Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 27 - Bedloe's Most Fiendish Scheme - full transcript

What would we do without
the dastardly Homer Bedloe

from the C. & F.W. Railroad?

Well, everyone at the Shady Rest

would sure love the
chance to find out.

Kate's crotchety and
persistent nemesis

is once again threatening
to foreclose on her

and get our hotel into the
hands of the Pixley Bank.

This one first
aired April 13, 1965,

and without a doubt,
this has just got to be

"Bedloe's Most Fiendish Scheme."

(train whistle blows)



♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

As you can readily
see, these are the bills.

And this is what I
have to pay them with.

Five, six, seven.

IOU a dollar, IOU a dollar
and a half, IOU 47 cents,

IOU six bits.

Whose are those?

Uncle Joe, Uncle Joe,
Uncle Joe, Uncle Joe,

and this one has
a paw print on it.

Well, he wanted to buy
a can of flea powder.

Uncle Joe, do
you think it's right

to dip into the cash box?

Well, the manager of the hotel

can't go around without
money in his pocket.

Why not? The owner does.

Here's a bill from
Doc Stuart for $38.

Now what's this for
when nobody's sick?

That's what I still
owe him on Betty Jo.

Uh, well, maybe we should
give her back and call it even.

It's nice to know

that one's sisters
love her so much.

I might have to
give you all back

and get a refund in
order to pay these bills.

Couldn't we pay a
little on each one?

I got a scheme cooking
that's going to pay off

all them puny debts

and make us all
independently wealthy.

Uncle Joe.

Kate, this is not one of
my usual visionary ideas.

This one's solid, practical.

I'm turning the Shady
Rest into an ostrich farm.

Now about these bills...

There's big money to
be made in ostriches.

All you got to do to start is to
have a man ostrich and his wife.

And before you know it,

you've got more ostriches than
you can pluck feathers out of.

Women stick them in
their hats for decorations.

Uncle Joe, they haven't
done that in years.

That's why it's a
ripe time for ostriches.

When the feathers come back,

we'll have a corner
on the market.

Now, I can get this
pair of ostriches...

No, you can't. Oh, yes, I can.

I met a fella down at the
feed store this morning.

He's selling off his circus.

He had a couple of
matched ostriches...

Uncle Joe, could I just get
around to the real bad news?

Kate... This is a letter
from Mr. Guerney

at the Pixley Bank.

He's paying us a visit tonight.

What for?

Well, it doesn't say,

but I suspect it has
something to do with the fact

that I haven't made
a mortgage payment

in six months.

Aw, Guerney's no problem.

Why, I'll brief him
on my ostrich farm

and feed him a couple
of slabs of your apple pie

and he'll be begging
you to let them payments

slide another six months.

Mr. Guerney, would you
like another piece of pie?

Well, uh... Hold on, Kate.

Before you give
him another hunk,

have him answer
the two-slab question.

Uncle Joe, Mr. Guerney
is a guest in our home.

That is the two-slab question...

Is this gonna be
our home or ain't it?

Well, Mrs. Bradley, I'm
afraid I have some bad news...

That answers the question.

Mrs. Bradley, in order
to obtain added capital

for my bank, I've had to
take in some new associates.

The policy of the bank
is much stricter now.

They want their money.

Well, if I could just
have a little more time.

Tell him about the
deal I got cooking

that's gonna put
us on easy street.

We're turning the Shady
Rest into an ostrich farm.

Not now, Uncle Joe.

Um, Mr. Guerney,
couldn't, couldn't we have

some kind of an extension?

Well, um, maybe two weeks.

My associates won't like it,

but I'll talk them
into it somehow.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Here we are. Oh...
Well, thank you.

But Bedloe, it's only
two more weeks.

I told you to evict
Kate Bradley last night.

Yes, I know, but...

Guerney, I went
to a lot of finagling

to get my superiors at
the C.& F.W. Railroad

to invest money in this
tin-plated petty cash box.

