Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 24 - The Shady Rest Hotel Corporation - full transcript
The Shady Rest needs to raise money to replace the water heater, and Uncle Joe knows a way to do it.
When the hotel's in need
of a new water heater,
Uncle Joe decides
it's time to go public,
offering stock in the company.
Byron Foulger, who appeared
in the last two seasons
of Petticoat Junction
as Cannonball
engineer Wendell Gibbs,
plays his original recurring
role of Mr. Guerney.
Also featured is veteran
character actor Al Eben,
whose impressive career
spanned from Citizen Kane in 1941
to Corky Romano in 2001.
Okay, let the
meeting come to order
for "The Shady Rest
Hotel Corporation."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
Excuse me. What are you doing?
Mom told us to clear the table.
I'm trying to finish
the financial news.
And my pie. Give me that.
What's new on Wall
Street, Uncle Joe?
Well, there's a...
Who took my coffee?
I did.
Well, for cryin' out loud.
Well, you just said you
wanted to finish your pie.
And my coffee.
How about the
rest of the dishes?
We're trying to get them
away from Uncle Joe.
Can't a fella relax,
eat a hunk of pie,
drink his coffee and
catch up on Wall Street?
The Wall Street Advisor.
Where'd you get that?
A shoe salesman
left it at the check-out.
Kate, there's a stock in here
that's a gold mine
for moneymaking.
Gold mine?
Whoops.
May I remind you, Uncle Joe,
that I still have 30 shares
of Aztec gold mine stock
you touted me on.
Nothing wrong with that stock.
The mine was full of gold.
There just weren't
any Aztecs to get it out.
Kate, you should've
made a killing on that stock.
I should've, but I
couldn't find you.
Dishes?
KATE: Don't forget
the tablecloth.
(hissing and gurgling)
There's no hot water.
Good. Now we can
do the dishes tomorrow.
Come back here.
What's wrong with the hot water?
Nothing.
Billie Jo is probably
taking a bath.
(knocking)
Please!
It's only me, your mother.
Do you mind telling me why
you're using all the hot water
for a bath when we
need it for the dishes?
I've got a date.
Oh.
Well, don't use any more,
and don't get any on the floor.
Yes, ma'am.
(mocking tone): Yes, ma'am.
(barking)
Ma!
What's the matter?!
Would you mind getting him out?
(muttering): Oh, for
goodness... Out. Out.
Haven't you started
the dishes yet?
No, there's still
no hot water, Mom.
Betty Jo went up to tell you.
No, Mom is not here.
Have you turned
off the hot water yet?
May I please take
my bath in privacy?
(haughty tone): I beg
your pardon, Cleopatra.
Betty Jo!
(sighing): What?
Do you mind taking him out?
He's just waiting
for the bathtub.
It's his turn next.
Out!
Out.
Betty Jo, Mom's
been looking for you.
Well, I've been looking for her.
Well, there's
still no hot water.
I can't understand that.
Would you mind leaving?
Oh, are you still here?
Beat it!
And close the door!
Uncle Joe, did you find out
why the water
heater doesn't work?
JOE: Yeah, it sprung a leak.
(sloshing footsteps)
I'm coming up!
(sloshing footsteps)
Coming up? Sounds
more like he's surfacing.
Don't nobody go down
there without water wings.
Oh, it isn't that deep.
It was deeper.
It's seeping out through
a crack in the foundation.
Meanwhile, I
sandbagged the generator.
Give me a hand with
these boots, will ya, Betty?
Couldn't you fix the heater?
Not without one of them
underwater breathing
apparatuses.
Hey, it's got hot water in it.
Maybe we can use
it to wash the dishes.
The heater's a total loss.
We're going to have
to get a new one.
I don't have the
money to buy one.
That's no problem.
We'll issue stock.
Stock?
The Shady Rest
Hotel Corporation.
Not all of that water
seeped into your boots.
Some of it got to your brain.
Hey, where's that
shoe salesman's paper?
The what?
The Wall Street Advisor.
Oh, here.
Kate, look at this.
"Trans-International Hotel
chain issues $32 million in stock
for a modernization program."
$32 million?
(whistles)
Sounds like a nice program.
What time is it on?
Kate, when a big
company wants money,
the president don't just reach
into his Christmas Club savings.
He calls up a printer and
has him print stock and sell it,
then he takes the
money and uses it.
When the stockholders wonder
what happened to their money,
he issues an annual statement.
Oh, that's the way it works.
Yeah.
So you'll get Sam to print
some Shady Rest Hotel
Corporation stock and sell it.
