Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 10 - Betty Jo Goes to New York - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

You're not fooling me,
are you, Mrs. Douglas?

Darling, if I didn't mean it,
I wouldn't have asked you.

Oh, gee! This is
the most important,

wonderful thing that
ever happened to me.

Oh, wait till I tell the
kids at school that I'll be...



Wait, wait, wait.

It isn't settled yet.

First we have to get
your mother's permission.

Oh, is that all?

Well, then we're all set.

Oh, thank you.

- (grunts)
- Excuse me!

Oh, thank you, thank
you, Mr. Douglas!

- Thank you!
- For what?

For marrying Mrs. Douglas.

My pleasure.

It won't cost you anything, Mom.

And besides, even if it did
cost something, I could...

(sighs)

Mom, I promise I won't be
any trouble to Mrs. Douglas.

The whole thing is
out of the question.

Why is it out of the question?

Because it's an
imposition on Mrs. Douglas,

you tagging along to New York.

Tagging along? She asked me
to be her traveling companion.

- It was her idea.
- Sure, after you worked on her for an hour

like you're working
on me right now.

Mom, did I tell you
that Mrs. Douglas says

you won't have to worry
about my expenses?

- She's got it all wor...
- That does it.

If anything proves you're
too young to go to New York,

it's the way you've been
carrying on for the last hour.

Now, one more peep out of
you and you go to your room.

Gee. Just wait, you'll be sorry.

When I'm an old
lady of... of 34,

hobbling around
Hooterville, people will say...

"Look at poor Betty Jo.

"She had a chance
to go to New York,

but her mother
stood in her way!"

I'll go to my room.

You'll go farther than
that; you'll go to New York.

What?

I've changed my mind.

You can go to New York.

Mom! Oh, Mom, thank you!

Wow! A whole week in New York!

Could you possibly make it two?

Young lady, that
line looks the same

as it did ten minutes ago.

How come she gets
to go to New York?

Well... I never thought
I'd see petty jealousy

from one of my girls.

Tell you what we'll do.

While Betty Jo's gone,
we'll take a little trip.

Wonderful! Where?

Well, there's a marvelous
bill playing at the Pixley Bijou.

It's a Conrad Nagel festival.

Don't let Betty Jo find out.

She'll cancel her
trip to New York.

Betty Jo, you're
gonna need these.

Mom, no one takes their
own towels to the Ritz-Savoy.

Don't tell me about
big city hotels.

They charge outlandish rates

and then they only
give you two towels.

- We haven't room.
- Well, we'll just make room...

Mm.

These can stay here.

But I need them.

Well, when you try
out for the Yankees,

maybe Phil Rizzuto
will lend you his glove.

He's retired from baseball.

You see? He doesn't
need his glove.

Betty Jo, I just made out a list

of places of interest
for you to see.

These are musts.

Uncle Joe, the train's
gonna be here soon.

Kate, a trip to New York
only comes once in a lifetime.

You don't want to miss anything.

Now, after you've seen the
Python and the Periscope

- and the Flatiron Building...
- Python and the Periscope?

He means the Trylon
and the Perisphere.

They were attractions
at the World's Fair

way back in 1939.

Which is well worth seeing.

(whistle blows)

The train's here!

Oh. Uncle Joe, would you
go down and tell Charley

that we'll be right there?

Yep, but I want to
explain to her how to get

an extra slab of pie out of them
little windows in the Automat.

Tell Charley we're done. Good.

We're sure gonna
miss you, Betty Jo.

I'll only be gone for a week.

(sniffles) A week?

Well, let's not get
sickening about it.

- Uncle Joe.
- Well, it's disgusting,

seeing a grown man
act like an old lady.

Get them suitcases
aboard the coach.

You got to pick up Mrs. Douglas

in time to make them
bus connections in Pixley.

Well, let's get the
farewells over with.

You-you have a good
time, honey, and...

don't worry about us;
we'll get along just fine.