And I stuck my neck
out for one reason only...

To close down the
Shady Rest Hotel forever.

Oh, how did I ever let
myself get into a spot like this?

By being too softhearted to
press people like Kate Bradley

for the money they owe you.

You got a thumb, man.

You got somebody
under it, bear down.

Squeeze a little.

Get a little dirt on it.

Bedloe, you are a cruel,
heartless, inhuman fiend.

I owe it all to a
happy childhood.

Mom, we figured out

how we're gonna save the hotel.

We're all going to get jobs

and we're going to
pay back the money

that we owe to the bank.

Now hold it. If
you've got any ideas

about quitting
school, forget 'em.

But we're gonna
get part-time jobs.

After school. And
on the weekends.

That's a coward's way out.

Wouldn't any of us have to work

if your mother would go along
with me on the ostrich farm.

Oh, Uncle Joe, forget it.

Okay, if that's the
way you feel about it.

Where are you going, Uncle Joe?

See if I got any clean spats.

I want to look
presentable tomorrow

when I go into Pixley
to look for a position.

Now you see, Mom,

everything's just
gonna work out fine.

Yeah, you haven't got
a thing to worry about.

Except making a ninny of
myself in front of everybody.

But, uh...

Well, what's the
matter with Mom?

I don't know.

Maybe she's upset
because she had to give up

her lifelong dream of
living on an ostrich farm.

(whistle blowing)

Well, Mom, how do we look?

We're going job
hunting after school. Oh.

Billie's going to
try and get a job

as Doc Stuart's
office assistant.

And Bobbie's gonna try
the Hooterville Library.

Uh-huh. Uh...

What-what kind of a
job are you hunting for?

Well, I don't know
shorthand like Billie Jo,

and I'm not an expert
on books like Bobbie Jo,

so all that's left is picking
apples for Ben Miller

or helping Fred Ziffel
out on his pig farm.

Well, whether you
get a job or not,

I'm real proud of all of you.

Well, Mom, we got to go.

Good-bye, dears. Bye-bye.

Bye, Mom. Bye-bye, honey.

Bye. Bye. Good luck.

(barking)

Yes, it gives you
a wonderful feeling

when a family
rallies against trouble.

(barking)

Oh, you're a real Bradley.

Let's see, Billie Jo,
when was the last time

you were in to see me?

Oh, I remember...

When I took your tonsils
out. That was Bobbie Jo.

Well, that must have been

when your appendix
was acting up.

That was Betty Jo.

When was the last time
you came in to see me?

When Mom brought me in
to have my formula changed.

If all my patients
were as healthy as you,

I wouldn't have any.

Stick your tongue out.

But, Doctor... Stick it out.

Ah... Lovely, simply beautiful.

But, Doctor... Here, put
this under your tongue.

Hold it.

Doc, there's nothing
wrong with me.

Nothing wrong with you?

No, I came over to
see if you needed

someone to help
you out in your office.

Doing what?

Uh, answering the phone.

I answer it myself.

I could take messages
when you weren't here.

Sarah does that
down at the exchange.

I know... you need someone
to tidy up your office.

It is tidy.

Look at that examination table.

Clean enough to
eat your lunch off of.

Had your lunch yet?

Yes, sir.

I haven't. I'm
soft-boiling an egg.

You know, you could
use a filing system.

That is my filing system.

Oh.

Hey, how about some typing?

I never answer any mail.

Oh.

Well, how about... (sniffs)

Hey, something's burning.

Uh-oh. My toast, my toast.

Always gets to be a better color
when I put the goggles over it.

How about your prescriptions?

I could type them
up real nice and neat

so the druggist could read them.

Are you trying to
get me in trouble

with the Medical Association?

Get me the salt.

I'm sorry, Billie Jo,
but I just can't afford

to hire anybody.

Well, now just maybe you could

if were to write to
some of your patients

and to remind them to
pay up what they owe you.

They'll pay me when
they get around to it.