Is that legal?
Course it's legal.
He's a notary
"republic," ain't he?
You know, Uncle
Joe, there must be
a more complicated
way to get the money
to buy that water heater.
This is the only one I know of.
Say, didn't Mr. Drucker
give you some kind
of guarantee when
you bought the heater?
Of course.
Here it is.
They don't guarantee
them heaters
for more than 90
days or three months...
Whichever comes first.
This happens to be
a lifetime guarantee.
Lifetime guarantee, huh?
Mm-hmm. That's what you gave me
when I bought the
heater from you.
When was that?
It says right there... 1945.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the company went
out of business in 1946.
Didn't have much
of a lifetime, did it?
(chuckles)
Well, there's nothing
to worry about, Kate.
Now I sold you the
heater, I'll make good on it.
Oh, no, I couldn't
let you do that, Sam.
Well, I'd like to be able
to do something for you.
Suppose I sold you
a heater at cost?
Well... The salesman
left me a catalog
on a new line of
hot water heaters
that are supposed
to be pretty good.
Uh, here we are.
"The Orbit."
"Super-hot hot water heater.
Lined with umbrelium."
How much is it?
That's the "new wonder metal
"tested under actual
launching conditions
"in the Atlas Missile...
Motel at Cape Kennedy."
How much is it?
"The Orbit features an
automatic jet afterburner,
"an automatic space pilot light
"and it's decorated
in the official colors
of the National
Aeronautical Space Agency."
Well, if it doesn't
make hot water,
we can always launch it.
How much is it?
I suppose you'd want
the stripped-down model
without the Polaris drip pan.
Yeah, I suppose. How much is it?
Are you going to keep it in the
cellar? Mm-hmm. How much is it?
Then I guess you wouldn't
want the decorative nose cone?
No. How much is it
without all the doodads?
Well, it retails for $102.50,
but I could let you have
it for the wholesale price
of, uh... $97.50.
$97.50?
Forget it, Sam.
Well, how are you
going to run the hotel
without a hot water heater?
The same way I ran it
before I got a hot water heater.
Tell Mr. Osgood
he can start rinsing.
Tell Mr. Osgood
he can rinse now.
Tell Mr. Osgood
he can start rinsing.
Tell Mr. Osgood
he can start rinsing.
Here's your rinse
water, Mr. Osgood.
(screaming)
We don't need no hot water.
Bring a jar of soothing salve.
Uh... what was
the last thing I said?
"Uh..."
Don't put that down.
That's just to clear my mind.
Sorry.
Uh...
Uncle Joe, I've got
to do my homework.
Then do it.
Kate, this is important.
Not as important
as her homework.
Did Mr. Osgood check out?
Without paying.
That's what I figured.
Sorehead.
That's not the only
place he was sore.
Well, I'll be back at 5:30.
Where you going?
Where do I usually
go when I wear this?
Pixley Bank? Mm-hmm.
Sure, that's Mom's
everything's-fine-at-the-hotel-
but-I-need-a-little-money-
to-tide-me-over hat.
Kate, you don't need to
borrow money from Guerney.
Somebody giving away hot
water heaters for nothing?
Read the prospectus.
Prospectus?
Yeah, it's to whet
people's financial appetites
for the Shady Rest
Hotel Corporation stock.
Uncle Joe, we are not selling stock
in this... Listen to the prospectus.
But there is not point in
my... Read what I dictated.
Just the way you said it? Yeah.
"Uh..."
No, skip that and
get to the meat of it.
"Your attention is called
to a fiduciary investment
"that has just opened its doors
to a handpicked group
of small investors."
Uncle Joe, um, uh, the
train will be here any minute.
The dog will let you know
when the train's coming.
(yawning)
If you don't put
him to sleep first.
Go on, Billie.
"Nestled among
the whispering pines
overlooking the futile
Hooterville valley..."
"Futile?"
I think Uncle Joe
meant "fertile."
That's what I said.
What you said was, "Uh..."
Was that the train?
"stands the age-old
Shady Rest Hotel
"waiting to be invested in.
"The fiscal status of
the erstwhile said hotel
"can be examined at your leisure
on the hook hanging behind
the modern registration desk."
You know, this is
going to be the first time
I've ever gotten sick
before I got on the train.
(barking)
Bye.
Bye.
Isn't that a new
hat, Mrs. Bradley?
Oh, no. Don't you remember?
I wore it for my
second mortgage.
Now about the
loan for the heater.
Uh, Mrs. Bradley,
you know, in addition
to that second mortgage,
we also hold the first
mortgage on your hotel.
