Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 5 - As Hooterville Goes - full transcript

Among Hooterville's
many points of pride

is the fact that it's the
first town in the state

to have votes tabulated
on election day.

That is until Crabtree Corners

gets a new automatic
voting machine.

This episode marks the
first appearance of Kate's rival

Selma Plout, played
by Virginia Sale

until Elvia Allman
takes over the role

for the rest of the series.

Let's see how the votes fall

in the episode entitled
"As Hooterville Goes."



(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(bell clanging, steam huffing)

Come on. I'm waiting
for the hammer.

I'm doing the best I can.

Here.

For crying out loud.

Tacking up a sign or
knocking down the depot?

Very funny, Mr. Winslow.

"Have fun.

Vote at 12:01."

Hot ziggity!

What's the matter?

Don't you have poetry
at Crabwell Corners?

They don't have anything
at Crabwell Corners,

and that's why he
came over here,

to see what a real
civilized town looks like.

I'm not here
because I want to be.

My father made me drive him over

so's he could make
a few election bets

at the barbershop.

Marbles, chalk or bottle caps?

He is giving two to one

that Crabwell Corners gets
its returns to the state capitol

before you do.

Doesn't he know we've
beaten Crabwell Corners,

and every other city in
this state, 20 years in a row?

Well, what do we
care if his father wants

to throw away his money?

Yeah.

Come on, let's finish this.

Now what are we
gonna do about that?

Uh, move the poster up higher.

Watch your fingers!

Clod.

Anything else I can do to help?

Yeah. Get lost.

I'll see ya...

when we drive over
to collect our winnings.

In that case, we'll
never see you again.

Move it up some more.

Where did that one come from?

Oh... (chuckles)

That's left over
from the last election.

Baking powder, sugar,
coffee... Is that all, Kate?

No, there are a couple
of other things I needed.

Let me see.

Uh, I know what it was.

A jar of cucumber pickles.

Cucumber pickles.

There's something else I need

and I can't remember
what it was for the life of me.

Salt. No.

Cornstarch? Mm-mm.

Flour? No.

Kate, Sam... Tub of lard?

Guess who's in town.

Rock Hudson.

Pip Winslow.

That's a big letdown.

And he's over at the
barbershop right now.

Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What's the matter?

Ain't there a barbershop
in Crabwell Corners?

No, he ain't over
there to get a haircut.

He's making bets
on the election.

He's laying two to one
that Crabwell Corners

get their returns in first.

And do you know
why he's so confident?

They got an automatic
voting machine.

They got an auto...
Who told you?

I read it in the paper.

I didn't see it.

It was right under
the "help wanted" ads.

Well, if we've got to compete
against a voting machine,

we've gotta speed up
our voting procedure.

In the first place, we'll
double-ink the inkpads

so we won't have
to pound it so much

to get ink on the stamp.

Then we'll...

Joe, who put you in charge
of election arrangements?

There ought to be no question
about me being in charge...

I do all the work.

You do all the...?!

Who gets all the signs printed

reminding the
folks to vote early?

Sam does.

Well, who sees
the polling places

open at midnight?

Sam does.

Well, he don't
roust out the voters

and see that they're
in line by midnight.

No, high school kids do that.

I suppose they bring
all the outlying voters

into town to vote.

Uh-uh. Floyd and Charley do.

But you keep on
working on it, Uncle Joe,

and you'll think of
something you do.

Well, I can tell you
one thing he does,

he gloms on to all the credit.

When it comes to
humility, I ain't got no equal.

SAM: That goes
for bragging, too.

You see these?

These are newspaper clippings
from the County Sentinel

for the past 20 years.

Here, 1946: "Joe
Carson, genial manager

"of the Shady Rest
Hotel, led Hooterville's

voters to the polls last night."

1948: "Braving the bitter cold,

"genial, warm-blooded,
Joe Carson

"manager of the
Shady Rest Hotel,

herded shivering Hooterville
citizens to another victory."

