Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 25 - A Tale of Two Dogs - full transcript

There's all kinds of fussin'
and fightin' between Hooterville

and Crabwell Corners
in this next episode

which centers on
cannons and canines.

Frank Killmond is back
in the role of Tad Winslow,

and Mr. Fillmore is
played by Robert Shayne,

known to fans of TV's
Adventures of Superman

for his portrayal of
Inspector Henderson.

As broadcast March 30, 1965,

here's a classic
story of competition

called "A Tale of Two Dogs."

It was the best of wags,
it was the worst of wags.



(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

Get out and stay out!

And I don't want to ever
see you around here again!

But, Mr. Drucker...

And that goes for
your father, too.

You Crabwell Corners people
stay in Crabwell Corners...

if you can stand it!

And get this hound
out of here, too!

Out, out!

Speedy...

(muttering): You...
draggin' mutt.

Come on.

Why don't you give
him a transfusion, Tad?

Come on, Speedy.

Do you want me to leave
you here in Hooterville?

He may be lazy,
but he's not dumb.

None of them
Crabwell Corners kids

has respect for their adults.

(slamming cans)

Mornin', Sam.

Of all the doggone,
no-good ornery...

Did my sewing machine come back?

I should have thrown
that Tad Winslow

out of here before he came in.

What did he do?

Of all the sneaky,
low-down, underhanded...

What did he do?

Old man Winslow,
he ain't man enough

to come over here by himself,

so he sends his kid
over and that stupid dog.

What did he do?

I'll tell you what
he do'd... uh, did.

He had the nerve to come
in here in broad daylight

with a smile on his face...

That's when I should have
known he was up to no good,

when he smiled,
'cause he never smiles

unless he's up to no good.

I don't like that kid,
and I don't like his dad,

and I don't like the
town he lives in...

Sam, did my sewing
machine come back?

Kate, ain't you
interested in what he did?

What did he do?

Of all the lowdown,
backstabbin'...

Sam, either tell me what he did

or give me my sewing machine.

Your sewing machine's
out in the back room,

and this is what he did.

It's a summons.

Crabwell Corners v.
Town of Hooterville.

Crabwell Corners is suing us

for our Spanish-American
War cannon.

How come they gave
you the summons?

You ain't authorized to
versus Crabwell Corners.

Who else would they give it to?

I'm the highest-ranking
official in Hooterville.

The justice of the peace.

You can't get much
higher in Hooterville.

That'll be ten cents, Joe.

I thought we settled

who owned the cannon years ago.

We did, but they've
been trying to unsettle it.

They couldn't get it legal,

so they're gonna
take it to court.

Well, they haven't
got a leg to stand on.

That cannon was
captured fair and square

by a company of
Hooterville volunteers

charging up San Ju-an Hill.

I think it's a good
idea then to go to court

and settle it once and for all.

You're darn right it is.

Justice ain't blind.

Right makes right.

Possession is nine
points in the law.

There ain't a court in the
land that would think twice

about giving the nod to
Crabwell Corners over us.

Where do we have to appear?

Crabwell Corners
Municipal Court.

They sure did a good job
of overhauling this machine.

It's just like new.

Mom, that'll never
be a new machine.

That can't do half the things
the new models can do.

Mom, when are you gonna make me

a new dress for school?

I just made you one.

Well, that was for Bobbie Jo.

Well, you'll get to
wear it soon enough.

Mom, just once can't I be
the first one to wear a dress?

You were the first one to
wear your Sunday dress.

Yeah, but weekdays,
I'm just a hand-me-down.

Next time I get
born into a family,

I'm gonna be born first.

Well, honey, I was
planning on making you one.

Boy, that's beautiful!

Wait till the kids in
school see me in it.

Well, I'm afraid
they never will.

That's for Billie
Jo's party dress.

Party?

Uh-huh.

Henry Brewster's taking
her to the Pioneer dance.

Henry Brewster? Yuck.

Why does she go out with him?

Maybe she likes him.

Hello.

Oh, Billie Jo,

I got the material
for your party dress.

How do you like it?

It's horrible.

Boy, wait till the kids
in school see me in that.

But this is the most
expensive material

that Sam has in his store.

It's horrible!

I agree. Mom, do you think

there's enough there
to make me a coat, too?

Not so fast. Now
what's wrong with this?

It's horrible And Henry
Brewster's horrible.

In fact, the whole
world is horrible!

Guess who had a fight
with you-know-who.

You stay out of
this, hand-me-down.

Is this one of those

"Never call me again
in your whole life" fights

or is it serious?

It's serious! I never
want to see him again!

We're through!

You wouldn't believe
what he said to me.

Oh, yes, we would. Betty Jo...