Plus two short-term loans
and one long-term loan.
Oh, I thought I had
four short-term loans.
No, the last time you were in,
we converted two of
those short-term loans
into one long-term loan.
Yeah, we did.
Um, uh, why couldn't we
convert two of the short-term loans
into a home improvement loan?
I'm afraid not.
I have a responsibility
to my depositors.
But of course, if you
had some collateral...
I've got the hotel.
We have the hotel.
I got 30 shares of
Aztec gold mining.
30 shares... Oh, Mrs. Bradley,
about all that's good for
is lining kitchen shelves.
It's not bad for lining
stocking drawers, either.
Well... I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley.
Yes, Mr. Guerney?
Uh, take a calendar.
Thank you.
I'll, um, I'll think
of you every day.
Stock in the Shady Rest?!
Yeah.
Uh, does Kate know
you're doing this?
Well, there's no point in
discussing this with Kate.
It's way over her
head financially.
Joe, if Kate needs money
for a new hot water heater,
we'll lend it to her.
She wouldn't take it.
Why not?
If someone tried to lend
me money, I'd take it.
You don't come from the long
line of proud flesh she does.
If we bought stock, she would.
Of course. That's business.
Okay, we'll take one hot
water heater's worth of stock.
How much is the heater?
$97.50.
Let's see, that's,
uh, $33 a share,
including my broker's fees.
Why should you get a fee?
Did you ever hear of the
Securities Exchange Commission?
Yeah. Well, we're
exchanging securities.
And I'm entitled
to a commission.
You can make out your checks
or cash, as the case may be,
I'll issue the certificates.
FLOYD: One share of
Shady Rest Hotel Corporation.
I guess this makes
me a sharecropper.
Shareholder.
Yeah.
Hey, Joe, what's this Aztec
Mining Company you crossed out?
Where's the money?
The shareholders are
gonna buy Kate the heater
and ship it to her direct.
Don't you trust me?
No. No. No.
Shareholders have spoken.
Meeting adjourned.
Mom, Mom, the new
hot water heater's here.
What new hot water heater?
Well, Charley and
Floyd and Mr. Drucker
are unloading it from the train.
What?! Go see for yourself.
JOE: That's it.
CHARLEY: Sure is heavy.
Yeah.
How would you know, Joe?
You ain't touched
a finger to it.
I'm carrying the instructions.
What is that doing here?
It's yours, Kate.
Sam, I told you I
couldn't afford it.
Well, maybe you couldn't,
but the corporation can.
Oh, well, in that...
Corporation?
Come on, fellas, let's
get the heater up the hill.
Uncle Joe...
Kate, I only sold three shares,
to Sam, Charley and Floyd.
We got certificates.
"The Shady Rest..."
Well, these are...
Uncle Joe, have you been
in my stocking drawer?
I didn't touch the stockings.
Fellas, I know what
you're trying to do,
and I appreciate it,
but I can't let you do it.
Now, Kate, as stockholders,
we insist that the hotel have
all the modern conveniences
to protect our investment.
Ain't that true,
fellow stockholders?
That's right. Yep.
Take it back, take it back.
Kate, the stockholders
have spoke.
Well, if that's the
way you want it,
it's all right with me.
See?
I told you this is the only way
you could do business with Kate.
Mom! Mom! What's the matter?
Oh, the bathroom
sink is leaking!
Mom!
Can't a fella take a snooze
without you kids hollering?
The sink is leaking!
Mom! Mom!
Mom!
I'm out here.
Mom, the bathroom
sink is leaking.
That's a shame.
Well, what should we do?
I don't know.
JOE: Kate! Kate!
Oh!
Watch it, the sink's leaking.
Kate... I heard.
I think the new hot water
heater melted the pipes.
Do you know how much fan mail
Rock Hudson gets every week?
What are we gonna do about it?
I don't know.
But he gets more
fan mail than...
Kate, the upstairs
hallway's floating downstairs.
It's not my problem.
I don't own the hotel.
What?!
You sold three shares
of stock; that's all there is.
So Sam, Floyd and Charley
own control and interest.
Take it up with them.
But, uh... The former
owner has spoke.
Why do we have to fix it?
You're shareholders; you got
to share the good with the bad.
Well, I own stock in one of
them automobile companies.
When something
goes wrong with a car,
I don't have to leave my store
and go all the way
to Detroit to fix it.
Give me a wrench.
Wrench.
Wrench.
Wrench.
Hey, Charley, shouldn't we
ought to be wearing rubber gloves?
What for?
