Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 31 - The Chicken Killer - full transcript

I don't know how
anyone could not love

our clever and cute canine
cast member Higgins,

but the dogcatcher,

played by impish character
actor Percy Helton, manages.

As a matter of fact, he
accuses our lovable pet

of some horrible things.

Let's see how it all works out

in this episode called
"The Chicken Killer."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪



(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪



♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(barking)

(whimpering)

(whistling)

Get out of there!

Out, out!

I just washed these.

What's the matter?

Hinky Mittenfloss!

He's after the dog again!

Let him have him.

Uncle Joe!

What does he want the dog for?

I don't know!

He must have a grudge
against him or something.

Who doesn't?

Whose side are you on?

Did the dog ever do
anything to Hinky?

He wouldn't have to.

Ever since Hinky
got to be dog catcher,

he's been out to make
a name for himself.

He wants to break the
county dog-catching record

so's he can run for governor.

Well, he's not gonna
use our dog to help him.

(growling)

I told you to get out of there.

Mom, look!

He can't come in here
and take the dog, can he?

I don't think so.

Where's the dog?

He's hiding in my
nice clean laundry.

Aha!

Are you going somewhere?

To get the dog.

Oh, I hate to disagree with you.

You're interfering
with a county officer

in the performance of his duty.

Looks more to me like I'm
drawing a bead on a trespasser.

Yeah, you got no right in here
without a searchin' warrant.

Why don't you
leave the dog alone?

He's under suspicion!

For what?

For sneaking around a
couple of chicken coops.

Oh, he didn't mean any harm.

He likes chickens; he
likes to play with them.

Oh, yeah?

Then why was he
licking his chops?

Maybe he was thinking about

sinking his teeth
into you, you...

Betty Jo...

just because Hinky is
a no-good, low-down,

mean excuse for a human being
is no reason to call him names.

Now, you get out of here
and you don't come back.

Yeah, git!

I'm warning you, I'm gonna

get that dog if it's the
last thing I ever do!

Don't you worry, boy.

Hinky's gone.

(clanking) Come
and get your supper!

(clanking)

Come and get it!

Here, boy!

What's all the racket?

I'm yelling for the dog.

Well, would you mind
yelling a little more

quietly, so I can
get some sleep?

Oh, I'm not stopping you.

(clanking)

Uncle Joe, what's
the matter with you?

Waking up Betty Jo?! Me?!

You probably woke
up Mr. Roberts, too.

That wasn't me
banging, it was Betty Jo.

I don't care who it was.

We finally get a guest in
the hotel, let's keep him here.

Mom, the dog hasn't come home.

Hinky Mittenfloss
must've caught him.

Oh, no, he didn't.

He's probably out socializing
with some of his lady friends.

Hinky Mittenfloss don't
have no lady friends.

I meant the dog.

Don't worry, he'll come home.

Well, I hope so, so I
can get some sleep.

Come on, let's go in the house.

Come on...

And you can lock the door.

Aren't you coming to bed?

Well, I think I'll just

stay up a little while, in
case he does come home.

All right, but no more
bangin' or hollerin'.

(whispering): Here,
boy... here, boy.

Or whisperin'.

(rooster crows)

(insistent knocking on door)

Where is he?!

Where is he?!

Where's who?

That dog! Where is he?

Well, he's not here.

I'll find him!

Here, dog! Here, dog!

I knew he'd do it and he did it!

Did what?

He killed three of
Luther Craig's chickens!

No! No!

Yeah, he's a killer!

There must be a mistake.

Oh, yeah?!

(dog barking)

It's not true!

Tell Mr. Mittenfloss he's wrong!

Tell him you didn't do it!

Either your dog's
a chicken killer,

or he's molting!

There's only place in the county
where there's mud like that,

and that's Luther Craig's farm.

Oh, dog, I arrest you

for the murder
of three chickens!

(barking)

Where is he?

He's in solitary.

Oh, you poor dog!

He's innocent!

(barking)

That's what they all say.

What are you gonna do
to him, Mr. Mittenfloss?

What we do to all killers.

KATE: Don't worry,

we're not gonna desert you.

How much is his bail?

Murder ain't a bailable offense.

Don't you worry,
we'll get you out.

We'll get you a lawyer.

What for?!

You can't take a dog into court!

Suppose we ask
the lawyer about that!

(Betty Jo, Kate and Uncle
Joe all talking at once)

Please, please!

Will one of you tell me
what this is all about?

