Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 22 - Visit from the Governor - full transcript
Uncle Joe's latest scheme involves having the governor visit the Shady Rest for publicity.
Uncle Joe's interest in politics
appears to be on the rise again,
and despite a lack of support
from the rest of the
town folk of Hooterville,
he's planning on playing
host to the top man in the state
in this episode.
Aired March 9, 1965, "A
Visit From the Governor."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
"Government Plans
Glass Roof Tower."
What do they need a
glass roof tower for?
"Governor Plans
Grass Roots Tour."
No fooling?
Where does it say that?
Right there.
Oh, what's he want
to tour the roots for?
I don't know. Read the article.
"In an e-x-c-l-u-s-i..."
"Exclusive," stupid.
"In an exclusive
stupid interview..."
"the governor
stated today that..."
Newt Kiley.
He didn't state nothing
about Newt Kiley.
The paper... Newt Kiley's paper.
Oh.
(man yells in pain)
Hi, Newt.
"The governor stated today
that he would leave
the state cap pistol..."
"Capital."
Yeah, "...early next week to..."
We're coming to
Fred Ziffel's pig farm.
I know. My smeller's
as good as yours is.
(pig grunting)
You hit Arnold
right in the snoot.
Fred ought'nt to send
him down to get the paper.
"The governor
stated today that..."
"he'll leave the
state within a week
for an extended tour of
the state's hinterlands."
Oh, that's nice.
Kate, the
hinterlands... That's us.
It is?
Yeah. There ain't
no land in the state
more hinter than Hooterville.
Oh, there's Crabwell Corners.
Kate, how can you be so calm?
The governor's
gonna pay us a visit.
Well, I'll be very
happy to meet him.
Kate, you don't
just meet governors.
You got to formal reception 'em.
Uncle J... Oh!
I've got to do my cleaning.
Which is more important...
Meeting the
governor or cleaning?
Well, I wouldn't
want him to drop in
and find a dusty lobby.
Who's going to drop in?
The governor.
What governor?
Of the state.
How about that.
How about what?
The governor's
going to visit us.
Oh. Mom, do you want
us to put supper on now?
Yes, would you, please?
You, too.
What's the matter with them?
Didn't they hear what I said
about the governor visiting us?
Remember the time
when you told them
the president was going
to drop in for coffee?
Yeah.
Be sure and clean the carrots.
Maybe you ain't
excited, but I am.
Your move, grandpappy.
Hey?
You got to jump Fred's king!
What?
Jump Fred's king!
No, I don't want
to hear Fred sing.
Oh, I wasn't gonna sing.
Hey, fellas, you
seen the paper?!
Shh.
Well, look, this is important!
So's this. It's a ten cent game.
The governor's coming.
What?
The governor's coming!
I ain't humming.
Fred's singing.
Sam, you know
what's in the paper?
I ought to, I printed it.
Oh, I wouldn't make
that move, Fred.
For cryin' out loud,
how can you sit there
playing checkers with all
the work we've got to do?
What work?
Getting ready to
greet the governor.
We'll be glad to,
soon as we have
coffee with the president.
Ain't I entitled to one mistake?
Not with the president.
Well, I'm not making a
mistake with the governor.
Well, you are if you think
we're gonna stand at attention
in the hot sun for six hours.
Holding coffee cups.
Look, the governor's
coming to Hooterville.
The paper didn't
say that at all.
No, I read that "exclusive
stupid" interview.
Did you read it all?
No, I was too busy throwing
papers out of the cab.
Well, now that reminds me,
watch where you throw 'em,
'cause Arnold's
snoot's all swole up.
Hey?
I say, Arnold's snoot's swole!
Arnold Snootswole? Who's he?
Aw, it's your move.
Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Oh, now what'd you do that for?
So you'll pay some
attention to your civic pride.
It says right here
in this article...
That the governor's
making out his itinerary
and he'd welcome invitations
from any and all remote areas
that he hasn't had
an opportunity to visit.
And that don't mean Hooterville.
We ain't a remote area.
No, we're a hinterland.
Don't you want to
improve ourselves?
All we want is to play
checkers without being bothered
by some windbag.
Now you put them
checkers back like they was.
Fred... Either
that, or your snoot's
gonna be more
swole than Arnold's.
Who's this Arnold Snootswole?
You fellas want the governor
to visit us or don't you?
We don't.
Is that your last word?
No, our last word is get out.
Okay.
Pappy had a king here
and Fred had two
men over here, right?
Read back what I've
dictated to you, Billie Jo.
"Your Excellency,
the Governorship..."
Are you sure that's the way
you address the governor?
That's the way I
addressed the president,
except for the governorship.
All right.
"Dear Excellency, four
score and seven years ago
"your father paid us a visit.
"And since then we haven't
seen much of your family.
And we behoove upon you to..."
Oh, I think we
ought to change that.
"We behoove upon
Your Excellency."
Ooh, that's much better.
What excellency are
you behooving on?
The governor's.
Uncle Joe is sending
him an invitation
from the Hooterville
Chamber of Commerce
to pay us a visit.