1949: "Joe Carson, genial and heroic
manager of the Shady Rest Hotel,

"carried a woman
across a swollen stream

so's Hooterville could
get in its vote first."

1949... Wasn't that the
year we had the big drought?

Yeah; the only thing that
was swoll that year was

Joe's head, as usual,

hogging all the credit.

All I did was call
up the county paper

and give 'em the
facts as I saw 'em.

And as you saw them, nobody
else was worth mentioning.

I could have
mentioned everybody.

Then why didn't you?

Because it was a
long-distance call

and I didn't want to run up

a big bill on your phone.

Oh, well...

My phone?! You mean, you charged

all that
limelight-hogging to me?!

Here's your hammer, Mr. Drucker.

Oh-ho... I wouldn't
put a thing like this

in Sam's hand at this
particular moment.

(all clamoring)

Ladies!

The chair declares that

the "Every Other Wednesday
Afternoon Discussion Club"

is now in session.

Would any of you like to hear
the minutes from the last meeting,

taken down in shorthand by my
daughter Billie Jo and typed up real neat?

No!

Selma, would you
mind putting that

in the form of a motion

less likely to make
me lose my temper?

I make a motion we dispense
with reading of the minutes.

Which were taken
down in shorthand

by my daughter Billie
Jo and typed up real neat.

All those in favor,
raise your hands.

(gavel bangs) So ordered.

Now, ladies, we're meeting today
to decide about the refreshments

we're gonna serve
after the voting.

I don't see why we
have to serve anything.

The voters have
come to expect it.

Now, Doris, last year, you
and Fred donated a ham.

Can we count on that again?

Fred's smoking the
finest one on our pig farm.

Good.

Emilia'll whip up some of
her special baked beans

and I'll make the apple pies.

Now have I forgotten anything?

My donuts.

Oh, didn't I mention them?

You did not!

At the meeting after
the election last year,

we voted to suspend your donuts.

I wasn't at that meeting.

Kate Bradley, you railroaded
that through when I wasn't here

just so's my donuts wouldn't
compete with your apple pies.

That isn't true.

You can't stand to have
anybody "oh and ah" over anything

except your soggy pies!

Selma, you sit down.

You're asking for the truth,
and you're gonna get it.

The reason your donuts
were voted out was because

there were so many complaints

about them causing
indigestion and insomnia.

That's not so, Kate Bradley!

If you don't believe me,
ask Doc Stewart to show you

the records of the
house calls he made,

the day after election.

Well, if that's all
the appreciation I get

from this community, I don't
see any point in getting out

of a warm bed in the
middle of the night,

just to stand in
line to cast my vote.

I'll vote at a respectable
hour, like 4:00 in the afternoon.

But Selma, Crabwell
Corners will beat us,

and that'll ruin the
whole 20-year record.

Maybe it'll wake folks up

to the fact that all these
vote-early shenanigans

are nothing more than a scheme

to get free advertising
for a certain party's hotel.

Would you care to
say who you mean

by "a certain party's hotel"?

And what free
advertising am I getting?

After every election,

all the County Sentinel
mentions is how

the voters were
organized by the manager

of the Shady Rest Hotel.

They never mention
the fact I make donuts.

You ought to thank 'em for that.

(guffaws)

Doris, Selma, it might
look that way in the paper,

but anybody who
knows Uncle Joe...

knows he does what you tell him.

You put him up
to the whole thing.

Exploiting the
election for your own

free-advertising ends.

It's time the voters got
the wool out of their eyes.

"Mrs. Bradley continued:

'As far as I'm concerned,
Selma Plout, you can bake

'a whole slew of those
donuts, eat them yourself

'and then go jump in the
lake and see if you come up.'

Meeting adjourned."

(all snicker)

Well, maybe funny to
us now, but I'm afraid

Selma's gonna
have the last laugh.

