Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 33 - There's No Stove Like an Old Stove - full transcript
Uncle Joe plots to buy a new stove to replace the old wood-burning stove that Kate currently uses. The old stove requires Joe to constantly cut wood for the burning.
Uncle Joe would just love to see
Kate get a nice, new,
modern kitchen stove
to ease the workload
at the Shady Rest.
And if that doesn't
sound like my Uncle Joe,
let me explain.
It's his workload we're
talking about here.
Chopping wood for the old
stove is a pain in the neck
Uncle Joe would
love to eliminate.
Let's see how it works out
in "There's No Stove
Like an Old Stove."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
Uncle Joe?
Uncle Joe?
Do you know where Uncle Joe is?
(barks twice)
Where? Where? Show me.
(snoring softly)
(snoring continues)
(continues snoring)
(loudly): Going up?
Hey... Oh, hi, Kate.
Found a new place to snooze?
Yeah, you never
would've found me
if it hadn't been for
that four-legged fink.
(low growl)
Well, come on, let's get
the rocker out of there.
I haven't finished
my researching.
Researching? Trying to
find out if the elevator's livable
in case the hotel ever gets
filled up and we have to rent it out.
Oh, I don't think we
have to worry about that.
Well, I guess you're right on the kind
of reputation the hotel's been getting.
What do you mean by that?
Well, Kate, if you don't know,
I'll be the first
one to tell you.
Well, would you mind telling me?
Now, don't take this personal,
but your cooking is
driving people away.
Oh, is that all?
How can you keep
so calm about it?
Uncle Joe, I don't know
what it is you're
trying to tell me.
But whatever it is, would
you chop some wood?
You hit the nail
right on the head.
And your head's going to be next
unless you chop some wood.
Kate, what's the sense of
cutting wood for that stove
when that's what's
ruining your reputation?
There is nothing
wrong with that stove
except it needs some wood.
Kate, it's nice of
you to stick up for it,
but that's what's
ruining your cooking.
I haven't had any complaints
about my cooking from
anybody, including you.
That's because I ain't
no Lucius J. Penrose.
Lucius J. Penrose... how did
he get in this conversation?
Oh, well, he's one of
them "gourmett" type
of eating experts,
so naturally I just
brought him up.
Would you chop some wood, huh?
Kate, what would you do
if he dropped around
for a sample meal?
He isn't dropping around.
Yeah, but suppose he did
and caught you with that stove.
Kate, take my
advice and get rid of it.
That stove works, and whatever
works stays around here,
and what doesn't
work doesn't stay.
Any questions?
Yeah.
Where's the ax?
Hey, Charley,
where is "Airymule"?
Airymule?
That's where they
stamped it from.
That's an airmail.
You mean they sent it airmail
all the way from "Airymule"?
That's a United
States Airmail stamp.
Then how come we're
carrying it by train?
We could get in a lot of
trouble with them pilots.
It goes by airplane to
the County Seat Airport
and by bus to Hooterville,
and from Hooterville to
the Shady Rest by train.
Well, how about that, Charley?
If it wasn't for our train,
they couldn't carry the airmail.
Your pressure's dropping, Floyd.
Roger.
You're over and you're out.
We gonna fly airmail,
we got to talk airmail.
(whistle blowing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Hi, fellas. Hi, Kate.
We brought your mail.
Good, where is it?
In the words of the
United States Post Office,
neither rain in the sheets
or a broom on the right
can put stays in your
appointed ground.
Just deliver the letter, not
the Gettysburg Address.
Was that the Gettysburg Address?
Two cents due.
Oh.
There you are.
I'll take it.
It's for Kate.
Lucius J. Penrose.
Is that who it's from?
Now, ain't that a coincidence?
It sure is.
How do you know?
Joe just said it was.
Kate mentioned his name
not more than a half hour ago.
You mentioned it.
Well, I knew it was
somebody's coincidence.
Who's Lucious Penbrook?
Penrose.
He's a famous "gourmett."
Oh, how about that?
Do you know what
a "gourmett" is?
Of course.
What is it?
You tell him, Joe, and
I'll see if you're right.
Well, a "gourmett" is a fella
that can tell fried
chicken from fried rabbit
without counting the legs.
Right.
Thanks for bringing
the letter, fellas.
Wait a minute, Kate,
what does he say?
Nothing.
Didn't he say anything
about accepting your invitation
to drop out here
for a sample meal?
Then you did write to him.
Oh, well, I might have
dropped him a line,
mentioned your cooking.
What for?
You said it was terrible.
Oh, don't listen to him, Kate.
What does he know?
He ain't no "gourmett."
No, he can't count.
Do you know what'll
happen if Lucius Penrose puts
his seal of approval
on your cooking?
