Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 25 - War of the Hotels - full transcript

The Shady Rest is busting at the seams with guests, while the Pixley Hotel is virtually empty except for those that couldn't make their way into the Shady Rest for lack of rooms. As such, ...

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(train whistle
blows, engine huffs)

Here you are, Mr. Baldwin.

Good to have you with us again.

You're up the stairs and to
your left in number seven.

Don't worry, Baldwin.



I'll give you a break.

I'll lug up the big one.

- Isn't that Mr. Baldwin?
- Yep.

What firm's he with now?

Same one: Puff-O-Marshmallows.

Isn't that funny?

I heard he got a new job
with a hardware company.

Either that or these
marshmallows has got

ball-bearing centers.

Well, don't worry, Uncle Joe.

That's the last bag
you're gonna have to lug.

The hotel's full.

You know it's a shame
when we have a rush

that we don't have more rooms.

Don't worry. When you
need 'em, we'll have 'em.

Just a minute.

If you're thinking of turning

the attic into a
penthouse, forget it.

All right, what do
you got in mind?

I got to lug this bag
up to Baldwin's room.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Billie Joe.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye.

Bye, girls.

"Bye, girls"?! Where
are you going?

I'm staying a couple
nights with Elsie Fay Mullins.

And I'll be at Dorothy
Shaffer's house.

You can find me
at Sandra Olson's.

And who gave you the
permission for this sudden exodus?

Oh, Uncle Joe made
all the arrangements.

That's what he had in mind.

Yeah... oh, he figured
the business boom

was only beginning, and if
any extra guests show up,

he can rent them our rooms.

And guess what? When the
guests pay, we each get a dollar.

Put your bags down, girls.

ALL: But Mom!

Uncle Joe!

Yeah, Kate?

You know, I think
that's a wonderful idea,

renting out the family's rooms.

Now, what's your new address,
so I can forward your mail?

But I can't leave, Kate.

I'm needed around here.

What with the rooms all
full, there's bags to be carried,

wood to be chopped,
plumbing to be plumbed,

the furnace to be stoked.

Ah, now that
you've pointed it out,

you can start on the furnace

after you help the
girls up with their bags.

Oh, that Uncle Joe.

He shined them all
right, but why didn't

he take Mr. Stevens'
shoes up to his room?

Uh, Bobbie Jo?

BETTY JO: She's
cleaning number five.

Billie Jo!

She's checking the linen.

Betty Jo?

I'm hanging up the wash.

And Uncle Joe's
fixing the furnace,

so that just leaves you and me,

and I got to put
away those dishes.

(whimpers)

Hmm? Oh, yes,
Mr. Stevens is in room six.

(bell dings twice)

You just deliver the shoes,
I'll take care of the guests.

Yes?

I'd like a room, please.

Oh, I have awfully good news.

Every room is full.

Well, it doesn't
have to be fancy.

I'll take anything you have.

Well, I just finished
fixing the furnace.

We really don't have a thing.

But I can recommend
a hotel in Pixley.

I'm sure they have a vacancy.

Wait a minute,
Kate... I've got an idea.

We'll let you sleep
in the broom closet.

Might have to sleep standing up.

If the brooms don't
mind, why should you?

Uncle Joe...

Or we can put a pup
tent up here in the lobby...

Only cost you 35 cents a night.

Uncle Joe, out.

- Pixley, huh?
- I'm sorry.

Welcome to the Pixley
Hotel, Mr., uh, Gilchrist.

Now you'll be just
around the corner in 103.

This way, Mr. Gilchrist.

If you need anything,
Mr. Gilchrist, you just ring.

(chuckles) Thank you very much.

Well, at least we got
one guest in the hotel.

Uh... what's eating you?

All right, all right, I'll split
the tip right down the middle.

There.

I never heard of a hotel owner
taking half of a bellhop's tip.

I got a notion to quit!

Now, Elroy, you
wouldn't do that.

Leave me all alone
in this big vacant hotel

with nobody to talk to?

Well, you can just
go talk to that guy

that Kate Bradley
sent over here.

Did you have to put it that way?

Think of it.

Me, Murdock Sneep, owner
of the magnificent Pixley Hotel,

subsisting on Kate
Bradley's leftovers.

I bet Kate Bradley wouldn't
take half of a bellhop's tips.

She's nice and she is generous.

Now, Elroy, she may pull
the wool over your eyes,

but I can see through her.

She only sent us that guest
so she could rub in her success.

Hey, I bet I could
bellhop at the Shady Rest.

If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

Elroy, that is without a
doubt the most craven,

callous, contemptible
idea I ever heard of.

Why... say, how
come I didn't think of it?

Here... take care of the hotel!

I'll sort the mail, Bobbie Joe.

