Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 21 - Modern Merchandising - full transcript

A new grocery store opens in Pixley. The store has a wide variety of products at a discount price. Sam Drucker starts losing customers.

It looks like Sam
Drucker's general store

is in real trouble when
his longtime customers

start taking their business
to the flashy new supermarket

all the way over in Pixley.

To regain support
from his clientele,

it's time for Sam to
retool his retail strategy

with some "Modern
Merchandising."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)



♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

All aboard to Pixley!

Direct connection to
O'Donnel's Supermarket.

All aboard!

Get that darn train out of here!

And take that sign down!

Hey, let go of that.

That's railroad property.

Now look at what you done.

You want to buy
some mending tape?

We'll buy it over at O'Donnel's.

He ain't a mean
old sign grabber.

Oh, everybody's going
over to O'Donnel's.

I ain't seen a customer
since they opened.

Better get aboard, everybody.

Oh, Mrs. Brown, I got a
special on bacon today.

45 cents a pound.

Mrs. Higby, I got a
big special on bacon.

35 cents a pound.

Could I interest you
in a pound of bacon?

15 cents.

Uh, ten cents?

Five cents?

Free bacon.

Free bacon!

I'll take a couple of
pounds of that free bacon.

Get out of here,
you backstabber!

Go on up to O'Donnel's!

I don't need your business!

You're all a bunch of no-good...

(whistle blowing)

Good-bye, choo-choo.

I thought you were
Mr. Drucker's friends.

We are. We sure are.

I just got through
telling her we are.

Then why are you hauling
his customers up to Pixley

so they can shop
in that new market?

Well, Betty Jo, we
don't have any choice.

If the people want to
go to Pixley on the train,

we gotta take 'em,

even if we don't like
the reason they're going.

Yeah, as the saying goes:

"Ours is not the reason why,

ours is but to drink your rye."

Oh, that's not the
way the saying goes.

I think it's terrible.

I got another one
about a early bird.

I mean about Mr. Drucker's
customers deserting him.

Shop in a new store

just because it's got a lot of
fancy new gadgets and gimmicks.

Well, Betty Jo,
it's only natural.

Folks all like the new
gadgets and the gimcracks.

Including us. Well, I don't.

And Mom doesn't.

Nobody in our
family's gonna shop

in that old supermarket.

That'll be $14.22.

Out of $15.

(ding)

There's your change.

Thank you.

And thank you very much.

Is there something wrong?

Bet it's pretty
crowded down there

where that fella's
making change.

(chuckles)

Uh, the cash register
does that automatically.

Well, beats Sam Drucker's
old-fashioned method

of shortchanging the customer.

(chuckles)

You know Sam Drucker?

No, not personally.

But a lot of his
customers have been

doing their shopping
here recently.

Well, that don't
surprise me none.

If he'd listen to my
progress-defying ideas,

I could've made him the
same unbelievable success

I made of the Shady Rest.

Shady Rest?

Don't tell me you
ain't never heard of it.

No; I haven't been
here very long.

Just since I opened the store.

Well, the Shady
Rest, one of the last of

the great ultra-modern
resort-type hotels,

which caters to a
luxury-loving "client-teel."

I'm Joe Carson, the manager,
chief purchasing agent.

Well, I'm certainly glad
to know you, Mr. Carson.

Yeah, for years we've been
throwing all of our business

to Sam, to try to keep
him from going busted.

But he just ain't got
the equipment to handle

the daily big orders of an
operation like the Shady Rest.

Sam's interested in small
change, not the big picture.

How much you get for these?

Oh, those are five cents apiece.

You know how much business I
throw Sam Drucker every year?

No, I have no idea.

Yet, would you believe
when I go in his store

and pick up one of these for
the purpose of testing its quality

for the Waldorf-type
cooking we have to offer,

he charges me for it?

That's very shortsighted.

Yeah, it's little things like
that that make me think of

relocating the hotel's
source of supply.

You don't happen to know
any reliable outfit around here

that can handle our
volume of business, do you?

Oh, well, I'm sure that our
store could handle it for you.

Well, I never thought of that.

Of course, it ain't
quite as big as I'd like.

Well, I'm sure we can take care
of all your needs, Mr. Carson.

Oh.

Well, maybe
we'll give you a try.

