Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 2 - Race Against the Stork - full transcript

Nothing presents quite
as many comic possibilities

as childbirth, on
TV sitcoms anyway.

And in this next episode,
Kate's friend, Elsie Barton,

comes to stay at the Shady Rest.

Elsie is very much
in the family way,

as they used to say,

and the hotel is anything but
a restful place for Uncle Joe

as he nervously prepares
for the big blessed event

in "Race Against the Stork."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪



♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(engine chugging)

(yawns)

(plays harmonica)

(whistle blows)

(barking)

Train's coming.

So I've been told.

Announcing the train's my job.

Okay, I hope Charley
didn't forget to make a stop

at the creek to pick
up Henry and Elsie.

Would you put these in
the back bedroom for her?

I thought you was putting
Elsie upstairs in number three.

Well, I don't think
climbing stairs

in her condition is a good idea.

And would you bring in one
of the rockers from the porch

and put it in her room?

I don't know what
all this fuss is about.

Women's been
having babies for years.

It has kinda worked
out that way, hasn't it?

And bring a footstool
from my room

and put it in hers, huh?

Footstool?

These women are
mollycoddled too much.

My grandmother had ten of 'em

as easy as falling off a log.

Matter of fact, I think
she did with one of 'em.

A woman needs fussing
over at a time like this.

(whistle blowing)

(barking)

Train's in.

When are you gonna learn
to keep your big mouth shut?

(snarling)

Thanks, Charley.
See ya tomorrow.

CHARLEY: Sure. Here.

Take these to the hotel.

Hi, honey. Hi,
Ma. Hi, Uncle Joe.

Did you pick up Elsie?

Yeah. See you later, Ma.

Uh-huh.

That dog ain't fooli"
nobody carrying them books.

Everybody knows
he don't go to school.

These are Elsie's.

Easy does it, Elsie.

All right, Henry.
Hello, Mrs. Bradley.

Oh, Elsie, hello.

You look in the
pink of condition.

Do you really think
so, Mrs. Bradley?

I thought she was
looking a bit peaked.

Gee, Elsie, I-I just don't
feel right about leaving you

at a time like this.

Now, Henry, don't
worry about that.

We'll take good care of her.

I know, but what if...?

"What if" isn't
due for two weeks,

and you're only gonna
be gone three days.

Yeah. (chuckles)

I reckon I am
acting a bit foolish.

Take it from me, Henry.

There ain't nothing
to having a baby.

How do you know?
You ever had one?

Not personally, but
Kate's had three.

(whistle blows)

Good-bye, Elsie.

Bye.

Take care of yourself.

Mm-hmm.

Your vitamins! Have
you got your vitamins?

Well, you packed
'em for me yourself.

A, B, C...

That kid's gonna be
born reciting the alphabet.

I'll take these bags
up to the hotel.

(whistle blowing)

CHARLEY: We'd
better get rolling.

I-I don't think I ought to go.

Henry Barton, you get on
that train and stop worrying.

Yes, ma'am.

All aboard!

Have a good trip.

I will.

Don't forget to take
your calcium pills.

Now, please see that
she gets plenty of rest.

(whistle blows)

All aboard!

If you need me, you
know where I'll be.

Yes.

(steam hissing)

Henry's so flustered
over being a father,

he don't know what he's doing.

But you do.

Huh?

Well, don't you usually ride along
with Charley on the Cannonball?

Holy smokes! Hey,
Charley! Wait for me!

You're knitting 'em all blue.

Pretty confident, aren't ya?

Well, if this one ain't a him,

then the next
one's liable to be.

Or the next one.

Ooh, sounds like you
and Henry are plannin'

a pretty big family.

We'd like to have six:
three boys and three girls.

When I get married,
I'm gonna have all boys.

Not me. I'm gonna have girls.

I'm gonna raise dogs.

You'll change your
mind about that.

Hey, what's goi" on in here?

Elsie's supposed to be resting.

I'm not tired.

Well, you ought to rest anyway.

Have you taken your vitamins?

Uh-huh.

How about your calcium pills?

Took those, too.

Look here.

You ought to put
your feet on this stool.

Oh, Mr. Carson, you don't
have to mollycoddle me.

Ooh, don't worry about that.

Uncle Joe doesn't believe in it.

All right, everybody out. Scat.

See you later, Elsie.

Good-bye, Elsie. Bye.

Now if there's anything
you want, day or night,

all you've got to do
is tinkle this little bell

and I'll come a-runnin'.

Enjoy your nap, Elsie.
And when you wake up,

you'll be ready for a
nice fast game of tennis.

Tennis? Now see here...!

Kate, this ain't
no joking matter.