Sure you will, Uncle Joe.

It's gonna be kind of
nice and quiet around here

with nobody bouncing
balls off the side of the hotel

or running up and down
the st-stairs... (sniffles)

Good-bye, dear.

- H-Have a wonderful time.
- Thanks, Mom.

And I sure appreciate your not
loading me up with instructions.

(chuckling): Well, after
all, you're a big girl now.

(crying): Bye,
sis. And have fun.

Easy, Bobbie Jo.

(laughing): It isn't forever.

And-and you stay
with Mrs. Douglas.

And don't talk to any
strangers on the train.

- And keep yourself bundled up.
- Okay, Mom.

And write to me every day.

Mom, you promised.

And-and watch the food you eat.

And-and do everything
that Mrs. Douglas says.

And-and if you should get
an earache during the night...

Mom, I haven't had an
earache since I was five.

Or a sore throat, or if
you should, uh, fall down

and-and-and skin your knee...

Floyd, bring down the suitcases.

She isn't going.

Mom, I'll be fine.

Why, of course you will.

Good-bye, dear.

Look who came to say good-bye.

(whimpers)

Aw, he wants to go with you.

Oh, you be a good boy.

And don't talk to strangers.

And I'll write you every day.

And make sure you
eat the right things

and, and don't get
cold at night, and...

Come on, honey.

- Good-bye, dear.
- Good-bye.

You have fun.

You be a good
girl. I'll take that.

(Kate chuckles)

And d-don't forget to
write to me every day.

Okay, Mom. Bye-bye.

(train whistle blows)

♪♪

(jet engine rumbles)

(train chugging)

Right this way, ma'am...

Uh, madam... here, lady.

Careful with my
luggage, conductor.

Don't mar the finish.

Oh, yes, ma'am. No, ma'am.

I'll be careful, ma'am.

Come on, Floyd, you've wasted
enough time with this passenger.

- (Betty Jo coughs)
- Where's Bob... Betty Jo?

Why, she's... can't you see?

Who do you think...?

Oh! My baby.

What have they done to my baby?

How do you do, Mother?

- Welcome home...
- Enchanté, I'm sure.

Oh, thank you all

for this heartwarming reception.

Don't look at me.

I don't know what happened.

Mrs. Douglas came back
the same way she went.

Nothing's happened.

I'm still the same
sweet Betty Jo

that you all know and love.

(sighing): Oh, I've had
a most exhausting ride.

Ow!

What's the idea, Kate?

I just wanted to find out if
you were dreaming all this.

Well, dear, here
you are. Home again.

Well... what did you do to it?

Do to it?

Why, nothing.

Same old Shady Rest.

It looks so small.

Same size as it was a week ago.

(Betty Jo scoffs)

Gee, Betty Jo, you
sure look wonderful.

So different.

Oh?

I like your hat.

It's darling.

It's one like Mrs. Douglas has.

Your, uh, hair is
different, isn't it?

Mrs. Douglas took me to her
own hairstylist on the avenue.

The avenue?

Oh.

(chuckling): Well, I
thought everybody knew.

Fifth Avenue.

That Robert is divine.

He created my hairstyle
to enhance my personality.

What's left of it.

Bet none of them big city hotels

got anything like
this here elevator.

Well, I did see
something like it.

It was at the Bronx Zoo

and some pelicans
were living in it.

Betty Jo, you haven't said
anything about your room.

Oh, Mom, it...

(sighs) Well, my
room at the Ritz-Savoy

was three times this size.

And so bright and cheery.

And whenever I wanted anything,
I merely had to call downstairs.

Anybody can do that here.

Oh, well, there
they had a phone.

Oh, uh, did you have
breakfast in bed?

Yes, and you didn't
even have to be sick.

Betty Jo, there's
something missing.

You must have left
them in New York.

I can't imagine what.

Your mitt and your baseball cap

that you sneaked
into your luggage.

(laughs) Those old things?

Well, I'm having them
sent here by express.