Now wait a minute.

No fighting between the
two of you about the fight

that Billie Jo had with Henry.

Just tell me one thing:

Are you going to
the dance with him?

Absolutely not.

We are though,
finished, washed up.

I gave him back
his fraternity pin,

his signet ring and that locket
he gave me for my birthday.

He'll be back.

And what makes you so sure?

You still got his record player.

Ah-ah-ah!-ah

Ooh!

(Betty Jo reading)

Would you like to
enter the contest?

(barks)

You got a dollar?

If he had a dollar,
he'd be worth

a dollar and a
quarter altogether.

(snarling)

If you ignore it, it'll go away.

That mutt couldn't
even get in the contest.

Why not? It says "all breeds."

And he's certainly all breeds.

That means pure breeds.

All of his breeds are pure.

(barks)

Just be thankful
he can't compete,

'cause my dog is gonna
run away with all the prizes.

Run away? He
can't even stand up.

My dog... Didn't
Mr. Drucker tell you

to stay out of Hooterville?

I'm waiting for the train.

Then why don't you
go stand on the tracks

so you don't miss it?

Is your sister home?

Which sister?

The beautiful one.

You'll have to be
more specific than that.

Billie Jo.

I hear she had a fight
with horrible Henry

and she hasn't got a
date for the Pioneer dance.

So I thought I'd give
her a break and ask her.

Why don't you give everybody
a break and stand on the tracks?

Come on. Let's go to the
other end of the platform

where the air is better.

Come on.

Move.

Look at the dog that's going
to win the obedience contest.

Have you ever seen
anything so ridiculous?

(barking)

Look, that dog...

Is about the least
likely to win a contest

I've ever seen.

Show him how you obey.

Sit up.

Down.

Did you teach him that
or is just naturally clumsy?

At least he's alive.

Maybe I could talk to the judges

about letting your
dog in the contest...

just for laughs.

He'd have the last laugh

when he walked
off with first prize.

Are you serious?

Get him in the contest and see.

How about a private contest,
your dog against mine?

Any time.

How about Saturday morning?

Won't you be too
busy scurrying around

trying to find somebody to
go to the dance with you?

That's all settled.

I'm gonna take your sister.

You haven't even asked her...

not that it would
do you any good.

I thought a date with her
would make a dandy prize.

Prize?

There's no sense in
having our dogs compete

unless there's
something at stake.

Now wait a second...

I knew you'd chicken out.

I'm not chickening out.

See you Saturday.

Come on, Speedy.

Up. Up!

See you Saturday.

Do you think it'll be done

in time for the dance
Saturday night?

Not if I hadn't started sewing

the minute you said
you never wanted

to see Henry again
as long as you live.

Well, I didn't at the time.

But then I changed my mind.

You always do.

Well, I got to thinking
about what Henry said to me

and it wasn't so bad.

He's said worse things to me.

Hold still.

Mom, don't you
think it's a little high?

Well, you don't want it
dragging on the ground.

I'm talking about this end.

Oh. Well, I could
lower it a little.

Thanks.

Jacket will cover it.

What jacket?

This one... I'm sewing you

into it before you leave.

Oh, Mom, do you want me to...?

I certainly do.

When you were my age,

didn't your mother let
you wear low cut dresses?

My mother did, but
my husband wouldn't.

BETTY JO: Billie Jo?

I'm in Mom's room.

Billie Jo, I've got
something funny to tell you.

I was waiting for the
train in Hooterville and...

What's that?

My dress that I'm
gonna wear to the dance

Saturday night.
Henry and I made up.

You can't do that.

She always does. Oh, but...

What's the matter with you?

Well, I... you see...

Oh, well, you'll probably
have another fight with him

before the dance, won't you?

No.

You should...

because there are
a lot of nice fellas

that would be glad to take you.

Oh? Like who?

Tad Winslow.

Who?

Tad Winslow.

Mom, you better
take her temperature.

I think she's got a fever.

Forehead does feel hot.

Good. Maybe I'll get sick.

In fact, I am sick.

Betty Jo, are you trying
to tell us something?

Kind of.

What happened in Hooterville?

Well... What happened?

(laughs nervously)

There's nothing to worry about.

His dog doesn't stand
a chance of winning.

Maybe I've got a fever

because I keep hearing a voice,

but I don't understand
what it's saying.

What it's saying is this:

Tad Winslow insulted your dog.

My dog?

Our dog. The family dog.

This poor little animal
that's all breeds,

but none that the County
Kennel Club will recognize.

Betty Jo, forget
about the poor dog

and tell us what you're
trying not to tell us, huh?

Well... I'd better hold this.

