Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 17 - A Matter of Communication - full transcript

In the pre-cell phone days,

you actually had to have a
line installed in the ground

or up on poles if you
wanted to have phone service

in a remote rural area.

Can you imagine such a thing?

Nowadays, young people
feel like social outcasts

if they can't call
or text their friends

in the middle of a crowded mall.

Well, let's see how
the Bradleys dealt

with teenage telephonic
connections back in the 1960s

in "A Matter of Communication."



(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

Something wrong?

I'm expecting a phone
call from Henry Brewster.

Well, he's not gonna
call you on that phone.

I know.

It's ridiculous
having a telephone

that's never been connected.

Why did Uncle Joe put it up?

'Cause it gives the
hotel an air of class.

But it doesn't work.

Hey, you know it and I know it.

Some of the
guests don't know it.

Oh, a telephone
that doesn't work

and an elevator
that doesn't work?

All installed by the manager
who also doesn't work.

Uncle Joe, do you realize
that we are the only girls

in the whole valley who
don't have a telephone?

We're social outcasts.

Yeah.

I could've played shortstop

for the Hooterville
Hawks three times.

They couldn't get
in touch with me.

JOE: Girls ain't
supposed to be shortstops.

It isn't that I don't
want a telephone,

it's just that we
can't afford it.

But it can't cost more than
five or six dollars a month.

We can earn that much.

It's the cost of installing the
phone that's holding us back.

But Sue Ann Carter told me

hers only cost ten
dollars to install.

Our phone will cost in
the neighborhood of $800.

Why should it cost so much?

Because the main telephone
line runs along the county road.

And if we want to hook into
it, it means that we got to pay

for stringing over
two miles of wire.

From the hotel down to the road.

Well, I guess we'll
just have to go on

being isolated from the world.

But you're not isolated.

You get your phone
calls at Sam's store.

FLOYD: "And when Mr. Collins
heard that his taxes were to be raised,

"he got very angry
and ag... "A-G-G-R-

A-V-A-T-E-D."

Agricultured.

(phone ringing)

Now, why would
he get agricultured?

Floyd, don't you hear
the phone ringing?

Yeah.

Well, why the heck
don't you answer it?

I ain't expecting a call.

Of all the ding dong...

Don't get agricultured.

Hello.

Who?

Oh, Henry Brewster?

Oh, Henry, I-I'm right in
the middle of putting up a...

Floyd, leave that
alone 'fore you ruin it.

I ain't gonna ruin it.

I started the two
bottom rows, didn't I?

What's the message, Henry?

Yeah.

Can Billie Jo go to the picture
show with you Saturday night.

Uh-huh.

To see... What's the name?

The Mad Ghoul of Putney Downs.

Yeah, I'll see she
gets the message.

Charley, will you run
this out to Billie Jo?

Sure. Come on, Floyd.

Man can't get any
work done around here.

I left my hat.

I suppose you
rather I caught a cold.

SAM: Four pounds lard.

And what else, Mrs. Wallers?

Two pounds bacon.

Yes. I got it.

And what else?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Sam, how much
longer you gonna be?

Mrs. Wallers's
giving me a big order.

Call her back.

Billie Jo's waiting for an
answer, and it's important.

Oh, well, uh, Mrs. Wallers,
I'll have to call you back.

Hello, Sarah?

Get me Henry Brewster, urgent.

Hello, Henry?

I got an important message
for you from Billie Jo.

She wants to know
what the picture is about.

I thought you said
this was important.

It is.

She don't know if she's seen it.

What?

Uh, now just a second, Henry.

Start all over again and
real slow so I can get it down.

Lord who?

Lord Lackwell, yeah.

Member of Parliament, respected.

When the moon is full,
he turns into a what?

Oh, yeah.

What's he turn into?

And he kills who?

Spell it.

A-P-P-E-R... Agricultured?

Floyd.

Apperson.

Cedrick Apperson.

Who's he?

Lady Devonshire's butler.

Who's she?

