Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 19 - Yogurt, Anyone? - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(indistinct chatter)

I'll be picking you up next
Saturday at 7:00, Betty Jo.

But Eddie, the basketball
game doesn't start till 8:00.

Basketball?! We're
going to a debate.

To a what?!



A debate.

On a Saturday night?!

That's the trouble
with you, Betty.

You're not interested
in one doggone thing

that's going on in the world.

I am, too.

I'm interested in basketball.

No wonder you women
haven't contributed anything.

Oh, is that so?

Okay, name one thing.

Name one thing you
women have contributed.

Children.

Children?!

Now what do children
have to do with civilization?

You slay me.

(scoffs) That just proves
how immature your thinking is.

It's juvenile.

Well, if that's
the way you feel.

Good-bye.

(Kate snickers, snorts)

Kate, you can
laugh all you want to.

But a year ago, this was
no bigger than a walnut.

But Uncle Joe, what good are
all those short pieces of string?

Taken one by one, nothing.

But tie a lot of little nothings
together, and what have you got?

A big nothing?

Okay, someday, there'll be
an emergency and you'll need it.

Well, of all the stupidity.

Don't you know the difference
between a string and your leash?

Kate? This mutt needs glasses!

Now go and find some string.

(Kate chuckles)

Hi, Betty Jo.

How was school?

Fine.

Mom, I want to
ask you something,

and I want a frank answer.

Yes, dear.

Am I immature?

Certainly you're not.
Who said you were?

Edward.

Sometimes I don't
like him very much.

Just because I don't happen
to want to do something

that he happens to want to do,
he says my thinking is juvenile.

That's a typical male opinion.

That's a typical female
opinion of a typical male opinion.

Saturday night, and Edward
wants to go to a debate of all things.

Well, that is carrying
things a little too far.

Yes, and just because

he wants to know what's
going on in the world.

Mom, Edward's too good-looking

to throw his life
away like that.

I thought you didn't
like him very much.

Well, I don't.

But I can still
pity him, can't I?

Oh, Mom, what am I
going to do Saturday night?

Well, I wouldn't
worry about that.

Your sister Bobbie Jo
isn't going out, either.

Oh, does that mean we
both have to stay home

and play checkers
with Uncle Joe?

I don't see anything
so wrong about that.

You would if you were young.

Oh, well, not that
you're... you're not young.

It's... it's just that, Saturday
night I wanted to go

to the game and find out
what's going on in the world.

Bobbie, Betty, come on,
you'll be late for school!

Billie Jo, hold on to
this piece of toast for me.

Well, come on. Bye, Mom!

Betty Jo, if there's
any bacon left, bring it!

I tried to get some, but
Uncle Joe's eaten it all!

Bye, Mom!

Betty Jo, wait a minute!

Gloria Stevens left these
books here last summer

when she visited Bobbie Jo.

What am I supposed
to do with them?

Well, she asked us to mail
them to her, back at college.

So you take them to Sam
Drucker and let him do the honors.

- The address is inside.
- Okay... Okay, Mom.

(whistle blowing)

Here... let me show
you what I found

in the kitchen wastebasket.

All this string
just thrown away.

I tell you, it's
pretty discouraging.

Uncle Joe, it's going to take
you all day to untangle that.

And what's wrong with
an honest day's work?

Betty Jo, I thought
Mom asked you

to leave those books
with Mr. Drucker.

I didn't have time.

(train whistle blowing)

(train engine chugging)

- Oh!
- Oh! I'm sorry.

No, stay where you are.

Oh, it-it was all my fault.

No, no, no, it's mine.

No, really, it was my fault.

Advanced Science...
College Trigonometry...

"Emily Dickinson College."
You go to Emily Dickinson?

Who? I?

Um... this was
entirely my fault.

Yeah, you're a
Dickinson, all right.

Only a Dickinson girl
would say, "Who? I?"

Who? I?

This was entirely my fault.

I'm over at State College.

I'm spending part of my vacation

visiting some
cousins in Hooterville.

You on vacation?

Well, um...

you know, this was all my fault.

If I'd been looking where I
was going, instead of at you,

we wouldn't have bumped.

Ooh.

Here, let's sit down.

Here?

I, uh... uh, I mean, uh...

Say, you from around here?

- Uh, around...?
- Yeah.

I think so.

That's good.

Yes, uh, I am from around here.

How do you like Emily Dickinson?

I like her... uh,
them... uh... it.

They sure pour it
on there, don't they?

