Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 5 - Joe Carson, General Contractor - full transcript

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

Mom, I don't know that I
like any of those colors.

Oh, now, look, Miss Fussy,
Sam Drucker painted us a sample

of every kind of
paint he's got in stock.

Now, one of them's got to do.

Well... maybe the
green would be all right.

Oh, yeah, the green
would be dandy

if we're going to
paint a pool table,

but this is for the
outside of the hotel.

Well, you asked me.

Well, you got your vote in.



Now, let's see what the
rest of the occupants prefer.

You've got the samples.

Mm-hmm. Pick one.

Well, obviously there's only
one possible color for the hotel.

Obviously.

- Pink.
- Blue.

We have pink, blue and green.

A little too gaudy for the hotel

and a little too drab
for an Easter egg.

Caught him in the
act this time, Kate.

He was burying a
bone in your gladiolas.

Uncle Joe, long as
you're gonna do the work,

what color would you like?

Work? What work?

The work you've been
dodging for a year and a half.

What kind of paint
would you like?

Paint that's on it now.

But it's old and faded,
and it's full of cracks.

So's the Mona Lisa;
they ain't repainting her.

Uncle Joe, you're
not gonna talk yourself

out of the job this time.

I ain't trying to
get out of the job.

I just don't like to be rushed.

Rushed?

After all, nobody
bugged Rembrandt

when he was painting
them ceilings in Rome.

Well, did they?

You're right, Uncle Joe.

You see?

It was Michelangelo they bugged.

Well, you know, it
ain't generally known,

that's the name
Rembrandt painted under

when he was on the road.

Look, the dog has

a lot better color
sense than all of us.

You picked out

the most beautiful
shade of canary yellow.

Wasn't that smart
of him, Uncle Joe?

You can't tell nothing from
that little spot on his nose.

You'd get a better idea if
you paint the rest of him.

Well, now it's all settled.

We paint the hotel
canary yellow,

and, Uncle Joe,
you take it from here.

Uh-huh. Well, I'll breeze
into Sam's tomorrow

and get an estimate.

No, here is, um, ten dollars.

Don't get the
estimate, get the paint.

Let's go.

They sure are.

Yeah, the old Haney
place is still a mess.

Sam, I want five cans...

Trouble is, Mrs. Gilbert,
they're having an awful time

trying to find
somebody to do the job.

Oh, the Douglases are
willing to pay for the job.

They just can't
find a contractor.

Well, I hope so, too.

Bye.

Sam, do you still
print business cards?

I sure do, for folks
that have a business.

How much are they?

Ask me when you got a business.

- I got a business.
- What kind?

Look, my business ain't
no business of yours.

I'm gonna find out anyway

when you give me
the order for the cards.

If I give you the order.
How much are they?

Two dollars a thousand.

Okay, I'll take two.

That'll be four dollars.

Not 2,000. Just two
cards. That's all I'll need.

Here-Here's what
I want printed on it.

"Joe Carson,
General Contractor."

I didn't know you were in
the contracting business.

You name it, I do it.

Let's see, there's "carpentry,
plumbing, heating, cabinets,

parquet flooring, remodeling,
room additions, roofs, stucco."

That's a very impressive card.

They ought to be; they
cost two dollars a thousand.

There's more on the back side.

"Electrical wiring,
cellars, louver-y windows,

"sliding glass doors,
concrete, cement;

including sidewalks
and tennis courts."

I think we need
a little of each.

I think you need a lot of each.

I've seen places that
looked in better shape

after they was torn down.

I think you better
talk to my husband.

Oh, well, I might
not be available then.

There's a big demand
for high-class contractors.

Oh, dear.

We'd better do something fast.

I'd never forgive myself if
your husband came home

and found his sweet little wife
buried under a ton of derbis.

"Derbis"?

Yeah, that's French
for "heap of junk."

Well, maybe we'd
better go inside

- and see what needs to be done.
- Okay.

Well!

Uh-huh.

Yes, sir!

You think you could
do something with it?

Well, it ain't near
as bad as I thought.

I expected a complete fiasco.

What you got here
is a mere shambles.

What does that mean?

It means the average
contractor would turn and run.

But a first-class havoc
is a challenge to me.

Now, to you, your home
is just another eyesore.

But to me, it's a
potential Shangri-la.

What would you do with it?

Well, I'd, uh... What'd
you have in mind?

Well, first of
all, I would like...

Just a second.

Proceed.

I-I would like...

Don't you think we should
have this room modernized?

Definitely.

Modernize... living room.