The whole thing's a matter of
organizing for the emergency.

What emergency?

The one that could
happen in the lower bedroom

at the tinkle of a bell.

She isn't gonna be an emergency

for another two weeks,
according to Doc Stewart.

It won't be the first time the
stork didn't go by his calculations.

I remember when Bobbie Jo...

Did you hear a bell?

No.

You sure?

I'm positive.

Simmer down, Uncle Joe.
Nothing's gonna happen.

Yeah, but if it does, how are
we gonna get the doc out here?

Well, Floyd and Charley have
promised to stop by every run.

Just like they did with Billie
Joe, Bobbie Jo and Betty Joe.

Yeah.

Though, you might say
they were a might unusual

being born in the daytime.

What do you mean?

Well, statistics say

that more babies are
born between the hours

of midnight and 4:00
a.m. than any other time.

Kate, we ain't equipped to
have a baby during them hours.

We don't have a phone,
and the Cannonball

don't make runs
at that time of night.

Oh, Uncle Joe, calm down.
Nothing's going to happen.

Kate, I ain't a man to take
my responsibilities lightly.

We got to think
of some way to get

the doc out here
when we need him.

Well, you got any ideas?

Not at the moment, but
I'll think of something.

I'm sure you will.

Now this here's my plan to fetch
Doc Stewart to the Shady Rest

in case Elsie starts
blessed eventing

between the hours of
midnight and 4:00 a.m.

I'll see you later.

Wait a second, Doc.

You don't know what
you're supposed to do yet.

What do you think
I studied in college,

mechanical engineering?

Well, he ain't important anyway.

All he's gotta do
is deliver the baby.

Sam, give me a
can of that coffee.

Oh, sure.

I'll just put it on Kate's bill.

I don't want to buy it.

I just want to borrow
it to demonstrate.

This here can represents
the Shady Rest.

Give me a can of
them kidney beans.

This is Ben Miller's farm.

I don't raise kidney beans.

Shut up, Ben.

Now I want something to
represent Fred Ziffel's pig farm.

How about a box of bubble bath?

(all laugh)

This is your place, Newt.

Yup.

Now I want you all
to pay close attention

so you'll know what you're
supposed to do when and if.

When and if what?

Floyd...

You been talking so much,
I forgot why we're here.

To deliver Elsie's baby.

I thought the doc
was gonna do that.

He will, if we
ever get him there.

Now it's 1:00 in the morning.

Elsie wakes up and
realizes that the time is near

and rings the little
bell I gave her.

(loud clanging)

I wake up instantly,
put on my boots,

go out in the hall.

Ain't you gonna
put on your pants?

I put 'em on.

All you mentioned
was your boots.

If you fellows ain't
a-gonna listen...

Sorry, Joe.

Now where was I?

Out in the hall in your boots.

Oh, yeah. Now... I slowly
walk down the stairs,

so as not to panic the
rest of the household.

Cross the lobby, take my
gun from behind the desk

and proceed to Elsie's room

where she's still
ringing the little bell.

(loud clanging)

I knock on the door and enter.

And shoot her.

(laughter)

If you fellows ain't
a-gonna take this serious...

No, no, we're real serious, Joe.

Now, what do you do next?

Well, after reassuring her

that she ain't got
nothing to worry about,

I walk outside and
fire my shotgun twice.

Upon hearing my
signal, Ben Miller gets up,

gets his shotgun, goes
out and takes two shots

which wakes up Fred
Ziffel in his pig farm.

Oh, well, Fred's a
pretty sound sleeper.

Suppose he don't hear the shots?

Well, if the shots don't
wake me, my wife will,

complaining about
that fool Ben Miller

shooting off his gun in
the middle of the night.

Ben now fires his shotgun
which wakes up Newt,

who fires his and
rouses Sam here

who rousts out
Floyd and Charley.

Floyd runs to the Cannonball
and starts firing her up.

Charley goes to get Doc Stewart.

By that time,
Floyd's got up steam,

they pile Doc on board and
take off for the Shady Rest.

And wakes up Newt Kiley
who fires his gun, waking Sam

who rousts out
Floyd and Charley.

Then while Floyd is
firing up the Cannonball,

Charley fetches Doc Stewart
and they highball it over here.

Now is that the
correct firing order?

Masterful job of
organizing, huh?

I don't believe there's a
man in the whole country

who could have thought it up.

Why, Kate, there's lots
of other men in the country

can match my thinking ability.

That's a depressing thought.

You know, there's not
many men would have seen

the moneymaking possibilities
of this whole situation either.

Moneymaking?

Kate, it's as obvious

as a duck egg in a chicken coop.

