Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Crowded Wedding Ring - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

This telegram's for Kate.

Take it right up to her.

Yeah, and don't stop
to read it on the way.

How can a dog ready a telegram?

Yeah, he'd probably have trouble



getting it out of the envelope.

Mercy.

Get on the train.

Open it, Mom.

- Yes, go ahead.
- Well, well, I will.

For goodness sakes, I never
saw so much excitement.

You'd think I gotten a tele...

On the floor.

Oh, well, thank you.

Go ahead, read it.

I will as soon as
I find my glasses.

Try looking for
them on your nose.

Huh?

Ooh... (laughs)

(clears throat)

"Dear Kate.

"Arriving tomorrow morning

"to spend a few
days at your hotel.

As ever, Ralph Denton."

Oh, isn't that nice?

Well, back to work.

Ralph Denton's an old friend.

Hey, wasn't he that fella that
was sweet on you way back?

Yes.

He was one of hundreds.

Now, if anybody is interested
in helping their mother,

you'll find her turning the
mattress in number five.

(shushes)

What do you want, Uncle Joe?

You mean you didn't notice?

Notice what?

The way your mom acted
when she read that telegram

from Ralph Denton?

She acted pleased, if
that's what you mean.

That was just to
put us off guard.

(scoffs) Why would
she want to do that?

It's obvious you two girls
don't understand women.

It ain't normal for a
woman to act normal.

Oh, Uncle Joe.

Sure, oh, Uncle Joe.

Your mom may've
looked calm to you,

but I could see
her true feelings.

Her goose bumps gave her away.

Come on, Betty Jo, let's
help Mom with the mattress.

Say, what was
Ralph's sister's name?

Mabel.

Wonder if she ever got married.

She was always showing
up when she wasn't wanted,

like a cat at a fish fry.

She sounds keen.

So now, after all these years,

ol' Ralph's finally coming back.

That's it.

His sister's finally
gotten married

and now he's free
to woo your ma.

No one's on the
porch. We can talk here.

What about?

Ralph Denton's due in an hour

and Mom's still
puttering in the kitchen.

So?

Look, stupid, if you were
expecting an old flame,

wouldn't you be excited,

fussing around and
getting dressed up?

I don't know.

If the old flame
were Sandy Koufax?

Oh, sure, I see what you mean.

Then Uncle Joe was
wrong about Ralph Denton.

No, just the opposite.

Well, he's got to
be right sometime.

Mom's pretending she's
not interested because of us.

That's Mom... always
thinking of herself last.

This time she's gonna
get things her way,

whether she likes it or not.

What is that stuff?

Some of Billie
Jo's best perfume.

It's called "Impossible."

It smells impossible, too.

It's called "Impossible"
because one whiff

and you're impossible to resist.

I don't need all this nonsense.

Ralph Denton is
just an old friend.

Yes, we know.

It's the old friends
that need convincing,

'cause they know you better.

Shouldn't Mom be
wearing earrings?

Before breakfast?

Betty Jo, you've got to stop
reading those paperbacks.

How about just one earring?

Let Ralph know you
got something more

on your mind besides pancakes.

I have no more on my mind.

Right.

How about one for the road?

(sneezes)

Kate.

Ralph.

WOMAN: Ralph!

RALPH: Oh, I'm sorry, Mabel.

Kate, you remember
my sister Mabel?

Oh, of course.

- How are you, Mabel?
- How do you do?

Where's your husband?

Husband?

I've never married.

Guess you missed the boat.

Uncle Joe.

Uh, Ma-Mabel, uh, uh, Ralph,

uh, please say hello

to Bobbie Jo and Betty Jo.

And, of course, you've met

- Uncle Joe.
- Yes.

(clears throat)

Well, uh, what are we
all standing here for?

Let's all go up to the hotel
and have some breakfast.

Yes, I'm starved.

How about you, Mabel?

Well, I'm not too hungry.

I've heard that one before.

Uncle Joe... Oh, not from her.