Please help Betty Jo
clean up number five, huh?

Okay, Mom.

Hold it.

This is no place
for your lunchbox.

Yes, it is. The
cash drawer's full.

Oh! Thank goodness. (chuckles)

For a minute,

I thought you were taking
money sandwiches to school.

(chuckles)

Kate... Sorry,
we're all full up.

Oh... uh, Kate, I'd like
to talk to you for a minute.

Mr. Sneep!

Well, it's always nice to
greet a fellow innkeeper.

And how are things
at the Pixley Hotel?

Oh, fine.

We're-We're
bursting at the seams.

Say, it was nice of you to
send over that salesman.

If it hadn't been for
your recommendation,

we just wouldn't have
bothered to squeeze him in.

Well, I'm glad you
found room for him.

And if you'll excuse
me, now I... (chuckles)

I gotta sort this money.

Uh, Kate, if you
could spare a minute,

I've got a business
proposition for you.

With you doing so good
and me doing so good,

I think that now is a
propitious time for us

to merge our
lunchboxes, I mean, hotels.

What'd you say?

Kate, between the two of us,

we could have all the
hotel business in the valley

sewed up tight.

You're right, Mr. Sneep.

I'd have all the full rooms, and
you'd have all the empty ones.

Well, now, I've
got a big city idea

for the name for our two hotels.

Mine would be called
the Pixley House East

and yours would be called
the Pixley House West.

Now, Kate, a-an idea
like this just don't happen.

Well, um, I-I don't
want to appear rude,

but I got a whole hotel full
of guests to take care of.

(chuckles)

Mom, that guest in
number seven is so funny.

- Hello, Mr. Sneep.
- Hello, Billie Jo.

The colonel was telling me
about the last hotel he stayed in.

The only good thing about
the room were the steam pipes.

- (chuckling): Yeah.
- And they banged!

I know... (laughs)

They banged so loud

that he couldn't hear
his teeth chattering

from the draft through
the broken window.

(all laughing)

I tell you, that Colonel
Whitfield is a riot.

Colonel Whitfield?!

Why, he stayed at the
Pixley Hotel for 15 years.

Kate Bradley, you
hijacked my best customer.

I did no such thing.

He came here of
his own free will.

You just listen to
me, Kate Bradley...

By the time I get
through with this place,

it'll be known as the
Poor House West.

Aw, come on, Charley.

Floyd, I'm not creeping
the Cannonball along

at eight miles an hour
with you on the cowcatcher.

But, Charley, it's the
only way I can count 'em.

This may come as a
surprise to you, Floyd.

Nobody but nobody gives a
darn about how many railroad ties

there are between
Hooterville and Pixley.

There's Kate. Look
at all the packages.

Come on, let's help.

Here, we'll give you a hand.

Oh, thank you, boys.

Here, Kate, you
ain't carrying nothing.

Uncle Joe!

Could've saved yourself a
lot of trouble if you'd taken that

from me in the first place.

Advertising the Pixley Hotel.

Somebody around here
is a Benedictine Arnold.

I ain't seen him.

Maybe he was the stranger
that got off at Steuben's Bluff.

I'm referring to the sign.

Ain't it a doozy?

Would you believe it, Kate?

For carrying that sign,

Murdock Sneep is
paying us ten cents a run.

Hey, Kate, look.

"A home away from
home, the Pixley Hotel."

"Pixley Hotel, we begin
where the Waldorf quits."

That crook Sneep
has undercut us.

That's 50 cents
cheaper than our rates.

Well, if he can cut his
rates and stay in business,

that's up to him.

Well, Kate, we
didn't think you'd mind

letting him put
his signs up there.

After all, your hotel's full.

Not only full... We
got a waiting list.

(chuckles) Nah,
I don't mind at all.

Gee, that's nice of you, Kate.

At ten cents a run for eight
runs a day, that's 80 cents.

- We can use the money.
- Yeah,

we're saving up to buy Floyd
a safety belt so he won't fall off

of the cowcatcher
while he's counting ties.

Okay, okay, let's cut the gab

and get this wood-burning
roller coaster moving.

Now hear this, folks!

The fabulous Pixley is the
valley's only high-rise hotel!

Enjoy relaxed living

three stories above
the noise of the city!

You traitor, you.

That isn't nice.

After all, Mr. Sneep has a
right to advertise his hotel.

You see, competition is
what made America so great.

Kate, we didn't have
nothing to do with it.

- We'll rip it down.
- Well!

Advertising the Pixley
Hotel on Shady Rest property

is carrying things
a little too far.

Uncle Joe, you help them.

Hold it, fellas.

I think I got a better idea.

That, Sneep, is
only the beginning.

(grunts) There
it is. There it is!

Why, you double-crossers!

We had an agreement!