Uh, now, then, over here,

I would like to have this
window made much larger.

Let out... window.

And here we have
a loose molding.

Put tuck in molding.

Oh, and the
floor, it isn't level.

Baggy... floor.

While I think of it, won't
you come along, please?

Oh, just a minute. Excuse me.

That's gonna have to be fixed.

Oh, would you come
this way, please?

This way, please.

Well, I wouldn't know
how to begin with this room.

Uh, what about a sunken bathtub?

That would be fine.

But isn't it a big job?

Simplest thing in the world
to put in a sunken bathtub.

All you got to do is either

raise the floor or
shorten the pipes.

Well, I'll leave that to you.

How soon could you start?

Oh, I beg your pardon. I
didn't ask you the price.

How much will it cost?

Well, uh...

You got to remember,
this is an old place

and there's lots
of work to be done.

Now, let's see, uh...

my rock-bottom price
would be... $400?

For the whole house?

Oh, I forgot.

You don't understand
contractor's lingo.

The $400's merely my
basic cost, plus differential.

It don't include the labor
and the subcontractors.

Subcontractors?

These subcontractors
ain't the ordinary kind

that shrink submarines.

This is the building kind.

Now, I'm gonna cut the cost down

to the bone for you
and your husband.

I can expedite the
whole job for, uh...

$1,500?

That sounds reasonable.

Well, no use wasting time.

You just put your
John Hancock on

this standard contractor's
agreement, and I'll get to work.

Sooner your name's
on the dotted line,

the sooner I can make
this a proper setting

for the jewel
that's stuck in it.

Make that two
kegs of roofing nails,

three rolls of tar paper,

one medium-sized wheelbarrow,

five sacks of sand, and
300 red fireplace bricks.

Are you gonna remember all this?

I'm forgetting it as
fast as you can say it.

Look, I'm giving you the
biggest order you ever had.

Now write it down.

I ain't writing down what
I ain't getting paid for.

You'll get paid for it

as soon as the Douglases
pay me for the job.

What job?

This. I'm remodeling
the Douglas place.

You're gonna be
remodeling the county jail,

'cause that's
where you're going.

Yeah? What for?

For contracting
without a license.

Oh, so now it comes out.

You're pulling your
justice-of-the-peace act

to gouge me for a license fee.

Joe, I only handle marriage,
dog and hunting license.

Anything ten dollars or
more has got to be mailed

to the county clerk.

So, it's gonna
cost you ten dollars,

which you ain't got.

Where'd you get ten dollars?

Never mind. Just mail it.

Joe, even if you get a license,
it ain't gonna do you any good.

What you know about contracting

you could hide
under a gnat's armpit.

I don't have to know
nothing about contracting,

so long as I got
smart subcontractors.

If they'd work for you,

they wouldn't be subcontractors,
they'd be subnormal.

That does it!

I'm canceling my order!

You just send for that license!

Well, Uncle Joe,
we're all ready for you.

Kate, you'll never guess
who I seen on the train today.

Emil Short.

He's having the toughest time

keeping the weeds
out of his garden.

Where's the paint?

They're chocking his artichokes
and uprooting his rutabagas.

Where's the paint?

That poor fella's
tried everything

to get rid of them weeds,

and you know what he
finally sprayed 'em with?

- Paint?
- Yeah, paint.

Kate, ain't you interested
in Emil's problem?

All I am interested
in is the paint.

Where is it?

That Sam Drucker...
What a way to run a store.

I figure we needed five
cans, he's only got three.

Well, why didn't
you bring the three,

and while you were painting,

he could order the
rest of the batch?

Suppose your first batch
don't match your second batch.

Then you've got an
unmatched, batched-up hotel.

I'll get the paint myself.
Can I have the ten dollars?

Now, Kate, you're-you're
too softhearted.

Sam would take advantage of you.

You-you let me go
in. I'll work on him.

Yeah, I've made arrangements

to bring out some hardware
for you to make a selection.

You know, new
doorknobs, hinges, faucets.

That's marvelous!

I never expected
such fast service.

In contracting circles, I'm
known as Fireball Carson.

They tell a story on me.

Once, I put up a house so fast,

the termites were
still in their pajamas.

Oh, uh, there's a little item I
overlooked in our agreement.

The contractee is supposed

to give the contractor
some evidence of good faith.

I'm afraid I don't understand.

Well, you see, my
company is geared to provide

a custom-built job from
the original estimate

to the final inspection, and
we need lots of working capital.

Oh, I see. You want an advance.

Oh, no. It ain't for me.

It's them subcontractors
and suppliers.