Oh, well, yes, sir.

I'll, uh, I'll be glad to take
care of your order personally.

Mr. O'Donnel... Uh,
just one moment please.

Please, I'm-I'm in a big...

Mrs. Williams,
please, just a moment.

All right, sir, um, go ahead.

Can of coffee.

One can coffee.

Uh-huh. What else?

That's all.

That's all?

And don't forget my stamps.

Mr. Carson, I'm sure that

handling a big order like this
would make me very nervous.

I would prefer it
if you went back

and got your coffee yourself.

But, uh... It's-It's
very easy to find.

It's right in aisle C.

It's right down there
at the back of the store.

Now, you go down aisle B,

past the fruit salad, the
succotash, the dog food.

You turn right at
the hot water bottles,

then you turn left at
the movie magazines,

go right down aisle
C, past the beach balls,

and the coffee is right
there on the bottom shelf!

You ain't creating no goodwill.

Well, I am not trying to!

Oh, and this banana,
that goes on your bill, too!

Now, Mrs. Williams,
I'm awfully s...

Where's Mrs. Williams?

(sighs)

Mom, why did you send Uncle
Joe to Drucker's for coffee?

We've got about ten cans here.

Yeah, look at all the canned
goods you bought from him.

I guess I have been overbuying,
trying to keep up Sam's morale.

Hi.

Hi, Uncle J...

I-I told you just to
buy a can of coffee.

Oh, I found a lot of other
things I thought we might need.

Oh, glad you did.

Fruit salad?

Succotash?

Dog food?

(barks)

Uh, "Send in three
labels with 50 cents,

and you get a
rhinestone dog collar."

(coins rattling)

(rattling)

You know there's been some
change missing from my dresser?

(growling)

Hey, what'd you buy a hot
water bottle for, Uncle Joe?

Oh, I had a slow
leak in my old one.

What is that?

A beach ball.

Why? Did you have a
slow leak in your old one?

I don't remember Sam
carrying beach balls.

I didn't think he carried
water bottles, either.

That's why he's losing
all his trade to O'Donnel's.

You mean you went over to
Pixley to do your shopping?

Well, kind of.

Well, $6.20 doesn't
sound like "kind of."

Well, I couldn't just
walk around there

eating bananas without
buying something.

Yeah, but you
didn't buy the coffee.

Well, we bought all
that coffee from Sam,

I figured we didn't
need any more.

But we need a beach ball.

Why did you go over there
shopping in the first place?

Do a little research to help
Sam's backward merchandising.

Kate, he ain't a-gonna
get back any of them

unsatisfied customers until
he makes a few changes.

Like what?

Like putting in
electric eyeballs.

Electric eyeballs?

Yeah.

O'Donnel put them
on his front door,

and when you make
contact with them,

they open the door for you.

Sam always opens
the door for me himself.

Just because he's too chintzy
to get a set of electric eyeballs.

He ain't got one of them

automatic change-giving
cash registers, either.

No, he hasn't.

Then what's the point
of shopping with him?

He gives us credit.

Kate, just because
Sam lets your run up a bill

for two or three years,
is that any reason

why you should trade there?

Can you think of a better one?

Uncle Joe, I want you
to take all this stuff back.

Kate, a big supermarket
like O'Donnel's ain't got

Sam's backward policies
of letting you return stuff

years after you bought it.

I think it's a very nice policy.

What do women
know about shopping?

I know this much: I been
shopping with Sam for years,

and I like doing
business with him.

Kate, you ain't helping him
with that kind of an attitude.

If he'd listen to a couple
of his real friends, like me,

I'd have showed him
how to turn a country store

into a chain of automatic
door-opening supermarkets.

Uncle Joe, hasn't Mr. Drucker
got enough trouble?

Don't worry about Sam.

He's had rough competition
before, and he's never panicked.

O'Donnel will
crack before he will.

No, I ain't got any.

No, I ain't gonna order any.

Because I don't feel like
ordering them, that's why.

If you want them, buy them
up in Pixley in O'Donnel's.

Customers calling up,

asking for things
you haven't got.

Morning, Sam.

Oh... Morning, uh,
uh... (chuckles): Kate.

Huh?

Sam, are you feeling all right?

Of course I'm feeling all right.

What do you want?