Floyd, will you be quiet
so Sam can concentrate?

And he's caught by
Inspector Snaggleson.

In whose yard?

Oh, uh, Scotland Yard.

Yeah.

Bye.

Charley, tell Billie Jo
Henry's waiting for an answer.

Come on, Floyd,
let's get rolling.

Hello, Sarah?

Uh, would you get
me Mrs. Wallers back?

Oh, no, hold it, hold it!

The train's pulling out and
Charley's got her shopping list!

(train whistle blows)

Because I had to
write the story of

The Mad Ghoul of Putney
Downs on the back of it!

Putney Downs!

Oh, never mind.

The train's gone now.

Sounds like a good
picture, Billie Jo.

All right, tell
Mr. Drucker to call Henry

and tell him I'd like to see it.

And to pick me up
about... 8:00, Henry.

And Billie Jo
says not to be late.

Well, I'm glad we
got that settled.

This one goes out to Billie
Jo and this one to Bobbie Jo.

(phone ringing)

Come on, Floyd.

Hello.

Who?

Hold it, fellas.

I got a message
for Betty Jo, too.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

There are two here
for you from Betty Jo.

One says "no" and the
other one says "yes."

I don't know what
order they came in.

What?

Don't worry, I'll
see that she gets it.

I'll deliver it in person, along
with a message from me to them...

No more messages!

He's not gonna take any
more messages for us?

No, and I don't blame Sam.

I had no idea what was going on.

(sighs)

Well, I guess this is
good-bye to civilization.

The three Bradley girls are
doomed to live out their lives

cut off from all human contact.

Farewell, world.

Oh, you're not
taking them seriously.

Sisters, enjoy
yourselves Saturday night,

because it'll be your last date.

We'll wither on the vine.

Sam Drucker ain't gonna
condemn these girls

to a life of old maidenhood.

I'm getting a telephone.

Uncle Joe!

A real one?

That's connected to people?

In the famous words of
Alexander Graham Bell,

I'm going to open my
own telephone company.

(yawns)

What is that?

Remember what Uncle Joe said

about starting his
own phone company?

Well, this is it. What?

(phone ringing)

I think Uncle Joe
wants to talk to you.

Oh, and I want to talk to him.

Hello?

Is that you, Uncle Joe?

Yeah, Kate, I,
uh... Hello? Hello?

Hello?!

Hello.

Can you hear me all right?

Just fine.

Yeah, I can hear
you, too, just as plain

as if you were
standing right here.

I am.

How do you like it?

I bought this from the Army
and Navy surplus store in Pixley.

$10.50.

Take down the wires.

Hey, these phones is gonna be

the means of bringing all
the disconnected people

in the valley together,
including the girls.

Everybody that subscribes
to my phone company

has to buy a set of these.

One of the biggest selling
points to my company is...

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Kate, one of the big selling
points to my company is, uh...

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Who's this?

Betty Jo.

I want to talk to your mother.

Hold the phone.

Women, they ain't
got no scientific sense.

Yes, Uncle Joe?

Uh, Kate, I... (clears throat)

Kate, one of the big
selling points to my company

is that it won't cost a
cent to string the wire.

The wire's already in.

What wire?

Barbed wire.

Betty Jo asked
her science teacher,

and he said my plan would work.

Barbed wire?

Yeah, there's miles and
miles of barbed wire fence

running from farm to farm,

just itching to be hooked
into a telephone circuit.

Uncle Joe.

Yeah?

Give me a ring sometime.

(bell clanging)

(people chattering, laughing)

Well, hi, Joe.

Hey!

I ought to get that 20
cents back I lost last week.

I want a different
seat this time.

Let's make deuces wild. Yeah.

Don't-don't go in there.

Ain't we gonna play
in the dining room?

We ain't gonna play.

How come?

I've decided to
call the game off.

What?!

Then why didn't you let us know?

How could I get
in touch with you?

Do you have a phone, Ben?

Nope. Do you, Newt?

Uh, no, don't believe I do.