See, there's a lot of
labor and material involved

in a big job like this.

Well, how much do you want?

Ten dollars.

Shopkeeper!

Oh, I ain't got much
time, shopkeeper.

Five cans of canary yellow.

I thought I was lucky
enough to be losing your trade.

It's for Kate.

Oh. Oh, by the way, I
got some news for you.

This is from the county clerk.

Oh, it's my contracting license.

No. Seems I've been
a little out of touch

with the county seat.

The fee for a contractor's
license has gone up to $20.

Twenty dollars?!

Oh, well, that's no problem.

Tell the clerk I'll
send him the other ten

out of the $400 profit for
remodeling the Douglas place.

Shall I also tell the sheriff

you want your cell
overlooking the jute mill?

Joe, you got to have
a contracting license

before you can drive
one nail or lay one brick.

$400.

Okay, send along this other ten.

Fine. Now, let's see.

You wanted five
cans of canary yellow.

That'll be another ten dollars.

Put it on my tab.

You ain't got a tab.

You want the
paint or the license?

The license, but
hang on to the paint.

I know where I
can get the money.

Oh, I'll need a couple of more
business cards right away.

"Carson School
of Housepainters"?

That's my sideline.

In case something happens
to my job at the hotel,

I got my school of house
painting to fall back on.

What do you got?

Well, I-I never thought.

You never thought.

What do you think would happen

if the railroad would
suddenly decide

to put the train in mothballs?

Well, uh... Let's
face it, Floyd.

You ain't getting any younger.

It's time you learned a trade.

I got a trade... three of them.

I'm a conductor, a
baggage clerk and a fireman.

Now, you'd look kind
of silly punching tickets,

smashing baggage
and stoking a boiler

without being inside of a train.

It would be kind of tough.

What you need is
a job with a future.

Like what?

Like house painting.

Has that got a good future?

I'll give you an example.

The French Riviera is so
crowded with retired house painters,

that the ordinary millionaires

ain't got room for
their yachtches.

Golly, how do you get
to be a housepainter?

Well, it ain't easy.

You got to be an
apprentice for two years.

And then you can paint houses?

Course not.

All an apprentice can do
is hang "wet paint" signs

on the back of park benches.

Then you've got to spend a year

as an intern mixing
colors in the paint factory.

Then you can paint.

If you got $50 for
the examination.

That lets me out.

I could never be a housepainter

and crowd ordinary millionaires
off the French Riviera.

You could if you take

my crash course
in house painting.

You get your examination free.

Uh, how much is a course?

Well, seeing as
you're a friend of mine,

uh, ten bucks?

Easy, easy.

Use more arm, less wrist.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, you're doing
fine, you're doing fine.

But wouldn't I be doing
better if I had some paint?

You ain't ready for paint.

You amateurs is
always in a toot.

I grant you this may
look a bit peculiar,

- but I can explain.
- Oh, no, no.

Who would explain
your explanation?

Come here.

The last time we
talked, Uncle Joe,

you were going into town
to buy five cans of paint.

- Is that correct?
- Well, you see, I...

Ah, just answer the question.

You were going
for paint, yes or no?

Yes.

And I gave you ten dollars
to purchase said paint,

is that right?

Well, you see... I see no paint.

So, if you have
spent my ten dollars

on some fantastic, stupid,
addlepated, idiotic scheme...

Kate Bradley, your lack of faith

in my integrity
wounds me deeply.

I accept your apology.

But-but... I got my
assistant warming up.

Floyd begged me to let him help.

Careful, Floyd,

the paint's running
down your arm.

Thanks, Kate.

You heard me. I said
five cans of canary yellow.

You got ten dollars?

By the way,

Mrs. Douglas was in
here asking about you.

What'd she want?

She's waiting for
you to bring out

those doorknobs and
hinges you promised her.

And all that other stuff.

Sam, what's the matter with you?

This is canary yellow.

I asked for Mediterranean blue.

You asked for canary yellow.

You got color-blind ears.

You gonna give a cash customer

what he pays for or do I
have to trade somewhere else?

I could have sworn he said
Kate wanted canary yellow.

Well, Kate, here's
your canary yellow.

Why, that Sam Drucker.

Gave me the wrong color.

It's Mediterranean blue.

I'll have to take it right back.

No, wait a minute. I like it.

No, you don't. You
like canary yellow.

I'll take it right back.

But don't bother. I
changed my mind.

Changed it?

You've lost it.

The reflections from that paint

would make the guests
look like they had frostbite.

They'd check out like flies.