Well, that's what
they always do on TV
when they say, "Wrench,
wrench, wrench."
There, I think it's fixed.
Well, let's see.
Working fine, Sam.
Oh, you know.
Oh, I don't own
the hotel anymore.
You don't? No.
These gentlemen do.
Sam, Mr. Parker's
bed isn't made.
You know, you ought to
take better care of your guests.
Oh, Kate!
And when you make up my room,
would you mind carpet
sweeping real good?
It's kind of dusty. Look...
And, uh, by the way, what
are you serving for lunch?
I got to get back to my store.
We got to get back to the train.
Hey, watch it!
Well, I got to
tuck in the blanket!
Well, can't you tuck it
without untucking me?!
No. It ain't big enough
for the both of us.
Joe!
Yeah?
Aren't there any
bigger blankets?
I guess so.
Fellers, if we own this hotel,
how come we're
working and Joe ain't?
Yeah, how come?
Yeah, how come?
How come, Joe?
Because I ain't a stockholder.
You ain't a guest, either.
Just what do you do around here?
That's none of your business.
It is so. We own this hotel.
Well, you don't really own it.
Oh, you mean that stock
you sold us is phony?
Well...
Selling phony stock
is a big jail offense.
Oh, it ain't really phony.
Then we own the hotel.
Now, just what do
you do around here?
Uh... That ain't enough.
Us stockholders ain't gonna
put up with no deadheads.
If you want your room and board,
you're gonna
have to work for it.
It ain't bad owning a hotel.
I'm glad you like it.
How about some coffee, Kate?
I'd love some.
Boy!
Yeah?
He ain't no boy.
Kate... Mrs. Bradley.
Yeah.
Address the guests
by their proper name.
Now, look here, Charley.
Mr. Pratt.
Get us some coffee, Joe.
And don't spill it on our rug.
It's tough getting
good help these days.
I imagine.
♪ ♪
Anyone want some more milk?
Oh, sit down, Betty Jo.
Waiter!
Yeah?
Miss Betty Jo Bradley
wants a glass of milk.
Miss Betty Jo Bradley
can just get her own milk.
Are you leaving?
You're darn tootin' I am.
Make your bed 'fore you go.
Kate...
It was your idea to sell
the stock, Uncle Joe.
(dog barking)
Who's that?
Anybody home?
Oh, Mr. Guerney, come on in.
CHARLEY: Hi.
Well, good evening, everybody.
(chuckles) Hello.
Would you like some coffee?
Boy... I don't work
here anymore.
I'll get some coffee
for you, Mr. Guerney.
Oh, no, no thank you.
I just dropped by to bring
your mother some good news.
You know that Aztec
gold mining stock?
Well, I've checked it out.
It's come to life again.
Oh, you mean they
discovered gold?
No, uranium. Uranium...
Kate, I told you that
was a good investment.
Yes, and if you want to sell it,
you can make
a tidy little profit.
I already sold it.
No you haven't.
That was Shady Rest
Hotel Corporation stock.
You can rub that out
in favor of Aztec Mining.
Yes, we could if
we had the stock.
But you sold it to
Floyd, Sam and Charley.
Well, they'll give
it back, won't you?
Sure we will.
KATE: I still owe you for
the hot water heater, Sam.
You can pay him back with what
you get from your Aztec uranium.
No, no, no.
I like not owning a hotel.
No worries.
And it gives me a chance
to catch up on Rock Hudson.
Kate, you got to!
You got to, Kate.
I'm wore to a frizzle.
Well, Uncle Joe, I'm
sorry if you're tired,
but this whole
thing was your idea.
Uh... Here you are, Kate.
Here's mine.
Where's yours, Floyd?
Home, lining my stocking drawer.
I can get it later.
Well, Mrs. Bradley,
this has turned out
to be quite a profitable
evening for you.
Good night. Good night.
Thank you,
Mr. Guerney. (chuckles)
Well, Mom, how does it
feel to own the hotel again?
Not so bad.
Especially now that
the sink doesn't leak
and we have a brand-new
hot water heater.
Well, now what's
wrong with the lights?
It's the generator.
Needs a new "amateur."
How much does that cost?
Oh, around $40.
Gentlemen, how would
you like to buy some shares
in a little hotel nestled
among the whispering pines,
overlooking the "futile"
Hooterville valley?
Good night, Kate.
Good night, Kate.
Night.
$40, huh?
Oh, them lights
ain't no problem.
We can get a big sign made,
spelling "Shady
Rest Hotel" in bulbs.
We'll plug it in so it'll go off
and on with the generator.