You mean, uh...?

You know, I'm afraid
this was all my fault.

- What does he look like?
- I can't tell.

- I'll find out.
- You just can't.

Oh, conductor!

Oh, conductor!

So you're on State's
varsity basketball team?

- Sure.
- Honest?

Say, you going to
have any free time

while you're home from college?

Oh, I might.

After all, I don't have to spend
all my time with my family.

(door opens)

Someone call me?

Oh, oh, I did, Conductor.

Um, can you tell
me where we are?

We are where we
always are, Billie Jo.

Oh, thank you, Conductor.

Hi, Betty Jo.

Do you want to
know where we are?

Why, Floyd, how
wonderful to see you again.

Who? I?

Um, a-after all these
weeks and months.

After... Oh, oh...
oh, of course.

But it seems like only
yesterday I saw you last.

Hope you're gonna be
around for a while, Betty.

Man, they really do
pour it on you, don't they?

(snoring)

(startled muttering)

What's the big
idea waking a man?

Well, that's better.

Finally found
out what string is.

You sure found a long piece.

Think you're funny, huh?

(barks)

You try that again,

and I'll unravel you till
there won't be enough

left of you to
wag your tail with.

What's the commotion?

I've had all I can
stand of this hound.

This hotel ain't big
enough for the two of us.

It's either him or me.

Shall we help him pack?

(barks)

Hah! Hah!

Come on, boy, let's go.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey. How was school today?

Terrific. I never had
such a terrific day.

- Here's the mail, Mom.
- Well, thank you, dear.

Wait a minute.

Wh... What are you
doing with Gloria's books?

- Who?
- Gloria Stevens.

I told you to take
them to Sam Drucker

and have him mail
them back to her.

I'm going to. I just want
to keep 'em for a few days.

What for?

You have no idea what
I got out of these today.

What?

- Mom, I feel like a different person.
- Oh?

Psychology Ill,

Elementary Paleontology,
Etruscan Civilization.

What did they do for you?

Mom, just because Edward
says I have a juvenile mind

doesn't mean I have one.

I'm interested in everything
that's going on in the world.

Did you know that State College
hasn't lost a basketball game

all this season?

I mean, books like these
expand a person's horizons.

Expand their what?

- Horizon.
- Oh.

Did you know that any girl

who gets into Emily Dickinson
College is considered brilliant?

Really?

Poor Edward... I won't have time

to see so much of
him from now on.

Not unless he changes his
mind about you being juvenile.

Hah! If he apologized
to me on his knees,

I wouldn't have time

to stop reading
Etruscan Trigonometry.

Your horizons haven't expanded.

They busted out of the seams.

And, uh, you're going to let
him think you go to Dickinson?

Of course. Hah!

If I told him the truth, it
would shake his confidence

in being able to judge
people... Especially women.

Betty, you're not a
woman, you're a girl.

Well, that's what I mean.

If he knew that, it
would really shake him.

He wouldn't even take
me to the movies tonight.

To the where?

And you're going?

Only to show Edward
he's dead wrong about me.

He needs to have
his eyes opened.

He does.

Oh, and none of this is
because you like Chuck a little?

And where did you get that idea?

From Floyd.

Honestly.

I wish Floyd would
be more interested

in a few of the important things
that are going on in this world,

in-instead of just what's
going on in his train.

EDWARD: Mrs. Bradley?

Oh, hello, Edward.

Am I glad I ran into you.

I wanted to ask if Betty
was still sore about...

uh, about...

About being an
intellectual juvenile?

Mrs. Bradley, when I
said that about her mind,

I didn't think she
would take it personally.

Wow. She sure is sensitive.

Yeah, I guess she is,

'cause she's trying awful
hard to improve herself.

She's what?!

Oh, sure.

She's reading about, um...

the Etruscan civilization
and trigonometry and...

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Just because of me?

(laughs) Well, I will admit

that you did give her a
boost in the right direction,

but both of you are so young.

You should have some fun.

- Oh?
- Well, look at Einstein.

Even he took time
out to play the violin.

Well, if Einstein
could do it, so can I.

BETTY JO: I bought this
coming home from school today.

Listen to what it says:

"Today's college
woman is sophisticated,

alert, sincere,
civic minded, and..."

What's yogurt?

It's a kind of sour milk.

Sour milk? Yuck!

Sour milk?

(sighs)

"Today's college woman
more or less lives on yogurt."

Would that include
any college woman, or...

or-or even at Emily Dickinson?