If she doesn't get
up at midnight to vote,

Crabwell Corners
is gonna beat us

even without a voting machine.

If Crabwell Corners wins,

that Tad Winslow is
really gonna be unbearable.

Oh, I don't care
about Tad Winslow.

The worst thing is that if
Crabwell Corners does beat us,

Hooterville's gonna
have to go back to being

just a plain ordinary town.

Doggone it!

It's a shame letting her
spoil a 20-year record.

Well, we may not be first,

but at least we can
get everybody to vote.

Well, if they read their mail,

they won't forget to vote...

Vote for whosis,
don't vote for whosis,

what to vote for, and
what not to vote for,

and what the heck is this?

"Hooterville Chamber
of Commerce"?

We don't have a
Chamber of Commerce.

I ain't got enough to do,
now I got to mail this back.

Now where the heck is my other

"Ain't No Such Party at
This Here Address" stamp?

Get your hands off that!

That's U.S. mail!

You could get ten years
for tampering with it.

I wasn't tampering with it.

I just wanted to
see who it was from.

Well, it's none of your
business who it's from.

Well, you told
me who it was for.

Well, that's different, 'cause
there ain't no such party

as a Hooterville
Chamber of Commerce.

"Office of the Governor,
State Capitol Building."

That looks pretty official.

Hey, how come she's
allowed to read it and I ain't?

'Cause I like her
and I don't like you.

Looks mighty important, Sam.

Uh, can't you open it?

Oh, no, sorry, Kate.

That's against regulations.

What's more important,
some stupid regulation

or what's in the
governor's letter?

The only one who
can open this letter

is the Hooterville
Chamber of Commerce.

But we ain't got one.

Well, you can always form one.

Now all in favor of forming a
chamber of commerce say aye.

Now just a second, Joe.

Are you sure this ain't
gonna cost us nothing?

I told you it wasn't.

Well, all right. Aye.

How about you,
Floyd? You in favor?

Well, I'd like to study
on this for a little while.

Why?

I don't know if there's enough
commerce in Hooterville

so's we need a chamber.

Maybe if we had the chamber,

we could drum up
some commerce, huh?

Yeah, maybe we could.

Okay, I vote aye.

Good.

I now declare the Hooterville
Chamber of Commerce in business.

Postmaster... Yeah?

You got any mail for the
Hooterville Chamber of Commerce?

"As the governor
of this great state..."

You ain't governor.

He's just reading
what it says in the letter

that come to us
chamberses of commerces.

Just so's he knows he ain't
putting nothing over on us.

Will you shut up?

"As the governor of this great
state, I would like to commend

"the citizens of Hooterville
on the wonderful record

they have maintained during
the last 20 election years."

It's about time
somebody took notice

of the things I've
done for Hooterville.

Besides hogging all the
credit, what have you done?

Well, for one thing,

I formed the first
chamber of commerce.

Well, he did.

Thanks, Kate.

"Knowing full well that,
once again, Hooterville

"will be first in the
state with its vote,

"I am sending a
bill to the legislature

"citing your city for
setting a splendid example

of good citizenship."

How about that?

Yeah, how about that?

Can he send us a bill just
'cause we've been good citizens?

KATE: No, no, Floyd.

It isn't that kind of a bill.

You see, he'll send the
bill to the legislature...

And they're gonna
make us pay it?

Oh, no. They...
Forget it, Floyd.

The governor
better forget it too,

since we ain't gonna
be first again this year.

I bet Selma wouldn't
have been so upset

if her name would've
been in the paper.

Say that again.

Say what again?

What you just said.

Oh, say what again.

Floyd!

Well, that's what I said.

Floyd, I think you've given
me the glimmer of an idea.

Glad to do it, Kate.

And you're always
saying I'm stupid.

What did you have in mind, Kate?

Well, I think that we can put

this newly formed chamber
of commerce to work.

How do I look, Sam?