We're gonna turn the Shady
Rest into a maternity home

where the money will start
coming in hand over fist.

Hold it.

We'll be knee-deep
in thousand-dollar bills.

Now slow down.

We'll be carrying that
green stuff to the bank...

Whoa, Uncle Joe,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's back up to the part

where we're turning the Shady
Rest into a maternity home.

This is the greatest
moneymaking scheme I ever had.

Do you realize how many
nervous expectant fathers there are

who'd be happy to pay big
money to have their wives stay here

knowing the finest medical
care's within easy shotgun call?

Joe... Now don't thank me.

You seen my gun oil?

(softly): Hello, Elsie.

Hi, Mr. Carson.

How do you feel?

Fine.

No little peculiar twinges?

No.

Well, you keep
that little bell handy

and don't you
worry about nothing.

Okay. Mrs. Bradley,
do you need any help?

I certainly do.

But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
get it from a much higher source.

(ringing)

(yawns)

I do believe Elsie's
tinkling her little bell.

♪ Rock-a-bye,
baby, in the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock ♪

(humming)

(humming)

(humming continues)

I don't believe I have
to wake Elsie up for this.

She needs her sleep
for the real thing.

(resumes humming)

(gun firing)

Elsie!

Uncle Joe, what's going on?

Hey, Kate, you better
wake up the girls

and tell them to take
up their battle stations.

Battle... (gasps)

Oh, my goodness!

Wonder what's
taking Ben so long.

(gun firing)

Fred, Fred, wake up!

(grunts) What's the matter?

What's that darn
fool, Ben Miller,

shooting his gun off for
in the middle of the night?

Elsie!

Ow!

(gun firing)

(squealing)

Doggone it.

I blowed the gate
off the pigpen,

and the hogs is running wild!

(squealing)

(groans)

(gun firing)

Ooh.

I think I sprained my ankle.

Floyd, Charley, wake up.

Elsie's time's come.

I got the signal from Newt.

It was kind of
muffled, but I got it.

Wake up!

(girls all talking at once) Shh.

You'll wake up Elsie.

But I thought that
Elsie... So did I.

Well, what's Uncle
Joe trying to do, Ma?

That's what I
intend to find out.

Uncle Joe?

Took you six minutes and
38 seconds to get down.

You're gonna have
to do better than that.

Lucky this is only
a test maternity run.

Test maternity run?

Kate, you watch this
boiling water and let me know

the exact second
it starts to boil.

I don't know about the water,

but my blood's
heating up pretty fast.

Betty, you stand
outside the kitchen door

and take the pot
of boiling water

and pass it on to Bobbie Jo,

who'll be at the
desk, and you'll pass it

to Billie Jo, who'll
be at Elsie's room.

Uh, where are you going,
Florence Nightingale?

I'll be on the front porch

to clock the exact
arrival of the doc.

If I were you, I'd
be under the porch.

Yeah, he's gonna be
pretty angry with you.

And so are a lot of
other people in this valley,

waking them up and
causing all this trouble.

I ain't causing
nobody any trouble.

FRED: Here, pig,
pig, pig, pig, pig.

Here, pig, here, pig, here, pig.

Oh, Fred!

One of them just
run through here.

Oh, oh, we got plenty of time.

How's the pressure, Floyd?

120 pounds.

Ain't much, but it
will get us rolling.

They should be
rolling about now.

Are the girls at their stations?

No.

I sent them to bed.

I don't want them to
hear the kind of language

Doc's gonna use
when he gets here.

(whistle blowing)

It's working.

When do we get to
Dead Man's Curve?

What?

I said, "When do we come
to Dead Man's Curve?"

(brakes screeching)

That was it.

Let me be!

43 minutes.

You could have made
it almost as fast walking.

Where is Elsie?

Where anybody
in their right mind

would be this time of night.

In her room, sound asleep.

What? Do you mean that
Elsie ain't really gonna...

Then, what are we doing here?

Explain it to them, Uncle Joe.

Well, uh... I thought
it'd be a good idea

to have a little,
uh... test run.

You got me out of
a nice, warm bed,

you made me risk my
life on that rinky-dink train,

and you don't need a doctor?

(groaning)

Stick around,
Doc... I don't think

your trip's gonna be wasted.

Wait a minute, Ben.

You can't go to the
county seat right now.

There's no one else
lives close enough

to the Shady Rest
to hear my signal.

Grandpappy's there.

He knows what
he's supposed to do.

You sure?

Ask him.

Grandpappy, you know
what you're supposed to do

when I fire two shots? Huh?

You better talk louder, Joe.

You know what you're
supposed to do?!

What?

Ben, can't you put your
business off for a few days,

just till Elsie's
husband gets back?