You're what?

Oh, well, after all, Mother,

one doesn't pack
an old soiled glove

in one's personal luggage.

Mrs. Douglas and I were
on the go every minute.

Oh, you can't imagine how
much there is to do in New York.

How... how do you
like your supper?

Nightclubs, plays, and
musicals and parties...

Sounds like you had a busy week.

Oh, I was talking
about our first night.

Then Mrs. Douglas took
me to all the exclusive shops

and fancy restaurants.

Speaking of fancy restaurants,
Pixley Diner is starting

a businessman's
luncheon for 35 cents.

Oh, and then one
night Mrs. Douglas

and Gregory Tremayne
took me to a Persian café

and we all had shish kebab.

That's little pieces of
lamb on a flaming sword.

Oh, yeah, I-I-I know
what shish kebab is,

but what's a Gregory Tremayne?

He's a young man Mrs.
Douglas introduced me to.

He's the son of one
of Mr. Douglas' client's.

He's at least 19 and
very sophisticated.

I can imagine, ordering
shish kebab and all.

I'll bet it was expensive.

No, not too much.

If I could remember the
menu, it was around $12.

Imagine, $12 for three people.

Mother, it was
$12 for each of us.

Well, that's outrageous.

I could feed you all
week on that much.

You got to remember, Kate,
with them flaming swords,

you pay about 80
cents for the meat

and the rest of it's
for fire insurance.

Then Mrs. Douglas
took me to a party.

And guess who we met.

The most famous international...

Speaking of guess who,
guess who had their hair cut

at the Hooterville
Barbershop Saturday night.

Wilbur Trammel.

One of the most famous
international statesmen that...

Wilbur Trammel? I thought
he and Nora moved to Omaha.

JOE: They did, but...

KATE: And he came all the
way back here for a haircut?

Well, if you will remember,
Wilbur had sort of

a peculiar-shaped head.

Gonna take a while for them
Omaha barbers to catch on.

Oh, excuse us, Betty Jo.

Um, you were saying?

I was about to remark that
when Mrs. Douglas and I

met the ambassador from
Peru, we talked about something

more important
than, uh, haircuts.

You met an ambassador?

Several.

I had the most
fascinating conversation

with the French delegate
to the U.N. about modern art.

Have some more fried chicken.

Oh... no, thanks.

Right.

Fixed it specially for
you 'cause you like it.

(scoffs) Chicken is so plebeian.

At Françoise, Mrs. Douglas
and I had pheasant under glass.

Well, I'm sure you're
gonna like dessert.

Now, I-I couldn't decide
which one you liked the best,

so I cooked the whole shebang.

We're gonna have strawberry
shortcake, chocolate pudding,

apple turnover, blueberry pie.

You name it.

No baked Alaska?

Baked Alaska?

Oh... (laughs) unless
you'd been to New York,

you wouldn't understand.

It's sort of a... hot ice cream.

No, I didn't get
around to making it.

Maybe we can
barbecue her an ice cube.

Mom, I know.

Now that Betty Jo's
back, let's do something

we haven't done for a long time.

After we do the
dishes, I'll play the piano

and we can all sing.

How do you country people

endure this
monotonous existence?

(yawns)

Betty Jo?

Betty Jo Bradley!

Sounds like Mom's
mad at Betty Jo.

Elizabeth Josephine Bradley!

She's furious.

I'm sure glad it isn't me.

Bobbie Jo Bradley!

Oh! Coming, Mother.

Why aren't you
out in the kitchen

doing those pots and pans?

I was cleaning room number five.

That's Betty Jo's job.

Well, so are the pots and pans.

That girl. Where is she?

(muffled): I'll tell
you where she is.

She's over at the Douglases'.

How's that again, Uncle Joe?

She's over visiting
the Douglases again.

She ought to start
paying 'em rent.

I'm sick and tired
of every time...

Mom, listen!

I mean, uh... oh,
there you are, Mother.