Oh.

Well, you don't happen
to know of anybody

that does need any
secretarial help, do you?

Not offhand, no.

I see.

Well... thanks, anyway.

Hey, wait a minute.

Is your mother in trouble?

Oh, things are a little slow,

but everything
will be all right.

Sounds serious.

Oh, nothing we can't handle.

If we could just
get a little work.

Bobbie, Betty and Uncle
Joe are looking for a job, too.

Uncle Joe? That must be serious.

Oh, now don't
you worry about it.

Wait a minute, I've been
thinking what you said

about writing letters
to people that owe me.

Even if you get a few
answers, it'll pay me to hire you.

But, Doc, you said...

I'll get the records
of the house calls

and office visits of
people that owe me.

Here, here. There you are.

Oh, Doc, are you sure you're
not just making me a job?

Of course not. You're
doing me a favor.

Look, desk's almost cleaned up.

Sit down now and get to
work. My egg's getting cold.

Yeah.

Ah.

No, Betty Jo, I don't think
I've got any kind of work

around here you could do.

Well, couldn't I feed
the pigs for you?

No, that's Doris' job.

That's why I married her.

Well, maybe I could take over
feeding them on the weekends

so you and Mrs. Ziffel
could go out together.

What for?

To have fun.

I never have no fun
going out with her.

All she does is sit
there and worry about

whether she fed the pigs or not.

If I feed 'em, she
won't have to worry.

I'm very reliable.

Well...

When was the last
time you and Mrs. Ziffel

went to town together?

When we got married.

You ought to try it again.

Oh, gosh, Mr. Ziffel,
I sure do need a job.

You trying to earn some money
to buy yourself a new football?

Oh, no, sir.

(grunting) That's good.

Old Arnold here, he
don't like footballs.

He doesn't?

No, his father
wound up being one.

I'm sorry, Arnold.

It could have been
worse, though.

He made more of a name
for hisself as a football

than he would have as a pig.

He got booted over the goal post

for the final point that
won the Rose Bowl game.

What do you say, Mr. Ziffel?

If Billie and Bobbie
get jobs and I don't...

Oh, are they job hunting, too?

Yes.

Your mama having money trouble?

Oh, you know how it is.

Well, now let's see...
How would you be

on taking care of
young'uns for their parents?

I'm the best
babysitter in the valley.

Oh, but you and Mrs. Ziffel
don't have any children.

But we got grandchildren.

Arabella's done it again.

Yeah, Kate, the girls told us

about your business problems.

We're sorry to hear about it.

Now me and Floyd's
got a little put away

we'd be glad to
lend to help you out.

Oh, that's very
sweet of you fellas,

and I appreciate
it, but I couldn't.

Oh, it's just sitting
there in the bank.

Yeah, we're always afraid

somebody's gonna knock it
off the bureau and break it.

No.

Ask her about the laundry.

What laundry?

Dirty laundry.

Oh. How about the dirty laundry?

I don't know, how
about the dirty laundry?

Now, what dumb
head here means is

that we've got to
find somebody else

to do our laundry.

We're not satisfied with
the way it's being done.

Yeah, Charley's
always complaining

I put too much starch in it.

Besides, we can't use
the washing machine

at the boarding house no more.

That's right.

Mrs. Donahue's using it
to slosh her elderberries

for a new batch of wine.

Yeah, you can't use it
for a month afterwards.

Just purples up everything.

Well, if you boys want
your laundry done,

you just bring it over here,

and I'll do it for
you... No charge.

But Kate... No charge.

And I want you to take along

one of my fresh-baked
pies before you leave.

Doggone it, ain't that the
stubbornest female ever you did see?

Yeah.

There just got to be
some way to help her.

Yeah, ain't that
the smartest critter?

Look how nice he
printed that sign.

Hey, pony up
for the dog's kitty.

(playing "Frère Jacques" slowly)

No, no, no, no,
Billy, it's still too slow.