(all talking at once)

Now, hold it, hold it!

And that's the whole story.

Now, Mrs. Bradley,

suppose you tell me the
whole story from the beginning.

Well, this morning I...

This horrible man came to
the hotel and arrested him,

but he's innocent!
You've got to get him off!

I'll do my best, if I could just

get some idea
what this is all about.

Tell him what happened, Mom.

Right. Well, he...
He was dragged off

like a common criminal!

He didn't even have a
chance to deny anything!

Deny what?

That he killed them.

Killed them?

You mean this is
a homicide charge?

No, murder.

Uncle Joe, will you
let Mom tell this?

Yeah, well...

One murder's bad enough,
but accusing him of three?!

Three?

But he's innocent!

Innocent, I tell you!

Uh, maybe I'd better talk
to the defendant myself.

Now, uh, where
did they take him?

The county pound!

The county... pound?

Mm-hmm. They
put him in solitary.

He looked so sad.

Uh, what are we talking about?

The dog.

Well, I thought
this was a homicide.

Well, it is.

He's accused of
killing three chickens.

I'm afraid there's
been a mistake.

There sure has! He didn't do it!

Well, I mean, if you
expect me to defend a dog...

You're a lawyer, ain't you?

Of course I'm a lawyer.

But my clients
are usually people.

Then maybe you could
recommend a good dog lawyer.

You can't try a dog.

That's what Hinky
Mittenfloss said.

Yeah, and he's a
one-man dictator.

Isn't there any way
we can save his life?

Well, I... Where'd
you study law?

State University.

You should've gone to
one of them big colleges

like the "Harvard
School of Yale,"

and learn some of the loopholes.

Hey, wait a second...

There was a case,
uh, what was it,

The State v. Fido, Bowser...

uh... uh, Rex... Oh, here it is:

The State v. Rover.

Now, I, uh,

I think this might
solve your problem.

"In 1897, the state
supreme court ruled

"that, under certain conditions,

a dog was entitled to a
fair and impartial trial."

Oh, Mom, he's free! He's free!

No, no, it just means
that he's entitled to a trial.

Oh, but when you get him
on the witness stand, every...

Now, wait a second.

Oh, you will handle the case?

Well, I don't think so,

but, uh, I'm sure that you could
handle the case, Mrs. Bradley.

Me?!

I don't know anything
about lawyering.

Oh, Mom, you saw Perry
Mason a couple of times.

I'll handle it. I
saw it three times.

I have a feeling
that Mrs. Bradley

would do a better job.

Oh, Mom, you've gotta!

Well... uh...

Oh, I'm sure you could
do it, Mrs. Bradley.

Well, I'll try.

Now, how much do we owe you?

Oh, nothing. I
didn't do anything.

You sure didn't.

Well, you gave us
advice. My pleasure.

In that case, could I ask
you one more question?

Certainly.

How about lending
us these books?

How do you feel, Mom?

Nervous.

Aw, there ain't nothi"
to bein' a lawyer.

All you gotta do
is jump up and say:

"I object on the grounds it's
'irreverrent and immaternal.'"

Everybody rise.

Here ye, here ye, the
County Superior Court

is now in session,

the Honorable Judge
Murdoch presiding.

Bailiff, what's the first
case on the docket?

The People v. John
Doe, Your Honor.

What is this dog
doing in my court?

He's the defendant, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Order!

Order!

Now, what kind of
nonsense is this?

Go on, tell him, Mom.

Tell him...

It's-It's this kind of nonsense!

Uh, and who are you?

I'm-I'm the dog's lawyer.

Dogs have no rights
in a court of law.

That's what I told them.

B-B-But Your Honor,

I-I-I, I think you're
a little ignorant.

(laughing)

JUDGE: Order!

Order!

Madam, do you realize
you have insulted the court?

Oh, she ain't tryin'
to insult the court,

just you.

N-No, no, Your Honor,

I'm not, I'm not
trying to insult you

but there is a case I think
does make a difference.

What case?

This one.

Kate, you have to ask permission

before you approach the bench.

C-C-Can I approach the... bench?

Sure, go ahead.

(laughing) JUDGE: Order!

Uh, let me see that case.

The State v. Rover?!

Well, it seems
that I am in error.

Well, now that that's
settled, can we get going?

Anytime, uh, uh...
Oh, I'm Kate Bradley.

Now, are you going to
act as the dog's counsel?

Yes, sir.

Well, let's get started.

