Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 29 - The Mayor of Hooterville - full transcript

Uncle Joe decides to run as the first mayor of Hooterville.

Politics comes to
Hooterville in a big way

when Uncle Joe decides it's
high time the town elects a mayor.

I could tell you who he
has in mind for the job,

but I don't want
to spoil the plot.

Besides, I bet you've
got a pretty good idea

who our beloved,
self-promoting patriarch

is voting in for this episode.

From April 27, 1965,
my fellow Americans,

here comes "The
Mayor of Hooterville."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪



♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

JOE: Ain't it indeed
a great honor

for me to be here today

looking into all of
your glistening faces.

No, no. No applause, please.

Don't you know it's impolite

to listen at somebody's door?

Now, my fellow
voters of Hooterville,

as mayor of this great,

unincorporated
metropolis of Hooterville...

Mayor of Hooterville?

(yawns)

Uncle Joe?

Uncle Joe? And as your
mayor, it gives me great pleasure

to present to you
the key to the city.

Isn't that the key
to the bathroom?

It's the only key to
the city I could find.

Oh, but this is for the guests.

Now, what is all this

about the mayor of Hooterville?

Oh, I just wanted
to see how it felt.

Well, it couldn't have
felt like very much

because we don't have a mayor.

And it's the lack
of things like that

that makes Hooterville
a small town.

What do we need a mayor for?

To send to the
mayors' convention

at the state capital. Oh!

They wouldn't even
know if we weren't there.

How's it going to look

when Crabwell Corners
has their mayor up there,

and all we've got
is an empty seat?

Uncle Joe, Crabwell Corners
does not have a full-time mayor.

It's an honorary title.

He may be ornery,

but they're sending
him to the state capital,

all expenses paid,
including a free haircut.

Oh, now I understand.

That's what you
want, a free haircut.

I don't need a haircut.

And we don't need a mayor.

Why don't we leave
that up to the voters?

We don't need a mayor.

That's just your opinion, Sam.

What about you, Charley?

We don't need a mayor.

What do you say, Floyd?

Would you mind
repeating the question?

All we have to do
is repeat the answer:

We don't need a mayor.

You know, it's Hooterville's
backward attitude

that makes Crabwell
Corners what it is today.

What is it?

A bustling community
with its own one-way street.

Oh, if we had two streets,

we could make one
of them one-way.

Which way? Either way.

I'd like to see Crabwell
Corners do that.

The point is, Crabwell Corners

has got a mayor and we ain't.

Just supposing we
decided we wanted a mayor.

What kind of man
did you have in mind?

Well, a man that's smart,

a good talker... be well-liked,

makes a neat appearance.

I accept the nomination.

I wasn't talking about you.

Well, you could've fooled me.

I was talking about myself.

Why should you be mayor?

Well, because he wants a trip

to the state capital
and a free haircut.

Now, look... Joe,
this is a democracy.

If you want to be mayor,

you got to be elected.

I'm just trying to save
the town some money.

Then pay for your own haircut.

If you want to do it
the long, involved way

with a campaign and
everything, that's okay with me.

But I'm throwing
my hat in the ring.

(glass breaking)

If you want to get
your hat out of the ring,

it's going to cost
you four dollars.

When I'm mayor,
don't you come to me

asking for any political favors,

'cause I ain't doing you none.

Joe is always
agitating for something.

He won't get elected.

He will if nobody
runs again' him.

Yeah, we better put
somebody else up.

I'm available.

I mean somebody who can win.

(screams)

Very funny.

Who are you, and
what are you doing

in Billie Jo's room?

How many times
have I told you to knock

before you come in?

This is an official visit.

Mom wants you to help
us clean out number seven.

I'm busy.

Doing what?

What is this goop?

It's not goop.

I paid three
dollars for that jar.

Three dollars?

"Hollywood Mud Mask.

The mud of the stars"?

It is used on all the
Hollywood soundstages.

What for, to plug up the cracks?

To give you an
outdoor look, indoors.

No fooling?

Hmm.