Oh, did the chamber meet
and vote to send him a letter?
Well, they didn't
exactly vote to send it.
Oh?
Of course, they
didn't vote not to.
Well, what did they do?
Well, mostly we just sat around
and watched Grandpappy
Miller and Fred play checkers.
Oh, so you're taking it upon
yourself to send the letter?
Kate, somebody has to help
put Hooterville on the map.
Forget the letter.
Hold it.
Kate, as a citizen
and a taxpayer...
As a citizen, yes?
I have a right to
invite the governor
to visit my hinterland.
If the people of Hooterville
are too backward
to realize the
benefit that will occur
from such a visit, it ain't
my fault if they find out.
Did you say benefits?
What benefits?
Kate, you remember
the thousands of people
that flocked into town when
they thought the president
was going to stop
by for a coffee break?
Remember them?
I can still see them chasing
you down Main Street
with a bucket of tar
and a basket of feathers.
Kate, what's ancient is history.
Plain facts are,
when the news gets around
that the governor is here,
the people are going to flock
into town in a buying mood.
Eating ice cream,
swilling soda pop,
waving pennants,
chomping peanuts.
Pennants, aha!
That's the reason
you're so anxious
to have the governor visit us.
Kate, them 5,000
pennants I got stuck with
is purely incidental to my pride
in my civic virtue.
But you were
planning to unload them
if the governor did visit us.
Well, they do fit the occasion.
They say "Hail to the Chief,"
and the governor's the
chief of state, ain't he?
Why don't you invite Geronimo?
He's a chief you
could hail, too.
Kate, we all have to
do our duty as we see it.
Right, and my duty is to see
that you don't send that letter.
Kate... That's my last word.
And you've got to admit,
it's a lot politer than
what Sam must have said.
(excited chattering)
(gavel pounding)
Ladies, please.
Let's come to order.
(clamoring stops)
May I remind you
that this is a meeting
of the Every Other Wednesday
Afternoon Discussion Club,
and not the meeting of The
Fighting and Squabbling Club?
Now the train will be
here in 20 minutes,
and that will give
us just enough time
to hear Selma Plout give
one of her ever-popular
book reviews.
(women groaning)
Wha-what book are
you reviewing, Selma?
The same one I've been trying
to review the last ten meetings.
Dr. Holbein's Vegetable
Gardening on a Budget.
(yawning)
Nobody is interested
in vegetable gardening,
on or off a budget.
Emily, you may not like the
books that Selma reviews,
but the least you can do is
give her the courtesy of listening.
Thank you.
We're waiting, Selma.
SELMA: Vegetable
gardening on a budget...
Selma started her
book review yet?
(barking)
They look thirsty?
(panting)
Well, I guess this is
the critical moment.
Now remember what
you're supposed to do.
(barks)
And don't forget.
As Dr. Holbein so
poetically phrases it...
(yawning) "You can't beat
beets if you want to eat cheap."
To plant beets,
Dr. Holbein suggests...
Excuse me, ladies.
I thought you might
like to wet your whistles
while you're listening to
Selma's dry book report.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, that-that's very
nice of you, Uncle Joe.
My lips are so dry
I can hardly pucker.
Please, I'm not finished.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Uh, ladies, sit
down. (bangs gavel)
Uncle Joe, you're
disrupting the meeting.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, isn't that cute?
Now what's that stupid
animal doing waving a pennant
with "Hail to the Chief," on it?
Yes, what is he doing?
He must be getting ready
to greet our chief executive
of the state, otherwise
known as the governor.
The governor?
KATE: Uncle Joe, please.
I hadn't heard the governor
was going to visit us.
According to the bylaws,
there'll be no souvenirs
sold at the meetings.
Go ahead with your
book report, Selma.
Not until I find out
what this is all about.
You mean, Kate hasn't
brought up the subject
of the reception you ladies
are giving His Excellency?
She certainly didn't.
Well, according
to the newspapers,
the governor's making a tour
of all the outstanding
small towns
which ask him to
stop over for a visit.
Now I was delegated to
write a letter inviting him to...
Uncle Joe, nobody delegated
anybody to write a letter.
Why not?
Because certain
backward elements,
which shall remain Sam Drucker,
ain't interested in
having him visit us.
Sam Drucker isn't
running our town.
I make a motion we
authorize Mr. Carson
to write the letter
to officially invite
the governor to
visit Hooterville.
All in favor, raise their hands.
Uncle Joe, you have
no right to come in here...
Hands win. All except Kate's.
But-but-but he has no
official standing in this group.
He's not a member.
Well, we can take care of that.
All those in favor of making
Mr. Carson a member of
the Ladies Every Other Wednesday
Afternoon Discussion Club,
raise their hands.
Fellow members...
(gavel pounding)
I resign.
Kate, now that the ladies have
okayed me writing the letter,
there's no point in you
showing your sour grapes.
Later, when you're
packing your suitcase
I'll show you bunches of them.
JOE: You're going to
need me more than ever
to handle the arrangements
for the governor
spending the night here.