You'll be famous.
Why, eaters from all
over will flock to your table
and stuff themselves
with your Lucius Penrose-
approved type of cooking.
I don't need Mr. Penrose
to approve my cooking.
No, we approve it
and we're two of the
biggest eaters around.
Aren't you, Charley?
Thanks, Floyd.
Kate, what them
two freeloaders say
don't mean nothing,
but if Lucius Penrose
eats your cooking
and puts his sign on the
front of the hotel, you're in.
Kate, I figure the
sign will go right here.
What sign?
Uncle Joe invited Lucius
Penrose to eat here.
The man that writes that
famous newspaper column,
recommending restaurants
all over the world?
Yeah, your mother's
going to get recommended
as soon as she
puts in a new stove.
There's nothing
wrong with my stove.
(coughs)
Mom, Mom, there's
something wrong with the stove!
Oh, my goodness.
(sneezes)
What's wrong with it?
I don't know, it's
smoking like crazy.
Oh, open a window.
Uncle Joe, do something.
(coughs)
That takes care of the trouble.
It also takes care
of the supper.
What's wrong with the stove?
Well, it seems like
something's stuck in the flue.
Smells like an old boot.
How'd you know?
Oh, I don't know,
whatever's stuck in there...
I-I mean, whatever happened,
it's a good thing it happened
before Lucius J.
Penrose got here.
Oh, that's the man that
you dictated the letter
to me that you didn't
want to tell Mom that...
I know all about it.
Yeah, well, now
all we have to do is
get this stove out of here and
make room for the new one.
What new one?
You're going to
buy one, ain't you?
No.
Kate, you can't cook a
meal for Lucius J. Penrose
on top of Old Smoky.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to.
I can see his column now...
"Hearty Man Ate a
Condemned Meal."
Uncle Joe, even if I
wanted to buy a new stove,
there wouldn't be
time for me to order it
before Mr. Penrose gets here.
It'll be here.
What?
Kate, I-I don't know
how to say this,
but, uh, I ordered one.
For somebody that didn't
know how to say it, you said it.
How could you
order a stove with...?
Kate, I'm just
trying to help you.
Yes, and every time you
do, I end up screaming for it.
Well, what kind of stove
did you order, Uncle Joe?
Never mind that.
How much is it going to cost?
Oh, it ain't very expensive.
How much isn't very expensive?
About a dollar a week.
That's not bad.
52 weeks.
Oh, that's not bad.
Seven-and-a-half years.
Now, that's bad.
Kate, instead of
worrying about the cost,
you should be thanking me
for my foresight in ordering it.
Uncle Joe, would you mind
explaining something to me?
How come you were
able to order a new stove
in time for Mr. Penrose
when you didn't know that
this one was going to conk out?
Well, I guess it
was just another one
of them coincidental
coincidences.
I trust everything met with
your approval, Mr. Penrose?
I'm still alive.
Is there anything I can get you?
Yes, the chef.
Call Robert.
Oh... this will be such
an honor for Robert...
To meet the great
Lucius Penrose.
I am sure it will.
Monsieur Penrose, did
you enjoy the duck l'orange?
Thank you for identifying
that mess for me.
I thought it was
the mystery meal.
You did not like it?
Monsieur Penrose...
Monsieur Penrose...
Monsieur Penrose!
Oh, not your sign,
Monsieur Penrose.
(sobbing)
Sam, could I please
use your phone?
It's an emergency.
Well, what's wrong?
Well, I got to stop
a stove. A stove?
Kate, you need a new one.
Sam, could I please
use your phone?
I want to catch
Floyd and Charley
before they leave
Pixley with it.
Help yourself.
(woman talking
indistinctly over phone)
And you take three
eggs, separate the whites
and fold them into the
batter, and then you...
Hello, hello?
Who's that?
It's Kate Bradley, Selma.
Well, hang up.
I'm talking.
Where was I?
Oh, yes, you take
the batter and let it sit.
Selma, please, this
is an emergency.
So is this.
Maude's expecting company
and she has to bake a cake.
Look, just let me use the
phone for a minute or two.
I have to stop a stove.
From doing what?
I haven't time to
explain now, Selma,
so would you mind hanging up?
All right.
But this is one
hang-up you owe me.
Sarah, would-would you
get me the Pixley station.
Uncle Joe, if that
stove gets here...
Now, what's all this
fuss about a stove?
Oh, I did Kate a favor
and ordered her a new cook stove
because the old one was smokin'.
Oh, maybe there's
something stuck in the flue.
What could get
stuck in the flue?
Well, I don't know.
Oh, by the way, Joe,
those new rubber boots
you ordered ought to be here
any day now.
