,
we're the only ones he's had.

And I'm beginning to feel
silly every time I go in there

with nothing the matter with me.

Well, I've been in for
my annual checkup

three times in the
last two weeks.

Well, we can't give up now.

This health epidemic
can't last forever.

Well, I wish some
traveling salesmen

would stop by the hotel.

Then maybe they could spread
the word around when they left.

That's it, traveling salesmen.

Well, that's what I said,
but where are they?

Right here.

We have to think of Dr. Bailey

as, as one of
those new products.

And how do you
sell a new product?

You send salesmen
out on the road.

Hey, yeah, hey,
that's a great idea.

JOE: Hey, Newt.

Where you headed, Newt?

To see Doc Stuart.

You ever thought
of using Doc Bailey

out at the Shady Rest?

But I've been coming
to Doc Stuart for years.

You're in a rut.

What you need is
a younger doctor.

Do you realize that
Doc Stuart graduated

from medical school
over 30 years ago?

Do you know how
many new diseases

have been invented since then?

How many?

That ain't the point.

Have you been sick recently?

Doc Stuart treated me
for a cold two weeks ago.

Colds are old-fashioned.

If you was going to Doc Bailey,
you could have your choice

of instant flu or
eight-day virus.

Sounds pretty expensive.

Doc Stuart only charges
me two dollars a visit.

I can get you Doc
Bailey for a buck.

Just tell him Joe sent you.

Thanks, Joe.

I'll think about it
next time I get sick.

What do you mean?

What are you going
into Doc Stuart's for?

We're gonna play pinochle.

Shiftless.

But, Betty Jo, I
don't need a doctor.

But...

FLOYD: Hey, Charley, I
forgot to pick up the mail.

Oh, you lamebrain.

That's the fourth time
this week you've done that.

I don't know why I
keep working with him.

I ought to have
my head examined.

See? You do need a doctor.

Boy, the way Charley
keeps bossing me around,

he gives me a pain in the neck.

Before it gets any worse,
you ought to see Dr. Bailey.

(whistle blowing)

(hammering)

Hello, Mr. Douglas.

Well, Billie Jo, how are you?

- How are you?
- Oh, fine, thank you.

Have you had a physical lately?

Physical?

Uh, yes, in New York.

Oh, well, have you had
a Hooterville physical?

What's the difference?

Well, when someone comes
from New York to Hooterville,

there's a terrific
difference in climate.

Oh, there certainly is.

I've never felt
better in my life.

Oh, that's too bad.

I mean, well,

since you're feeling
good, I-I won't bother you.

How is Mrs. Douglas?

Oh, she's fine, thank you.

Oh. How's your dog?

Fine.

Well, what about, um...

Eb? Eb... he's great.

And the cow is in
wonderful shape, too.

Then, I guess I'm
just wasting my time.

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.

(hammering)

- (crash)
- Ooh!

Mr. Douglas, what did you break?

The shutter.

Oh, hi, Joe.

I'm looking for Sam Drucker.

Huh?

Sam Drucker. You
know where he is?

Well, who do you think I am?

Wait a minute.

That voice is familiar.

No, it couldn't be.

You ain't the Sam
Drucker I used to know.

He was a big, strong,
healthy hunk of man.

Do you want to see me
throw you out of here?

You are Sam Drucker.

But what's happened?

You got so skinny.

I've weighed the same
for the last 20 years.

Got one of them long,
lingering illnesses.

You'd better see a doctor
while it's still lingering.

And of course I should see
the doctor up at the Shady Rest.

If we can squeeze you in.

I might be able to arrange it

since you're a
good friend of mine.

Well, that's the first
sensible thing you've said.

Anybody who's a good friend
of yours should see a doctor.

(phone rings)

Sam Drucker's General Store.

Oh, hello, Touhey.

Yeah.

- It came in today.
- Touhey Benson.

He had a bad case of
appendicitis a few years ago.

Let me talk to him.

Hi, Touhey, old buddy.

Yeah, I hear you ain't
been feeling so good.

Oh, you are?

Well, you want to watch out
for them good health symptoms.