That's what all the big
hotels do, especially...
Boy... Kerosene
lamps for everybody.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
of a new water heater,
Uncle Joe decides
it's time to go public,
offering stock in the company.
Byron Foulger, who appeared
in the last two seasons
of Petticoat Junction
as Cannonball
engineer Wendell Gibbs,
plays his original recurring
role of Mr. Guerney.
Also featured is veteran
character actor Al Eben,
whose impressive career
spanned from Citizen Kane in 1941
to Corky Romano in 2001.
Okay, let the
meeting come to order
for "The Shady Rest
Hotel Corporation."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
Excuse me. What are you doing?
Mom told us to clear the table.
I'm trying to finish
the financial news.
And my pie. Give me that.
What's new on Wall
Street, Uncle Joe?
Well, there's a...
Who took my coffee?
I did.
Well, for cryin' out loud.
Well, you just said you
wanted to finish your pie.
And my coffee.
How about the
rest of the dishes?
We're trying to get them
away from Uncle Joe.
Can't a fella relax,
eat a hunk of pie,
drink his coffee and
catch up on Wall Street?
The Wall Street Advisor.
Where'd you get that?
A shoe salesman
left it at the check-out.
Kate, there's a stock in here
that's a gold mine
for moneymaking.
Gold mine?
Whoops.
May I remind you, Uncle Joe,
that I still have 30 shares
of Aztec gold mine stock
you touted me on.
Nothing wrong with that stock.
The mine was full of gold.
There just weren't
any Aztecs to get it out.
Kate, you should've
made a killing on that stock.
I should've, but I
couldn't find you.
Dishes?
KATE: Don't forget
the tablecloth.
(hissing and gurgling)
There's no hot water.
Good. Now we can
do the dishes tomorrow.
Come back here.
What's wrong with the hot water?
Nothing.
Billie Jo is probably
taking a bath.
(knocking)
Please!
It's only me, your mother.
Do you mind telling me why
you're using all the hot water
for a bath when we
need it for the dishes?
I've got a date.
Oh.
Well, don't use any more,
and don't get any on the floor.
Yes, ma'am.
(mocking tone): Yes, ma'am.
(barking)
Ma!
What's the matter?!
Would you mind getting him out?
(muttering): Oh, for
goodness... Out. Out.
Haven't you started
the dishes yet?
No, there's still
no hot water, Mom.
Betty Jo went up to tell you.
No, Mom is not here.
Have you turned
off the hot water yet?
May I please take
my bath in privacy?
(haughty tone): I beg
your pardon, Cleopatra.
Betty Jo!
(sighing): What?
Do you mind taking him out?
He's just waiting
for the bathtub.
It's his turn next.
Out!
Out.
Betty Jo, Mom's
been looking for you.
Well, I've been looking for her.
Well, there's
still no hot water.
I can't understand that.
Would you mind leaving?
Oh, are you still here?
Beat it!
And close the door!
Uncle Joe, did you find out
why the water
heater doesn't work?
JOE: Yeah, it sprung a leak.
(sloshing footsteps)
I'm coming up!
(sloshing footsteps)
Coming up? Sounds
more like he's surfacing.
Don't nobody go down
there without water wings.
Oh, it isn't that deep.
It was deeper.
It's seeping out through
a crack in the foundation.
Meanwhile, I
sandbagged the generator.
Give me a hand with
these boots, will ya, Betty?
Couldn't you fix the heater?
Not without one of them
underwater breathing
apparatuses.
Hey, it's got hot water in it.
Maybe we can use
it to wash the dishes.
The heater's a total loss.
We're going to have
to get a new one.
I don't have the
money to buy one.
That's no problem.
We'll issue stock.
Stock?
The Shady Rest
Hotel Corporation.
Not all of that water
seeped into your boots.
Some of it got to your brain.
Hey, where's that
shoe salesman's paper?
The what?
The Wall Street Advisor.
Oh, here.
Kate, look at this.
"Trans-International Hotel
chain issues $32 million in stock
for a modernization program."
$32 million?
(whistles)
Sounds like a nice program.
What time is it on?
Kate, when a big
company wants money,
the president don't just reach
into his Christmas Club savings.
He calls up a printer and
has him print stock and sell it,
then he takes the
money and uses it.
When the stockholders wonder
what happened to their money,
he issues an annual statement.
Oh, that's the way it works.
Yeah.
So you'll get Sam to print
some Shady Rest Hotel
Corporation stock and sell it.
Is that legal?
Course it's legal.
He's a notary
"republic," ain't he?