I-I just want a small order.

Small order.

That's all I ever
get is small orders.

If I ever got a big order, I'd
think I was in the wrong store.

Well, we could come back later.

The service ain't gonna
be any better then.

Oh, well, I, um, I'd like

a small can of those
little peas and...

Small can of little peas...

Small... can...
little peas, huh?

Little peas.

I had one here yesterday.

Maybe you sold it.

To who?

(chuckles): I have no idea.

Then quit mixing in my business.

Well, Sam, I wasn't
mixing in your... Hey!

Kid, will you put that down?

I was just feeling
it, Mr. Drucker.

No feeling unless you're buying.

Sam, Betty Jo meant no harm.

Hi, Betty Jo.

Oh, now, what can
I do for you, uh, uh...

Kate.

I'd like a small
can of, uh... Peas?

Yeah.

Everybody wants
to buy a can of peas.

Some days, I don't sell a...

Will you get away from there?!

Dogs sniffing dog biscuits
and kids feeling material.

What can I do for you, Kate?

Nothing, Sam.

Thanks.

Well, that's good,
because I'm awful busy.

I'm trying to find a can of
peas for a crabby customer.

Well, I don't think it's
anything physical, Doc.

It's just that Sam's been
acting kind of nervous lately.

Nervous?

Snappy and edgy.

Well, he doesn't have
any medical history

of snappy and edgy.

He snapped at Betty Jo today.

And you know he's never
had a harsh word for the girls.

If anything, he's spoiled them.

That's right.

And he's had trouble
remembering my name.

You know, Doc, this
is none of my business,

but Sam doesn't have
anybody to look out for him,

and I, well, I just kind of
wish you'd look him over.

I'm glad to, Kate.

Tell him to drop in anytime.

Yeah, I-I'm not
going over there!

Well, that's all right.

Either he comes over
here, or you go over there.

Now you make up your mind.

He charges two
dollars for an office visit,

and three dollars
for a store call.

But there's nothing
wrong with me!

(wry laugh) Uh, excuse me.

Hello? Hello!

Darn phone rings all day, and
there's never anybody there.

M-M-M-May-May-Maybe I
could get Doc to cut his price

to two dollars for a store call.

Now, hold still,
Sam. Hold still.

Open your mouth and say, "Ah."

Go on, Sam. Give me a big "ah."

Oh!

Sam. Sam.

Now, come right over
here and lie down.

There's nothing wrong with me!

Lie down. Sam...

Sam, right here.
Y-you just got to.

Easy now. That's the only
way the doc can examine you.

Lay down and relax.
Now, if you'll just be quiet.

And we'll just
get this right here.

Now... And you've
got to cooperate.

I am cooperating with him.

I-I took the stick out of the
ice cream bar for him, didn't I?

Sam, you any temperature?

Well, how would I...?

Now, don't talk.

Here we are.

What do you usually carry,
about 29 pounds in this old arm?

Oh, Doc!

Oh, he was just teasing you.

Well, I can do without
teasing at two dollars a call.

Three dollars. Two!

Oh-oh! Oh-oh, your pressure
just went up ten points.

I don't think he has
any temperature.

Let him tell me.

You haven't got any temperature.

Well, look at the thermometer.

What's the use? It's broken.

What?!

What do you expect
for two dollars?

(phone ringing)

I'll answer it.

Answer what?

Hello?

Well, he's, um,
real busy right now.

Yeah, I'll have
him call you back.

There we are.

Now, Sam, how have
you been sleeping at night?

Well, how can I sleep,

worrying about losing
all those customers

to the market in Pixley?

It ain't hard enough
trying to earn a liv...

Sam? Sam, Sam, Sam?

When was the last
time you had a vacation?

Here, I can tell you.

1950.

How do you know?

Because I treated you

for poison ivy and sunburn.

It's high time you
had another vacation.

I can't afford one.

I got all these
big medical bills.

You're gonna have bigger
ones if you don't take a vacation!

Now, Sam, you like Glover Lake.

Why don't you go up there
and just fish, relax and sleep?

DOC STUART: Do
you a lot more good

than any 85-cent
prescription I could give you.

Sounds nice, but who'd
look after the store?

Close it up.

And lose all that business?!

You haven't got any business.

Answer the phone.