I guess you're right.

After all, the girls and
I did like canary yellow.

Hmm.

Hey, Joe, I want to
ask you something.

Yeah?

Does this crash
course include... Shh.

You're violating
rule number one.

Nobody likes a
gabby housepainter.

Hey, Joe, Joe.

How long you gonna
hold on to Floyd

with that silly paint course?

I ain't got no time for
your stupid conversation.

It ain't stupid.

It's tough enough
being the engineer

without doing
Floyd's job on top of it.

I want him back.

That's just like
you, Charley Pratt.

The minute a man gets a
chance to advance himself,

you hang on to
his apron strings.

Joe Carson, you
better watch your step.

You don't scare me none.

Any...

You gave me the wrong color.

This is Mediterranean blue.

That's what you asked for.

Now I suppose you want
to go back to canary yellow?

No, just give me
my ten-dollar refund

and I'll put this stuff
back on the shelf.

Keep your hands off the stock.

And get out from
behind my counter.

Three cans, six dollars.

No refund for the two empties.

You know, two of them
cans did seem kind of light.

That paint must
have shrunk in transit.

Now, look, look, I ain't
got no time for chit-chat.

I got to get the hardware
out to the Douglas place.

Let me have an
assortment of doorknobs,

locks, latches, light
fixtures, faucets...

You got a contractor's license?

You know I ain't.

No credit except to
licensed contractors.

Look, if I don't bring
that stuff out there,

the Douglases will think
I'm a small-time operator.

Which you are.

If you don't let me
have the hardware,

how can I carry out my
contract for the Douglases?

Well, I don't know, but a man
who takes ten dollars from Kate

to buy canary yellow and
switches to Mediterranean blue

and talks Floyd into a
course in house painting

and tries to palm
off two empty cans,

he'll think of something.

♪♪

Mom!

Mom?

What's wrong?

Somebody took the bathtub.

How's this look, Betty?

What are you doing, Floyd?

Well, I finished
painting on the outside,

so I thought I'd do the lobby.

Mom?

Mom! Mom!

Not now, Betty Jo.

Did you see anybody run

out of here with a doorknob,
a chandelier and a bathtub?

What's the matter
with you folks?

Are you all crazy?

Where's Uncle Joe?

I don't know. He
mumbled something

about going over to
the Douglases' farm.

The Douglas farm.

But how did you
ever get involved

with him in the first place?

Well, he said he
was a contractor

and he didn't want me
to be buried under derbis,

and he brought over
all those samples

like-like that
doorknob over there.

That's my doorknob.

And that's my wallpaper.

That's my chandelier.

- And...
- Yeah, I know.

That's your tub.

Don't worry, Mrs. Bradley.

I'll see that all your
property is returned.

Lisa, how could you possibly

have made such a
deal with Mr. Carson?

But he made such good sense.

Uncle Joe made good sense?

Yes, he agreed
with everything I said.

This whole mix-up
could have been avoided

if you'd have just asked him to
show you a sample of his work.

A sample of his work.

That's a very interesting idea.

Excuse me.

Gee whiz, Uncle Joe,
you finished the whole wall,

- and it's nearly noon.
- Yeah.

Take a rest, Uncle Joe.

We brought you some lunch.

I ain't got time.

Feed it to me.

You got to stop
and eat your lunch.

Don't interfere.

Soon as I finish
painting the outside,

I got to wallpaper the lobby,

varnish the woodwork,
so I can show Mr. Douglas

a sample of my
contracting ability.

You better get out
of the way, Betty Jo,

or the Hooterville
Hawks are gonna have

a canary yellow shortstop. Go.

That Mrs. Douglas
is a real doll.

They're both so nice

that after you've been
around them for a while,

you forget they're
from the city.

Well, city folks
and country folks

are pretty much alike.

The only difference is
the city folks', uh, springs

are wound a little tighter.

Mom, you're still
out four dollars

for the two cans of
paint Uncle Joe spilled.

Well, I figure that
I'm way ahead.

Where else could you
get a big-time contractor

like Uncle Joe for four dollars?

Well, Mrs. Douglas is
still out her ten dollars

that she gave Uncle
Joe as a retainer.

They don't feel that way.

Mr. Douglas says
it's worth ten dollars

to get out of the contract.

Then the only one
who's really out is Floyd.

Well, he isn't getting
anything for his ten dollars.

Oh, yes, he is.

Get that pressure up!

We're coming to Bleeker's Hill.

Stoke that boiler!

You heard him.

Keep shoveling in that wood.

Yeah, I heard him.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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