Rubber...
Hello? (Sarah
talking indistinctly)
Oh, are you sure, Sarah?
SARAH: Yes. Well okay, thanks.
Pixley station doesn't answer.
What time is it?
3:00.
They must have just
left on their 12:00 run.
Of all days to be on time.
Hey, maybe you can catch them
before they pass
Ben Miller's. Yeah.
SELMA: Leave it in the
oven for exactly 50 minutes
then take it out, sprinkle
powdered sugar on it,
and then let it sit.
Of course it's good.
Why, I've been
making this for years.
It's my own private recipe.
Selma, that's my
recipe; I gave it to you!
You did not give it to me.
I certainly did.
Maudie, that's my recipe.
Maude, don't pay
attention to her.
Kate Bradley, you have
no right to eavesdrop.
Selma, you said you'd
let me use the phone.
Now would you mind stop talkin'?
Very well.
Good-bye, Maude.
I hope you enjoy my recipe.
KATE: Hello?
Uh, Sarah, would
you get me Ben Miller?
Sarah's ringing Ben.
Hello? Oh, hello, Ben.
This is Kate.
(whistle blowing) Has the...
Never mind, Ben.
They passed Ben Miller's.
Kate, you've got nothing to lose
by letting that stove
get here. I haven't?
There's a 14-day
free trial on it.
If you don't like it,
you can send it back.
Suppose I like it?
Then you keep it.
I can't afford to keep it.
Then send it back.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do
if I can stop that train.
Well, you'd better hurry up.
They'll be passing
Fred Ziffel's any minute.
Hey.
Sarah... Sarah?
Ah, it-it's Kate again.
Would you try Fred
Ziffel's pig farm for me?
You're not having
much luck, Kate.
Why, Selma Plout,
you promised to
get off the phone!
I said I'd get off for talking;
I didn't say I'd get
off for listening.
Sarah, ring it again.
Fred isn't answering.
Well, maybe he's
out in Arnold's pen.
Well, if he was, he'd answer.
Arnold has an
extension in his pen.
Uh, Sarah, you'd
better Newt Kiley's, huh?
(static crackling)
Doesn't sound like
he's home either.
Keep ringing, Sarah.
Hi, Kate. Hi, Floyd.
Floyd!
I've been trying to head
off you and Charley.
We've got your new
stove on the train.
Swell.
Thanks, Sam.
That's okay.
Oh, I'd better let Selma
know she can use the phone.
And then when she
couldn't get Fred Ziffel,
she tried Newt Kiley.
And Sarah rang his number
and rang it and rang it.
I was gonna put a piece
in the paper about this.
By the time it comes
out, it'll be old news.
I should've sent it back.
You got 14 days.
It's gonna take us that
long to put it together.
There's more of it?
Well, these are
the instructions.
I don't need any instructions.
Look, why don't
we call Harley Smith
and let him put it together.
He's an expert on stoves.
Now why pay him good money?
I've been around stoves
as much as he has.
Yeah, but he works
around stoves;
you just sit around them.
Take flange A... (rattling)
Flange A.
Flange A.
KATE: Insert flange A
into slot C on side one.
A into C on side one.
Take connecting coil B...
Connecting coil B.
Coil B.
Insert coil B into
lower heating unit,
G one.
B into lower
heating unit, G one.
Nothing to this,
Kate. What's next?
Wing nuts seven, eight and nine,
and the bolts
one, two and three,
connect to the plate F
with the three tiny holes.
Well, that does it.
How does she look?
Well, she looks like
she does in the picture,
but she's... tilting.
Looks like the
Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Maybe you're only supposed
to cook Italian food on it.
What do you think, Uncle Joe?
Uncle Joe?
JOE (muffled):
Help... help. (tapping)
Oh, my goodness.
What's cookin'?
Get me out of here!
Well, back to the drawing board.
♪ ♪
There you are, Kate.
(clunking) We got
some parts left over.
Oh, I guess the
factory made a mistake
and put in too many.
What do we do now?
All you gotta do is plug
it in and start cooking.
Oh, no, thank you.
Here, you put it in the
socket, Betty. I'm too young.
Afraid, huh?
Here, you show 'em, Kate. Mm-mm.
You show 'em.
Maybe you were right
about calling Harley Smith.
Plug it in.
(electrical buzzing
and whirring)
(buzzing and whirring)
What's the matter?
Mom, you'd better
take another look
at the instruction book.
I don't have to.
All you have to
do is strike match A
and light candle B.
Joe! Is that you, Harley?
Harley ain't here yet.
Kate said for you
to keep pumping.
She ain't finished
cooking supper yet.
What she cooking?
I don't know.