What was that?
The last paragraph
of this letter
extends a cordial
free invitation
for him to be the guest
of the management
of the Shady Rest.
Aha.
Now this whole thing
is becoming clear
to me, Kate Bradley.
Your reluctance to
mention the governor's visit,
tricking us into
putting Uncle Joe up
for membership of
the club. Tricking you?!
Just so's we'd authorize
him to write a letter
inviting the
governor to stay here
at the Shady Rest.
Selma, I didn't realize
you were going to
make him a member.
Although, I can't imagine
why he'd want to stay here
at this creaky,
old dust catcher.
Just a minute.
Just where do you
suggest he stay?
Why, at my place, of course.
Why, at your place, of course.
Second Mortgage Manor.
Come on. Me and you's got to
air out a few thousand pennants.
(train whistle blows)
Girls, the train's coming.
Let it wait. I've got a
few more insults left.
And then he came in waving
one of those moth-eaten pennants
that Uncle Joe's stuck with.
Hanging your head
won't do any good.
When Uncle Joe
leaves, you go with him.
(whimpers)
I told Uncle Joe
to forget that letter.
And then I found myself
arguing with Selma Plout
about where the
governor was gonna stay.
(girls snicker)
It isn't funny.
Yes, it is, Mom.
It is?
(laughs) Yeah, I guess it is.
Yeah, that old rascal,
he outmaneuvered me.
Okay, Uncle Joe, it's safe
for you to come in now.
Hi, Kate.
Uncle Joe...
Oh, Mom, now don't
you be a sore loser.
Oh, what's the use?
Kate, I just did it for you.
For me or to me?
Kate, you're gonna
be a wealthy woman.
When the word gets around
that the governor slept here,
thousands of people are
gonna break down your doors
fighting to occupy
the same suite
the governor slept in.
What suite?
The old presidential suite.
What old presidential suite?
Room three, right
next to the bathroom.
Oh, let him stay
at Selma Plout's.
Kate, don't you realize
it'll take only one night
out of the governor to put
the Shady Rest on the map?
Whoever heard of the White House
till George
Washington slept there?
We can raise the rates...
Four dollars a night...
Including an authentic
"Hail to the Chief" pennant.
I know, Kate. You're
speechless with gratitude.
"Governor Arrives Today."
(man gasps)
See ya at the Shady Rest, Newt.
"Recessions Skadoodled
at the Shady Rest."
"Reception Scheduled
at the Shady Rest."
Yeah, how about that?
(pig grunts)
Remember, when Fred
punches me in the snoot
for hitting Arnold in
the snoot, you did it.
(whistle blows)
9:00. Haven't you got
them pies baked yet?
I've been up since 5:30.
I got 15 of them to make.
The governor will
be here at 3:00.
Don't worry about me.
Details, details.
I don't know why I let you
talk me into taking charge.
"Talk you into taking charge?"
(march playing)
What is that?
It's the Hooterville
world-renowned
baton-twirling trio. Come on.
("There'll Be a Hot Time in
the Old Town Tonight" plays)
I can't do this.
Me, neither.
Oh, why don't we just keep time?
Okay.
The girls will lead off
in front of the volunteer
fire department's band
and the governor's grand
marshal in the track up to the hotel.
Hold it. (music stops)
Aren't those batons the former
curtain rods from my room?
Kate, I couldn't take 'em
out of the governor's suite.
Put 'em back.
Oh...
Kate, you got to make
a few patriotic sacrifices.
That's politics.
Politics?
Yeah. Who knows?
Someday maybe you'll want
a favor from the governor.
With what's going
through my mind right now,
the only favor I'll want
from him is a pardon.
I don't know how we let
Joe euchre us into this.
Where's the reviewing stand?
That's it.
JOE: Well, put it together.
We don't know how.
The way you did when
the president didn't show up.
What do we need a
reviewing stand for, anyway?
To review the parade.
Well, how are we gonna
do that? We are the parade.
Sometimes I'm sorry I wrote
that letter to the governor.
Who asked you to?
My ladies club.
Look, if you want
to do something...
Which we don't.
Get rid of that lumber
and take that bunting and
decorate the train with it.
The bunting that was supposed
to go on the reviewing stand.
Ain't enough to
cover a whole train.
Well, put it on one side.
Which side?
The side he gets off on.
Details, details.
Ain't ya done yet?
We've been waiting
for you for rehearsal.
You got to learn what to do
when the governor
gets off the train.
I know what to do. I'll
shake hands with him.
No, you're gonna
be a flower girl,
hand him a bouquet of flowers.
I don't have to rehearse that.
Oh, yes, you do.
You gotta know the
exact split second
when to hand him the bouquet.
Okay, now that's where
you'll be when the train
pulls in with the governor.
The flowers are wilting.
Kate. Now, Charley and Floyd
will bring the train to a stop
so that the steps
are about here.
And upon a signal from
me, the band will start playing
the governor's
favorite selection:
"There'll Be a Hot Time
in the Old Town Tonight."