Well, Selma, you
better move over a bit

so I get a little contrast

between you and
that sack of potatoes.

Yeah, perfect.

Uh, now, Floyd, you
hand her the scroll

and, Charley, you make
the presentation speech.

And while you're
talking, I'll snap it.

Oh behalf of the Hooterville
Chamber of Commerce,

we present you, Selma
Plout, with this scroll,

naming you the
voter of the year,

for your unstinting help

and for donating your
time and your donuts

to getting the
Hooterville vote out first.

Including the upcoming election.

(shutter clicks)

It ain't right Charley and
Floyd gettin' their pictures took

and hogging all the publicity.

Look, Uncle Joe,
this was the only way

we could bamboozle
Selma out of her sulk.

Now, if you want
to undo all this

just because you want
your picture in the paper,

I'm sure the town will be
glad to accommodate you.

Just remember one thing:

keep your face to the camera

so we'll see who's smiling at us

through the tar and feathers.

Mom, I'm just about through.

What do you want me to do next?

Get another basket of
apples and peel them.

Takes a lot of apples
to make 12 pies.

Ma... Hm?

I can't find the pie tins.

Well, that's strange.

Had a dozen of 'em.

Well, I guess if
there's no pie tins,

I don't have to peel
any more apples.

Stay where you are, Billie Jo.

I'll find them.

What's this?

I thought I told you to hide
your bones out in the backyard.

I wonder where they can be?

They must be in here.

How many of these did you hide?

This goes in the backyard, too.

Ain't the pies baked yet?

I can't find my pie tins.

Women are just no
good for organizing.

In the past hour, I've dressed,
ironed the ribbon on my badge,

drawed a map of the
valley for the places

where Charley and
Floyd's to pick up the voters

and packed the noisemakers
for the block captains.

What noisemakers?

Oh, something new
I ordered this year.

Last year, the captains
had a lot of trouble

waking up the heavy sleepers.

This year we're equipping
them with New Year's Eve horns

to blow and ratchets to whirl.

And 12 of my pie
tins to bang on.

Go get 'em.

But, Kate... Go get 'em!

Now look what you've
done... Curled my ribbon.

Mmm! You girls sure
outdid yourself this year.

No nibbling until
after you've voted.

Well, uh...

I got a friend on
the election board.

Who? You.

Oh! (chuckles)

Selma bring her donuts in yet?

(laughing): No...

Maybe she dropped one
on her foot and broke it.

(all laughing)

Good evening, everybody.

See my picture in the paper?

Hooterville's voter of the year.

Big as life.

And twice as ugly.

Sam, help me carry
these pies over, huh?

Well, I guess you brought your
donuts, huh, Selma? Yes, indeedy.

(loud rattle)

S-Selma, you do
make the loude...

Lightest donuts.

Sam, could you take these
while I hang up my coat?

(clattering)

What the heck is
going on out there?

(clattering)

What are you doing in there?

Taking this booth
inside, where it belongs.

Well, there's no
room for it in the store.

It's gonna be too cold out here.

Then everybody will vote faster,

so's they can go inside
for coffee and refreshments.

Look, I told Sam I wanted...

What authority have you
got to tell anybody anything?

This authority.

Look, curly, don't point
that phony thing at me.

I out-badge you.

(whistle blowing)

Wake up, Mr. Doocey!

Okay, Billie Jo, zero hour.

Start waking them up.

Everybody up!

Come on, time to vote!

(whistle blowing)

Come on, Mr. and
Mrs. Larrabee, get up!

(whistle blows)

Come on, everybody,
come on, wake 'em up!

We got to win this
year! We got to win!

Come on, everybody, up!

(whistle blows)

Mr. and Mrs. Keefer,
time to get up and vote!

(whistle blowing)

Everybody up! Everybody up!

(whistle blows)

There are lights
going on all over town.

(train whistle blowing)

Whistle for Gerber's Crossing.

Got four more voters
to pick up there.