Oh, for goodness
sakes. Get down. Down!

Where's Betty Jo?

You sent her to get Billie Jo.

Oh. Would you go
find them, honey?

Sure.

Down! I told you down!

Down! Down! Down! Down! Down!

Get down.

Oh, Betty Jo, Mom
says that you sho...

What's going on?

Would you believe that I haven't

been outdoors all day?

What's this junk?

It's not junk.

It's goop.

"Mud of the stars"?

Read what's on
the back of the jar.

"Hollywood Mud contains
a new, miracle ingredient

"as well as all the
vitamins needed

for a balanced diet."

Try a spoonful.

Will you put that down?

That cost three dollars.

All right, so I
owe you a quarter.

Now, where's Bobbie Jo?

(barks)

You send one to find the
other and they all disappear.

(screams)

What's going on
here? And what is that?

It's mud of the stars.

You paid good money for that?

Only three dollars.
It's worth it if it'll make

Billie Jo beautiful.

You could've gotten
the same thing

by digging in the backyard,

and you would've found
some fishing worms, too.

But, Mom, that's not real mud.

That's Hollywood mud.

And like the brochure
said, "It refreshes your pores

like all out of doors."

I never heard such nonsense.

Do you think she'll run?

How do we know till we ask her?

Well, if she won't,
I'm still available.

Yeah, and you're
going to stay that way.

Anybody here?!

Kate!

Mom's upstairs.

Bobbie Jo?

I'm Betty Jo.

What happened to your face?

I'm giving myself
a beauty treatment.

Oh, well, will you tell your mom

we'd like to see her a minute?

Yes, sir.

I didn't want to
hurt her feelings,

but I think she looked prettier

without that stuff on her face.

Mom wants to know, what
do you want to see her about?

Important business.

I'll tell her. Thanks, Betty Jo.

I'm Bobbie Jo.

You know, she's
the spitting image

of Betty Jo.

Mom will be right down.

Thanks, Bobbie Jo.

I'm Billie Jo.

What did the girls put
that stuff on their faces for?

It refreshes their
pores like all outdoors.

I read it in a magazine.

What's wrong, fellas?

Oh, there's nothing
wrong, Kate... Kate?

It's me.

The girls got me mixed
up in a beauty treatment.

It's good to refresh your
pores once in a while.

It's starting to dry.

What is it, fellas?

Uh, well, Joe was talking to us

about getting a
mayor for Hooterville.

(muffled): You like the idea?

What's good enough
for Crabwell Corners

ain't good enough for us.

That don't make sense.

Well, if it made sense,
I wouldn't have said it.

And we've been talking it over

and we think it'd be a
fine thing for the town.

Of course, we have
to make sure we get

just the right candidate.

Well, I think Uncle
Joe would be fine.

We wasn't thinking of Joe.

Oh, we want you to run.

Me?!

Yeah. What about it, Kate?

(muffled): I couldn't
possibly do it.

I got the hotel...
Well, doggone!

Thank you, Your Honor.
Congratulations! Great!

(muffled sputtering)

Kate, I really thought

you'd put up a bigger fight.

Yeah!

That Hollywood Mud
hardened into concrete

and I was saying, "No,"

and they were saying,
"Congratulations."

I think you should've accepted.

I don't have time
to run for mayor.

I don't even have time

to run the carpet sweeper.

But it's such a great honor.

Yeah, Mom. If you
were elected mayor,

it'd be a wonderful
thing for our sex.

Well, if they're looking
for a sexy mayor,

they got the wrong woman.

Gee, Mom, this would give us

a chance to be proud of you.

I beg your pardon?

I mean, when you're mayor,

then we'd have a
reason to be proud of you.

(groans)

Oh, I mean... You're no help.

I know what you mean.

Least I hope I know
what you mean.

Mom, you've got to run.

Why? Well, think what
it would mean to us

to be able to tell everybody

that our mother is
mayor of Hooterville.

Especially my geometry teacher.

Then maybe she'd
give me a good mark.

I am not using my
office for special favors.