How about you, Fred?

Now, you know I
ain't got no phone.

Gentlemen, I've used
this dramatic illustration

to bring out the real
purpose of this meeting.

Now, if you'll all sit down...

Joe, we didn't come
here for no meeting.

No, we came out
here to play poker.

Yeah.

Will you sit down and listen?

Oh, for Pete's sake.
(men grumbling)

Friends, how many times
have you sat in the living room

staring at your wife, wishing
you had somebody to talk to?

I ain't married.

Well, if you were,
you'd know the feelings.

All through the ages,
at times like these,

man sought to turn to
the best friend he's got:

the telephone.

Let's go, fellas.

Sit down.

If you're trying to
change my mind

about taking messages,
you're wasting my time.

Sit down.

Thanks to your selfish
attitude of non-message-taking,

I've been forced to take over

the valley's communications
problem single-handed.

Gentlemen, I give you progress.

Where's progress?

Oh, Joe... Save your
questions till later.

It wasn't gonna be a question.

It was gonna be a statement.

I think you're...

Save your praise
till later, too.

It wasn't gonna be... Sit down!

Let's listen to Joe.

Yeah, he might say something
sensible for a change.

Gentlemen, what would
you say if I was to tell you

you could have your
phone service free of charge

for the rest of your lives

merely by purchasing
one of these phones

at the nominal charge of $10.50?

Well, what would you say?

You're off your rocker.

Sam, you've got a phone.

Well, now if there's
some way we can get one,

we want to hear it.

I direct your attention
to the sales tableaux

which will now take place.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, why doesn't she hear me?

Because the Hooterville
Telephone Company

charges so much
to string the lines.

Oh, if there was
just some cheap way

to connect us up.

I am a barbed wire fence...

Which you can find
all over the valley.

(squealing)

Me, too.

Come on, let's go see if we
can find some bicarb of soda.

I can solve your problem.

Just connect to me.

Hello? Hello?

I can hear you.

It is a miracle.

How'd they do that?

Thank you, telephone
girls and barbed wire fence.

Now for the master
wiring diagram.

We'll run a wire
from the Shady Rest,

down to the Shady Rest stop,

where we'll
connect it to the rail.

Because the rails are separated,

Charley and Floyd
will put jumper wires

between the rail ends.

Charley, you smell
something burning?

Yeah, Floyd, it's me.

(yelling)

UNCLE JOE: The current
travels down the rails

until it comes to the end

of Ben Miller's fence,

then continues on to
Fred Ziffel's pig farm,

then barbed wires to
Newt Kiley's place...

then back to the track
to Hooterville station

where it joins the Hooterville
Telephone Company.

Did you ask
permission to do that?

I don't need permission.
We're brother phone companies.

You got a wire clipper, brother?

Now why'd you do that?

To save you ten
years in the hoosegow.

Don't you know
it's against the law

to tamper with the equipment

of a bona fide
telephone company?

My company's bona fide.

Your company is rinky-dink.

Instead of interfering with
other people's business,

why you don't you
go back to your store

and jack up a few prices.

Okay, I'll see you Sunday

if the warden will
let you have visitors.

Ten years.

How old will you be
when you get out, Joe?

You know, I was just thinking,

why should I connect
up the modern facilities

of my phone company with
the old-fashioned equipment

of the Hooterville
Telephone Company?

Well, if you don't connect up,

what good's your company?

Floyd, Charley, how
would you like to be

coordinating vice presidents

of the Inter-Valley
Telephone Company?

Kate, girls, I give
you progress.

Oh, we don't need that anymore.

Stupid dog.

He gets one moment of
glory and he can't forget it.

Well, who's going
to make the first call?

I think the honor
should go to Uncle Joe.

That's mighty
thought-y of you, Kate.

And if you don't
get electrocuted,

we'll try it.

What are you going
to say, Uncle Joe?

Well, uh...

How about saying what
Alexander Graham Bell said

when he made his first call?

What was it?

Oh, yeah... "Come here,
Watson, I need you."