You see, I didn't know
you'd made up with Henry,

so when Tad Winslow challenged
our dog to an obedience contest

with a date with you
as first prize, I accepted.

You what?!

Well, I didn't think you'd mind,

and I knew you wouldn't
want Tad Winslow to think

his old bloodhound
could beat your dog.

I don't care what
Tad Winslow thinks,

and that's not my dog!

Well, if that's
the way you feel,

you can just tell
Tad Winslow yourself

that the whole thing's off.

Uh, just a minute, Betty Jo.

Let me get this thing straight.

You made a bet with Tad Winslow;

his bloodhound against him?

Right.

And if his bloodhound wins,

Billie Jo's supposed to
go to the dance with Tad?

Right.

Not that it matters, but
what happens if he wins?

Then you don't have to
go to the dance with him.

Mom, would you
tell your daughter

that no matter what
she bet with Tad Winslow

there is no bet?!

That's right.

Dishonor the name of Bradley.

Well, you had
no right to bet me.

Why didn't you bet yourself?

I wouldn't go out
with Tad Winslow.

Mom!

Tad tricking this
poor innocent girl.

Betty Jo, tell you what to do.

You go over to Crabwell
Corners and you tell Tad

that the bet is off.

Me? But I'm just a
poor innocent girl.

Well, I'm not.

I mean, I'm not a girl.

I mean, I... I'll do it.

Is there anybody can give me
a ride over to Crabwell Corners?

I'm afraid not. Well, I
got to get over there

right away and settle
something with Tad Winslow.

I'll be glad to lend you that
old bicycle I got out back.

Kate Bradley!

Hello, Martha. Is Tad home?

Something wrong?

Nothing I can't straighten out.

Is Tad... Well,
he'll be home later.

Why don't you come
in and wait for him.

Well, I... Oh, come on.

Well, Martha, if
you're not busy.

Oh, no. I was just
doing a little sewing.

I've got the same model.

How does yours work?

Like a charm since
I had it overhauled.

I wish I could afford to
have something done to this.

Well, sit down.

Martha, I really
don't... Oh, sit down.

(chuckles): Oh, Martha.

You know, I haven't
seen you for months.

How is everything at the hotel?

Not too bad.

And how are the girls?

Well, they're fine,
except Betty Jo.

Something wrong with her?

Mm, there won't
be after I talk to Tad.

You didn't come over here

to talk to him about
that bet, did you?

I certainly did.

Forget it.

But I can't forget it, Martha.

Tad's always teasing.

He's forgotten about it already.

He has?

Sure. You know how those
kids are always up to something.

(chuckles)

(laughs)

Oh, they sure are.

Although, I wish
they'd had the contest.

'Cause I'd like
Tad to go out with

a pretty girl like Billie Jo.

Well, even if they'd
had the contest,

Tad wouldn't have been
taking Billie Jo to the dance.

Oh, yes, he would.

You didn't understand.

If Tad's dog had
beat your little dog,

then he would've had the date.

If he beat our dog.

You don't think he could?

I certainly don't.

Well, I'm afraid I
can't agree with you.

Oh, you can't?

No, I can't.

Hi, Kate.

Did you talk with Tad?

No, I talked with Martha.

What about the bet?

Well, I settled it with
Martha; it's all off.

Good for you, Kate.

You imagine the nerve
of that Tad Winslow,

trying to weasel a date
out of one of our girls?

Even though that
bloodless bloodhound of his

doesn't stand a chance.

That's exactly what
I said to Martha.

(chuckles) What did she say?

She didn't agree.

You mean she thought

Tad's dog could beat yours?

She certainly did.

Too bad she didn't want to bet.

She certainly did.

She did?

My brand-new fixed-up
old sewing machine

against her old broken
down sewing machine.

Kate, isn't it bad enough

having one Winslow trap Betty Jo

into a bet without letting
Martha do the same to you?

Well, she just got
me good and mad.

Well, the Winslows have a
talent for making people mad.

Do you know how
much the lawyering

on this cannon suit
is gonna cost us?

$65.

Kate, I ain't a-gonna let
you go through with this bet.

Uncle Joe, our dog can't lose.

That's not the point.

Martha Winslow
trapped you into betting

practically a brand-new sewing
machine against a hunk of junk.

If they want to bet, let
them make the odds even.

But, Uncle Joe,
don't... Joe's right.

You're darn tootin' I am.

I'll take care of this.

Back already, Uncle Joe?

Didn't take long.

I had a little heart-to-heart
talk with old man Winslow.

Sewing machine bet's off.

Good for you, Joe.

You imagine him
trying to tell me

that their dog could beat ours?

(laughs)

I ain't one to hold a
man's stupidity against him.

I told him they could come over

and look at the fire
engine anytime they want.