I don't know.

Well, there must
be something to it.

Sunglasses are out.

"False eyelashes
after dark are the big in.

"Flat heels are for lectures
and the discotheque.

"And extreme high heels
are in only for the date

on which the future may hang."

And they do all that on yogurt?

Well... "63% of all coeds who
were asked frankly admitted

they came to college in
hopes of meeting the right man."

Well, like I've said all
along, I may not go to college.

There must be an easier
way than that to get a man.

Well, I have high heels,

but they aren't high
enough to hang my future on.

And where do I find
yogurt and-and eyelashes?

Which is more important...
Yogurt, high heels or eyelashes?

Well, they're all important,
but where do you get 'em?

Well, somebody in Hooterville
must have eyelashes.

And somebody must have yogurt.

And if they do, I'll find them.

Floyd knows everybody. Ask him.

Yeah, well, I'll have your order
ready for you when you come in.

Hey, Sam, you got
any false eyelashes?

Any what?!

False eyelashes.

No, but I can send away
and get you a toupee.

Why would I want a toupee?

Why would you
want false eyelashes?

Well, for reasons I'm
not at liberty to divulge.

And I shouldn't
think you'd want to.

I almost forgot.

You got any "yoogoot"?

Any what?

You know, "yourgood."

Like sour milk.

Oh, yogurt!

No, I haven't had
to carry that stuff

since old Mrs. Mason
got over the quinsy.

Did she go to Emily
Dickinson College?

Where?

Oh, never mind.

Oh, hey, Newt, have
you got any yogurt?

Yogurt? Hah!

Doc Stewart tell you
to lose some of that fat?

What fat? Look, no wisecracks.

All I want is a...
an answer to my...

Hey.

Are these real?

Are what real?

This cow's eyelashes.

Oh! Oh, I thought you meant...

Oh, I know what
you thought I meant.

I just wonder if it
would be possible to...

No, I don't reckon it would.

Hey, what about the yogurt?

Charley, can't you
see I got my hands full?

Well, I'm in a hurry.

I ain't got all day.
It's for Betty Jo.

- Betty Jo?!
- Yeah.

Well, why in "tunka" didn't
you say so in the first place?

Here, you keep things
moving until I get back.

Oh, Bobbie Jo, how are you?

Mr. Douglas, we
have a terrible problem.

Do you have any false eyelashes?

Any what?

I mean does Mrs. Douglas
have any false eyelashes?

Oh. Oh, yes, I suppose so.
Uh, what size do you wear?

Oh, they're not for me.

They're for sort
of a college coed.

A college coed.

Well, they're really for a
man that's at State College.

Oh, and do you have
any high heel pumps?

What course is this man taking?

I don't know.

Probably straight humanities.

Lisa?

What is that?

Yogurt.

Well, you don't seem to
be enjoying it very much.

I just don't feel
like stuffing myself.

Mom, she has a date tonight.

A date?

She nervous?

No, she's dieting.

She has to diet.

He's a college man.

What's that got to do with it?

Everything. College men
like a girl that's... that's...

Hungry? I'll take that pork
chop Betty Jo don't want.

Just a second.

Why? I ain't going out

with no college fella.

Betty Jo might change
her mind about it.

(groans) Oh, no.

You can give all my
dinner to Uncle Joe.

Besides, I've got to go
upstairs and get ready and...

everything.

Everything is right.

You know, when I
was Betty Jo's age,

college men liked
their girls plump.

They got 'em plump.

Why does this fellow of yours
think he has to go to college?

Why doesn't he go out
and look for a job, like I did?

And like you're still doing.

Sure, I'm still looking.

Jobs ain't easy to find.

They all want college men.

Now hold still till I
get these lashes on.

Let's have another drop of glue.

Where did you get this?

In the kitchen. It was
the only glue I could find.

Have you read the instructions?

"Apply thin coat, clamp with
vice and leave for 24 hours."

What?!

Oh, that's only if you're
mending a chair or something.

Where are the lashes
for the other eye?

- Oh, they're on the bureau.
- Betty, hold still!

There aren't any lashes here.

- They've got to be there.
- Well, there aren't.

Betty, will you
please hold still?!

There aren't any
lashes anywhere.

They've just got to be there.

Now think, Betty Jo.
Where did you leave them?

Hmm?

Do you suppose they
crawled under there?

Oh!

Did you find my eyelash?

No, it's dust.

(train whistle blows)

Oh, the train's in. Chuck'll
be here any minute.