Now, when the
band starts playing,
the drum majorettes
will start twirling.
Joe, I just thought
of something.
How we gonna be playing in
the band when we're supposed
to be bringing the
governor in on the train?
That's an interesting question.
How can they?
I'll figure that out later.
Now when I raise my hand,
I want the music to stop.
Which hand?
What difference does it make?
Well, I don't want to
stop on the wrong hand.
You ain't gonna
be playing anyway.
Oh, did you figure
it out, Uncle Joe?
Okay, now when the
band starts playing,
I want all of you
people to start waving
your "Hail to the
Chief" pennants.
I was wondering when you
were gonna get around to them.
What pennants?
Yeah, nobody's got pennants.
Here you are.
Get your "Hail to
the Chief" pennants.
Genuine "Hail to the Chief"
pennants, only 50 cents!
You can't greet the governor
without an official pennant.
Hold it. Ain't those
the same pennants
that you were stuck
with from your last fiasco?
Oh, yes, aren't they, Uncle Joe?
Look...
I think I ought to put
these flowers in water.
You don't have to buy pennants
if you don't wanna.
We don't wanna.
Besides, you only got a dime
for them for the president.
How come they're half
a buck for the governor?
Lucky His Excellency isn't here
to hear your disrespect.
Okay, now let's get
on with the rehearsal.
The train's in.
Band, start playing.
(playing "There'll Be a Hot
Time in the Old Town Tonight")
(cymbals crash)
(cymbals crash)
(music fades)
(cymbals crash)
Grandpappy!
Now, the governor
will step down the step.
Where-where's the governor?
We ain't picked him up yet.
I mean, the rehearsal governor.
It's you, Sam.
Now, okay, I've stepped down.
All right, Kate.
Hmm? Oh. Uh, Rehearsal Governor,
it gives me great pleasure
to present you with
this feather duster.
Thank you, young lady.
I'll vote for you
again. (snickers)
What's the sense in trying
to do anything official?
Kate, you aren't supposed
to present the governor
with a feather duster until
after my greeting speech.
Oh, why do you have to
make the greeting speech?
I invited you here, didn't I?
Yeah, and I'm beginning
to be sorry I came.
(clears throat)
Fellow Governor... friends...
this is a great day in the...
Joe, you don't have to
give the whole speech.
No, the governor will
be here in two hours.
Okay, I'll conclude it.
I thank you.
All right, Kate, now.
Now. Give it to him now?
Uh, on behalf of the
people of Hooterville,
I present you with
this bouquet of flowers.
Thank you, Mrs. Brad...
Mrs. Brad... (sneezes)
(all laughing)
Gesundheit, Your Excellency.
(cymbals crash)
JOE: Come on. Come
on. They're on their way.
They just whistled
for Fred Ziffel's.
Well, how do we look, Mom?
What are you wearing
those outfits for?
Well, we're the solution
to Uncle Joe's problem.
I'm going to do the
twirling for the trio.
But you girls don't
play those instruments.
That's all taken care of, Kate.
Now everybody in their
places for the governor.
Now one final word.
This is your last chance
to buy a "Hail to
the Chief" pennant
to wave at the
governor for 25 cents.
Anybody want to buy a pennant?
Don't give up, Uncle Joe.
Maybe the governor
will adopt them
as the official
flag of the state.
(train whistle blows)
He's coming! He's coming!
Don't nobody panic. Don't...
Where's your duster?!
Where's your duster?!
I panicked and brought
the flowers instead.
Okay, okay.
All right, band, start playing.
(phonograph static crackles)
("There'll Be a Hot Time in
the Old Town Tonight" plays)
(cymbals crashing)
Grandpappy, you
ain't keeping time.
Hey?
Keep time!
Time. How do I know?
I haven't got my watch.
I've had nightmares that
weren't as bad as this.
(bell clangs)
♪ ♪
(whistle blows)
(music continues)
Betty Jo, stop the record.
Friend Governor...
That's no friend
governor. That's Fred Ziffel.
Well, folks, I'm sorry
I missed rehearsal,
but I had to put cold towels
on Arnold's swoll snoot.
Get off the train, Fred, so
we can meet the governor.
We've already met him.
He sure is a nice fellow.
Where is he?
Well, now, Kate, uh,
let me tell you what happened.
Floyd and Charley
was in Hooterville
waiting for His Excellency,
and sure enough, this big black
machine with a sireen come up.
And the governor got out.
I'll never forget
his first words:
"How do I get to
Crabwell Corners?"
Kinda brought a tear to my eye.
He's going to
Crabwell Corners first,
and then come back?
He's not coming back, Kate.
He's got to. I sent
him an invitation.
But let me tell you
what happened.
The governor didn't
get no invitation.
(all murmuring)
The time the president
didn't show up for coffee,
you forgot to put a
stamp on the envelope.
Kate, I wouldn't make
that fool mistake twice.
You did put a stamp
on the envelope?
Why, of course I did.
Here, see for yourself.
There's no need
for mob violence.
(all yelling)
Boy, Uncle Joe
sure can run fast.