I'll show you, okay?

(playing up-tempo) ♪ Frère
Jacques, Frère Jacques ♪

♪ Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? ♪

♪ Sonnez les matines,
sonnez les matines ♪

♪ Ding, dong, ding,
ding, dong, ding. ♪

Oh. Well, I'm sorry.

Billy, we'd better try it again.

(squealing)

Next time, don't lollygag
when the dinner bell rings.

Now, Mom, every
night we'll report to you

how much each of us has made,

and you can keep a
running account of it.

And you can start
by putting down

seven dollars and 50 cents

from the Shady Rest
Secretarial Service.

Seven dollars and 50 cents.

And five dollars from the Shady
Rest Conservatory of Music.

Good.

And don't forget four dollars

for the Shady Rest
Pigsitting Service,

and I'm gonna pigsit for
Mrs. Ziffel again next week.

And I would like to
announce the formation

of the Shady Rest Laundry.

Got my first customer
today, Mrs. Donahue.

But Mom, you shouldn't be...

Oh, she begged me to.

Her wash is still coming
out elderberry purple.

Hello, Uncle Joe.

Hi. Hi.

Any luck in Pixley today?

No.

Went to the box factory
and offered my services

for their executive
ranks... They got no vision.

They're satisfied with
those incompetents they got.

Okay, we've got
less than two weeks

and a little more
than $120 to go.

Can we do it?

You bet. Of course.

What do you say, Uncle Joe?

These spats is a-cutting
off my circulation.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Instead of wasting
your time dancing,

why don't you go out and
look for some honest work?

You know, $98.50 isn't bad.

In fact, it's fantastic.

But it isn't enough.

Yeah, I'm almost at the
bottom of Doc Stuart's bills.

Fred Ziffel doesn't want

to go out with
Mrs. Ziffel anymore.

And the laundry business
is petering out, too.

Well, hi, Uncle Joe.

Hi, Bobbie.

Hi, Uncle Joe. Hi, Billie.

Oh, Uncle Joe, we
were worried about you.

I had a late meeting

with the president of the
Pixley Power Company.

Oh?

He ain't retiring
for five years.

Did you have supper?

Yeah. Pixley Diner.

Fellow there offered me a job

as a short-order cook.

You say the fellow
needs a short-order cook?

Kate, that ain't
my line of work.

No, but it's mine.

Mom...

Look, I've been dishin'
up short orders all my life.

Time I got paid
for it. But Kate...

If everybody else
can help, so can I.

(humming)

Adam and Eve on
a raft. Wreck 'em.

Adam and Eve on
a...? Mister... Mr. Clegg?

You got my order?

Oh, no. Uh, what's
Adam and Eve on a raft?

Two eggs on toast.

Read the order.

How-How do I wreck 'em?

Scramble 'em.

Oh.

"Two E on T."

Adam...

Eve.

Wreck 'em.

(chuckles): Adam and Eve on a...

Adam and Eve on
a raft. A raft. Hmm!

(muttering softly)

One leader.

One leader.

Mr. Clegg, what's a leader?

The special, beef stew.

Oh.

Where's my egg order?

Well, uh, Adam and
Eve are wrecked,

but the raft is
still in dry dock.

Get with it.

There you are, Adam
and Eve on a raft, wrecked.

Where are the French fries?

You... You didn't order any.

All it says here
is "two E on T."

It doesn't say a
thing about FFs.

French fries
always go with eggs.

Look, if you don't want to...

No, no, no, I'll get
'em. I'll get 'em.

Just keep your
shirt on. I'll, uh...

keep Adam and Eve
warm. Where's the leader?

Uh, I'm getting to
it. I'm getting to it.

(sobs)

Clean up the kitchen.

Oh. Where's the broom?

What broom?

To clean up the kitchen with.

"Clean up the
kitchen" means hash.

Why didn't you say so?

It'd be so much easier.

All right, an order of hash.

What are you
peeling the spud for?