I'll take care of the
store for you, Sam.

Two weeks vacation
would be the best medicine

in the world for you.

One. Two weeks.

Ten days? Two weeks,
and when can you go?

In about three months.

Now, you listen to
me, Sam Drucker.

You're packing your
bag this afternoon

and getting on that train

and going to Glover's
Lake for two whole weeks.

Oh, Doc!

Two dollars. Three!

Well, I, uh, guess I
do need a vacation.

I thought we'd
never get him off.

He was a nervous wreck.

Boy, he sure is.

Good morning, Mrs. Bradley.

And how are
your two little girls?

Like some jelly
beans? Help yourself.

Just a second.

You running the store?

Yes, ma'am.

Then run in the back, get a
broom and start sweeping.

Is this for selling
or for dusting?

Well, use it for dusting,

and if somebody wants
to buy it, we'll sell it.

Ma, what's this?

Ah, that's a button hook.

Well, what's it for?

Hooking buttons.

On dresses? On shoes.

When did they ever
have buttons on shoes?

They used to wear
them in the 1890s.

Oh, did you wear 'em?

I said they wore
them in the 1890s.

Well, that would only
make you about...

I'll put it back.

Do that.

"Renway's Raccoon Coat Renewer?"

Raccoon coats?

Mm-hmm. College
boys used to wear 'em.

For what?

To keep 'em warm while
riding in a rumble seat.

What's a rumble seat?

Are we gonna clean up, or
are we gonna study history?

There's no point in
cleaning this place up.

What we ought to do
is get rid of all this junk,

and take out all
that ancient fixtures,

and put in one of those
change-giving cash registers.

Uncle Joe, cleaning up's all
the modernizing we're gonna do.

Well, it wouldn't hurt

to install the latest
supermarket methods

of displaying merchandise,
as practiced by O'Donnel.

What's that?

Putting stuff where
you can't find it.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

Uh, where's the coffee?

Coffee... Oh! Right here.

Exactly.

Do you ever buy
coffee at O'Donnel's?

No.

Well, it ain't out in the open

killing business like that.

Where is it?

It's in the back of the store.

Well, then, how do you find it?

Well, it's easy, once O'Donnel
gives you the directions.

You go down aisle B,

past the canned fruit salad,
succotash and dog food.

Then you turn right
at the hot water bottles.

Turn left at the
movie magazines.

You'll find the coffee
at the end of the aisle

on the bottom shelf.

Huh.

No wonder you came
home with all that stuff.

I was just testing out his
merchandising methods

to see if they'd work on me.

Wouldn't be a bad idea

to put this store in
some kind of order.

It would sure help
out Mr. Drucker.

Why don't we pull
everything down

and put it back up with
some kind of a... a system?

Okay. Let's go.

Mom, where should I put these?

I'll take them, dear.

Did we put everything back?

Everything except the confusion.

Boy, look at all
the room there is.

Yeah. Put these up
there, will you, dear? Okay.

We're going to need a
couple of cases of stuff

to fill in the spaces.

Hey! Our first customer!

Oh, that ain't a customer.

It's Newt Kiley.

Welcome.

Hi, Newt.

Where-Where's the coffee?

Right down the aisle
there, past the button hooks,

past Renway's
Raccoon Coat Renewer.

You turn right at
the horse collars,

and you'll find it at
the end of the aisle

on the bottom shelf.

Thanks.

Billie Joe, you better
get a big box for his order.

Okay.

Bobbie Jo, you
better get a big box.

Kate, will you put
this coffee on my bill?

Wait a minute... is that
all you're gonna buy?

It's all I come in for.

Yeah, I know,

but on the way, you
were supposed to pick up

a couple of button hooks,

a bottle of Renway's
Raccoon Coat Renewer

and a horse collar.

What fer?

I don't have a horse.

Look, Newt, if you
don't want to abide by

our modern methods
of merchandising,

we don't want your business.

Uncle Joe!

I-I-I'll put the coffee
on your account, Newt.

Thanks, Kate.

See, you're harder to
get along with than Sam.

Uncle Joe, why don't
you put the coffee

back where he can find it.

Kate, I'm just
trying to help Sam.

You're really trying
to help Sam? Sure.

Then why don't you
go up to O'Donnel's

and short-circuit
his electric eyeballs.