Your office?

Then you are going to run?

W-w-w-well, I...

Congratulations, Your Honor.

Your Honor?

That doesn't sound too bad.

(laughing)

Kate! Kate!

Uncle Joe, what's the matter?

Kate, I got-I got
great news for you!

I have for you, too.
Wait till you hear!

Wait till you hear mine!

I'm running for mayor.
I'm running for mayor.

You're what? You're what?

I thought you said...
I thought you said...

I did. I did.

Oh... Oh... Kate, you can't run.

Having a mayor was my idea.

Yeah, but the fellas asked me.

And Mom accepted.
Isn't that wonderful?

And you can wear Mom's
first campaign button.

What's the matter?

Don't you like the idea?

I don't think he does.

Well, why not?

'Cause Uncle Joe's
running for mayor, too.

You're running against Mom?

She's running against me.

She's making the
mistake of her life

coming up against an
experienced politician like me.

Kate, all you're
going to end up with

is a good drubbing.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Uh, why don't you
two have some coffee

and talk this over? No, thanks.

I don't fraternize
with the enemy.

Uncle Joe... let's not fight.

We won't if you drop out.

But I can't. I promised to run.

You either drop
out, or I'm leaving.

Oh, you don't have to leave.

There ain't room for both of us

in this hotel.

You're on one side,
I'm on the other.

Remember, a house
divided against itself

is a split-level house.

Mom... That's the
way Uncle Joe wants it.

Kate!

Kate, I'm going!

Bye.

Good-bye!

Bye.

Oh, Kate, I just wanted
to tell you good-bye.

Bye.

You sure you don't want
to change your mind?

No, I don't.

Give you a minute
to think it over.

I thought it over.

Bye.

(door closes)

Did you call me?

No.

I think I'll take
Geronimo along with me.

Oh! You can leave
him if you want.

I'm not leaving him here
with any petticoat politics.

Did Uncle Joe leave?

Uh-huh. Oh, he'll be back.

He's left before.

Never with his Indian.

Well, I'm not sure, Kate.

You think it should read Kate
Bradley for Mayor or Mayoress?

Well, doesn't make
any difference.

We couldn't change it anyway.

That's the only
spare sheet I got.

I wouldn't have that one if
Uncle Joe hadn't moved out.

Well, what do you think, Kate?

Well, let's give a look here.

Ow!

Ooh, Selma, I'm sorry!

Are you?

Well, I didn't do it on purpose.

Didn't you?

Selma, did you get up

on the wrong side of
your broom this morning?

How do you like the sign, Selma?

I wasn't aware we were
going to elect a mayor!

Well, it's in the paper.

I didn't read it.

It don't come out till tomorrow.

Well, I'd like to know
why you're running.

I was asked.

(scoffing): Well,
I didn't ask you.

I didn't ask you to ask me.

If you'd asked me to ask you,

I wouldn't have!

That's why I didn't
ask you to ask me.

Now what would you like to play?

I'd like to know why
you were nominated.

There are other
women in this town

who know a great
deal about civic affairs.

Yeah. Doris Ziffel's too busy.

I was talking about myself.

You usually are.

Well, you're not
gonna get my vote!

Well, you're gonna
have to vote for Joe then.

He's running against Kate.

Two people in the same family
running for the same office?

That's unethical.

Well, Joe ain't exactly
in the same family.

He moved out.

That's just like
you, Kate Bradley,

making him move out just
'cause he's running against you.

Moving out was Uncle Joe's idea!

Are you trying to
make me believe

that shiftless Joe Carson
would turn his back

on free room and board?

You probably threw him
out because he might win.

I don't think he will.

He might, if somebody were to

bring your heartlessness
to the attention of the voters.

I wonder who'd do a
nasty thing like that.

And I said to myself,

"That poor Mr. Carson,
sleeping out in the cold."

I got a room at
the boardinghouse.

Doing his own laundry...

Floyd's been doing it for me.

And eating that
horrible food at the diner!

Speaking of that, could I
have another pork chop?