But you'll be eating
by candlelight.
Ain't that romantic?
KATE: Uncle Joe!
You know, it's a good
thing this happened.
Good training for the contest.
What contest?
The Mr. Hooterville contest.
What's that?
No, it's the old Miss
Hooterville contest.
Oh, you mean where
they give a prize
to the girl with the
best legs? Yeah.
They found they
didn't have enough girls
for the contest this year,
so they shifted
it to the men. Oh.
You think I could enter?
Ha!
With legs like those,
they'd laugh you out of town.
Oh.
Of course, with
a little exercise,
you might stand a chance.
You think so? Sure.
Too bad you ain't got a bike.
You know they're talking
about $50 first-prize money.
$50!
$25 a leg.
You don't know where
I'd get a bike, do you, Joe?
No, I'm afraid not.
Hey, wait a minute.
I ain't eligible.
They'll probably want
me to be the judge.
Well, could I borrow
your bike, Joe?
Well, I don't know.
Please.
Well, what's a friend for if
you can't do him a favor?
KATE: Uncle Joe!
How am I doing, Joe?
You just started.
Don't expect miracles.
Where you going?
Off to fill out your
Mr. Hooterville application.
You're a real friend, Joe.
Is that the best
silver we've got?
From the Waldorf.
That's the best hotel
in the county seat.
Ain't you gonna put
no flowers on the table?
Mom's dusting the carnations.
The roses are better.
The wax melted.
Where are the fingerbowls?
Mr. Penrose is coming.
Uncle Joe, why don't
you go and put on a tie.
(train whistle blowing)
(barks twice)
Hey, the train's coming!
I heard it. Ain't you
gonna put on a tie?
Well, of course I'm go...
(bell clanging)
Doggone, my
muscles sure are sore.
How come you let Joe
euchre you into riding that bike
for five hours? He
didn't euchre me.
I wanted to.
Ain't that beautiful?
Enjoy your trip, Mr. Penrose?
It was delightful.
What were you before
you ran this train,
a kamikaze pilot?
And, incidentally,
about an hour back,
there was an uncommonly
smooth stretch of rail.
Don't you think you
ought to report it?
Ain't he a nice fella?
(train whistle blowing)
He's coming, Kate. Hurry it up.
Don't worry, Uncle Joe.
Now, girls, remember,
you serve from the left
and take from the right.
Why?
Are you superstitious?
Attention.
I am Lucius Penrose.
Mr. Penrose, on
behalf of the staff
and the owners of
this establishment,
I welcome you to the Shady Rest,
home of the fine cuisine
and good cooking...
Where is the dining room?
Good grief.
Louisa May Alcott
and the Little Women.
No, Mr. Penrose,
this is Kate Bradley,
the woman whose
cooking is a principle feature
of the Shady Rest hotel...
Which you're gonna put
up a sign up in front of,
uh, and furthermore...
Uncle Joe, would
you please stop talking
and say something?
Those are the
most sensible words
I've heard since I arrived.
When do I eat?
Right this way, Mr. Penrose.
This is the dining room?
Yes, sir.
Does the Smithsonian
Institute know
that you stole their furniture?
Now look here, Mr. Pennose.
Penrose is the name.
Well, whatever it is,
if you weren't my guest,
there are a few things
that I... Kate, you're
talking to Mr. Penrose.
That's all right. I find
it rather refreshing.
Oh, no, don't sit down.
Why, is there
something on the chair?
No, I want you to see our stove.
He isn't interested.
Oh, I'm sure he is.
You don't see stoves
like that up in the big city.
Oh, I'm sure he
has. I'm sure he ain't.
Now, my back has taken enough
suffering from that train ride.
So, shall we see it now?
There she is.
What is this?
KATE: That's my stove.
Your stove? But how sad.
How very, very sad.
Sad? What do you mean sad?
That's the best
stove you can buy
for a dollar a week.
What a price to
pay for civilization.
Mrs. Bradley, for the past 15
years, every meal that I've had,
every bit of food that I've
eaten has come from a barren,
faceless, mechanical
monster like this.
That's why when I
accepted your invitation
I was hoping for a
real, old-fashioned meal.
Cooked as only good
food should be cooked
on a slow-burning wood fire.
Well, if that don't
beat a boot in the flue.
Uncle Joe, get the axe.
If Mr. Penrose came here
for a wood-cooked meal,
that's what he's gonna get.
Mmm.
This soup is fantastic.
There's only one way
to cook... with wood.
I'm awarding your mother
the Lucius Penrose
seal of approval.
Wait till you taste
mom's fried chicken.
Bring it on.
Ready for the
fried chicken, Mom!
Coming up.
More wood, Uncle Joe.