You know, Uncle
Joe, there must be
a more complicated
way to get the money
to buy that water heater.
This is the only one I know of.
Say, didn't Mr. Drucker
give you some kind
of guarantee when
you bought the heater?
Of course.
Here it is.
They don't guarantee
them heaters
for more than 90
days or three months...
Whichever comes first.
This happens to be
a lifetime guarantee.
Lifetime guarantee, huh?
Mm-hmm. That's what you gave me
when I bought the
heater from you.
When was that?
It says right there... 1945.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the company went
out of business in 1946.
Didn't have much
of a lifetime, did it?
(chuckles)
Well, there's nothing
to worry about, Kate.
Now I sold you the
heater, I'll make good on it.
Oh, no, I couldn't
let you do that, Sam.
Well, I'd like to be able
to do something for you.
Suppose I sold you
a heater at cost?
Well... The salesman
left me a catalog
on a new line of
hot water heaters
that are supposed
to be pretty good.
Uh, here we are.
"The Orbit."
"Super-hot hot water heater.
Lined with umbrelium."
How much is it?
That's the "new wonder metal
"tested under actual
launching conditions
"in the Atlas Missile...
Motel at Cape Kennedy."
How much is it?
"The Orbit features an
automatic jet afterburner,
"an automatic space pilot light
"and it's decorated
in the official colors
of the National
Aeronautical Space Agency."
Well, if it doesn't
make hot water,
we can always launch it.
How much is it?
I suppose you'd want
the stripped-down model
without the Polaris drip pan.
Yeah, I suppose. How much is it?
Are you going to keep it in the
cellar? Mm-hmm. How much is it?
Then I guess you wouldn't
want the decorative nose cone?
No. How much is it
without all the doodads?
Well, it retails for $102.50,
but I could let you have
it for the wholesale price
of, uh... $97.50.
$97.50?
Forget it, Sam.
Well, how are you
going to run the hotel
without a hot water heater?
The same way I ran it
before I got a hot water heater.
Tell Mr. Osgood
he can start rinsing.
Tell Mr. Osgood
he can rinse now.
Tell Mr. Osgood
he can start rinsing.
Tell Mr. Osgood
he can start rinsing.
Here's your rinse
water, Mr. Osgood.
(screaming)
We don't need no hot water.
Bring a jar of soothing salve.
Uh... what was
the last thing I said?
"Uh..."
Don't put that down.
That's just to clear my mind.
Sorry.
Uh...
Uncle Joe, I've got
to do my homework.
Then do it.
Kate, this is important.
Not as important
as her homework.
Did Mr. Osgood check out?
Without paying.
That's what I figured.
Sorehead.
That's not the only
place he was sore.
Well, I'll be back at 5:30.
Where you going?
Where do I usually
go when I wear this?
Pixley Bank? Mm-hmm.
Sure, that's Mom's
everything's-fine-at-the-hotel-
but-I-need-a-little-money-
to-tide-me-over hat.
Kate, you don't need to
borrow money from Guerney.
Somebody giving away hot
water heaters for nothing?
Read the prospectus.
Prospectus?
Yeah, it's to whet
people's financial appetites
for the Shady Rest
Hotel Corporation stock.
Uncle Joe, we are not selling stock
in this... Listen to the prospectus.
But there is not point in
my... Read what I dictated.
Just the way you said it? Yeah.
"Uh..."
No, skip that and
get to the meat of it.
"Your attention is called
to a fiduciary investment
"that has just opened its doors
to a handpicked group
of small investors."
Uncle Joe, um, uh, the
train will be here any minute.
The dog will let you know
when the train's coming.
(yawning)
If you don't put
him to sleep first.
Go on, Billie.
"Nestled among
the whispering pines
overlooking the futile
Hooterville valley..."
"Futile?"
I think Uncle Joe
meant "fertile."
That's what I said.
What you said was, "Uh..."
Was that the train?
"stands the age-old
Shady Rest Hotel
"waiting to be invested in.
"The fiscal status of
the erstwhile said hotel
"can be examined at your leisure
on the hook hanging behind
the modern registration desk."
You know, this is
going to be the first time
I've ever gotten sick
before I got on the train.
(barking)
Bye.
Bye.
Isn't that a new
hat, Mrs. Bradley?
Oh, no. Don't you remember?
I wore it for my
second mortgage.
Now about the
loan for the heater.
Uh, Mrs. Bradley,
you know, in addition
to that second mortgage,
we also hold the first
mortgage on your hotel.
Plus two short-term loans
and one long-term loan.
Oh, I thought I had
four short-term loans.