Here...

Joe?

You don't mind if I
call you Joe, do you?

They're your pork chops.

I can't tell you
how sorry I feel

for the shabby way
Kate has treated you.

Throwing you out just because
she wanted to be the mayor.

Politics make strange bedcovers.

Joe, do you really think Kate
has a chance of being elected?

She's pretty popular.

Mainly because folks know
she's a relative of mine.

If they knew what she was
really like, how she's treated you,

I doubt if anybody
would vote for her.

I wouldn't say
anything against Kate.

No, but your campaign
manager could.

I ain't got a campaign manager.

You have now!

(trombone plays)

And now I am honored to present

a man who is for good
government, lower taxes,

and was thrown out of his
home by the opposing candidate.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
next mayor of Hooterville,

Joe Carson!

Thank you, thank
you! (no applause)

Friends, I...

Selma?

Don't worry, Joe.

The crowds will get bigger.

Fellow voters,

as I look into your
upturned eyes, I...

Selma?

We'll do better when we get out

in the heart of
the farm country.

And if I'm elected
mayor of Hooterville,

I promise you higher
prices for your milk.

(mooing)

Too bad she can't vote.

You fellas ought to be
ashamed of yourselves,

hauling Joe's campaign train.

We didn't have no choice.

Joe demanded equal time.

Besides, Selma paid us.

Ten cents a mile.

We wouldn't have taken a nickel

if she wasn't
playing her trombone.

Selma will do
anything to beat Kate.

She's really taking over.

She's leading Joe
around through the nose.

Like she was married to him.

Now, there's a chilling thought.

I always wondered if
her husband passed away

or if he's just hiding.

Is Joe drawing big crowds?

Oh, pretty big.

Three kids, a cow,
two pigs and a goat!

(all laughing)

He almost had a jackrabbit,

except Newt's dog showed up.

Well, Joe ought to come
over to Kate's rally tonight

and see what a
real campaign is like.

(applause)

Well, we heard a
lot of good reasons

why we should vote for
Kate for mayor tonight,

and if they weren't
enough, here are three more!

Good evening, friends
and neighbors, too

We're glad to see
each one of you.

We want her for mayor
and we want her badly

So, be sure to vote for
the great Kate Bradley!

Kate is good and fine and true

And that is why we say to you...

(lively music plays)

♪ Sha, sha, boom,
boom, google-ah-goo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, shim, sham ♪

♪ Yay, yay, yay ♪

♪ Boom, boom,
google-ah, sha, sha, goo ♪

♪ Kate for mayor,
she's good for you ♪

♪ ♪

(mouthing)

♪ Yeah, yeah, boom, boom ♪

♪ Sha, sha, goo ♪

♪ Google-ah, ooh,
ooh, bam, bam, boo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, coo,
coo, deedle-ah-doo ♪

♪ Kate for mayor
of Hooterville ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, hey, go,
go, hey, ram, ram ♪

♪ Sha, sha, boom,
boom, yeah, ram, ram ♪

♪ Yam, bam, google-ah,
deedle-ah-dill ♪

♪ Kate for mayor
of Hooterville ♪

♪ Kate for mayor
of Hooterville ♪

♪ Kate for mayor
of Hooterville! ♪

(music stops)

Do you know where I could
get a copy of them words, Kate?

Wake up, wake up!

Cut it out, Kate.

I'm not Kate!

And get up!

Trying to sleep off
that supper of yours.

What kind of meat
was that we had?

Pot roast.

It's more like roast pot.

There isn't any
time for sleeping.

I want you to learn this
speech I wrote for you.

I don't want to
learn any speeches.

When I tell you to learn
something, you learn it.

Selma, you can't
talk that way to me.

We ain't married.

I accept your proposal.

Proposal?!

Before I'd propose to you, I'd
throw myself in Simpson Swamp.

Well, if you had no
idea of marrying me,

why did you let
me hire the train?

And blow my lips to the
bone playing the trombone?

That don't constitute
no proposal of marriage.