You think that's fast,
you should have seen him
the day the president
didn't show up.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
appears to be on the rise again,
and despite a lack of support
from the rest of the
town folk of Hooterville,
he's planning on playing
host to the top man in the state
in this episode.
Aired March 9, 1965, "A
Visit From the Governor."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
"Government Plans
Glass Roof Tower."
What do they need a
glass roof tower for?
"Governor Plans
Grass Roots Tour."
No fooling?
Where does it say that?
Right there.
Oh, what's he want
to tour the roots for?
I don't know. Read the article.
"In an e-x-c-l-u-s-i..."
"Exclusive," stupid.
"In an exclusive
stupid interview..."
"the governor
stated today that..."
Newt Kiley.
He didn't state nothing
about Newt Kiley.
The paper... Newt Kiley's paper.
Oh.
(man yells in pain)
Hi, Newt.
"The governor stated today
that he would leave
the state cap pistol..."
"Capital."
Yeah, "...early next week to..."
We're coming to
Fred Ziffel's pig farm.
I know. My smeller's
as good as yours is.
(pig grunting)
You hit Arnold
right in the snoot.
Fred ought'nt to send
him down to get the paper.
"The governor
stated today that..."
"he'll leave the
state within a week
for an extended tour of
the state's hinterlands."
Oh, that's nice.
Kate, the
hinterlands... That's us.
It is?
Yeah. There ain't
no land in the state
more hinter than Hooterville.
Oh, there's Crabwell Corners.
Kate, how can you be so calm?
The governor's
gonna pay us a visit.
Well, I'll be very
happy to meet him.
Kate, you don't
just meet governors.
You got to formal reception 'em.
Uncle J... Oh!
I've got to do my cleaning.
Which is more important...
Meeting the
governor or cleaning?
Well, I wouldn't
want him to drop in
and find a dusty lobby.
Who's going to drop in?
The governor.
What governor?
Of the state.
How about that.
How about what?
The governor's
going to visit us.
Oh. Mom, do you want
us to put supper on now?
Yes, would you, please?
You, too.
What's the matter with them?
Didn't they hear what I said
about the governor visiting us?
Remember the time
when you told them
the president was going
to drop in for coffee?
Yeah.
Be sure and clean the carrots.
Maybe you ain't
excited, but I am.
Your move, grandpappy.
Hey?
You got to jump Fred's king!
What?
Jump Fred's king!
No, I don't want
to hear Fred sing.
Oh, I wasn't gonna sing.
Hey, fellas, you
seen the paper?!
Shh.
Well, look, this is important!
So's this. It's a ten cent game.
The governor's coming.
What?
The governor's coming!
I ain't humming.
Fred's singing.
Sam, you know
what's in the paper?
I ought to, I printed it.
Oh, I wouldn't make
that move, Fred.
For cryin' out loud,
how can you sit there
playing checkers with all
the work we've got to do?
What work?
Getting ready to
greet the governor.
We'll be glad to,
soon as we have
coffee with the president.
Ain't I entitled to one mistake?
Not with the president.
Well, I'm not making a
mistake with the governor.
Well, you are if you think
we're gonna stand at attention
in the hot sun for six hours.
Holding coffee cups.
Look, the governor's
coming to Hooterville.
The paper didn't
say that at all.
No, I read that "exclusive
stupid" interview.
Did you read it all?
No, I was too busy throwing
papers out of the cab.
Well, now that reminds me,
watch where you throw 'em,
'cause Arnold's
snoot's all swole up.
Hey?
I say, Arnold's snoot's swole!
Arnold Snootswole? Who's he?
Aw, it's your move.
Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Oh, now what'd you do that for?
So you'll pay some
attention to your civic pride.
It says right here
in this article...
That the governor's
making out his itinerary
and he'd welcome invitations
from any and all remote areas
that he hasn't had
an opportunity to visit.
And that don't mean Hooterville.
We ain't a remote area.
No, we're a hinterland.
Don't you want to
improve ourselves?
All we want is to play
checkers without being bothered
by some windbag.
Now you put them
checkers back like they was.
Fred... Either
that, or your snoot's
gonna be more
swole than Arnold's.
Who's this Arnold Snootswole?
You fellas want the governor
to visit us or don't you?
We don't.
Is that your last word?
No, our last word is get out.
Okay.
Pappy had a king here
and Fred had two
men over here, right?
Read back what I've
dictated to you, Billie Jo.
"Your Excellency,
the Governorship..."
Are you sure that's the way
you address the governor?
That's the way I
addressed the president,
except for the governorship.
All right.
"Dear Excellency, four
score and seven years ago
"your father paid us a visit.
"And since then we haven't
seen much of your family.
And we behoove upon you to..."
Oh, I think we
ought to change that.
"We behoove upon
Your Excellency."
Ooh, that's much better.
What excellency are
you behooving on?
The governor's.
Uncle Joe is sending
him an invitation
from the Hooterville
Chamber of Commerce
to pay us a visit.
Oh, did the chamber meet
and vote to send him a letter?