See, there was this
widow woman out in Pixley

that I used to take
out once in a while.

- She...
- (clears throat loudly)

Ralph, as I remember,

you were always
partial to pancakes.

Well, it's been so
long since I've tasted

any of your delicious
pancakes that...

Ralph, you know what
pancakes do to you.

Kate's pancakes are
different than anybody else's.

So is Ralph's stomach.

Well... maybe you
can fill up on sausages.

Sausages give Ralph heartburn.

Oh.

Well, perhaps fried eggs'll...

Make him bilious.

Can he handle water?

Where's the kitchen?

I'll fix something
for Ralph to eat.

Oh, Betty Jo, would you
take Miss Denton and...

and-and show her the kitchen.

This way.

Would you like to
see your room, Ralph?

Yes. Yes, I would.

(sniffs) My, that's delicious
perfume you're wearing, Kate.

Oh, can you smell it?

I just barely have a drop on.

Ralph, remember your allergy.

What would I do without Mabel?

Why don't you try it sometime?

Ralph, I know you're
just gonna love your room.

Oh, it's just the way
I pictured it, Kate.

Nice. Clean. Pleasant.

Well, takes a man of taste
to appreciate things like that.

But then, as I recall,
you always did have...

Too much! Ralph
can't stand a draft.

He has a cold every other week.

Come along, Ralph.

Your cereal's ready.

Mabel insists on
cooking all my meals.

Wasn't that a problem
when you were in the service?

I took an apartment
right near his base.

- It was Mabel's idea.
- I'll bet.

What?

I'll bet it worked
out just fine.

It certainly did.

When we were discharged,
we were a captain.

(laughs)

Now, that's what I call a moon.

That's funny... That's
what we call it, too.

What's going on?

They're actually alone.

Where's the bloodhound?

She went to her
room to freshen up.

(laughs) She'll be real fresh

by the time she gets out.

We locked her door
from the outside.

Be careful with that, Bobbie Jo,

- you might drop it.
- (key clatters on ground)

Now poor Mabel will be
stuck in her room all night.

Oh, none of your city smog
or fog at the Shady Rest.

Just pure country air.

Ah, it does feel good.

Living out here adds ten
years to a person's life,

according to Tuck Carberry.

- Who's he?
- A neighbor.

He's 92.

Oh, well, I guess any man of 92

ought to know what
he's talking about.

His father's even smarter.

My door was stuck.

It's a lucky thing I
had my keys with me.

Oh, Mabel has been
collecting passkeys for years.

Bobbie Jo, I told you to break

- the key off in the lock.
- But I didn't have...

It wouldn't have done any good.

Mabel could probably just
stare at the doorknob and melt it.

Won't you join us, Mabel?

Oh, well, thank you.

Well, Mabel, just breathe

this nice clean air.

Well, they say that the best air

is in the Yellowstone
National Park.

That's where Ralph and I
are going after we leave here.

Mabel has every minute
of our vacation planned.

Sounds like fun.

Ooh, my goodness, it's 10:00.

A vacation's no
good if you don't get

enough sleep to enjoy it.

I agree with you,
Mabel. Good night.

Oh, not me. I could
stay up all night.

It's Ralph who needs his rest.

Poor boy works so hard all year.

Well, I guess I
am a little tired.

- Good night, ladies.
- Good night, Ralph.

- Kate?
- Hmm?

Do you still like fishing?

- Oh, yes.
- Well, why don't we go tomorrow?

Oh, I'd love it.

So would I.

Oh.

Good night.

Good night.

Uh, don't forget your
nose drops, Ralph.

Two in each nostril.

Why don't you
live a little, Ralph,

and take three in each nostril?

After all, it is your vacation.

I told you she had a wonderful
sense of humor, didn't I?

(Kate and Ralph laughing)

Can't you figure out
some way to keep her

out of the way so Mom can go
fishing alone with Mr. Denton?

I could steal her broom.

Uncle Joe. Come on, think.

Well, Mabel's the type of
woman who wouldn't do something

if she knew you
wanted her to do it.