Oh, Kate.
I gotta get that pressure up
to a hundred and sixty 'cause
I'm gonna bake muffins next.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
Kate get a nice, new,
modern kitchen stove
to ease the workload
at the Shady Rest.
And if that doesn't
sound like my Uncle Joe,
let me explain.
It's his workload we're
talking about here.
Chopping wood for the old
stove is a pain in the neck
Uncle Joe would
love to eliminate.
Let's see how it works out
in "There's No Stove
Like an Old Stove."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
Uncle Joe?
Uncle Joe?
Do you know where Uncle Joe is?
(barks twice)
Where? Where? Show me.
(snoring softly)
(snoring continues)
(continues snoring)
(loudly): Going up?
Hey... Oh, hi, Kate.
Found a new place to snooze?
Yeah, you never
would've found me
if it hadn't been for
that four-legged fink.
(low growl)
Well, come on, let's get
the rocker out of there.
I haven't finished
my researching.
Researching? Trying to
find out if the elevator's livable
in case the hotel ever gets
filled up and we have to rent it out.
Oh, I don't think we
have to worry about that.
Well, I guess you're right on the kind
of reputation the hotel's been getting.
What do you mean by that?
Well, Kate, if you don't know,
I'll be the first
one to tell you.
Well, would you mind telling me?
Now, don't take this personal,
but your cooking is
driving people away.
Oh, is that all?
How can you keep
so calm about it?
Uncle Joe, I don't know
what it is you're
trying to tell me.
But whatever it is, would
you chop some wood?
You hit the nail
right on the head.
And your head's going to be next
unless you chop some wood.
Kate, what's the sense of
cutting wood for that stove
when that's what's
ruining your reputation?
There is nothing
wrong with that stove
except it needs some wood.
Kate, it's nice of
you to stick up for it,
but that's what's
ruining your cooking.
I haven't had any complaints
about my cooking from
anybody, including you.
That's because I ain't
no Lucius J. Penrose.
Lucius J. Penrose... how did
he get in this conversation?
Oh, well, he's one of
them "gourmett" type
of eating experts,
so naturally I just
brought him up.
Would you chop some wood, huh?
Kate, what would you do
if he dropped around
for a sample meal?
He isn't dropping around.
Yeah, but suppose he did
and caught you with that stove.
Kate, take my
advice and get rid of it.
That stove works, and whatever
works stays around here,
and what doesn't
work doesn't stay.
Any questions?
Yeah.
Where's the ax?
Hey, Charley,
where is "Airymule"?
Airymule?
That's where they
stamped it from.
That's an airmail.
You mean they sent it airmail
all the way from "Airymule"?
That's a United
States Airmail stamp.
Then how come we're
carrying it by train?
We could get in a lot of
trouble with them pilots.
It goes by airplane to
the County Seat Airport
and by bus to Hooterville,
and from Hooterville to
the Shady Rest by train.
Well, how about that, Charley?
If it wasn't for our train,
they couldn't carry the airmail.
Your pressure's dropping, Floyd.
Roger.
You're over and you're out.
We gonna fly airmail,
we got to talk airmail.
(whistle blowing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Hi, fellas. Hi, Kate.
We brought your mail.
Good, where is it?
In the words of the
United States Post Office,
neither rain in the sheets
or a broom on the right
can put stays in your
appointed ground.
Just deliver the letter, not
the Gettysburg Address.
Was that the Gettysburg Address?
Two cents due.
Oh.
There you are.
I'll take it.
It's for Kate.
Lucius J. Penrose.
Is that who it's from?
Now, ain't that a coincidence?
It sure is.
How do you know?
Joe just said it was.
Kate mentioned his name
not more than a half hour ago.
You mentioned it.
Well, I knew it was
somebody's coincidence.
Who's Lucious Penbrook?
Penrose.
He's a famous "gourmett."
Oh, how about that?
Do you know what
a "gourmett" is?
Of course.
What is it?
You tell him, Joe, and
I'll see if you're right.
Well, a "gourmett" is a fella
that can tell fried
chicken from fried rabbit
without counting the legs.
Right.
Thanks for bringing
the letter, fellas.
Wait a minute, Kate,
what does he say?
Nothing.
Didn't he say anything
about accepting your invitation
to drop out here
for a sample meal?
Then you did write to him.
Oh, well, I might have
dropped him a line,
mentioned your cooking.
What for?
You said it was terrible.
Oh, don't listen to him, Kate.
What does he know?
He ain't no "gourmett."
No, he can't count.
Do you know what'll
happen if Lucius Penrose puts
his seal of approval
on your cooking?
You'll be famous.
Why, eaters from all
over will flock to your table
and stuff themselves
with your Lucius Penrose-
approved type of cooking.