Uh, for the FFs
for Adam and Eve.

They're already peeled and
sliced, they're in the icebox.

Just dump some into the
grease. Oh. Yeah, I will.

Oh, I've never
seen such a stupid...

Will you just dump some in
the grease? Yes, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it right now.

I'll be with you
in a minute, kid.

I cleaned up the kitchen.

Where's my order of stew?

You mean, "leader."

I'll get it.

Beef stew?

Eureka.

Oh, a hamburger to go.
That means to take out.

Uh, a Swiss on
rye, a pair. Swiss...

That's two Swiss cheese
sandwiches on rye bread.

On rye you said, didn't
you? An order of beef stew.

Rye... One order of beef stew.

Beef stew. The bat... A stack of
wheat. The batter's already made.

Bacon and eggs sunny side,
and don't forget the potatoes.

A hamburger; a pair,
both with... Both with.

And bacon and eggs
Sunnyside. Bacon...

And don't forget the potatoes.

No, I won't forget.
An order of hash.

And egg salad on toast.

Mr. Clegg, why don't you...

And a bowl of chili.

Watch it!

How about my scrambled eggs?

Coming.

So's Christmas.

Sorry for the
delay, fellas, but I

got this creep
working for me today.

She's trying to handle
a six-burner stove

with a one-burner brain.

Well, at last.

(screams)

(clattering)

(moaning)

oh, oh... Mrs. Bradley, I...

(bell clanging)

KATE: Four is 12,
16... (muttering)

$132.16.

Did you count the $12.50

I took in selling your
mom's preserves?

Yes.

I could have done better,
Kate, but your quince

didn't go over too
big with the public.

We're $5.84 short.

Hasn't anybody got any money?

(barks)

We forgot Fred Astaire.

I'll get the kitty.

You're just wasting your time.

How much would anybody pay

to watch him roam
around on his hind legs?

I think we made it!

Oh, we did!

You hear that, Bedloe?

Curses! Foiled!

Are you coming in?

No, I like to be alone
in my moment of grief.

Good evening.

Good evening, Mr. Guerney.

We were waiting for you.

We've got the money for you.

The whole $138.

This is cruel! Cruel!

$8.22 in cash

and the rest in
accounts receivable.

From all the people
we worked for.

Mrs. Bradley, I can't tell you
how happy this makes me.

Now I'll just write you
out a receipt for this.

Hold it!

Don't give 'em that receipt.

Homer Bedloe.

As a representative of
the controlling interest

of the Pixley Bank
and Trust Company

I am foreclosing the
mortgage on this property.

Everybody out!

I don't know how
you got in that bank.

Probably crawled in
through a sewer pipe.

And you can't foreclose,
because we can pay.

What, with these?

Ha! Idle promises.

It's money that's owed us.

And when we're paid,
we'll turn it over to you.

Well, I'm not interested in
the money that's owed you.

I'm only interested in
the money that's owed us.

If you haven't got
the cash, out you go.

Serve 'em the papers, Guerney.

This is more fun than
the railroad business.

Guerney, the papers.
You've got 'em, haven't you?

Yes, yes, right here, but
they haven't been signed.

What?! I forgot to take them

over to the county
seat for the judge's

signature. Well, go get it!

It'll take a week
to process them.

Ooh, you incompetent nincompoop!

Okay, Bedloe, out.

Now just a minute.

This is still our property,
and you're trespassing. Out!

(gasps) (dog snarling)

(barking)

Cut that out! Quit
it, you miserable cur!

(all chuckling)

Thank you, Mr. Guerney,
for being so forgetful.

Oh, it was the only
thing I could think of

in case you didn't
raise the money.

I'm afraid it's all
I'll be able to do.

You'll have to have
the money by next week.

Maybe we can get
everybody to pay us by then.

Money's just as short
for them as it is with us.

I'm afraid the only thing that
can save us now is a miracle.

(footsteps)

I hope you brought your wife.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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Filmways Presentation.