Well, the Shady Rest outbid you.

They're giving
us 12 cents a run.

And remember, competition is
the sincerest form of "battery."

I just can't stand
the sight of that thing.

You put my sign back up there,

and I'll give you
15 cents a run.

Mr. Sneep, our
loyalty is not for sale.

Well... 25 cents a run.

Floyd!

The Cannonball cannot
be bought at any price.

Just look at that
unsightly sleeve!

And look at that collar!

Blech!

For crying out loud, Mr. Sneep.

Your clothes
would be dirty, too,

if you ate in the
Pixley Diner every day.

Well, there's no reason why

two distinguished-looking,
handsome railroad men

have to go around
in soiled uniforms.

I'll tell you what.

Just to show you
I'm a decent fella,

let me at least provide
you with clean uniforms.

What do you think, Charley?

Well, Mr. Sneep,
you might be a fink,

but you're the
nicest fink we know.

Floyd, let's get this
old train to rolling.

(grunts)

Boys?!

Kate, look, we
got clean uniforms!

Fine! What is that?

You know who had 'em cleaned?

You have not
answered my question.

What is that thing doing there?!

What thing?

Oh!

Oh, Kate?

Kate, there's no doubt about it.

Sneep's out to get you.

Turning Floyd and
Charley into billboards

and running them
free home movies.

That's hitting below the belt,
and you've got to hit back.

That's what he wants.

If we just ignore him, maybe
he'll forget all this nonsense.

What do women know?

You got to fight fire with fire.

I know where I can lay my hands

on just the thing to
top his home movies.

All right, let's keep
them slides moving.

You're doing more
eating than viewing.

Psst, psst.

Hey, Mister, don't be so
sloppy with that whipped cream.

Next person that
views this slide will think

there's snow on Bleeker's Hill.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

now that you've all
enjoyed the slides,

let's all go out on the porch

for some sunshine
and recreation.

(guest chattering)

Uncle Joe, leave
the guests alone,

or you're going to drive them
straight into the Pixley Hotel.

But, Kate, they're eating so
much, you're losing money.

I appreciate your help,

but this is strictly between
me and Murdock Sneep.

(horseshoe clanks)

(horseshoe clanks)

Well, gentlemen, would
you like to join in the fun?

Fine. Where is it?

Oh, it's all around.

There's checkers and
cribbage and pinochle.

And if you're in
real good shape,

there's a brisk game of
horseshoes going on over there.

Look, Mrs. Bradley, the
rooms are fine, the food is great,

and the price
is right, but, uh...

We're from Chicago,

and horseshoes and checkers
aren't exactly our idea of fun.

Oh... well, if it's a
lot of action you want,

the girls are out
collecting bullfrogs,

and things should be really
jumping around here about 4:00.

Those kind of things might
be very exciting for Hooterville,

but they're not for us.

(bugle plays fanfare)

(plays tune)

(plays tune)

- Tennis?
- Skeet shooting?

MAN: Now that's
for us. Let's go pack.

Bye, Mrs. Bradley.

(Kate mutters)

Folks, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

(stammering): We'll-we'll
put in Ping-Pong.

Uh, shuffleboard,
volleyball, Parcheesi.

Hey, Parcheesi!

Elroy, show Mr. Fenwick
and Mr. Graham to room 308.

Right this way, please.

Look, Sneep, now
that we got guests,

how about me getting paid?

Elroy, you're just
going to have to wait.

Renting that bugle
and the sandwich sign

set the hotel back nine bucks.

You won't be needing
all of those, Mom.

Oh, no. Who now?

Mr. and Mrs. Goldsmith.

Oh, well, I suppose

tennis and skeet
shooting are more exciting

than pitching horseshoes
and watching bullfrogs.

Guess Mr. Sneep's
got the upper hand.

- Mom?
- Oh, did you set the table, dear?

I can't find a tablecloth.

Oh, for lands sake.

There's a whole drawer
full of 'em in the sideboard.

I don't know why I
have to do everything.

You know, you
girls just don't... look.

(laughs) I'm sorry, Bobbie Jo.

I forgot. They're
all in the laundry.

Well, there's only one way out.

We're going to have to use
my good green tablecloth.

It was there this morning.

Now, what on earth happened
to my green tablecloth?

A little more to the
right, Mr. Barrow,

and you'd have
had yourself a birdie.

KATE: Uncle Joe,
have you seen...

My green tablecloth!

Formerly a tablecloth.

I up-classed it to
a putting green.

Well, you can un-class it.

I want it washed,
ironed, the hole patched,

and on the table in 20 minutes!

Kate, wait-wait till
the folks read my ad

in the Pixley Times Picayune.

We'll make so much
money with this golf course,

that you can buy a whole
drawer full of the green tablecloths.