Well, they didn't
exactly vote to send it.
Oh?
Of course, they
didn't vote not to.
Well, what did they do?
Well, mostly we just sat around
and watched Grandpappy
Miller and Fred play checkers.
Oh, so you're taking it upon
yourself to send the letter?
Kate, somebody has to help
put Hooterville on the map.
Forget the letter.
Hold it.
Kate, as a citizen
and a taxpayer...
As a citizen, yes?
I have a right to
invite the governor
to visit my hinterland.
If the people of Hooterville
are too backward
to realize the
benefit that will occur
from such a visit, it ain't
my fault if they find out.
Did you say benefits?
What benefits?
Kate, you remember
the thousands of people
that flocked into town when
they thought the president
was going to stop
by for a coffee break?
Remember them?
I can still see them chasing
you down Main Street
with a bucket of tar
and a basket of feathers.
Kate, what's ancient is history.
Plain facts are,
when the news gets around
that the governor is here,
the people are going to flock
into town in a buying mood.
Eating ice cream,
swilling soda pop,
waving pennants,
chomping peanuts.
Pennants, aha!
That's the reason
you're so anxious
to have the governor visit us.
Kate, them 5,000
pennants I got stuck with
is purely incidental to my pride
in my civic virtue.
But you were
planning to unload them
if the governor did visit us.
Well, they do fit the occasion.
They say "Hail to the Chief,"
and the governor's the
chief of state, ain't he?
Why don't you invite Geronimo?
He's a chief you
could hail, too.
Kate, we all have to
do our duty as we see it.
Right, and my duty is to see
that you don't send that letter.
Kate... That's my last word.
And you've got to admit,
it's a lot politer than
what Sam must have said.
(excited chattering)
(gavel pounding)
Ladies, please.
Let's come to order.
(clamoring stops)
May I remind you
that this is a meeting
of the Every Other Wednesday
Afternoon Discussion Club,
and not the meeting of The
Fighting and Squabbling Club?
Now the train will be
here in 20 minutes,
and that will give
us just enough time
to hear Selma Plout give
one of her ever-popular
book reviews.
(women groaning)
Wha-what book are
you reviewing, Selma?
The same one I've been trying
to review the last ten meetings.
Dr. Holbein's Vegetable
Gardening on a Budget.
(yawning)
Nobody is interested
in vegetable gardening,
on or off a budget.
Emily, you may not like the
books that Selma reviews,
but the least you can do is
give her the courtesy of listening.
Thank you.
We're waiting, Selma.
SELMA: Vegetable
gardening on a budget...
Selma started her
book review yet?
(barking)
They look thirsty?
(panting)
Well, I guess this is
the critical moment.
Now remember what
you're supposed to do.
(barks)
And don't forget.
As Dr. Holbein so
poetically phrases it...
(yawning) "You can't beat
beets if you want to eat cheap."
To plant beets,
Dr. Holbein suggests...
Excuse me, ladies.
I thought you might
like to wet your whistles
while you're listening to
Selma's dry book report.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, that-that's very
nice of you, Uncle Joe.
My lips are so dry
I can hardly pucker.
Please, I'm not finished.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Uh, ladies, sit
down. (bangs gavel)
Uncle Joe, you're
disrupting the meeting.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, isn't that cute?
Now what's that stupid
animal doing waving a pennant
with "Hail to the Chief," on it?
Yes, what is he doing?
He must be getting ready
to greet our chief executive
of the state, otherwise
known as the governor.
The governor?
KATE: Uncle Joe, please.
I hadn't heard the governor
was going to visit us.
According to the bylaws,
there'll be no souvenirs
sold at the meetings.
Go ahead with your
book report, Selma.
Not until I find out
what this is all about.
You mean, Kate hasn't
brought up the subject
of the reception you ladies
are giving His Excellency?
She certainly didn't.
Well, according
to the newspapers,
the governor's making a tour
of all the outstanding
small towns
which ask him to
stop over for a visit.
Now I was delegated to
write a letter inviting him to...
Uncle Joe, nobody delegated
anybody to write a letter.
Why not?
Because certain
backward elements,
which shall remain Sam Drucker,
ain't interested in
having him visit us.
Sam Drucker isn't
running our town.
I make a motion we
authorize Mr. Carson
to write the letter
to officially invite
the governor to
visit Hooterville.
All in favor, raise their hands.
Uncle Joe, you have
no right to come in here...
Hands win. All except Kate's.
But-but-but he has no
official standing in this group.
He's not a member.
Well, we can take care of that.
All those in favor of making
Mr. Carson a member of
the Ladies Every Other Wednesday
Afternoon Discussion Club,
raise their hands.
Fellow members...
(gavel pounding)
I resign.
Kate, now that the ladies have
okayed me writing the letter,
there's no point in you
showing your sour grapes.
Later, when you're
packing your suitcase
I'll show you bunches of them.
JOE: You're going to
need me more than ever
to handle the arrangements
for the governor
spending the night here.
What was that?