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Come here, Watson, I need you.

There ain't nobody
here named Watson.

You got the wrong number.

Here, one of you try it.

Why don't you call
somebody, Mom.

Who?

Call Sam Drucker.

Let him know we ain't
depending on him anymore

for messages.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Ben, could you put me
through to Hooterville?

Hold on, Kate.

(phone ringing)

(grunting)

Hey, Arnold, you get back
in there and finish your nap.

Hello. Fred Ziffel.

Fred, Kate wants
to talk to Hooterville.

Oh, Hooterville. Okay, Ben.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Oh, hello, Fred.

No, nothing.

I was just taking a bath.

Hooterville?

Yeah, hold on.

(phone ringing)

Vice President in
charge of coordinating.

I want Hooterville.

This is Hooterville.

Oh, hold on.

We're through to
Hooterville, Fred.

Okay, through to Hooterville.

Go ahead with your call, Kate.

Hello. Hello.

You're through to
Hooterville, Kate.

Hello? What's wrong?

Sorry, Kate, you were
talking into Charley's mouth.

Charley, could you
get me Sam Drucker?

Hold it, Kate.

Hello, Sarah, connect
me to Sam Drucker's store.

Deposit how much?

Have you got a dime?

There it is.

Don't tell me Carson's
folly's working?

First call's going through.

(phone ringing)

Phone's ringing, Sam.

Doggone it, I
wanted to see this.

Sarah's ringing him, Kate.

Thanks, Floyd.

(phone ringing)

Hello. Drucker's store.

Sam, I got a call for you.

Hello.

Hello, Sam.

Kate, how are you?

Just fine.

I just thought I'd
call up and say hello.

Hello!

Good-bye.

Here, we better ring off.

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

Betty Jo. I said,
Betty, I have to...

But the Hawks are
waiting to hear from me.

But Eloise is waiting for
her algebra homework.

I have to talk to Henry.

Now hold it.

Billie, Bobbie, Betty.

Tomorrow we reverse the order.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hooterville?

Hold on.

Doggone.

(phone ringing)

♪ Rock-a-bye
baby in the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows
the cradle will rock. ♪

Hello.

Hooterville. (grunting)

Now, Arnold, you
get back in there

and finish your nap.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hooterville?

Yeah, hold on.

Yes, Henry, it
was just installed

and you're the very
first one I called.

Oh, you were?

What about?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, you faded out for a minute.

A dance?

Oh, I'd love to.

(Arnold grunting) Hey,
Arnold, get back there.

Arnold, them
strawberries ain't for you.

Get down off that table.

BILLIE JO: Well, everybody
thinks I look ravishing in...

(loud mooing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Ben Miller doesn't answer.

And I ain't a-gonna.

I'm unhooking
from the party line

so's I can get some work done.

And so am I.

Arnold ain't had
his nap for days

and he's got big
circles under his eyes.

And I caught a cold in my nose

and I got to repair
my barbed wire fence.

We can't run the Cannonball.

We spend all our time
around the station coordinating.

Hold it, fellas.

You're going to have
to make sacrifices

if you want to enjoy progress.

We don't need that!

Gosh, if you pull
out of the party line

and Mr. Drucker
won't take messages,

what are we going to do?

Well... We're sorry, Betty Jo.

Mom, when you were a
girl living way out here,

how did you ever get a date?

You see... Let
alone get married.

Cut off from civilization.
No, the thing that...

She was never cut off
from civilization out here.

She was in touch with
Hooterville all the time.

That's right.

The railroad was busy
then, and Kate helped us out

and we helped her out.

Uh-huh, and... Remember, Kate?

How can you forget those things?

(telegraph key clicking)

"and... Henry... wants...

to... know... what... time."

Tell him to pick me up at 8:00.

"8:00."

This is for Henry.

This one is to Betty from
the Hooterville Hawks.

"When... you...
missed... practice...

"the... coach... got... very...

agricultured?"

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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Filmways Presentation.