I have some
delightful news for you.

Isn't that a coincidence?

I have some delightful
news for you, too.

The pots and pans
are in the kitchen,

and number five is
waiting to be cleaned up.

How can you possibly talk
about such mundane matters

when Gregory Tremayne is coming?

(Joe mumbles)

When he gets here, he can
help me sort out this wash,

which a certain niece of mine
should be doing instead of me,

and I...

Now get out of that fancy getup
and into some work clothes.

You've got a lot
of... Who's coming?

Gregory Tremayne.

I told you all about him.

He's that fascinating young man

Mrs. Douglas introduced
me to in New York.

(Joe mumbles)

Thanks, Kate.

Well, that's the fire-eater.

The kid with the flaming sword.

He's passing by on
his way to the coast,

and he's stopping by to have
dinner with me tomorrow night.

You mean he's coming
here to the Shady Rest?

Yes. And I want you
all to make sure...

That's wonderful.

Oh, I'm so glad.

A-And since he was so
nice to you in New York,

I'm gonna cook
him a special dinner.

Let's see: I'll-I'll
have baked ham,

candied sweet
potatoes, blueberry pie...

Is something wrong?

You can't possibly
serve that plebeian food

to a sophisticated
man of the world

like Gregory Tremayne.

Well, what does he eat?

Hummingbird earlobes and
cricket kneecaps el casserole?

I've already made out the menu.

Mother.

Pheasant under glass.

Artichoke hearts meunière.

Peaches marchambeau.

Trout almondine.

Oh, you can cook
them, can't you?

I can't even pronounce them.

Where did you dig up
such a crazy bill of fare?

Well, I asked Mrs.
Douglas what Gregory liked,

and she made some suggestions.

(laughing): Oh,
she did, did she?

Now, everybody listen.

Gregory is very refined.

Also, he starts
college next fall.

So I've made out another list.

Another list.

Bobbie Jo, don't bore
Gregory with how you won

the essay contest
at Hooterville High.

And, Uncle Joe, don't wear
your old sweater to dinner.

And while we're dining,
please don't lean your elbows

on the table.

(dog barks)

Down, get down, you naughty boy.

Why can't you behave
like Mrs. Douglas' dog?

(whimpers)

Welcome to the club.

Oh, and a couple more things...

Yes, like the pots and pans.

Get into your jeans.

Really, Mother.

Yes, really, Mother. Now get.

(Betty Jo sighs)

Betty Jo is sure going Hollywood
since she went to New York.

She acts like she's
Miss Park Avenue

and we're Tobacco Road.

Well, I've had it.

If you hear a sonic boom,

it'll be coming from
the Douglas farm.

All the time we
were in New York,

that Betty Jo kept wishing
that you were there.

- She did?
- Mm-hmm.

(laughs) Well...

but why did she come
back so different?

Because New
York is so different.

It's very exciting
for a young girl.

They get carried away.

Oh, yes, I... I
guess you're right.

I remember how excited I was

the first time my aunt
brought me to the city.

To New York?

Uh, no, no, no,
Crabwell Corners.

It took me two
weeks to get over it.

Taking me longer than that.

I figure I owe you an apology,

barging in here like a mother
buffalo protecting her calf.

Ah, that's what mother
buffaloes are for.

And-and don't
worry about Betty Jo.

In a little while she will be

back where she
was before she went.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

But that isn't gonna
help me tomorrow night.

What is happening
tomorrow night?

Well, we are having
Gregory Tremayne for dinner.

And you don't
know how to cook it?

Oh, no, no, no.

I-I-It's a person.

A-And I've got to whip
up a pompano amandine,

peaches marchambeau...

I can help you with that.

You know how to
cook pompano and...

No, but I have a
gourmet cookbook.

You can have it;
hasn't been opened.

(chuckles) Yeah, that...

that takes care of dinner.

But it isn't gonna be quite
as easy to take care of me.

Oh, it's easier than you think.