The last paragraph
of this letter
extends a cordial
free invitation
for him to be the guest
of the management
of the Shady Rest.
Aha.
Now this whole thing
is becoming clear
to me, Kate Bradley.
Your reluctance to
mention the governor's visit,
tricking us into
putting Uncle Joe up
for membership of
the club. Tricking you?!
Just so's we'd authorize
him to write a letter
inviting the
governor to stay here
at the Shady Rest.
Selma, I didn't realize
you were going to
make him a member.
Although, I can't imagine
why he'd want to stay here
at this creaky,
old dust catcher.
Just a minute.
Just where do you
suggest he stay?
Why, at my place, of course.
Why, at your place, of course.
Second Mortgage Manor.
Come on. Me and you's got to
air out a few thousand pennants.
(train whistle blows)
Girls, the train's coming.
Let it wait. I've got a
few more insults left.
And then he came in waving
one of those moth-eaten pennants
that Uncle Joe's stuck with.
Hanging your head
won't do any good.
When Uncle Joe
leaves, you go with him.
(whimpers)
I told Uncle Joe
to forget that letter.
And then I found myself
arguing with Selma Plout
about where the
governor was gonna stay.
(girls snicker)
It isn't funny.
Yes, it is, Mom.
It is?
(laughs) Yeah, I guess it is.
Yeah, that old rascal,
he outmaneuvered me.
Okay, Uncle Joe, it's safe
for you to come in now.
Hi, Kate.
Uncle Joe...
Oh, Mom, now don't
you be a sore loser.
Oh, what's the use?
Kate, I just did it for you.
For me or to me?
Kate, you're gonna
be a wealthy woman.
When the word gets around
that the governor slept here,
thousands of people are
gonna break down your doors
fighting to occupy
the same suite
the governor slept in.
What suite?
The old presidential suite.
What old presidential suite?
Room three, right
next to the bathroom.
Oh, let him stay
at Selma Plout's.
Kate, don't you realize
it'll take only one night
out of the governor to put
the Shady Rest on the map?
Whoever heard of the White House
till George
Washington slept there?
We can raise the rates...
Four dollars a night...
Including an authentic
"Hail to the Chief" pennant.
I know, Kate. You're
speechless with gratitude.
"Governor Arrives Today."
(man gasps)
See ya at the Shady Rest, Newt.
"Recessions Skadoodled
at the Shady Rest."
"Reception Scheduled
at the Shady Rest."
Yeah, how about that?
(pig grunts)
Remember, when Fred
punches me in the snoot
for hitting Arnold in
the snoot, you did it.
(whistle blows)
9:00. Haven't you got
them pies baked yet?
I've been up since 5:30.
I got 15 of them to make.
The governor will
be here at 3:00.
Don't worry about me.
Details, details.
I don't know why I let you
talk me into taking charge.
"Talk you into taking charge?"
(march playing)
What is that?
It's the Hooterville
world-renowned
baton-twirling trio. Come on.
("There'll Be a Hot Time in
the Old Town Tonight" plays)
I can't do this.
Me, neither.
Oh, why don't we just keep time?
Okay.
The girls will lead off
in front of the volunteer
fire department's band
and the governor's grand
marshal in the track up to the hotel.
Hold it. (music stops)
Aren't those batons the former
curtain rods from my room?
Kate, I couldn't take 'em
out of the governor's suite.
Put 'em back.
Oh...
Kate, you got to make
a few patriotic sacrifices.
That's politics.
Politics?
Yeah. Who knows?
Someday maybe you'll want
a favor from the governor.
With what's going
through my mind right now,
the only favor I'll want
from him is a pardon.
I don't know how we let
Joe euchre us into this.
Where's the reviewing stand?
That's it.
JOE: Well, put it together.
We don't know how.
The way you did when
the president didn't show up.
What do we need a
reviewing stand for, anyway?
To review the parade.
Well, how are we gonna
do that? We are the parade.
Sometimes I'm sorry I wrote
that letter to the governor.
Who asked you to?
My ladies club.
Look, if you want
to do something...
Which we don't.
Get rid of that lumber
and take that bunting and
decorate the train with it.
The bunting that was supposed
to go on the reviewing stand.
Ain't enough to
cover a whole train.
Well, put it on one side.
Which side?
The side he gets off on.
Details, details.
Ain't ya done yet?
We've been waiting
for you for rehearsal.
You got to learn what to do
when the governor
gets off the train.
I know what to do. I'll
shake hands with him.
No, you're gonna
be a flower girl,
hand him a bouquet of flowers.
I don't have to rehearse that.
Oh, yes, you do.
You gotta know the
exact split second
when to hand him the bouquet.
Okay, now that's where
you'll be when the train
pulls in with the governor.
The flowers are wilting.
Kate. Now, Charley and Floyd
will bring the train to a stop
so that the steps
are about here.
And upon a signal from
me, the band will start playing
the governor's
favorite selection:
"There'll Be a Hot Time
in the Old Town Tonight."
Now, when the
band starts playing,
the drum majorettes
will start twirling.
Joe, I just thought
of something.