Well, that's... Fire engine?!

He was fool enough to bet the
Crabwell Corners fire engine.

What were you
fool enough to bet?

Our Spanish-American War cannon.

What?!

Mr. Carson, glad I caught you.

My father drew up this
agreement for you to sign.

Just in case you decided
to weasel out of the bet.

I ain't weaseling.
Give it to me.

Uncle Joe, maybe you better...

Kate, someday
this town will erect

a statue to me
for what I've done.

There.

Thanks.

Joe... Sam, our
dog can beat theirs

with his tail tied
behind his back.

Oh, Mr. Drucker, almost forgot.

Need some dog
biscuits for my dog.

Who is that?

My dog.

Close the door.

That ain't your dog.

Your dog's a bloodhound.

Who said so?

You did.

No, I didn't.

You mean the
bloodhound isn't yours?

No, I was just minding
him for Mrs. Barrett

while she was away
visiting her sister.

Well, come on, open the door.

Joe, about that statue,

we better have it made soon,
because after the contest,

nobody around here's gonna
remember what you look like.

Here's the official
list of obedience tests

as laid down by the
County Kennel Club.

First is heeling.

"The master gives the
command 'heel, ' then walks,

"and the dog walks
obediently by his side.

You start from a
sitting position."

Me or him?

Him, I guess.

Now, let's-let's try it.

Okay. Come on, boy.

Heel.

Don't you understand
common English?

When she says "heel,"
you're supposed to walk.

W-A-L-K.

Right.

Heel.

For crying out loud,
what are you trying to do,

get me run out of town?

You ain't supposed to sit.

Well, if he's so
good at sitting,

why don't we try the next test.

All right. Sit and stay.

Now, pay attention.

On the command "sit," you sit.

On the command "stay,"
Betty will walk away,

and you stay where you
are until she says "come."

You got it?

(barks)

Good.

Sit.

Stay.

I think somebody in
Crabwell Corners got to him.

(growling)

Look, you untalented
dust mop, I'm gonna...

Stop hollering at him.

He's doing the best he can.

Well, his best
ain't good enough.

Uncle Joe, a dog
is man's best friend,

but you're not
making it easy for him

to be buddies with you.

If he knew he
couldn't do this stuff,

he shouldn't have
bet the cannon.

You bet the cannon!

On his say so.

Look, Betty Jo's gonna
work the dog, right?

Why doesn't she train him?

Kate, my whole future in
Hooterville depends on him.

Well, then she certainly
should train him.

Come on.

Heel.

(sneezes)

Heel.

(applause)

Good boy.

(clears throat)

The Hooterville dog.

Heel.

(cheering, applause)

Hey, he did that pretty good.

Real good.

Yeah, due to my dog
training know-how.

Crabwell Corners dog.

♪ ♪

The score is, uh, 96 points

for the Hooterville
dog... (applause)

and 98.5 points for
Crabwell Corners' dog.

(crowd groaning)

Well, I'll tow the cannon
back to Crabwell Corners

with our fire engine.

Wait a second.

There's one more event.

If we win that, we
win the contest.

You don't really expect
your dog to jump that,

do you?

Uncle Joe, no
matter where you go,

I want you to promise
to keep in touch.

Kate... KATE: Poor little dog.

I wonder what he's thinking.

Holy smoke.

Are they kidding?

Those, uh, pure breeds

are pretty high-strung.

Maybe I can make him nervous.

You, uh, planning
on jumping that?

(German accent): Ja, of course.

They got a good vet
over at Crabwell Corners?

Are you trying to
tell me something?

Too bad about old Rex.

Who is Rex?

He used to be a Great Dane,

before he tried
jumping a barrier.

What do you mean, used to be?

I'd rather not say.

Ja... (speaks German)

Where's my dog?

Here, Champ.

And now for the final event,

in which each dog will
jump the six-foot barrier.

Uh, get your dogs ready.

Here, Champ. Here, Champ.

What's the matter?

My dog's disappeared.

He chickened out.

Well, according to
County Kennel Club rules,

if a dog fails to
appear for an event,

he's disqualified.

I guess the Hooterville dog
wins the contest by default.

Hooray! (giggles)

Welcome home, Uncle Joe.

Doggone it, Joe, we won
ourselves a fire engine.

It's all yours.

Just be sure and keep
up the monthly payments.

Monthly payments?

Hey!

Well, you almost won
yourself a fire engine.

We still got our cannon.

We almost didn't.

He never could've
jumped that barrier.

CHAMP: You little rat!

You conned me into losing!

Mom, did you see that?!

Well, yes I did,
but I don't believe it.

Somebody ought to tell him

the police dog isn't
chasing him anymore.

♪ ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.