But if you didn't want
her to do it, she would.

So all I've got to do is figure
out what I don't want her to do

and she'll do it, and
that's what I'm gonna do.

See how simple it is?

- Ooh.
- (laughs)

- This is Mr. Denton's.
- Thank you.

- And this is yours, Mom.
- Thank you.

- And this is hers.
- Now, Betty Jo.

Ralph will be through with
his cereal in just a minute.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

I've never been fishing before.

Oh, it's a lot of fun...

walking through mud,
fighting off mosquitoes,

tearing your dress on brambles.

Have you ever had poison ivy?

Thank you, Betty Jo.

- What are you...?
- (shushes)

Bet you can't guess
what I got here, Kate.

What?

My Sunday-go-to-meeting outfit

I picked up at Sam Drucker's.

Your what?

I got just what you told me.

I told you?

Yeah, plaid jacket, green shirt,

pink trousers, orange
socks and a pink tie.

The pink tie goes
with the trousers.

Kate figured
something conservative

would be more appropriate.

I was lucky to
have her advise me,

or I might have picked
out something real loud.

Joe, could I see you
outside for a minute?

Oh, you don't
need to worry, Kate.

These colors are
even better in the sun.

Do you really think
these colors go together?

They will once they're
on my back. (laughs)

Uncle Joe, would
you please come...?

I was going to pick out a
pink tie with puce polka dots

until Kate set me
straight on this stuff.

- Do you think it'll work?
- (shushes)

Pink tie with puce polka dots?

Yeah, it sure pays to read

the Pixley Fashion
Notes, don't it, Kate?

Uncle Joe, there's
something out on the porch

I want to show you.

Now, I don't mean
to interfere, Joseph,

but you simply
cannot wear anything

like that outfit anywhere.

Why not? I wore
one like it last year.

Kate picked that one out, too.

Let's see, there was an orange
and black checked jacket...

Uh-huh.

- Banana trousers...
- Uh-huh.

- A green shirt...
- Uh-huh.

And a yellow-blue striped tie.

Ugh...

Uncle Joe?

What's the matter, Mabel?
Are you implying there's

something wrong
with my new outfit?

No offense, Kate, but
I think he should take

these things back to the
store and exchange them.

He hasn't worn them.

You'd have to have a lot
of help to get Sam Drucker

to take these back
today, wouldn't you, Kate?

Well, uh... That's
just like you men.

You can make a living,

but unless there's a
strong-willed woman behind you,

anyone can take advantage.

You wouldn't catch Kate tangling

with Sam Drucker, right, Kate?

Well, uh...

Storekeepers are
all basically alike.

You just have to handle them

subtlety and with
grace and tact.

You know, Mabel, I
never realized before

the big difference between
some of our local woman

and a woman of the world.

Well, travel does
expose one to good taste

and an awareness of style.

Oh, say, Mabel,

you don't suppose
you could spare the time

to come into Hooterville with me

and stand by my side
while I talk to Sam Drucker?

(chuckles) Well,
I... JOE: No, no,

you better not.

Sam Drucker would twist you

around like taffy, Mabel.

I doubt that.

When is the next
train to Hooterville?

(whistles)

Well, now, the next train to...

The train won't be
here for a long time, yet.

(barking)

(whistle blowing)

I may not know
how to run a hotel,

but I sure can call trains.

Just what kind of an outfit did
you have in mind for me, Mabel?

Well, I thought
perhaps a black jacket

and charcoal trousers.

Charcoal?

Wouldn't I get dust all over
the furniture when I sit down?

Don't panic, Kate Bradley.

There must be a
simple answer to all this.

Oh, um,

did you ever do this
in the city, Mr. Denton?

Yes, it's very
good for your eyes.

Oh, Mom, we were just showing
Mr. Denton an eye exercise.

- Kate, where's Mabel?
- Oh, well, she-she...

Oh, Mom, thanks for sewing
that brand-new dress for me.

Mom makes all our clothes.