What gives you the
right to order us around?

This.

You want me to report
you to the governor?

(whistle blowing)

(blowing)

Better get the ballots out, Sam.

They're starting to line up.

11:25, right on schedule.

It's 11:38.

We'll be whistling
for Milbank's Farm

in about a minute.

Here we're two minutes
behind schedule.

We still got a lot
of voters to pick up.

How many we got in
the coach so far, Floyd?

Oh, 18, not counting
Philbert Brenner's cow.

What'd you let him
bring his cow along for?

We had to... he wouldn't
come without her.

He had a choice between
voting and milking.

Line's getting longer.

It'll be halfway round the store

by the time the
Cannonball gets here.

If it gets here.

It'll get here.

You remember what
happened last election?

Charley and Floyd were
so busy arguing politics,

they didn't even notice

that the coach and
tender parted company.

Oh, I don't think they'll make

the same stupid mistake
two years in a row.

He's a good man.

Says who? Says me.

Oh, what do you know?

Well, I know he's a good man.

I'll leave it to Joe.

What do you think?

I think we lost the coach.

(loud hissing)

(wheels screeching)

(engine chugging)

Easy, Charley, easy.

(screeching)

(mooing)

DORIS: Fred just
finished salting this ham.

The finest ham
you ever did taste.

Here we are. Will you
have some donuts?

Help yourself, folks.
Now there's plenty.

Donuts! Donuts!

Donut, anybody?

Floyd?

Watch it, Floyd.

You could hurt somebody
real bad with one of them things.

Thanks, Philbert.

You're the last one to vote.

Are you sure?

Positive. I checked 'em.

Folks, at exactly
18 minutes to 1:00,

Hooterville's completed
its voting 100%.

(cheering)

Well, Sam, all we have
to do is tally up the votes

and phone the results
to the state capitol.

I wonder how Crabwell
Corners is doing?

How's things in
Crabwell Corners, Tad?

Pretty good, Mr. Carson.

Except the voting machine's
broken down a couple of times.

My pop sent me over to
see how you're doing here.

All over but the counting.

What odds was your
father laying, Tad?

Two to one.

That means he owes me 38 cents.

Are you sure?

It's the third time
I counted them.

142 ballots and 143
registered voters.

Well, check the registration
book and see who didn't vote.

Well, who is it?

The genial manager
of the Shady Rest Hotel.

(clock chiming)

Well, there goes
a 20-year record.

Yeah, Crabwell Corners
has finally beaten us.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Collect?

Let me talk to Uncle Joe.

Okay, we'll accept the charges.

Uncle Joe, where are you?

I'm at the voting place over
here in Crabwell Corners,

rubbing in our victory.

Yeah, the voting
machine broke down again.

There's eight people
still waiting to vote.

And you ought to see...

They got the machine all
apart... Springs, gears, bolts,

all over the floor.

Uncle Joe, how long is
it gonna take 'em to fix it?

Oh, about an hour.

But that don't
make no difference.

We've had our
tally in for... What?

You didn't vote.

I didn't?

No, you didn't.

And now you better
get back here and vote

before that machine's fixed,

or else you'd better
put in an application

to be the genial manager of
the Crabwell Corners Hotel!

(door opening)

Morning, everybody.

Uncle Joe!

It's ten after 6:00!

Any coffee?

What took you so long?

Had to walk back.

Why did you even bother?

So I could vote.

Where's Sam?

He's in the back, asleep.

Well, wake him up.

Let him sleep.

You can vote later.

If I vote now, we can still
beat Crabwell Corners.

They won't have their voting
machine fixed until noon.

They had to send all
the way to the county seat

for a cycloid gear.

A... A what?

Here. One of these.

Why, Uncle Joe, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.

Uncle Joe!

Watch it, Kate, you're
curling my badge.

Ooh! What badge?

How do you like that?

Somebody swiped it.

It just goes to show you...

You can't trust anybody.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.