Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 3 - Have Library Will Travel - full transcript

If you can't get
people to the library,

you've got to bring
the library to the people.

And when it comes to
transportation in Hooterville,

it's up to the
Cannonball to do it.

So the beloved train
takes center stage

in the role of
bucolic bookmobile

in an episode called
"Have Library, Will Travel."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)



♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(snoring)

Uncle Joe?

Uncle Joe?

Hi, Kate.

I'm lookin' for my saw.

Oh, is that it?

Well, if that don't
beat the bugs biting.

These all the shelves that
you sawed for the library cart?

Kate, I been suffering
something terrible with lumbago.

Oh, that's too bad.

Why don't you dunk
yourself in a hot bath.

That's a good idea.

After you finish
sawing the shelves.

Kate, it's a waste of time

starting a library in the
baggage car of the train.

I don't consider it a waste
of time making it easy

for schoolchildren of
this valley to get books.

Well, when I was a boy,

I walked ten
miles to the library.

The last time I heard
that story, it was five miles.

Oh, well, that time
I took a shortcut.

And the time before,
it was two miles.

You know something,

your memory's getting shorter
and the walk's getting longer.

It don't make no
difference how far I walked.

The trouble with the kids today
is, we pamper them too much.

It's no wonder so few of
them grow up to be president.

Well, Uncle Joe, if you
have any complaints,

you tell them to Miss
Marsh tonight at supper.

Who's Miss Marsh?

The lady that's gonna
be running the library train.

No, thanks.

I'll eat in my room.

I don't intend eating supper

with any frumpy, skinny
old maid of a librarian.

Excuse me?

Is, uh, Mrs. Bradley in?

Mrs. Bradley?

Oh, Kate.

She invited me to
dinner this evening.

I'm Phyllis Marsh.

The frumpy, skinny
old maid librarian?

I beg your pardon?

I'm Mrs. Bradley's
niece, Joe Carson.

Oh, I mean, she's
my niece, Joe Carson.

I'm just taking this
upstairs for this sick dog.

(whimpering)

Uh, sh-she's in the kitchen.

Uh, tell her to
hold dinner for me.

I gotta get cleaned
up. (clattering)

I've been sawing shelves
for the library train all day!

Well, what are some of
the books you'll be putting

in the library
train, Miss Marsh?

Well, Billie Jo,
some of the classics

like Dickens,
Thackeray, Stevenson,

and a few of the moderns

like Sherwood Anderson,
Faulkner, Hemmingway.

Hemmingway?

Him and me used
to be good friends.

You knew Ernest Hemmingway?

No, this is Harvey Hemmingway.

He ran the
Hooterville barbershop

before Luke Feely took over it.

I think they were relatives.

You mean that your
Mr. Hemmingway was related

to Ernest Hemmingway? No.

No, Harvey was related to Luke.

And he gave him a good
buy on the barbershop.

I hope you're going to have
a poetry section, Miss Marsh.

Oh, yeah, I love poetry.

Who can ever forget
them immoral lines?

"Hoisted on the burning deck,

Eating peanuts by the peck."

Uncle Joe... Huh?

That's not exactly poetry.

Well, it rhymes.

Uh, coffee, Miss Marsh?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Oh, here's one
of the old classics

us book lovers
will never forget.

"'Twas a balmy summer
evening, (yawning)

"And a goodly crowd was there,"

"Which well-nigh
filled Joe's barroom"

"On the corner by the square."

(train whistle blowing)

Train's coming!

Oh, isn't that the, uh,
last train into Hooterville?

Yeah, luckily it's on
time for a change.

Well, if you can, uh,
tear yourself away,

I'll walk you down to the stop.

All right. Well,
never mind, Kate.

I don't mind walking her down.

But Uncle Joe, it's
very chilly out tonight.

What about your lumbago?

Lumbago? At my age?

Just because Kate has some
of the complaints of the elderly,

she thinks everybody has them.

Well, if you're sure it isn't
too much trouble, Mr. Carson.

Call me Joe.

That's his name. Joe.

Thank you for
dinner, Mrs. Bradley.

Good night, Miss Marsh.
MARSH: Good night.

(barking loudly)

Shh! It's me, stupid.

I didn't recognize you either.

You're all dressed up!

Going someplace?

Oh... I'm just going
out to take a little stroll

around the property.

In your Sunday best suit?

Oh, this? Kate,
would you believe it

if I told you it
was the first thing

I found handy this morning?

No, I wouldn't.

You sure got a
suspicious nature.

(train whistle blows twice)

Oh, there's the whistle
for the library train.

It's making its first
run this morning.

Oh, it is?