That's nice. Where's Mabel?

- She went...
- Mom, did you get that medal yet?

Mom took first prize
at the county fair

for the best apple pie.

Just something I whipped up

in between painting the kitchen.

Well, uh, where is Mabel?

She went into
Hooterville with Uncle Joe.

I thought she
wanted to go fishing.

- Well...
- Well, you know women,

Mr. Denton, always
changing their mind.

(laughing)

Well, I'll go fix
us a snack and...

Oh, Mom, how many
lunches are you gonna pack?

Hmm?

You already packed one
and put it behind the counter.

I did?

Cook, cook, cook.

We just can't get
her out of the kitchen.

(grunts): Ooh.

Ooh. My.

There's enough food here

to keep us out till
dark, isn't there?

I don't doubt it.

I'll go get the fishing poles.

You'll only need two.

May I go?

(sighs)

I hope we get to Hooterville

before Mr. Drucker's
store is closed.

Oh, we will.

We'll do everything possible

to fix the Cannonball
as quick as possible.

Will it be much longer?

It looks like the flim-jam

has banged against the strilvoll

and plumb shot the
grizzleblink all to heck, ma'am.

That don't sound
too bad, Charley.

(quietly): Charley.

How can the flim-jam
bang against...

We're just helping Joe.

Oh.

The flangerod's leaning
against the zitsbrail.

Oh, dear.

We're in a hurry, Charley.

Charley, I've been working

the Cannonball as long as you,

and I never knew we
had a flangerod or...

I told you, we're
just helping Joe out.

Helping him out of what?

It's a secret.

Why ain't I in on the...

(whispering): secret?

The last time I
told you a secret,

before I could get home,
it was in the newspaper,

and they were
broadcasting it over the radio.

Some secrets won't
keep as long as others.

Besides, I'm worried
about that flangerod.

We ain't got a flangerod.

What's it doing leaning
up against that zitsbrail?

We ain't got a
zitsbrail or a flangerod,

and the flim-jam ain't
banged up against the strilvoll.

Then our grizzleblink
ain't shot to heck, is it?

How can it be when
we haven't got any?

Mabel, are you sure
purple and green stripes

don't go too good
with banana trousers?

Here they come.

You think she'll get angry?

She'll get over it
on her honeymoon.

I never saw a man catch
so many fish at one time.

Well, I guess I did all right.

Oh, don't be modest, Ralph.

You ought to write
a book on fishing.

I guess Mabel must
be up in her room.

What happened?

I don't know. Must
have blown a fuse.

RALPH: Oh, where are you, Kate?

Over here at the coffee table.

We usually have
some matches here.

Where's the coffee table?

Um, right here.

(chuckles) There you are.

Oh, candles.

Yes, we keep them here
in case of an emergency.

Where's the fuse
box? I'll check it.

It's j-just down the hall.

No!

What did you say?

I said, no, don't
bother about the fuse.

I'll fix it in the morning.

- (chuckles): A bottle of wine.
- Yeah.

You're prepared for any
emergency, aren't you?

Yes.

A lot of strange things
pop up around here.

Shall I get some glasses?

No, no, sit down, Ralph.

I got a feeling that there
are some real handy.

Thank you.

Mm, chilly?

Uh... Okay, I'll give you this.

Oh, don't you... don't you
think you're going to need it?

No.

Thank you, thank you very much.

You seem very happy, Kate.

So do your daughters.

Yeah, they're a lot of laughs.

I certainly, uh,

enjoyed spending
the day with you, Kate.

(chuckles) Yes, it, um,

it was fun talking
over old times,

wasn't it?

Uh... Kate,

there's something that
I've been wanting to say,

and finally this seems to
be the moment to say it.

Yes, Ralph?

When two people...

I mean, when a
man and a woman...

I mean, when the right man

meets the right woman...
MABEL: Whoo-hoo.

Anybody here?

Oh... (panting)

The train broke down.

We had to walk all the way back.

Well, it must be
one of those days.