I don't need Mr. Penrose
to approve my cooking.
No, we approve it
and we're two of the
biggest eaters around.
Aren't you, Charley?
Thanks, Floyd.
Kate, what them
two freeloaders say
don't mean nothing,
but if Lucius Penrose
eats your cooking
and puts his sign on the
front of the hotel, you're in.
Kate, I figure the
sign will go right here.
What sign?
Uncle Joe invited Lucius
Penrose to eat here.
The man that writes that
famous newspaper column,
recommending restaurants
all over the world?
Yeah, your mother's
going to get recommended
as soon as she
puts in a new stove.
There's nothing
wrong with my stove.
(coughs)
Mom, Mom, there's
something wrong with the stove!
Oh, my goodness.
(sneezes)
What's wrong with it?
I don't know, it's
smoking like crazy.
Oh, open a window.
Uncle Joe, do something.
(coughs)
That takes care of the trouble.
It also takes care
of the supper.
What's wrong with the stove?
Well, it seems like
something's stuck in the flue.
Smells like an old boot.
How'd you know?
Oh, I don't know,
whatever's stuck in there...
I-I mean, whatever happened,
it's a good thing it happened
before Lucius J.
Penrose got here.
Oh, that's the man that
you dictated the letter
to me that you didn't
want to tell Mom that...
I know all about it.
Yeah, well, now
all we have to do is
get this stove out of here and
make room for the new one.
What new one?
You're going to
buy one, ain't you?
No.
Kate, you can't cook a
meal for Lucius J. Penrose
on top of Old Smoky.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to.
I can see his column now...
"Hearty Man Ate a
Condemned Meal."
Uncle Joe, even if I
wanted to buy a new stove,
there wouldn't be
time for me to order it
before Mr. Penrose gets here.
It'll be here.
What?
Kate, I-I don't know
how to say this,
but, uh, I ordered one.
For somebody that didn't
know how to say it, you said it.
How could you
order a stove with...?
Kate, I'm just
trying to help you.
Yes, and every time you
do, I end up screaming for it.
Well, what kind of stove
did you order, Uncle Joe?
Never mind that.
How much is it going to cost?
Oh, it ain't very expensive.
How much isn't very expensive?
About a dollar a week.
That's not bad.
52 weeks.
Oh, that's not bad.
Seven-and-a-half years.
Now, that's bad.
Kate, instead of
worrying about the cost,
you should be thanking me
for my foresight in ordering it.
Uncle Joe, would you mind
explaining something to me?
How come you were
able to order a new stove
in time for Mr. Penrose
when you didn't know that
this one was going to conk out?
Well, I guess it
was just another one
of them coincidental
coincidences.
I trust everything met with
your approval, Mr. Penrose?
I'm still alive.
Is there anything I can get you?
Yes, the chef.
Call Robert.
Oh... this will be such
an honor for Robert...
To meet the great
Lucius Penrose.
I am sure it will.
Monsieur Penrose, did
you enjoy the duck l'orange?
Thank you for identifying
that mess for me.
I thought it was
the mystery meal.
You did not like it?
Monsieur Penrose...
Monsieur Penrose...
Monsieur Penrose!
Oh, not your sign,
Monsieur Penrose.
(sobbing)
Sam, could I please
use your phone?
It's an emergency.
Well, what's wrong?
Well, I got to stop
a stove. A stove?
Kate, you need a new one.
Sam, could I please
use your phone?
I want to catch
Floyd and Charley
before they leave
Pixley with it.
Help yourself.
(woman talking
indistinctly over phone)
And you take three
eggs, separate the whites
and fold them into the
batter, and then you...
Hello, hello?
Who's that?
It's Kate Bradley, Selma.
Well, hang up.
I'm talking.
Where was I?
Oh, yes, you take
the batter and let it sit.
Selma, please, this
is an emergency.
So is this.
Maude's expecting company
and she has to bake a cake.
Look, just let me use the
phone for a minute or two.
I have to stop a stove.
From doing what?
I haven't time to
explain now, Selma,
so would you mind hanging up?
All right.
But this is one
hang-up you owe me.
Sarah, would-would you
get me the Pixley station.
Uncle Joe, if that
stove gets here...
Now, what's all this
fuss about a stove?
Oh, I did Kate a favor
and ordered her a new cook stove
because the old one was smokin'.
Oh, maybe there's
something stuck in the flue.
What could get
stuck in the flue?
Well, I don't know.
Oh, by the way, Joe,
those new rubber boots
you ordered ought to be here
any day now.
Rubber...
Hello? (Sarah
talking indistinctly)
Oh, are you sure, Sarah?