Maybe I'll put off my
stroll around the property

and go down and see
how Miss what's-her-name

is getting along.

Miss Marsh.

Yeah, Miss Marsh.

(bell clanging)

(engine hissing)

Well, what do you know, Charley?

He brought us some flowers.

Oh, ain't that sweet?

Joe, I didn't know you cared.

I don't. Gimme them flowers!

Thank you again for the
lovely flowers, Mr. Carson.

Call me Joe, Miss Marsh.

I just thought it'd decorate up

the library a little
on its first run.

MARSH: Well, that was
very, very sweet of you.

Thank you.

Now, how would you like
to take out a library card?

Rather take out the librarian.

(laughing)

Well, first I'll need
some information

about you, Mr. Carson.

He's rather take
out the librarian.

Hey, that's funny!

(laughs and groans)

Now, I know your
name and address, but...

Uh, why don't you
sit down, Mr. Carson.

Um, what is your occupation?

Oh, uh, the general manager
of the Shady Rest Hotel chain.

Oh, are there more
Shady Rest Hotels?

Uh, not yet.

We got about a dozen
in the blueprint stage.

Planning a real
big one in Honolulu.

That's right near Hawaii.

How does he know?

He ain't never been no
further than the county seat.

Shh!

Now, uh, what is your age?

Age?

Mm-hmm.

How old do you think I am?

Well, I'm not a very good
judge of ages, Mr. Carson.

Well, I'm, uh, 31.

Prematurely gray
due to a terrible

siege of measles when a child.

He's prematurely gray,

due to a terrible
siege of old age.

Thirty-one.

Well, uh, that's all I'll need.

Um, you can take

some books out
now if you'd like.

Oh, good, I've just
been waiting for this.

Well, here's one that looks
like a pretty good story.

Let's see, "Basic
Elements of Advanced...

(mispronouncing):
Thermodyna-mics."

Whew!

"The Basic Elements of
Advanced Thermodynamics."

Hey, Uncle Joe, I didn't know

you were interested
in thermodynamics.

Just the advanced part.

"Zen Buddhism, self-taught."

It's about a fella named
Zen Buddhism, taught hisself.

Uncle Joe, these are more books

than you've read
in your whole life.

That's 'cause the
library train's so handy.

When I was a boy, I had
to walk 40 miles for a book.

I thought you told Miss
Marsh it was only 25 miles.

Miss Marsh? Is that her name?

'Morning, Miss Marsh.

Good morning.

Brought these back for a refill.

My goodness, Mr. Carson,
you've read all those already?

Oh, nothing to it.

I had the power reading course

at the Hooterville night school.

I can go about
ten pages at a clip.

Really?

Miss Marsh? Yes?

Do you have anything
on thermodynamics?

Well, you're certainly in luck.

Mr. Carson just
brought one back.

Oh, here, kid.

Best book on the
subject I ever read.

What does it say
about heat re-diffusion?

Uh, well, if I told you
everything that's in the book,

what good would
it do you to read it?

It's in the book,
it's in the book.

I could've told him in a minute.

But it's better to let them
struggle through it themselves.

Oh, I agree.

Miss Marsh? Yes?

Do you have any
books on fishing?

I think so. Do you like fishing?

I sure do.

Miss Marsh, would you let
me take you fishing sometime?

Well, I think that
would be very nice.

Hey, if you like
fishing, let me take you.

I asked her first! Well...

Get back to your book, sonny.

I'll pick you up right after
the library run tomorrow.

But Mr. Carson,
I... Say no more.

If you got any fishing
boots, bring them.

Toodle-oo.

Just another mile
to Morgan's Creek.

I'm not walking too
fast for you, am I?

Oh, no, no, I'll keep up.

(chuckling)

Mr. Carson, are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

Why?

Well, your, uh...

insect repellent is running.

Oh, yeah, my insect repellent.

You know, I wouldn't
think of taking a step

into mosquito territory

without my old "black magic."

KATE: Uncle Joe?

Oh, hi, Kate.

On my way to play
checkers with Sam Drucker.

In those clothes?

Well, you never know
who you're gonna meet.

No, like an old fishing buddy.

Well, I don't think Charley
and Floyd's gonna be there.

Oh, I wasn't
thinking about them.

I was thinking about
younger old fishing buddies.

Like who?

Like, uh, you know,
Miss what's-her-name?

Oh, yeah. (chuckles)

Well, if I run into her
I'll give her your regard.

Uncle Joe? Huh?

Coolidge isn't
running this year.

(chuckling) (forced chuckle)

Joe,

how much longer are
you going to pace around

out here waiting for that girl?