We blew a fuse.

Oh?

Never did get to Sam Drucker's.

Guess we'll have to
go back again tomorrow.

Oh, oh, sure.

Ralph, bedtime.

Oh, right.

Kate, it was a lot of fun.

KATE: Yes, it was, Ralph.

Oh, e-excuse me.

Remember, Ralph,
two in each nostril.

This time I'm not
sitting here all day.

I'd like to pick berries

or just start right
back to the hotel.

Say, picking berries.

Mabel, that sounds like fun.

(sighs)

My goodness,

picking berries is
certainly hard work,

isn't it, Joseph?

It ain't easy, Mabel.

Four days of keeping
that woman busy.

I'll tell you, Medicare
came in just in time.

But it'll all be
worthwhile, Uncle Joe.

Mr. Denton's on the verge.

Somebody better give him a
push before my feet collapse.

Ever time that danged
train breaks down,

Mabel's got me out hiking,

picking berries,
looking for shiny rocks.

She'd make Davy
Crockett holler "uncle."

Oh, pardon me.

Uh, Mr. Carson.

Mr. Carson, could I, uh...

could I see you
alone for a minute?

I'll be out in the lobby.

Sure, sure, I'll be right in.

Uncle Joe, he's got that
marrying look in his eyes.

When he asks your
permission to marry Mom,

don't tell him yes right away.

I don't need no advice.

Get me my shoes and socks.

A man can't discuss a
solemn occasion like this

in his bare feet.

Mr. Carson, uh, I don't
know exactly how to say this,

but you know, sometimes
the idea of marriage

comes late in life
to certain people.

Yes, I guess it does.

But it only takes a few days

of constant exposure
to each other,

and some people can
make up their minds real fast,

don't you agree?

Yep, I sure do.

That's what made America great.

Now, I know how
close you are to Kate.

Do you think she'd approve?

Well, now, I'll tell you, Ralph,

at a time like this,
a man in my position

is supposed to hem and haw
and keep you on tenterhooks.

But I believe in being direct.

I don't know of anything
that would please Kate more.

(laughs)

That's just what
I wanted to hear.

Well, I guess I'll
clear the table.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
that-that can wait.

I have something I want to say.

Now, I'm not very good
at making speeches,

but, well, all I want to
say is that, I don't know,

it must have been fate that
led me here to Shady Rest Hotel

after all these
years to see Kate.

Through the years,
I've often thought...

We all know what you want
to say, so get to the point.

Well, all I want to say is that

there's going to be a wedding.

(giggling)

(laughs) Naturally,
I'm in favor of it,

and I've talked to
Mabel, and she...

I'm happy to
announce the betrothal

of my sister, Mabel,
to Mr. Joe Carson.

Joe, I'm overwhelmed.

(stammering)

And, uh, I want you to know

that I intend to
be the best wife

and berry-picker
any man ever had.

Well, I guess I'll
clear the table.

(gasps)

What are you up to?

I'm executing Plan B.

Plan B?

I put it in operation when
Plan A backfired on me.

Serves you right,
telling the girls

that Ralph Denton
came here to marry me.

You got caught in your own web,

but running away
isn't the answer.

I ain't looking for answers.

I'm looking for distance.

Uncle Joe,

we will find a way to
call off the wedding.

Oh, fine.

And while you're figuring
it out, you can reach me,

RFD Guatemala.

No relative of mine
was ever a coward.

Shake hands with a pioneer.

(growling)

Don't try to stop
me. I'm leaving.

(growling continues)

Would you like to see
me stuck with Mabel

for the rest of my life?

Oh, go chase a cat.

(Mabel sneezes)

Gesundheit.

You going someplace?

Guatemala.

I guess we sort of got rushed
into things, didn't we, Joe?

Oh, don't blame yourself, Mabel.

You ain't the first one to
fall heir to my irresistibility.

Joe, I can't think of
another man in the world

I'd rather marry,
if I loved him.

I'll never see a
berry or a mountain

without thinking of you.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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