SARAH: Yes. Well okay, thanks.
Pixley station doesn't answer.
What time is it?
3:00.
They must have just
left on their 12:00 run.
Of all days to be on time.
Hey, maybe you can catch them
before they pass
Ben Miller's. Yeah.
SELMA: Leave it in the
oven for exactly 50 minutes
then take it out, sprinkle
powdered sugar on it,
and then let it sit.
Of course it's good.
Why, I've been
making this for years.
It's my own private recipe.
Selma, that's my
recipe; I gave it to you!
You did not give it to me.
I certainly did.
Maudie, that's my recipe.
Maude, don't pay
attention to her.
Kate Bradley, you have
no right to eavesdrop.
Selma, you said you'd
let me use the phone.
Now would you mind stop talkin'?
Very well.
Good-bye, Maude.
I hope you enjoy my recipe.
KATE: Hello?
Uh, Sarah, would
you get me Ben Miller?
Sarah's ringing Ben.
Hello? Oh, hello, Ben.
This is Kate.
(whistle blowing) Has the...
Never mind, Ben.
They passed Ben Miller's.
Kate, you've got nothing to lose
by letting that stove
get here. I haven't?
There's a 14-day
free trial on it.
If you don't like it,
you can send it back.
Suppose I like it?
Then you keep it.
I can't afford to keep it.
Then send it back.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do
if I can stop that train.
Well, you'd better hurry up.
They'll be passing
Fred Ziffel's any minute.
Hey.
Sarah... Sarah?
Ah, it-it's Kate again.
Would you try Fred
Ziffel's pig farm for me?
You're not having
much luck, Kate.
Why, Selma Plout,
you promised to
get off the phone!
I said I'd get off for talking;
I didn't say I'd get
off for listening.
Sarah, ring it again.
Fred isn't answering.
Well, maybe he's
out in Arnold's pen.
Well, if he was, he'd answer.
Arnold has an
extension in his pen.
Uh, Sarah, you'd
better Newt Kiley's, huh?
(static crackling)
Doesn't sound like
he's home either.
Keep ringing, Sarah.
Hi, Kate. Hi, Floyd.
Floyd!
I've been trying to head
off you and Charley.
We've got your new
stove on the train.
Swell.
Thanks, Sam.
That's okay.
Oh, I'd better let Selma
know she can use the phone.
And then when she
couldn't get Fred Ziffel,
she tried Newt Kiley.
And Sarah rang his number
and rang it and rang it.
I was gonna put a piece
in the paper about this.
By the time it comes
out, it'll be old news.
I should've sent it back.
You got 14 days.
It's gonna take us that
long to put it together.
There's more of it?
Well, these are
the instructions.
I don't need any instructions.
Look, why don't
we call Harley Smith
and let him put it together.
He's an expert on stoves.
Now why pay him good money?
I've been around stoves
as much as he has.
Yeah, but he works
around stoves;
you just sit around them.
Take flange A... (rattling)
Flange A.
Flange A.
KATE: Insert flange A
into slot C on side one.
A into C on side one.
Take connecting coil B...
Connecting coil B.
Coil B.
Insert coil B into
lower heating unit,
G one.
B into lower
heating unit, G one.
Nothing to this,
Kate. What's next?
Wing nuts seven, eight and nine,
and the bolts
one, two and three,
connect to the plate F
with the three tiny holes.
Well, that does it.
How does she look?
Well, she looks like
she does in the picture,
but she's... tilting.
Looks like the
Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Maybe you're only supposed
to cook Italian food on it.
What do you think, Uncle Joe?
Uncle Joe?
JOE (muffled):
Help... help. (tapping)
Oh, my goodness.
What's cookin'?
Get me out of here!
Well, back to the drawing board.
♪ ♪
There you are, Kate.
(clunking) We got
some parts left over.
Oh, I guess the
factory made a mistake
and put in too many.
What do we do now?
All you gotta do is plug
it in and start cooking.
Oh, no, thank you.
Here, you put it in the
socket, Betty. I'm too young.
Afraid, huh?
Here, you show 'em, Kate. Mm-mm.
You show 'em.
Maybe you were right
about calling Harley Smith.
Plug it in.
(electrical buzzing
and whirring)
(buzzing and whirring)
What's the matter?
Mom, you'd better
take another look
at the instruction book.
I don't have to.
All you have to
do is strike match A
and light candle B.
Joe! Is that you, Harley?
Harley ain't here yet.
Kate said for you
to keep pumping.
She ain't finished
cooking supper yet.
What she cooking?
I don't know.
But you'll be eating
by candlelight.
Ain't that romantic?
KATE: Uncle Joe!
You know, it's a good
thing this happened.