And for that, I don't
even need a book.

Why, you are going to... be

the most stunning
woman in Hootersville.

(dog barking)

Mother, the train's in!

(dog continues barking)

I thought I told you
to stay in the kitchen.

(whines)

Don't argue.

The lobby is no place for you
when I'm expecting company.

(groans)

Well, how do I look?

(sighs) I guess
it'll have to do.

My, Uncle Joe, you
sure look handsome.

You're no slouch
yourself, Bobbie Jo.

- (Bobbie Jo giggles)
- We've got a treat coming.

I just sneaked some of the sauce

off of that peach
"mar-shambles."

At the Ritz-Savoy,

a gentleman doesn't
come in licking his fingers.

Course not.

That's 'cause he ain't
got as good of food

as your mother can make.

(Betty Jo sighs)

Well, that must be Gregory.

What's keeping Mother?

Gregory, enchanté.

Betty Jo.

Quaint little gatehouse here.

I suppose the footman here

will escort us up
to the mansion.

(laughs) Gregory,
you're as witty as ever.

Uh, may I present my family.

Bobbie Jo, this is
Gregory Tremayne,

an old friend from the East.

Hello.

Gregory, my sister Bobbie Jo.

How do you do?

And this is my footman... um,

my uncle, Mr. Joseph Carson.

How do you do, Mr. Carson?

Hiya, Greg.

Have a good trip?

It's, uh, Gregory.

Well, I jetted the
first thousand miles,

and that wasn't so bad.

And then I jolted
the last 20 miles

in that steam-driven skateboard.

(Betty Jo laughs)

I wonder what could
be keeping Mother.

I'll go see.

Oh, don't bother, I'll get her.

Holy smoke.

I mean, uh, Mother,
this is Gregory Tremayne.

Gregory, my mother.

Enchanté, Mr. Tremayne.

Elizabeth Josephine has
told us so much about you.

Well, now that the
formalities is over,

let's put on the feed bag.

Uncle Joe.

What Uncle Joe meant to say is,

dinner is served.

Got to hand it to you, Kate,

this trout
almondine's real tasty.

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Tremayne, it
might add to your enjoyment

to know that Uncle Joe
caught these fish this morning.

I wasn't gonna mention it.

That big one right there

put up quite a scrap.

I had to hit him with my
shoe before he lay still.

Aren't you hungry, Mr. Tremayne?

Not really.

Betty Jo said trout almondine
was your favorite dish.

It is... at the Waldorf.

Well, I'd be glad to accept
any of your suggestions

the next time you, uh, jet in.

Well, perhaps I should
talk to the chef directly.

Well, you're talking
to the chef right now.

You mean to say that you're...

The hostess, the lady
of the house, you...

you personally
go in the kitchen?

(laughs) Your
mother actually cooks.

Well, when you run a hotel,
there's more to it than cooking.

You have to sweep and dust.

Sweeping and dusting.

(chuckles) Amusingly primitive.

I've had enough of this.

We may be primitive,
but we aren't rude.

Betty Jo, Mr. Tremayne...
Please, Mom.

Ever since he got here,

he's done nothing but sneer

at the hotel and pick at
Bobbie, you, and Uncle Joe.

And the only thing that's
wrong with this food is,

it's too good for him.

Just a minute. I'm...

You're a phony,
that's what you are.

Well, I don't have to
sit here and be insulted.

I'll thank you for my hat.

BETTY JO: Thanks, boy.

The way he acted... like he
was better than everybody else,

just because he happened
to come from a big city.

Who does he think he is, anyway?

Betty Jo Bradley?

Gee... was I that
much of a stinker?

Oh, I'm the luckiest
girl in the whole world.

I've got the best uncle
and the best sister

and the most wonderful mom.

Well, how about dessert?

Should I go get the
peaches marchambeau?

Well, if it's all the
same to you, Mom,

I'd rather have some
of your blueberry pie.

Well... welcome
back to the club.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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