Yes.

Now, uh, what is the dog's name?

He doesn't have one.

Well, how do you call him?

Like this.

(whistling loudly)

(laughing)

Order!

Now, I should like to
make something clear.

This is an unusual case.

Nevertheless, the
decorum of this court

is going to be maintained
or I shall clear the courtroom.

Now, Hinky, are you
going to act as prosecutor?

You're darn right I am.

All right. Call
your first witness.

I call Luther
Craig to the stand.

Luther Craig, take the stand.

Luther, what did you do

after you heard the noise
in your chicken coop?

Well, I got up, grabbed my
shotgun and went outside.

I saw this here dog
running from the henhouse

so I let go with both barrels.

Mm. Did you hit him? No,

I forgot to load my shotgun.

(laughing)

Order!

What did you do then?

Well, I went in the henhouse
and found three dead chickens.

And then what did you do?

Called you.

By me, you mean Hinky
Mittenfloss, the dogcatcher?

I said I called you.

Now, stop trying to get votes.

Could you identify the killer?

I sure could.

Is he in the courtroom now?

That's the fiend

that killed my poor
defenseless chickens.

He done it.

Your witness.

Let's see you get
out of that one!

Go on, Mom. It's your turn.

(whispering): Do as I told you.

But, Mom... Don't argue.

Out in the hall.

Luther, you have been a
farmer around these parts

for a good many
years, haven't you?

Maybe.

Miserable weather we've
been having lately, isn't it?

I ain't saying.

Oh, you must've noticed
how dark the nights have been.

Ain't saying.

What ain't you saying?

I ain't saying
what I ain't saying!

Your Honor, doesn't he have
to say what he ain't saying?

Luther, you are directed to
say what you ain't been saying.

I know what she's trying to do.

She's trying to trick me
into saying it was so dark

I couldn't have seen
that dog kill my chickens.

Which he did!

(barking)

Order!

We'll hear your
testimony later...

I mean, uh, proceed.

Your Honor, could I have

the lights turned
off in the courtroom?

What for?

Well, if I told you,
it wouldn't work.

Go ahead.

Yeah, uh, would one of you
gentlemen close that shade?

Bailiff, you mind?

Was it this dark, Luther?

Maybe.

Anyway, would you
mind identifying again

the horrible fiend that
killed your chickens?

With pleasure. Him.

You sure that's the killer?

I'd know him anywhere.

Lights!

(meows)

Put in the record

that the dog fiend
identified by Luther

is the proud mother
of seven kittens.

(laughing)

Order! Order!

No more questions.

Uh, you may step down, Luther.

Dr. Enright, you're
in geology, ain't ya?

I'm a geologist. Mm.

Well, uh, will you
take a look at these?

"A" is a sample of the mud
taken from Luther's place,

the scene of the crime.

"B" is the mud taken
from the killer's paws

after I took him in.

Did you have a
chance to look at them?

Yes, I analyzed
them in my laboratory.

These samples are identical.

Doctor, would you put
that in simple English

so that the judge
can understand it?

Well, to the best
of my knowledge,

the only place in the valley
where this soil can be found

is on Luther Craig's farm.

Thank you, Doctor.

You have just
proven that that dog

was at Luther's place

when he killed
those three chickens.

Better object.

I object!

On what grounds?

Well, I... On what grounds?

On the grounds that
he's ruining our case.

Your Honor, this, um...

this mud that Hinky just threw
at us was kind of a surprise

so I wonder if we could have
a little time to figure it out.

Are you asking for a recess?

Well, if that's the legal
way to get some time

to think it over, mm-hmm.

Court recessed till
2:00 this afternoon.

What are you going to do?

There's only one
thing we can do.

Have the dog sign a confession.

Throw himself on
the mercy of the court.

(growling)

Why don't we call Mr. Randall

and see if he can
think of anything?

How can he think of anything?

We've got his books.

(whispering): So,
we called Mr. Randall

and he suggested
that we get a sample

of some other mud
like Luther's mud

to show that Luther
isn't the only one

with that kind of mud.

But how do you
expect to prove that?

By our next witness.

But it's not your
turn to call a witness.

Well, then how am I gonna prove

that somebody else could
have mud like Luther has?

It's irregular, but
so is the whole case.

Uh, who's the witness?

Arnold Ziffel.

Call Arnold Ziffel.

Arnold Ziffel, take the stand.

Come on, Arnold. Oh!

Get that pig out of here!