Gee, Joe, I... I can't.

I can see as good as anybody.

Hey, how about
lighting a beacon fire?

Yeah. Oh, that
wouldn't wake him up.

Oh, uh, he don't sleep much.

Yeah.

A beacon fire.

(gun firing)

Yeah, Grandpappy's
right on the job.

(gun firing)

(squealing)

(chuckling)

Think Fred Ziffel would
have sense enough

to fire out a different
window this time.

(whistle blowing)

You shaved eight
minutes off the last run.

Joe, if this is
another false alarm...

Oh, it-it ain't a false alarm.

The track's on fire!

(Brahms' "Lullaby" plays softly)

(ringing)

(mutters)

(barking)

Shh, shh, shh!

Shh!

(bell ringing)

Oh, Mom, what's the matter?

Uh, Elsie.

Where's Uncle Joe?

Well, just where
you'd expect to find him

at a time like this...
Sound asleep.

Uncle Joe?

Uncle Joe, wake up!

BOBBIE JO: Uncle
Joe, what's the matter?

What's the matter?

BILLIE JO: The
stork's on his way.

At this time of night?

The stork!

Don't panic.

Keep calm. I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Don't...

Do you think it could be
indigestion, Mrs. Bradley?

Well, as a three-time
mother, I doubt it.

According to the doctor,
it isn't time for the baby.

It's usually the
baby that decides

when it's time for the doctor.

Don't you worry, child.

He'll get here on time.

Oh, I'm not worried.

I know I can count
on Mr. Carson.

(gasps)

Oh, Uncle Joe,
are you all right?

Are you okay?

Everybody keep
a calm, cool head.

I'll start the water boiling.

Oh, no, you don't do that.

You do the signaling. I
know what I'm supposed to do.

Where's my shotgun?
No, Uncle Joe,

you're supposed to
light the signal fire.

Like that somebody around here

has got a calm, cool head.

Oh, Uncle Joe!

You forgot the matches.

(barking)

Instead of standing there
barking, do something.

Go get the doc.

(barking)

What's taking you so long?

Oh, Charley and
Floyd got this wet

putting out the
fire the other night.

You can't depend on
them in an emergency.

I've got an idea.

I can run the
handcar to Ben Miller's

and get Grandpa
to fire his shotgun.

I knew you girls
would panic under fire.

But Uncle Joe...

Don't bother me
with your silly ideas.

What are you gonna do?

Pile this wood on
the wheelbarrow

and take it up to the hotel
and dry it out on the stove.

(barking)

Not the rock; the doc.

Stupid dog goes all to
pieces in a time of crisis.

(knocking)

Grandpa Miller.

(knocking)

Grandpa Miller!

(sighs)

Please, Fred.

Hear it.

(gun firing)

(gun firing)

(gun firing in distance)

(sighs)

Oh, Betty Jo.

What are you doing here?

Elsie's having her baby.

Eh?

Elsie's having her baby!

Oh.

Well, don't just stand there.

Fire the shotgun!

I ain't waking up the doc.

Nothing's gonna happen.

But I got the signal.

It's just another of
that Joe's fool tests.

Yeah, but maybe...
There ain't no maybe.

If you've got the
suicidal impulse

to wake up the doc,
that's your business.

(groaning)

Any sign of the train? No.

And after all the
practice I gave them.

I'm afraid this is one time

the stork's gonna
beat the Cannonball.

I'm gonna need some help.

Um, Billie Jo, you come with me.

Me? I don't know a...

You're the oldest.
But Ma... Come on.

Gosh. Well, what
will we do, Uncle Joe?

Go boil some water.

But it is boiling,
gallons of it.

Uncle Joe, I've been
meaning to ask you.

Why do you have to boil water?

Well, uh, you see...

after all the moving
picture shows you've seen,

you ask a question like that?

Uncle Joe, you've been
pacing up and down for an hour.

Why don't you sit down?

At a time like this,

somebody's got to do the pacing,

or the baby won't be official.

(barking)

The Cannonball's coming.

(train whistle blowing)

(baby crying)

Darn fools blowing that whistle.

Now they woke up the baby.

The baby.

It's a boy.

(baby continues crying)

Oh, isn't he beautiful, Mom?

Darling baby.

Isn't he, Uncle Joe?

Uncle Joe!

Same thing happened
with every one of you girls.

I told you this
wasn't a test run!

How is Elsie? Just
wonderful, Doc.

Just wonderful.

Oh, Billie Jo, I'm
so proud of you.

You did just fine.

Billie Jo!

(barking)

Like I said... I'm
gonna raise dogs.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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Filmways Presentation.