No, the last time you were in,
we converted two of
those short-term loans
into one long-term loan.
Yeah, we did.
Um, uh, why couldn't we
convert two of the short-term loans
into a home improvement loan?
I'm afraid not.
I have a responsibility
to my depositors.
But of course, if you
had some collateral...
I've got the hotel.
We have the hotel.
I got 30 shares of
Aztec gold mining.
30 shares... Oh, Mrs. Bradley,
about all that's good for
is lining kitchen shelves.
It's not bad for lining
stocking drawers, either.
Well... I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley.
Yes, Mr. Guerney?
Uh, take a calendar.
Thank you.
I'll, um, I'll think
of you every day.
Stock in the Shady Rest?!
Yeah.
Uh, does Kate know
you're doing this?
Well, there's no point in
discussing this with Kate.
It's way over her
head financially.
Joe, if Kate needs money
for a new hot water heater,
we'll lend it to her.
She wouldn't take it.
Why not?
If someone tried to lend
me money, I'd take it.
You don't come from the long
line of proud flesh she does.
If we bought stock, she would.
Of course. That's business.
Okay, we'll take one hot
water heater's worth of stock.
How much is the heater?
$97.50.
Let's see, that's,
uh, $33 a share,
including my broker's fees.
Why should you get a fee?
Did you ever hear of the
Securities Exchange Commission?
Yeah. Well, we're
exchanging securities.
And I'm entitled
to a commission.
You can make out your checks
or cash, as the case may be,
I'll issue the certificates.
FLOYD: One share of
Shady Rest Hotel Corporation.
I guess this makes
me a sharecropper.
Shareholder.
Yeah.
Hey, Joe, what's this Aztec
Mining Company you crossed out?
Where's the money?
The shareholders are
gonna buy Kate the heater
and ship it to her direct.
Don't you trust me?
No. No. No.
Shareholders have spoken.
Meeting adjourned.
Mom, Mom, the new
hot water heater's here.
What new hot water heater?
Well, Charley and
Floyd and Mr. Drucker
are unloading it from the train.
What?! Go see for yourself.
JOE: That's it.
CHARLEY: Sure is heavy.
Yeah.
How would you know, Joe?
You ain't touched
a finger to it.
I'm carrying the instructions.
What is that doing here?
It's yours, Kate.
Sam, I told you I
couldn't afford it.
Well, maybe you couldn't,
but the corporation can.
Oh, well, in that...
Corporation?
Come on, fellas, let's
get the heater up the hill.
Uncle Joe...
Kate, I only sold three shares,
to Sam, Charley and Floyd.
We got certificates.
"The Shady Rest..."
Well, these are...
Uncle Joe, have you been
in my stocking drawer?
I didn't touch the stockings.
Fellas, I know what
you're trying to do,
and I appreciate it,
but I can't let you do it.
Now, Kate, as stockholders,
we insist that the hotel have
all the modern conveniences
to protect our investment.
Ain't that true,
fellow stockholders?
That's right. Yep.
Take it back, take it back.
Kate, the stockholders
have spoke.
Well, if that's the
way you want it,
it's all right with me.
See?
I told you this is the only way
you could do business with Kate.
Mom! Mom! What's the matter?
Oh, the bathroom
sink is leaking!
Mom!
Can't a fella take a snooze
without you kids hollering?
The sink is leaking!
Mom! Mom!
Mom!
I'm out here.
Mom, the bathroom
sink is leaking.
That's a shame.
Well, what should we do?
I don't know.
JOE: Kate! Kate!
Oh!
Watch it, the sink's leaking.
Kate... I heard.
I think the new hot water
heater melted the pipes.
Do you know how much fan mail
Rock Hudson gets every week?
What are we gonna do about it?
I don't know.
But he gets more
fan mail than...
Kate, the upstairs
hallway's floating downstairs.
It's not my problem.
I don't own the hotel.
What?!
You sold three shares
of stock; that's all there is.
So Sam, Floyd and Charley
own control and interest.
Take it up with them.
But, uh... The former
owner has spoke.
Why do we have to fix it?
You're shareholders; you got
to share the good with the bad.
Well, I own stock in one of
them automobile companies.
When something
goes wrong with a car,
I don't have to leave my store
and go all the way
to Detroit to fix it.
Give me a wrench.
Wrench.
Wrench.
Wrench.
Hey, Charley, shouldn't we
ought to be wearing rubber gloves?
What for?
Well, that's what
they always do on TV
when they say, "Wrench,
wrench, wrench."
There, I think it's fixed.
Well, let's see.