She's only 30 minutes late.

If she don't show up
in another two hours,

I'm leaving.

Never saw a man lose his head

in a more hopeless cause.

Sam, you just mind
your pickle barrel.

Leave the romancing to me.

I'll bring you out a
chair around 10:30

if your legs ain't
give out before then.

You've got a what?

Date with Mr. Carson.

Well, break it.

I can't.

Oh, he's such a sweet old man,

and he's been so nice to me.

Well, for crying out loud,

are we engaged or aren't we?

Well, of course we are, Darling.

But, well,

I-I didn't expect you
down here this weekend,

and I just can't
hurt his feelings.

Well, he built
that whole library

in the Cannonball for me.

Well, I... Oh, come on.

It won't take very long.

Look, I-I'll call you
at the rooming house

just as soon as
I get back, okay?

Okay.

Mr. Carson. Oh!

Hi. I'm, uh, I'm
sorry that I'm so late.

Oh, it's perfectly all right.

I just got here myself.

Well, something unexpected
has come up and, uh,

well, I'm afraid
that I won't be able

to spend too much time with you.

Oh.

Well, why don't we go in
and wet our whistles anyway.

All right. Good.

Treat's on me.

Thank you.

There's a cooler
right over there.

Oh.

Well, let's see.

Yeah, see, there's ginger ale,

Burke's Beer, cherry...

Joe, will you close the cooler?

All the ice is melting.

As soon as we pick our sodas.

These local storekeepers.

There's root beer,
lime, lemon, strawberry...

Oh, strawberry.
That-that'll be fine.

I like strawberry, too.

Would you open those
please for us, storekeeper?

You're drinking strawberry, Joe?

You know it's murder
on your gallbladder.

When I want medical
advice, I'll go to the vet.

All right, it's
your gallbladder.

How do you like our
town, Miss Marsh?

Oh, I think it's charming.

Ain't changed a bit in 50 years.

Has it, Joe?

I wouldn't know.

I was just a little boy
when you got here.

You were just...

Straws, please, storekeeper.

You may think
Hooterville's charming,

but it sure don't hold
a candle to Honolulu.

Oh, you've been there?

Well, not yet, but I'm going to
manage a Honolulu Shady Rest

as soon as it's built. Oh.

And Honolulu is a wonderful
place for a honeymoon.

Mr. Carson, are you
planning on getting married?

Oh, I might just pop
the question any minute.

You just might pop
your gallbladder

drinking this stuff.

Old Sam here's always
worrying about me...

Just like my father.

In fact, he's old
enough to be my father.

Old enough... How
much are these?

That'll be ten cents, sonny.

And you don't have
to give me a tip.

Can I talk to you
for a minute, Sam?

Would you excuse
us, please? Yes.

I got a hole in my pocket.

Not as big as the one
you got in your head.

Put the dime on my account.

You got no account.

In fact, you are no account.

JOE: I'm just trying to
make a good impression.

SAM: Well, you're not
getting through to me at all.

Mr. Carson, did
you lose this dime?

Oh... yeah.

Here you are, my good man.

If I need anything
else, I'll call you.

Pardon me for the interruption.

Old Sam here's always
asking me for financial advice.

Shall we drink these outside,

where the flies aren't so bad?

(cash register bell rings)

Thank you for a very
pleasant evening, Mr. Carson.

Good night.

Miss Marsh.

Yes, Mr. Carson?

I wonder if you...

(chuckling): Oh, forget it.

Miss Marsh...

Did you notice the moon?

Ooh, yes. It's beautiful.

You know what a
moon like that means?

No.

It means that...

Means, I think, it ain't...
ain't gonna rain tomorrow.

That's good to know.

'Night.

Mr. Carson.

Yeah?

Good night.

(lamp switch clicks)

Take my money but don't shoot!

Oh, Kate.

Uncle Joe, I never
thought the day'd come

when I'd have
to wait up for you.

When are you gonna stop
treating me like a little kid?

When you stop acting like one.

How could you...

You're too old for
this sort of thing.

Old? I'm only 31.

31?!

If you don't believe it,
just look at my library card.

(bell clanging)

And Joe bought her
a strawberry soda.

Strawberry soda.

No wonder he was up
with his gallbladder all night.

There's no fool
like an old fool.

And he's one of the oldest
fools there ain't one like.

You know where he went? Mm-mnh.

Into Pixley

to buy her a bottle of
French toilette water.

Oh, hi, Miss Marsh.

Mrs. Bradley.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you here,

because I've wanted
to have a talk with you.

Yes, and I think I
know what about.

Mrs. Bradley,

I'd like to present my
fiancé, Hal Jackson.