How we gonna be playing in
the band when we're supposed
to be bringing the
governor in on the train?
That's an interesting question.
How can they?
I'll figure that out later.
Now when I raise my hand,
I want the music to stop.
Which hand?
What difference does it make?
Well, I don't want to
stop on the wrong hand.
You ain't gonna
be playing anyway.
Oh, did you figure
it out, Uncle Joe?
Okay, now when the
band starts playing,
I want all of you
people to start waving
your "Hail to the
Chief" pennants.
I was wondering when you
were gonna get around to them.
What pennants?
Yeah, nobody's got pennants.
Here you are.
Get your "Hail to
the Chief" pennants.
Genuine "Hail to the Chief"
pennants, only 50 cents!
You can't greet the governor
without an official pennant.
Hold it. Ain't those
the same pennants
that you were stuck
with from your last fiasco?
Oh, yes, aren't they, Uncle Joe?
Look...
I think I ought to put
these flowers in water.
You don't have to buy pennants
if you don't wanna.
We don't wanna.
Besides, you only got a dime
for them for the president.
How come they're half
a buck for the governor?
Lucky His Excellency isn't here
to hear your disrespect.
Okay, now let's get
on with the rehearsal.
The train's in.
Band, start playing.
(playing "There'll Be a Hot
Time in the Old Town Tonight")
(cymbals crash)
(cymbals crash)
(music fades)
(cymbals crash)
Grandpappy!
Now, the governor
will step down the step.
Where-where's the governor?
We ain't picked him up yet.
I mean, the rehearsal governor.
It's you, Sam.
Now, okay, I've stepped down.
All right, Kate.
Hmm? Oh. Uh, Rehearsal Governor,
it gives me great pleasure
to present you with
this feather duster.
Thank you, young lady.
I'll vote for you
again. (snickers)
What's the sense in trying
to do anything official?
Kate, you aren't supposed
to present the governor
with a feather duster until
after my greeting speech.
Oh, why do you have to
make the greeting speech?
I invited you here, didn't I?
Yeah, and I'm beginning
to be sorry I came.
(clears throat)
Fellow Governor... friends...
this is a great day in the...
Joe, you don't have to
give the whole speech.
No, the governor will
be here in two hours.
Okay, I'll conclude it.
I thank you.
All right, Kate, now.
Now. Give it to him now?
Uh, on behalf of the
people of Hooterville,
I present you with
this bouquet of flowers.
Thank you, Mrs. Brad...
Mrs. Brad... (sneezes)
(all laughing)
Gesundheit, Your Excellency.
(cymbals crash)
JOE: Come on. Come
on. They're on their way.
They just whistled
for Fred Ziffel's.
Well, how do we look, Mom?
What are you wearing
those outfits for?
Well, we're the solution
to Uncle Joe's problem.
I'm going to do the
twirling for the trio.
But you girls don't
play those instruments.
That's all taken care of, Kate.
Now everybody in their
places for the governor.
Now one final word.
This is your last chance
to buy a "Hail to
the Chief" pennant
to wave at the
governor for 25 cents.
Anybody want to buy a pennant?
Don't give up, Uncle Joe.
Maybe the governor
will adopt them
as the official
flag of the state.
(train whistle blows)
He's coming! He's coming!
Don't nobody panic. Don't...
Where's your duster?!
Where's your duster?!
I panicked and brought
the flowers instead.
Okay, okay.
All right, band, start playing.
(phonograph static crackles)
("There'll Be a Hot Time in
the Old Town Tonight" plays)
(cymbals crashing)
Grandpappy, you
ain't keeping time.
Hey?
Keep time!
Time. How do I know?
I haven't got my watch.
I've had nightmares that
weren't as bad as this.
(bell clangs)
♪ ♪
(whistle blows)
(music continues)
Betty Jo, stop the record.
Friend Governor...
That's no friend
governor. That's Fred Ziffel.
Well, folks, I'm sorry
I missed rehearsal,
but I had to put cold towels
on Arnold's swoll snoot.
Get off the train, Fred, so
we can meet the governor.
We've already met him.
He sure is a nice fellow.
Where is he?
Well, now, Kate, uh,
let me tell you what happened.
Floyd and Charley
was in Hooterville
waiting for His Excellency,
and sure enough, this big black
machine with a sireen come up.
And the governor got out.
I'll never forget
his first words:
"How do I get to
Crabwell Corners?"
Kinda brought a tear to my eye.
He's going to
Crabwell Corners first,
and then come back?
He's not coming back, Kate.
He's got to. I sent
him an invitation.
But let me tell you
what happened.
The governor didn't
get no invitation.
(all murmuring)
The time the president
didn't show up for coffee,
you forgot to put a
stamp on the envelope.
Kate, I wouldn't make
that fool mistake twice.
You did put a stamp
on the envelope?
Why, of course I did.
Here, see for yourself.
There's no need
for mob violence.
(all yelling)
Boy, Uncle Joe
sure can run fast.
You think that's fast,
you should have seen him
the day the president
didn't show up.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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