That's a sure sign of
an approaching illness.

Say, Touhey, uh, you
still got your appendix?

Oh, you have?

How'd you like to have
somebody take it off your hands?

Well, you want to wait till you
can find a good surgeon, huh?

Uh, say, Touhey,

how'd you like to
come out to Shady Rest

for supper some night?

I got a great idea.

It's the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard of.

Kate, why is it, every
time I get a good idea,

you think it's ridiculous?

Why is it, every time
you get a ridiculous idea,

you think it's good?

The girls liked it.

I'm sure they did.

And I'm beginning to see
why they got me out of the hotel

and said they'd fix supper.

Well, what's wrong with that?

You've been working too hard.

Uncle Joe, whenever you worry

about me working too hard,

it seems that I wind
up working too hard.

This time it's
gonna be different.

It certainly is, 'cause
you're going into town

and tell Touhey not to come.

Evening, folks.

Hi, Touhey.

Well, it sure was
nice of you folks

to ask me out here to supper.

Well, I figure there's nothing
like having your friends around

when you ain't feeling too good.

Joe, I-I told you on
the phone, I feel fine.

Now, tell the truth, Touhey.

Do you feel fine all
over or just in places?

Well, every once in a
while, my appendix rears up

and lets out a whinny.

Lets out a whinny, huh?

What do you think, Doc?

I couldn't say without
an examination.

Have you seen a surgeon?

Well, th-that's
Touhey's problem.

He won't just let any old
surgeon operate on him.

He wants to make
sure the guy knows

what he's doing, right, Touhey?

That's right.

All right, girls,
bring on the supper.

Uh, want me to do the carving?

Don't be silly.

When we have one
of the finest doctors

in the state
sitting at our table?

Dr. Bailey, wanted in surgery.

Just a minute...
I'll be glad to carve,

but I don't know the
first thing about it.

I never... Wait a
minute, this is...

Mrs. Bradley, would
you please stop...?

All right, Doctor,
the patient is ready.

Uh-uh. We sterilized
all the instruments.

- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

Scalpel.

- Forceps.
- Forceps.

Forceps.

You have no choice, Doc.

Remember the Hippocratic oath.

(shushes) Kate, you
know better than to talk

to a doctor when he's operating.

One slip of the
knife and... (clicks)

I don't think the
patient is in any position

to care one way or another.

Touhey, look at them
surgeon's fingers.

Like he was born
with a knife in his hand.

Would you like to
cut the stitches now

so you can get at the stuffing?

Why not?

Boy, that really
was a good meal.

Never mind the meal.

Didn't Doc Bailey do
a great job of carving?

Say, he sure did.

You know, I might
want him to do a job

for me one of these days.

You mean, you'll let him
take out your appendix?

No, I'll let him carve my
turkey for me on Thanksgiving.

I think the reason Doc
Bailey isn't getting any patients

is 'cause everybody
thinks he's too young.

I know what you mean.

They told me I was too
young when I started.

I might have waited a long time

except for an emergency

that took old Doc
Hamlin out of town.

What happened?

Well, when he was away,

Granny Campbell came
down with pneumonia.

I pulled her through.

Word got around,
and from then on,

I was in.

I see.

Well... (laughs)

Much obliged for
your advice, Doc.

I'm afraid I haven't
been of much help,

but if there's
anything I can do, uh...

When are you planning
on going out of town?

(groaning)

Ooh.

What is it, Kate?

Uncle Joe, I don't feel good.

What hurts you?

Well, my, my head and my feet

and everything in between.

Hey, hey, Kate, keep calm.

- Yeah.
- Don't get excited.

Don't worry about
a thing... I'm around.

I'll take you up to your room.

Just leave everything to me.

Uh, the stairs are that way.

Oh, oh, sure.

Yeah.

I just didn't want to
make too sharp a turn.

Okay, Uncle Joe, I, uh,

I can manage to get to my room.

Just, uh, send Doc
Bailey right up, huh?

H-He ain't around, Kate.

He went into town
a little while ago.

Oh?