Well, I'm very
pleased... Fiancé?

That's right.

Phyllis and I've been
engaged for nearly six months.

And Uncle Joe
doesn't know about it.

I haven't had the
heart to tell him.

Well, somebody
ought to tell him,

or he's gonna be stuck with a
bottle of French toilette water.

Oh, Mrs. Bradley,
what are we gonna do?

He's such a sweet,
old gentleman.

Yes, well, we'll just
have to find a way

to let him down easy.

(lively music playing)

Kate!

Oh, hi!

Uncle Joe, this is Hal Jackson.

(music stops)

(sighs)

I don't know if I can
go through with this.

We have to.

Especially since
it was your idea.

Who's that nincompoop
in there with your mother?

Oh, Uncle Joe,
isn't it exciting?

He came over to fix the
well pump this morning,

and mom took one look
at him and just flipped.

Is she out of her mind?

Why, that boy's at least...

Well, he's a lot
younger than she is.

Oh, but when you're in love,
what difference does age make?

Well, it don't make no
difference if you're a man,

but with a woman,
it's ridiculous.

Oh, Uncle Joe, would
you mind helping the girls

with the dishes tonight?

I got a date.

With that juvenile delinquent?

If you're referring to my
steady beau, Hal Jackson,

yes.

So would you mind
helping out in the kitchen?

I gotta get dressed. I can't.

I've got a date, too.

And would you mind letting
me have the bathroom first?

See you later, sweet potater.

(laughing)

Oh, Mom, you look elegant!

Oh, you sure do!

Kate!

Have you lost your mind?

They wouldn't even let
you in a swimming pool

wearing a dress that tight.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I think Billie Jo's dress
looks very nice on me.

You wouldn't even let
Billie Jo wear that dress.

Oh, Uncle Joe, it doesn't matter

what you think, as
long as Hal likes it.

Hal.

At his age, he ought to be
home working on his hot rod.

(door opens)

Hiya, baby doll!

Say, you look terrif!

Hal. (giggling)

Oh what a night. What a night.

You know that old
moon's hanging up there,

like an invitation to romance.

Well, what are we
waiting for, honeypot?

Let's wiggle on down

to spoon and rock.
You said it, baby.

See you later, old tomater.

Uh, yeah, old tomater.

Ain't that the most
disgusting sight

you've ever seen?

Oh, I think it's cute.

Cute?

Your mother leaping around
out there in the moonlight

with that adolescent?

Mom's old enough
to know her own mind.

Hey, you'd better get going.

You're gonna be
late for your date.

I ain't going.

Somebody with a mature
head on their shoulder's

got to keep an
eye on your mother.

(dog barking)

Here he comes. You ready? Ready.

Oh, Hal,

being here with
you is sheer heaven.

Oh, Kate, my love,

I want to be here
with you forever.

And I want to be here
forever with you, too.

Hold me tight.

Mmm.

Oh, whoa, Kate.

I never want to let you go.

KATE: And I never
want to let you go either.

Let's forget everything
and run away to...

to Mexico, Tahiti, Honolulu!

Unhand that woman!

If anybody's going to
Honolulu, it's gonna be me!

Why, Uncle Joe, I thought
you were in Hooterville.

Well, it's lucky
for you, I weren't.

Stand back, woman.

Get up.

I'm gonna thrash you,
you young whippersnapper,

within an inch of your life.

Well, co-control your
temper, Uncle Joe.

Don't hurt him.
Let-let's talk it over.

Talk it over my foot. Sic 'em!

Sic 'em! (barking)

(growling) Not me, stupid!

Him!

(snarling)

Is that you, Halsy Walsy?

No, it's me, Joesy Woesy.

You can stop that
juvenile love talk.

You're still Kate Bradley
and a mother of three.

Why, Uncle Joe,
what's come over you?

Sit down, Kate, I
want to talk to you.

And what I say,
you ain't gonna like.

Why?

This morning, I introduced
that great lover of yours

to one of the most
fickle girls I've ever met.

Phyllis Marsh?

Well, why would you
ever introduce her to Hal?

You were making such a
fool of yourself over him,

to save you

I sacrificed the greatest
love a man ever had.

Oh... Kate, it was sickening.

They was a-kissin' each other

before I had finished
the introduction.

It's gonna hurt for a while,

but it was the only
way I could figure out

to bring you to your senses.

Thank you, Uncle Joe,

making such a great sacrifice

just to save me
from my foolishness.

That's okay, Kate.

Here.

Maybe this'll help console you.

Oh.

Oh!

Just what I've always wanted...

A bottle of French
toilette water.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.