But that's Arnold.

(snorting)

Is this a court or a zoo?

Your Honor, Arnold is the best

exhibit of mud
that we could get.

Oh, by the way,
this is Fred Ziffel.

Your Honor, Arnold and me

is mighty proud to know you.

Why, thank you.

Would you please
get to the point?

Well, as you can
see, Arnold is a pig.

And as you know, Your Honor,

pigs love to wallow in the mud.

And he's the best little
wallower in the valley.

If Your Honor will compare
Arnold's mud with Luther's mud,

you'll find out that
they're the very same.

I object, Your Honor!

You ain't a mud expert.

Can we borrow your mud expert?

Get your own! (bangs gavel)

Order! (Arnold squealing)

Your Honor, would you
mind not banging that thing?

Arnold's got sensitive ears.

Oh, I apologize.

Call Dr. Enright.

Dr. Enright.

Would you mind
comparing the witness's mud

with the sample?

Here, hold on.

What are you gonna do?

Scrape some mud off him.

Well, scrape easy.

He's got skin like a baby.

Your Honor, I made a mistake.

I thought Mr. Craig's farm

was the only place that
had this type of mud.

But I was wrong.

(barking)

Thank you, Arnold.

Your Honor,

can I say something
about the dog?

I object!

What do you want
to say, Mr. Ziffel?

Well, sir, it's just like this.

Now, me and Arnold has know'd
that dog for more than a year.

In fact, he's one of the
best friends Arnold's got.

They play together, you know,
and get in devilment together.

Arnold lets the dog
listen to his radio.

What is the point of all this?

Well, the point is, you see,

Arnold, he don't
make friends easy.

And he's a mighty
good judge of character.

In fact, he won't let
my wife come near him.

(laughing)

Quiet.

What I'm saying
is this, Your Honor.

Anybody that Arnold
trusts ain't no chicken killer.

Now, I thank you for
your time, Your Honor.

I've got to get Arnold
home, it's time for his nap.

Thank you, Mr. Ziffel.

Come on, Arnold. Thanks, Arnold!

Order! Order! Order!

And now I call my next
and most important witness,

John Doe Dog.

You may take the stand.

You mind telling me how
you expect a dog to testify?

Oh, it's very
simple, Your Honor.

He barks once for
"yes" and twice for "no."

Would you like
me to demonstrate?

Go ahead.

Is Hinky Mittenfloss
the dogcatcher?

(barks once)

Do you like him?

(barks twice)

I don't believe it but go ahead.

Raise your right paw.

Do you swear
to tell the truth...

We can dispense with that.

Oh, believe me, Judge,
he always tells the truth.

Now, then, listen carefully.

Are you or have you
ever been a chicken killer?

(barks twice)

Did you kill Luther
Craig's chickens?

(barks twice)

(clears throat)

Your witness.

There's no point in
my questioning him.

I wouldn't believe
a word he said.

John Doe Dog, step down.

This is one of the
strangest cases

it's ever been my
unfortunate duty to try.

However, based on the evidence

and based on the
defendant himself,

I find it difficult to believe

that he would attack
three defenseless chickens.

Therefore... Let go! Let go!

Now, what's going on
down there? (dog growling)

He stole my lunch, Your Honor.

A chicken sandwich.

A chicken sandwich?!

(murmuring)

I told you, Judge!
He's chicken crazy!

Live or in a sandwich!

No. No!

In that case, I find him guilty

and sentence him to
the maximum penalty

under the law for
your vicious crimes.

And I direct that he
be taken from this place

to the state penitentiary...

No! No! He's innocent!

(maniacal laughter)

Oh, please, let him go!

He's innocent! He's innocent!

No! No! He's innocent!

He didn't do it!

He didn't do it!

No, he didn't do it!

Betty Jo, wake up,
honey. He's innocent! No!

Wake up! No!

Oh, oh, Mom!

You've gotta talk to the judge.

No, no, no, honey.

You've been having
a bad nightmare.

Oh...

Oh, I must've fallen asleep
down here waiting for the dog.

Good morning.

Good morning.

You're Luther Craig.

I beg your pardon?

Mom, he's Luther Craig!

Dear, that's Mr. Roberts.

You met him last night
when he checked in.

Last nigh...?

Oh... Oh, yes.

Where's the dog?!

Oh, he slept in
my room last night.

He must've had a
terrible nightmare, too.

He ripped up one
of your pillows.

(dog barking)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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