If you had no intention
of marrying me

and you allowed me to
lay out money for you,

you're nothing but a-a-a gigolo!

I ain't a gigolo.

I accept your proposal.

Selma, I... Joseph,

now that Kate's thrown you out,

you're all alone in the world.

I got a second
cousin in Des Moines.

But you're going to need
a woman at your side

to help your career in politics.

Mayor of Hooterville
is just a stepping stone

to state senator,
then the governor.

Joe, we're going
to go far together!

Selma, if you're
planning on marrying me

because I'm gonna
be mayor, forget it.

Kate's gonna win by a landslide.

Joe, if you were to
be elected mayor,

would you promise to marry me?

Well, I ain't gonna be elected

so it would be like
promising nothing.

I accept your proposal.

He said what?!

That he was going to throw
himself into Simpson Swamp.

But why?!

In your uncle's very own words,

"Kate's gonna
win by a landslide."

Kate, I saw the
desperation in his eyes.

He looked trapped!

Oh, Selma, if anybody
but you had told me this,

I might believe it.

If you choose not to believe me,

it's gonna be on your conscience

when they fish him
out of Simpson Swamp!

Well, it's up to you.

Good day!

Don't believe it.

You didn't believe it when
Uncle Joe said he'd move out.

No, I didn't... I miss him.

So do I. So does he.

He spends all day waiting
for Uncle Joe to come home

and yell at him for
sitting on his rocker.

Poor little thing.

Without Uncle Joe here,
he has no one to bug.

Well, neither do I.

Mom, do you really
want to be mayor?

I never did.

But Uncle Joe does.

So, there's only
one thing to do.

So, I'm announcing that I'm
withdrawing from the race,

in favor of your next
mayor, Joe Carson.

What?!

Selma, I di... Oh, hi, Kate.

How are you, Your Honor?

Huh?

Kate just withdrew from
the race in favor of you, Joe.

Congratulations.

Kate, you can't do that!

I thought that was
what you wanted.

That's what she wanted.

Joe promised to marry
me if he were elected.

What?!

Kate, you've got to reenlist!

She can't.

There's a law in
the books that says

that once a candidate
officially withdraws,

he can't reenter the race.

Am I correct, Sam?

The Hooterville
election code, section C.

Well, who was stupid enough

to put a thing like
that in the code?

I was.

Well, if it's a law it's simple.

It's very simple.

Uncle Joe, you withdraw, too.

Yeah, I... Just a second.

There's another law.

I figured there'd be.

It covers breach of promise.

Joe Carson, you promised to
marry me if you became mayor

and you are mayor
and you can't back out.

Selma, while you were browsing

through those law books,

did you come
across anything about

the penalty for
belting somebody?

Selma, you ought to know
the answer to that one.

From your first husband.

It's 30 days or $30.

$30 or 30 days, huh?

Sam, would you
put that on my bill?

Kate, your credit's
good with me.

Resort to violence if you wish,

but I am going to marry
the next mayor of Hooterville.

What am I gonna do?

Well, you could stand
there contemplating the joys

of marital bliss with Selma,

or you can hit the
campaign trail with me.

What are they counting
the votes for again?

Selma keeps wanting a recount.

Thirty-nine.

Count them again!

I already counted
them eight times.

It still comes out the same.

Joe got one vote...
Probably yours...

And his opponent got
written in on 38 ballots.

There's something wrong.

There sure is... I only
talked to 35 people.

You see, Selma,
Kate got me unelected.

You can put that bride's outfit
back in your hopeless chest.

No, just a second, Uncle Joe.

Selma said that she would
marry the next mayor of Hooterville.

Uh, boys, bring in His Honor!

Selma, I would like
you to meet the winner,

by an overwhelming
write-in vote,

His Honor, the
mayor of Hooterville.

Kate Bradley, you...

Ooh, he'll make
you a fine husband.

You'll never have to worry
about him running around at night.

I'll be glad to perform
the ceremony for nothing.

And for the honeymoon,
may I suggest

Simpson Swamp?

(all laughing)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.