Good training for the contest.
What contest?
The Mr. Hooterville contest.
What's that?
No, it's the old Miss
Hooterville contest.
Oh, you mean where
they give a prize
to the girl with the
best legs? Yeah.
They found they
didn't have enough girls
for the contest this year,
so they shifted
it to the men. Oh.
You think I could enter?
Ha!
With legs like those,
they'd laugh you out of town.
Oh.
Of course, with
a little exercise,
you might stand a chance.
You think so? Sure.
Too bad you ain't got a bike.
You know they're talking
about $50 first-prize money.
$50!
$25 a leg.
You don't know where
I'd get a bike, do you, Joe?
No, I'm afraid not.
Hey, wait a minute.
I ain't eligible.
They'll probably want
me to be the judge.
Well, could I borrow
your bike, Joe?
Well, I don't know.
Please.
Well, what's a friend for if
you can't do him a favor?
KATE: Uncle Joe!
How am I doing, Joe?
You just started.
Don't expect miracles.
Where you going?
Off to fill out your
Mr. Hooterville application.
You're a real friend, Joe.
Is that the best
silver we've got?
From the Waldorf.
That's the best hotel
in the county seat.
Ain't you gonna put
no flowers on the table?
Mom's dusting the carnations.
The roses are better.
The wax melted.
Where are the fingerbowls?
Mr. Penrose is coming.
Uncle Joe, why don't
you go and put on a tie.
(train whistle blowing)
(barks twice)
Hey, the train's coming!
I heard it. Ain't you
gonna put on a tie?
Well, of course I'm go...
(bell clanging)
Doggone, my
muscles sure are sore.
How come you let Joe
euchre you into riding that bike
for five hours? He
didn't euchre me.
I wanted to.
Ain't that beautiful?
Enjoy your trip, Mr. Penrose?
It was delightful.
What were you before
you ran this train,
a kamikaze pilot?
And, incidentally,
about an hour back,
there was an uncommonly
smooth stretch of rail.
Don't you think you
ought to report it?
Ain't he a nice fella?
(train whistle blowing)
He's coming, Kate. Hurry it up.
Don't worry, Uncle Joe.
Now, girls, remember,
you serve from the left
and take from the right.
Why?
Are you superstitious?
Attention.
I am Lucius Penrose.
Mr. Penrose, on
behalf of the staff
and the owners of
this establishment,
I welcome you to the Shady Rest,
home of the fine cuisine
and good cooking...
Where is the dining room?
Good grief.
Louisa May Alcott
and the Little Women.
No, Mr. Penrose,
this is Kate Bradley,
the woman whose
cooking is a principle feature
of the Shady Rest hotel...
Which you're gonna put
up a sign up in front of,
uh, and furthermore...
Uncle Joe, would
you please stop talking
and say something?
Those are the
most sensible words
I've heard since I arrived.
When do I eat?
Right this way, Mr. Penrose.
This is the dining room?
Yes, sir.
Does the Smithsonian
Institute know
that you stole their furniture?
Now look here, Mr. Pennose.
Penrose is the name.
Well, whatever it is,
if you weren't my guest,
there are a few things
that I... Kate, you're
talking to Mr. Penrose.
That's all right. I find
it rather refreshing.
Oh, no, don't sit down.
Why, is there
something on the chair?
No, I want you to see our stove.
He isn't interested.
Oh, I'm sure he is.
You don't see stoves
like that up in the big city.
Oh, I'm sure he
has. I'm sure he ain't.
Now, my back has taken enough
suffering from that train ride.
So, shall we see it now?
There she is.
What is this?
KATE: That's my stove.
Your stove? But how sad.
How very, very sad.
Sad? What do you mean sad?
That's the best
stove you can buy
for a dollar a week.
What a price to
pay for civilization.
Mrs. Bradley, for the past 15
years, every meal that I've had,
every bit of food that I've
eaten has come from a barren,
faceless, mechanical
monster like this.
That's why when I
accepted your invitation
I was hoping for a
real, old-fashioned meal.
Cooked as only good
food should be cooked
on a slow-burning wood fire.
Well, if that don't
beat a boot in the flue.
Uncle Joe, get the axe.
If Mr. Penrose came here
for a wood-cooked meal,
that's what he's gonna get.
Mmm.
This soup is fantastic.
There's only one way
to cook... with wood.
I'm awarding your mother
the Lucius Penrose
seal of approval.
Wait till you taste
mom's fried chicken.
Bring it on.
Ready for the
fried chicken, Mom!
Coming up.
More wood, Uncle Joe.
Oh, Kate.
I gotta get that pressure up
to a hundred and sixty 'cause
I'm gonna bake muffins next.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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