Well, y-y-y-you
got to go get him.

Take the handcar. Tell
him it's an emergency.

Right, right. Right, Kate.

(whistling)

(moaning)

What is it, Mom? You
don't look so good.

Oh, good.

Hey, Sam, have
you seen Doc Bailey?

- No, I haven't.
- I got to find him.

Kate's real sick.

Could hardly
crawl up the stairs.

(both grunt)

What's up, Sam?

It's Kate.

I think something
happened to her on the stairs.

Yeah, Kate fell down
a whole flight of stairs.

She rolled right
down into the cellar.

Keep a-feeding
that boiler, Floyd.

We got to get the doc out
to Kate's before it's too late.

Charley, don't talk like that.

She's just got to pull through.

JOE: Doc's here, Kate.

- (door opens)
- (groans)

Oh, oh, Doc Bailey, I'm
sure glad you could make it.

I've got an awful...

What are you doing here?

Well, Joe said it
was an emergency.

Well, yeah, but he was
supposed to bring back Doc Bailey.

He couldn't find him.
Now let me look at you.

B-But I want a
young modern doctor.

But I've always examined you.

Yeah, but that was
when I was sick.

When I'm well, I want
a young modern doctor.

Now, look here, Joe got me out

of a poker game to come here.

I threw away three queens
and two aces when I came.

That's a full house...
I'm sorry, Doc.

Th-There's nothing
wrong with me.

I just wanted to be Doc
Bailey's Granny Campbell,

so's he could cure me,
and then folks wouldn't mind

so much about his being young.

Has Joe heard this story?

Are you kidding?

Sharing a secret
with Uncle Joe is like

putting it on
that Telstar thing.

Well, I guess I'll just
have to wait for Dr. Bailey

to diagnose this
serious illness of yours.

How is she, Doc?

It beats me.

I've got to tell you,
I never ran across

a case like this before.

Don't the symptoms
tell you anything?

Some of her symptoms,
you wouldn't believe.

(door opens)

Uh, what I need is a young
modern doctor to consult with.

You don't know where
I can find one, do you?

How about Doc Bailey?

Well, yes. Come on, son.

Pulse and respiration normal.

(groans)

Lungs clear, heartbeat regular.

Ooh!

Baffling, isn't it?

All right, exactly
where is the pain?

Well, it... (groans)

s-sort of starts up here

and it-it crosses my back

and d-down my hip
and it sort of winds up

on my knee.

Anything else?

Well, uh, when I breathe,

there's a whistle in my ear.

Which ear? That
might be very important.

The right?

Ah, well, as long
as it wasn't the left.

Oh, well, come to think of it,

it is the left.

See how sick I am?

I can't tell my
right from my left.

What have I got, Doc?

Well, according
to your symptoms,

your appendix is
attached to your kneecap,

and you're breathing
through your ears.

I'd say you have a pretty
advanced case of "fakeritis."

Huh?

There's not a thing wrong
with you and you know it.

Well, okay, but
nobody else does.

Look, I know what
you're trying to do for me,

and I appreciate it.

But I want nothing
more to do with this...

this emergency case.

Never mind, Doc.

The patient's cured.

It's okay, folks.

Kate's gonna be fine.

Dr. Bailey just pulled
her through the crisis.

(all clamoring)

Yes, Mrs. Parker, the
doctor will be able to see you

Wednesday at, uh... 3:15.

Please don't be late.

Bye.

(phone rings)

You know, it just might be

somebody wanting some groceries.

Sam Drucker's General Store.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Carey.

Well, he's all filled
up on Thursday.

I'll call you if there's
a cancellation.

Bye.

(phone rings)

Dr. Bailey's Hooterville office.

(wheezing)

Just have the
prescription filled,

and I'll see you in
two weeks, huh?

(low voice): Thanks, Doc.

Sorry, Uncle Joe, you'll
have to wait your turn.

You're next, Mr. Benson.

Oh, thank you.

Fine thing when a man can't

even see his own house doctor.

What are you complaining about?

I just wanted to ask him
what he'd like for lunch.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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Filmways Presentation.