What am I going to do?! He's
gonna think I only have one eye!

Stop panicking and think!

- Now where did you put them?
- Oh!

(train whistle blowing)

Betty Jo, train's in!

Oh.

Wonder if he'll be
wearing his cap and gown.

Or do you suppose
he'll come informal?

Wait.

Hi, Mrs. Bradley.

- Well...
- Hi, Mr. Carson.

Hi. Only Eddie.

I thought I'd surprise Betty.

What do you mean,
it's "only Eddie"?

After what you
told me at the store,

I decided maybe I've
been pushing her too hard.

So, I'm going to take
her to the movies.

(Joe coughs)

- Tonight?
- Sure.

(Kate and Joe cough)

There. How do they feel?

Okay, but it seems
a little dark in here.

Is the light on?

When Chuck sees these heels,

he's going to think you're
taking a graduate course.

Let me have your foot.

- There.
- Thanks.

Oh, wait. Don't you want
to wear both of them?

Oh, sure, but I'm positive
Chuck's down there.

Mrs. Douglas says,
while you're in them,

to make sure you're within
falling distance of your man.

Well, wish me luck.

Betty Jo? Betty? Betty? Bet...

- Yes?
- Yeah. Who's that?

Mom, it's your daughter. Me.

Oh. Well, "Me," I
got news for you.

Is he here?

He is here, and he is Edward.

- He's who?
- Edward.

And he's come to
take you to the movies.

Oh, no!

He feels you've
been over studying

with those college books.

Well, where would he
get an idea like that?

Well, if you must know, he
might have gotten it from me.

Mom, I never opened those books.

Chuck saw me with
them on the train

and thought I was in college.

Oh, you've got to
get rid of Edward.

What do you want
me to do, shoot him?

Excuse me.

Announcing another
swain has arrived.

Oh, no!

Oh, Mom, you have
to do something.

I have to do something?

Bobbie, Bobbie, you've
got to go with him.

With Chuck?

With Edward.

Edward?!

Betty, he's a babe in arms.

Well, you don't have to
carry him, just lead him.

Please say you will. Please?

Well!

Oh!

- Hello.
- Hi.

Uh, this is my kid
sister, Bobbie Jo.

Hello.

BETTY JO: And my kid mother...

- My mother.
- How do you do?

Glad to know you.

Hello, Edward.

Edward's taking
Bobbie to the movies.

- I'm what?!
- Have I kept you waiting?

Oh, I mean, uh, well,
there's some... I mean...

Edward, Edward, you're
going to have to relax.

You've been pushing too hard.

Come on, let's get going.

Yeah, but the one I want is...

Now, Edward, no matter what
you want, there's only one movie.

You got to take
what they give you.

(suspenseful orchestral
movie music plays)

(whispering): Do you
want some popcorn?

(whispering): No, thank you.

I don't eat anything but yogurt.

Anything but what?!

Yogurt.

It's the in thing.

Oh.

Can you see all right, Edward?

Oh, sure, sure.

You sure you don't
want any popcorn?

Uh, no. Really.

(Edward laughs softly)

(whispering): Say, could
you loan me 11 cents

so I could get some popcorn?

(dramatic movie music plays)

(laughing)

- Oh, no!
- Shh!

Look, that's okay. It
looks cute there. Don't cry.

(crying): I can't help it.

I can't even find my shoe.

Oh.

(train whistle blows)

Here they come.

I got a feeling that this
is going to be known

as the night that was.

Like the time all
New York blacked out.

I was reading today

where most college kids wind
up with nervous breakdowns.

If you ask me,
they're asking for it.

Well, I'll say this:

They sure get their
education the hard way.

(laughter)

Wasn't it fun?

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom. Hi, Uncle Joe.

- Well, hi.
- (Betty Jo sighs)

How was the movie?

Oh, the first half
wasn't too good,

but the second half
was terrific, huh?

I'll say. Have some popcorn?

Oh, thank you.
Uh, this on Edward?

Oh, no, this is on Chuck.

Hers is on Edward.

On Edward?

- Sure, Mom.
- (soft laughter)

Hey, now wait a minute.

Oh, Mom, after Bobbie
and I exchanged men,

I discovered that Edward
was interested in a lot of things.

I'll say. He's even taking her

to the basketball
game Saturday night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Well, Uncle Joe, how about you
and me having a midnight snack?

Oh. Ice cream and cake?

No. Yogurt and yogurt.

We got a whole
icebox full of it.

Let's go.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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