"And I went fishing
yesterday and got a lot of bites,

"mostly mosquitoes.

Ha, ha."

Doggone, that Sam sure makes up

a lot of funny ones.

Um, "I've been sleeping
ten hours a night

"and I'm not nervous no more.

"I only heard the phone
not ringing twice yesterday.

"I want to thank you
for taking care of things,

"so as I could go
away on this vacation.

"I'm not worried at all.

I know the store
is in good hands."

Ooh, wholesale groceries, huh?

Mr. Drucker has been dealing

with our firm for many years.

Oh, I'm managing the
store while he's away.

Your shelves are kind of bare.

You should have seen

how crowded they was
a couple of days ago,

before I installed my modern
methods of merchandising.

I've been thinking
about filling in the stock

to take care of the large
volume of sales I'm anticipating.

Well, I'll be glad
to take your order.

Well, let's see.

Uh, we'll start with A's...

Applesauce... I only
got two cans left.

Uh, better have some of them.

Well, uh, we've got a real good
deal on Krellman's applesauce.

$2.40 a case.

How many in a case?

Twenty-four.

Gee, that's ten cents a can.

I'll take three.

And, uh, what else?

Uh, beans.

Uh, give me six of them.

Sure.

Joe!

Hey, Joe!

He's getting a haircut, boys.

Well, we need a hand
unloading Sam's grocery order.

Well, Sam didn't tell me
he ordered any groceries.

Oh, I reckon he just forgot.

He was getting
away in such a hurry.

Well, Kate, we'll unload
it ourselves. Thanks.

I guess we'd better get
the stuff off the roof first.

Roof?

Yeah, there wasn't no
more room in the coach.

Oh...

Are those all groceries?

The locomotive cab's
plum full of creamed corn.

Oh, poor Sam.

He was in worse
shape than I realized.

He didn't know
what he was doing.

Hey, Joe, look at all
the stuff Sam bought.

Well, I just remembered,
I got to get a haircut.

Wait a second.

Didn't you just get a haircut?

Yeah, yeah, but it's
grown since then.

Uncle Joe, what do
you know about all that?

All of what?

All of those groceries!

Is that what they are?

The day I left you
alone in the store,

did any salesmen come in?

Yeah, two.

What were they selling?

One of them was
selling thimbles, Kate,

the chunkiest
thimbles you ever saw.

You wouldn't think
of putting one on...

And what was the
other fella selling?

Kate, they was the tinniest...

What was the
other fella selling?

I don't know.

Could it have been groceries?

Yeah, yeah, it
could've been groceries.

Uncle Joe!

Kate, I can explain.

Then explain
from in front of me.

I don't want to get hurt.

Uncle Joe, how could
you do a thing like that?

Kate, it was all a mistake.

It certainly was.

I should never have left
you alone in the store.

But, you see, I thought...

I'm not interested.

Just take all that stuff back.

We can't.

Why not?

'Cause the grocery company

won't accept it back.

What?!

Kate, you just don't understand

modern methods of merchandising.

Uncle Joe!

(groaning)

Kate? Kate?

Women.

Least little thing upsets 'em.

I thought you was gonna stay

another week, Mr. Drucker.

Oh, there's no need to.

I feel better than
I've felt in years.

Well, I hope you'll
come back real soon.

Well, I plan to, now that
I got somebody reliable

to look after my store.

Bye. Good-bye.

Keep the fish biting.

Hi, Kate.

Kate!

Um... How are you,
um-um-um... Sam. Sam?

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Kate, what's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.

You're going to
sell all that stuff.

What stuff?

Answer the phone.

Kate, is something
wrong with the store?

What makes you think

something's wrong
with the store?

Um-um-um... Sam.

Kate, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

With modern
merchandising methods,

you'll be able to sell those
2,000 cases of groceries

in no time.

What 2,000 cases?

The ones Uncle Joe bought.

Joe? (laughing): Yeah.

Answer the phone.

Only rang twice.

Three times. Twice.

There it goes again.

Uh-uh-uh... Kate.

Oh, yes, you came in
for a small can of peas.

Yeah.

And a bottle of Renway's
Raccoon Coat Renewer

and two button hooks.

If you're not going to
answer that phone, I am.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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