Uncle Joe... I got feelers out

to have Arnold Palmer
take over as the pro.

(bell dinging)

Say, wasn't that the desk bell?

15 minutes!

Welcome back, Mr. Humphries.

Your old room is ready for you.

Tell Arnold Palmer

we'll give him free
room and board!

We invite you to partake of
these delectable delicacies

available daily
at the Pixley Hotel

and only at the Pixley.

MAN: That looks good.

Delicious, isn't it, madam?

These magnificent
desserts are the climax

of the free meal served
to each and every guest.

And now... May I
have your attention?

Remember, folks,

every day is Thanksgiving
Day at the Shady Rest.

I'm all finished, Mom.

This is a fine business.

The hotel is full up,
and we're losing money.

It's going to get worse if you
keep serving turkey every day.

(laughs) Betty Jo, we may
be falling behind on turkey,

but we're way ahead
on feather dusters.

Which reminds me...

the dining room needs dusting.

Do you have a room?

Oh, you're in luck.

We've got one single left.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Murdock Sneep.

Kate, you're wiping me out.

I thought I knew
every trick in the book,

but you've outwitted
me at every turn.

I'm here to eat crow.

Well, then, you'll have to go
to the Pixley Hotel dining room.

All we're serving
here is turkey.

Kate, I'm nearly bankrupt.

Let's call off
this dreadful war.

Mr. Sneep, you mean it?

Indeed I do.

I just want to stay here

and see how an honest woman
operates her establishment.

No more cutting throats?

On my honor.

MAN: Fore!

Did a ball come in here?

Yeah... a foul ball.

Showing your face around here.

You got more cheek
than a glass blower.

Uncle Joe, Mr. Sneep is a guest.

A guest?!

Why, that dirty low...

As long as he pays his bill,

we treat him like a guest.

Kate, in all recorded history,

there's never been a
Sneep that was any good.

At the time of the Revolution,

it was a Sneep
that tied an anchor

on Paul Revere's horse's
tail to slow him down.

Uncle Joe... number seven.

Kate, what's holding
up my pancakes?

I can't get 'em
up with this thing.

Do you have a hockey stick?

What's the matter
with you, Kate?

You look half asleep.

Well, I didn't rest
very well last night,

account of all the noise.

Noise? I slept like a log.

I kept hearing the
strangest sounds

in the walls, in the
ceiling, all over the whole...

Morning, Kate.

Mr. Sneep, did you
sleep well last night?

Yes, fine; thank you.

Then the noises
didn't bother you?

No, no.

As a matter of fact,
I'm rather fond of bees.

- Oh.
- (Sneep laughs)

Bees? What bees?!

(bees buzzing)

- Those bees.
- Oh.

(bees buzzing)

Mr. Sneep, not even you
would do a contemptible...

Shh.

Listen to the buzzing
of their merry little wings.

(Sneep chuckles)

(Sneep chuckles)

How did you get
the bees in here?

You don't think I had clothes
in both my suitcases, do you?

- (bell dinging)
- MAN: Mrs. Bradley,

- I'm checking out of here!
- MAN 2: Me, too.

- Listen, Kate...
- (indistinct chatter)

Sounds like your guests
are checking out, Kate.

Wait for me, folks, and
you can follow me over

to the Pixley Hotel.

It's guaranteed to be
completely bee-free!

(Sneep laughs)

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

(laughs)

(crickets chirping)

(clattering)

(whispering):
The coast is clear.

Ain't this carrying
it a little too far?

Remember, Sneep asked for it.

Now, remember, you're
a Hooterville skunk,

and this is Pixley,
so give it all you got.

WOMAN: Oh, let me out of here!

- (coughing)
- MAN: Let me out.

Gotta get some air!

Let me get some fresh air.

- Oh! -(coughing)
- (indistinct chatter)

- (indistinct chatter)
- (coughing)

- MAN: Oh, boy.
- Oh.

(indistinct chatter)

Now, Kate, I know
I had it coming,

but-but you've just
got to let me stay here.

Why, it's going to
be at least a week

before the Pixley Hotel
gets aired out, now.

So, Kate, now come
on, now, how about it?

Well...

I promise I'll never try to
swipe your guests again.

What guests?

Well, all the ones who stormed
down here from my place.

Well, I don't know
where they went,

but they sure didn't
come to the Shady Rest.

Oh, Kate, now, please,
let's call off this silly feud.

You're the one that
started... No, no, no.

Are you out of your minds?

Uh, here's a box of candy
for you, Mrs. Bradley,

and a box of cigars for you.

Just keep that feud going.

That's just a little
token of appreciation.

I'm Howard Buskirk,

the new owner of the
Crabwell Corners Ritz.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to get back to my
hotel, full of paying guests.

Bye.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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