Working fine, Sam.
Oh, you know.
Oh, I don't own
the hotel anymore.
You don't? No.
These gentlemen do.
Sam, Mr. Parker's
bed isn't made.
You know, you ought to
take better care of your guests.
Oh, Kate!
And when you make up my room,
would you mind carpet
sweeping real good?
It's kind of dusty. Look...
And, uh, by the way, what
are you serving for lunch?
I got to get back to my store.
We got to get back to the train.
Hey, watch it!
Well, I got to
tuck in the blanket!
Well, can't you tuck it
without untucking me?!
No. It ain't big enough
for the both of us.
Joe!
Yeah?
Aren't there any
bigger blankets?
I guess so.
Fellers, if we own this hotel,
how come we're
working and Joe ain't?
Yeah, how come?
Yeah, how come?
How come, Joe?
Because I ain't a stockholder.
You ain't a guest, either.
Just what do you do around here?
That's none of your business.
It is so. We own this hotel.
Well, you don't really own it.
Oh, you mean that stock
you sold us is phony?
Well...
Selling phony stock
is a big jail offense.
Oh, it ain't really phony.
Then we own the hotel.
Now, just what do
you do around here?
Uh... That ain't enough.
Us stockholders ain't gonna
put up with no deadheads.
If you want your room and board,
you're gonna
have to work for it.
It ain't bad owning a hotel.
I'm glad you like it.
How about some coffee, Kate?
I'd love some.
Boy!
Yeah?
He ain't no boy.
Kate... Mrs. Bradley.
Yeah.
Address the guests
by their proper name.
Now, look here, Charley.
Mr. Pratt.
Get us some coffee, Joe.
And don't spill it on our rug.
It's tough getting
good help these days.
I imagine.
♪ ♪
Anyone want some more milk?
Oh, sit down, Betty Jo.
Waiter!
Yeah?
Miss Betty Jo Bradley
wants a glass of milk.
Miss Betty Jo Bradley
can just get her own milk.
Are you leaving?
You're darn tootin' I am.
Make your bed 'fore you go.
Kate...
It was your idea to sell
the stock, Uncle Joe.
(dog barking)
Who's that?
Anybody home?
Oh, Mr. Guerney, come on in.
CHARLEY: Hi.
Well, good evening, everybody.
(chuckles) Hello.
Would you like some coffee?
Boy... I don't work
here anymore.
I'll get some coffee
for you, Mr. Guerney.
Oh, no, no thank you.
I just dropped by to bring
your mother some good news.
You know that Aztec
gold mining stock?
Well, I've checked it out.
It's come to life again.
Oh, you mean they
discovered gold?
No, uranium. Uranium...
Kate, I told you that
was a good investment.
Yes, and if you want to sell it,
you can make
a tidy little profit.
I already sold it.
No you haven't.
That was Shady Rest
Hotel Corporation stock.
You can rub that out
in favor of Aztec Mining.
Yes, we could if
we had the stock.
But you sold it to
Floyd, Sam and Charley.
Well, they'll give
it back, won't you?
Sure we will.
KATE: I still owe you for
the hot water heater, Sam.
You can pay him back with what
you get from your Aztec uranium.
No, no, no.
I like not owning a hotel.
No worries.
And it gives me a chance
to catch up on Rock Hudson.
Kate, you got to!
You got to, Kate.
I'm wore to a frizzle.
Well, Uncle Joe, I'm
sorry if you're tired,
but this whole
thing was your idea.
Uh... Here you are, Kate.
Here's mine.
Where's yours, Floyd?
Home, lining my stocking drawer.
I can get it later.
Well, Mrs. Bradley,
this has turned out
to be quite a profitable
evening for you.
Good night. Good night.
Thank you,
Mr. Guerney. (chuckles)
Well, Mom, how does it
feel to own the hotel again?
Not so bad.
Especially now that
the sink doesn't leak
and we have a brand-new
hot water heater.
Well, now what's
wrong with the lights?
It's the generator.
Needs a new "amateur."
How much does that cost?
Oh, around $40.
Gentlemen, how would
you like to buy some shares
in a little hotel nestled
among the whispering pines,
overlooking the "futile"
Hooterville valley?
Good night, Kate.
Good night, Kate.
Night.
$40, huh?
Oh, them lights
ain't no problem.
We can get a big sign made,
spelling "Shady
Rest Hotel" in bulbs.
We'll plug it in so it'll go off
and on with the generator.
That's what all the big
hotels do, especially...
Boy... Kerosene
lamps for everybody.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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Filmways Presentation.